I think I made a mistake

[itsheresomewhere]

You did not cause his stroke.  It would have happened no matter what. It is time to stop disliking yourself so much you blame what happens to others on yourself.  

[Terabith]

You have some concerning delusions about causing his stroke and also needing to hide things like food.  I mean, five pounds?  Not a big deal.  Donuts?  Not something that need to be hidden.  But I think it probably would be helpful if you could reflect on why you feel that need.  

And wanting your children to be happy and fulfilled is a big want.  Of course you want that!  We all want that for our children.  But what do you want RIGHT NOW?  Something small.  

Call a friend and set up a date to go to dinner.  Or an exercise class.  Or take a walk.  Or a movie.  Go to choir practice at church.  Just do SOMETHING.  

[freesia]

22 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I am an extrovert.  I actually love mission trips and love our RV trips.  I do love them.  I actually sleep 8 hours or more a night on them rather than 4 or so here at home.

He HAS to travel to keep up his surgical skills.  He is disabled and NOT able to work a regular job here.  He can handle working a month at a time or less at easier schedules.  That is not possible for him in a regular job in his profession.  He needs to work. 

But you don’t want him to. It’s okay to admit it. You don’t like how disruptive it is. That’s ok. 

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

I am saying this very gently and with concern: you often tell us why what you want to do is impossible. You see only the obstacles.
There is no reason you cannot write, or have a writing group, when there are exchange students and VSB - neither of those take up all your waking hours. People who work full-time jobs manage to write and meet with other writers. 
There is no need to have your "ultimate" schedule. That seems to be a tenor throughout your posts: because your daily life changes so much, you cannot have a set-in-stone routine, so you cannot do the thing at all. You don't need an ultimate schedule. You just need to carve out the time to do the thing you want to do. If this week the time is at 8pm, and another week it is Monday and Wednesday at 6am, and in yet another week you can only manage 2pm on days where it doesn't rain - all of that is better than saying "can't".

 

Yeah, this. 

All of what you've said in this thread. 

Obsessing about routines - pff! 

Just write. Nobody needs routines to write.

Write because it's satisfying, and you lose yourself in the flow. That means you make time for it, like you would any other meaningful activity, regardless of the day's routine or lack thereof. 

If it's not satisfying and is in fact a burden, stop! Nobody has to write in their leisure time. 

 

 

[Melissa Louise]

OP, have you thought about getting an in person  paid job, part or full time? 

Here's what paid work is good for, in my experience:

gives your brain a break from constant rumination 

exposes you to regular, structured social interaction

is often predictable and full of routines, which can be soothing

can give a sense of value

provides challenges to overcome and resulting sense of achievement

makes a contrast between work and leisure, and brings a great appreciation for one's leisure time

~

Getting a job won't fix your mental health issues, but you've stated you're not interested in doing that. It can ameliorate things a little, however. 

 

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

The thing is I have NO control over any of those wants, so there is no use in wanting them.

But also, these are wants for other people! 

What do YOU want for YOU? 

Look, it's taken me four years in therapy to want anything, so I'm not judging. For context, the first time I was able to want something just for me was a flipping chicken wrap I ordered on Uber. I am not shouting from.my high horse here. I am very bad at all this stuff but I am trying, and getting better. 

But really, it's a problem not to know what you want for yourself. It's a huge life problem either not to know, or know but be too scared to say. 

This is a good problem to work on. It's solveable. People can go from not knowing (or not being allowed to know) what they want, to knowing. 

Knowing what you want lets you spend time in ways that feel good to you. 

So in the three weeks you have, ditch the writing, because that seems joyless, and give yourself the challenge of fully engaging in a thing you want for you. Even if it's just a fancy sandwich..

 

[freesia]

7 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

OP, have you thought about getting an in person  paid job, part or full time? 

Here's what paid work is good for, in my experience:

gives your brain a break from constant rumination 

exposes you to regular, structured social interaction

is often predictable and full of routines, which can be soothing

can give a sense of value

provides challenges to overcome and resulting sense of achievement

makes a contrast between work and leisure, and brings a great appreciation for one's leisure time

~

Getting a job won't fix your mental health issues, but you've stated you're not interested in doing that. It can ameliorate things a little, however. 

 

I have been thinking the same thing, OP. It may be worth a trial. Honestly, despite all the things you could do, you sound bored. I cover the church office sometimes in the summer and, even though office work isn’t my thing, I get a rush from the experience. 

[PeterPan]

If you go take a cruise (which you can easily do from Texas), you'll break your attachment to the board, get some rest, lose weight (with all the walking and swimming, I always do), and pass the time. If you fly over to Africa to cruise, you can pass the time happily and then show up where he is. I missed what country he's in, but MSC has cruises from South Africa that will speak english and be quite affordable. Nothing says you have to go to Africa and actually hang there. 

When the answer is no longer ice cream or chocolate, the answer is cruising. Just saying.

[Melissa Louise]

Anyway, I think you need to remember, OP, when you flip to 'feeling fine' mode that the people in this thread trying (again) to help you help yourself are real people, not avatars.

If you can't action any of the very excellent advice and, frankly, free therapeutic guidance you get here, for yourself, do it for the people who are kindly and patiently giving you fresh and hopeful ways to look at your thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

 

Edited July 3, 2023 by Melissa Louise

[regentrude]

32 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

OP, have you thought about getting an in person  paid job, part or full time? 

People here have suggested that before in similar threads (for all the reasons you mention), and the OP came back with her list of BUTs why that would be completely impossible for her: but Africa, but RV trips, but all the travel...

[Pam in CT]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

How can you expect to enjoy spending time with loved ones when you turn it into a huge masking experience?

You can't win if you're cheating.

As always:

Rosie.

[Grace Hopper]

13 minutes ago, regentrude said:

People here have suggested that before in similar threads (for all the reasons you mention), and the OP came back with her list of BUTs why that would be completely impossible for her: but Africa, but RV trips, but all the travel...

It always reverts to virtue signaling and now, self-blame. 
 

OP, I’m going to bow out now because I do believe you could benefit from working with a professional psychologist, one that you are willing to be entirely open with, and that no suggestions here (on these easily dismissible forums) will be adequate or accepted as such.
 

I really do wish you the best and want to encourage you that you do possess the power and freedom to seek the level of help you need, whether or not you choose to believe that about yourself. 

[TexasProud]

2 hours ago, Terabith said:

.  But what do you want RIGHT NOW?  Something small.  

Call a friend and set up a date to go to dinner.  Or an exercise class.  Or take a walk.  Or a movie.  Go to choir practice at church.  Just do SOMETHING.  

Well, I went to pick up the girls.  I just fed them.  I have to take them back. I did go for a walk this morning.  I sing in praise team ( choir is off for the summer). 

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Melissa Louise said:

 

So in the three weeks you have, ditch the writing, because that seems joyless, and give yourself the challenge of fully engaging in a thing you want for you. Even if it's just a fancy sandwich..

 

Sigh, but it isn't joyless.  I went to seminary and fell in love with the creative writing class.  It is why I started doing all this.  My husband has been so supportive.  I thought it is what I want to do.  Still may be.  I am probably scared to death of failing.  I just paid the money to file the paperwork to form it as a business.  I am a DBA and I have an EIN and the whole nine yards and I am sure that is why I am freaking out now.  But I did it because I wanted to.  I have done music and this was a chance to find my voice.  My writing is pretty gut level vulnerable if you want to know the truth.  At least some of it is.  I have written a lot about lament and grief.  I do enjoy it.  But yeah, as someone said, I just want people to think it is wonderful and once you put it out there, they may legitimately say it sucks. My husband proofs all my stuff so yeah he knows a lot about what I think in some ways because of that.  I don't tell him, but he reads it. 

[Clarita]

@TexasProudThe next time you want to try some sort of therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist think about seeing if you have bipolar instead of depression. Reading through this thread my completely non-expert view (I just have a friend), I think bipolar may be what you have instead of depression. Knowing that may help you more on that journey when you are ready.

According to my friend bipolar does get misdiagnosed as depression, because many people feel like the manic episodes are normal and good. Even to a lot of professionals the manic episodes seem like those are the times you just aren't depressed or feeling bad.

When you are ready to take this step it shouldn't matter that you know the "right" answers to say to the professional, because you would be interested in giving them the answers that get you the help you need.   

[Melissa Louise]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Sigh, but it isn't joyless.  I went to seminary and fell in love with the creative writing class.  It is why I started doing all this.  My husband has been so supportive.  I thought it is what I want to do.  Still may be.  I am probably scared to death of failing.  I just paid the money to file the paperwork to form it as a business.  I am a DBA and I have an EIN and the whole nine yards and I am sure that is why I am freaking out now.  But I did it because I wanted to.  I have done music and this was a chance to find my voice.  My writing is pretty gut level vulnerable if you want to know the truth.  At least some of it is.  I have written a lot about lament and grief.  I do enjoy it.  But yeah, as someone said, I just want people to think it is wonderful and once you put it out there, they may legitimately say it sucks. My husband proofs all my stuff so yeah he knows a lot about what I think in some ways because of that.  I don't tell him, but he reads it. 

Well, not everyone will think it is wonderful. There is a lot of failure in putting your work out there. That's something you just have to accept if you want to write for an audience. 

I am confused about why your writing is a business. I am sure there is a reason for that but I am not familiar with writers setting up businesses to write (to teach, yes). 

If it's joyful, just do it. I mean, literally, just sit down and write. Or stand up and write. Or dictate into your phone. 

You've got three weeks to do nothing but write and clean, is that correct? I have two weeks off work to write and cook and clean. So I am writing and cooking and cleaning. What is stopping you from writing and cleaning, with some lazy time on social media and some snacks? In truth, nothing. 

It helps to separate out the process. Writing is different to editing is different to sending out is different to the reception it receives out in the world.

There is much to be gained from a writing practice that doesn't even get to the editing part! Have you ever looked at books on therapeutic writing?

Could you join a writing group? If there isn't one, start one. I literally just started my own this month, because the one I wanted to go to was closed to new members. 

Look, I have some sympathy because I had to work through a lot of this stuff in therapy before I could even begin writing again.

But I mean, in the end, life is short and if you want anything out of it, you need to find a way to get out of the loops. I am not aware of a way to do that, that doesn't involve therapy with a good therapist - not flipping better help, which is really not suitable for entrenched personality stuff. However, perhaps there is something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Melissa Louise]

21 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Well, I went to pick up the girls.  I just fed them.  I have to take them back. I did go for a walk this morning.  I sing in praise team ( choir is off for the summer). 

Those are things you do.

What is something you WANT?

Like, right now, I can think that I want a croissant, I want to wear my purple jeans today, I want to read in bed, I want to make a cup of tea, I want to go for a walk, I want to buy a coffee, I want to watch more TV with my friend later, I want another pair of flannel pjs, I want to tell work to f off, I want to bake something, I want to bake bread, which I haven't done in a long time, I want to box up dd's books which are still at my place, I want to watch some music videos. I want to set a date for moving out, I want to have a place where I can invite friends for dinner, I want to send out more work today, I want to meet someone new, I want to go to Japan.

Am I going to do all those things?

No. But it's good to know what you want. Because it gets you in touch with your desires, your motivations, your body, and your needs - all things that feed the self and the writing. 

Maybe you should write a list poem of things you want. 

Or write about not wanting, or not knowing what you want.

Or write about how you want everyone to think your writing is wonderful.

Or write about not wanting to fail.

Or write about spending six weeks eating junk on the sofa while on WTM.

I mean, it's all grist.

It doesn't need to be this painful.

 

 

[regentrude]

32 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 I am probably scared to death of failing.  I just paid the money to file the paperwork to form it as a business.  I am a DBA and I have an EIN and the whole nine yards and I am sure that is why I am freaking out now.  But I did it because I wanted to.  I have done music and this was a chance to find my voice.  My writing is pretty gut level vulnerable if you want to know the truth.  At least some of it is.  I have written a lot about lament and grief.  I do enjoy it.  But yeah, as someone said, I just want people to think it is wonderful and once you put it out there, they may legitimately say it sucks. 

Perhaps you are putting the cart before the horse? The business has nothing to do with the writing itself. Selling, publishing, giving readings - none of that is necessary to being a writer.

What dies "failing" mean to you? How would you fail as a writer, as long as you keep writing?

You have written before how you hate marketing your work. So just don't. Send it out into the world if you want, but don't chase the monetary reward if that takes the joy away. Having a business does not legitimize you anymore as a writer than simply - writing. It doesn't signal that you're serious anymore than creating good work.

Not everyone will find your writing wonderful. Not everyone will relate to it. But if you reach a handful of people, that is enough.

 

Edited July 4, 2023 by regentrude

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, regentrude said:

Perhaps you are putting the cart before the horse? The business has nothing to do with the writing itself. Selling, publishing, giving readings - none of that is necessary to being a writer.

You have written before how you hate marketing your work. So just don't. Send it out into the world if you want, but don't chase the monetary reward if that takes the joy away. Having a business does not legitimize you anymore as a writer than simply - writing. It doesn't signal that you're serious anymore than creating good work.

 

A hundred times this!

The only thing that makes a writer is that someone writes.

 

[Not_a_Number]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I have had 4 different therapists and yes, one came from better help.  Everytime the board has suggested it, I have eventually gone.  No help whatsoever. The best help I have gotten has been from my spiritual director, to be honest.

It isn't that I am NOT honest.  It is hard to explain.  But like today, I woke up knowing it was a bad day and thinking about the board. I just wake up that way some days.   But then, on the day I go to the therapist, I am fine.  I can "be honest" but I am in such a better place that they think and I probably am fine.  I have a ton of head knowlege.  I am currently reading The Body Keeps Score. 

I think you'd need to be vulnerable with your therapist. 

Here's an idea. Go to the therapist and READ them the posts you've written on here. You don't have to be in a different headspace right then. But it would be good for your therapist to know that sometimes you feel like this. 

Frankly, I would guess that when you're with another person, it doesn't feel natural for you to be vulnerable. I understand how that goes. I have the same impulse to share more online than in person because I don't see the other person's reaction the same way. I get it. 

[regentrude]

What may possibly help you feeling successful as a writer aside from selling your work is creating *community* with other writers. I find it highly rewarding to serve the community in various ways:

I attend several reading series in the area and support the people who read by listening and sharing my own work. I have founded a monthly poetry series in my town, invite established or emerging writers as featured readers and host an open mic for anybody in the community who wants to share. Come fall, I will offer creative writing workshops on my campus every other week. I write book reviews for folks who have new books out, and I serve as associate editor/reader for two magazines. In the next months, I will give readings at the public libraries in three towns in my region.

All of these are ways in addition to the actual writing that make me feel part of a community. None of it has anything to do with marketing or selling.

These are just some ideas, perhaps something speaks to you.

Edited July 4, 2023 by regentrude

[SKL]

Like another pp said, bipolar struck me as a possibility.  This thread went from "I suck and there is no joy in the world" to "I do find joy in what I do!  I do meaningful things!"

Have you ever tried just sloppily writing whatever you are feeling at different times of a day like today?  (Well, kinda like what you did here, but without the anonymity part.)  Just write it without thinking about the past or the future, or about what others will think.  Don't edit it at all.  Look at it later when you're feeling more mellow, and consider showing it to a professional.

As for writing as a business ... that's great, but just assume that you can't please everyone, and some days you won't please anyone.

[marbel]

Is this a good time to suggest OP read/do The Artist's Way?  I'm actually a bit surprised it hasn't come up. I've read some of it and did morning pages for a while, but I never got really into it because, frankly, I'm not an artist in any sense of the word and that is fine. But, a writer is an artist. I suppose it might also be helpful for someone trying to figure out what they want. 

@TexasProud, I thought I was kinda done with this thread but I'm wondering why you set up a business for writing? Did someone tell you that you needed to do that in order to be a "real" writer? Just curious, obviously you don't have to answer. 

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Not sure I understand how to pick.  I have no clue what I want...  Well, what I want is for my children to be happy, healthy, with productive purposes and healthy relationships to God and to other people.  I want my husband to not have migrains 24/7, to relax ( we have a current legal thing going on and I am getting deja vu.  The last one (totally different legal issue) was the other half of what caused the stroke ( other than my actions of course). I want for my church to be at peace and unified.  I want my best friend not to be a scapegoat anymore and for church to be a safe place for her. I want to enjoy spending time with my loved ones.  I do want that. 

Once again for emphasis YOU did not cause your husband’s medical crisis.  No matter how many times you say it. Does your husband blame you?

Does your husband judge you for eating junk food?

Is he an abusive jerk or are you having trouble dealing with reality and with your own choices?

[Scarlett]

34 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I think you'd need to be vulnerable with your therapist. 

Here's an idea. Go to the therapist and READ them the posts you've written on here. You don't have to be in a different headspace right then. But it would be good for your therapist to know that sometimes you feel like this. 

Frankly, I would guess that when you're with another person, it doesn't feel natural for you to be vulnerable. I understand how that goes. I have the same impulse to share more online than in person because I don't see the other person's reaction the same way. I get it. 

I have suggested the same thing to her many many times.  

[Scarlett]

This whole thing of not knowing what you want reminds me of my ds22.  I think he is better now but we went through years of me gently ( sometimes less gently than others) pressing him about what HE wanted.  
 

One particular time when he was about 15….he was at our house for the summer.  He was out in the shop doing woodworking.  The schedule was at 6 we would take him 45 min away and meet up with his mom so he could visit her for the weekend.  But about noon his step dad called him and said he was working a job near out house and wanted to pick ds up like at 2.  And ds would be stuck going from job site to job site the rest of the day.  So he comes in and tells me this plan.  He told it to me as if a problem had been solved.  I said, ‘ do you WANT to go with him at 2?’  He said, ‘well it would just be easier on everyone.’  ‘I said, that wasn’t the question.’ 
 

We did different versions of that for about another 20 sentences and finally I said, ‘stop for a second and use your imagination. Do you want to spent your afternoon working on your woodworking or do you want to spend it driving home around job sites?  He paused and very quietly said, ‘ Do my woodworking.’  I said, ‘ ok then. Thank you.  Let me call your dad so he can tell your mom we will stick to the 6 pm plan.”

I told him, ‘ you may not always get your way, because life. But it is very important to know what YOU want. ‘

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

 ‘ you may not always get your way, because life. But it is very important to know what YOU want. ‘

I'll just extend this and suggest that people who have self awareness weaknesses, due to neurology, due to trauma, whatever, might be a lot slower on the realizing what they want and feel thing. I would suggest this is part of what people are noticing causing them to suggest op spend some more time with a counselor. Op could figure out *why* she's not quite in touch with what makes her feel good and what she wants. It could be due to neurology, trauma, anything. Some counselors are more informed than others on these issues, but there is plenty out there about doing mindfulness, dealing with trauma, etc. 

One of the most radical things for me, when I got counseling for the trauma (that I didn't identify as trauma because it was just how my life had been growing up) was eventually becoming more aware of what I like, what I want, what makes me happy. It totally changed my life, even my house decorating. Now I travel, volunteer, and do all sorts of odd quirky things because I know what makes me happy. I know (most of the time, if I slow down and work on it) how I FEEL. Some people have to work on that a bit extra due to neurology or experiences and the right counselor can be really good for that.

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Is he an abusive jerk or are you having trouble dealing with reality and with your own choices?

Trauma is such a complex thing. I was not really informed on it till someone said you MUST go in and talk with them. People can have all sorts of things in their closets, stored sensory memories from way back that affect how they process things now. You can have predeclarative memory experiences that your body remembers that affect how you process things 30, 40 years later. 

I don't know why I'm going on about that. I have no clue what is in op's closet and how she got to where she is. I'm just saying sometimes when people dig and start learning with the right person they get surprised. I had been *told* the stories of the dangerous behavior I was surrounded by as a child, but I had NO CLUE the effects it was having on me as an adult or that that could even happen. I could imagine situations where other people where never told, where the assumption was to hide it and it would go away. Lots of things get stuffed in life.

The one good thing is, it's getting easier to get body aware care, whatever the cause is. 

[LaughingCat]

Personally, I have to make myself do almost everything  -- my life is all about finding ways to trick myself into doing all the things I've set for myself, including many things I enjoy quite a lot.   But not due to a joyless existence or depression -- I just have trouble getting started.

For me, the best way is to make the thing I have decided I want to be doing very easy to do and with as few 'rules' around it as possible.  I also have to work to make certain things harder and with more rules around them -- certain sites (including this one) and certain apps -- otherwise I can easily waste all day on stuff like that. It sounds to me like you're making the sites/apps/reading the easy thing to do and the writing the hard thing with many rules (can only do it if everything aligns just right).

(also I really disagree with the 'if you aren't feeling joy you shouldn't be doing this at all' advice that several people gave -- but that is a post for another day lol )

[Melissa Louise]

There are many things we have to do in life, regardless of the joy quotient. Our creative hobbies, otoh, need to bring us something pleasurable, otherwise why do them?

[Starr]

For the short term answer ,if you are so miserable at home but sleep well and enjoy mission trips why don’t you just go. 

[LaughingCat]

52 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

There are many things we have to do in life, regardless of the joy quotient. Our creative hobbies, otoh, need to bring us something pleasurable, otherwise why do them?

I agree that there needs to be something calling you to a particular creative activity over others-- but I don't agree that it needs to be joy or pleasure.

[Melissa Louise]

13 minutes ago, LaughingCat said:

I agree that there needs to be something calling you to a particular creative activity over others-- but I don't agree that it needs to be joy or pleasure.

If it's not in the pleasure family (satisfaction, flow, competence, enjoyment, healthy challenge) at least some of the time then I honestly don't know what the point is. 

[TexasProud]

Guys, Ok. fine I will try another counselor.  And Scarlett, the last one I did read from posts here.  I think I have talked about it before but I talk for 55 minutes and then she gave me some silly meditation technique ( which I already knew about and already did) Many of them seem lost.  In fact, the last one I think I made somewhat depressed from what I told her.. she kinda seemed at a loss. 

My spiritual director has been the most helpful.  I always feel so hopeful when we finish.  One thing we have worked on is the word and.  I am not bipolar guys.  I asked the psych when I had one a long time ago, my husband, my best friend and a couple of the counselors.  They all said emphatically no.  I feel a lot and I am sure part of it is not being allowed to display the feelings.  I described it to my husband and a couple of my therapists like he is that calm, still pond in our woods and I am one of those pools in Yellowstone that looks placid, but really has volcanic vents and poisonous gas and such. Anyway, and has been a good word she has me use.  I enjoy writing and like figuring out what I think when I do it and playing with words AND I find it frustrating and hard.  I want to go to Africa because I love the people and find the work rewarding AND I miss my community at home, especially when the church is blowing up and my best friend is suffering and I can't help her from halfway around the world.  It can be and is both. 

[Rosie_0801]

14 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

  I feel a lot and I am sure part of it is not being allowed to display the feelings. 

What have the therapists said about this?

[TexasProud]

9 hours ago, SKL said:

 

Have you ever tried just sloppily writing whatever you are feeling at different times of a day like today?  (Well, kinda like what you did here, but without the anonymity part.)  Just write it without thinking about the past or the future, or about what others will think.  Don't edit it at all.  Look at it later when you're feeling more mellow, and consider showing it to a professional.

 

8 hours ago, marbel said:

Is this a good time to suggest OP read/do The Artist's Way?  I'm actually a bit surprised it hasn't come up. I've read some of it and did morning pages for a while, but I never got really into it because, frankly, I'm not an artist in any sense of the word and that is fine. But, a writer is an artist. I suppose it might also be helpful for someone trying to figure out what they want. 

@TexasProud, I thought I was kinda done with this thread but I'm wondering why you set up a business for writing? Did someone tell you that you needed to do that in order to be a "real" writer? Just curious, obviously you don't have to answer. 

Yes, I have the ARtist's way and her other latest book.  I have journals from 7th grade and probably 50 or more notebooks ( or I did)  I recently went through and threw away a lot of them so people wouldn't be hurt by what I wrote and kids wouldn't be surprised at what they found.  They are in tupperware boxes. 

The business thing feels like  When You Give a Mouse a Cookie.  Although Regentetude says I can do it for cheaper, I do not know how. My various domain names are costing me 60 bucks a year. Hosting my website costs nearly 300 a year.  Podcasting is 12 dollars a month.  Mailer Lite 108 dollars a year.  I also have subscriptions to Canva and Cyberdirector, though I do a lot of different projects that are ministry related with them as well.  Anyway, I have written a devotional.  I have ideas for a series of them.  I am also writing an advent devotion for those who are grieving. I actually did it with women at my church last year, wrote it as I went for them.  And yes, as people mentioned it was something I HAD to do, couldn't help myself from writing.  Since then I have gone through and reorganized it, put it in chronological order which meant fixing some of the themes and making it a 5 day a week instead of 4.  I am in the midst of editing/rewriting/writing it.  I want to make it available in audio form this year and then give it to an editor maybe and then self-publish it.  I don't want to make a fortune.  I just want to pay my expenses and maybe make 5,000 total a year ( I would give away half of my profits after paying expenses.)

So, I thought I would add the subscription button to Substack or do a buy me a cup of coffee or whatever.  Well, it turns out to use STripe or any of the other commerce sites you need to have a tax number.  Getting a federal tax number was easy..  However, for the State of Texas Comptroller, first you have to go to your county and file either a DBA or LLC.  With that in hand you must then open a business checking account with your bank. Then with all of those numbers you go online and fill out the permit to charge sales tax.  I did that and heard nothing.  I called the other day...I had done something wrong but no one had contacted me, so I had to completely resubmit a brand new form ( why they could not go in and change the one thing I don't understand).  But now getting stuff to talk to each other... UGH..  I just wanted the equivalent of a tip jar. A give something if you want to support my work.  

I don't want to be a drain on family finances.  I want to pay my way. 

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

What have the therapists said about this?

Not much.  AS I said, I feel like I monopolize the conversation.  The last one would look at her watch and say, "Oh wow, we are out of time, here ( dig in her purse) is a meditation technique.)

[Melissa Louise]

Have you seen a licensed, clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy or a social worker trained in therapy? 

Because these 'therapists' sound crappy and not much like therapists..

[Rosie_0801]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Not much.  AS I said, I feel like I monopolize the conversation.  The last one would look at her watch and say, "Oh wow, we are out of time, here ( dig in her purse) is a meditation technique.)

Well, she sounds lazy. I've seen better advice on FB memes.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

Have you seen a licensed, clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy or a social worker trained in therapy? 

Because these 'therapists' sound crappy and not much like therapists..

I saw a psychiatrist in 2014-2015 when the Lexapro made me suicidal. (Which my family doc prescribed after I went to him when the board told me to and told him how I felt) Psych is the one who did the genetic testing and found it was the WORST one you could give me. He put me on Prestiq for a year and then weaned me off of it.  I was working/teaching and doing great.  But he also sent me to the licensed therapist who yes, I told how I felt like it was my fault about my husband's stroke.  When I went into the reasons why, she said, "Wow, that is really difficult.  Have you prayed about it?"   No lady... Of course I have prayed.  She gave me NO techniques but gave me a book about how God uses all things for good. Yes she had all the letters behind her name to be a therapist. I  honestly didn't have respect for her after that. I wanted tools and techniques.  

[maize]

@TexasProud the expenses you posted are pretty insignificant based on what I know of your family financial status. If you are stressing over spending that money, I think you will be mentally happier and healthier if you can let go of that stress.

It is really and truly OK if your writing results in more money spent than brought in. Especially where you are writing things in the hope of ministering to others. Like the Africa trip, true ministering consumes resources rather than producing them; what is produced is benefit to human lives, which is worth so much more than money.

You are in the wonderful position of having the funds available to minister to others. You do not need to complicate that by trying to turn ministering into a financially productive business.

Not everything in life needs to follow a capitalistic model.

Edited July 4, 2023 by maize

[maize]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 I wanted tools and techniques.  

Maybe look for a therapist with DBT experience. Any cognitive behavioral therapy ought to focus on tools and techniques, but DBT is a pretty structured and focused framework for that.

It often takes trying several therapists to find one of the genuinely good ones. I'm searching for someone new for myself--I tried two sessions with one person and they were just meh so I'm going to look elsewhere. 

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, maize said:

Maybe look for a therapist with DBT experience. Any cognitive behavioral therapy ought to focus on tools and techniques, but DBT is a pretty structured and focused framework for that.

It often takes trying several therapists to find one of the genuinely good ones. I'm searching for someone new for myself--I tried two sessions with one person and they were just meh so I'm going to look elsewhere. 

Yeah that last one was supposedly DBT.  I literally asked for that.

I was actually considering someone with EMDR.  I was born with a cleft palate, cleft lip, and deviated septum and had several surgeries before the age of 1.  I am almost through reading When the Body Keeps Score and wonder how much trauma is stored in my body from the various things I have experienced. Also, I took dance growing up and of course music and drama and this book talks about how all of those things are good and that may have blunted some of the effects/been a sort of therapy for me growing up and helped me function so well.  Anyway, a writer friend of mine posted about a woman who does that work in Fort Worth, so I might contact her later this week.  Don't know if she has spots available.  So many that I have contacted over the years do not. 

Edited July 4, 2023 by TexasProud

[freesia]

How long did you see the last therapist? It takes several sessions for a therapist to get to know you and your issues well enough to help. For me, my counselors repeated reframing and her redirections when I ruminated trained me in a different pattern of thinking. I knew the right things, but needed her to see how to implement them in a way that worked. 
 

Have you considered a dance class?

[TexasProud]

Just now, freesia said:

How long did you see the last therapist? It takes several sessions for a therapist to get to know you and your issues well enough to help. For me, my counselors repeated reframing and her redirections when I ruminated trained me in a different pattern of thinking. I knew the right things, but needed her to see how to implement them in a way that worked. 
 

Have you considered a dance class?

3 months of going once a week.

[freesia]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

3 months of going once a week.

Ok, well, I’m sorry. You have definitely had a bad run. I hope you can find someone that can really help you. Have you ever done testing for bipolar? You have always had really dramatic ups and downs here. I wonder if there’s any harm in exploring that route. I’d love you to have some peace. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, freesia said:

Ok, well, I’m sorry. You have definitely had a bad run. I hope you can find someone that can really help you. Have you ever done testing for bipolar? You have always had really dramatic ups and downs here. I wonder if there’s any harm in exploring that route. I’d love you to have some peace. 

Honestly, though, that is writing, right? My behavior is not dramatic ups and downs.  I don't fit the manic phase in behavior. Yes, the psych had testing done for that as well as several other things. He did the genetic panel.  He was pretty thorough.  I mentioned my dad's diagnosis and he said I did not fit the diagnosis. 

Yeah, no adult dancing classes in our tiny town.  We do have a yoga studio that people seem to really like. ( She was a child in my children's choir many moons ago.) They have some beginner classes, so I might try that. 

[freesia]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Honestly, though, that is writing, right? My behavior is not dramatic ups and downs.  I don't fit the manic phase in behavior. Yes, the psych had testing done for that as well as several other things. He did the genetic panel.  He was pretty thorough.  I mentioned my dad's diagnosis and he said I did not fit the diagnosis. 

Yeah, no adult dancing classes in our tiny town.  We do have a yoga studio that people seem to really like. ( She was a child in my children's choir many moons ago.) They have some beginner classes, so I might try that. 

Great. I’m glad you got that tested. Yes, it could be writing. It could be the emotions you seem to press down coming out. It could be a lot of things. I’m also not trying to imply it’s bad drama. Part of DBT is radically accepting what you are feeling no matter what the feeling and admitting how hard things are. You are trying to stop pushing and explaining away. You are also trying to stop ruminating.

Yoga is worth a try. It’s relaxing and can give you some breathing techniques that really work. 

[DawnM]

What do you do while you are there?   I can PM with you if you prefer.   Are you able to connect with anyone while you are there?   Or will you be surfing and eating poorly there too?

You know your husband can take me instead! 🤣

BTW:   We are going next summer, it would be great to meet you.

[TexasProud]

24 minutes ago, DawnM said:

What do you do while you are there?   I can PM with you if you prefer.   Are you able to connect with anyone while you are there?   Or will you be surfing and eating poorly there too?

You know your husband can take me instead! 🤣

BTW:   We are going next summer, it would be great to meet you.

I generally get up early, and write. Hubby leaves a little before 7.  I work on a podcast or whatever. The internet there wasn't great. At 9 I walk over to the hospital and join the chaplains.  We would go do our preaching/singing etc to the big waiting areas of the hospital. We would start our rounds of visiting the wards. Head back for tea and mandazi's at 11.  After that, we would go back to the wards or counsel a grieving family ( it varied as to what came up). At 1 I would walk back to the guest house for lunch. Husband often met me.  I would go back to the chaplains at 2 and do rounds until 4.  Head back and possibly cook dinner.  Hubby and I often went for a walk ( the long waterfall hike was by far my favorite one!)  BTW, many of the chaplains knew and had served with your dad and were very sad to hear of his passing.  In the evening we would sometimes eat with other missionary families.  I also preached/taught at the bridge program they have for seniors.  I helped the missionaries out with the Bible quiz programs.  I had dinner with the head of the chaplaincy program and family.  I helped out with children's dance ( what we would call choir).  I was actually busier than my husband, but it was so relaxed as well.  You understand.

However, I also watched from afar as my best friends got attacked in church as the role of women was discussed and I could say nothing but watch several hours later.  I texted my friend, but couldn't give her a hug.  ( Please don't quote any of this.) She and another good friend felt so alone for awhile as they were blamed for things NOT their fault.  Just horrible.  

Also, we returned from serving were home for a week and a half and then took my mother-in-law on a nearly 2 week trip to Indiana to see my daughter in a play. ( It was really fun to take her in the RV with us.  Seeing her experience it all and wonder at the experience.  Just so fun.) We were home for a week and a half, then drove to MIL and got her to take her to middle son's graduation in New Orleans for a long weekend, drove her back home then back here.  We were here for 2 weeks and then lead our teams to serve in Honduras.  This is my second week back home.  I would have one more week here and then would be going with my husband to serve for the month.   We would be home for 2 weeks then we are taking a 6 week RV trip to see the upper peninsula of Michigan and make our way down through Indiana to see her in another production down through Arkansas for a fundraiser for our non-profit then back home.  We will be home for 2 weeks ( Hubby won't he has a conference in Chicago one weekend) then taking another team to Honduras for a week.  Home for a week or two then flying to Indiana to see my daughter in a starring role.  Then probably going to Houston for Thanksgiving.

So yeah, I kinda wanted to be home.  I LOVED AFrica.  I loved the place you called home growing up. Special people.   I honestly wouldn't mind if we moved there full time so I could really build community there. Hubby isn't interested in doing that. 

But it is my only opportunity to be home for more than 2-3 weeks.  Hubby normally goes in spring and fall, so don't know if we will go next summer.   There was just a hole in attending physicians before the new attending gets there this fall, so he needed to go to provide coverage.  But I would love to meet you in person someday!

But can all of you understand ( please don't quote this post will delete later) why I was torn about going?  Part of me wanted to go and part of me did not. 

Edited July 4, 2023 by TexasProud