Going back to work FT- tips, tricks, and advice from those that have BTDT

[Soror]

They received approval from my background check so I'm starting Monday. At first, I will be shadowing other people and they say they will work around my schedule. However, it is still time I don't have to do all the other things I still have to do -- ferry children, cooking, cleaning, and schooling my younger two. Dh's schedule is already pretty full and ds is graduated but working pretty near FT too so they will be limited help.

I'm anticipating it to be crazy until dd1 is old enough for her license and I finish the school year with my younger 2- that will be in 10 weeks. 

I started last weekend with cooking most of meals ahead of time. I also did all my weekly cleaning tasks when I had time earlier in the week.

I'm working my way through my weekly cleaning tasks this morning and will finish those. That leaves just the daily cleaning and the kid's chores.

I'm going to work on meal prep this evening and tomorrow.

I think ideally I need to do school on Sundays so I have an extra day to play with. Already I know this week I won't have any time on Tuesday. We've been doing some school on nights and weekends as we needed for a good while now due to crazy schedules. I anticipate that will probably need to be the case until we finish up and I might end up having them do more science and history on their own even after our school year is done and focus on the basics. We'll see.

What else did you find helpful when you went back to work? 

I appreciate the BTDT experience. I've never worked outside the home while having children. I worked at home and that required some planning but it was part time and at home so not really the same.

Edited February 4, 2023 by Soror

[Guest]

Well, I was no longer homeschooling when I went back to FT work, but these are some things that helped:

1) Dh and I both have a Hot Logic lunchbox. They are essentially like a little crockpot/hot plate lunchbox. Dh’s plugs into the truck AC adapter and mine plugs into a wall outlet. 95% of the time, we use leftovers for our lunches. In fact, after dinner, we package them into individual meal portions so they are easy to pack. 
 

2) For meal planning, we started planning the coming week every weekend, using a mnemonic framework like Meatless Monday, Taco Tuesday, White Meat Wednesday and so on. This helps narrow down the choices and makes it much easier to decide. Also, doing this meal planning helps us divide the labor better because it naturally translates to him or me saying we will be the primary cook of a given meal. 
 

3) I switched to washing my hair at night. Don’t know if that’s applicable for you. 
 

4) One thing I didn’t do but probably should have was agree with dh on a more equitable division of cleaning and laundry. This didn’t really change at all and I kind of regret not making this more definite at the beginning the way I did with meals. I still do all of the laundry (but not ds’) and all of the regular cleaning like floors, bathrooms, dusting, etc. 

[MEmama]

28 minutes ago, Quill said:

Well, I was no longer homeschooling when I went back to FT work, but these are some things that helped:

4) One thing I didn’t do but probably should have was agree with dh on a more equitable division of cleaning and laundry. This didn’t really change at all and I kind of regret not making this more definite at the beginning the way I did with meals. I still do all of the laundry (but not ds’) and all of the regular cleaning like floors, bathrooms, dusting, etc. 

I'll be starting a new job next week (part time, from home) and I already know this is going to be a battle. A major reason I wanted to stay at home while raising DS was because I knew I would shoulder *all* the responsibilities even if I went back to work in an office, and I wasn't willing to do that. I suspect some fraught interesting conversations are in my near future.

[Laura Corin]

Be explicit about what help you need from family. I know they are all busy, but so are you.

Hire a cleaner just for a few months while you are still home educating?

[Soror]

30 minutes ago, Quill said:

Well, I was no longer homeschooling when I went back to FT work, but these are some things that helped:

1) Dh and I both have a Hot Logic lunchbox. They are essentially like a little crockpot/hot plate lunchbox. Dh’s plugs into the truck AC adapter and mine plugs into a wall outlet. 95% of the time, we use leftovers for our lunches. In fact, after dinner, we package them into individual meal portions so they are easy to pack. 
 

2) For meal planning, we started planning the coming week every weekend, using a mnemonic framework like Meatless Monday, Taco Tuesday, White Meat Wednesday and so on. This helps narrow down the choices and makes it much easier to decide. Also, doing this meal planning helps us divide the labor better because it naturally translates to him or me saying we will be the primary cook of a given meal. 
 

3) I switched to washing my hair at night. Don’t know if that’s applicable for you. 
 

4) One thing I didn’t do but probably should have was agree with dh on a more equitable division of cleaning and laundry. This didn’t really change at all and I kind of regret not making this more definite at the beginning the way I did with meals. I still do all of the laundry (but not ds’) and all of the regular cleaning like floors, bathrooms, dusting, etc. 

Thank you!

I've just started to contemplate the whole lunch thing so that is good to know. Dh takes leftovers for his lunch but he has access to a microwave. I was thinking of some things I could just eat cold but I hadn't considered that there was something I could use my car to heat up. That would be very helpful when I'm out at lunch time.

I plan menus once a month here, started that a few months ago and that has went really well. I have some days the kids are supposed to cook but don't always enforce it. I have to make sure that is done every week- that way I don't have to prep every meal.

I hear you on the division of labor. Right now dh has too much to do as it is so he can only really help on the weekends when he's not doing homework. I've already considered how once he graduates I'm going to have to make sure things get divided better. It is so easy to get in the groove with how you are doing things. I see so often how even once the woman takes on more responsibility and/or the man has less it continues on with her doing everything. Our society is so messed up in this regard. It's a very good reminder and something we can practice this summer when he's out of college and we're both working.

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, Soror said:

is so easy to get in the groove with how you are doing things. I see so often how even once the woman takes on more responsibility and/or the man has less it continues on with her doing everything. Our society is so messed up in this regard. It's a very good reminder and something we can practice this summer when he's out of college and we're both working.

Yes. It’s exactly this. It’s one thing I always thought was a negative that he remained at his family home until we got married (He was 31.) There were positives as well, especially his ability to save money in those years, but there was also a liability in that he really has never known in quite the same way the large amount of work it is to keep the household going. He would *say* he knows it’s a lot of work but he has not *truly* experienced it. He hasn’t ever had that, “Well dang, I better do laundry because I literally have no more pants.” 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

Yes. It’s exactly this. It’s one thing I always thought was a negative that he remained at his family home until we got married (He was 31.) There were positives as well, especially his ability to save money in those years, but there was also a liability in that he really has never known in quite the same way the large amount of work it is to keep the household going. He would *say* he knows it’s a lot of work but he has not *truly* experienced it. He hasn’t ever had that, “Well dang, I better do laundry because I literally have no more pants.” 

DH was the same way.  He lived at home till we got married when he was almost 26.  He had a large amount of money saved(he was saving for a house even before he met me), which was nice, but he truly has no sense of urgency when it comes to household tasks.  He does a lot around the house, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I think it might have been better not to go from Mom to Wife.

The nice thing is that he often worked really late, and his Mom didn’t keep dinner warm for him lol, so he cooked his own food a lot of the time.  He’s a pretty decent cook and enjoys it, so that at least is a positive.  

[lmrich]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Well, I was no longer homeschooling when I went back to FT work, but these are some things that helped:

1) Dh and I both have a Hot Logic lunchbox. They are essentially like a little crockpot/hot plate lunchbox. Dh’s plugs into the truck AC adapter and mine plugs into a wall outlet. 95% of the time, we use leftovers for our lunches. In fact, after dinner, we package them into individual meal portions so they are easy to pack.  LOVE THESE - my favorite lunch hack
 

2) For meal planning, we started planning the coming week every weekend, using a mnemonic framework like Meatless Monday, Taco Tuesday, White Meat Wednesday and so on. This helps narrow down the choices and makes it much easier to decide. Also, doing this meal planning helps us divide the labor better because it naturally translates to him or me saying we will be the primary cook of a given meal. and breakfast dinner night  -so fast!
 

3) I switched to washing my hair at night. Don’t know if that’s applicable for you. 
 

 

I do all of those things, too! 

I exercise before work - hello dry shampoo! 

Run  the dishwasher  every night; put  everything you can it. Unloading it in the am is  easy -  the  kids each had a  part  to do - silverware, top  shelf, bottom shelf - everything put  away in 5 mintues  while I got  breakfast ready (we usually ate it in the car). 

Make the kids lunches ahead of time - even if they are home,   it will keep the   kitchen cleaner. 

When my kids were little, I did a load of  laundry every single night. I gathered all their clothes or the towels or the sheets and washed them as soon as I  got out of the shower and then would fold the items from the dryer giving a chance for my to hair air dry a bit. Usually by the time my hair was dry with a hairdryer, my  teeth were brushed, etc.. it was time to move the laundry over to the dryer. 

I think grocery shopping could be done on line or one of your older kids could be the one to pick stuff  up last minute.  

For me, gettting  everyone to help clean  was critical (even when they were little) - everbody picks  up and then changes their own  bed, then: one kid vaccuums, one kid  dusts, one kid mops,  one  parent does bathrooms the other the kitchen. We could clean the whole  house in 45 minutes. It   does help to start off with a house that does not  need a deep  clean. 

I worked full time when my dh  was gone M - Th  for work  and my kids were  little, but they came to school with  me  so I did  not have to  work and school them later.  

Best of luck - you can do it - you will be  tired, but you can do it!

[Soror]

1 hour ago, Laura Corin said:

Be explicit about what help you need from family. I know they are all busy, but so are you.

Hire a cleaner just for a few months while you are still home educating?

 

26 minutes ago, lmrich said:

I do all of those things, too! 

I exercise before work - hello dry shampoo! 

Run  the dishwasher  every night; put  everything you can it. Unloading it in the am is  easy -  the  kids each had a  part  to do - silverware, top  shelf, bottom shelf - everything put  away in 5 mintues  while I got  breakfast ready (we usually ate it in the car). 

Make the kids lunches ahead of time - even if they are home,   it will keep the   kitchen cleaner. 

When my kids were little, I did a load of  laundry every single night. I gathered all their clothes or the towels or the sheets and washed them as soon as I  got out of the shower and then would fold the items from the dryer giving a chance for my to hair air dry a bit. Usually by the time my hair was dry with a hairdryer, my  teeth were brushed, etc.. it was time to move the laundry over to the dryer. 

I think grocery shopping could be done on line or one of your older kids could be the one to pick stuff  up last minute.  

For me, gettting  everyone to help clean  was critical (even when they were little) - everbody picks  up and then changes their own  bed, then: one kid vaccuums, one kid  dusts, one kid mops,  one  parent does bathrooms the other the kitchen. We could clean the whole  house in 45 minutes. It   does help to start off with a house that does not  need a deep  clean. 

I worked full time when my dh  was gone M - Th  for work  and my kids were  little, but they came to school with  me  so I did  not have to  work and school them later.  

Best of luck - you can do it - you will be  tired, but you can do it!

Thank you for the thoughts!

Your comment and @Laura Corin's gave me a thought about redistributing the daily chores. Mine already help but they could help more and with me being busier they will have to. I'm going to think on that and discuss it with them. As Laura also mentioned I need to be very explicit. I talked to ds earlier but haven't had a talk with the girls yet. Well, I've talked to them vaguely but I've not told them exactly what changes I'm expecting and planning (I've got to figure that out- hence the post here so I can get ideas and think about my plan of action). I've had a solid cleaning routine and a house that is relatively uncluttered for a while so things are in good shape to start.

Last week when I did the weekly/monthly cleaning chores I divided it all up. Today all but one kid was gone and dh was doing homework so I just did it myself. I really should have left tasks for other people. Usually I do most all of the weekly/monthly chores and split the daily stuff with them.  I'll have to change that up.  

Honestly, picking up groceries is not a chore I mind  so I don't care to do it. I'll also being home visits in the town where I shop so I think I should be able to tack it on after a visit one day a week but it is something to consider depending on how things go.

I've started letting dh do kid shuttle on the weekends. Used to I'd turn him down when he offered so he'd have more time for school. It's good for him to take a break from school work anyway. I'm happy to take a break from driving kids 🙂 He is also sharing the load of driving dd1 to school since ds graduated. I told him I refused to do it all. I didn't care if she had to ride a bus but the thought bothered him so he's taking her 3 days a week and helping with picking her up when he can (doesn't always work for his schedule and hers to line up). 

[fraidycat]

I haven't gone to full-time work, so I haven't got much to add for that.

However, regarding the broader topic of household tasks and chores, I literally just downloaded and printed this curriculum this morning and will be looking it over to plan out some lessons to implement with my two grown/almost grown kids over the next few weeks.

https://news.pg.com/news-releases/news-details/2023/From-Home-Ec-to-Home-Equity-PGs-Dawn--Swiffer-brands-partner-with-Hello-Sunshines-Fair-Play-to-Help-Close-the-Chore-Gap-with-New-Curriculum/default.aspx

It is based on the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It's time for mine to learn to take on more if their own mental labour and contribute to the house (and whatever living situations they have in college and beyond) without being asked/told every little thing.

It teaches ownership of a task from conception (noticing it needs to be done) through planning and execution, start to finish. From making medical appointments to taking out the trash or meal planning, planning vacations, etc.

[Kanin]

3 hours ago, MEmama said:

I'll be starting a new job next week (part time, from home) and I already know this is going to be a battle. A major reason I wanted to stay at home while raising DS was because I knew I would shoulder *all* the responsibilities even if I went back to work in an office, and I wasn't willing to do that. I suspect some fraught interesting conversations are in my near future.

Don't even get me started on this. We both work full time but guess who does it all. We've been having those "interesting" conversations for 15 years now.

[footballmom]

It sounds like we are similar in wanting our households to run smoothy while adding a HUGE obligation time and energy wise into the equation. I’m here to tell you, the best hack is lower your standards.  What are the must do’s or must be done daily and weekly - start there. Then distribute between you, DH and kids. Start with index cards of each thing and deal out like a deck of cards. 
 

When I went back to work FT, I also had a younger child in a hybrid homeschool model. My “weekends” were cleaning, organizing for the week ahead and homeschooling. It wasn’t sustainable. Yes, this is foreshadowing. It led to major burnout and a terrible version of myself.

Timeblock time for you EVERY weekend, it’s not negotiable. Grocery shopping is not you time. Make it just as important as paying your mortgage.Learn from my biggest mistake. You and your family will be better for it 
 

[Soror]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

DH was the same way.  He lived at home till we got married when he was almost 26.  He had a large amount of money saved(he was saving for a house even before he met me), which was nice, but he truly has no sense of urgency when it comes to household tasks.  He does a lot around the house, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I think it might have been better not to go from Mom to Wife.

The nice thing is that he often worked really late, and his Mom didn’t keep dinner warm for him lol, so he cooked his own food a lot of the time.  He’s a pretty decent cook and enjoys it, so that at least is a positive.  

 

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Yes. It’s exactly this. It’s one thing I always thought was a negative that he remained at his family home until we got married (He was 31.) There were positives as well, especially his ability to save money in those years, but there was also a liability in that he really has never known in quite the same way the large amount of work it is to keep the household going. He would *say* he knows it’s a lot of work but he has not *truly* experienced it. He hasn’t ever had that, “Well dang, I better do laundry because I literally have no more pants.” 

Interesting thoughts! I hadn't considered dh staying home until we married as related. We got married when dh was 23 so not as much time to get ingrained in bad habits lol. He did do his laundry and kept his room fairly clean. He made himself easy foods but not really cooking (then again his Mom isn't much of a cook either). 

[Sneezyone]

16 hours ago, fraidycat said:

I haven't gone to full-time work, so I haven't got much to add for that.

However, regarding the broader topic of household tasks and chores, I literally just downloaded and printed this curriculum this morning and will be looking it over to plan out some lessons to implement with my two grown/almost grown kids over the next few weeks.

https://news.pg.com/news-releases/news-details/2023/From-Home-Ec-to-Home-Equity-PGs-Dawn--Swiffer-brands-partner-with-Hello-Sunshines-Fair-Play-to-Help-Close-the-Chore-Gap-with-New-Curriculum/default.aspx

It is based on the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It's time for mine to learn to take on more if their own mental labour and contribute to the house (and whatever living situations they have in college and beyond) without being asked/told every little thing.

It teaches ownership of a task from conception (noticing it needs to be done) through planning and execution, start to finish. From making medical appointments to taking out the trash or meal planning, planning vacations, etc.

This looks good. I will co-sign what everyone else has said about bringing the whole family into the planning and execution process and intentionally redistributing the workload. Kids/Spouse can contribute far more than you think.

[Soror]

15 hours ago, fraidycat said:

I haven't gone to full-time work, so I haven't got much to add for that.

However, regarding the broader topic of household tasks and chores, I literally just downloaded and printed this curriculum this morning and will be looking it over to plan out some lessons to implement with my two grown/almost grown kids over the next few weeks.

https://news.pg.com/news-releases/news-details/2023/From-Home-Ec-to-Home-Equity-PGs-Dawn--Swiffer-brands-partner-with-Hello-Sunshines-Fair-Play-to-Help-Close-the-Chore-Gap-with-New-Curriculum/default.aspx

It is based on the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It's time for mine to learn to take on more if their own mental labour and contribute to the house (and whatever living situations they have in college and beyond) without being asked/told every little thing.

It teaches ownership of a task from conception (noticing it needs to be done) through planning and execution, start to finish. From making medical appointments to taking out the trash or meal planning, planning vacations, etc.

Very interesting- looks like something great for us stay at home moms.

14 hours ago, footballmom said:

It sounds like we are similar in wanting our households to run smoothy while adding a HUGE obligation time and energy wise into the equation. I’m here to tell you, the best hack is lower your standards.  What are the must do’s or must be done daily and weekly - start there. Then distribute between you, DH and kids. Start with index cards of each thing and deal out like a deck of cards. 
 

When I went back to work FT, I also had a younger child in a hybrid homeschool model. My “weekends” were cleaning, organizing for the week ahead and homeschooling. It wasn’t sustainable. Yes, this is foreshadowing. It led to major burnout and a terrible version of myself.

Timeblock time for you EVERY weekend, it’s not negotiable. Grocery shopping is not you time. Make it just as important as paying your mortgage.Learn from my biggest mistake. You and your family will be better for it 
 

LOL- I don't consider grocery shopping me time- just that of the tasks to delegate I'm going to pick things I don't like 🙂

Thank you for the warning. I am going to be starved for some downtime. I will have 9 more weeks of hs'ing left (10 weeks including a break week). I'm hoping that it doesn't totally crush me in that amount of time but I need to make sure I try to do what I can to prevent that.

I've had lots of experience with lowering standards. I thought that I'd put that in a reply but maybe it got deleted in an edit. I'm hoping we can keep most things done since it is already routine, the house is clean and organized, and I'm delegating more to the rest of the family but in the end if things have to get dropped we'll prioritize the daily tasks and hit whatever else we can. I have a list I follow for cleaning- Motivated Moms- and it is great because I don't have to think on it and I can easily delegate from there. They already do some of the tasks- they'll just have to do more now.

I'm contemplating school too and any changes we might need here.

 

[BusyMom5]

I know you do a lot of school, and I wanted to say its okay to cut that back, too.  I have no doubt that your kids are ahead of the curve, especially in science and history.   I'd plan to finish up the math, try to finish the LA stuff, and change science and history to things that they can do while you are gone- like TV shows, books, maybe a narration.  Adding new responsibilities can be their school!  

I hope this job works out well for you and your family.  

[katilac]

I like to place pick-up grocery orders, as I can make the order whenever I feel like it, and it's easier to send other people to pick up an order instead of sending them on a full grocery trip (when you're particular, which I admittedly am). You can schedule the pickup for a convenient time, but it's also okay if you're late, they aren't in any hurry to cancel your order and put everything back. 

Definitely budget money AHEAD OF TIME to make your life, and home life in general, easier. That might mean getting the house cleaned, help with the laundry, more convenience foods, whatever. Build it in before that first paycheck ever hits: only X amount is available for the general funds, bc I have already allocated Y amount to my sanity. 

Which job did you wind up taking? 

[Ausmumof3]

For us, school definitely had to become more independent stuff that the kids could handle when I’m not available. I’m lucky that my job is school related so I get a break in the holidays to catch up on cleaning. 

[Soror]

16 hours ago, katilac said:

I like to place pick-up grocery orders, as I can make the order whenever I feel like it, and it's easier to send other people to pick up an order instead of sending them on a full grocery trip (when you're particular, which I admittedly am). You can schedule the pickup for a convenient time, but it's also okay if you're late, they aren't in any hurry to cancel your order and put everything back. 

Definitely budget money AHEAD OF TIME to make your life, and home life in general, easier. That might mean getting the house cleaned, help with the laundry, more convenience foods, whatever. Build it in before that first paycheck ever hits: only X amount is available for the general funds, bc I have already allocated Y amount to my sanity. 

Which job did you wind up taking? 

Social work job working with families in danger of losing their children

 

15 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

For us, school definitely had to become more independent stuff that the kids could handle when I’m not available. I’m lucky that my job is school related so I get a break in the holidays to catch up on cleaning. 

 

21 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

I know you do a lot of school, and I wanted to say its okay to cut that back, too.  I have no doubt that your kids are ahead of the curve, especially in science and history.   I'd plan to finish up the math, try to finish the LA stuff, and change science and history to things that they can do while you are gone- like TV shows, books, maybe a narration.  Adding new responsibilities can be their school!  

I hope this job works out well for you and your family.  

Fingers crossed it does- only one way to find out. The description of the job doesn't makeup me want to crawl in a corner like most of the others I read about and considered so here's hoping. Just thinking of trying to keep it until dh graduates and gets a better job and then reexamine. We'll see!

Two weeks ago I started changing things up for school. Working with kids one day a week on history and science and then giving them stuff to work on their own. Writing is similar but more check uns through the week. So far so good. I'm sure adjustments will have to be made as we go. 

[Amethyst]

You have gotten some great tips about meals and making kids responsible for more chores. I want to add that I think you should prioritize time with your husband. One of the reasons that I don’t mind my longish commute is because that is my downtime; my time for quiet, or listening to podcasts, or whatever. But once I’m home, dh needs attention, and I need his. Just something to think about. 

[mommyoffive]

No advice, just wanted to hear about your first day.  I hope it went well and the job is a good fit!  Congratulations

[Soror]

8 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

No advice, just wanted to hear about your first day.  I hope it went well and the job is a good fit!  Congratulations

I actually didn't end up starting yesterday. There was a miscommunication between the owner and my supervisor about my aunt's services (weren't until 5 pm last night). Plus, this job isn't like a regular job where you have an office to go to. People work at home and do home visits most of the time. But they're having a staff meeting tomorrow so that is the perfect time for me to go and start. Ds is going to drop me off after the funeral so I can pick up my car.

[DawnM]

I think I am fortunate in that we started our marriage with both of us working full time.   We went into marriage sharing the household responsibilities.   My husband actually does quite a bit of the cooking.   And he doesn't mind leftovers.

But truth be told, my house is often much messier than I prefer it to be.   

[Scarlett]

A few thoughts.

With 3 teenagers in the house they should be able to pick up some of the slack.  I would try something like having everyone help at 3 p.m each Sunday.  4 people helping for an hour can get all the weekly chores done.

Teens are all old enough to be doing their own laundry.  Although 13 year old might need some help from 15 year old to stay on task.  Some suggest giving everyone a day that they can have washer dryer to do their laundry.  13 and 15 year old could probably do theirs together on one day.  
Have a family meeting and explain you are adding x amount of work load to your week and everyone needs to pitch in to keep things from falling apart.

Recognize things won’t be the same. Not the same level of clean and neat, not the same amount of cooking etc.  

[Eos]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Have a family meeting

We do these all the time, not scheduled.  Anyone can call it and everyone has to stop what they're doing and show up!  Often it's about logistics and where will everyone be today but we also include who's going to do what household project (we don't call them chores) and by when, so that others can plan in sync.  

[KungFuPanda]

So three people in the house work full time but only one of those people feels responsible for making this work? That’s not going to work at all. You need a list of EVERYTHING and a meeting where nobody can leave until every job is claimed by an able-bodied member of the household. 
 

Your load might be greater, but it shouldn’t be more than 10% greater than the other teens and adults in the family. How many family members are we talking about and what are the ages? Everyone over 12 making one dinner a week and doing their own laundry can go a long way. Everyone being responsible for their bedroom and one other room can also help. A policy where everyone who has eaten them meal sticks around until the kitchen is clean will get that job done quickly. Everyone who is old enough can make their own lunch and clean it up. 
 

The answer isn’t for Mom to hustle every waking moment. That model sets up the next generation to have the same problem. 

[Soror]

17 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

So three people in the house work full time but only one of those people feels responsible for making this work? That’s not going to work at all. You need a list of EVERYTHING and a meeting where nobody can leave until every job is claimed by an able-bodied member of the household. 
 

Your load might be greater, but it shouldn’t be more than 10% greater than the other teens and adults in the family. How many family members are we talking about and what are the ages? Everyone over 12 making one dinner a week and doing their own laundry can go a long way. Everyone being responsible for their bedroom and one other room can also help. A policy where everyone who has eaten them meal sticks around until the kitchen is clean will get that job done quickly. Everyone who is old enough can make their own lunch and clean it up. 
 

The answer isn’t for Mom to hustle every waking moment. That model sets up the next generation to have the same problem. 

Hold up-- I appreciate the indignation on my behalf but wait 🙂

I already had people helping and e had a family meeting last weekend to discuss them helping more. I asked the girls what tasks they would prefer and put more of those on their lists but of course everyone has some things they don't prefer. I talked to ds about helping with driving as that is what would be the most helpful for me. He also does some cleaning when he's here.

Kids are 10, 13, 15, and 18

Each kid is already responsible for their own bedrooms. I help the 10 year old deep clean a few times a year but that's it.

Previously I had each of the 3 older ones cooking one night a week. That got wonky with dd1 being busy and ds working so much. This will be regular again. I'm not asking ds to cook because he is working 6 nights a week at dinner time. Dd2 volunteered to cook an extra night. Dd3- 10 has to have help but she is starting in the rotation. 

When I started teaching in the mornings they started making their own breakfasts. I usually eat my breakfast before the younger 2 are awake and after the other 3 are gone. They usually have sandwiches, ramen, or leftovers for lunch. I usually meal plan my own lunch. So, the only breakfast and lunch I make is my own. The girls will make pancakes or crepes for everyone but I can't eat that stuff so I don't make it.

I don't like each doing their own individual laundry as we do everyone's together but all the kids can do laundry and have helped with this to varying degrees. dd3 prefers laundry so she volunteered to do extra (she was doing everyone's laundry for a spell for some extra money).

My dh doesn't just work FT he also has a FT load of college this semester and has to commute there 1.5 hrs- one way twice a week. He flexes his schedule when he can during the week to help with driving the kids but between work and school he's limited here. On the weekends, he does most if not all the driving. I used to do it all but he kept volunteering and I hate driving so that is a nice break. I've not done well on having him cook as he sucks at it and isn't usually around when we're cooking during the week. I have been having  him help me with dinner some on the weekend. And the other day when I was gone he bought hamburger helper and made it so I bought another package of that for him to make 🙂 This summer I will be calling on him more.

BUT looks like I won't be working a full 40 hours a week for a bit (and really I'm not sure that the other workers actually work that either). The job is part paperwork at home and part visiting clients. Well, I don't have clients yet so I'm just shadowing which means no paperwork (other than all the hiring paperwork). There are only 3 other workers in my county- 1 of those just has 1 client and the other has 2- the third is out this week. This week I'm shadowing on home visits Wed and Fri afternoon. No one has any visits on Thursday. They had told me it was flexible but one never knows how much is just people saying that and how much is true. Well, it seems it as flexible as I was told it would be as she was like nbd when I told her I had appointments Thurs morning, Monday and Tuesday. (I don't usually have that many but had a bunch of things land all at once and some things pop up that were out of my control) I do have some training to do at some point but that will be at home on the computer and I take it that it only comes up so often. Since I have so many appointments I pretty much need to go to home visits whenever I can so school will be very wonky until I get through all these appointments and I start seeing my own clients and make my own schedule.

Only downside so far-- the equipment is not great! The laptop is slow and old. My car is lower mileage and not that old BUT  the inside was trashed. I keep my car detailed drive off the lot clean. She said I could drive another one while they had it cleaned but honestly I looked in the others there and none were what I'd call clean. I had the girls help me do a quick detail of it when I got home. I'm not hardly working this week and I don't mind cleaning cars so whatever. It's been in a few fender benders too so a bit ugly. However, the gas and maintenance is free and it keeps miles off my car.

[KungFuPanda]

4 hours ago, Soror said:

Hold up-- I appreciate the indignation on my behalf but wait 🙂

I already had people helping and e had a family meeting last weekend to discuss them helping more. I asked the girls what tasks they would prefer and put more of those on their lists but of course everyone has some things they don't prefer. I talked to ds about helping with driving as that is what would be the most helpful for me. He also does some cleaning when he's here.

Kids are 10, 13, 15, and 18

Each kid is already responsible for their own bedrooms. I help the 10 year old deep clean a few times a year but that's it.

Previously I had each of the 3 older ones cooking one night a week. That got wonky with dd1 being busy and ds working so much. This will be regular again. I'm not asking ds to cook because he is working 6 nights a week at dinner time. Dd2 volunteered to cook an extra night. Dd3- 10 has to have help but she is starting in the rotation. 

When I started teaching in the mornings they started making their own breakfasts. I usually eat my breakfast before the younger 2 are awake and after the other 3 are gone. They usually have sandwiches, ramen, or leftovers for lunch. I usually meal plan my own lunch. So, the only breakfast and lunch I make is my own. The girls will make pancakes or crepes for everyone but I can't eat that stuff so I don't make it.

I don't like each doing their own individual laundry as we do everyone's together but all the kids can do laundry and have helped with this to varying degrees. dd3 prefers laundry so she volunteered to do extra (she was doing everyone's laundry for a spell for some extra money).

My dh doesn't just work FT he also has a FT load of college this semester and has to commute there 1.5 hrs- one way twice a week. He flexes his schedule when he can during the week to help with driving the kids but between work and school he's limited here. On the weekends, he does most if not all the driving. I used to do it all but he kept volunteering and I hate driving so that is a nice break. I've not done well on having him cook as he sucks at it and isn't usually around when we're cooking during the week. I have been having  him help me with dinner some on the weekend. And the other day when I was gone he bought hamburger helper and made it so I bought another package of that for him to make 🙂 This summer I will be calling on him more.

BUT looks like I won't be working a full 40 hours a week for a bit (and really I'm not sure that the other workers actually work that either). The job is part paperwork at home and part visiting clients. Well, I don't have clients yet so I'm just shadowing which means no paperwork (other than all the hiring paperwork). There are only 3 other workers in my county- 1 of those just has 1 client and the other has 2- the third is out this week. This week I'm shadowing on home visits Wed and Fri afternoon. No one has any visits on Thursday. They had told me it was flexible but one never knows how much is just people saying that and how much is true. Well, it seems it as flexible as I was told it would be as she was like nbd when I told her I had appointments Thurs morning, Monday and Tuesday. (I don't usually have that many but had a bunch of things land all at once and some things pop up that were out of my control) I do have some training to do at some point but that will be at home on the computer and I take it that it only comes up so often. Since I have so many appointments I pretty much need to go to home visits whenever I can so school will be very wonky until I get through all these appointments and I start seeing my own clients and make my own schedule.

Only downside so far-- the equipment is not great! The laptop is slow and old. My car is lower mileage and not that old BUT  the inside was trashed. I keep my car detailed drive off the lot clean. She said I could drive another one while they had it cleaned but honestly I looked in the others there and none were what I'd call clean. I had the girls help me do a quick detail of it when I got home. I'm not hardly working this week and I don't mind cleaning cars so whatever. It's been in a few fender benders too so a bit ugly. However, the gas and maintenance is free and it keeps miles off my car.

It sounds like  you have a good team.  I'll stand down. 

[Soror]

First week is almost done. I'm shadowing another home visit this evening for about an hour and that finishes my week.

So glad they have been as flexible as they said they would be.

Thankful it has been so light- by the end of the week my working hours will be about 6. I had so much stuff going on this week- stuff I hadn't really planned for when I started this process that just happened to come up this week. 

So far I am still excited about the new opportunity. I'm excited about the chance to use my brain in different ways. I'm excited for more adult interaction. I loved staying home in the pandemic but I think it was too much time at home coupled with too much stress. I've contemplated whether or not I'd work and if I did what I'd do for years- especially so since dh's work started having problems and I started working at home. I've had a lot of anxiety over it and so much anxiety about the kids going to school. Now, I'm feeling much more at peace with it. I'm glad I'm not trying to start work at the same time as them going to school so I can adjust to one change at a time. I know there will be some ups and downs and adjustments when they go, just like with the older two and I'm very glad that I'm not dealing with the adjustments of going back to work at the same time. By that point I'll be seeing clients and able to make my own schedule which will make it much easier to schedule around our family life. Ideally I would have started in May as I'd originally planned but it worked out to start now and we really needed the money. Speaking of money- part of my peace is less anxiety about money. Having financial security is huge for me and there was things going on that really had me unsettled.

So- I know there will be bad and good things about all these changes- every choice comes with pros and cons but that is life. You can't have everything (and I plan to keep reminding myself that as we go through this). 

I've still got no idea on the long term plans but I'm not trying to think that far ahead. This job seems like a good fit for now so I'm going to roll with it. My current goal is to work at least until dh graduates and gets a promotion next May- then I'll reevaluate.

Next week is another crazy week but not as much other stuff going on so I'm relieved for that. 

Edited February 10, 2023 by Soror

[Scarlett]

@Soror I prefer to do everyone’s laundry together too.  I think it is more efficient.  I did everyone’s laundry up until  dss was about 17. 

[Soror]

1 month in at the new job---

The first 2 weeks were stupid busy due to so many family appointments and things with the kids but things continue to settle down (well as settled as it is going to be for the time being). I'm still shadowing as I'm not in the system yet (which is a whole big thing- government bureacracy). At this point, I go on more home visits than I will when I'm working but I'm not doing any paperwork. From what I've seen, I expect I'll be busier than I am now but I'll likely be home more. The paperwork thankfully I can more easily work around our schedules.

For 4 weeks we've done weekend school to prepare for the week ahead just in case I was too busy to school with them. The first 2 weeks we needed it but the last 2 weren't as busy and we ended up finishing the school week early (the girls loved that). Most of my visits have been in the afternoon so it's not been terrible to work school around them. This weekend we're going to try skipping weekend school. If kiddos change their minds and decide to stay home or come home next year I think I'll still be able to school them. If they were younger it wouldn't work but at their ages I think we could do it. Thankfully I have many more months to see how it goes before school starts so I can have realistic expectations.

For household tasks what has worked well--- increasing responsibilities for the kids and doing all the weekly/monthly/seasonal/yearly cleaning tasks at one time, whenever we have time on the weekend. For food, I do some prep here and there, some easy meals and kids also cook some doing the week. 

I still can't believe I jumped right into this, but I've not regretted it. I still feel excited. I think I needed to just go for it. I also think that I needed to have something for myself to ease this transition out of hs'ing. I think it would have been harder for me to have them go off to school and have all that time to myself at home to think about the loss. I really wasn't sure about going back into social work but couldn't reconcile it with thinking, again I think I just needed to get back in there. Right now, I think I'll stay in SW and am contemplating going for my Master's BUT I wouldn't even attempt that until after dh graduates. I think it will be good to work at it a bit and then see how I feel. Maybe I'll change my mind and decide to go into something else. Maybe I will decide this job is a great fit with kids in school and just keep at it. 

Even though the pay isn't great it really eases my mind  that there is more room in the budget. I've loved staying at home but I also highly, highly prioritize financial security. I like that we have a paycheck if dh were to lose his job. I like that we'll be able to help dc more, do home improvement jobs, not everyone have to drive 15-20 yr old vehicles, and travel. We've religiuosly budgeted and tracked every cent but you can only stretch so much.

 

[BusyMom5]

I'm so glad its working out!  

[mommyoffive]

Awww @Soror I am so happy for you that it is working out so well!!