Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 Curious what others would do. Say you have been married for 11 years to your current spouse. You have a 19 year old dd from previous marriage. Your X had primary custody but you saw your dd on a regular schedule with no issues even after you remarried current spouse. Your dd turned 16, was given a vehicle by primary parent (along with total freedom) and really nothing was ever the same after that. She started drinking, doing drugs, getting into trouble of all kinds. She did not want to come for visitation and when an attempt was made to press the issue she suddenly HATES your current spouse. That is the reason she uses for no longer wanting to come around. When it was time for her birthday she did not want to come to your house for a dinner but wanted you to meet her for lunch without your mate. Would you do that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 Of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 Yes, I would. The child did not choose their parent's divorce nor their step-parent. If they want to have a relationship with just the parent, I would accept that. 23 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 Blended families require compartmentalising. In every example I've seen, the stubborn refusal to do so on the part of the parental figures has caused 'I would rather be right than happy' and much good it did them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 20 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Curious what others would do. Say you have been married for 11 years to your current spouse. You have a 19 year old dd from previous marriage. Your X had primary custody but you saw your dd on a regular schedule with no issues even after you remarried current spouse. Your dd turned 16, was given a vehicle by primary parent (along with total freedom) and really nothing was ever the same after that. She started drinking, doing drugs, getting into trouble of all kinds. She did not want to come for visitation and when an attempt was made to press the issue she suddenly HATES your current spouse. That is the reason she uses for no longer wanting to come around. When it was time for her birthday she did not want to come to your house for a dinner but wanted you to meet her for lunch without your mate. Would you do that? Why wouldn't you do that? 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 Yes. It’s not a good situation. It’s not time to hold to standards that might be held to in a better situation. If the parent doesn’t go, it is too easy and obvious for the 16yo to say “the parent doesn’t care about me.” I think it’s a bit of an unreasonable demand, but it’s not so unreasonable I think it shouldn’t be done. I don’t think it’s great, but this is the smallest part of the whole situation not being great. This is something that could even go well and make the 16yo think “maybe I’ve been being unreasonable.” 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinball Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 19 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Curious what others would do. Say you have been married for 11 years to your current spouse. You have a 19 year old dd from previous marriage. Your X had primary custody but you saw your dd on a regular schedule with no issues even after you remarried current spouse. Your dd turned 16, was given a vehicle by primary parent (along with total freedom) and really nothing was ever the same after that. She started drinking, doing drugs, getting into trouble of all kinds. She did not want to come for visitation and when an attempt was made to press the issue she suddenly HATES your current spouse. That is the reason she uses for no longer wanting to come around. When it was time for her birthday she did not want to come to your house for a dinner but wanted you to meet her for lunch without your mate. Would you do that? Absolutely not! drinking, doing drugs, getting into trouble?! and hates my spouse? not only would I not see her ALONE, I’d rescind my invitation to my home, too. After all, she clearly doesn’t need all support or guidance or unconditional love… 😒 🙄 👿 oh, shoot…did I say that sarcastic part outloud? ahem, sorry. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 13 minutes ago, Lecka said: Yes. It’s not a good situation. It’s not time to hold to standards that might be held to in a better situation. If the parent doesn’t go, it is too easy and obvious for the 16yo to say “the parent doesn’t care about me.” I think it’s a bit of an unreasonable demand, but it’s not so unreasonable I think it shouldn’t be done. I don’t think it’s great, but this is the smallest part of the whole situation not being great. This is something that could even go well and make the 16yo think “maybe I’ve been being unreasonable.” I agree that the parent should go. Also, we don't know for sure that the kid doesn't have a legitimate problem with the stepparent. She might have a good reason for not wanting to spend her birthday with the stepparent. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 Yes, of course. I wouldn’t say a peep about current spouse, vehicle, or any past issues. You are there to celebrate a birthday and the kid. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 Yes, I would. She has clearly been struggling but is leaving the door open to this parent. That is a good thing. The parent/step-parent need to be the mature adults here and not create drama. They need to realize that their actions now will probably affect the relationship with this dd for a long time. The step-parent making a stink here ir the parent insisting the spouse comes will only add to the dd’s narrative. Treating dd with respect here ups the chances for reconciliation. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 Why wouldn’t you go! The kid has the courage speak up and I would respect it. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 I would also hope, as the parent, that if my kid expressed concern about being around current spouse that I had expressed love and support for the kid, that I arranged all kinds of opportunities with kid apart from spouse, and that I respected kid’s feelings (whether I felt they had legitimate basis or not). My obligation to be a good parent is on me. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 Yes, of course. As the adult and parent in the relationship, I would keep that door open any way possible. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberia Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 Yes, I would go, and not make an issue out of her dislike for my current spouse. Divorce is very hard on young kids, whether they acknowledge it or not. Kids all process their anger/guilt/confusion over divorce differently. I'd play the long game, and keep my kid in my life as much as possible in hopes that she'll come around later, after some healing and maturing. If she turns toxic or destructive to you or your marriage, you'd have to re-evaluate and set some boundaries. But this request, to meet you alone, seems sort of neutral to me. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw4321 Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 I’m not sure why everyone is assuming that the person in question is Scarlet. I can’t imagine this scenario in real life but I hope I would. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 3 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said: I’m not sure why everyone is assuming that the person in question is Scarlet. Most of us know Scarlett doesn't have daughters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 The step parent in this situation was fine with the parent going alone. The parent refused. The parent said it was setting a bad precedent. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 4 minutes ago, Scarlett said: The step parent in this situation was fine with the parent going alone. The parent refused. The parent said it was setting a bad precedent. Well, try not to damage your eyes rolling them too hard later on when this person puts all the blame on the child or their ex for the lack of relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 3 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said: Well, try not to damage your eyes rolling them too hard later on when this person puts all the blame on the child or their ex for the lack of relationship. Yup. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinball Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 16 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said: I’m not sure why everyone is assuming that the person in question is Scarlet. I can’t imagine this scenario in real life but I hope I would. Who cares who it is? they sound like they suck 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 Thanks all. They are both good parents and this girl has been very challenging. I think 19 year old's do need to have some responsibility for maintaining a relationship especially outside of abandonment and abuse. Neither of which she has experienced. However, I have told the step parent in this situation that she will grow up and come around and the best thing to do for now is to ignore the bad attitude toward step parent and try to preserve the relationship for the future. It isn't just the step parent but step siblings that she grew up with that she has cut off. Her step sister had a baby and she has never been to see the baby or acknowledged baby in any way. It screams drug problems to me but all the step parent can see is disrespect. Parent and step parent are in therapy so hopefully they can survive it. It is more than one birthday lunch of course. Too much to post for sure. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 It’s not on the 19 yo to maintain the relationship. There is a power dynamic differential. Parent should want to be in the kid’s life and parent should be dancing for joy to have the opportunity to see the kid. Parent feels slighted that 19yo hasn’t been to see nephew or that 19yo has beef with stepparent? Parent needs to grow up, set aside their ego, and go love their kid. I think even less of parent now. 17 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 Telling a teenager to obey has never solved a drug problem or disrespect. Hopefully she grows up, cleans up and they all sort themselves into harmony. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 I've been both the child in a blended family with a bad relationship with non custodial parent, partially due to step-parent issues that parent wasn't willing to maintain a relationship around, and the parent in a blended family situation. I have never been a step-parent though. Parent should be doing whatever they can to maintain a relationship with the daughter. If that means going to a birthday lunch alone, that is what they should do. Worrying about setting a precedent is going to lead to the daughter not wanting a relationship at all, and there may be no recovering from that. I had very limited relationship with my father from 16 to 24, then no relationship at all until I was in my mid-30's and his wife died. I reached out then and we had an okay but not close relationship for a while. Now we are back to no relationship at all. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 I grew up in a blended family. If any of my parents had refused to have lunch with me I would have been done with them. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 It’s ALWAYS the parent’s responsibility to maintain a relationship with a child who lives outside of their house, adult or minor. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, Scarlett said: Would you do that? Yes, I would accept child’s invitation. What parent or step-parent in their right mind would turn her away? Edited August 31, 2023 by annandatje 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 53 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Parent and step parent are in therapy so hopefully they can survive it. Did the therapist weigh in on the dilemma? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said: It’s not on the 19 yo to maintain the relationship. There is a power dynamic differential. Parent should want to be in the kid’s life and parent should be dancing for joy to have the opportunity to see the kid. Parent feels slighted that 19yo hasn’t been to see nephew or that 19yo has beef with stepparent? Parent needs to grow up, set aside their ego, and go love their kid. I think even less of parent now. I did not say they felt slighted. I was posting that to give a broader picture that the dd has distanced herself. You have so little to go on to dislike strangers so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 33 minutes ago, annandatje said: Yes, I would accept child’s invitation. What parent or step-parent in their right mind would turn her away? She wasn't actually turned away. The parent suggested she come to the house for a cookout by the pool and she said she said she would get back to the parent and never did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 1 minute ago, Scarlett said: She wasn't actually turned away. The parent suggested she come to the house for a cookout by the pool and she said she said she would get back to the parent and never did. She was turned away. The daughter said she didn't want to be around the step parent and suggested meeting with the parent elsewhere, presumably a restaurant. Parent saying "my house for a cookout or nothing" is 100% turning her away. 14 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 The parent has reached out repeatedly and been ignored about 95% of the time. Parent suggested meeting in person, trying to start fresh. DD either doesn't answer or she says she will think about it. Parents are human beings too so I think there is a limit to the rejection before you just let her go for a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 (edited) I am not sure what the therapist is saying about the dd alienating herself from the family. Honestly though I don't know what you can do except accept their choice. She is an adult. They have done nothing to her worthy of alienation. She blocks her parent and anyone else who tries to contact her. My dh went through this with his oldest. It took about 7 years for his son to realize he had been alienated from his dad by his mom. It does happen more than you realize. Dh did his best to reach out but at times he was blocked. Edited August 31, 2023 by Scarlett Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 I've been the child in a blended family and am now a step parent. I would absolutely go meet my child for lunch without spouse if that is what it took to keep communication open. Divorce is hard on kids. Remarriage is hard, too. One of my ex stepmother's was a nasty piece of work and threatened me and my son. Dad picked her over his child and grandson, and then dug in his heels insisting he and Hagatha were a package deal that I needed to accept. Dad and I barely have a relationship now, even though he's since divorced Hagatha. And yes, he blames me entirely for the fall out. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 7 minutes ago, Scarlett said: The parent has reached out repeatedly and been ignored about 95% of the time. Parent suggested meeting in person, trying to start fresh. DD either doesn't answer or she says she will think about it. Parents are human beings too so I think there is a limit to the rejection before you just let her go for a bit. Why did you even start the thread if you were going to argue with a 100% consensus that the parent is wrong? 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 1 minute ago, Shoeless said: I've been the child in a blended family and am now a step parent. I would absolutely go meet my child for lunch without spouse if that is what it took to keep communication open. Divorce is hard on kids. Remarriage is hard, too. One of my ex stepmother's was a nasty piece of work and threatened me and my son. Dad picked her over his child and grandson, and then dug in his heels insisting he and Hagatha were a package deal that I needed to accept. Dad and I barely have a relationship now, even though he's since divorced Hagatha. And yes, he blames me entirely for the fall out. Agree. Dh went to see his son for a meal or whatever anytime he could. If it seemed better for me to not be there I was glad to step aside. I haven't really experienced hate from my step sons though. So I am sure it would be hard to be the step parent in the family I am talking about. Also the step parent was always very very good to sdd. Steparent definitedly treated sdd as own child. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 Just now, Catwoman said: Why did you even start the thread if you were going to argue with a 100% consensus that the parent is wrong? I can't even with you Cat. It is a discussion. I actually AGREE that the parent should go alone if that is what it takes to maintain a bit of contact. I don't agree that a young adult always blameless 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 9 minutes ago, Scarlett said: The parent has reached out repeatedly and been ignored about 95% of the time. Parent suggested meeting in person, trying to start fresh. DD either doesn't answer or she says she will think about it. Parents are human beings too so I think there is a limit to the rejection before you just let her go for a bit. That’s not what you said in your OP. You said: 2 hours ago, Scarlett said: When it was time for her birthday she did not want to come to your house for a dinner but wanted you to meet her for lunch without your mate. Clearly, the girl wanted to meet her parent for lunch. She just didn’t want to do it at the parent’s house. I feel like you are changing your story to garner sympathy for the parent and stepparent. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 2 minutes ago, Catwoman said: That’s not what you said in your OP. You said: Clearly, the girl wanted to meet her parent for lunch. She just didn’t want to do it at the parent’s house. I feel like you are changing your story to garner sympathy for the parent and stepparent. What is it with you constantly accusing me of lying. My story did not change. I added more to it and it isn’t all about one birthday meal. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 (edited) 1 minute ago, Scarlett said: What is it with you constantly accusing me of lying. My story did not change. I added more to it and it isn’t all about one birthday meal. I’m not “constantly accusing you of lying.” (Maybe you have a guilty conscience and that’s why it’s making you paranoid? 😉 ) And yes, your story did change. Edited August 31, 2023 by Catwoman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartstrings Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Scarlett said: The parent has reached out repeatedly and been ignored about 95% of the time. Parent suggested meeting in person, trying to start fresh. DD either doesn't answer or she says she will think about it. Parents are human beings too so I think there is a limit to the rejection before you just let her go for a bit. There are limits, but if/when the child eventually does reach out a good parent will jump on that. Now the child has reached out to the parent and the parent has decided that now is a good time to start being difficult. Which is probably a normal impulse but it is deeply, deeply unhelpful. My way or the highway is not a good tact to take with a child that has already chosen the highway. Edited August 31, 2023 by Heartstrings 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 11 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Agree. Dh went to see his son for a meal or whatever anytime he could. If it seemed better for me to not be there I was glad to step aside. I haven't really experienced hate from my step sons though. So I am sure it would be hard to be the step parent in the family I am talking about. Also the step parent was always very very good to sdd. Steparent definitedly treated sdd as own child. I mean, sometimes you just don't care for someone or you aren't interested in being friends. My dad's current wife is nice, but since we are on wife #5, I don't really want to get invested in the relationship. I'm polite to her; that's my baseline duty. But I don't want to hang out with her more than necessary. I don't want to text with her or chit chat outside of family events we both attend. It's nothing personal; I'm just not interested. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartstrings Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 I'm not sure how the current info jives with these being good parents who just suddenly had a child go off the rails, unless the dad or stepmom has undergone an extreme personality change recently. It seems like there was more going on, maybe attitudes or behaviors that weren't evident from the outside. We only see a tiny sliver of even our very best friends lives after all. You may not have realized how much damage was being done behind closed doors. Frankly, this father sounds like an a$$hat. If this is new behavior he needs a head scan. But I bet this child witnessed and received much a$$hatery behind closed doors that no one ever knew about. 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 12 minutes ago, Catwoman said: I’m not “constantly accusing you of lying.” (Maybe you have a guilty conscience and that’s why it’s making you paranoid? 😉 ) And yes, your story did change. Please tell me how my story changed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 8 minutes ago, Heartstrings said: There are limits, but if/when the child eventually does reach out a good parent will jump on that. Now the child has reached out to the parent and the parent has decided that now is a good time to start being difficult. Which is probably a normal impulse but it is deeply, deeply unhelpful. My way or the highway is not a good tact to take with a child that has already chosen the highway. He never said my way or the highway though. He suggested she come to the house and she never got back to him. But it is true he did not think it was right to go without his wife. I think that was a mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 1 minute ago, Heartstrings said: I'm not sure how the current info jives with these being good parents who just suddenly had a child go off the rails, unless the dad or stepmom has undergone an extreme personality change recently. It seems like there was more going on, maybe attitudes or behaviors that weren't evident from the outside. We only see a tiny sliver of even our very best friends lives after all. You may not have realized how much damage was being done behind closed doors. Frankly, this father sounds like an a$$hat. If this is new behavior he needs a head scan. But I bet this child witnessed and received much a$$hatery behind closed doors that no one ever knew about. This right here. You can only know of someone what they choose to show you. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 2 minutes ago, Heartstrings said: I'm not sure how the current info jives with these being good parents who just suddenly had a child go off the rails, unless the dad or stepmom has undergone an extreme personality change recently. It seems like there was more going on, maybe attitudes or behaviors that weren't evident from the outside. We only see a tiny sliver of even our very best friends lives after all. You may not have realized how much damage was being done behind closed doors. Frankly, this father sounds like an a$$hat. If this is new behavior he needs a head scan. But I bet this child witnessed and received much a$$hatery behind closed doors that no one ever knew about. Well, I do know them really well and I don’t think they were bad people or parents. Normal blended family stuff, but what really changed was the dd. She got a vehicle, with zero restrictions and she began partying. She became alarmingly thin and showed up to their house high several times. Her dad told her not to come to his house high and so she pretty much stopped coming. Her mom on the other hand is the type to post video to social media doing shots with her underage dd. I don’t think the dad or step mom are responding perfectly to all of this. I do think the dad should consider a one on one relationship with her for the short term at least. He has asked to meet with her so maybe she will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartstrings Posted August 31, 2023 Share Posted August 31, 2023 1 minute ago, Scarlett said: He never said my way or the highway though. He suggested she come to the house and she never got back to him. But it is true he did not think it was right to go without his wife. I think that was a mistake. That wasn't exactly clear in the OP, although you clarified it later I see. Charitably, it sounds like he misread the situation and over played his hand. Kids/people like this are skittish. Its HARD on the psyche to reach out to reconnect after an absence, especially if she is embarrased by her behavior. He should have just gone alone with the lunch out idea and just been happy to get that little bit of an opening. He came on too strong and spooked her with his requests. She's retreated again. I hope he learns his lesson and takes a gentler approach next time. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 11 minutes ago, Shoeless said: I mean, sometimes you just don't care for someone or you aren't interested in being friends. My dad's current wife is nice, but since we are on wife #5, I don't really want to get invested in the relationship. I'm polite to her; that's my baseline duty. But I don't want to hang out with her more than necessary. I don't want to text with her or chit chat outside of family events we both attend. It's nothing personal; I'm just not interested. Right, I can understand that. But that is a bit different from being raised in this blended family from age 7 or 8. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 31, 2023 Author Share Posted August 31, 2023 Just now, Heartstrings said: That wasn't exactly clear in the OP, although you clarified it later I see. Charitably, it sounds like he misread the situation and over played his hand. Kids/people like this are skittish. Its HARD on the psyche to reach out to reconnect after an absence, especially if she is embarrased by her behavior. He should have just gone alone with the lunch out idea and just been happy to get that little bit of an opening. He came on too strong and spooked her with his requests. She's retreated again. I hope he learns his lesson and takes a gentler approach next time. I was just trying to sum it up because her lack of response indicated she did not want to come to the house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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