Advice on my niece

[Gamom3]

SIL called last night to talk..she said she had just called the police on her daughter. That she had been with someone that was smoking pot and that she is pretty sure she was too.

Niece has been skipping school, SIL talked with the school and they said they can't do anything unless she is caught..ok what is the school doing if they don't catch these kids!?!?! Also a sub told her that, if daughter is wanting to have s*x then they will AT school. The school does NOTHING!!! She also said that she has not passed a grade since 6th grade that they have just been pushing her through. Niece also has a cell phone that is NOT hers, she put pictures on it..showing her in her undies..that she made her little brother take!

She has been having s*x in her mom's home while mom is at work!

She has been stealing from her mom.

 

Last night SIL had had it and called the police asking them to help her, they came out and said there was nothing that they could do. SIL asked them if they could take her to YDC or something. They said no. Niece looked at mom and said, "See they didn't do anything!"

When we were growing up if you skipped school you went to YDC.

SIL said she had talked with someone that said she has to go through steps and she has to go to juvenile court to file papers on her daughter!!!

She is upset that she can't get help now before it's to late!

 

Other than filing the papers she doesn't know what to do.

Right now SIL's bf is taking daughter to a friends house about 3hrs away so she can get the paper work done and have her monitored...this is the only thing she knows to do.

She is a single mom of 3 and works M-F 8-5.

She called daughter's dad and her dad said do what you have to, I don't want her!!

 

I asked her if she could have her dropped off at her job so she could be watched at all times, she said she didn't have a way to do that since she gets out at 3:30, the bus doesn't come down that street and she can't leave work at that time and it doesn't help her skipping class/school.

 

She said she thought about boarding school, but she can't afford it.

 

She is afraid for her younger two. She said her sons teacher called and said they were concerned for ds, that he has been writing about how he wishes ds would stop beating on them!!! So she is hurting the younger two children while mom is not around. She is probably threatening them if they tell mom that she is going to hurt them or someone else will!

 

Anyone have any advice or suggestions??

 

OH niece is 15 will be 16 in January

[shell in SC]

Lots of hugs and prayers. . .I have been in the same situation with DD and all I can say is thank God she's now 18. I'm PM'ing you as well.

[Harriet Vane]

Your friend needs to take another look at boarding school. There is often financial assistance available. At least give it a try before giving up on the idea.

 

I do have a friend who sent her son first to a boarding school, then later to a ranch for troubled kids.

 

Also, depending on her location your friend might be able to place her daughter at an alternative school. I have a relative who attended one post-drug-rehab. It was much, much smaller and more tightly monitored than the local public school.

 

Finally, can your friend consider altering her work hours? I am concerned about her younger kids alone with their big sister.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

She sounds just like my own niece who will be 18 in 16 months.

 

The school has bent over backwards and pushed her through. She steals from her parents and has been caught shoplifting and driving without a license. She attends school sporadically, frequently leaving in the middle of the day.

 

She has never once suffered consequences for her actions. She is on probation and her shoplifiting fines were paid by mom. Whenever she's in trouble and my brother starts to lay down boundaries, she starts throwing up (bulimic) and starves herself into the hospital. She curses him out all the time.

 

For the past 2.5 years she has been under the care of a psychiatrist. Recently she has been caught smoking. Psychiatrist tells her that she should continue smoking if it calms her nerves. :001_huh: She is on anti-depressents and the pill.

 

I don't know what avenue parents have these days. My brother has missed so much work trying to track her down, making sure she gets to school and taking her to talk to her shrink and/or hospital that I worry for his job.

 

I don't know how some parents survive their kids teenage years. My own mother was mentally ill during my teenage years, so I was left to take care of myself and was very autonomous. Honestly, I think my niece and perhaps yours is trying to take some control over their lives but they don't have the tools and are frustrated. I had a lot of say in what I was doing in my teenage years - but I didn't make a mess of those years like she is.

 

I just don't know what your SIL can do except count the months until her daughter is 18 and let her know that she needs to start preparing to take care of herself. If she is abusing the other children, I would hope your SIL reports it and has her charged. It might be a wake-up call - but probably not.

 

Hugs

K

[Chris in VA]

Have her see if there is an Alcohol and Drug Services (ADS) department of her county. This is the route we took with our ds. They can do an evaluation and see how deep her disfunction is. Our county is great with programs, helps of all kinds, etc. I'd tell her to go to Al-Anon, too.

 

Be careful of alternative schools. They are populated with kids who have problems, and the peer interactions can be damaging. If there are theraputic measures in place, it's easier on everyone, but just a center for potential drop-outs, for example, is not a panacea.

 

Sounds like they need intensive help, including family counseling, and it sounds like the daughter has multiple issues that won't get better on their own. Honestly, I'd get her out of the house, out of her school, out of her current peer group, and into residential for treatment--a non-coed residential program for dual-diagnosed kids. But I'm not a Dr. Get her assessed.

[sweetTN]

Have her see if there is an Alcohol and Drug Services (ADS) department of her county. This is the route we took with our ds. They can do an evaluation and see how deep her disfunction is. Our county is great with programs, helps of all kinds, etc. I'd tell her to go to Al-Anon, too.

 

Be careful of alternative schools. They are populated with kids who have problems, and the peer interactions can be damaging. If there are theraputic measures in place, it's easier on everyone, but just a center for potential drop-outs, for example, is not a panacea.

 

Sounds like they need intensive help, including family counseling, and it sounds like the daughter has multiple issues that won't get better on their own. Honestly, I'd get her out of the house, out of her school, out of her current peer group, and into residential for treatment--a non-coed residential program for dual-diagnosed kids. But I'm not a Dr. Get her assessed.

 

:iagree:

 

We had a similar situation with dn and it almost destroyed our family. We filed papers against him as "out of control". Fortunately, we had a wonderful juvenile counselor who bent over backwards for us as a family, and to get him the help he needed. We were able to have him placed in a safe, controlled environment where he could get help dealing with his issues.

[Cheryl in NM]

Do you have a girls ranch available in your area? We thought about that for my step-daughter, but her mom wouldn't sign so sd went to live with her mom. She bounced back and forth for the next 5 years and is now living on her own, holds a job and will be starting college in Jan. There is hope. Your story sounds almost exactly like ours!

[shell in SC]

I'm agreeing with Chris on the alternative school. That was NOT an option for us although DD wanted it to be. She knew the kids that were there were the partying, druggies and kids she had cut school with, so it wasn't a big deal for her. We took that off the table the first time she mentioned it.