Heart Broken and need advice

[Tina in Ny]

My neighbor had a divorce years back and she had custody of her 14yr daughter. We lived next to them for six years and her daughter was over our house almost everyday. My daughter and her daughter were inseparable.

 

Well my neighbor recently got sick and was in long term care for almost two months. During the time she was in the hospital, she lost her daycare business, had no income and couldn't pay for her house and the bank took it and sold it.

 

MY neighbor went to live in North Carolina with her oldest daughter and the Dad got custody of the 14 yr old daughter. The 14yrs old is living with the Dad's girl friend 4hrs away. The Dad goes up on the weekends and stays the weekend with them.

 

The 14 yr old is having a very hard time and hates being there. The girl friend is very mean to her. I called her to say hi and the girl friend told her to get off the phone . She had told me she wanted to live with her Dad and move back here, but her dad said no.

 

I wanted her to live with us ; she is like part of the family. I offered to pay for her tuition to the school my kids go to. She wanted to move in with us but her Dad won't let her.

 

My heart is broken. How can I help her??

 

She is a very self sufficient kid she doesn't say anything to anyone about things that are bothering her.

Thanks for listening

Tina

[Danestress]

But I would *not* be offering for someone else's child to live with me unless I already discussed it and had permission from the parents. It's just not your place. Moving is hard on kids and divorce is hard on kids and I am sure you are very sad for her and for your own daughter. I would be upset in your shoes too.

 

Pray for her and for her mother's health and for her relationship with her step mother. She needs to invest her energy in making a better relationship with her step mother and making a happy life for herself where her parents are able to provide a home for her. It's not going to be easy for her, but they are her parents. Do you still here from the mother?

 

The only reason my advice might differ is if you have credible evidence of abuse. But since most 14 year olds think their parents are mean, just her report that her step-mother is mean doesn't alarm me. And certainly being told to get off the phone doesn't alarm me. And actually, I would be worried that if the Dad and step-mother get the idea that she's complaining to you about her life with them and you are sympathizing, they might limit her contact with you .

[LisaKinVA]

She's living with the dad's girl friend?!? and Dad isn't there except for the weekends????

 

Geez. Losing your home, mom, and living with a stranger who's not even family by marriage is pretty harsh for a 14yo.

 

I'd call the girl's mom in NC and see how, and if, you can help. It would be best if the parents could reach an agreement, because otherwise it's going to get ugly.

 

Otherwise, the girl's only option is to contact social services herself and try to become an emancipated minor, and/or ask for a guardian ad-litem to plead her case.

 

But, I agree that you shouldn't be talking to the daughter about living with you as an option -- go to your friend first, I'm sure her heart is breaking for her dd just like yours.

[Scarlett]

She's living with the dad's girl friend?!? and Dad isn't there except for the weekends????

 

Geez. Losing your home, mom, and living with a stranger who's not even family by marriage is pretty harsh for a 14yo.

 

I'd call the girl's mom in NC and see how, and if, you can help. It would be best if the parents could reach an agreement, because otherwise it's going to get ugly.

 

Otherwise, the girl's only option is to contact social services herself and try to become an emancipated minor, and/or ask for a guardian ad-litem to plead her case.

 

But, I agree that you shouldn't be talking to the daughter about living with you as an option -- go to your friend first, I'm sure her heart is breaking for her dd just like yours.

 

I agree. :( Very sad all around. What a bitter pill to swallow...having to spend most of your time with your dad's gf.

[Danestress]

I wonder how I missed that? That really makes it different for me somehow. It seems like if Dad isn't willing to commit to this woman, then why should his daughter be invested in that relationship?

 

At the same time, I can imagine the father talking saying, "I just don't know what to do. My ex wife's illness has been so awful. I never thought she would lose the house and lose her health, and of course I am willing to take my daughter and raise her, but for now, I have this horrible job that I can't leave because SOMEONE has to have an income, and she can't come with me right now, so I've done the best I can."

 

But I really can't imagine letting my kid live with a neighbor.

 

Very difficult situation.

Edited December 19, 2008 by Danestress

[Scarlett]

But I really can't imagine letting my kid live with a neighbor.

 

Very difficult situation.

 

But I bet you can't imagine leaving your kid behind if you had to go live with relatives...where I go my boy goes.

[dawn of ns]

MY neighbor went to live in North Carolina with her oldest daughter and the Dad got custody of the 14 yr old daughter. The 14yrs old is living with the Dad's girl friend 4hrs away. The Dad goes up on the weekends and stays the weekend with them.

 

That can't be right. He has custody, not the girlfriend.

[Danestress]

until the day your divorce, at which point someone else will tell you whether your child will go where your chilren go:(

[Parrothead]

She's living with the dad's girl friend?!? and Dad isn't there except for the weekends????

 

Geez. Losing your home, mom, and living with a stranger who's not even family by marriage is pretty harsh for a 14yo.

 

I'd call the girl's mom in NC and see how, and if, you can help. It would be best if the parents could reach an agreement, because otherwise it's going to get ugly.

 

Otherwise, the girl's only option is to contact social services herself and try to become an emancipated minor, and/or ask for a guardian ad-litem to plead her case.

 

But, I agree that you shouldn't be talking to the daughter about living with you as an option -- go to your friend first, I'm sure her heart is breaking for her dd just like yours.

:iagree:

[Scarlett]

until the day your divorce, at which point someone else will tell you whether your child will go where your chilren go:(

 

 

:confused: I don't think the mother was told her child had to go live with someone else---certainly not because of the divorce...she got sick, went to live with a grown child in another state and sent the 14 yo to the 14's dad...who sent her to his girlfriends. I guess I'm wondering why she didn't take her with her.

[LisaKinVA]

:confused: I don't think the mother was told her child had to go live with someone else---certainly not because of the divorce...she got sick, went to live with a grown child in another state and sent the 14 yo to the 14's dad...who sent her to his girlfriends. I guess I'm wondering why she didn't take her with her.

 

It's possible that the mom thought the dad would keep the girl close to her friends/school... it's possible that the divorce decree said she couldn't "move" out of the area and take her along... and it's also unfortunately possible that the dad saw the mom's illness and financial situation as an opportunity to sue for custody -- as distasteful as that sounds, it's a real possibility.

 

Sometimes, with divorce, child custody issues have NOTHING to do with "what's best for the child" -- but have everything to do with "sticking it" to the former spouse.

[Danestress]

:confused: I don't think the mother was told her child had to go live with someone else---certainly not because of the divorce...she got sick, went to live with a grown child in another state and sent the 14 yo to the 14's dad...who sent her to his girlfriends. I guess I'm wondering why she didn't take her with her.

 

The OP said "Dad got custody" of the girl. I assumed there was some sort of legal custody awarded to him. Sometimes custody arrangements stipulate that the child can not be moved out of state. If the mother's financial situation became desperate, she might not have been able to afford to go back to court for a change allowing her to move the child to NC (if custody had been court ordered in the first place). Further, if the mother had to go to NC from NY and has no money, she couldn't pay travel expenses for Dad to have regular visitation and since she is the one who chose to move, those expenses would most likely be at least partly her responsibility.

Typically divorced people can't just decide to take a child and move to another state with no modification of the custody arrangement and no provision for reasonable visitation. The Dad has rights too.

 

I think the mother's desperate health and financial problems have forced her into a very sad situation, and back to the OP - If I really wanted to help, I might offer to give the money money to fly the girl down to see her or to come up herself and see her, or to consult with an attorney about what she can do now.

[dirty ethel rackham]

And I can't think of any scenario where the girl would be placed with the dad's girlfriend, 4 hours away from any close relationships. That would make no sense. At least, if the girl had her day in court, other options would certainly be more palatable.