Do you have any advise for me regarding my mother?

[Desert Rat]

Without boring you all to tears with the long and complicated history....here's the short version.

 

My mom and I had an awesome relationship until about 2 years ago. Then things started going down hill, fast. She has a strained relationship with my very ill dad. She is unhappy and has alienated all of her friends. She has a lot of back pain which she refuses to consider surgery for. She's an RN and self medicates to the point where my brother and I truly believe she is an addict and treat her as such. She has become verbally abusive and none of us want to be around her. This simply makes her more abusive. I do live only 2 blocks away and do most of their household cleaning. My brother helps with the shopping and maintenance. BTW, she is only 56.

 

So, fast forward to today. She calls all chipper this morning and asks me to attend a counseling session with her....next Monday. 3 days before Christmas. She knows that I'm having my in-laws over on Wednesday and that too is strained. I have a lot on my plate and responded with the answer that I'd go but not next week. Not before Christmas. It's bad enough I have to play nice in front of my kids. I feel that she is doing this just to agitate me because she knows I'm here with my boys and there's nothing I can do but sit here and stew. Lately, I've been taking my frustration out on my boys which breaks my heart. And now I'm feeling miserable because either way next week is going to be rough. I wish now that I just said that I would go next week and get it over with because I will just sit and fret about it. Either way I feel she has won. I would sever all ties with her if it weren't for my dad. He doesn't have much time left and I really want to spend it with him and helping him. I've begged him to move in with me but he says he will always honor his wedding vows.

 

I know she's sick. I know that I'm responsible for how she makes me feel, not her. It still doesn't change the fact that she manipulates me and I let her.

So would you go next week or wait? How can I keep my head above water when I just feel like sinking and giving up? If you've read this far, thank you. Part of me just needs the vent. The other part really does need advise from someone who doesn't know our family.

Background on me, I was raised in a Christian home. My dad's a retired Methodist minister, but I am no longer a believer. Yet another long story, but this info may help guide your advise.

Thanks Hive Mind.

[Pink Fairy]

No advice, but lot's of :grouphug:'s. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you--it sounds like you are under a tremendous amount of stress and strain. More :grouphug:'s!

[Night Elf]

I can relate. My mom is sick too but refuses to even consider the possibility. In fact, my sister called me friday night to discuss a recent incident that occurred in front of my grandmother and aunt (my mom's mother and sister). Everyone is on Red Alert wondering if my mom is going to do something crazy and also wondering if we should prepare some kind of intervention. What a mess.

 

Why does your mom need you to go with her to the counseling session? Is this something you normally do?

 

I've disengaged from my mother as much as possible. (An intervention will likely cut her out of my life completely.) I love her and try to talk with her occasionally but I don't go in for her drama. That's probably why she doesn't call me much. I just stopped playing her games.

[Laurel]

:grouphug: I would do exactly as you've said. Go to counseling with her, but not right before Christmas.

 

You might also consider a few counseling sessions for yourself. It may help you to have an objective party to talk to, to remind you that your feelings are valid and reasonable, and just to have a safe space to vent.

 

More :grouphug:. Sounds like you have a stressful week coming up.

[Desert Rat]

She wants to me to attend because she is under this delusion that nothing that is happening in her life is her fault. It's my dad's. My brother's. Mine. I've never gone with her before although my dad has and my brother has wanted to. I think that's really why I don't want to go with her because I feel it will be an attack on me or, worse, turn out to be an attack on her. I don't want to do that. I just want my nice mom back.

[lionfamily1999]

I have nothing, but the deepest sympathy to offer. Maybe you should go next week and hijack the session. If your mom is anything like mine, and it sounds like she is, then the whole thing could be a long rant about how YOU are the cause of all her problems. My husband and I have both attended such therapy sessions with our respective mothers. It made our mothers feel spectacular, to dump their problems directly upon our heads. We, however, ended up feeling raw and low. If you go, go knowing that it could be an attempt to project your mother's issues to your feet.

 

Personally, I'd put it off put it off put it off... and then procrastinate. Then, I dislike confrontations and that's pretty much my mantra for anything confrontational.

 

I could, very easily, be completely wrong. It could be your mother reaching out to you to apologize, to ask for support, to "fix" herself.

 

Either way, I'd wait till after Christmas.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it is great that she wants to go to counseling. And I guess I would have asked why she chose that day to go. Was it because it was the only opening and she wouldn't be able to go for months afterward? Was it just because it worked for her but she hadn't thought through how busy you would be (either unintentionally because she is self absorbed or intentionally because she's trying to make things difficult for you)?

 

If there really wasn't another day to choose then I would try to go. For her to go to counseling is a step in the right direction.

 

But I would also explain (as you did) that this is a busy time for you and would can only go after Christmas. That is perfectly reasonable.

 

Do you want to go to counseling with her and to try and heal not only this relationship but to possibly find healing for your mom? Don't answer me - but I do think this is worth asking yourself. And I understand that it might be a difficult question to ask yourself.

 

Oops. I just read what you posted while I was writing. Do you know the counselor at all? Can you call the counselor and tell him that you've been asked to attend but are worried that it will be simply an attack on you? I would think that a counselor worth their salt wouldn't allow that to happen.

Edited December 15, 2008 by Jean in Newcastle

[Desert Rat]

Sounds exactly like my mom, Julie. That's what I anticipate happening. I do want to help her but she's been going to counseling on and off for the 25 years. I'm just plain tired of it. I wish so much that I could just take all the bad thoughts out of her head because honestly nothing new has happened in the last 5 years to warrant therapy. This is the same old stuff. Over and over and over.

I do want her healed. I do want to help her but I don't think I'm willing to sacrifice myself in the process.

[lionfamily1999]

Oh Kalah.

 

My mom tries, I know that deep down she TRIES, but I don't believe she is able to see beyond herself. That hurts, it hurts ME.

 

If you really, really believe that this is what it was for me, go armed. I was so taken aback, so shocked when the therapist started detailing the ways that I hurt my mother, that my only responses were apologies and promises to try harder. Go, if you feel you should. Go PREPARED. If it is an apology or an attempt to reconcile, then you can be pleasantly surprised. Again, if our moms are really so similar, then know that while she may forget your birthday, she remembers the dates and times of every single mistake you've ever made, and they will be trounced out.

 

This will sound incredibly stupid, possibly pat, but please understand that it is meant from the heart. I'm sorry, I understand, and although I don't know you, my heart aches for you. Moms are blocks upon which the universe rests and when they use their children as excuses, I don't think they really know how cruel it is. I'm sure your mom loves you, no matter how differently it may seem. I wish I could tell you how to "fix" this, but the best I can do is smile, nod, try to ignore it and only say something when the rudeness goes above and beyond, or in those rare instances when my mother asks 'why' people treat her the way they do.

 

My mom used to be the most incredible, capable, smart, reliable, dependable woman in the world. She taught myself and my sibs manners, ettiquette, respect and all the skills we needed to live. I do not know what happened, but it hurts to see this rude, selfcentered person parading around in my mommy's skin.

[Harriet Vane]

Your instincts are good. Trust your first instinct. Don't go right before Christmas. Do try to find a way--somehow--to put it from your mind and enjoy the holiday.

 

If you choose to go, please go WITH someone (your dh? your brother?). This counselor may or may not be someone you can trust. While I am a strong advocate for counseling, I am well aware that a certification does NOT a qualified counselor make.

 

Also, when you choose to go, please bring a WRITTEN list of your version. Put it in list form, with brief words or phrases, so that you can easily see what's there (as opposed to paragraphs which are harder to skim).

 

I have a difficult mother too. You can pm me if you want. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

 

So, fast forward to today. She calls all chipper this morning and asks me to attend a counseling session with her....next Monday. .

 

Whoa. Did you know this is coming? This is suspiciously similar to what happened to a friend. The "counseling session" was a "dear daughter, you are sick and need help and I'm here to help explain all your problems so you can start seeing this counselor who will know all your problems from the get-go, and it will work so much faster that way".

 

I would be cautious.

[Maria from IN]

Sounds exactly like my mom, Julie. That's what I anticipate happening. I do want to help her but she's been going to counseling on and off for the 25 years. I'm just plain tired of it. I wish so much that I could just take all the bad thoughts out of her head because honestly nothing new has happened in the last 5 years to warrant therapy. This is the same old stuff. Over and over and over.

I do want her healed. I do want to help her but I don't think I'm willing to sacrifice myself in the process.

 

Twenty-five years? Oh, my gracious.

 

The only person she can change is herself. Surely she's heard that enough in the last quarter century. The same goes for you, too--short of prayers and well wishes there's only so much you can do for her pain. She knows that. It seems to me like you're just next on the list.

 

We cannot change the people in our lives, but we can change the way we react to the people in our lives.

 

I can relate. My mother's so chock full of anxiety that she has tried to control everything that goes on around her, including my brother and me. I live a block away from her now, and it's not pleasant. My dad is gone, so the buffer is no longer there. As her anxiety increases she becomes more tearful, then manipulative, then out and out screaming. She has been to therapy for the last several months, but I know for a fact that she will never tell the psychologist how mean and manipulative and physically abusive she was to us--and he will never understand why my brother and I react the way we do. That's why I will never go to a session if she asks me--I don't think he'll believe me.

 

My mother is a person to be endured until her last breath. I will treat her with the respect that any human being deserves until her last day on this earth. Then I will go on with my life the way I see fit--and probably enter therapy myself.

 

You don't have to sacrifice yourself in the process. If after 25 years of therapy she still can't see that, then it's her problem. You have a major holiday coming up with little ones and a sick father.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

All the best to you during this trying time.

[Desert Rat]

Thank you all for your well wishes and advise, it is truly appreciated. I'm so sorry that there are other daughters out there going through similar scenarios with moms. It's so sad to me but it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one out there.

I will take all of your thoughts to heart and have talked to my dh, who is very supportive, and I have decided to put off the session until after the holidays. She goes every week so it won't be an issue of not being able to get an appointment.

Thank you again. Much obliged.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

With this kind of person it's really important just to have firm boundaries in place, and get rid of any emotional garbage that comes up in yourself in a healthy way (guilt, anger, resentment, anxiety). Find an outlet that takes your focus off yourself for a little while each day and helps you re-center. Exercise, yoga, art, volunteering, time with friends are examples that come to mind.

 

Decide what is acceptable for you to do for/with your mom and then only do that. Don't get sucked into the vortex. I have a vortex mom, too, but that vortex is not as big as yours- although she does live with me, does that count? LOL.