My Thing and Other People Intruding WWYD?

[SHP]

I have my hobbies and interests. I have reached a point in parenting and life where I have more time to devote to am heavily involved in the local clubs and communities for my hobbies and interests. This is something that I do for me, independent of my family. Not that I do not love my family and want to spend time with them, but this is something I want seperate from family. Only my husband and children knew the extent of my passion. I have invited one of the children along once or twice and my husband has joined me for an out of town event related to this. I have even gone so far as to, not so much conceal it from family members, but not mention it and hope they never find out. The thing is very small world in this area, under 50 people actively involved within an hour drive of us. 

Recently, my husband mentioned it to am extended family member I had been avoiding discussing it with. my husband is the enthusiastic about everything type which is great for a supportive spouse, but in this case, something I wish he had refrained from sharing because suddenly the person is interested in the same things.

They are the type who cling to other family members for social and hobbies. I can honestly say I cannot recall them having an independent interest or hobby. Socially, they depend on their children's and grandchildren's friends for social interaction. They have even admitted to stalking their middle aged adult child to try and figure out who they were dating. Unsurprisingly, they are highly controlling. They will not stop until they know all about my thing and the other people involved. I find the person to be exhausting to deal with and I have had to put up boundaries to save my sanity.

I do not want them involved in my thing. 

My autistic self wants to be blunt to the point that it could be considered cruel so they get the point that I nit only do not want them in my thing, but in my life because I am over them and their creepy stalkerish behavior. My social anxiety just wants to move to another state/continent and pick up the hobby there knowing the second I am out of the area the person will drop all interest in it. Since this is not a reasonable option my instinct is to give up my thing until person dies. Yes, until they die. Based on experience, they will not "give up" the interest if I do. They might on the surface, but they will stay in the loop and pounce the second I step back in.

Is their a tactful way of dealing with this type of person?

[TheReader]

So, a friend recently said to me "Love fiercely, but have boundaries like a (insert word here that means fierce, awesome person, but isn't internet-polite and would get bleeped out)" 

Also, my therapist recently told me it's okay to disappoint my children. For conversations not to always be pleasant. For us to say the uncomfortable thing. 

So, taking those two things, how I'd apply that in your situation, were I in a similar one, would be to just say "Relative, I appreciate that you'd like to spend time with me, and I'm flattered. That's so great! BUT, this activity has really been a sort of sanctuary for me, where I get to go and just be ME, not a wife, mother, aunt, niece, grandchild, child, whatever, but just ME.  It's been a really great outlet for alone time, in a sense, even though yes, it involves other people -- it's a time I can be around people without any extra expectations. I really, really value and NEED that at this stage in my life. I know you can understand that, and if it weren't so important to me, I wouldn't ask you to give up this activity, but, I really do need this to remain a thing that I do by myself. I hope you can respect that; maybe we could schedule a (lunch, coffee, movie night, something to appease them)? Would (pick a day) work for you?" 

If you have to get more blunt to get them to stop -- do so. Not rudely, but bluntly if needed. You have my sympathies; I have relatives who are similar. It's hard. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I’d start with a serious heart to heart with your husband about not ever mentioning this outside of the two of you again.

Beyond that, I’m not sure.

[Rosie_0801]

No, there really isn't a tactful way to get what you want from people who lack respect, but you can try a vague

"Oh, I don't have anything to say about that really. It's just a thing I do for a bit of personal space, you know. Love the family, of course, but a woman needs to get out and do her own thing sometimes."

 

[Shoeless]

I'm sorry this happened. I have these sorts of relatives, too. I tell them nothing of my life because the view everything as a group project. I have come to regret adding them on Facebook because they join groups I am in. 

What do you think would work to get them to go away? Non-engagement on the topic? Outright lying? "No, I don't power walk/practice macrame/do Tai Chi. There was a miscommunication. Anyway, the marigolds look nice this year, don't they?"

[Innisfree]

I have a family member who tried to get me to be a friend in a way that I didn’t have the desire or energy or time to go along with. I refrained from being blunt (because less than blunt didn’t work at all) for far too long. I tried to be polite. In the long run, we would probably have a better relationship now if I had just been blunt.

[Clarita]

39 minutes ago, SHP said:

My autistic self wants to be blunt to the point that it could be considered cruel so they get the point that I nit only do not want them in my thing, but in my life because I am over them and their creepy stalkerish behavior.

I think you can be blunt without being a cruel first. When they refuse to hear that or respect that then why not go to a less kind place. 

 Kind of like this but I don't think you need to schedule a time to be with this person if you don't want to.

31 minutes ago, TheReader said:

So, taking those two things, how I'd apply that in your situation, were I in a similar one, would be to just say "Relative, I appreciate that you'd like to spend time with me, and I'm flattered. That's so great! BUT, this activity has really been a sort of sanctuary for me, where I get to go and just be ME, not a wife, mother, aunt, niece, grandchild, child, whatever, but just ME.  It's been a really great outlet for alone time, in a sense, even though yes, it involves other people -- it's a time I can be around people without any extra expectations. I really, really value and NEED that at this stage in my life. I know you can understand that, and if it weren't so important to me, I wouldn't ask you to give up this activity, but, I really do need this to remain a thing that I do by myself. I hope you can respect that; maybe we could schedule a (lunch, coffee, movie night, something to appease them)? Would (pick a day) work for you?" 

I have some abandonment issues so I can be clingy. I try to keep it in check but sometimes I need a blunt "I don't want you here."

[regentrude]

Can you simply reduce interaction with that person?

If not, say "I don't really like to talk about this" and change the topic. Rinse and repeat.

[SKL]

"Actually I am doing that as an escape.  Let's talk about something else!"

"Can't tell you, it would spoil the Christmas surprise."

"Nothing really happening yet, I'll let you know if anything happens that is interesting."

 

[kbutton]

Is this person going to show up at your hobby or just spy on you and pump everyone for information?

If they are just going to pump you for information, then I would tell them you won't talk about it. I like the idea of being nice and then not as much if nice doesn't work.

If they are going to show up...I would insist DH deal with it since he let the horse out of the barn.

The only time I had something like this, it was with in-laws. I told DH to uninvite the person that invited herself. He did. This person has burned all bridges with me, so I didn't care much about fallout. 

[Katy]

The tactful way is to lie. “Oh, I went to a few things but I found it kind of boring. You know DH, he gets over excited about everything. Do you have the recipe for this bean dip?”

Before the lie, tell your DH & kids to NEVER share the secret interest again. 

[fraidycat]

43 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

No, there really isn't a tactful way to get what you want from people who lack respect, but you can try a vague

"Oh, I don't have anything to say about that really. It's just a thing I do for a bit of personal space, you know. Love the family, of course, but a woman needs to get out and do her own thing sometimes."

 

Love this. Short and sweet but gets the point across (hopefully) that it's a ME thing, not a WE thing. If it needs to be more blunt you can use those words.

[BeachGal]

Personally, I would not hesitate to be blunt but I’d try to not be offensive. If pressed or asked, I’d say something like “This is an interest of mine that I’d like to cultivate solely on my own.” Or, “No, I’m not comfortable discussing my interest with you.”  “No, I do not want to do my hobby with you.” I am actually like this irl.

[KungFuPanda]

“I’m trying to avoid being one of those middle-aged women who can’t have a life apart from her family. If any family members joined I’d stop going and have to try something else.”

[wintermom]

That has got to be annoying. Sorry you have to deal with this. 

I've been fortunate enough to not have a relative or friend like this. My gut instinct is that the more you try to hide or deny this, the more curious and exciting it will become for her. I would simple take a break from doing this activity for a while, and then resume when a different thing catches this person's interest. 

And, for sure I would warn your family (i.e., your dh) to shut the blank up about your activities with this weirdo woman. 

[easypeasy]

Be blunt. It's the only way and will save the both of you a ton of time and grief in the long run. BTDT, have the t-shirt to prove it. 🤠

You've gotten a ton of great suggestions above.

Love that your husband is supportive, though!!! ♥

[KungFuPanda]

Can your “supportive” husband have the conversation and fix this?

[SHP]

16 hours ago, regentrude said:

Can you simply reduce interaction with that person?

If not, say "I don't really like to talk about this" and change the topic. Rinse and repeat.

I have reduced interaction to only major family things like graduations, and milestone birthdays. I am unsure if this makes it better or worse. It is better for me and my sanity, but likely worse in that they have less information and are more obsessed.

16 hours ago, Shoeless said:

What do you think would work to get them to go away? Non-engagement on the topic? Outright lying? "No, I don't power walk/practice macrame/do Tai Chi. There was a miscommunication. Anyway, the marigolds look nice this year, don't they?"

We are past the outright lying point, sadly. I think the only way to get them to go away is a blunt "I do not want you here, please leave." And when/if they do not start leaving I start at them with all those things that have been caught in my filter.

I should stick with what KungFuPanda said below if they mention attending a meeting and remind my husband that I don't want them to be involved in my thing.

16 hours ago, kbutton said:

Is this person going to show up at your hobby or just spy on you and pump everyone for information?

If they are just going to pump you for information, then I would tell them you won't talk about it. I like the idea of being nice and then not as much if nice doesn't work.

If they are going to show up...I would insist DH deal with it since he let the horse out of the barn.

The only time I had something like this, it was with in-laws. I told DH to uninvite the person that invited herself. He did. This person has burned all bridges with me, so I didn't care much about fallout. 

I think they will show up and try to get information about me. It isn't about the hobby, that can be done independently of any group involvement. It is about gaining access to and information about me.

15 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

“I’m trying to avoid being one of those middle-aged women who can’t have a life apart from her family. If any family members joined I’d stop going and have to try something else.”

I love this in every way possible and may use it.

9 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Can your “supportive” husband have the conversation and fix this?

I have asked him to do this. 

[wintermom]

8 minutes ago, SHP said:

I think they will show up and try to get information about me. It isn't about the hobby, that can be done independently of any group involvement. It is about gaining access to and information about me.

 

You could have some fun creating a special online identity of yourself entirely for this person. You dh could assist in this, as a way to help distract this person from the real you (and hopefully amuse yourselves). We used to do a little of this in the old-school methods we had back in the olden days. You already highly suspect she's dying to know more, so give her more - but you get to control the content.

[SHP]

15 minutes ago, wintermom said:

You could have some fun creating a special online identity of yourself entirely for this person. You dh could assist in this, as a way to help distract this person from the real you (and hopefully amuse yourselves). We used to do a little of this in the old-school methods we had back in the olden days. You already highly suspect she's dying to know more, so give her more - but you get to control the content.

Hmm I like this

[HomeAgain]

I'd make the hobby sound as unappealing as possible.

Yoga?  Now it's naked yoga.

Leatherworking? Bondage materials.

Singing?  Tibetan monk chants.

Knitting?  Specialize in underwear. Even better if you make matching spouse sets.

Writing?  Twilight fan fiction. 

Cooking? Vegan-gluten free-raw food

 

Find an aspect of your hobby you can enthusiastically make sound terrible and you like a lunatic.

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, SHP said:

I think they will show up and try to get information about me. It isn't about the hobby, that can be done independently of any group involvement. It is about gaining access to and information about me.

What information can they hope to gain by doing this? 

[annandatje]

If this hobby group is open to public, how can you stop the relative from going or joining ?

Sounds very frustrating.

[SHP]

20 minutes ago, regentrude said:

What information can they hope to gain by doing this? 

Who is in the group. Based on past behavior they will then attempt to befriend them and become a part of their social circle and ingrain themselves deeply.

Knowledge about my skills and involvement level. While this seems trivial those in this hobby help each other out extensively, each bringing a specific skill set and teaching others. It is expected and part of the culture.

Access to my home or setting it up so we are expected to go to theirs since meetings are held at member homes. I do not want to go to their house and I do not want them in mine. My house is my sanctuary. 

Access to me and my family (when they attend). Joining gives them more opportunity to be in contact with me. I limit contact with them and do not desire more. They want more. 

 

 

[SHP]

Just now, annandatje said:

If this hobby group is open to public, how can you stop the relative from going or joining ?

Sounds very frustrating.

It is open to the public and there is nothing I can do to stop them from joining. This is why I didn't want them to know anything about my hobby. 

I put the husband on the task of intervening and making it clear I do not want them. I can also communicate this to them, but they can choose to join and attend anyway. 

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, SHP said:

It is open to the public and there is nothing I can do to stop them from joining. This is why I didn't want them to know anything about my hobby. 

I put the husband on the task of intervening and making it clear I do not want them. I can also communicate this to them, but they can choose to join and attend anyway. 

Are you friendly enough with the other members of the group to warn them about this person?

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, SHP said:

It is open to the public and there is nothing I can do to stop them from joining. This is why I didn't want them to know anything about my hobby. 

I put the husband on the task of intervening and making it clear I do not want them. I can also communicate this to them, but they can choose to join and attend anyway. 

I'm so sorry; this is so unfair. Is there any way that your group would be able to help you out with this? Surely there is precedent. 

[pinball]

What’s THE THING?

[Catwoman]

9 minutes ago, pinball said:

What’s THE THING?

I was wondering when someone would ask! 🤣

I would love to know, too -- even a little hint would be nice.

(Obviously, SHP doesn't have to tell us, but I have to admit that I am incredibly curious!)

[Ginevra]

23 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

No, there really isn't a tactful way to get what you want from people who lack respect, but you can try a vague

"Oh, I don't have anything to say about that really. It's just a thing I do for a bit of personal space, you know. Love the family, of course, but a woman needs to get out and do her own thing sometimes."

 

Yup. 
 

I did have someone who tried to barge into my hobby and I just hedged indefinitely until she buggered off. I said things like, “Oh, you know, I really just do X alone; I’m very private about that…” and “Honestly, once the week-end rolls around, I just need to circle my nest and do my thingy alone.” I also directed the pest back onto something I know she likes to do, as in, “You would probably get more out of your bingo club friends; you seem to like that a lot.” 

[SHP]

3 hours ago, pinball said:

What’s THE THING?

 

3 hours ago, Catwoman said:

I was wondering when someone would ask! 🤣

I would love to know, too -- even a little hint would be nice.

(Obviously, SHP doesn't have to tell us, but I have to admit that I am incredibly curious!)

If THE THING wasn't so uncommon as to be identifying I would share. 

I did mention on the other hobby thread that I enjoy hardscaping, so you have a clue with that. Sort of. Not really. 

[SHP]

4 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Are you friendly enough with the other members of the group to warn them about this person?

 

4 hours ago, kbutton said:

I'm so sorry; this is so unfair. Is there any way that your group would be able to help you out with this? Surely there is precedent. 

I am not sure I am comfortable with this. If the person posed a personal safety risk to myself or other's I wouldn't hesitate at all. Despite creepy stalkerish behavior and a clear lack of boundaries they are not doing anything illegal.

 

[Catwoman]

12 minutes ago, SHP said:

 

I am not sure I am comfortable with this. If the person posed a personal safety risk to myself or other's I wouldn't hesitate at all. Despite creepy stalkerish behavior and a clear lack of boundaries they are not doing anything illegal.

 

The behavior doesn't have to be illegal to be creepy and stalkerish, and this person could very easily get obsessed with someone else in the group. Personally, if I was a member of your group, I would want to know what's going on.

[easypeasy]

12 hours ago, SHP said:

I think they will show up and try to get information about me. It isn't about the hobby, that can be done independently of any group involvement. It is about gaining access to and information about me.

Oh, hon. If that's what this person will do, then be blunter-than-blunt about it. I like the above suggestion to say you're trying to avoid being the mom who does everything with a family member around - but if they don't take the hint, don't let them near your precious THING (whatever it may be, lol).

I thought the person would just sort of kill your buzz by being there - but if they are this type of person, protect your space at all costs.

I did not in my own life because I didn't see it coming. Man, that price was STEEP. 🫤 I defend against those types vigorously now (and that person was "excommunicated" from our life for years before we let them back in with baby steps - they still only have micro-access to our lives and their relationship with my kids will never be repaired bc the kids saw the damage/after-effects of that person's actions)

[Shoeless]

4 hours ago, SHP said:

 

I am not sure I am comfortable with this. If the person posed a personal safety risk to myself or other's I wouldn't hesitate at all. Despite creepy stalkerish behavior and a clear lack of boundaries they are not doing anything illegal.

 

If I was running a hobby group that involved members hosting meetings in their homes, I would 100% want to know about potential members with creepy stalkerish behavior.