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This is just a vent

Drama Llama

By Drama Llama,
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Lecka

Lecka

Posted
Posted

That would really frustrate me too, but he is an adult and can make his own decisions.

I would hope maybe there was a plan for him to call for back-up if he needed to, even though maybe there was no such plan.  Maybe he could have called if he needed to, though.

I always had feelings that my sister took advantage of grandparents for babysitting, but in the end her kids got older and it quit being an issue.

I also thought she was oblivious to her kids being “too much” for the grandparents watching them.

The grandparents wanted to do it, though!

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Drama Llama

Drama Llama

Posted
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Posted
12 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Well, remember the old saying -- Don't borrow trouble. Your FIL may have done just fine, and had a fun day out with the kids. There's no point in worrying about it, anyway. If he ends up too tired, hopefully he will learn a lesson for next time. 🙂 

I know, just venting here and not to anyone in the family.  

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Harriet Vane

Harriet Vane

Posted
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1 minute ago, Baseballandhockey said:

They are leaving to grab dinner and go to the next game.  My kid's not playing, so I texted him to do all the baby chasing.  That's OK right?

Good call. That's just between you and your boy--he's well able to do it, and it's a kindness to someone you really care about. 

But also keep in mind that he should not ever be alone-alone with SIL's kids. So for example, your fil would do all diaper changes, but your son is the one who scampers after an excited toddler who's running across the room.

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Lecka

Lecka

Posted
Posted

I would hope he wouldn’t need to be told!  My husband would be offended. But I think it’s thoughtful if it would be welcome!

 

I have vented to my husband many times about this issue, but I only brought it up extremely rarely to my parents, and I never got a good reception from them — they always said they were happy to do it.

 

So it was really something where “I” didn’t like it and thought it was SO rude, but my opinion was not shared.

 

I thought my sister should just spend the time with grandparents, too, instead of always having a reason to need babysitting.

 

My sister also ended up not spending much time with grandparents or “requiring” her kids to make time for grandparents, once they were old enough not to need babysitting.  Or that was my opinion!  I think she was just really entitled on the whole issue, plus thinking her kids were so wonderful who wouldn’t want to spend time with them?  She didn’t think it was “work” to watch her kids.  
 

Well — I am just very different than my sister in this way, I guess is the bottom line.  
 

We are on good terms, but I have way more boundaries than in the past.  Now I see her one-on-one and we have a great time that way and have time to chat.  I avoid/limit larger gatherings with her.  I am planning NOT to have holidays with her.  
 

She is really a nice person but just clueless with some things.  

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Lecka

Lecka

Posted
Posted

I think it’s very appropriate for the other SIL to do what she can!  She may not be able to do much, or maybe , hopefully, she will get through or just decide to take things on in place of the grandfather.

 

To some extent I just helped with my nieces to reduce the burden on my parents.  It worked to some extent, but also didn’t work to some extent.  
 

My sister remained clueless in this area. 
 

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Annie G

Annie G

Posted
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Could it be a third option? Like could she simply be oblivious to what he was already doing and just selfishly wanted less workload for herself? Wasn’t her husband also home with her? 
Not that being self centered is easier to fix than being in crisis, but it might be an explanation. 

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Annie G

Annie G

Posted
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I mean, it does sound like she’s been struggling since she had the baby, based on some of your previous posts.    You’ve never presented as anything but gracious and caring here, and you definitely give people the benefit of the doubt.  You were worried about your fil, but you didn’t jump in and try to change the situation. That’s a pretty good balance, I’d say. Concerned he was taking on too much but letting it play out. 
 

However, if she is struggling, I’d hope she’s doing more than just letting family members help w childcare. Baby is a toddler- that’s a long time to struggle without seeking some professional help. 

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KungFuPanda

KungFuPanda

Posted
Posted (edited)

I think this SIL is going to raise 4 kids through to adulthood without ever taking care of all of them by herself for more than a day at a time. Gotta admire her ingenuity. 

I wouldn’t overthink it  FIL is a grown man.  He could say no . . . or send a photo and get someone to do it for him  . 😂 

 

Edited by KungFuPanda
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catz

catz

Posted
Posted (edited)

The thing is she may be struggling.  I had some pretty long running PPD myself with my first after a complicated pregnancy and delivery.  So to say that I get it is an understatement.  That said, I also don't think it's unreasonable to assume that isn't the case if someone isn't giving you a heads up and some insight into why this much extra help is needed.  Relationships should be two way.  That family has stepped up for yours.  But OP, you have certainly reciprocated over and over and over.  Just the amount of food care and planning you've discussed here is dizzying to me.  

I have felt badly for those kids for some time now.  I'm glad your FIL is doing better.  ❤️  

Edited by catz
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Bambam

Bambam

Posted
Posted

As a mom, there is no way I would consider letting Grandpa take two teens + an active 2 year old for 12 hours in one day. Add in Grandpa is just getting over sickness, absolutely no way unless I need emergency surgery and there is NO one else.  When my kids were 2, they were pretty compliant, but they were still trouble for that long  - especially if you didn't know their routine + not at their home.  I would be worried sick about the 2 yo's safety (maybe that's unreasonable, but there it is) - even if the two teens were super helpful, they do have other activities to do. 

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Faith-manor

Faith-manor

Posted
Posted

Okay, sil1 is such a narcissistic B that I really wish everyone would tell her where to go and when to get there. Good on you for not fixing it. Grandpa needs to take a stand against that woman.

Other sil, ya, I get how she feels, and why she sent her hubby to the rescue.

I get the wanting to go to family dinner today. Switzerland is a good idea. However, I would not have attended. Thankfully, I am taking another engineering class ad well as a physics class that is kicking my tushy.  "I am so sorry. I need to study today and can't spare the time!" That would be my easy out avoiding the drama. 

Hugs! She is a pie e of the wrong kind of work. But you did nothing wrong, and I am sure the 12 year olds enjoyed themselves. Grandpa seems like such a sweet, long suffering man.

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Harriet Vane

Harriet Vane

Posted
Posted

The behavior is a concern, whether it's because she's selfish and self-centered or because she's got PPD or both. I don't think you're in much position to do anything about it, though, since she has clearly made you and your kids her targets numerous times. She needs help one way or another, but I think it will have to come from elsewhere. In the meantime all you can do is protect your own kids. 

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catz

catz

Posted
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Oh ok, I didn't know there was known diagnosis/history, that definitely makes a difference.  I personally think it's super troubling she can't manage all her kids at this point.  I also think it's super troubling if she is lashing out, making demands, targeting you and yours and not owning and talking about this as an issue.  

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Lecka

Lecka

Posted
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I think you FIL had options and it’s not your job to overthink whether or not you should have jumped in on his behalf.

 

It sounds like you SIL had responded.

 

It sounds like your FIL has options.

 

I honestly think with you as an in-law and targeted by your SIL — let others handle it.
 

I am just going to say — there are options besides family care, for her kids.  They could hire a babysitter.  Other family members could chip in for a babysitter.  It’s an option, it exists!  
 

I think there are times there are problems but they aren’t problems a given person can solve.  I think this is one of those times.  

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