Blanket training

[rebcoola]

Its a very different impulse and core belief to mainly control the enviroment to make it safe for a baby or young toddler to explore and occasionally redirect them from things that cant be changed. 

 Than it is to control a child tmby forcing them to stay in a very small Believing you can control another person even a very small one is I believe the basis for most abuse.

[wisdomandtreasures]

1 hour ago, KeriJ said:

Eta: I would still like to see a link. I read their first book and don't remember that. I know they spank their children, but is it fact that it was during blanket training?

They never came out and bluntly said "We spank the crap out of our babies to keep them on blankets" but with their involvement with IBLP, Michael and Debi Pearl, Ft. Rock Family Camp (they've hosted the Pearls several times), Titus 2 (the Maxwells, who also support the Pearls), and SM Davis (leader of Solve Family Problems), they don't have to. We can read between the lines.

[Drama Llama]

I have used a blanket as a place for my kid to play, and encouraged them to play there. 

It's been useful for things like soccer games to keep a little one contained on the sidelines.  I haven't done it with babies, I just held or wore them or put them in a stroller.  But with a toddler playing on a blanket full of fun toys, is much better than being stuck in a stroller or being the parent trying to hold the writhing eel.  

I'd spread it out, I'd fill it with fun things.  Little trucks and snacks and whatever.  I'd be fun and engaging on the blanket, and then if they got off the blanket, I'd be boring and lead them back, and turn on the fun.  They pretty much learned that the blanket was where the fun was.   It wasn't 100%, but it did mean that I wasn't chasing the kid the entire game, and I got to see some game play.  

I wouldn't have thought of it as "blanket training".  To me that word conjures up the Pearls.  But you can definitely use a blanket to contain a kid and not do it abusively.  

[BronzeTurtle]

If I had a fussy baby that hated the playpen but I needed to clean my house, I would put the baby in the play pen and be attentive and then leave them for short and then longer periods of time. I might put extra special toys in there that are more desireable that they only get while in there. I might give them a snack.

Some people would just put the baby in and do the thing they needed to do through the crying.

Some people might spank for the crying (wrongly, IMO).

But if I went to someone else's house and saw their baby happily in a playpen I wouldn't jump to the conclusion the parent beat them in order to get them to be happy in there.

Just switch out playpen for blanket or rug or mat or stroller or carseat or whatever else and then when you see someone with  a baby who stays put and isn't crying or trying to escape their constraints assume it is natural temperament, or food bribes, or toys, or whatever. instead of thinking it's a dog whistle for their fundamentalist ways or thinking, "well, I would never!"

 

[HomeAgain]

3 minutes ago, BronzeTurtle said:

But if I went to someone else's house and saw their baby happily in a playpen I wouldn't jump to the conclusion the parent beat them in order to get them to be happy in there.

Just switch out playpen for blanket or rug or mat or stroller or carseat or whatever else and then when you see someone with  a baby who stays put and isn't crying or trying to escape their constraints assume it is natural temperament, or food bribes, or toys, or whatever. instead of thinking it's a dog whistle for their fundamentalist ways or thinking, "well, I would never!"

 

It's interesting how you conflate how a baby sees physical barriers as what they are with the inherent need to stay in one place due to psychological boundaries.

Your children must be brilliant and far above average to think that this is a developmentally appropriate skill.

[Corraleno]

17 minutes ago, BronzeTurtle said:

Expecting everyone to know the pearls or their ways is also a bit strange. this board  is a niche of a niche and some people here explores the niches of niche fundamentalism and then applies them broadly to make assumptions about so many things in a way that is really weird. I said it in another thread but a lot of it reads like conspiratorialism to get so involved in reading and writing about stuff and then seeing it everywhere in every interaction and then insisting that others are crazy or malevolent if they don't acknowledge it as well. It happens in various corners online, but maybe it also happened on a smaller scale pre-internet. there is/are bad things/people out there but expanding training kids to stay somewhere when you need them to in various situations that call for maybe keeping them away from dangerous stuff as abusive or authoritarian because some people do that in an abusive way isn't clear thinking.

Pretending that "blanket training" is a common term that has nothing to do with the Pearls, and that people claiming the abusive Pearls/Duggars version is the most common association are really reaching because hardly anyone has heard of the Pearls, is really disingenuous. That specific term is absolutely associated with the Pearls and the Duggars and with extremely abusive parenting techniques. If you google that term, the first thing that comes up is the Wikipedia entry, and nearly all the other hits on the first page are references to the Duggars and to abuse. The Wikipedia entry which is the top hit:

"Blanket training, also known as 'blanket time,' is a method adapted from the methods encouraged in To Train Up a Child, published in 1994 and written by Christian fundamentalists Michael and Debi Pearl. To Train Up a Child promotes several harsh parenting techniques, with a focus on child obedience, which have been linked to multiple child deaths.^[1][2]

Blanket training is an allocated amount of time during the day where an infant or toddler is required to remain on a blanket or play mat for a limited period of time, with a few selected toys. When the child moves to leave the blanket, parents are instructed to hit the child with a flexible ruler, glue stick, or another similar object.^[3] Many of those doing it have voiced online that they start by doing five minutes a day and build up the intervals over time, with some extending it to 30 minutes or more. 

Proponents of the technique claim that blanket training helps very young children to learn self-control, however, no empirical evidence currently exists to back these claims."

 

[Xahm]

If someone calls it "training" I'm going to assume we don't have much in common when it comes to child rearing principles. I tried to always have the mindset of teaching, not training. When a little kid got into something I didn't want them to, I took responsibility and made corrections to the environment. A kid should want to scribble all over the place to test out markers, so I shouldn't leave them unsupervised with markers until they are ready to know what they should color on and have self control to limit themselves to that. I might test a kid's readiness for something by watching from nearby, but I didn't hit the child for not being ready. (To my sadness we did spank in some situations early in our parenting but quickly decided it wasn't for us.) Teaching them the reasons for the rules from the very beginning and minimizing potential trouble spots has been exceedingly successful so far for us.

[Starr]

I had an acquaintance say to me , “Didn't you put books on the coffee table in reach of your kids and when they touched them pop their hands?” All planned to teach them. 

[KeriJ]

1 hour ago, wisdomandtreasures said:

They never came out and bluntly said "We spank the crap out of our babies to keep them on blankets" but with their involvement with IBLP, Michael and Debi Pearl, Ft. Rock Family Camp (they've hosted the Pearls several times), Titus 2 (the Maxwells, who also support the Pearls), and SM Davis (leader of Solve Family Problems), they don't have to. We can read between the lines.

You are free to read between the lines. And again, I am not defending the Duggars! But reading between the lines and saying something as truth are two different things. 

I just think it's a twisting path from "the Pearls teach blanket training through spanking...the Duggars promote the Pearls....the Duggars use blanket training....so obviously the Duggars must follow every Pearl teaching to the letter....therefore, everyone who teaches their baby to stay on a blanket must be hitting the baby!"

Edited September 16, 2023 by KeriJ

[wendyroo]

1 hour ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I just used a pram in those situations. I never put a baby on a floor of a doctors office or waiting room. 

My youngest HATED being confined to a stroller when all the big boys were "free". It was fine when she was an infant, but once she could sit up, she wanted to move and play.

Plus, most of these offices were like 150 square feet (14 sq. meters) and had desks and chairs and bookshelves to work around. Add two adults and 4 children who had to hang out for an hour...space was limited.

Each child had a mini backpack that could hold a few toys or books. As soon as we walked in, I would assign places for each child - normally me and the violent, unpredictable 5 year old sitting on chairs or the couch next to each other, and the other three sitting on their towels. I would put the 1 year old's space right next to me.

It wasn't ideal, but it was one way of coping with a hard situation...and I don't think it did anyone any harm. Honestly, we still use it to this day. During my 10 year old's violin lesson, I lay out a towel on the floor to define my autistic, ADHD 7 year old's play area to make sure she isn't making too much of a mess, straying around the teacher's house, or getting in the way of the lesson. The towel helps her regulate herself physically and emotionally and greatly decreases how often she interrupts the lesson.

[KeriJ]

18 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

Pretending that "blanket training" is a common term that has nothing to do with the Pearls, and that people claiming the abusive Pearls/Duggars version is the most common association are really reaching because hardly anyone has heard of the Pearls, is really disingenuous. That specific term is absolutely associated with the Pearls and the Duggars and with extremely abusive parenting techniques. If you google that term, the first thing that comes up is the Wikipedia entry, and nearly all the other hits on the first page are references to the Duggars and to abuse. The Wikipedia entry which is the top hit:

"Blanket training, also known as 'blanket time,' is a method adapted from the methods encouraged in To Train Up a Child, published in 1994 and written by Christian fundamentalists Michael and Debi Pearl. To Train Up a Child promotes several harsh parenting techniques, with a focus on child obedience, which have been linked to multiple child deaths.^[1][2]

Blanket training is an allocated amount of time during the day where an infant or toddler is required to remain on a blanket or play mat for a limited period of time, with a few selected toys. When the child moves to leave the blanket, parents are instructed to hit the child with a flexible ruler, glue stick, or another similar object.^[3] Many of those doing it have voiced online that they start by doing five minutes a day and build up the intervals over time, with some extending it to 30 minutes or more. 

Proponents of the technique claim that blanket training helps very young children to learn self-control, however, no empirical evidence currently exists to back these claims."

 

Still. None of this refutes my original post. Not everyone who teaches their baby to stay on a blanket does so by hitting them. 

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

I've never heard of blanket training until this thread.  

I've heard of it, but only here. Not IRL 

It wasn't a thing when I had babies. At least, not in the mainstream. 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

5 minutes ago, wendyroo said:

My youngest HATED being confined to a stroller when all the big boys were "free". It was fine when she was an infant, but once she could sit up, she wanted to move and play.

Plus, most of these offices were like 150 square feet (14 sq. meters) and had desks and chairs and bookshelves to work around. Add two adults and 4 children who had to hang out for an hour...space was limited.

Each child had a mini backpack that could hold a few toys or books. As soon as we walked in, I would assign places for each child - normally me and the violent, unpredictable 5 year old sitting on chairs or the couch next to each other, and the other three sitting on their towels. I would put the 1 year old's space right next to me.

It wasn't ideal, but it was one way of coping with a hard situation...and I don't think it did anyone any harm. Honestly, we still use it to this day. During my 10 year old's violin lesson, I lay out a towel on the floor to define my autistic, ADHD 7 year old's play area to make sure she isn't making too much of a mess, straying around the teacher's house, or getting in the way of the lesson. The towel helps her regulate herself physically and emotionally and greatly decreases how often she interrupts the lesson.

I was meaning babies.. I think of a 1 year old as a toddler 

[Melissa Louise]

We put our babies in slings or backpacks to do stuff, I don't know how one would even train a baby to sit in one place. 

Edited September 16, 2023 by Melissa Louise

[Corraleno]

Just now, KeriJ said:

Still. None of this refutes my original post. Not everyone who teaches their baby to stay on a blanket does so by hitting them. 

Anyone who uses the term "blanket training" got that from some person or organization that was connected to the Pearls. That's where that term comes from. To me, saying "But I do a nice version of an abusive technique developed by these abhorrent people, so my version isn't abusive" is like saying "I only manipulate and gaslight people in a very nice polite way for their own good, so the way I do it is not abusive."

Call it what you like, but don't be surprised if other people aren't buying what you're selling.

 

[wisdomandtreasures]

10 minutes ago, KeriJ said:

Therefore, everyone who teaches their baby to stay on a blanket must be hitting the baby!"

I didn't say that...

[Corraleno]

5 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

We put our babies in slings or backpacks to do stuff, I don't know how one would even train a baby to sit in one place. 

You smack them, preferably with a thin switch or rubber hose or glue stick, so it leaves minimal bruising that could get you in trouble. Or, if you're a super nice, nonabusive mom, you can just yell at them every time they dare to put a finger over the edge. Eventually they get too scared to move off the blanket and — voila! — you have a perfectly trained baby you can ignore while you do other things.

Edited September 16, 2023 by Corraleno

[freesia]

2 hours ago, annandatje said:

Why go to effort of training infant to use blanket when you can put them in a playpen with no training required?  How and why is blanket training preferable to a playpen during read alouds?  I ask because I’ve never known anyone who did blanket training. 

My dd wanted to be closer to us. She didn’t like the playpen and it took up a lot of room. 

[KeriJ]

7 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

Anyone who uses the term "blanket training" got that from some person or organization that was connected to the Pearls. That's where that term comes from. To me, saying "But I do a nice version of an abusive technique developed by these abhorrent people, so my version isn't abusive" is like saying "I only manipulate and gaslight people in a very nice polite way for their own good, so the way I do it is not abusive."

Call it what you like, but don't be surprised if other people aren't buying what you're selling.

 

Ok, the term, maybe.  But my point was that not everyone who teaches their baby to stay on a blanket does so by hitting!!!  If someone walked into a doctor's office and saw @wendyroo's children on a blanket, they don't get to assume that she read the Pearls and beats her kids with glue sticks.  It's total fallacy.  

 

[Melissa Louise]

2 minutes ago, freesia said:

My dd wanted to be closer to us. She didn’t like the playpen and it took up a lot of room. 

I have a hard time imagining you training a baby.

Do you just mean the rug was there, and you put toys and things out, and scooped baby back to play so they got used to that being playtime while you did read alouds? 

That isn't what I understand blanket training to be.  

 

[freesia]

1 hour ago, catz said:

Why is it favorable to train a child to an adult's preferences and whims rather than allow them to be naturally curious?  I don't see the point, beating or not.  

I had kids that started to sit through shows and recitals as preschoolers, so it's not like I don't value a circle time or the ability to listen to a story.  Training a very young baby or toddler who is excited to practice their motor skills for your convenience just seems like a pointless endeavor.  It feels like early training of quashing personal feelings or desires. 

Because it keeps the child safe while you do something. It’s not really different from a playpen or a front carrier. It’s not a time if suffering for the child. My dd had toys that were only for blanket time and we kept it short. (And what I did to teach her was nothing like what Melissa described.)

[KeriJ]

9 minutes ago, wisdomandtreasures said:

I didn't say that...

My first sentence was in response to your "reading between the lines" comment.  

[wendyroo]

Just now, Corraleno said:

You smack them, preferably with a thin switch or rubber hose or glue stick, so it leaves minimal bruising that could get you in trouble. Or, if you're a super nice, nonabusive mom, you can just tell at them every time they dare to put a finger over the edge. Eventually they get too scared to move off the blanket and — voila! — you have a perfectly trained baby you can ignore while you do other things.

Is that also the only option for teaching babies and toddler to not stand in the bathtub, to not bite other people, to not throw their food, etc?

Because somehow I taught my older babies/young toddlers all those things without hitting or terrifying them.

The thing I find really amusing, is that, as I said, I mostly had my older babies and toddlers play on blankets while in psychiatrist and therapist offices. And the only feedback I ever got from the medical profession was hugely positive. They heartily endorsed having kids play within clearly marked boundaries as opposed to A. plugging them into screens to keep them quiet or B. not giving them any boundaries and then getting mad at them when they touched things they weren't supposed to.

[Melissa Louise]

I just don't know how you can teach a baby to stay once they are mobile without punishment of some kind (I understand you could encourage different types and areas of play). 

5 minutes ago, wendyroo said:

Is that also the only option for teaching babies and toddler to not stand in the bathtub, to not bite other people, to not throw their food, etc?

Because somehow I taught my older babies/young toddlers all those things without hitting or terrifying them.

The thing I find really amusing, is that, as I said, I mostly had my older babies and toddlers play on blankets while in psychiatrist and therapist offices. And the only feedback I ever got from the medical profession was hugely positive. They heartily endorsed having kids play within clearly marked boundaries as opposed to A. plugging them into screens to keep them quiet or B. not giving them any boundaries and then getting mad at them when they touched things they weren't supposed to.

Those aren't the only options though. 

Blanket train, screen or they ruin the house and you get mad. 

I've cared for many babies, mine included, without those options.

Babies - you supervise them, you pick them up, you distract them, you carry them, you interact with them, you  breastfeed them (mine only!), you sing to them, you talk to them, you save tricky tasks for when they sleep...

 

Edited September 16, 2023 by Melissa Louise

[Sneezyone]

I feel like folks are trying to extend this to older kids, beyond rods, to children in general b/c *they’re* still pushing the envelope and trying to control the behavior, not circumscribe/passively limit, older kids. Maybe just me. My kids will tell you that what broke the cycle of obey or suffer was my (inherited) arthritic hands. In truth, I wanted and hungered for a way to communicate my level of frustration without being forced to use physical violence and yelling. ‘Arthritic hands’ became code for ‘You have pushed mom too far. Or, check yourself, you’d better mean it, because there is no going back.

Edited September 16, 2023 by Sneezyone

[Corraleno]

5 minutes ago, wendyroo said:

Is that also the only option for teaching babies and toddler to not stand in the bathtub, to not bite other people, to not throw their food, etc?

Obviously you can teach children positive, healthy behaviors without being punitive. But the term blanket training specifically refers to the use of punishment to train a child to never leave the confines of a blanket without parental permission. That's what the term means. Using positive reinforcement or redirection so that a child chooses to play with their toys on a blanket or towel is not "blanket training."

In Montessori schools children do a lot of floor work using small rugs — they get a rolled up rug, take it to an empty space, unroll it, get an activity from the shelf, and lay out their work on the little rug. If their work spills over, a teacher or other child will help them put it back, and even kids as young as 2 can understand that the point of working on the rug is so that no one steps on your work or trips over it, etc. There's no punishment ever, not even harsh words, just encouragement to stay on the rug for your own benefit and the benefit of others. That is the polar opposite of blanket training, which purposely punishes a child's natural curiosity and uses fear and pain to break their will and make them unquestioningly obedient.

I really don't understand why people keep trying to conflate those two things, or make it seem like all forms of blanket training are totally benign and even beneficial right up to the point where you actually beat the baby with a rod.

[annandatje]

21 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

We put our babies in slings or backpacks to do stuff, I don't know how one would even train a baby to sit in one place. 

We used the Gerry frame backpack and a soft front pack and playpen on occasion with first two babies .  

I’ve read all the replies now but still don’t understand what , if anything, non-corporal punishment blanket training entails besides simple redirection.  

I also never knew it was possible to train crawling infant to remain in one place.

We could not contain our special needs baby in device once she started crawling and climbing.  She was a tall agile baby and toddler who could climb out of her crib, so we had to stop using crib.  She slept on a pallet in our bedroom with door locked so she couldn’t escape.  I didn’t do anything except turn on a dim light for her and put a few toys and stuffed animals on her pallet. 

 

[wendyroo]

2 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I just don't know how you can teach a baby to stay once they are mobile without punishment of some kind (I understand you could encourage different types and areas of play). 

Those aren't the only options though. 

Blanket train, screen or they ruin the house and you get mad. 

I've cared for many babies, mine included, without those options.

Babies - you supervise them, you pick them up, you distract them, you carry them, you interact with them, you  breastfeed them (mine only!), you sing to them, you talk to them, you save tricky tasks for when they sleep...

 

But we weren't in our home. Obviously at home I could modify the environment, but I had limited options in medical offices.

And, while obviously I was always supervising my children during appointments, my attention needed to primarily be on the appointment, not actively distracting, interacting with or singing to my 9 - 15 month olds.

They were welcome to sit in my lap...but they normally didn't want that for long. And I couldn't schedule all appointments around nap times.

Currently we are in psychiatrist/therapist offices about 7 hours every week. Back then it wasn't quite that high, but it was still a lot of hours stuck in offices. Plus, all the other appointments. I never had child care, so I always had to drag all of my kids to my pre- and post-natal appointments, my dental appointments, my banking appointments, etc.

[MercyA]

1 hour ago, Halftime Hope said:

then bringing out the switch or a thin rod (I forget the exact wording they used to describe/recommend it, maybe a hose?) as a consequence.

They specifically recommended a length of plastic plumbing line, like this:

[Melissa Louise]

1 minute ago, wendyroo said:

But we weren't in our home. Obviously at home I could modify the environment, but I had limited options in medical offices.

And, while obviously I was always supervising my children during appointments, my attention needed to primarily be on the appointment, not actively distracting, interacting with or singing to my 9 - 15 month olds.

They were welcome to sit in my lap...but they normally didn't want that for long. And I couldn't schedule all appointments around nap times.

Currently we are in psychiatrist/therapist offices about 7 hours every week. Back then it wasn't quite that high, but it was still a lot of hours stuck in offices. Plus, all the other appointments. I never had child care, so I always had to drag all of my kids to my pre- and post-natal appointments, my dental appointments, my banking appointments, etc.

Yeah, mine always came with me to appointments too. 

But how did you train?

I'm stuck on that word. Did you give treats or something?

The only way I can conceive of training without punishment is training by reward. 

I do understand having a special set of toys or books or whatever that come out in tricky moments, and verbal encouragement to play. 

 

[freesia]

1 hour ago, Drama Llama said:

I have used a blanket as a place for my kid to play, and encouraged them to play there. 

It's been useful for things like soccer games to keep a little one contained on the sidelines.  I haven't done it with babies, I just held or wore them or put them in a stroller.  But with a toddler playing on a blanket full of fun toys, is much better than being stuck in a stroller or being the parent trying to hold the writhing eel.  

I'd spread it out, I'd fill it with fun things.  Little trucks and snacks and whatever.  I'd be fun and engaging on the blanket, and then if they got off the blanket, I'd be boring and lead them back, and turn on the fun.  They pretty much learned that the blanket was where the fun was.   It wasn't 100%, but it did mean that I wasn't chasing the kid the entire game, and I got to see some game play.  

I wouldn't have thought of it as "blanket training".  To me that word conjures up the Pearls.  But you can definitely use a blanket to contain a kid and not do it abusively.  

Yes, this is how I did it. Short periods in a blanket did not in any way impact my child’s agency, curiosity, movement (varsity soccer goalie in ninth grade so she seems to have developed fine.) I was a baby wearing attachment parenting long term breastfeeding mommy. The idea that a child must be free to move wherever whenever they want or they are doomed is silly to me. No parent does that. 

[MercyA]

1 hour ago, Pawz4me said:

I mostly just wanted to say that it reminds me of dog training.

Yes. From Michael Pearl's own pen: "Training doesn’t necessarily require that the trainee be capable of reason; even mice and rats can be trained to respond to stimuli. Careful training can make a dog perfectly obedient. If a seeing-eye dog can be trained to reliably lead a blind man through the dangers of city streets, shouldn’t a parent expect more out of an intelligent child?"

(And he obviously doesn't know anything about mice and rats if he thinks they can't reason.)

[Melissa Louise]

8 minutes ago, annandatje said:

We used the Gerry frame backpack and a soft front pack and playpen on occasion with first two babies .  

I’ve read all the replies now but still don’t understand what , if anything, non-corporal punishment blanket training entails besides simple redirection.  

I also never knew it was possible to train crawling infant to remain in one place.

We could not contain our special needs baby in device once she started crawling and climbing.  She was a tall agile baby and toddler who could climb out of her crib, so we had to stop using crib.  She slept on a pallet in our bedroom with door locked so she couldn’t escape.  I didn’t do anything except turn on a dim light for her and put a few toys and stuffed animals on her pallet. 

 

My nanny families used playpens but we took the babies out when they got unhappy with being confined. 

 

[City Mouse]

I used to put a blanket on the floor before putting my baby on the floor, but I never expected the baby to stay there without direct supervision. I don’t consider that “blanket training”.  The only time I have ever heard people describing a practice called “blanket training” it has been in regards to the Duggar/Pearl methodology. 
You can use any terminology you want, but if someone says “blanket training” to me, I will immediately jump to thinking that is abusive.

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, freesia said:

Yes, this is how I did it. Short periods in a blanket did not in any way impact my child’s agency, curiosity, movement (varsity soccer goalie in ninth grade so she seems to have developed fine.) I was a baby wearing attachment parenting long term breastfeeding mommy. The idea that a child must be free to move wherever whenever they want or they are doomed is silly to me. No parent does that. 

But how? 

I mean, I can imagine one of mine being coincidentally happy to sit on a blanket because she was a sit and watch baby, but the others?

How did you train ie make it a consistent and replicable behaviour? What were the shaping mechanisms? 

[annandatje]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

My nanny families used playpens but we took the babies out when they got unhappy with being confined. 

 

We used our playpen so seldom that we kept it folded up.  My youngest Houdini could be out of it in a flash.

[MercyA]

40 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Babies - you supervise them, you pick them up, you distract them, you carry them, you interact with them, you  breastfeed them (mine only!), you sing to them, you talk to them, you save tricky tasks for when they sleep...

This seems like common sense. It *should* be common sense. But when I finally had a baby in my 30's, I had no experience at all with them and more importantly I trusted the wrong people to tell me what to do.

The rigidity of my thinking + untreated OCD + lack of sleep + stupid books from friends (including Ezzo and Pearl books) = me thinking that my baby should eat on a strict schedule and that I could "spoil" her by not letting her "cry it out."

Horrible, evil stuff. I would have done better to read *nothing* and follow my instincts. One of my biggest regrets in my whole life is that I tried to follow the advice in those books.

I wish I would have been part of the board then. You all would have helped me tremendously.

Edited September 16, 2023 by MercyA

[freesia]

39 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I have a hard time imagining you training a baby.

Do you just mean the rug was there, and you put toys and things out, and scooped baby back to play so they got used to that being playtime while you did read alouds? 

That isn't what I understand blanket training to be.  

 

Yes, and I started by just doing it for one minute and built it up to probably around 10. The toys were only ones she could use on the blanket. I would just return her to the blanket and remind her that this is where we play during read aloud time. The toys went away if she wouldn’t stay. She just learned that was her place at that time. The most punitive thing I ever did when she was an older toddler and I really needed to finish a book the older kids wanted was to put her in her room with the gate up a couple of times. She really wanted to be with us and understood at that point was that that was how she got to be there. But most of the time she was fine. I fully understand that not all children would have learned so easily and gently but I thought it was worth a try and it worked. If would never have done it if it had been hard. 
 

Balancing the needs of four kids with an eight and a half year span was a challenge. My older kids needed times I could read to them without a toddler climbing all over us or runnng around distracting us. Those were the days where I got through the day 15 minutes at a time. I nursed through spelling, put her in the bath to play while teaching my third to read, etc. 

I called it blanket time. I don’t really care what it’s called. I can easily call it the time she played on her blanket. 

[wendyroo]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

Yeah, mine always came with me to appointments too. 

But how did you train?

I'm stuck on that word. Did you give treats or something?

The only way I can conceive of training without punishment is training by reward. 

I do understand having a special set of toys or books or whatever that come out in tricky moments, and verbal encouragement to play. 

 

I guess training by consistency and perseverance. 

I started as soon as they could easily sit up. At that age they were still sitting in the stroller during appointments, but starting to get restless.

At home, at a time they were well fed and rested, I put them on the towel (the exact one I would be using in offices), gave them some special toys, and sat next to them interacting. When they went to move off the towel, I would just move them back and cheerfully tell them, "Play here for now."  I would aim for 5 minutes to start.

We practiced every day...while I read the kids a story, while I discussed a bill with DH, while I wrote a grocery list, etc. Over time I increased how long I aimed for, and then moved from being on the floor next to them to being in a chair next to them.

Once they understood the concept, then I mostly just needed to occasionally remind them. I would also bring back-up toys if they needed something new to play with mid-appointment. If they decided to push the boundary and leave the towel, then I would first remind them and ask them to come back, and if that wasn't enough then I would hold them on my lap. If they were happy, that was fine. If they tried to get down, I would remind them they needed to play on their towel or I would have to hold them again...and I would always follow through, not harshly, but sympathetically and matter of factly.

It was certainly not always smooth sailing, but we got a lot of practice and could almost always accomplish the necessary task of the appointment with only minimal strife on anyone's part.

[Melissa Louise]

2 minutes ago, freesia said:

Yes, and I started by just doing it for one minute and built it up to probably around 10. The toys were only ones she could use on the blanket. I would just return her to the blanket and remind her that this is where we play during read aloud time. The toys went away if she wouldn’t stay. She just learned that was her place at that time. The most punitive thing I ever did when she was an older toddler and I really needed to finish a book the older kids wanted was to put her in her room with the gate up a couple of times. She really wanted to be with us and understood at that point was that that was how she got to be there. But most of the time she was fine. I fully understand that not all children would have learned so easily and gently but I thought it was worth a try and it worked. If would never have done it if it had been hard. 
 

Balancing the needs of four kids with an eight and a half year span was a challenge. My older kids needed times I could read to them without a toddler climbing all over us or runnng around distracting us. Those were the days where I got through the day 15 minutes at a time. I nursed through spelling, put her in the bath to play while teaching my third to read, etc. 

I called it blanket time. I don’t really care what it’s called. I can easily call it the time she played on her blanket. 

Thanks.

So the toys and closeness to other family members were the reward?

Can I be annoying and ask another question? You don't need to answer.

Why a blanket?

Why not just baby plays in the room you're reading in and you close the door so she can't move out of sight?

[freesia]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

Thanks.

So the toys and closeness to other family members were the reward?

Can I be annoying and ask another question? You don't need to answer.

Why a blanket?

Why not just baby plays in the room you're reading in and you close the door so she can't move out of sight?

Because we had an open space floor plan where there were walls  that blocked the kitchen from the couch but no doors to close. We had a gate that closed off the stairs. Also my baby/ toddlers liked to crawl all over me and climb into the dining room table. I wanted to be able to focus on my older kids and it was one of my tools. 
 

I also sometimes used food—once she was old enough. 

[HS Mom in NC]

3 hours ago, annandatje said:

Why go to effort of training infant to use blanket when you can put them in a playpen with no training required?  How and why is blanket training preferable to a playpen during read alouds?  I ask because I’ve never known anyone who did blanket training. 

Because the blanket is easier to move and clean. I used a medium sized, lightweight  area rug. I had a bin of special toys that we only got out when I was "blanket training", although I didn't call it that because we weren't doing what the Pearls recommended and we didn't want to be associated with their nonsense. There were special treats too that she only had during that time.  I did it only for morning read alouds or when I needed use all together and I was focused on the older two (older two re 7 and 9 years older than youngest), which was about 30 minutes max.  When the youngest crawled off the blanket, we matter of factly picked her up, gave her a hug/kiss, put her back on it, handed her a toy or treat or both, and kept doing what we were doing. No scolding, no spanking, no talking at all, just physical redirection and enjoying a book and togetherness.
 

[Happy2BaMom]

22 minutes ago, MercyA said:

Yes. From Michael Pearl's own pen: "Training doesn’t necessarily require that the trainee be capable of reason; even mice and rats can be trained to respond to stimuli. Careful training can make a dog perfectly obedient. If a seeing-eye dog can be trained to reliably lead a blind man through the dangers of city streets, shouldn’t a parent expect more out of an intelligent child?"

(And he obviously doesn't know anything about mice and rats if he thinks they can't reason.)

True, and what this moron didn't realize is that a seeing-eye dog does not begin training until it's at least a year old. The American Veterinary Medical Assocation now considers the first year of a medium-sized dog's life to be the equivalent of the first 15 years of a human life. Without even considering the differences between expectations for a dog - with genetics bred in over thousands of years to be obedient to rank - with a human being, his comparison would only be valid if expectations for said child would *start* at age 15.

I am so, so done with Stupid.

[freesia]

10 minutes ago, wendyroo said:

I guess training by consistency and perseverance. 

I started as soon as they could easily sit up. At that age they were still sitting in the stroller during appointments, but starting to get restless.

At home, at a time they were well fed and rested, I put them on the towel (the exact one I would be using in offices), gave them some special toys, and sat next to them interacting. When they went to move off the towel, I would just move them back and cheerfully tell them, "Play here for now."  I would aim for 5 minutes to start.

We practiced every day...while I read the kids a story, while I discussed a bill with DH, while I wrote a grocery list, etc. Over time I increased how long I aimed for, and then moved from being on the floor next to them to being in a chair next to them.

Once they understood the concept, then I mostly just needed to occasionally remind them. I would also bring back-up toys if they needed something new to play with mid-appointment. If they decided to push the boundary and leave the towel, then I would first remind them and ask them to come back, and if that wasn't enough then I would hold them on my lap. If they were happy, that was fine. If they tried to get down, I would remind them they needed to play on their towel or I would have to hold them again...and I would always follow through, not harshly, but sympathetically and matter of factly.

It was certainly not always smooth sailing, but we got a lot of practice and could almost always accomplish the necessary task of the appointment with only minimal strife on anyone's part.

You explained it better than I. 

[HS Mom in NC]

6 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Thanks.

So the toys and closeness to other family members were the reward?

Can I be annoying and ask another question? You don't need to answer.

Why a blanket?

Why not just baby plays in the room you're reading in and you close the door so she can't move out of sight?

Not all rooms have doors on them.  Our livingroom had the best lighting and seating, quiet activities for the older two during red alouds,  and was an open floor plan. On one end it was open to the kitchen and on the other it was open to the other living area and diningroom. The entire downstairs was open except for the bathroom. Very typical of new builds in the southwest.

[Drama Llama]

6 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Thanks.

So the toys and closeness to other family members were the reward?

Can I be annoying and ask another question? You don't need to answer.

Why a blanket?

Why not just baby plays in the room you're reading in and you close the door so she can't move out of sight?

For me, I did the blanket because the times I needed them contained were usually outside.  And telling my kid "stay off the baseball diamond" or "stay out of the street" would have drawn their attention to those things.  So, I just said, "let's play here", or "X (trucks, snacks etc . . .) stay on the blanket".   My youngest was obsessed with being tickled so we did a lot of tickling on the blanket. 

With my oldest it always worked.  With my youngest, it wasn't perfect, but if it meant that I had to chase him to stop him from running towards someone swinging a bat, or towards the street once an hour, rather than once every 5 minutes, then that was helpful.

And we combined it with other strategies like going to the playground for a loooong time before games, and trying to time it so he was hungry at the game so that snacks would be super reinforcing (this was not hard, my youngest likes to eat), or having toys that were just for the sidelines.  

[pinball]

What about people who blanket train on a Gadsden flag? 
 

Worrisome or no?

🤔

[WildflowerMom]

27 minutes ago, MercyA said:

This seems like common sense. It *should* be common sense. But when I finally had a baby in my 30's, I had no experience at all with them and more importantly I trusted the wrong people to tell me what to do.

The rigidity of my thinking + untreated OCD + lack of sleep + stupid books from friends (including Ezzo and Pearl books) = me thinking that my baby should eat on a strict schedule and that I could "spoil" her by not letting her "cry it out."

Horrible, evil stuff. I would have done better to read *nothing* and follow my instincts. One of my biggest regrets in my whole life is that I tried to follow the advice in those books.

I wish I would have been part of the board then. You all would have helped me tremendously.

My biggest regret is that I popped ds when he was young.    I will never forgive myself for that.   It eats at me.  I wish I had this board back then, too. 

[Melissa Louise]

6 minutes ago, Drama Llama said:

For me, I did the blanket because the times I needed them contained were usually outside.  And telling my kid "stay off the baseball diamond" or "stay out of the street" would have drawn their attention to those things.  So, I just said, "let's play here", or "X (trucks, snacks etc . . .) stay on the blanket".   My youngest was obsessed with being tickled so we did a lot of tickling on the blanket. 

With my oldest it always worked.  With my youngest, it wasn't perfect, but if it meant that I had to chase him to stop him from running towards someone swinging a bat, or towards the street once an hour, rather than once every 5 minutes, then that was helpful.

And we combined it with other strategies like going to the playground for a loooong time before games, and trying to time it so he was hungry at the game so that snacks would be super reinforcing (this was not hard, my youngest likes to eat), or having toys that were just for the sidelines.  

But why wouldn't you just play with the baby on the rug?

Sorry, I know I sound dense, I just don't get the effort re. training.

I feel like training a baby requires a level of independence that babies just don't have. 

 

 

[Sneezyone]

2 hours ago, BronzeTurtle said:

Very near term? people have been training the kids to stay put in various ways since time immemorial the Pearl's didn't invent doing it with a stick. Everything is not about fundamentalism or conservatism vs whatever. 

Know better, do better. These discussions have been had here for a decade, at least.