Update Plot twist——Sitting here stunned

[Bambam]

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am so perplexed as to why you would think people who share your dna, that you connected with on a dna site would be trying to scam you just because they reached out. . 

I have not investigated any of the DNA stuff because it is of no interest to me. But I know folks who bought the tests - more as a lark, everyone doing it, just interested in ancestry info. So if I fell in that category, I would be amazed and concerned if someone contacted me pretty soon after having it done - claiming to be my relative. I'd be like what??? Is this even possible??? Who are all these people reaching out to me??? And because it would be such a shock (really? this must mean one of my parents was not faithful???), I would tend to think it was some sort of scam. Just because someone says they share something with me, doesn't mean they are always honest and forthright. I've been contacted by old "friends" who are only contacting me because they are selling something now (which feels sorta scammy too, btw)  I could see thinking this might fall into the same category. Especially if it never occurred to me that I had other relatives that I didn't know about (and that would be me, btw). 

 

[WildflowerMom]

I think some people are into genealogy and some aren’t.  I would think that people who upload their info to ancestry or whatever are probably interested in it (even if they’re shocked at first).   I’m not interested in it although we do have family secrets that have come out.   I just don’t really care about who all I’m distantly related to.   (And I’d consider it to be distantly related even if we were closely related in dna but didn’t know each other).  I think some people place importance on that type of thing and some don’t.  Different strokes for different folks.  🤷🏻‍♀️

[Scarlett]

19 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I have not investigated any of the DNA stuff because it is of no interest to me. But I know folks who bought the tests - more as a lark, everyone doing it, just interested in ancestry info.
I'd be like what??? Is this even possible??? Who are all these people reaching out to me??? And because it would be such a shock (really? this must mean one of my parents was not faithful???), I would tend to think it was some sort of scam. Just because someone says they share something with me, doesn't mean they are always honest and forthright. I've been contacted by old "friends" who are only contacting me because they are selling something now (which feels sorta scammy too, btw)  I could see thinking this might fall into the same category. Especially if it never occurred to me that I had other relatives that I didn't know about (and that would be me, btw). 

 

Oh my word. This seems crazy to me. You would be shocked that someone  on a dna site reached out to you and dared suggest you might be related? And just to be clear most people who are a dna match are not a sibling and even if they are that doesn’t   necessarily mean one of your parents was unfaithful.

 

Edited February 14, 2023 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

20 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I have not investigated any of the DNA stuff because it is of no interest to me. But I know folks who bought the tests - more as a lark, everyone doing it, just interested in ancestry info. So if I fell in that category, I would be amazed and concerned if someone contacted me pretty soon after having it done - claiming to be my relative. I'd be like what??? Is this even possible??? Who are all these people reaching out to me??? And because it would be such a shock (really? this must mean one of my parents was not faithful???), I would tend to think it was some sort of scam. Just because someone says they share something with me, doesn't mean they are always honest and forthright. I've been contacted by old "friends" who are only contacting me because they are selling something now (which feels sorta scammy too, btw)  I could see thinking this might fall into the same category. Especially if it never occurred to me that I had other relatives that I didn't know about (and that would be me, btw). 

 

And how do you compare someone trying to sell you something to someone saying hey I see we are related.  Finding people you are related tonIS ancestry ‘stuff’. 

[Scarlett]

29 minutes ago, regentrude said:

That sounds creepy.

🤦🏻‍♀️ why?

[Junie]

Some people do dna tests in order to find out about their ancestors or where they came from.  They are not necessarily interested in connecting with anyone living.

Me personally, I would be interested in finding out about my ancestors, but I honestly have more living relatives than I can keep up with -- I really have no desire to add anyone else.

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Junie said:

Some people do dna tests in order to find out about their ancestors or where they came from.  They are not necessarily interested in connecting with anyone living.

Me personally, I would be interested in finding out about my ancestors, but I honestly have more living relatives than I can keep up with -- I really have no desire to add anyone else.

So if a second cousin you had never met contacted you, you would be like , ‘ugh, I got no time  to spare to answer any inquiries’ ?

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

If I did one of those DNA tests, I would be totally freaked out by people contacting me to tell me they were relatives. Quite frankly, at first I would think it was some sort of scam.  I might respond, but it would take a while for me to figure it out, come to terms with it (especially if it was a surprise), and figure out what, if anything, I wanted to do - get to know these strangers who I share DNA with but have no other connections or just go on with my life as it is.  If the people contacted me once and then stayed quiet, I would be okay, but if they contacted me again, that would really push me over the edge.  

But I'm not big into family history, or family connections, or anything like that. It might be different if one of my immediate family has some serious genetic related disease though.  I have little curiosity about unknown relatives. We have always lived far away from our relatives, and I'm totally fine with that. 

 I believe you can opt to keep your info private/anonymous, and have it set so people can't contact you or see your info, if that is your preference. I know when I did mine it asked me that question. 

33 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I have not investigated any of the DNA stuff because it is of no interest to me. But I know folks who bought the tests - more as a lark, everyone doing it, just interested in ancestry info. So if I fell in that category, I would be amazed and concerned if someone contacted me pretty soon after having it done - claiming to be my relative. I'd be like what??? Is this even possible??? Who are all these people reaching out to me??? And because it would be such a shock (really? this must mean one of my parents was not faithful???), I would tend to think it was some sort of scam. Just because someone says they share something with me, doesn't mean they are always honest and forthright. I've been contacted by old "friends" who are only contacting me because they are selling something now (which feels sorta scammy too, btw)  I could see thinking this might fall into the same category. Especially if it never occurred to me that I had other relatives that I didn't know about (and that would be me, btw). 

 

Ok, but you'd be able to SEE their DNA match on the website. You could log in to your own account, go to your DNA relatives/matches/whatever, and see them there to verify it. Not sure how that could be a scam. The company would have to be in on it. 

[Scarlett]

39 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

I think some people are into genealogy and some aren’t.  I would think that people who upload their info to ancestry or whatever are probably interested in it (even if they’re shocked at first).   I’m not interested in it although we do have family secrets that have come out.   I just don’t really care about who all I’m distantly related to.   (And I’d consider it to be distantly related even if we were closely related in dna but didn’t know each other).  I think some people place importance on that type of thing and some don’t.  Different strokes for different folks.  🤷🏻‍♀️

So you would have no interest in a sibling?

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Janeway said:

I know most people seem to feel different than me, but siblinghood and family is not DNA. It can be exciting to find out that you potentially have more family out there. However, DNA does not make someone family anymore than not sharing DNA makes someone not family. Good luck with everything and I hope all turns out well for everyone involved.

Well…. Thanks? Now that you have informed me siblinghood does not family make. 

[katilac]

5 hours ago, mlktwins said:

 I have not done any of these types of tests and really don't want to ever know if there is another sibling or anything out there. I would not respond if contacted. Maybe I am the only one that feels this way - LOL.

I can't imagine not making contact with a sibling! 

First cousin would be mighty interesting as well. Second cousin, not so much, because I have a truckload of first cousins and first cousins once removed. I can't imagine how many second cousins I have. 

I'd answer their questions, I just wouldn't be super excited to meet them.

[Junie]

13 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

So if a second cousin you had never met contacted you, you would be like , ‘ugh, I got no time  to spare to answer any inquiries’ ?

I would help them fill in gaps in their family tree, but I would most likely not be interested in meeting additional family members.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, katilac said:

I can't imagine not making contact with a sibling! 

First cousin would be mighty interesting as well. Second cousin, not so much, because I have a truckload of first cousins and first cousins once removed. I can't imagine how many second cousins I have. 

I'd answer their questions, I just wouldn't be super excited to meet them.

Yes, exactly. I have connected with many second cousins on ancestry… we exchange info….add each other to our trees and move on. One or two are my FB friends. 

[WildflowerMom]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

So you would have no interest in a sibling?

Good question.    I think only if they were just dead set on a relationship.  I'm an only child.  I don't have the close family feels that a lot of other people have.    It would be hard for me to see them as anything other than a random person with some shared dna.   That probably doesn't make much sense to most people.    Now if that actually happened, maybe it'd be different?  Idk.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, Junie said:

I would help them fill in gaps in their family tree, but I would most likely not be interested in meeting additional family members.

Well I haven’t met IRL any one I found on ancestry. 
 

A sibling though? Yes I hope we meet. 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

Good question.    I think only if they were just dead set on a relationship.  I'm an only child.  I don't have the close family feels that a lot of other people have.    It would be hard for me to see them as anything other than a random person with some shared dna.   That probably doesn't make much sense to most people.    Now if that actually happened, maybe it'd be different?  Idk.  

Wow, seems like an only child would want a sibling 

[WildflowerMom]

Just now, Scarlett said:

Wow, seems like an only child would want a sibling 

Oh gosh, no.   I'm thankful I don't have any.   I have sooooooo many cousins, one that actually lived with us some growing up.   I didn't miss out on the close bonds.  But, yeah I'm very happy being an only.   

[WildflowerMom]

Now if a sibling just popped up and desperately wanted a relationship, I wouldn't deny them.   It's just not something I myself am interested in.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, WildflowerMom said:

Oh gosh, no.   I'm thankful I don't have any.   I have sooooooo many cousins, one that actually lived with us some growing up.   I didn't miss out on the close bonds.  But, yeah I'm very happy being an only.   

Well my sister had 4 half siblings before she knew about me. But when she and I met when she was 11 and I was 15….we bonded instantly. We are very very close. Even though we were then kept apart for the next 28 years. 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

Now if a sibling just popped up and desperately wanted a relationship, I wouldn't deny them.   It's just not something I myself am interested in.  

I doubt a sibling who pops up will desperately want a relationship. They may desperately want to meet and hear you talk and hear your life experience and make some  connections to themselves. If a relationship came of that great. You might get something from it too. 

[Janeway]

24 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well…. Thanks? Now that you have informed me siblinghood does not family make. 

DNA does not a family make. Nor does it make siblinghood. Just don’t be crushed if she does not want to be a sister to someone else. It’s okay. Be prepared for any direction this takes.

[LaughingCat]

DNA siblinghood doesn't force someone to become part of a family but to think of it is nothing is just as wrong.  

Speaking as someone who has met 5 half siblings only as an adult over 30 (and with 2 more I haven't met).  

[Bambam]

45 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

 I believe you can opt to keep your info private/anonymous, and have it set so people can't contact you or see your info, if that is your preference. I know when I did mine it asked me that question. 

Ok, but you'd be able to SEE their DNA match on the website. You could log in to your own account, go to your DNA relatives/matches/whatever, and see them there to verify it. Not sure how that could be a scam. The company would have to be in on it. 

I did not realize that. If I could see their DNA match, then I wouldn't think scam. But I would still be weirded out to find relatives that way. Maybe you would get used to it after a while, but I would think in the beginning, it would be super strange to discover relatives this way.  At least to me. 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Janeway said:

DNA does not a family make. Nor does it make siblinghood. Just don’t be crushed if she does not want to be a sister to someone else. It’s okay. Be prepared for any direction this takes.

Dna absolutely makes sibling hood. But no I won’t be devastated…. I just won’t be the one making her feel devastated. 

[Scarlett]

31 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I did not realize that. If I could see their DNA match, then I wouldn't think scam. But I would still be weirded out to find relatives that way. Maybe you would get used to it after a while, but I would think in the beginning, it would be super strange to discover relatives this way.  At least to me. 

So you had no idea how ancestry dot com  works but you had a strong opinion on it? Ok then. 

[Scarlett]

It seems to me a lot of you have an unrealistic idea of what it means to be on a dna site and make contact with blood relatives.  None of these people I have met on line have intruded into my life in any way that I did not want,  I have never met any of them in person although I have plans to meet up with one or two.

I hope most of what you are saying is out of ignorance and that none of you would block and delete your sibling,  

[Scarlett]

And those who say you might be interested in ‘ancestry’…..I mean what is the limit on that? I am happy to research my great grandparents but do not bring me any siblings!  .?? 

[KungFuPanda]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

And those who say you might be interested in ‘ancestry’…..I mean what is the limit on that? I am happy to research my great grandparents but do not bring me any siblings!  .?? 

I think people can have a scholarly interest in their family tree and background, but not be open to communicating with people they’ve never met based solely upon a DNA match. For some people, to be contacted by a stranger and asked for family details it’s not interesting; it’s intrusive. I imagine there is a whole subset of people who did a DNA test to learn what percentage XYZ they were and were shocked for it to lead to family drama and people directly contacting them. For other people, this possibility keeps them from getting tested at all. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, KungFuPanda said:

I think people can have a scholarly interest in their family tree and background, but not be open to communicating with people they’ve never met based solely upon a DNA match. For some people, to be contacted by a stranger and asked for family details it’s not interesting; it’s intrusive. I imagine there is a whole subset of people who did a DNA test to learn what percentage XYZ they were and were shocked for it to lead to family drama and people directly contacting them. For other people, this possibility keeps them from getting tested at all. 

I understand not wanting to talk to a bunch of relatives you have nothing in common with. Well I say I understand but I have never failed to respond to any question.  But what I really can’t understand is people saying if a sibling showed up they would not want contact.  Blows. My.Mind. 

[Tap]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

It seems to me a lot of you have an unrealistic idea of what it means to be on a dna site and make contact with blood relatives.  None of these people I have met on line have intruded into my life in any way that I did not want,  I have never met any of them in person although I have plans to meet up with one or two.

I hope most of what you are saying is out of ignorance and that none of you would block and delete your sibling,  

I got some weird comments on 23. Enough that I blocked someone who was pushing for information. She was rude…asking if  I was ignoring her because my niece was illegitimate ( she is not). I was definitely ignoring her, because she was pushy and asking for my family’s interpersonal  information. I did 23 for one specific reason ( which hasn’t been answered yet) , not to spend time chatting with distant DNA matches. 
 

If a random sibling shows up… I don’t know if I would want to know the details. Age would matter…. Before or after my mom, would matter, because it would open up too many questions that couldn’t be answered. I’m the baby of 9 kids. My parents are deceased. I don’t have a desire for more sibs or family… it is already huge by normal standards. DNA may make us biologically related, but not what I would consider a relationship that matters. 

[KungFuPanda]

13 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I understand not wanting to talk to a bunch of relatives you have nothing in common with. Well I say I understand but I have never failed to respond to any question.  But what I really can’t understand is people saying if a sibling showed up they would not want contact.  Blows. My.Mind. 

I think a secret sibling generally comes with a degree of family drama and some people just don’t have the bandwidth for that. It’s a weirdly intimate conversation to have with a complete stranger. If that stranger is particularly persistent I could definitely see getting a bit freaked out and worried they won’t let it go. 

[Catwoman]

38 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I hope most of what you are saying is out of ignorance and that none of you would block and delete your sibling,  

I would.

I would consider the person to be a total stranger, not a sibling.

I would have zero interest in any form of communication and I would consider it a tremendous intrusion if someone approached me to say we were related in some way or another based on DNA testing. My life is none of their business.

I have no interest in DNA testing, unless I was doing it for some sort of medical information.

[Corraleno]

I did Ancestry for myself and my kids mostly for the medical info; I took the raw data and uploaded it to another site (Prometheus?) and I almost never go to the Ancestry site. The only one of us who is remotely interested in connecting with relatives is DD, because she was abandoned at birth, but since she's from a country where people are very likely to use Ancestry, she's never had anything but "5th-8th cousins with <1% match."

I did unexpectedly discover that my deceased brother had apparently donated to a sperm bank many years ago and a child had resulted from that donation, but I have no idea how my brother would have wanted to handle that information, and since the person contacting me was actually the parent, who had set up an account and contacted me without her son's knowledge, I was really uncomfortable with the whole thing. I do not consider some random kid I've never met, who just happened to get some of my brother's DNA from a test tube, to be a member of my family and I have no interest in pursuing any kind of relationship.

[Lawyer&Mom]

9 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I would.

I would consider the person to be a total stranger, not a sibling.

I would have zero interest in any form of communication and I would consider it a tremendous intrusion if someone approached me to say we were related in some way or another based on DNA testing. My life is none of their business.

I have no interest in DNA testing, unless I was doing it for some sort of medical information.

This is such a foreign perspective to me. My quirky as hell Autistic family understand me better than any total strangers, and if I had a sibling or first cousin I didn’t know about I would absolutely want to meet them. I would expect we would get along smashingly.  At the very least I might be able to answer some questions for them.  “Yes, we are *all* like that!”  Maybe that’s just what comes from being a genetic outlier.  We don’t fit in with a lot of people, but we fit in with each other.  I would want to welcome them to the club. 

[Junie]

I don't know whether I would be interested in contacting a surprise sibling.  Probably not.  I can't imagine that it would be on my mother's side -- a pregnancy would have been difficult to hide.  

My father's side of the family would be complicated.  He passed away many years ago and I have almost no contact with anyone on his side of the family.  I've never met my first cousins.  I don't even know how many I have.

I have quite a few step-siblings from various relationships, some of whom I have only met once or twice.

My family tree is a mess.  I grew up with five parents (mother, father, stepfather, stepmother 1, stepmother 2) and family dynamics were sometimes difficult.  Two of my step-parents had a child from a previous relationship and one step-parent had several children who I don't think are full siblings.  I really don't want more family relationships.  If I had time and energy, I would rather work on improving the relationships I already have.

[Corraleno]

9 minutes ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

This is such a foreign perspective to me. My quirky as hell Autistic family understand me better than any total strangers, and if I had a sibling or first cousin I didn’t know about I would absolutely want to meet them. I would expect we would get along smashingly.  At the very least I might be able to answer some questions for them.  “Yes, we are *all* like that!”  Maybe that’s just what comes from being a genetic outlier.  We don’t fit in with a lot of people, but we fit in with each other.  I would want to welcome them to the club. 

I'm the exact opposite — I have very little in common with any of my family, and don't feel like we share much of anything other than having grown up in the same dysfunctional family (with vastly different responses to that). I would never assume that I would have anything in common with some random person I've never met just because they happened to share some percentage of DNA.

Edited February 14, 2023 by Corraleno

[BronzeTurtle]

43 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I understand not wanting to talk to a bunch of relatives you have nothing in common with. Well I say I understand but I have never failed to respond to any question.  But what I really can’t understand is people saying if a sibling showed up they would not want contact.  Blows. My.Mind. 

Think about someone who put their child up for a closed adoption for whatever reason and had their bio child come and find them without them really wanting to be found. It's hurtful for everyone involved. Just because there is a deep curiosity doesn't mean it's always good great wonderful to find a blood relative you knew nothing about. And it isn't that hard for me to think of 2 or 3 scenarios where people really don't want to be found or don't want to go looking for someone else. maybe in that case you don't send your DNA in to a corporation that's in the business of making money off of all this, but at the same time, people join social media for a lot of reasons that don't involve being found by a long lost school chum, but that happens too. many people don't think through the consequences of dredging up a TON of drama that would surround a secret sibling or kid or cousin or whatever when they get their dna done.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, BronzeTurtle said:

Think about someone who put their child up for a closed adoption for whatever reason and had their bio child come and find them without them really wanting to be found. It's hurtful for everyone involved. Just because there is a deep curiosity doesn't mean it's always good great wonderful to find a blood relative you knew nothing about. And it isn't that hard for me to think of 2 or 3 scenarios where people really don't want to be found or don't want to go looking for someone else. maybe in that case you don't send your DNA in to a corporation that's in the business of making money off of all this, but at the same time, people join social media for a lot of reasons that don't involve being found by a long lost school chum, but that happens too. many people don't think through the consequences of dredging up a TON of drama that would surround a secret sibling or kid or cousin or whatever when they get their dna done.

using ‘you’ in the general sense. 

I don’t like secrets and I don’t believe anyone has the right to make anyone a secret.  Everyone has a right to accept or reject a relationship but you don’t have right to keep another human being a secret.  You don’t have the right to keep your children from knowing each other.  My sister and I were kept from each other and it caused great pain and harm….It was not the right of our father that his privacy over ride our right to be sisters.  

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I'm the exact opposite — I have very little in common with any of my family, and don't feel like we share much of anything other than having grown up in the same dysfunctional family (with vastly different responses to that). I would never assume that I would have anything in common with some random person I've never met just because they happened to share some percentage of DNA.

Assuming you have nothing in common with your blood relatives doesn’t assure you WONT  have something in common.  You might be shocked with what you have in common with some random sibling you encounter.  Don’t knock it until you try it.  

[Scarlett]

50 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I would.

I would consider the person to be a total stranger, not a sibling.

I would have zero interest in any form of communication and I would consider it a tremendous intrusion if someone approached me to say we were related in some way or another based on DNA testing. My life is none of their business.

I have no interest in DNA testing, unless I was doing it for some sort of medical information.

I wish I could say I was surprised.

[BronzeTurtle]

42 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

using ‘you’ in the general sense. 

I don’t like secrets and I don’t believe anyone has the right to make anyone a secret.  Everyone has a right to accept or reject a relationship but you don’t have right to keep another human being a secret.  You don’t have the right to keep your children from knowing each other.  My sister and I were kept from each other and it caused great pain and harm….It was not the right of our father that his privacy over ride our right to be sisters.  

Also using "you" and "I" in the hypothetical.

That may be true but it only takes a little imagination to think of a couple scenarios where a person might be better off going their whole life without knowing who their bio parents are in particular.

if I'm going to be the person asserting my "rights" to know people I otherwise was not introduced to through typical family relationships, do I want to be responsible for the fall out in that person's life? in everyone else's? do I want to be the reason someone finds out their dad was rapist? or worse? because I don't like secrets and think I deserve to know something, to tell someone something? Even if you're blood related, a stranger is a stranger and blood relation doesn't make some horrible scenario everyone's business or a "right". Does that person have a right to their own privacy?
 

[TexasProud]

6 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I understand not wanting to talk to a bunch of relatives you have nothing in common with. Well I say I understand but I have never failed to respond to any question.  But what I really can’t understand is people saying if a sibling showed up they would not want contact.  Blows. My.Mind. 

nope.  I would feel totally betrayed and I don't know...violated.  

[TexasProud]

4 hours ago, BronzeTurtle said:

Also using "you" and "I" in the hypothetical.

That may be true but it only takes a little imagination to think of a couple scenarios where a person might be better off going their whole life without knowing who their bio parents are in particular.

if I'm going to be the person asserting my "rights" to know people I otherwise was not introduced to through typical family relationships, do I want to be responsible for the fall out in that person's life? in everyone else's? do I want to be the reason someone finds out their dad was rapist? or worse? because I don't like secrets and think I deserve to know something, to tell someone something? Even if you're blood related, a stranger is a stranger and blood relation doesn't make some horrible scenario everyone's business or a "right". Does that person have a right to their own privacy?
 

THIS

[Carrie12345]

8 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

I think some people are into genealogy and some aren’t.  I would think that people who upload their info to ancestry or whatever are probably interested in it (even if they’re shocked at first).   I’m not interested in it although we do have family secrets that have come out.   I just don’t really care about who all I’m distantly related to.   (And I’d consider it to be distantly related even if we were closely related in dna but didn’t know each other).  I think some people place importance on that type of thing and some don’t.  Different strokes for different folks.  🤷🏻‍♀️

I like to see how 2, 4, 8, or hundreds of people came together to result in me, but also a whole bunch of technically strangers with “mysterious” lives.  
For instance, I know 99% of my mom’s mom’s nieces and nephews very well. Most of them are closer to my age, and I grew up seeing them at least once or twice a year. We’re all FB friends.   
But I have a ton of the same relations on other branches that I’ve never met or even heard of.   
The chatty matches can be fun!  
The matches that ask me to do all the work for them are kind of annoying, but still fun.

[WildflowerMom]

I think putting info on ancestry would make me think they were interested in communication.   However, personally I would just wait until they contacted me.  That's just a personal preference, no judgement on someone who would do it differently.   But I think this goes back to whether you (general you) really care to have another family member.   I mean, our 'family secret' means I have a first cousin who is a nurse at a major hospital a couple hours away from me.   I only know this because my aunt, when she found out the 'secret' was furious and did some research.   I couldn't care less tbh.    I have zero desire to contact that person.  Half of that side of the family is certifiable.  Why would I want to risk that with another relative?     I just don't care enough I guess.  Idk.   

[regentrude]

9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

🤦🏻‍♀️ why?

If you don't see why "We know all about her so she can delete all she wants lol" sounds creepy I don't know how to explain that to you.

Intruding into another person's private life and dragging someone else's secrets to light just feels icky to me.

Edited February 14, 2023 by regentrude

[regentrude]

6 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I don’t like secrets and I don’t believe anyone has the right to make anyone a secret.  Everyone has a right to accept or reject a relationship but you don’t have right to keep another human being a secret.  You don’t have the right to keep your children from knowing each other.  My sister and I were kept from each other and it caused great pain and harm….It was not the right of our father that his privacy over ride our right to be sisters.  

And you feel the right to cause pain and harm in uncovering somebody else's secrets? To re-traumatize them by reliving their rape, or incest or to destroy their family? Because you know best how people should conduct their private lives?

Edited February 14, 2023 by regentrude

[madteaparty]

9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

So you would have no interest in a sibling?

Nope. And agree the post “she can hide all she wants” Is beyond creepy.

I was never going to go on one of these sites and threads like this don’t exactly persuade otherwise. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I have a close friend who is adopted and involved in the anti adoption movement, so I read a lot from that as well as donor conceived persons.  There is really a large group of people who absolutely believe that genetics trumps everything, even a financially or emotionally comfortable childhood, and that a child/person should never be separated from their genetic family. If bioparents aren’t safe, then family from anywhere should be found and the child placed with them, even when it’s as distant as fourth cousins.  They argue that genetic mirroring is incredibly important and that the DNA we’re born with is the only thing that matters.  I disagree, but that viewpoint is absolutely out there and it’s a pretty large number of people who are lobbying for this.  They absolutely believe that if you cannot conceive a child you simply don’t have any avenues, other than maybe a family member not wanting their child, to have one.

I read stories from donor conceived people who are shocked and horrified that their egg or sperm donor, who is now able to be found with DNA testing(because even if you don’t, chances are a close relative has), don’t consider them their child and don’t really want anything to do with them.  Or the adoptees who find that their birth parents weren’t actually out their pining for them their whole lives(many were—but many birth mothers felt it was hidden forever and did not want the adult adopted child in their lives now). 
DNA testing and other scientific advances have sprinted ahead of ethicists. Again, it’s an extreme position that I disagree with, but it’s a rather predominant position in the adoptee and donor conceived communities. I think for those who don’t feel a strong tie to their genetic family, it’s a really weird and confusing stance to take, that genetic mirroring is so incredibly important.

My ancestry results haven’t produced any surprises, especially since I know many of my third and fourth cousins on both sides.  I had been hoping for more information on the three great grandparents who immigrated in the early 1900s, but they came from countries where DNA testing isn’t very popular.  If I had a sibling pop up, I probably wouldn’t contact them, unless it was just to give general medical information. Especially if someone had most likely grown up believing that someone else is their dad—because I personally believe that the if someone raises you, that’s your parent.  If someone contacted me, though, and wanted a relationship, I wouldn’t deny that either.

[Emba]

If your family is complicated already, I think you might underestimate what an earth shattering thing it could be to someone who grew up in a stable environment thinking they knew who their dad was and secure in their knowledge that their parents loved each other and were faithful to find out that that “identity” was a lie.  Especially if the parent in question has passed on and the new knowledge messes with the memory of a loved one who can no longer give an account of what happened it offer any apology or explanation. I haven’t done DNA testing and don’t really plan to, but if I did and a surprise sibling showed up, I would have to revise an awful lot of my childhood, and it would m mess me up for awhile. I don’t know when or if I’d feel like getting to know the person who, intentionally or not, was the cause of those feelings.