The PARENTS are going to be the death of my career

[DawnM]

OY!

NASTY emails last night from one parent, new to one of my assigned schools, very demanding, saying I am not giving her what she wants and this is UNACCEPTABLE!

Well lady, you are going to have to accept it because what you are asking for is not even a thing (legally.)

I am so over the "my child is super duper special and you need to jump to the moon and back for her!   I don't give a flying flip about the rest of the kids, but my precious cherub needs ALL staff to cater to ALL my whims."

Now I get to deal with said "Karen" today.   I have already given this parent HOURS more than other parents get.

Just a rant......hope your day is better than mine.

Edited March 2, 2023 by DawnM

[TheReader]

Oye; hugs & prayers. Parents really can be....something....can't they?! 

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

Parents are the reason a lot of good teachers I know gave up and found new careers. I can’t imagine trying to teach in today’s climate. What you do to make one parent happy will probably make two others mad anyway. It’s a lose lose situation. 

[Carrie12345]

I’m so sorry. I don’t understand what makes people that way.  
I was an annoying parent when my oldest was in school, sorry! But in the opposite direction. I was telling people to quit giving my kid As for made up book reports and extra days for projects he didn’t have the executive function to complete.  I’m sure teachers hated me, but not for trying to get my kid something for nothing! 😆

[lmrich]

So sorry. Is your administration helpful? It  is so nice to work in a school where the admin has your back. 

Best of luck!

[KrissiK]

I’m sorry. i know what you are going through. Years ago i taught in a school where there were some parents who made my life a living nightmare,

[Harriet Vane]

I hear ya. I’m so sorry.

[DawnM]

18 minutes ago, lmrich said:

So sorry. Is your administration helpful? It  is so nice to work in a school where the admin has your back. 

Best of luck!

I have a district job, so although I am at two school sites, I am not actually working for the school.   The admin is good, but I have put a call in to my district office for assistance with this.

[gardenmom5]

I hope your principal has your back.

My friend dealt with a similar problem parent.

[Kassia]

Ugh - I'm sorry.  I can't imagine trying to do your best on a challenging job and then having to deal with a parent like that.  It seems overwhelming to do your job while having so many parents to please on top of that.  

[DawnM]

I have worked in NC for 8 years now in Public Education.   I was going to try to make it for another 7 or 8 years for health insurance in retirement, but I am not sure I will make it.

I am seriously considering retiring early, taking less $$ and only half the medical benefits, and just ending.   

DH is fully on board with me retiring early and will support me either way.

One reason I wanted to make it to the end is for my son.   He has autism and although we hope he will eventually work to support himself, we aren't seeing any evidence of that right now.   I can make him the beneficiary of the account and he will receive my retirement allotment after I die and until he dies.   He would get more if I work more years.

We will see if I can do it.   Today isn't the day to ask.

[Katy]

What a lovely idea. It’s so nice that it’s an option. 

[DawnM]

2 minutes ago, Katy said:

What a lovely idea. It’s so nice that it’s an option. 

Yes, it is, and it is an option for my years/retirement in CA too.   I won't draw that until retirement age, but I can make him the beneficiary of that too (or all my kids to split).

[vonfirmath]

I am so sorry. I try very hard to support the teachers and not add to their workload. But unfortunately -- one of my kids does not help the process 😞

He truly struggles. Sometimes I wonder if the teachers realize how much he is struggling but he does not help the case by sometimes just giving up on even trying and spending school time entertaining himself instead of listening, thus causing extra work when he has to go back and ask for help with stuff the teacher already taught.

[fraidycat]

1 hour ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Parents are the reason a lot of good teachers I know gave up and found new careers. I can’t imagine trying to teach in today’s climate. What you do to make one parent happy will probably make two others mad anyway. It’s a lose lose situation. 

Yep. It's never the kids. It's usually the parents and sometimes the admin. My friends who are still teachers say the same - the worst part of their job is the parents.

[DawnM]

4 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

Yep. It's never the kids. It's usually the parents and sometimes the admin. My friends who are still teachers say the same - the worst part of their job is the parents.

My last school had a HORRIBLE administrator.   She is a raging narcissist and I do NOT use that term lightly.   I have never dealt with the likes of her in my life and I hope to never deal with it ever again.   

She had it in for me and made my life a living hell for almost a full year before I could find a better job.   Thankfully, my head boss downtown is one of the nicest men I have met and my Principals at both schools are very good.   I don't have a lot of interaction with them, but they are not micromanagers and have only said nice things to me.

[SKL]

You are doing such important work, and I think most people know and appreciate that.  I hope you can just try to keep that in the back of your mind while dealing with the ones who don't.

I'm another one who has tried to avoid being "that parent" while still being the voice my kid(s) needed.  I am sure we created our fair share of frustration.  I think that some of it is because we usually only know what our kids tell us.  Remember that time my  6yo cheerily told me she hadn't been allowed to go to lunch, because she didn't finish writing her journal entry fast enough?  I (calmly) mentioned it in a meeting (about testing) and stated that my kid needs to eat lunch every day.  The teacher about had a stroke and called my 6yo a liar etc.  Come to find out years later (from same kid) that she had in fact eaten lunch that day; she just had to wait and eat it later in the classroom.  The kid wasn't lying, she really didn't know I was gonna be misled / triggered by her choice of words.  I eventually learned to seek the teachers' side of things before reacting.

So anyhoo ... I don't know if that has any relevance to your situation ... but I wish you well and thank you for all that you do for the kids.  May peace prevail.  🙂

[City Mouse]

Yep, in the same boat.

As soon as my DH retires (5-6 years) from his current job, I will be done with public education. However, I did enjoy a previous stent as a long-term substitute. Whenever a parent started to unload on me, I could just say “You will need to check with ****(anyone but me) on that. I’m just a sub and I don’t know all the school policies”

You recent post did help me in that it never occurred to me to make my adult child with autism the beneficiary to my pension.   I am going to have 2 very small pensions from 2 different states, but that would give her a little more income.

Edited March 2, 2023 by City Mouse

[DawnM]

5 minutes ago, City Mouse said:

Yep, in the same boat.

As soon as my DH retires (5-6 years) from his current job, I will be done with public education. However, I did enjoy a previous stent as a long-term substitute. Whenever a parent started to unload on me, I could just say “You will need to check with ****(anyone but me) on that. I’m just a sub and I don’t know all the school policies”

You recent post did help me in that it never occurred to me to make my adult child with autism the beneficiary to my pension.   I am going to have 2 very small pensions from 2 different states, but that would give her a little more income.

I don't even know how I stumbled on this information, most of my colleagues don't know it exists.

Do you have a website with your retirement calculator on it?   

Just make sure you fully understand.

So, for example......just making up numbers but am close.

Dawn's retirement: 2,000/mo (no beneficiary)

Dawn's monthly retirement amount with 50% going to a beneficiary: $1700

Dawn's monthly retirement amount with 100% going to an older (like spouse) beneficiary: $1600

Dawn's monthly retirement amount with 100% going to a young beneficiary (like my son): $1400

So, I will take the lower amount for the rest of my years so that he can get that same amount until he dies.   Does that makes sense?   Just make sure to run the numbers.

How many years will you have in your Current state?   

 

[kbutton]

Never mind. Apparently when parents have to show up in person to fix an issue with another student, it's not a headache for the school counselor.

Edited March 2, 2023 by kbutton

[Carol in Cal.]

Just be careful that that income settled on your son does not make him ineligible for public benefits.  Maybe there is a way to structure it so that it goes into a special needs trust for him?  

[fraidycat]

@kbutton That sounds really frustrating, but I'm not seeing where the annoying kid had caused a teacher or counselor to quit their job. ??

[Arcadia]

My dad had to take anxiety medication when teaching at a particular school. He managed to transfer to a less stressful school and didn’t need to continue medication. Many of his colleagues had to see a psychiatrist. It is an ongoing problem but my friends who are still teaching said parents are definitely more demanding now and also more parents are being demanding. 
 

Hopefully the district has your back. 

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry, Dawn.

I'm sure that DS18's government teachers felt that way about me during the fall semester, because they heard from me via email every. single. week. It was a critical class for DS and could have prevented him from graduating. He has an IEP, and the team set up supports for this exact class and situation, and I still had to stay on top of it. I hated that and was always polite, though.

DS17 is taking that exact same class with the same teacher this semester, and I have not contacted the teachers even one time! So in my mind, I hope that helps the teachers adjust their opinion of me. In reality, they probably were glad to stop thinking about me the moment the fall semester ended!

It sounds like you have a really obnoxious parent to deal with.

[DawnM]

4 hours ago, kbutton said:

Never mind. Apparently when parents have to show up in person to fix an issue with another student, it's not a headache for the school counselor.

 

4 hours ago, fraidycat said:

@kbutton That sounds really frustrating, but I'm not seeing where the annoying kid had caused a teacher or counselor to quit their job. ??

I obviously missed something.

[DawnM]

4 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Just be careful that that income settled on your son does not make him ineligible for public benefits.  Maybe there is a way to structure it so that it goes into a special needs trust for him?  

We have that in mind.   So far, he has been denied assistance.   

[Kanin]

I'm sorry. That sounds so exhausting and horrible. 

[fraidycat]

14 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

I obviously missed something.

I think I did, too. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Not the first time I've been confused and won't be the last, I'm sure. 😁

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, Storygirl said:

I'm sorry, Dawn.

I'm sure that DS18's government teachers felt that way about me during the fall semester, because they heard from me via email every. single. week. It was a critical class for DS and could have prevented him from graduating. He has an IEP, and the team set up supports for this exact class and situation, and I still had to stay on top of it. I hated that and was always polite, though.

DS17 is taking that exact same class with the same teacher this semester, and I have not contacted the teachers even one time! So in my mind, I hope that helps the teachers adjust their opinion of me. In reality, they probably were glad to stop thinking about me the moment the fall semester ended!

It sounds like you have a really obnoxious parent to deal with.

If you did not send nasty emails in ALL CAPS telling the teacher that her work was UNACCEPTABLE you were probably ok.   🙄

[Sneezyone]

16 minutes ago, DawnM said:

If you did not send nasty emails in ALL CAPS telling the teacher that her work was UNACCEPTABLE you were probably ok.   🙄

Goodness no. That’s bad. I have sent a rather pointed email about the insane expense of marching band (still not sorry) that was about the cost vs the teacher. Public school marching band+performance ensembles should NOT cost anything close to four figures or have ever changing schedules. I stand by that.
 

I wonder if it wouldn’t be helpful for parents to have a portion of the ‘welcome back to school’ message devoted to communicating effectively with teachers. Even a handout. Examples of good/bad, to dos (like include the students/parents names and class block/section), etc. Is that something your admin could facilitate? Based on this thread, and my own experiences, I’m gonna bring this up at our next school advisory board (NOT the school board…just NO) meeting.

Edited March 2, 2023 by Sneezyone

[SKL]

19 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

...

I wonder if it wouldn’t be helpful for parents to have a portion of the ‘welcome back to school’ message devoted to communicating effectively with teachers. Even a handout. Examples of good/bad, to dos (like include the students/parents names and class block/section), etc. Is that something your admin could facilitate? Based on this thread, and my own experiences, I’m gonna bring this up at our next school advisory board (NOT the school board…just NO) meeting.

For some reason, your suggestion reminded me of the "instead of ... try saying" workplace humor in this link.  I wouldn't be surprised if there's a version related to parent-teacher conversations.  😛

https://www.hcamag.com/au/archived/alternatives-to-swearing-at-work/137928

(Sorry, totally unhelpful except for making some of us laugh all over again.)

[Sneezyone]

7 minutes ago, SKL said:

For some reason, your suggestion reminded me of the "instead of ... try saying" workplace humor in this link.  I wouldn't be surprised if there's a version related to parent-teacher conversations.  😛

https://www.hcamag.com/au/archived/alternatives-to-swearing-at-work/137928

(Sorry, totally unhelpful except for making some of us laugh all over again.)

At work we practice ‘yes, and’ vs. ‘no, but/because’ all the time. It moves the needle. I’m all about what actually works. 😎

[ktgrok]

10 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Parents are the reason a lot of good teachers I know gave up and found new careers. I can’t imagine trying to teach in today’s climate. What you do to make one parent happy will probably make two others mad anyway. It’s a lose lose situation. 

My sister is a principal and gets death threats. Regularly. Not from students - from parents. 

[Drama Llama]

54 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Goodness no. That’s bad. I have sent a rather pointed email about the insane expense of marching band (still not sorry) that was about the cost vs the teacher. Public school marching band+performance ensembles should NOT cost anything close to four figures or have ever changing schedules. I stand by that.
 

I wonder if it wouldn’t be helpful for parents to have a portion of the ‘welcome back to school’ message devoted to communicating effectively with teachers. Even a handout. Examples of good/bad, to dos (like include the students/parents names and class block/section), etc. Is that something your admin could facilitate? Based on this thread, and my own experiences, I’m gonna bring this up at our next school advisory board (NOT the school board…just NO) meeting.

I feel like the majority of parents, who are nice normal people, would be offended if they received an notice telling them not to do things like

-- Make death threats to the principal

-- Block every number associated with the school, including the 4 personal cellphones that your kid's teacher borrowed to call you (because the others were blocked) on the 4 different days you forgot to pick up your kid till more than 2 hours late, and then complain bitterly that you didn't know about the school watermain break because the robo call came from a number you blocked. 

-- When your child's teacher stops you at dismissal to tell you that your kindergartener went limp and fell to the ground to protest the fact that you wouldn't let her chase a butterfly she saw while crossing a busy street on a field trip, and she had to be picked up and carried to the other side because cars and trucks were coming, scream at her that if she ever touches your child again you will put her in jail, and that she should have stood in the middle of the busy street until mom answered the phone and then took the bus to come talk to her. 

-- When your child with a disability isn't cast in the High School school play because hid during their audition, told the drama teacher "I don't want to be in the play, my mom made me come" during the rescheduled auditions, and they sat on the stage and refused to move during dance auditions" accuse them of discrimination, and threaten to go to the news channel over it, even though other kids with the same diagnosis were cast.  

-- Buy your kid an apple watch, and then, when they are in the middle of a math test, start messaging them strings of curse words because when you woke up at noon and came downstairs there were dishes in the sink.  

I, by the way, have never done those things, and shockingly it's not because my kids' school told me what not to do.  I just, somehow, figured it out.  

[Sneezyone]

7 minutes ago, BandH said:

I feel like the majority of parents, who are nice normal people, would be offended if they received an notice telling them not to do things like

-- Make death threats to the principal

-- Block every number associated with the school, including the 4 personal cellphones that your kid's teacher borrowed to call you (because the others were blocked) on the 4 different days you forgot to pick up your kid till more than 2 hours late, and then complain bitterly that you didn't know about the school watermain break because the robo call came from a number you blocked. 

-- When your child's teacher stops you at dismissal to tell you that your kindergartener went limp and fell to the ground to protest the fact that you wouldn't let her chase a butterfly she saw while crossing a busy street on a field trip, and she had to be picked up and carried to the other side because cars and trucks were coming, scream at her that if she ever touches your child again you will put her in jail, and that she should have stood in the middle of the busy street until mom answered the phone and then took the bus to come talk to her. 

-- When your child with a disability isn't cast in the High School school play because hid during their audition, told the drama teacher "I don't want to be in the play, my mom made me come" during the rescheduled auditions, and they sat on the stage and refused to move during dance auditions" accuse them of discrimination, and threaten to go to the news channel over it, even though other kids with the same diagnosis were cast.  

-- Buy your kid an apple watch, and then, when they are in the middle of a math test, start messaging them strings of curse words because when you woke up at noon and came downstairs there were dishes in the sink.  

I, by the way, have never done those things, and shockingly it's not because my kids' school told me what not to do.  I just, somehow, figured it out.  

I can appreciate all that and yet, even for nice/normal parents, teachers can also be primed to receive any critique of the program/process as a personal one because they’re human. My band critique was met with so much skepticism and concern that the band director attended the next parent advisory meeting just to see what I would say/if I would throw him under the bus  despite me being VERY clear that my issues were cost and notice/schedule changes.  It’s still worth it to tell people what’s seen as reasonable/unreasonable and provide guidance. 
 

ETA: in my work life, we’ve received requests from neighborhood orgs for our DEI workshops. They, too, want to know how to communicate with the city more effectively. These things can be solved with intentionality and dialogue. Not saying it’s easy but it is possible.

Edited March 2, 2023 by Sneezyone

[itsheresomewhere]

1 hour ago, Sneezyone said:

Goodness no. That’s bad. I have sent a rather pointed email about the insane expense of marching band (still not sorry) that was about the cost vs the teacher. Public school marching band+performance ensembles should NOT cost anything close to four figures or have ever changing schedules. I stand by that.
 

I wonder if it wouldn’t be helpful for parents to have a portion of the ‘welcome back to school’ message devoted to communicating effectively with teachers. Even a handout. Examples of good/bad, to dos (like include the students/parents names and class block/section), etc. Is that something your admin could facilitate? Based on this thread, and my own experiences, I’m gonna bring this up at our next school advisory board (NOT the school board…just NO) meeting.

That would require reading it and listen both which have I found just can’t be done apparently.

Dawn, if you makes you feel any better pet parents are just as bad now.   

[Sneezyone]

14 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

That would require reading it and listen both which have I found just can’t be done apparently.

Dawn, if you makes you feel any better pet parents are just as bad now.   

Meh. You know what happens if you don’t try? Nothing. We do have a functional parent advisory board/ethos tho. That helps.

Edited March 3, 2023 by Sneezyone

[Storygirl]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

If you did not send nasty emails in ALL CAPS telling the teacher that her work was UNACCEPTABLE you were probably ok.   🙄

Oh dear! I'm sorry you received that. You definitely didn't deserve it!

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, Sneezyone said:

I can appreciate all that and yet, even for nice/normal parents, teachers can also be primed to receive any critique of the program/process as a personal one because they’re human. My band critique was met with so much skepticism and concern that the band director attended the next parent advisory meeting just to see what I would say/if I would throw him under the bus  despite me being VERY clear that my issues were cost and notice/schedule changes.  It’s still worth it to tell people what’s seen as reasonable/unreasonable and provide guidance. 
 

ETA: in my work life, we’ve received requests from neighborhood orgs for our DEI workshops. They, too, want to know how to communicate with the city more effectively. These things can be solved with intentionality and dialogue. Not saying it’s easy but it is possible.

I agree. It's easy for a parent to end up being "managed" or not being taken at their word if they speak up.

I identify with that kind of situation (bolded). 

[Sneezyone]

4 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I agree. It's easy for a parent to end up being "managed" or not being taken at their word if they speak up.

I identify with that kind of situation (bolded). 

As public employees we are often on the receiving end of negative stuff/vitriol. It sucks (I’ve literally hung up on abusive residents) AND sometimes there’s important information wrapped up in the mess that we need to tease out/unpack. It’s not either/or. The comments Dawn got may well be beyond the pale. IJS there are addl. reasons why this happens and it’s worth it to work on it systemwide.

[katilac]

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

We have that in mind.   So far, he has been denied assistance.   

Your pension is likely to be a lot more than assistance would be, so that's something to consider. 

[kbutton]

3 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

As public employees we are often on the receiving end of negative stuff/vitriol. It sucks (I’ve literally hung up on abusive residents) AND sometimes there’s important information wrapped up in the mess that we need to tease out/unpack. It’s not either/or. The comments Dawn got may well be beyond the pale. IJS there are addl. reasons why this happens and it’s worth it to work on it systemwide.

One thing doesn't completely negate the other, that's for sure!

 

[KungFuPanda]

Some parents believe that an IEP entitles them to a level of education that can only be achieved in a 1:1 tutoring situation. Heck, some parents believe this without an IEP because their child is more important than everyone else’s That’s just not logistically possible in a classroom setting where a teacher only works the hours they are paid to work.  Teachers absolutely expect to juggle and accommodate, but within the limits of whats possible in a school day should be good enough. 
 

What if you told the Karen “What you’re asking isn’t possible within the confines of my work day.”  She can hire a tutor for extra after hours service. 

[Kidlit]

Just before I resigned from my last teaching job, I had a parent who was angry at me because her son had plagiarized an assignment and I gave him a zero, per our school's policy and after discussion with the academic principal. She said she was angry at me because I didn't communicate with her about it.  However, I updated the online gradebook with an explanatory note, and I also expected some level of  communication with the parent and the high school student. She admitted that she did not check the online gradebook.  (This was also not the first time her son had cheated in my class. The first time he denied it and though I was 90+% sure he had, I gave him the benefit is the doubt.). Anyway, our conversation was on the phone and she ranted and raved for many minutes. I finally just told her that I didn't think there was anything else I could do to help her, so I hung up.  Not even thirty minutes later, she was at the school in person complaining about me.   Thank goodness for our academic principal who ran interference for me and handled the mom!  One of my few regrets about quitting involves being a little aggravated that this mom might think I quit or got fired because of her complaints.  
 

Parents. . . They often do make an already tough job twice as hard as it needs to be. 

[DawnM]

9 hours ago, katilac said:

Your pension is likely to be a lot more than assistance would be, so that's something to consider. 

Yeah although we will see if he actually qualifies for any assistance.   So far he does not.   I could see if the money could be funneled through a special needs trust.

[DawnM]

8 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Some parents believe that an IEP entitles them to a level of education that can only be achieved in a 1:1 tutoring situation. Heck, some parents believe this without an IEP because their child is more important than everyone else’s That’s just not logistically possible in a classroom setting where a teacher only works the hours they are paid to work.  Teachers absolutely expect to juggle and accommodate, but within the limits of whats possible in a school day should be good enough. 
 

What if you told the Karen “What you’re asking isn’t possible within the confines of my work day.”  She can hire a tutor for extra after hours service. 

Is this directed at me?   

[KungFuPanda]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

Is this directed at me?   

Sorta. I kind of wonder what she would say if a teacher told her they were unwilling to do unpaid labor to keep up with her communications/demands. I do understand not wanting to rile up the crazies though.  Sometimes people don’t consider how much time they’re consuming. Email gives parents constant access to teachers but now teachers have full inboxes to manage as well as a classroom full of students. 

[Storygirl]

4 hours ago, DawnM said:

Yeah although we will see if he actually qualifies for any assistance.   So far he does not.   I could see if the money could be funneled through a special needs trust.

Unless the retirement system has rules that prohibit this (which I suppose is possible, but I think is unlikely), you can do this. The way it works:

1. The special needs trust is the beneficiary of the retirement account, so the money goes to the trust, not the person. Legally, then the trust, instead of the individual, owns the assets, so the individual can still qualify for disability.

2. The trustee who manages the trust then dispenses funds to the individual. The best way to do this is to put the money into an ABLE account, because funds (up to a certain amount) do not count against the asset limits for disability funding.

3. Money from the ABLE account can then be used for qualifying expenses. You can look up what qualifies -- most things do. I suppose this can vary, but the ABLE accounts in our state can have a debit card attached, so the individual can draw funds from it, just like any bank account.

4. Then the individual's regular bank account can be kept at a level that will allow them to keep qualifying for government assistance.

This is all legal. ABLE accounts were created for this purpose. If the individual dies with money in the ABLE account and has used government assistance, the government is allowed to reclaim funds from the account, to pay taxpayers back. Which at first gave me pause, but it made sense when I thought it through.

[Storygirl]

As for qualifying for disability assistance -- the law firm that set up our special needs trust will be helping us apply for SSI for DS. They know the ropes and are very successful at identifying people who will qualify. If your son has been unable to finish education and work, due to disability, I think it's worth actually applying to see what happens. Our lawyer will not charge us for helping with the application, because they will get paid by the government to assist.

[DawnM]

5 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Sorta. I kind of wonder what she would say if a teacher told her they were unwilling to do unpaid labor to keep up with her communications/demands. I do understand not wanting to rile up the crazies though.  Sometimes people don’t consider how much time they’re consuming. Email gives parents constant access to teachers but now teachers have full inboxes to manage as well as a classroom full of students. 

Gotcha,  I just wondered because I am not a teacher, I am a school counselor and all of it is during the school day.