I think I made a mistake

[TexasProud]

I think I should have chosen to go to Africa.  He wanted to make sure it was something I wanted to do.  If I was tired of traveling.  I didn't know...  At first I was so relieved when I said no, I want to stay home. Now I am rethinking this.  If I spend a month just surfing here all day, eating poorly and not doing what I should, how is that better regardless of what I want?

[Hannah]

What is it that you think you "should" be doing? If you are tired of traveling and have the option to rest and just have time out to recharge, then allow yourself that indulgence.  

You will have the energy to do all of the "shoulds" with renewed vigor later.

[Rosie_0801]

You're not a machine. You're allowed to take time off to eat badly and do nothing. You're allowed to change your mind and go to Africa. 

[ikslo]

I don’t think the mistake is not going to Africa. I think the mistake is deciding to eat poorly and not do what you should all day.  Pick something else to do. I mean, of course surf here as much as you want. Personally, I think you should eat adventurous food and then post about it here.
 

There are things you can do at home while still recharging a bit. I’m sure we can help you come up with ideas. Ever eaten snake?

[regentrude]

First, what do you think you *should * be doing?

Second, just because you chose to stay home doesn't mean you have to eat poorly and surf all day. Do this for a couple of days until you're sick of it, and then do something you enjoy.

ETA: are there things you put on hold when DH is home with you? Now is the time to do those. Day trip with girlfriend, eating the foods he doesn't like, not feeling the need to take another person's daily preferences into account. This can be fun.

Edited July 3, 2023 by regentrude

[KungFuPanda]

Who told you you have to be virtuous and useful every day? Plug in, recharge, and in a day or two maybe think about making a to-do list. Rest is a real thing you have to do, so it’s good to learn to prioritize it before you get older and need more of it. 

[marbel]

The only two choices in your life are go to Africa, or sit around the house surfing WTM boards and eating junk food? 

You have talked before about the way your travel disrupts routines and makes it hard to build relationships. So, plan some social events. Build some routines. Exercise, nutrition? Reading goals? 

[TexasProud]

18 minutes ago, marbel said:

The only two choices in your life are go to Africa, or sit around the house surfing WTM boards and eating junk food? 

You have talked before about the way your travel disrupts routines and makes it hard to build relationships. So, plan some social events. Build some routines. Exercise, nutrition? Reading goals? 

That is just it.  Every time I SAY I will do this.  I have a huge list of to-do's, but without anyone here or any accountability I lay on the couch and eat junk food.  Last time my husband was gone I gained 5 pounds.  And even if I did somehow miraculously build a routine, we will then take a 6 week RV trip which will throw it all off.  Besides, all this stuff I have planned doesn't really mean much. 

[Katy]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

That is just it.  Every time I SAY I will do this.  I have a huge list of to-do's, but without anyone here or any accountability I lay on the couch and eat junk food.  Last time my husband was gone I gained 5 pounds.  And even if I did somehow miraculously build a routine, we will then take a 6 week RV trip which will throw it all off.  Besides, all this stuff I have planned doesn't really mean much. 

Maybe you should go to a spa. Then you can completely rest and eat healthy food without doing any work yourself 

[SKL]

I remember you being pretty stressed out and way over-committed when you were planning the Africa trip.  From the outside looking in, I don't think you were wrong to stay home.

It's therapeutic IMO to take a brief break to recharge, then gear up into a more healthy lifestyle.  If it's accountability you need, find activities with accountability, but don't forget to be accountable for your own life balance too.  Commit, but don't over-commit.  I suggest adding small things one at a time until the overall balance feels healthy.

[Heartstrings]

Rest is a valid use of time.  That puritanical voice we all seem to have that requires us to be productive all the time is a liar. 

[marbel]

7 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And even if I did somehow miraculously build a routine, we will then take a 6 week RV trip which will throw it all off. 

Think about things you can continue to do on your RV trip. Build routines with that in mind. Do this after you take a few days to rest and let ideas percolate. Sometimes boredom is a good thing; after a sufficient period of it, you may be moved to act.

Edited July 3, 2023 by marbel

[TexasProud]

28 minutes ago, regentrude said:

First, what do you think you *should * be doing?

Second, just because you chose to stay home doesn't mean you have to eat poorly and surf all day. Do this for a couple of days until you're sick of it, and then do something you enjoy.

ETA: are there things you put on hold when DH is home with you? Now is the time to do those. Day trip with girlfriend, eating the foods he doesn't like, not feeling the need to take another person's daily preferences into account. This can be fun.

I honestly don't know.  No, I put nothing on hold anymore for dh.  And that is just it, he eats healthy and walks and likes for me to join him, so I do and it is good for me.  But I sneak sugar sometimes.  Even right now, I should be working on a blog post or my devotion or something and I am surfing here and ate crap for breakfast ( I hide it from him.)  No, I can do anything I want anytime I want.  Which makes me feel lost.  I have too many choices. 

 

Just now, SKL said:

I remember you being pretty stressed out and way over-committed when you were planning the Africa trip.  From the outside looking in, I don't think you were wrong to stay home.

It's therapeutic IMO to take a brief break to recharge, then gear up into a more healthy lifestyle.  If it's accountability you need, find activities with accountability, but don't forget to be accountable for your own life balance too.  Commit, but don't over-commit.  I suggest adding small things one at a time until the overall balance feels healthy.

Overcommitted to what????????  traveling is it.  So...  I am home for 6 weeks, which ostensibly should give me time to spend with my daughter and really get some good writing in.  I have no other outside commitments.  I don't know what activities you think I should do in the middle of summer.  They will pick up at the end of August when I will be traveling.  I haven't had outside activities other than seminary and taking care of my mom.  

 

Just now, marbel said:

Think about things you can continue to do on your RV trip. Build routines with that in mind. After you take a few days to rest and let ideas percolate. Sometimes boredom is a good thing; after a sufficient period of it, you may be moved to act.

No, I will fill the house with the tv on 24/7 because I cannot stand the silence.  I will tell myself I should and then not do it. 

[marbel]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

No, I will fill the house with the tv on 24/7 because I cannot stand the silence.  I will tell myself I should and then not do it. 

Well then, I guess you've made your decision.

What kind of a blog do you write? Do you do podcasts too, or am I thinking of someone else? 

[TexasProud]

Just now, marbel said:

Well then, I guess you've made your decision.

What kind of a blog do you write? Do you do podcasts too, or am I thinking of someone else? 

I do. Travel/spiritual

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I honestly don't know.  No, I put nothing on hold anymore for dh.  And that is just it, he eats healthy and walks and likes for me to join him, so I do and it is good for me.  But I sneak sugar sometimes.  Even right now, I should be working on a blog post or my devotion or something and I am surfing here and ate crap for breakfast ( I hide it from him.)  

You need to stop shoulding on yourself. 

As for sugar, stop thinking of it as sneaking. Sugar can be part of a balanced diet. The fact that you feel the need to hide what you eat from your DH concerns me. Why do you think you need to do this? 

You don't have to be perfect ( whatever that constitutes in your mind). Cut yourself some slack

[Rosie_0801]

18 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 And even if I did somehow miraculously build a routine, we will then take a 6 week RV trip which will throw it all off.  Besides, all this stuff I have planned doesn't really mean much. 

Why is it on your to-do list if it doesn't mean much?

[TexasProud]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Why is it on your to-do list if it doesn't mean much?

Because I thought it did. But now, who really cares and no one read/listens to it anyway so why am I putting all of this effort into it?  

[regentrude]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Because I thought it did. But now, who really cares and no one read/listens to it anyway so why am I putting all of this effort into it?  

Because the writing and creating gives you joy?

If it doesn't,  stop doing it.

[TexasProud]

Just now, regentrude said:

Because the writing and creating gives you joy?

If it doesn't,  stop doing it.

What is this mythical thing that causes joy?

[Rosie_0801]

Just now, TexasProud said:

What is this mythical thing that causes joy?

Well, if you haven't watched 'Queen Charlotte' on Netflix, I'd recommend that.

[Rosie_0801]

Do you want to go to Africa after all?

[TexasProud]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Do you want to go to Africa after all?

I did enjoy it and at least I was doing something useful.  I loved the pace of life. I enjoyed seeing the patients and the culture. 

However, I felt so out of touch with "home."  I will be doing some things.  I am helping a friend with her son's wedding.  We are having lunch after it is over to really catch up.  I will probably walk occasionally with another friend, but she has youth camp one week and an anniversary trip another week for the month.  I was excited about staying home and really digging into the writing, but who am I kidding?  i don't have the self-discipline to do it.  I've made all of these lists, parts of routines, good intentions, milestones, but the truth is, when he flies away, I will just lie on the couch. 

[maize]

You sound like you're in a mood funk ((())).

Here's hoping it passes--if it's long-lasting,  there are things that can help--ranging from more time in nature in with friends  to taking care of medical issues like thyroid to mental healthcare treatment. 

[Rosie_0801]

Well enjoy lying on the couch then. I spent this morning baking even though there's no one to eat it all (why didn't I feel like making salads, I'd like to know,) and the afternoon watching Cary Grant movies. The earth kept spinning.

Or go to a coffee shop and write there. Sometimes it's easier when you're out of the house.

[marbel]

7 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

What is this mythical thing that causes joy?

So, you are a Christian, right? You have a seminary degree and write/podcast on spiritual topics, right? 

You really sound as if you are in a spiritual desert right now (sorry for falling into religion-speak). I would be trying to meet with people who can help pull you out of this. A medical workup might be a good idea too. Some time with a good counselor might be in order too. 

[Heartstrings]

16 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Because I thought it did. But now, who really cares and no one read/listens to it anyway so why am I putting all of this effort into it?  

I’m sure you’ve at least considered that this sounds like textbook depression.  Have you considered seeing a therapist or a trip to the doctor?

 

 Maybe consider an aging/wellness doctor for a full blood panel to check hormone and vitamin levels?  I personally love mine, much more in depth than testing than the PCP, you walk away with a list of vitamins to support your body and hormones.   Low estrogen can lead to depression as we start approaching and going through menopause.  
 

Edited July 3, 2023 by Heartstrings

[SKL]

17 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I don't know what activities you think I should do in the middle of summer.  They will pick up at the end of August when I will be traveling.  I haven't had outside activities other than seminary and taking care of my mom. 

I don't know what you should do, that's for you to figure out.  Myself, if I had 6 weeks to just do whatever I wanted, I'd try to spend it like this:

• Spend several days taking care of myself and catching up on the most basic things.
  • Sleep.
  • Daily walking, yoga, whatever other exercise makes sense for my body and mind.
  • Buy, prepare, and eat healthy food, drink lots of water.
  • Make appropriate health and wellness appointments.
  • Check in with loved ones.
  • Catch up on bills, filing, laundry, and the most basic house cleaning.
  • Read for enjoyment / current awareness, play my instruments.  Maybe watch a series I've heard was good.
• Update technology that can improve effectiveness/efficiency.  Electronic calendar, contacts, filing system, computer updates and backups, etc.
• Attack heavier house cleaning and maintenance.  Deep clean, purge, reorganize, sew, ....
• Attack more long-term personal tasks such as retirement planning / investments / streamlining future work.
• Consider adding activities with outside accountability.
  • Physical activities with trainer or team.
  • Volunteer activities that are scheduled.
  • Any kind of training that would be interesting / helpful.
  • Lunch out or visits with or helping out for loved ones.

[SKL]

Maybe going to the library to do some of your writing would offer some inspiration.  Or walking through the nearest art museum.

[TexasProud]

15 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

I’m sure you’ve at least considered that this sounds like textbook depression.  Have you considered seeing a therapist or a trip to the doctor?

 

 Maybe consider an aging/wellness doctor for a full blood panel to check hormone and vitamin levels?  I personally love mine, much more in depth than testing than the PCP, you walk away with a list of vitamins to support your body and hormones.   Low estrogen can lead to depression as we start approaching and going through menopause.  
 

Therapists are useless.
I will have to check, may be time to go to my family practice doc for my usual bloodwork.  Even if I had low estrogen, I am NOT supplementing.  My mom fought estrogen sensitive breast cancer three times and eventually died from it. So it can just stay low. 

[TexasProud]

9 minutes ago, SKL said:

Maybe going to the library to do some of your writing would offer some inspiration.  Or walking through the nearest art museum.

 Yeah, that is in my plan.  I just don't trust myself to follow it.  I will post my plan later, but have to go with my exchange girls to the next activity in a few minutes. 

[Rosie_0801]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 Yeah, that is in my plan.  I just don't trust myself to follow it.  

Well, I could use an accountability partner for tomorrow. You go to the library and I'll do some sewing, which I've been staring at for months now and not doing. How 'bout that?

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Well, I could use an accountability partner for tomorrow. You go to the library and I'll do some sewing, which I've been staring at for months now and not doing. How 'bout that?

LOL, another day.  Tomorrow is last day with the exchange students. We have several activities planned.  Plus it is July 4th here in the states, a national holiday, so libraries are closed!  But I can check in on you if you want.   Next week is VBS.  The big issue will come after July 17th when he leaves for a month. 

[TexasProud]

27 minutes ago, marbel said:

So, you are a Christian, right? You have a seminary degree and write/podcast on spiritual topics, right? 

You really sound as if you are in a spiritual desert right now (sorry for falling into religion-speak). I would be trying to meet with people who can help pull you out of this.

Yeah, my spiritual director is off the entire month of July.  I have an appointment August 10th.  All of my online spiritual formation groups take a break in July also.  So many people are traveling. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

LOL, another day.  Tomorrow is last day with the exchange students. We have several activities planned.  Plus it is July 4th here in the states, a national holiday, so libraries are closed!  But I can check in on you if you want.   Next week is VBS.  The big issue will come after July 17th when he leaves for a month. 

Oh, I think I can procrastinate successfully until the 17th. 😛

[MercyA]

47 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Well, if you haven't watched 'Queen Charlotte' on Netflix, I'd recommend that.

YES. 

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

Because the writing and creating gives you joy?

If it doesn't,  stop doing it.

This. 

Also, going to add that it is okay if it used to be something you wanted to do, and enjoyed, and now you just don't wanna. You can change your mind. You can mix things up. I used to think of that as "quitting" but then realized no, it is my personality to enjoy things, and then find new things I enjoy. and that's okay. It's not being a quitter or a failure, it's just changing priorities. 

 

[Clarita]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

If I spend a month just surfing here all day, eating poorly and not doing what I should, how is that better regardless of what I want?

It would be better if it brings you joy. Plus you don't have to be doing all those things or any one of those things. You can eat poorly but not surf here, you can surf here and not eat poorly. You can no do what you're "suppose" to do but not surf here all day and not eat poorly. Really any combination of things. 

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

What is this mythical thing that causes joy?

Shy of you have depression and need to seek help. Basically these are the things that make you happy or you want to do. Wanting to just surf on the internet and eat Cheetos is the thing for some people. If it is and the only problem is the consequence that makes it sad for you then tweak the activity to lessen the "consequence". So things like maybe make only healthier snack options available, binge watch a show or play a video game sometimes instead of just being on this forum, or just stop thinking about the mythical things you "should" do.

Things that give people joy don't have to be productive. I mean some people's things are, but being productive is not what makes it the joyful activity. No matter what the activity is if being productive is the thing that makes it joyful, then the joy part is out of your control. So mythical joy bringing activity is one that brings you contentment even if it is not beneficial in some other way.

In terms of letting your health slide when your husband is away. Needing him to poke you to do all those things isn't sustainable so find a way to make it sustainable for yourself. If you have no will power then make the unhealthy choices difficult (not by guilt but by making them unavailable). Things like not buying unhealthy snacks/food, only put your snacks in small bowls so you have to walk yourself to the kitchen for more constantly, get a sitting treadmill thing so you walk while surfing here, make the yoga ball your chair, remove your chair.... Some people need their exercising to have more of a point so join a class for accountability or a team/sport for a purpose. Also in the case of exercise doing something even if it doesn't break a sweat is better than nothing. Then trying to make it routine is progress.   

     

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Clarita said:

It would be better if it brings you joy. Plus you don't have to be doing all those things or any one of those things. You can eat poorly but not surf here, you can surf here and not eat poorly. You can no do what you're "suppose" to do but not surf here all day and not eat poorly. Really any combination of things. 

Shy of you have depression and need to seek help. Basically these are the things that make you happy or you want to do. Wanting to just surf on the internet and eat Cheetos is the thing for some people. If it is and the only problem is the consequence that makes it sad for you then tweak the activity to lessen the "consequence". So things like maybe make only healthier snack options available, binge watch a show or play a video game sometimes instead of just being on this forum, or just stop thinking about the mythical things you "should" do.

Things that give people joy don't have to be productive. I mean some people's things are, but being productive is not what makes it the joyful activity. No matter what the activity is if being productive is the thing that makes it joyful, then the joy part is out of your control. So mythical joy bringing activity is one that brings you contentment even if it is not beneficial in some other way.

In terms of letting your health slide when your husband is away. Needing him to poke you to do all those things isn't sustainable so find a way to make it sustainable for yourself. If you have no will power then make the unhealthy choices difficult (not by guilt but by making them unavailable). Things like not buying unhealthy snacks/food, only put your snacks in small bowls so you have to walk yourself to the kitchen for more constantly, get a sitting treadmill thing so you walk while surfing here, make the yoga ball your chair, remove your chair.... Some people need their exercising to have more of a point so join a class for accountability or a team/sport for a purpose. Also in the case of exercise doing something even if it doesn't break a sweat is better than nothing. Then trying to make it routine is progress.   

     

I am not sad.  I  laugh with friends and my husband. It all stems back to the fact I cannot answer what I want.  When hubby and I were talking about it, he kept saying, "I want you to do what YOU want to do.  You have supported me.  You go along with all of my stuff, but we need to make sure we do what YOU want to do..."  I cannot answer that question.  I have no clue.  I could literally do just about anything I wanted to do: buy a plane ticket to Paris.  Read all day ( I am currently reading 5 books.) Go work missions 24/7.  What does God want me to do?  What do I want?   I cannot answer either question.

We do not buy unhealthy food.  But I will buy donuts or something with cash while I am out and throw away the evidence.  When he is gone, I will probably go to the store and buy a bunch of crap, hide it from my daughter, and eat it.  Making it routine is the issue.  Right now, I walk with my husband M, W F and my friend on T/TH when she is available.  but both will be gone a lot the month I am here.  I mean I guess I could find something, but it could only be from July 17 - Aug 28.  Then we will be leaving and won't be back on the RV trip until October 9.  Yes, we will be doing a lot of hiking.  I will be fine.  I will also eat fine then since I will be with hubby 24/7.  

[SKL]

Based on your last post, I wonder if it would help you to focus on how to clear your mind so you can listen to what God wants you to do / what you need / what you love.  IMO that would be a very worthy use of your free time.

[regentrude]

17 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 When hubby and I were talking about it, he kept saying, "I want you to do what YOU want to do.  You have supported me.  You go along with all of my stuff, but we need to make sure we do what YOU want to do..."  I cannot answer that question.  I have no clue.  What does God want me to do?  What do I want?   I cannot answer either question.

 

 But I will buy donuts or something with cash while I am out and throw away the evidence.  When he is gone, I will probably go to the store and buy a bunch of crap, hide it from my daughter, and eat it.  

Btdt with the question what I want. I dedicated a year to exploring this. I tried as many new activities and experiences as possible to shake things lose in the brain and break old thought patterns. I made this a priority in my life, and the process eventually yielded an answer.

For you, the tool could look different. Meditation and walking are, however, common tools that help many people to gain clarity.

The other thing I suggest you explore is why you feel the need to hide your eating patterns from your loved ones. The donut itself isn't a problem, but your need to hide it is one.

 

Edited July 3, 2023 by regentrude

[fraidycat]

Book the ticket to Paris. Pack up your 5 books, and sit for a week reading books under the Eiffel tower and eating all the french "crap food" you can handle. I hear it's pretty good there.

You already know what you want, you just won't allow yourself to accept that you want to be a junk-food eating couch potato. You are so burned out from trying to be what you think everyone else wants you to be that you don't even know who you are anymore.

The thing is, you need to give yourself permission to stop pleasing others so you can figure who you are and what you want. I don't think you'll do that because you can't even eat a doughnut without hiding it. 

If you think it was a mistake a no longer feels like relief, book a ticket to Africa and go with him. Or meet him there later. Book to Paris AND Africa. Or sit on the couch and binge Netflix and chips. They are all valid choices. The only thing that makes any of them "wrong" is your judgement about them.

[TexasProud]

35 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Btdt with the question what I want. I dedicated a year to exploring this. I tried as many new activities and experiences as possible to shake things lose in the brain and break old thought patterns. I made this a priority in my life, and the process eventually yielded an answer.

For you, the tool could look different. Meditation and walking are, however, common tools that help many people to gain clarity.

The other thing I suggest you explore is why you feel the need to hide your eating patterns from your loved ones. The donut itself isn't a problem, but your need to hide it is one.

 

I have been trying to explore this since 2015.  I hide everything from loved ones.  Always have.  I got in a car wreck in high school as a passenger and didn't tell my mom.  ( When my friend's mom came up to my mom at some school function, she said, "I am so glad .... didn't get seriously injured. Yeah, I was in trouble.  She also heard that I was wearing a boy's senior ring from someone else.) You guys know how I feel about stuff so much more than most of the people in my life do.

[regentrude]

17 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I have been trying to explore this since 2015.  I hide everything from loved ones.  Always have.  ...

You guys know how I feel about stuff so much more than most of the people in my life do.

I seriously recommend exploring this *with a therapist*. If you cannot be honest with your loved ones, there is no basis for any healthy relationship. 

Yes, I know you say therapy doesn't work. But have you ever been honest with your therapist? Any mental health professional should take this issue seriously. The fact that this dates back to your youth hints at some childhood issues you haven't processed.

Edited July 3, 2023 by regentrude

[Grace Hopper]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I do. Travel/spiritual

What kind of advice do you give through your writings? Because if you’re doing spiritual writing I’d be curious how that’s actually foundational in your own life. Do you have anxiety because you are calling yourself (and others) to a way of living that you are finding unable to sustain yourself without falling into such despair?

Please don’t read the as accusatorial, I am sincere. I think you may be setting such a high, “virtuous” bar for yourself that it leaves you constantly questioning every decision you must make. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Grace Hopper said:

What kind of advice do you give through your writings? Because if you’re doing spiritual writing I’d be curious how that’s actually foundational in your own life. Do you have anxiety because you are calling yourself (and others) to a way of living that you are finding unable to sustain yourself without falling into such despair?

Please don’t read the as accusatorial, I am sincere. I think you may be setting such a high, “virtuous” bar for yourself that it leaves you constantly questioning every decision you must make. 

I don't give advice.  That is what has been hard about doing all of this.  It is more about wrestling with God over questions and writing about it.  The LAST thing I would ever want is to have a million person following or something. All the writing stuff keeps talking about how you are solving a problem for your reader...  Yeah, that isn't why I write. 

And the truth is that I don't feel like I feel today every day.  Some days I wake up, love my life, enjoy the writing, I get tons done and it is great.  Other days, I am obsessed with this board and cannot enjoy conversations with other people as I spend my whole time coming up with things to say for this board.   So many days I am fine. 

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 All the writing stuff keeps talking about how you are solving a problem for your reader...  Yeah, that isn't why I write. 

I don't know any writer who writes because they want to solve problems for their reader - except agony aunts and of course technical writers of user manuals.
The writers I know write because they love writing and can't live without doing it.

Edited July 3, 2023 by regentrude

[Grace Hopper]

6 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I don't know any writer who writes because they want to solve problems for their reader - except agony aunts and of course technical writers of user manuals.
The writers I know write because they love writing and can't live without doing it.

Speaking as a fiction writer who has been told repeatedly by authoritarian church leaders, when they discovered I wrote, that my gift should only be used for devotional, spiritual writing…. Just saying that there were a lot of angsty years there. There’s a difference between writing content you have been conditioned to produce versus actual artistic freedom as a writer. The former produces a lot of internal conflict; going with the second can strain relationships. 
 

Just my observation as an artist in a strict conservative denomination (which I am no longer a part of).

 

[marbel]

36 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Yes, I know you say therapy doesn't work. But have you ever been honest with your therapist?

I'm wondering this too. If the only people you are truly honest with are anonymous people on the internet... well that's not going to help you. But it sounds as if you present yourself in a very curated way to the people in your life. Does that include therapists you have been to see? 

You also said:

"Other days, I am obsessed with this board and cannot enjoy conversations with other people as I spend my whole time coming up with things to say for this board.   So many days I am fine."

So you only come here when you are feeling down, get a bunch of people to respond to you with suggestions to make things better for yourself, but it's all just meaningless to you the next day when you feel fine? Have I got that right?  You're just yanking our chains because you are "obsessed?" 

 

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Speaking as a fiction writer who has been told repeatedly by authoritarian church leaders, when they discovered I wrote, that my gift should only be used for devotional, spiritual writing…. Just saying that there were a lot of angsty years there. There’s a difference between writing content you have been conditioned to produce versus actual artistic freedom as a writer. The former produces a lot of internal conflict; going with the second can strain relationships. 
 

Just my observation as an artist in a strict conservative denomination (which I am no longer a part of).

 

Oh..these are not church leaders AT ALL.  My pastor was bragging about my writing to someone this morning.  He also likes ( and I do to) when I organize the congregation to write a devotional for Lent or Advent.  I love helping people craft their own stories. I edit them and then film them so we have video and paper versions.  

But no, they wouldn't care what I wrote.  No, this is more from writing programs/places about building your platform/finding readers. This isn't from my church at all..  They love my poetry that isn't religious per see.   My pastor and his wife are my biggest cheerleaders...he is about as opposite of authoritarian as you can get.  He has friends of every religion, political background, etc.  He gets along with all kinds of people.