Blended families issues

[annandatje]

39 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

She wasn't actually turned away. The parent suggested she come to the house for a cookout by the pool and she said she said she would get back to the parent  and never did.  

 

You stated that mother was opposed to meeting child outside home.  It is splitting hairs to claim she did not turn her away when child stated she did not want to be around step-parent.  You have no way of knowing whether child had basis to cut contact with either parent or step-parent.  You are hearing only mother’s version so a lot is missing from this narrative.  

[Shoeless]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Right, I can understand that.  But that is a bit different from being raised in this blended family from age 7 or 8.  

I knew my first stepmother from age 5 until she died 30 years later. I didn't choose her or my stepfather. I didn't like either of them and still don't. I was never hateful to either of them, but given the choice between time alone with my parent or time with parent and step parent together? I would chose parent-only every time. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, annandatje said:

You stated that mother was opposed to meeting child outside home.  It is splitting hairs to claim she did not turn her away when child stated she did not want to be around step-parent.  You have no way of knowing whether child had basis to cut contact with either parent or step-parent.  You are hearing only mother’s version so a lot is missing from this narrative.  

It is the father not the mother.  And yes, the father has told his wife that he doesn’t want to go without wife…..which I think is weird honestly.  And in this situation a mistake,  but he did not say that to his dd.  He just suggested an alternative. Which she never responded to.  

[Catwoman]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

He never said my way or the highway though.  He suggested she come to the house and she never got back to him. But it is true he did not think it was right to go without his wife.  I think that was a mistake.  

Based on this post I quoted below, it sure sounds like he said, “my way or the highway.” 

You keep acting like the girl is the one who is refusing to meet the parent, but the girl specifically asked to meet the parent outside the home for lunch without the stepparent being present. She wanted to meet, but the parent refused.

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

The step parent in this situation was fine with the parent going alone.  The parent refused.  The parent said it was setting a bad precedent.

 

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

It is the father not the mother.  And yes, the father has told his wife that he doesn’t want to go without wife…..which I think is weird honestly.  And in this situation a mistake,  but he did not say that to his dd.  He just suggested an alternative. Which she never responded to.  

 

4 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Based on this post I quoted below, it sure sounds like he said, “my way or the highway.” 

You keep acting like the girl is the one who is refusing to meet the parent, but the girl specifically asked to meet the parent outside the home for lunch without the stepparent being present. She wanted to meet, but the parent refused.

 

See above 

[regentrude]

Coming late...

yes, of course I would have met the adult kid in a location of her choice. Especially when it is a troubled young adult and the relationship is difficult - I would take any opportunity to see the kid on her terms.

I do not believe the kid needs to have a relationship with their step-parent. It would be nice and easier for the parent of she did, but divorce is very painful for a kid, and who knows what baggage they carry from the years leading up to the separation of their parents, and from the time of their divorce. 
The parent insisting that it's either with him plus stepmom or not is not seriously working on the relationship.

As for blaming a 19 y/o: we all know that this is a difficult age. This young woman seems to go through an even more difficult time than some. We know young adults need a lot of help and support. So why be an ass about the simple request to meet without stepmom? I don't get it.

[Catwoman]

Just now, Scarlett said:

 

See above 

But his “alternative” involved the girl coming to his house. He already knew she didn’t want to do that.

 

[Terabith]

Any father who says he won't see his daughter without his current wife along for the ride is a jerk.  Honestly, from the information you've shared here, while I'm sure the child is no angel, I can't blame the child a bit for refusing to come to the house.

[Scarlett]

I have noticed men especially who don’t want to do anything with their kids without their wife.   

[Catwoman]

Just now, Terabith said:

Any father who says he won't see his daughter without his current wife along for the ride is a jerk.  Honestly, from the information you've shared here, while I'm sure the child is no angel, I can't blame the child a bit for refusing to come to the house.

I agree! 

The father sounds like a real control freak. 

I feel sorry for the girl. All she wanted was a little birthday lunch with her dad, and he had to be a total jerk about it.

No wonder she’s not rushing to call him back. Why would she bother?

[Scarlett]

Just now, Catwoman said:

But his “alternative” involved the girl coming to his house. He already knew she didn’t want to do that.

 

No he did not.  I summed up the whole situation, but he did not know  she for sure did not want to see his wife. When she never got back to him that is what he surmised.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, Catwoman said:

I agree! 

The father sounds like a real control freak. 

I feel sorry for the girl. All she wanted was a little birthday lunch with her dad, and he had to be a total jerk about it.

No wonder she’s not rushing to call him back. Why would she bother?

Control freak? No.  He is if anything too passive about all of this.  He is very non confrontational and just lets things happen.  
 

 

[Shoeless]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

 

 

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Which she never responded to.  

That is a response, though. She said she doesn't want to see stepmother, so let's eat lunch out. Dad said she should come over to the house instead, knowing that his daughter didn't want to do that.  

My dad has his own variation on this, and I stop engaging when he pulls this type of stunt. If I say "I don't want to do a, I want to do b", and he comes back with "Let's just do b because that is what I want", then I know that my opinion is irrelevant to him, and I am not wasting my time by arguing. 

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

No he did not.  I summed up the whole situation, but he did not know  she for sure did not want to see his wife. When she never got back to him that is what he surmised.  

Oh come on, Scarlett. This was what you specifically said in your OP:

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Curious what others would do.

Say you have been married for 11 years to your current spouse.  You have a 19 year old dd from previous marriage.  Your X had primary custody but you saw your dd on a regular schedule with no issues even after you remarried current spouse.  

Your dd turned 16, was given a vehicle by primary parent (along with total freedom) and really nothing was ever the same after that.  She started drinking, doing drugs, getting into trouble of all kinds.  She did not want to come for visitation and when an attempt was made to press the issue she suddenly HATES your current spouse.  That is the reason she uses for no longer wanting to come around.  When it was time for her birthday she did not want to come to your house for a dinner but wanted you to meet her for lunch without your mate.  

Would you do that?  

You made it crystal clear that the girl hates the stepparent.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Shoeless said:

 

That is a response, though. She said she doesn't want to see stepmother, so let's eat lunch out. Dad said she should come over to the house instead, knowing that his daughter didn't want to do that.  

My dad has his own variation on this, and I stop engaging when he pulls this type of stunt. If I say "I don't want to do a, I want to do b", and he comes back with "Let's just do b because that is what I want", then I know that my opinion is irrelevant to him, and I am not wasting my time by arguing. 

Yes, I can see that.  I am not sure he sees it.  

[annandatje]

Some people seem to have strong focus on pointing out who is to blame particularly in parent-child relationship struggles and itemizing all ways that child has disrespected and disappointed them. You are correct that “young adults are not always blameless” but an effective parent can see the forest (overall picture) without blaming trees and hopefully set aside their own egos in effort to maintain loving relationship with adult child.  Maybe the parents and step-parents will reconsider before they lose the child permanently.  In most cases adult kids do not cut off parents and step parents without basis.  Honestly I think they should consider themselves fortunate if she does reach out to them again.

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Control freak? No.  He is if anything too passive about all of this.  He is very non confrontational and just lets things happen.  
 

 

That's not the way you have been describing him here. His daughter had one simple request for her birthday -- lunch with her dad outside the house without the stepparent. He refused and is adamant that the stepparent be included or else he won't go.

That is NOT passive behavior.

[Catwoman]

Just now, annandatje said:

Some people seem to have strong focus on pointing out who is to blame particularly in parent-child relationship struggles and itemizing all ways that child has disrespected and disappointed them. You are correct that “young adults are not always blameless” but an effective parent can see the forest (overall picture) without blaming trees and hopefully set aside their own egos in effort to maintain loving relationship with adult child.  Maybe the parents and step-parents will reconsider before they lose the child permanently.  In most cases adult kids do not cut off parents and step parents without basis.  Honestly I think they should consider themselves fortunate if she does reach out to them again.

I agree.

Her feelings are probably very hurt that her dad wouldn't meet her for lunch on her birthday. 

I think it's awful that he insisted on dictating not only the location (his house,) but also that the stepparent be present, even though Scarlett said in her OP that the girl HATES her stepparent.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

Oh come on, Scarlett. This was what you specifically said in your OP:

You made it crystal clear that the girl hates the stepparent.

Yes.when she was 16.   But when the birthday lunch was suggested she did not say, ‘I hate sm and don’t want her to come.’  Since the sm really had not done anything deserving of hate I think he hoped she was just a 16 year old saying what she needed to say to go party instead of come see him.  You don’t always assume they feel the same way at age 19.  

[Catwoman]

Just now, Scarlett said:

Yes.when she was 16.   But when the birthday lunch was suggested she did not say, ‘I hate sm and don’t want her to come.’  Since the sm really had not done anything deserving of hate I think he hoped she was just a 16 year old saying what she needed to say to go party instead of come see him.  You don’t always assume they feel the same way at age 19.  

Wait.

He hasn't been in touch with his daughter at all for the past 3 years???

[annandatje]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Control freak? No.  He is if anything too passive about all of this.  He is very non confrontational and just lets things happen.  
 

 

You stated he is too passive about all of this. 

What do you think he should do that would entail non-passivity ?

Edited September 1, 2023 by annandatje

[Scarlett]

Just now, Catwoman said:

Wait.

He hasn't been in touch with his daughter at all for the past 3 years???

No that is not what I said.  Good gravy. I said she quit coming to see them when she was 16.  Her reason was the step mom.  He has reached out repeatedly and consistently to her since but she only comes around when it is gift giving time.  So he hoped she wasn’t still hating on his wife and hoped they could have a family dinner.  
 

You are exhausting me because you have made up,your mind  that the girl is hurt and innocent and the father and stepmother are abusive jerks.  Things are definitely a little more nuanced than that.  

[Terabith]

I mean, it seems pretty clear you want us to say the father is right to refuse to meet his daughter for lunch.  

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, annandatje said:

You stated he is too passive about all of this. 

What do you think he should that would entail non-passivity ?

I am not sure because I know from experience young adults can be impossible to please or reach.  But I do know even though it is hard he should keep reaching out.  And I think he should be willing to have a lunch without his wife.  And wife is not demanding she be involved….so not sure why he is resistant to that.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, Terabith said:

I mean, it seems pretty clear you want us to say the father is right to refuse to meet his daughter for lunch.  

Do you even read my posts? That is exactly the opposite of what I said I felt about the situation.  

[Shoeless]

Just now, Scarlett said:

No that is not what I said.  Good gravy. I said she quit coming to see them when she was 16.  Her reason was the step mom.  He has reached out repeatedly and consistently to her since but she only comes around when it is gift giving time.  So he hoped she wasn’t still hating on his wife and hoped they could have a family dinner.  
 

You are exhausting me because you have made up,your mind  that the girl is hurt and innocent and the father and stepmother are abusive jerks.  Things are definitely a little more nuanced than that.  

She hasn't been around for 3 years after stating she didn't like stepmother. Opening with "let's have a family dinner with stepmother" after that kind of distance is self absorbed idiocy. 

Most holidays in the US involve gifts. Did dad invite daughter over for Flag Day or Memorial Day? 😂 Probably not. 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

No that is not what I said.  Good gravy. I said she quit coming to see them when she was 16.  Her reason was the step mom.  He has reached out repeatedly and consistently to her since but she only comes around when it is gift giving time.  So he hoped she wasn’t still hating on his wife and hoped they could have a family dinner.  
 

You are exhausting me because you have made up,your mind  that the girl is hurt and innocent and the father and stepmother are abusive jerks.  Things are definitely a little more nuanced than that.  

He sounds like Father of the Year. 🙄

It has been 3 years since she stopped coming to visit because she hated the stepmother, but all of a sudden, her father decides that instead of taking his daughter to lunch, he was going to force her to spend her birthday with her stepmother that she has hated for years.

Yeah. That was idiotic.

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Terabith said:

I mean, it seems pretty clear you want us to say the father is right to refuse to meet his daughter for lunch.  

That's what it seems like, doesn't it?

Ugh.

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Do you even read my posts? That is exactly the opposite of what I said I felt about the situation.  

And yet you keep harping on all of the daughter's negative qualities and trying to blame her for this, and you keep telling us that the guy and his wife are good parents.

We all just happen to disagree with you.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Catwoman said:

And yet you keep harping on all of the daughter's negative qualities and trying to blame her for this, and you keep telling us that the guy and his wife are good parents.

We all just happen to disagree with you.

Two things can exist.  He could have made the wrong call in that one instance and yet be an overall good human.  She can be just as imperfect as her father. 

[Shoeless]

Scarlett, I get that you've got an axe to grind about step kids. That comes through loud and clear in so many of your posts. 

Your point seems to be that dad was wrong, but this girl is even more wrong and poor stepmother didn't do a thing to deserve it, and she's the real victim in this. 

People don't have to be actively evil or hateful to be disliked. 

[Shoeless]

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Two things can exist.  He could have made the wrong call in that one instance and yet be an overall good human.  She can be just as imperfect as her father. 

She's 19 and with a possible drug problem.

He's what? 40s? 50s? Supposedly more experienced, wise, and mature.

But the troubled kid has as much responsibility in this as her dad?

Come on, now. 

[Scarlett]

Just now, Shoeless said:

She's 19 and with a possible drug problem.

He's what? 40s? 50s? Supposedly more experienced, wise, and mature.

But the troubled kid has as much responsibility in this as her dad?

Come on, now. 

I never said she has as much responsibility. 

[Shoeless]

Just now, Scarlett said:

I never said she has as much responsibility. 

You implied it. "She can be just as imperfect as her father". 

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, Shoeless said:

Scarlett, I get that you've got an axe to grind about step kids. That comes through loud and clear in so many of your posts. 

Your point seems to be that dad was wrong, but this girl is even more wrong and poor stepmother didn't do a thing to deserve it, and she's the real victim in this. 

People don't have to be actively evil or hateful to be disliked. 

I have an ax to grind about step kids?   I am a step kid.  I have step kids.  My son is a step kid.  That is a weird thing to say.  
 

Also never said the girl is more wrong or the step mom is the victim.  I don’t think any of that.  
 

 

[Scarlett]

Thanks to those who gave their opinion of lunch alone with a parent.  That is my take too and I was just curious what others think.
Blended families are very difficult for everyone.   

[pinball]

21 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Blended families are very difficult for everyone.   

Not everyone 

 

[Celebrity pic deleted by moderator]

[Heartstrings]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I have noticed men especially who don’t want to do anything with their kids without their wife.   

I agree that its common.  Women are often the facilitators of relationship.  Men often like to abdicate all of that emotional labor to their wives.  

[Heartstrings]

33 minutes ago, Shoeless said:

She's 19 and with a possible drug problem

The common wisdom is that a child's development is frozen at the age that the child starts drinking or using drugs.  If she started doing that at age 16, she is likely frozen in the brain of a 16 year old. All the more reason to give this kid some grace.  

 

[LMD]

I'm curious, does  'grace' mean dad shouldn't have told his adult daughter not to come around when high? Does grace mean that a 'troubled' young adult has zero responsibility or consequences? How much abusive, disrespectful, traumatising to other children behaviour are the parents supposed to just absorb without having boundaries of their own?

Yeah, maybe I'm too sensitive at the moment for the takes in this thread...

[Shoeless]

4 minutes ago, LMD said:

I'm curious, does  'grace' mean dad shouldn't have told his adult daughter not to come around when high? Does grace mean that a 'troubled' young adult has zero responsibility or consequences? How much abusive, disrespectful, traumatising to other children behaviour are the parents supposed to just absorb without having boundaries of their own?

Yeah, maybe I'm too sensitive at the moment for the takes in this thread...

If dad met daughter outside of the home, then no one else would have been exposed to supposed "traumatizing" behavior from the daughter. And according to Scarlett, the daughter wasn't talking to step siblings, anyway, so how do you traumatize people you don't see or speak to?

It was dad that wanted daughter to come over to the home for a "family" meal. So much for boundaries! 

[katilac]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

No he did not.  I summed up the whole situation, but he did not know  she for sure did not want to see his wife. When she never got back to him that is what he surmised.  

I don't think it takes a genius to go ahead and surmise that when she suggests lunch with him, not at his house. 

6 minutes ago, LMD said:

I'm curious, does  'grace' mean dad shouldn't have told his adult daughter not to come around when high? Does grace mean that a 'troubled' young adult has zero responsibility or consequences? How much abusive, disrespectful, traumatising to other children behaviour are the parents supposed to just absorb without having boundaries of their own?

Yeah, maybe I'm too sensitive at the moment for the takes in this thread...

If you are unsure of their behavior in your home, isn't that all the more reason to meet them outside of the home? Just you, no siblings, no stepparent? 

[Catwoman]

4 minutes ago, Shoeless said:

If dad met daughter outside of the home, then no one else would have been exposed to supposed "traumatizing" behavior from the daughter. And according to Scarlett, the daughter wasn't talking to step siblings, anyway, so how do you traumatize people you don't see or speak to?

It was dad that wanted daughter to come over to the home for a "family" meal. So much for boundaries! 

Yes, I don't think anyone was saying that the dad and stepmom shouldn't have any boundaries. I don't think we were discussing that at all.

Most of us were commenting on the fact that the daughter asked for a simple birthday lunch, one-on-one with her father, away from his family home, and she didn't want the stepmom to attend, but the father refused his daughter's request and insisted that the stepmom be included (and he also wanted the daughter to come to his home for the meal.)  We thought he should have just gone out to lunch with his daughter, particularly because the daughter has hated her stepmother for the past 3 years. It was a special occasion -- the girl's birthday. What was the point of forcing the interaction between the girl and her stepmom? 

[Scarlett]

20 minutes ago, LMD said:

I'm curious, does  'grace' mean dad shouldn't have told his adult daughter not to come around when high? Does grace mean that a 'troubled' young adult has zero responsibility or consequences? How much abusive, disrespectful, traumatising to other children behaviour are the parents supposed to just absorb without having boundaries of their own?

Yeah, maybe I'm too sensitive at the moment for the takes in this thread...

 

13 minutes ago, Shoeless said:

If dad met daughter outside of the home, then no one else would have been exposed to supposed "traumatizing" behavior from the daughter. And according to Scarlett, the daughter wasn't talking to step siblings, anyway, so how do you traumatize people you don't see or speak to?

It was dad that wanted daughter to come over to the home for a "family" meal. So much for boundaries! 

 

5 minutes ago, katilac said:

I don't think it takes a genius to go ahead and surmise that when she suggests lunch with him, not at his house. 

If you are unsure of their behavior in your home, isn't that all the more reason to meet them outside of the home? Just you, no siblings, no stepparent? 

Those are some good  points.  I suspect the dad just badly wants things to go back like they were before she got her own vehicle and start using drugs.  

[Lecka]

It’s hard to know what I would think with more details….

 

But I do find it disrespectful.  I do see how it could seem judgmental and demanding of the father.  
 

I think there is an element of “but we’ve been divorced so long, how am I still having to deal with that.”  I am sympathetic to that.

 

But I think it’s wrong.  I think the adult is supposed to be more mature and provide a good role model.  
 

I think that means dealing with it that — just because he’s tired of there being fall-out from the divorce and dissolution of his family, that there’s no more fall-out.  
 

There is fall-out, and if it’s not the adults’ fault, is it the kids’?

 

If it’s the ex-wife’s fault, why did the man marry her and have a child with her?  
 

Even if the ex-wife is so bad, and it sounds like she has some issues, she is still the mother of the teen and is a child supposed to be clear-eyed about their mother?  
 

I think it all comes out to — somebody is an adult, and needs to do the unpleasant parts with the difficult people.  
 

Until a much greater line is crossed than wanting a 1-on-1 meal.  

Although if there are in fact many previous things and this is “the last straw” I would see it differently.  
 

But with the current details, a child is supposed to deal with a divorce gracefully, but an adult can’t even handle a slight towards his current wife?  These two things don’t go together.  
 

Often kids are supposed to just deal with it but adults aren’t held to the same standards.  

 

[Scarlett]

22 minutes ago, LMD said:

I'm curious, does  'grace' mean dad shouldn't have told his adult daughter not to come around when high? Does grace mean that a 'troubled' young adult has zero responsibility or consequences? How much abusive, disrespectful, traumatising to other children behaviour are the parents supposed to just absorb without having boundaries of their own?

Yeah, maybe I'm too sensitive at the moment for the takes in this thread...

I feel ya and thanks for being brave enough to suggest young adults can be the problem sometimes.  This story is not about or boiled down to one little simple request to have a meal alone with her dad.  There is a ton that has gone on that I don’t have the energy to report here.  I can see a lot wrong with the situation in question.  The girl has sent her dad some very ugly texts. He has only responded with kindness.   It is painful to watch it all unfold.  
 

All I can do is support the step mom and encourage her to stay out of it and to vent to me or her therapist not to her husband. 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Lecka said:

It’s hard to know what I would think with more details….

 

But I do find it disrespectful.  I do see how it could seem judgmental and demanding of the father.  
 

I think there is an element of “but we’ve been divorced so long, how am I still having to deal with that.”  I am sympathetic to that.

 

But I think it’s wrong.  I think the adult is supposed to be more mature and provide a good role model.  
 

I think that means dealing with it that — just because he’s tired of there being fall-out from the divorce and dissolution of his family, that there’s no more fall-out.  
 

There is fall-out, and if it’s not the adults’ fault, is it the kids’?

 

If it’s the ex-wife’s fault, why did the man marry her and have a child with her?  
 

Even if the ex-wife is so bad, and it sounds like she has some issues, she is still the mother of the teen and is a child supposed to be clear-eyed about their mother?  
 

I think it all comes out to — somebody is an adult, and needs to do the unpleasant parts with the difficult people.  
 

Until a much greater line is crossed than wanting a 1-on-1 meal.  

Although if there are in fact many previous things and this is “the last straw” I would see it differently.  
 

But with the current details, a child is supposed to deal with a divorce gracefully, but an adult can’t even handle a slight towards his current wife?  These two things don’t go together.  
 

Often kids are supposed to just deal with it but adults aren’t held to the same standards.  

 

Absolutely there is much more.  And  I said something similar to stepmom today, ‘yes the sdd is immature and unkind but all the more reason for you and her dad to be the grownups’. 

Edited September 1, 2023 by Scarlett

[Heartstrings]

7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Absolutely there is much more.  And  I said something similar to stepmom today, ‘yes the sdd is immature and unkind but all the more reason for you and her dad to be the grownups’. 

At least it sounds like you're giving them good advice. 

[Ausmumof3]

On a surface level yes he should no question. I know the kind of resentment I had about having a step Mum even when my own mum had died and I had other very good reason to have relationships with her.

Step mum could have been abusive

step daughter could have been abusive

step daughter may have been rejecting step mum as that’s pretty common (the step mother trope in fairytales exists for a reason)

Step daughter could just have been a drop kick who got into drugs for no reason

Step daughter could have got into drugs due to lack of support and a sucky home life she needed to escape from.

There’s a million potential scenarios. Unless she’s dangerous I think Dad should have seen her outside the family home. If she asks for money or something he should probably say no. It’s what I would do for my kids.

I don’t know why I bother replying to these threads because they all go the same way. You usually have a preconceived idea and anything that doesn’t fit gets rejected.

Edited September 1, 2023 by Ausmumof3

[Scarlett]

13 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

On a surface level yes he should no question. I know the kind of resentment I had about having a step Mum even when my own mum had died and I had other very good reason to have relationships with her.

Step mum could have been abusive

step daughter could have been abusive

step daughter may have been rejecting step mum as that’s pretty common (the step mother trope in fairytales exists for a reason)

Step daughter could just have been a drop kick who got into drugs for no reason

Step daughter could have got into drugs due to lack of support and a sucky home life she needed to escape from.

There’s a million potential scenarios. Unless she’s dangerous I think Dad should have seen her outside the family home. If she asks for money or something he should probably say no. It’s what I would do for my kids.

I don’t know why I bother replying to these threads because they all go the same way. You usually have a preconceived idea and anything that doesn’t fit gets rejected.

I don’t know why you bother replying either if you think I should not have a preconceived idea about people that I actually know and love. I asked a WWYD about a specific detail….should he or should he not have gone to lunch alone with dd.  Everyone agreed with me on that point.  Much of the rest was attacks and assumptions and I defended as it seemed I should.