I could use some support

[Not_a_Number]

This isn't a JAWM, but as the subject line says... I could use some support. 

DH has now been out of the house for a month and a half. It's been a really good thing. Things have stabilized a lot. The kids have gotten used to the schedule and are feeling a lot better than when the house was full of tension and/or fighting. The space is unequivocally good for DH. I like feeling the apartment is a safe space that I can be in charge of -- it wasn't feeling emotionally safe with DH at home. 

But it's so HARD. We've both realized that we're going to need all of our issues on the table and discussed before we can take a longer break so he can really process things. We've been talking a lot, and the conversations have been hard. DH benefits from the space, but also from my eyes... I see him well, much better than he sees himself, so my input is really helpful for him. And he's no good at taking the space for himself, even now. So it's a constant push and pull... we talk and talk, I give him space, we talk some more, I give him space, rinse and repeat. 

And it's just HARD. Every time I pull away when we stop talking, I'm afraid. I realized recently I have a serious fear of abandonment (my mom was divorced twice by the time I was 11, which is also when we moved from Ukraine to Canada. Enough said.) Every time we get further apart, I get a feeling of primitive panic. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I'm too snippy with the kids. And the kids are hard, too. Intense, gifted, emotional. They don't do at all well with consequences. We use a lot of stuff from The Explosive Child and it really helps. But some days, it's so hard having so many things depend on negotiation and on my self-control. 

I try to do my best. I tell them when I'm in a bad mood and try to keep to undemanding interactions those days. I make it clear to them it's not their fault. I own my feelings, I apologize if I'm not doing well. And things are definitely better than they were. The kids are doing pretty well. They are feeling safe. 

It's just all so hard 😕 . Some days, putting one foot in front of the other is all I can muster. 

I've been meaning to talk to some friends about all this, but frankly, I haven't had the energy. And I don't have family I can talk to at all. My mom's narcissistic and useless. I haven't even told her we're having trouble (although I did tell her I was going through some difficult stuff and asked her to stop texting.) I'm not close to any father figures. My sister's more like my kid. My one attempt at therapy was worse than useless (although I'll probably muster and keep looking at some point. But again, that requires energy.) 

Anyway, it's all just hard. I suppose I want some reassurance that I'm doing OK, given where we are. I feel like I'm doing my best. It's just some days my best doesn't seem like it's very good at all. 

[saraha]

Ah, hugs to you.

[MEmama]

Sending ((hugs)) and strength.

 

[smstjohn]

It sounds really hard and that you are trying your best. And you're trying your best for FOUR people! That's exhausting in so many ways and it's impossible to be perfect all the time for all people in all things.

Deep breaths and small steps or even just getting through a day is still better than nothing going on at all. Give yourself grace please and if you don't mind terribly, I'll be praying for you and your family.

[TechWife]

Sending hugs.

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, smstjohn said:

It sounds really hard and that you are trying your best. And you're trying your best for FOUR people! That's exhausting in so many ways and it's impossible to be perfect all the time for all people in all things.

Deep breaths and small steps or even just getting through a day is still better than nothing going on at all. Give yourself grace please and if you don't mind terribly, I'll be praying for you and your family.

Thank you :-). 

And I don't mind at all! Good wishes are always appreciated, even if it's not what I do myself. 

[mom31257]

I'm sorry things are so hard! I've not been in your situation, but it sounds like you are doing all you can and doing the best possible with the situation. None of us are perfect. We will never do everything just right. Allow yourself to be okay with that! 

Praying for you to have peace, strength, and wisdom! 

 

[Rosie_0801]

You are doing as well as anyone could reasonably expect. Crying isn't failure. Snippy moods are inevitable.

Just keep talking to your kids and explaining how pain and trauma work. If they understand how the ugly parts of life work, they can process and be as little messed up as anyone can reasonably expect.

None of us get through life unscathed.

Life is hard and most of us don't get to skate though like the sodding Brady Bunch.

[Pawz4me]

Hugs. Doing our best is all any of us can do, even when our best isn't all that great. We're all human.

[Not_a_Number]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

You are doing as well as anyone could reasonably expect. Crying isn't failure. Snippy moods are inevitable.

Just keep talking to your kids and explaining how pain and trauma work. If they understand how the ugly parts of life work, they can process and be as little messed up as anyone can reasonably expect.

None of us get through life unscathed.

Life is hard and most of us don't get to skate though like the sodding Brady Bunch.

Thank you.

Trauma and feelings are big topics around here nowadays. 

You know, I've never actually seen the Brady Bunch... 

Edited February 28, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Rosie_0801]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

You know, I've never actually seen the Brady Bunch... 

Now's probably not the time, unless it would be cathartic to shout "PRIVILEGE" at fictional people...

[Katy]

It sounds like you’re doing the best you can.  Hugs

[freesia]

That is all so hard. I see you doing really well. You really are.  You are getting through one step at a time with a lot of self-awareness. You—none of us—are ever going to get through hard times without it looking really messy bc there is no one key to fix everything or handle everything. And while dh is getting space, you are solo parenting and homeschooling intense children. It’s actually probably better that you are snippy and apologize than to pretend you have it all together. I am so sorry that you are going through this, though. I, too, will pray for you. 

[Not_a_Number]

17 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Now's probably not the time, unless it would be cathartic to shout "PRIVILEGE" at fictional people...

🤣

Man, I wish I could react to your posts. The disadvantages of being a mod... 

[kristin0713]

You’re doing great. Go easy on yourself! All of this is really hard. I do recommend that you try to find a therapist that you click with. It might be the best thing you can do for yourself and the kids. 

[Not_a_Number]

To give DH his due, I'm not solo parenting. He's spending time with the kids. I'd probably go totally insane if I didn't get some breaks. (Well, I'd get some babysitting is what I'd do.) 

I'm certainly the one providing the structure, though. 

But then I always was. That's kind of how we got here. 

[Harriet Vane]

It sounds really tough. I'm so sorry. Sending warm hugs your way and praying for you.

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, kristin0713 said:

You’re doing great. Go easy on yourself! All of this is really hard. I do recommend that you try to find a therapist that you click with. It might be the best thing you can do for yourself and the kids. 

I'll look when I get the energy. I don't want to get into a long discussion about it, but I have some doubts about therapy being the right thing for me given my personality. But I'll probably give it a try. 

The appointment I did try made me feel MUCH needier. And being needy is a disaster when there's no one to talk to except DH, because there's just nowhere for the bad energy to go. 

I'm trying to conserve my energy. Our life has taken so much out of me that there's a long, long list of things I should have gotten done in the last couple of years and haven't. Routine stuff: we moved recently, we need to organize/buy things/etc. We have doctor's appointments. I need to finally get a pair of glasses -- I can do without, but I can't drive at night without anymore. I need to find times to keep in touch with people. I need to keep sorting out our homeschooling, which was pretty wonky a few years ago -- hard kids, a tense time, a pandemic. 

So I'm checking things off. I'm trusting myself about when the season's right for things. Things are getting done, finally. 

[Melissa Louise]

It's really hard.

You are doing better than OK.

~

Edited to remove question about dad's role in caring for the kids. Glad you get a break then.

Edited February 28, 2023 by Melissa Louise

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

Is your dh sharing the parenting aka taking the kids to his place for part of the week?

Good question. You're right, I need the breaks. 

I'm guessing you didn't see my answer above, but I should answer in more detail, anyway: yes, he's spending plenty of time with the kids. Thankfully, it's really important to him. 

He's staying at hotels, so it's not at his place. It's mostly either out and about or occasionally at our apartment, either when I'm not home or in the back room. (Things are pretty friendly right now, so this arrangement is working fine so far. We don't interact in the place.) 

[Kassia]

52 minutes ago, mom31257 said:

I'm sorry things are so hard! I've not been in your situation, but it sounds like you are doing all you can and doing the best possible with the situation. None of us are perfect. We will never do everything just right. Allow yourself to be okay with that! 

Praying for you to have peace, strength, and wisdom! 

 

Beautifully said and just what I wanted to express.  Big hugs to you @Not_a_Number

[YaelAldrich]

I think you are trying hard to be a support for everyone at every time.  That is admirable.  But also extremely hard.  You should give yourself grace and kindness; at least as much as you give to those around you.

Knowing all too much about therapy...

Spoiler

(through personal and marital therapies), you do feel needy during the process.  Precisely because the therapist-client relationship is one-sided and there to give you and only you space and time to hash out all the messiness of your relationships (and life).  We have used and found Emotionally Focused Therapists (EFT) to be essential at working out the emotional tangle and abandonment galore of our marriage and for myself to thoughtfully come to a place where I could forgive people for mostly unforgiveable actions and my husband separately to understand his narcissistic mother (and ancestors) and enabling father.  I know you don't want to engage in therapy.  But where are you going to get support for yourself?

If you want me to delete this let me know and I will.

Edited February 28, 2023 by YaelAldrich
put the therapy stuff in a spoiler format to be kind

[lmrich]

hugs and love to you

[matrips]

I missed earlier posts on what the issues are, but there are some long term couples that live next door to each other, and not with each other.  My dhs relative has been with the same guy for probably 30 years, and they lived next door to each other for most of that.  They weren’t seeing anyone else, they just needed that extra space.  They do live in the same house now but their rooms are on opposite sides.  Lol.  It works for them.  Anyway, just trying to say that staying together but living separately can be a thing.  Staying together doesn’t have to necessarily mean living in the same house. 

Edited February 28, 2023 by matrips

[Not_a_Number]

7 minutes ago, YaelAldrich said:

I think you are trying hard to be a support for everyone at every time.  That is admirable.  But also extremely hard.  You should give yourself grace and kindness; at least as much as you give to those around you.

Knowing all too much about therapy...

  Hide contents

(through personal and marital therapies), you do feel needy during the process.  Precisely because the therapist-client relationship is one-sided and there to give you and only you space and time to hash out all the messiness of your relationships (and life).  We have used and found Emotionally Focused Therapists (EFT) to be essential at working out the emotional tangle and abandonment galore of our marriage and for myself to thoughtfully come to a place where I could forgive people for mostly unforgiveable actions and my husband separately to understand his narcissistic mother (and ancestors) and enabling father.  I know you don't want to engage in therapy.  But where are you going to get support for yourself?

If you want me to delete this let me know and I will.

I don't need you to delete it. But it wasn't a good kind of needy. I didn't feel like I'd ever be able to open up to her. It didn't feel like support. It made me feel like I'd need support to deal with the therapy 😕 . 

I'll look for someone I click with more when I have the mental space. If you want more details on what happened, they're in the therapy thread. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, matrips said:

I missed earlier posts on what the issues are, but there are some long term couples that live next door to each other, and not with each other.  My dhs relatives has been with the same guy for probably 30 years, and they lived next door to each other for most of that.  They weren’t seeing anyone else, they just needed that extra space.  They do live in the same house now but their rooms are on opposite sides.  Lol.  It works for them.  Anyway, just trying to say that staying together but living separately can be a thing.  Staying together doesn’t have to necessarily mean living in the same house. 

I know of a couple with this arrangement too. They live in adjoining condos. I think they are actually divorced but they still have a level of commitment to one another, just minus all the enmeshment I guess. (I mean…this does not sound so bad to me!) 

NaN, I wish you peace and comfort. It really is hard, I’m sure!

[Melissa Louise]

I agree about your own support, and/but it doesn't need to be therapeutic (I know, changed my tune...for you...not for me!)

I do kind of have a strong feeling that IRL support is superior to online, but other people's mileage may differ.

A trusted parent I assume fills this role for some. A very good friend. A religious or spiritual guide. An advisor of some kind. A writer or other mentor.

I know some people like support groups for others dealing with similar issues.

 

[Not_a_Number]

I could use some support. I wish I had family that was a comfort and not just people I need to protect myself from. For now, you guys might be it. Thanks for being there for me. 

I have lots of friends in NY, but most not close enough to really talk to. And I do have trouble being vulnerable. I'm very self-aware -- I'm proud of that -- and it means I come off as superficially very open... but it's not the same thing as being vulnerable. 

I have a really good friend back in Austin I've been meaning to keep in better touch with. (I actually wound up crying on her shoulder last time before DH and I separated for the first time... we were visiting them on our road trip when I realized I couldn't go forward as things were... it was really helpful.) I miss her. I was thinking of scheduling a weekly phone date with her... but again, I have such a long list of things to do, and that hasn't been the most urgent thing. It's definitely on the list, though. 

Edited February 28, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Not_a_Number]

It's interesting. I don't feel defensive about the therapy anymore now that I've tried it again. That's kind of why I tried it... I was feeling really defensive when people brought it up, and I realized that meant I wasn't giving it a fair shake. 

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, Not_a_Number said:

 

The appointment I did try made me feel MUCH needier. And being needy is a disaster when there's no one to talk to except DH, because there's just nowhere for the bad energy to go. 

 

So I'm checking things off. I'm trusting myself about when the season's right for things. Things are getting done, finally. 

I think it’s good to know what you didn’t like about therapy. It should make you feel seen and heard. It should offer some relief.

You mentioned finding time to keep in touch with people—I hope at least one is someone you can be yourself with. 

Getting things slowly off the list is a really good sign of life. 

It is hard to be the one that makes things work out right in the end—it’s not always possible to step out of that role. You are doing a good job of identifying what is going well and what is not.

I hope you get some time to let out some of that stress. I am not someone that gets a lot of relief from physical activity, but digging in the dirt is seriously therapeutic—like on my butt planting and transplanting things (supposedly microbes make a difference). And oddly, doing something silly now and then—could be finding the car the spins the best on the Tilt-o-whirl so that I laugh until I cry or just making fun of something innocuous that strikes me as absurd. Those little bits of relief are wonderful.

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, kbutton said:

I think it’s good to know what you didn’t like about therapy. It should make you feel seen and heard. It should offer some relief.

Yeah. That's what I'd want, for sure. It's just that feeling seen and heard is rare for me 😕 . I don't click with people easily. DH is probably the person I've clicked with best in my whole life. We're best friends 😕 . We've also managed to build a bad partnership on a rotten foundation. 

 

Just now, kbutton said:

You mentioned finding time to keep in touch with people—I hope at least one is someone you can be yourself with. 

Yes, thankfully. I'm a bit worried about loading my Austin friend too much, though. But maybe just talking would be good. Not even necessarily about this. 

 

Just now, kbutton said:

Getting things slowly off the list is a really good sign of life. 

It feels like such a relief. 

 

Just now, kbutton said:

It is hard to be the one that makes things work out right in the end—it’s not always possible to step out of that role. You are doing a good job of identifying what is going well and what is not.

Thank you. 

 

Just now, kbutton said:

I hope you get some time to let out some of that stress. I am not someone that gets a lot of relief from physical activity, but digging in the dirt is seriously therapeutic—like on my butt planting and transplanting things (supposedly microbes make a difference). And oddly, doing something silly now and then—could be finding the car the spins the best on the Tilt-o-whirl so that I laugh until I cry or just making fun of something innocuous that strikes me as absurd. Those little bits of relief are wonderful.

I try to take walks. It really helps. I'm looking forward to spring and the walks being more comfortable and more beautiful. 

[Melissa Louise]

6 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I could use some support. I wish I had family that was a comfort and not just people I need to protect myself from. For now, you guys might be it. Thanks for being there for me. 

I have lots of friends in NY, but most not close enough to really talk to. And I do have trouble being vulnerable. I'm very self-aware -- I'm proud of that -- and it means I come off as superficially very open... but it's not the same thing as being vulnerable. 

I have a really good friend back in Austin I've been meaning to keep in better touch with. (I actually wound up crying on her shoulder last time before DH and I separated for the first time... we were visiting them on our road trip when I realized I couldn't go forward as things were... it was really helpful.) I miss her. I was thinking of scheduling a weekly phone date with her... but again, I have such a long list of things to do, and that hasn't been the most urgent thing. It's definitely on the list, though. 

OK, you know that you are absolutely free to ignore me, with no hard feelings...but if this were me, I'd move that one up the list. You're holding the family together at the moment; keeping you in good working order is probably the most urgent task there is!

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

OK, you know that you are absolutely free to ignore me, with no hard feelings...but if this were me, I'd move that one up the list. You're holding the family together at the moment; keeping you in good working order is probably the most urgent task there is!

Oh, for sure. I agree. 

But I'm a pretty serious introvert. An introvert who likes to run things at that, so an introvert with quite a lot of social time. (I run our co-op, I teach classes, I tutor.) So to recharge, I mostly need breaks and walks at this point. 

I do look forward to keeping in touch. But it doesn't feel urgent. I'm listening to my gut on this stuff. 

[kbutton]

3 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Yes, thankfully. I'm a bit worried about loading my Austin friend too much, though. But maybe just talking would be good. Not even necessarily about this.

You don’t have to figure it out all at once. I think it’s worth trying to talk regularly.

[Carol in Cal.]

OK, a question.  If your husband needs your eyes, and you’ve got his back, who has yours?  Somebody has to have yours.  Also, just in general, if you always have your husband’s back and he never has yours, is that a dynamic that you are willing to live with long term?  Because it sounds difficult and a bit lonely.  I wonder whether there is someone else who could hold that space for him professionally.  That might be setting up a better pattern for the long run.

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Carol in Cal. said:

OK, a question.  If your husband needs your eyes, and you’ve got his back, who has yours?  Somebody has to have yours.  Also, just in general, if you always have your husband’s back and he never has yours, is that a dynamic that you are willing to live with long term?  Because it sounds difficult and a bit lonely.  I wonder whether there is someone else who could hold that space for him professionally.  That might be setting up a better pattern for the long run.

No one's got my back. It's hard. I know why you say that "someone has to," but as it happens, there's no one. 

No, that's not a dynamic I'm willing to live with long term. Not in the least. That's why we're living apart. To figure out whether another dynamic is possible. 

We've thought about whether there's someone else that could do this for him. It's a very reasonable recommendation. We're considering it. The dial is currently hovering near "I'm probably the best option," but that could change. He could decide something else would be better. I could decide I don't want to do it. I'm looking at all the options without fear right now.  

[Not_a_Number]

9 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

 If your husband needs your eyes, and you’ve got his back, who has yours?  Somebody has to have yours.

You know, I really appreciate you saying that. I've said that to DH many times. Who has my back? Where are they? 

It's nice to hear someone else say it. 

[Melissa Louise]

Yeah, you deserve to have someone have your back.

It makes a difference when you do.

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

Yeah, you deserve to have someone have your back.

It makes a difference when you do.

So I hear. It sounds nice. 

[Not_a_Number]

OK, my computer is about to kick me off... I'll talk to you all tomorrow. Thanks so much for listening and all the input. 

[Melissa Louise]

2 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

So I hear. It sounds nice. 

It can be surprisingly difficult to accept, even when offered.

Anyway, point is, you're doing well in really hard circumstances. It hope there's some relief from the difficulties in sight.

[Corraleno]

I know what it's like to be the person trying to hold it all together when things are falling apart and you're doing everything you can to mitigate the damage for everyone else while you're barely holding yourself together while fighting exhaustion and sometimes despair. I also have a dysfunctional family-of-origin that is zero support, and I didn't want to discuss problems with friends who knew us both as a couple because I didn't want private issues to be a source of gossip in our friend group.

I did have a tight-knit group of online friends who were very supportive, and I found a really nice therapist whose function for me was for support only. I was not there to "work on myself" or do a deep dive into "what went wrong" in the relationship, I was there so I could have a place to go for an hour a week and cry my eyes out and have someone tell me that she totally understood and I was doing a great job in terrible circumstances and she was certain that I would come out the other side in a good place. She also told me I was breathing wrong (lol) and recommended some guided meditation CDs by Jon Kabat-Zinn, which I actually found really helpful because I was running on pure adrenaline, in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, and not getting any sleep. Listening to those CDs allowed me to turn my mind off and actually let my body relax, even just for half an hour, in way that I really really needed.

Sending hugs and good thoughts and assurances that whatever happens with your relationship, you are a strong, smart, capable person and you will come out the other side of this. (((hugs)))

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I know what it's like to be the person trying to hold it all together when things are falling apart and you're doing everything you can to mitigate the damage for everyone else while you're barely holding yourself together while fighting exhaustion and sometimes despair. I also have a dysfunctional family-of-origin that is zero support, and I didn't want to discuss problems with friends who knew us both as a couple because I didn't want private issues to be a source of gossip in our friend group.

I did have a tight-knit group of online friends who were very supportive, and I found a really nice therapist whose function for me was for support only. I was not there to "work on myself" or do a deep dive into "what went wrong" in the relationship, I was there so I could have a place to go for an hour a week and cry my eyes out and have someone tell me that she totally understood and I was doing a great job in terrible circumstances and she was certain that I would come out the other side in a good place. She also told me I was breathing wrong (lol) and recommended some guided meditation CDs by Jon Kabat-Zinn, which I actually found really helpful because I was running on pure adrenaline, in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, and not getting any sleep. Listening to those CDs allowed me to turn my mind off and actually let my body relax, even just for half an hour, in way that I really really needed.

Sending hugs and good thoughts and assurances that whatever happens with your relationship, you are a strong, smart, capable person and you will come out the other side of this. (((hugs)))

I absolutely adore this model of therapy being a place for someone to tell you you are doing a great job. Because not everyone who needs therapy is doing anything wrong.  Sometimes we just need a hug. I think that is why I have never benefited from therapy because I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by strong friends who just listen and pat me and hug me and tell me ‘there there’ and sometimes tell me how horrible the other person is.  Someone telling me how to breath through trauma would be a huge bonus though. 

 

[Melissa Louise]

Supportive counselling its own thing.

https://bluepages.anu.edu.au/psychological-treatments/supportive-counselling/

Just to be nit-picky, it's not the same thing as therapy, but it has its own benefits.

[fairfarmhand]

I get it. Some of us are very good emotionally and that means that we manage to end up around people who can often skate by emotionally. And we overfunction to compensate for their lack. 
I’m sorry you’re struggling and even more I’m sorry you’ve not found someone to lighten your load. Earlier in my homeschooling journey all my friends were in 5 years of my age. Now that my kids are older I have a few friends who are older too. Like over a decade older than me. One of my close friends is 74. These older ladies are priceless to me In listening and supporting me.  
anyway, all that to say, I hope someone comes along of any age that you click with so you can get what you need.

Edited February 28, 2023 by fairfarmhand

[fraidycat]

Hugs @Not_a_Number, you are doing hard things. Crying and moods are not necessarily bad. Recognizing your fear is also good because now you've got something that you can work on overcoming and can put words to what is happening to talk yourself through. Like "this is just my fear of abandonment talking, but I'm stronger than my fear" or something like that.

Just a side note in defense of the Brady Bunch, they are a blended family, so I'm going to assume some sort of traumatic background for all parties in which spouses and parents are "lost". I'm not sure if it's to divorce or death or what, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

And I do have trouble being vulnerable. I'm very self-aware -- I'm proud of that -- and it means I come off as superficially very open... but it's not the same thing as being vulnerable. 

Ohh! My gosh. This makes *so much sense* to me. I just realized you’re not the only one this describes. 

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, fraidycat said:

Hugs @Not_a_Number, you are doing hard things. Crying and moods are not necessarily bad. Recognizing your fear is also good because now you've got something that you can work on overcoming and can put words to what is happening to talk yourself through. Like "this is just my fear of abandonment talking, but I'm stronger than my fear" or something like that.

Just a side note in defense of the Brady Bunch, they are a blended family, so I'm going to assume some sort of traumatic background for all parties in which spouses and parents are "lost". I'm not sure if it's to divorce or death or what, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

In the Brady Bunch it was death. 

[MercyA]

It sounds like you are doing your best, and that's all anyone can do!

Sending love and hugs. For what it's worth, we've got your back. 

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, MercyA said:

It sounds like you are doing your best, and that's all anyone can do!

Sending love and hugs. For what it's worth, we've got your back. 

In some of my worst times, on line support is literally what saved me.  At that time it wasn’t this board but a marriage board.  They helped me with specific practical details and helped me re focus when I was completely falling apart.  I was not in a position to tell anyone IRL at first. 
 

Sometimes it is difficult to sort through and ignore the mean people and I haven’t always done that well…but over all the online support I have received has been wonderful.