Update Plot twist——Sitting here stunned

[Scarlett]

Just now, pinball said:

How much of this mentality of “having the truth come out” has to do with your idea of sexual sin, @Scarlett?

I get the feeling that given your conservative religion and the idea that pre and extra martial sex is sinful, that you might see this as some kind of punishment for that

🙄 No.  

[lauraw4321]

I’m on 23 and Me with my real name, no photo. I had a distant relative reach out and his message was so heartbreaking. He explained that he had been told his whole life that X was his father but he didn’t know for sure or have any way of finding out. He stated over and over he didn’t want money or to cause problems, he just wanted to know whether who he was told was his father was actually his father. I connected him with my uncle who knew how father - a great uncle of mine. The dots were connected. He was so grateful even though his father is long gone. 
 

Edit - his father was my great great uncle. 

Edited February 14, 2023 by lauraw4321
Correction

[BronzeTurtle]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

No.  
 

And sometimes people say things like ‘I can’t imagine’ when they are really saying FOR ME!  Of course I can imagine people feeling differently. I have seen it over and over.  I don’t really understand why people feel the need to school me.  If y’all don’t like my take on life that’s ok. 

I guess I'm commenting on your posts on a public message board. if we're going by publicly available information being fair game, then ???

and for what it's worth I definitely read the "I can't imagine" sentiment as literally not being able to envision another reality outside of one's own or thinking differently (or at least that's how I use the phrase). so that's my fault for being too literal.

[Lecka]

I am just not reading tone in the same way as some people.  I use “lol” as a softening thing, about something that’s awkward.  I don’t use it to mean “ha ha ha.”  I don’t read it as dismissive or mean-spirited.  

But I am learning lately some of “my” things I type, don’t come across the same way to others. 
 

Anyway, I am not reading things in the same way.  
 

Separately, I also wondered earlier if paternity tests being available might be preventing pregnancies, too, because maybe there are men who will be more likely to use condoms now that they know there could be a paternity test.  OR that 20 years in the future they could be contacted by a child.  
 

It’s really different from when a man could just say he wasn’t the father, and nobody could prove otherwise.  
 

I don’t know if that’s realistic or not, but I think it’s possible it’s prevented a lot of pregnancies?  

[kbutton]

Generally speaking, I feel like people need to start watching Finding Your Roots--I feel like it would give people a lot better grounding in how complicated the real world is and has always been. 

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

The child of an infidelity would not be the one who ruined your life.   Your parent who cheated, tried to hide the "sin" and kept it from you is the one who ruined your life!   Although your life doesn't have to be ruined.   It can be shocking, it can be difficult, but it is up to the recipient as to how they let it affect their life.

I agree. I've seen dozens of people affected by lies, but the worst I've seen from the truth is an adopted person not wanting to know about birth parents when a sibling (twin) sought the information, and a woman who gave a baby up for adoption say she doesn't want to be contacted (and she's not been contacted so far). That's it. But the devastation from secrets and the joy at having some part of the secret made right later? I've seen that over and over and over.

I've also seen the devastation of a secret being made right too late for the person to be able to know about a sibling while they were both alive--they still are glad to know (and they actually knew this person as a family friend), and they have relationships with nephews. They are not angry at finding out the information; they are angry about the lie.

Most of the situations I know about played out long BEFORE people could find out about their DNA. In some cases, people were ultimately connected by a DNA search, but they had discovered the secret long before that, and DNA was just helping to make things right. 

Rape is another story, but it's not universally true that all women who are pregnant from rape don't want to raise the baby of their rapist or that children conceived in rape who know the truth are devastated. I know someone who is a child of rape raised by his biological mother, and he's an open book and an incredibly kind human. IIRC, it was much more difficult for him to have grown up so poor that he had no running water in his home. I think we need to be careful how we universalize responses to rape. His is not everyone's experience, but neither is it universal that unmasking rape or that raising a child who was conceived in rape is traumatizing across the board. 

2 hours ago, Emba said:

Like I said, I think you underestimate how it would affect someone who doesn’t already know their family situation is complicated. I can see someone signing off on the disclaimer about it bringing up family secrets but then being really upset when that is not just theoretical anymore, because they really didn’t believe it could happen TO THEM. If I have half siblings out there conceived during my parents’ marriage, then either my father or my mother is not who they presented themselves as in a big way.  The same would be true of my DH’s family, with the added complication of his mother being  dead. So even if there were some sort of extenuating circumstance like rape, she wouldn’t be able to explain it. It would be devastating, and DH is much more of an avoider  of unpleasant emotions than I am.

There are many secrets just as devastating that could come out without a DNA test, and no one is guaranteed a life free of that information. They just aren't. 

I am keeping an in-law's family secret...for now. My kids will know someday. It's a horrible secret, but it's not mine to tell. However, the person whose secret it is has made comments in front of other people about it, and the reason I know the secret is because I followed up on those comments. It's a family that is not very intuitive, and they think this person just says weird things sometimes, so if something like this is said, then people shrug it off. The person making the comments was crying out for someone to know, so I think it will eventually come to light once a particular family member is dead (there is zero reason for this person to know because this person is drama). In this case, it put comments from a long dead family member into a new light. I told DH that if someone showed up on our doorstep someday claiming something scandalous (I suspect criminal), we need to be ready to say, "I think I need to hear your story." 

People can choose to think through how they would respond in a situation like this. It's a thought exercise for some and a reality for others, just like it is to think through what you'd do if your child got pregnant, you got a cancer diagnosis, your spouse was hit by a drunk driver, or you have a child born with a severe disability. 

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

People don't give up children for adoption on a whim - often the backstory involves painful situations.

Not exactly on a whim, but I've lived long enough to know that some people give up child after child for adoption or to birth child after child knowing they will be taken into custody immediately because they are an unfit parent. I know because I know families that adopted children from that exact situation.

2 hours ago, Spryte said:

Because it feels like some people might be imagining something much more involuntary, like the sister did DNA testing to get medical info and didn’t agree to make her DNA public with knowledge that she might be contacted by unknown relatives. 

While people use sites like 23 and Me for medical information, they are not truly medical DNA companies. When someone gets genetic testing from a medical company, they look for specific things, not heritage, not DNA matches, etc. It's not really even part of the test. Most of the time, people are testing for a specific gene or set of genes to confirm a diagnosis. Once in a while, if they can't pinpoint a diagnosis, or someone is part of a study, they might do whole exome sequencing (I think that's the right term). My son has a genetic disorder. He was tested via a panel of genes that could explain his condition. He had two mutations, one of which is unlikely to cause his issues. When they tested DH and I, they tested us for just the pathogenic gene, not the whole panel because my son's issue was already identified (he has a presumed spontaneous mutation--if we had additional children with similar traits, they'd have to do additional testing to see if DH or I were mosaic for the condition). We were negative, so they didn't test any additional family members. Most medical genetic testing works exactly that way. Theoretically, they could find a match by noticing that someone's very specific familial genetic change is uploaded to a variant database (like a 2nd cousin once-removed who got tested with out even knowing another branch of the family is experiencing similar health issues*), but even then, I think they would have to do additional testing to determine parentage, and I not sure they would ethically be allowed to disclose that to any person being tested. They might be able to ask if we know of other family members with a genetic diagnosis. Medical genetic testing has a lot more stringent regulations attached than "recreational" DNA testing does. 

*I have far-flung distant cousins who have health issues that are consistent with my branch of the family tree--those issues appear to have siloed into certain branches of the family while other branches are left untouched, and if we didn't bump into each other on FB, we wouldn't know! When I say distant cousins, I mean people I could legally marry, lol! While there were no consanguine relationships in the family tree in the last five or six generations (which is all we know unless someone decides to go overseas and do research), there were cases of a siblings from one family marrying siblings from another family and producing double-cousins, so it upped the odds of these branches of the family having overlapping issues.

[Janeway]

14 hours ago, Scarlett said:

It seems to me a lot of you have an unrealistic idea of what it means to be on a dna site and make contact with blood relatives.  None of these people I have met on line have intruded into my life in any way that I did not want,  I have never met any of them in person although I have plans to meet up with one or two.

I hope most of what you are saying is out of ignorance and that none of you would block and delete your sibling,  

I think you are under estimating the trauma this young woman is feeling or about to feel if she is just now learning this. There will also be a lot of pain from her family members who now potentially wonder who they are to her when they find out she is not biologically related. 

[kristin0713]

Well I am really late to this thread and stopped reading around page three. @Scarlett I hope she reaches out to you. I would definitely want to meet her if I were in your shoes! I am super interested in this stuff but kind of don't want my DNA in a database. My parents have already done it, though. They connected with relatives in Ireland and even visited them! I know that I have cousins that we were estranged from on my paternal grandfather's side and I have always wondered about them. Growing up in a super large Italian and Irish family, there were always so.many.cousins. but I still did wonder about the ones I never got to meet. 

[maize]

One thing to be aware of if she does return your message Scarlett is that it might not be immediately obvious to her whether she is your known father's child or whether you might be her known father's child. 

[Scarlett]

26 minutes ago, maize said:

One thing to be aware of if she does return your message Scarlett is that it might not be immediately obvious to her whether she is your known father's child or whether you might be her known father's child. 

Yes, I thought of that immediately. I know she will have to work through it and once she figures  out there are two of us and we share a father the truth will be obvious.  

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, I thought of that immediately. I know she will have to work through it and once she figures  out there are two of us and we share a father the truth will be obvious.  

And see.. I guess for me, I wouldn't have reached out because to know I caused that kind of pain...  or not.  Maybe she will be excited.  But if there is ANY chance AT ALL that I would hurt someone by my actions ( and yes, I know it is your dad's actions but she wouldn't know if you hadn't reached out) then I would never, ever think of doing it.  I try as hard as possible to never, ever hurt anyone.  Even if it hurts me.  Don't care. Not worth it. 

[Scarlett]

47 minutes ago, Janeway said:

I think you are under estimating the trauma this young woman is feeling or about to feel if she is just now learning this. There will also be a lot of pain from her family members who now potentially wonder who they are to her when they find out she is not biologically related. 

I have said this several times but I am not underestimating what the situation could be.  I have been involved in helping people uncover things and make connections.  So I am well aware of peoples potential reactions.  

[KSera]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, I thought of that immediately. I know she will have to work through it and once she figures  out there are two of us and we share a father the truth will be obvious.  

Is there a way it will be obvious that your father is the one she is biologically related to rather than her father being the one you are biologically related to? I don't know how results are displayed, so I don't know if there's some way for her to know, or if it requires someone to work it out for themselves (which someone may or may not be able to to).

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

And see.. I guess for me, I wouldn't have reached out because to know I caused that kind of pain...  or not.  Maybe she will be excited.  But if there is ANY chance AT ALL that I would hurt someone by my actions ( and yes, I know it is your dad's actions but she wouldn't know if you hadn't reached out) then I would never, ever think of doing it.  I try as hard as possible to never, ever hurt anyone.  Even if it hurts me.  Don't care. Not worth it. 

This has been said several times maybe you missed it.  The DNA company informed her of her high match to me and my sister.  So yes she would know regardless of my message to her. All my message did is let her know we are open to communication. 

[maize]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

And see.. I guess for me, I wouldn't have reached out because to know I caused that kind of pain...  or not.  Maybe she will be excited.  But if there is ANY chance AT ALL that I would hurt someone by my actions ( and yes, I know it is your dad's actions but she wouldn't know if you hadn't reached out) then I would never, ever think of doing it.  I try as hard as possible to never, ever hurt anyone.  Even if it hurts me.  Don't care. Not worth it. 

She already has the test results. It is much more likely than not that she would figure it out with or without Scarlett's message.

[maize]

29 minutes ago, KSera said:

Is there a way it will be obvious that your father is the one she is biologically related to rather than her father being the one you are biologically related to? I don't know how results are displayed, so I don't know if there's some way for her to know, or if it requires someone to work it out for themselves (which someone may or may not be able to to).

She'll be able to see that she, Scarlett, and Scarlett's other half sister are all half sisters with a parent in common.

Unless one of the fathers has tested, it likely won't be immediately obvious who they are all related through. If by chance the sister's known dad tested, it will be obvious that she is not his daughter. If other close relatives on his side have tested and don't show up as matches, or if a presumed full sibling has tested and shows up as a half sibling, that would also be a clear giveaway. Otherwise you look at other in-common matches to figure out who you are related through.

In this case, since there are already two half sisters who know (presumably with good certainty) who their common biological parent is it will be easy to figure out if she reaches out to them.

Edited February 14, 2023 by maize

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, KSera said:

Is there a way it will be obvious that your father is the one she is biologically related to rather than her father being the one you are biologically related to? I don't know how results are displayed, so I don't know if there's some way for her to know, or if it requires someone to work it out for themselves (which someone may or may not be able to to).

Well,  I could tell instantly, by looking at shared matches.  And if any of her fathers family has tested they won’t show up as matches to her.  Also the fact that there are two new sisters…..yes it should be pretty evident. 

[Spryte]

7 minutes ago, maize said:

She already has the test results. It is much more likely than not that she would figure it out with or without Scarlett's message.

Yes, the sister already has the info, Scarlett won’t be delivering the news that there are two half-sisters.

The sister got a notification of the match from the company about the same time Scarlett did.

Whatever Scarlett does at this point, the cat is out of the bag for the unknown sister.

(maize, I know you know this, I’m just agreeing with you!)

 

 

For the genealogy people — is there some chance the sister might think that her father (the one who raised her) also fathered two half-sisters? That he’s the father in common? That would not be a good misunderstanding, and if it’s possible she’s thinking that — could be a bombshell as well. At this point, getting more info from Scarlett might be helpful.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Spryte said:

Yes, the sister already has the info, Scarlett won’t be delivering the news that there are two half-sisters.

The sister got a notification of the match from the company about the same time Scarlett did.

Whatever Scarlett does at this point, the cat is out of the bag for the unknown sister.

(maize, I know you know this, I’m just agreeing with you!)

 

 

For the genealogy people — is there some chance the sister might think that her father (the one who raised her) also fathered two half-sisters? That he’s the father in common? That would not be a good misunderstanding, and if it’s possible she’s thinking that — could be a bombshell as well. At this point, getting more info from Scarlett might be helpful.

Yes.  If she wants help I can show her how to figure it out.  Poor girl….not sure if it would be better or worse that way.  

[KSera]

6 minutes ago, Spryte said:

For the genealogy people — is there some chance the sister might think that her father (the one who raised her) also fathered two half-sisters? That he’s the father in common? That would not be a good misunderstanding, and if it’s possible she’s thinking that — could be a bombshell as well.

This was the scenario I was asking about. I can see someone's brain jumping first to the idea that their Dad had fathered two other kids at some point outside the marriage (either before or during) before considering the idea that it may have been their mother who had had them with someone outside her marriage. Particularly since her parents were already married when she was born. In which case that's double her poor dad, because not only would it be so sad for him to find that out if he didn't already know, but also it could cause his daughter to wrongly think he's the one who was unfaithful. So that would definitely be good to clear up. I hope people consider the other dad in deciding how to go about all this though.

[prairiewindmomma]

35 minutes ago, Spryte said:

 

For the genealogy people — is there some chance the sister might think that her father (the one who raised her) also fathered two half-sisters? That he’s the father in common? That would not be a good misunderstanding, and if it’s possible she’s thinking that — could be a bombshell as well. At this point, getting more info from Scarlett might be helpful.

No, not really. 
 

I am not sure which platform Scarlett used. On 23andme, the genetics report is on a separate tab from the ancestry part. In addition, the “your ancestors likely came from this part of the world” is in a separate place from  the “here are other relatives” part. It’s entirely possible to look at one portion of information and not look at the other.

People give these kits as gifts, others use them with their spouse in solidarity, still others are looking for an inexpensive way to hit the genetic info they need—particularly around lactose intolerance, MTHFR,(ETA: also BRCA/breast cancer risk and APOE with re: to Parkinson’s) etc.

I have someone in my extended family who went looking for genetic info (because insurance didn’t cover it) and found a non-paternity event as a result. It was devastating. Finding out you have another sibling isn’t always a welcome event.
 

 

Edited February 14, 2023 by prairiewindmomma

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, KSera said:

This was the scenario I was asking about. I can see someone's brain jumping first to the idea that their Dad had fathered two other kids at some point outside the marriage (either before or during) before considering the idea that it may have been their mother who had had them with someone outside her marriage. Particularly since her parents were already married when she was born. In which case that's double her poor dad, because not only would it be so sad for him to find that out if he didn't already know, but also it could cause his daughter to wrongly think he's the one who was unfaithful. So that would definitely be good to clear up. I hope people consider the other dad in deciding how to go about all this though.

Yes. Especially since I was born before new sister’s parents were married but my sister was born one month after new sister was born. 

[Scarlett]

Just now, prairiewindmomma said:

No, not really. 
 

I am not sure which platform Scarlett used. On 23andme, the genetics report is on a separate tab from the ancestry part. In addition, the “your ancestors likely came from this part of the world” is in a separate place from  the “here are other relatives” part. It’s entirely possible to look at one portion of information and not look at the other.

People give these kits as gifts, others use them with their spouse in solidarity, still others are looking for an inexpensive way to hit the genetic info they need—particularly around lactose intolerance, MTHFR, etc.

I have someone in my extended family who went looking for genetic info (because insurance didn’t cover it) and found a non-paternity event as a result. It was devastating. Finding out you have another sibling isn’t always a welcome event.
 

 

It is Ancestry.  People don’t choose Ancestry for medical info.  

[maize]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

It is Ancestry.  People don’t choose Ancestry for medical info.  

They do sometimes, in order to transfer to third party analysis sites. Ancestry usually has better sales than 23andMe so someone trying to minimize cost might go that route.

 

 

[Scarlett]

Here is what you see when you open up your matches. The names are to the left which I cropped off.  On new sister’s page her daughter will be her top match along with her mother if she tested. But my sister and I will be top matches also. 

 

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, maize said:

They do sometimes, in order to transfer to third party analysis sites. Ancestry usually has better sales than 23andMe so someone trying to minimize cost might go that route.

 

 

Hmm….did not know that.  

[KSera]

9 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

On new sister’s page her daughter will be her top match along with her mother if she tested. But my sister and I will be top matches also.

So will you and your sister show up just like this on hers?

So when she first looks at it, I'm thinking she will think "paternal side" means her dad. She may eventually be able to figure out that her paternal side isn't what she thought it was, if there are enough other matches and she's good at it, but looks not immediately apparent from that, right? I can't help but feel badly for both her and her dad 🙁. Hopefully, best case scenario, they both already knew all this and it won't be a surprise at all.

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, KSera said:

So will you and your sister show up just like this on hers?

So when she first looks at it, I'm thinking she will think "paternal side" means her dad. She may eventually be able to figure out that her paternal side isn't what she thought it was, if there are enough other matches and she's good at it, but looks not immediately apparent from that, right? I can't help but feel badly for both her and her dad 🙁. Hopefully, best case scenario, they both already knew all this and it won't be a surprise at all.

The one above that you copied is my known sister. The one that says close relative - first cousin and says unassigned below it is new sister. So I think that is how we will show up on her page initially. 

Edited February 14, 2023 by Scarlett

[Spy Car]

I think you'd be an excellent sister to have @Scarlett.

I hope this works out beautifully for all concerned.

Bill (who has no plans to have his DNA analyzed anytime soon  )

[rebcoola]

I hope it works out well for all involved. My paternal grandmother was adopted supposedly in family but no actual information given to anyone alive.  She was rather adamant about not wanting to know anything. Now that she has passed my dad may do a test.

  My half sisters have  decided together not to do the medical part but not do the matching. They would like more health info but their dad was an A-h@le and his family was a hot mess they don't want to open that can of worms.  

[Corraleno]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

It is Ancestry.  People don’t choose Ancestry for medical info.  

I did. I got three kits for $49 each, and uploaded the data to a medical site for an extra $20. The kits from 23&Me that include the expanded medical info are currently $199, but I don't think those were even available back when I did it.

Also, some people may be interested in ethnic background (what percentages of DNA came from which countries) without having any interest in finding relatives, and with no expectation that there were dark secrets lurking in their family tree. Most of the advertising for these kits is about finding out that you're X% Irish and Y% Swedish and Z% Italian, they are definitely not advertising "buy this kit to discover that a close relative committed adultery/got raped/had a secret teenage pregnancy." 

[stephanier.1765]

6 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I did. I got three kits for $49 each, and uploaded the data to a medical site for an extra $20. The kits from 23&Me that include the expanded medical info are currently $199, but I don't think those were even available back when I did it.

Also, some people may be interested in ethnic background (what percentages of DNA came from which countries) without having any interest in finding relatives, and with no expectation that there were dark secrets lurking in their family tree. Most of the advertising for these kits is about finding out that you're X% Irish and Y% Swedish and Z% Italian, they are definitely not advertising "buy this kit to discover that a close relative committed adultery/got raped/had a secret teenage pregnancy." 

Not to derail the thread but that's why we did it. My father is big into genealogy and loved the idea of seeing where his roots originated. My FOO has a Americanized version of a German last name and we thought there would be quite a big of German in our DNA. There is but it's a small percentage. Dad turns out to be 80% British. Shocked us all.

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I did. I got three kits for $49 each, and uploaded the data to a medical site for an extra $20. The kits from 23&Me that include the expanded medical info are currently $199, but I don't think those were even available back when I did it.

Also, some people may be interested in ethnic background (what percentages of DNA came from which countries) without having any interest in finding relatives, and with no expectation that there were dark secrets lurking in their family tree. Most of the advertising for these kits is about finding out that you're X% Irish and Y% Swedish and Z% Italian, they are definitely not advertising "buy this kit to discover that a close relative committed adultery/got raped/had a secret teenage pregnancy." 

It is certainly what I thought.  I definitely won’t be doing it now just in case.  But I considered it for fun!

[maize]

1 minute ago, stephanier.1765 said:

Not to derail the thread but that's why we did it. My father is big into genealogy and loved the idea of seeing where his roots originated. My FOO has a Americanized version of a German last name and we thought there would be quite a big of German in our DNA. There is but it's a small percentage. Dad turns out to be 80% British. Shocked us all.

Ethnicity estimates aren't a super exact science, but they get better every year. It doesn't take many generations though for particular ethnicity markers to wash out. If you had a German immigrant ancestor say four generations back you might have 6% German DNA, but maybe an even smaller percentage of identifiable regional markers.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Corraleno said:

I did. I got three kits for $49 each, and uploaded the data to a medical site for an extra $20. The kits from 23&Me that include the expanded medical info are currently $199, but I don't think those were even available back when I did it.

Also, some people may be interested in ethnic background (what percentages of DNA came from which countries) without having any interest in finding relatives, and with no expectation that there were dark secrets lurking in their family tree. Most of the advertising for these kits is about finding out that you're X% Irish and Y% Swedish and Z% Italian, they are definitely not advertising "buy this kit to discover that a close relative committed adultery/got raped/had a secret teenage pregnancy." 

I did not know anyone really did Ancestry for medical….I learned something new.  WHat site did you use? I would like to do that.

[Scarlett]

Y’all. Our sister’s daughter has read my message.  
 

We are on pins and needles.  

[prairiewindmomma]

16 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Y’all. Our sister’s daughter has read my message.  
 

We are on pins and needles.  

So it wasn't even the sister that did the DNA testing? It was this woman's daughter? 

[Lecka]

Unknown.  
 

But I was picturing a mother-daughter thing where the daughter is better with computers, or on the computer more, but they are still doing it together.  
 

Because otherwise just the daughter would be doing it, maybe?  
 

I think it’s possible it’s something the daughter is doing without her mom’s full consent, but it’s not my first thought at all.  
 

[AbcdeDooDah]

2 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Unknown.  
 

But I was picturing a mother-daughter thing where the daughter is better with computers, or on the computer more, but they are still doing it together.  
 

Because otherwise just the daughter would be doing it, maybe?  
 

I think it’s possible it’s something the daughter is doing without her mom’s full consent, but it’s not my first thought at all.  
 

Scarlett said she messaged both her new sister and new sister’s daughter. I’m presuming they both came up as matches. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Just now, AbcdeDooDah said:

Scarlett said she messaged both her new sister and new sister’s daughter. I’m presuming they both came up as matches. 

Thanks for clarifying!

[Lecka]

That makes sense!

 

 

[Scarlett]

Yes they both popped up as matches on the same day 

[TexasProud]

I just hope and pray that they did this together and that this wasn't just some fun thing the daughter talked her into having no idea of the consequences.  Honestly, Scarlett, I do hope for your sake that this turns out well.  But it could easily be a disaster. 

[TexasProud]

Like I could see my daughter talking me into this and my not realizing the implications it could have. Not being prepared for skeletons.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

I just hope and pray that they did this together and that this wasn't just some fun thing the daughter talked her into having no idea of the consequences.  Honestly, Scarlett, I do hope for your sake that this turns out well.  But it could easily be a disaster. 

Of course we all hope it turns out well. 
No one who takes a dna test knows what the consequences could be. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Scarlett said:

Of course we all hope it turns out well. 
No one who takes a dna test knows what the consequences could be. 

Yeah, but I bet the majority of the people think it is just a fun way to find out your cultural background.  In fact, my friends that have done it, that is all we talk about.  It never even entered my mind that I might be contacted by a potential relative. 

[Corraleno]

48 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I did not know anyone really did Ancestry for medical….I learned something new.  WHat site did you use? I would like to do that.

This is the site I uploaded the data to. The current price is $25. I think there are a lot more companies doing this now than there were 7 or 8 years ago when I did mine, so you could google around and see what other sites are available/recommended now.

I also uploaded data to the GeneticGenie website, which is free, but it only focuses on a few specific mutations, like MTHFR.

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but I bet the majority of the people think it is just a fun way to find out your cultural background.  In fact, my friends that have done it, that is all we talk about.  It never even entered my mind that I might be contacted by a potential relative. 

I think peoples default is to not think their mother got pregnant by another man. So yes, it will be shocking for her.
As far as finding relatives, I have helped many many people solve some mysteries and make some really great connections. I have found it very rewarding and very interesting almost everyone I have helped has been very open to the newfound information.. 

[Katy]

21 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but I bet the majority of the people think it is just a fun way to find out your cultural background.  In fact, my friends that have done it, that is all we talk about.  It never even entered my mind that I might be contacted by a potential relative. 

Except you have to opt in, through several warnings that when I did this with 23&me were quite explicit. You may find out information you may not want to know. I don’t remember if the three warnings I clicked through specifically said “You may find out about adoption, adultery, and family secrets” but it definitely included short descriptions of other people finding that. 

[Spryte]

5 minutes ago, Katy said:

Except you have to opt in, through several warnings that when I did this with 23&me were quite explicit. You may find out information you may not want to know. I don’t remember if the three warnings I clicked through specifically said “You may find out about adoption, adultery, and family secrets” but it definitely included short descriptions of other people finding that. 

Yes, this what I recall from FamilyTreeDNA, too. Warning after warning. And the option to stay private, another option to post your results to the database but still stay anonymous (no sharing your name or contact info), or to keep things private. 

I suppose one could agree to all that thinking, “Oh, this doesn’t apply to me!” and blithely click through it all, wearing Pollyanna glasses. But if one is the type of person who knows they don’t want contact with any unknown relatives, and feels like finding out certain information would ruin one’s life, I can’t imagine that person clicking through all the warnings and ignoring them. The warnings are pretty explicit.

Anyway, it seems like Scarlett’s unknown relatives agreed to allow contact from unknown relatives in advance, so Scarlett isn’t out of line or doing anything unethical by answering what is essentially a shout out to all unknown relatives (had they chosen privacy, that would be a different story). I’m crossing my fingers that this is a good experience for all. 

I share some deep concerns for the dad involved, who might not know, and am hoping that this gives answers to questions they were already asking and doesn’t lead to pain and more questions.

Good luck, Scarlett!
 

 

[TechWife]

10 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I never said no one has the rights to secrets.  I also never said EVERYTHING should be out in the open.  What I have said is that humans should not be a secret especially from their immediate family like parents or sibling.  
 

Me reaching out to her is not what will tell her we are sisters.  It is the dna matches sitting there in plain site for all three of us to see.  

Weird question. How do you know that she’s aware of the test or the database? It’s possible someone could have either done the whole thing without her knowing (probably not likely though, kind of hard to pull off). It’s also possible that someone else did the paperwork piece for her and she has no idea that this info is available to everyone. I do all of my dh’s paperwork and all of my son’s paperwork, and while ask them some questions, there are occasions when I just fill out a form, put it in front of them, tell them what it is and they sign it. Someone could have put a form in front of them and said - “This is the form that goes with your DNA test.”

I don’t think making that decision would be easy for me unless I needed medical info, then I might just request that with the initial contact.