empty nest....biggest adjustment??

[kfeusse]

We are taking our youngest child to college on Friday.  After 21 years we will be empty nesters.  I know that for others, that time is much longer than 21 years....we had our 3 kids close together....and we went from a full nest to an empty nest in 4 years.   Big adjustment fairly quickly. 

I have a part time job (16 hours a week) and lots of projects that I hope to work on....so I doubt I will have a hard time filling my time up...so I know that is good. 

I am wondering what the biggest (good, bad or in different) adjustment was for others (who still hang out in the hive) who have gone through that.  

thanks for sharing your stories.

[Bootsie]

My biggest adjustment has been figuring out how many groceries to buy and how large of meals to cook.  

[regentrude]

I had always worked part-time while homeschooling and went back to full -time when the oldest went to college. 
My biggest adjustment was that, while I was able to "fill the time", I was lacking a sense of purpose and was intellectually bored
I have written about it back then, and there as long thread with many valuable responses, so I'll link it here:

 I solved the problem with hard soul searching and trying out lots of things, finally threw myself into writing and completely redefined myself.
It was hard and took several years.

Edited August 15, 2022 by regentrude

[skimomma]

2 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

My biggest adjustment has been figuring out how many groceries to buy and how large of meals to cook.  

This.  I have always been a big cooker and scaling that down has been difficult.  Usually I can just freeze excess leftovers so no harm really but I could just learn to scale down a little.  When dh is traveling and my brain is on autopilot, I am sometimes eating the same meal for days on end because I didn't think it through.  Luckily, I am usually OK with that. 

The house is a LOT cleaner and stays that way longer.

I work from home and while it is nice that I no longer have distractions during my work day, I so miss the daily noise and interactions.  Dd calls me almost every day and she is local so I do get to see her whenever she has time, but the absence of instrument practicing, playing with the cat, online school zooms, etc.... has been hard to get used to. 

No daily squabbling over the shared vehicles.  But also no one to help me shovel the driveway.

My experience was a slow slide as dd was taking more and more DE and online classes while I increased my working load.  So it was not drastic.  All and all, the pros and cons seem to balance nicely.  Christmas break did nearly kill us all though!  It was great at first but by week three, the mess alone was starting to wear on me.

[Jenny in Florida]

Like regentrude, my biggest challenge was (and is) that I lack a sense of purpose or meaning in my daily life. I've gone back to work full time, gone back to school, volunteered, tried to cultivate hobbies, etc. But all of it feels to me like I'm just finding ways to fill my time. None of it "matters" to me like parenting did. 

Unlike regentrude, I have not yet found a way to cope well with this. 

[KidsHappen]

Getting everyone to take their stuff with them when they leave. For some reason some of my children seem to think that mom's house is where they store stuff that they don't need right now but might need someday. And some of them would absolutely die (figuratively of course) if got rid of their things but are themselves in no hurry to move it themselves. We are kind of in limbo right now but we are hoping that when it is time to downsize they will realize that we no longer have room for storing their stuff and will move it in a timely manner.

[Bambam]

1 hour ago, Bootsie said:

My biggest adjustment has been figuring out how many groceries to buy and how large of meals to cook.  

I agree with this. And when I got it figured out, one kid moved back home as the dorms closed due to COVID!  So, then I had to relearn again, and then she moved out again, then home for the summer, etc. 

Another pretty big adjustment was the quietness. Not just the sound level but the fact there weren't people coming/going regularly. 

Last child leaves for college this Friday again. She is a senior now. We are looking forward to the quiet again. We enjoy when the kids visit, but we also enjoy our quiet time when they aren't here. 

[Jenny in Florida]

I solved the "how much to cook/how much food to buy" question by basically just not cooking anymore. I continued for a while, but then my work schedule seriously diverged from my husband's, and we kind of got out of the habit of planning/making/eating meals together. Even now that we're both back on a pretty traditional 9-5 schedule, we both mostly do our own thing, food-wise. 

He likes to go to the market two or three times a week as entertainment; I do not find it entertaining or pleasant to shop with him. We keep a write-on/wipe-off board on the 'fridge and just write down what we need/want. He snaps a picture of the board before he heads to the market, and groceries magically appear. Maybe once or twice a week, we'll decide to have a meal together, but I'm honestly out of practice even cooking these days.

[Frances]

W

Edited August 17, 2022 by Frances

[MEmama]

I was surprised that instead of being hit with the expected sadness or emptiness, I was stricken with a crushing sense of feeling *burned out*. I don’t think I’d had any sense of how much energy it has taken me to support DS and to hold this family together.

I lost my job during the early days of Covid and have yet to replace it, but it’s clear that I need to find something for *myself*. I can’t go on just being the support person for everyone/ anyone else, but a year in I still don’t know what that means for me. 

Edited August 15, 2022 by MEmama

[Selkie]

Our kids are also close in age (3 kids in 4 years), and youngest left for college last fall. We love the empty nest.

Positives:

Finally having time and energy to do all the things that I wanted to do but couldn’t when I was up to my ears in day to day parenting. Also less laundry, less cooking, less mess.

Negatives:

None that I can think of...🙂

[stephanier.1765]

48 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

I solved the "how much to cook/how much food to buy" question by basically just not cooking anymore. I continued for a while, but then my work schedule seriously diverged from my husband's, and we kind of got out of the habit of planning/making/eating meals together. Even now that we're both back on a pretty traditional 9-5 schedule, we both mostly do our own thing, food-wise. 

He likes to go to the market two or three times a week as entertainment; I do not find it entertaining or pleasant to shop with him. We keep a write-on/wipe-off board on the 'fridge and just write down what we need/want. He snaps a picture of the board before he heads to the market, and groceries magically appear. Maybe once or twice a week, we'll decide to have a meal together, but I'm honestly out of practice even cooking these days.

That's what my DH and I eventually evolved into. It's strange not to look at the clock and think I need to start cooking dinner. We are both happier and less stressed, though, so it works well for us. The hard part now is trying to remember how to cook when the holidays roll around or we have visitors. LOL

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, KidsHappen said:

Getting everyone to take their stuff with them when they leave. For some reason some of my children seem to think that mom's house is where they store stuff that they don't need right now but might need someday. And some of them would absolutely die (figuratively of course) if got rid of their things but are themselves in no hurry to move it themselves. We are kind of in limbo right now but we are hoping that when it is time to downsize they will realize that we no longer have room for storing their stuff and will move it in a timely manner.

We are dealing with this and it drives me crazy.  We have SO much of their stuff and it's pretty much in every room in the house.  But my two oldest aren't settled anywhere yet - they keep moving for new jobs - so I can't ask them to take their stuff and they are home for short periods of time and I don't want them to use our family time to pack things up.  DH doesn't seem to mind it like I do but he is a bit of a packrat himself and has stuff all over the place too.  We want to move so that is motivating him a little bit but the amount of kid stuff we have here is absolutely ridiculous.

I love love love not cooking/planning/shopping for a big family anymore.  Dd comes home from college on breaks and she's easy but my boys like huge heavy meals and I don't enjoy doing that at all.

 

[Laura Corin]

9 hours ago, MEmama said:

I was surprised that instead of being hit with the expected sadness or emptiness, I was stricken with a crushing sense of feeling *burned out*. I don’t think I’d had any sense of how much energy it has taken me to support DS and to hold this family together.

I lost my job during the early days of Covid and have yet to replace it, but it’s clear that I need to find something for *myself*. I can’t go on just being the support person for everyone/ anyone else, but a year in I still don’t know what that means for me. 

Yes. It took me a while.

I've become better at advocating for myself. Husband and I had the closest we have had to serious arguments about how the balance between careers and childcare had been organised over the years. All good now, although I'm counting the days until retirement from my current full-time job.

[Guest]

I still have a high school senior (in PS) at home, so I may not qualify, but I wanted t say that college move outs did not feel like empty nest for me. They were always potentially moving back for periods of time. But that could be because my nest is not actually empty yet. 
 

I agree with @KidsHappen re: getting them to make decisions about their stuff. My dd lives in a tiny apartment in an expensive city so it’s somewhat reasonable for her to not bring everything to her place. But it does annoy me because I feel a duty to send her messages about every thing - “What about your personalized soccer jacket? How about this stuffed animal your deceased aunt gave you? How about all these framed pieces of art that won ribbons and shows?…” I would prefer she would take a weekend and just plow through every single thing herself. 

[TexasProud]

22 minutes ago, Quill said:

I still have a high school senior (in PS) at home, so I may not qualify, but I wanted t say that college move outs did not feel like empty nest for me. They were always potentially moving back for periods of time. But that could be because my nest is not actually empty yet. 

Yeah, for me this is sort of true.
Unlike my friends who were absolutely dreading the empty nest, I was SO SO SO looking forward to it. Why?

No longer having to manage anything regarding children.  A lot of mental energy there to get their curriculum exactly tailored to them. 
The spontaneity with my husband as he was going to be retiring when youngest graduated.  Be it, let's go here for the weekend! TeA whenever and anywhere in the house we wanted like before kids.
Travel. Travel. Travel. Whoo hoo!
The ability to concentrate on my own next phase: seminary/writing.

And then reality:
Oh.. a global pandemic Travel, fun social activities, out for a couple of years and even now now back to normal.
. All kids back home. Now as Quill said, with remote work and the early online so might as well do it at home, I have had a lot of them in and out.
Oh...young adults actually mean more stress: mental health crisis, lack of career goals/what am I doing? Plus side, no angst/independent teenager stuff. They really are mature people we can discuss things with. But the worrying never stops, even if I am not managing their lives anymore. 
Oh... and your parents are older and sicker.  My mom's stage 4 cancer diagnosis on Labor Day last year was a game changer. We are calling in hospice this week. So now I am not only worrying about young adults, but have been actively managing mom's care over the last year.
Between pandemic, husband's health, mom, yeah....the spontaneity of stuff with husband in all areas is gone. Heck, even when we have planned stuff like the upcoming trip, it gets cancelled.
Concentrate on my stuff... well, I did get my degree. But the first year was SO MUCH fun going in person, meeting new people. LOVED it. Then Covid hit and the rest of my time was by myself behind a computer screen. Then,   the last year coincided with mom's diagnosis so rather than just enjoying my classes, I was trying to get them done while taking care of mom.  And my writing goals and stuff are completely put on the shelf at this point.

So yeah, the fun, adventurous time where responsibilities are gone I expected to have as an empty nester...hasn't happened.  

 

Edited August 16, 2022 by TexasProud

[KungFuPanda]

15 hours ago, KidsHappen said:

Getting everyone to take their stuff with them when they leave. For some reason some of my children seem to think that mom's house is where they store stuff that they don't need right now but might need someday. And some of them would absolutely die (figuratively of course) if got rid of their things but are themselves in no hurry to move it themselves. We are kind of in limbo right now but we are hoping that when it is time to downsize they will realize that we no longer have room for storing their stuff and will move it in a timely manner.

Everyone who has been through this just laughs at me. My naive self thought my daughter would just spontaneously empty her room when she got her first post-college apartment. 🤣 I was thinking New Guest Room and she was thinking Storage Facility. I didn’t know it would be physical labor for me. I did manage to get all her stuff into the closet so we can use the rest of the room. 
 

It didn’t feel like my daughter was “flown” until she graduated from college. There were plenty of breaks and holidays where we could count on her being home until then. 
 

The actual hardest part is seeing everyone become empty nesters and knowing DS will never be able to live independently. I grieve for him. An empty nest would be a blessing. 

[Kuovonne]

I don’t have an empty nest, but I did have a DD leave for college with no intention of ever moving back (just visiting). DH solved the issue of her leaving stuff behind based on his own childhood experience. When he moved out of his parents' house, his parents threw out a bunch of his stuff that they thought was junk without asking him. So when DD was leaving, he had her get storage tubs and put everything she wanted to keep in those storage tubs. 
 

Her stuff is still at our house, but it is out of the way and easy to move around. When she visits she can still get at stuff in them. Or if she realizes that she wants something she left behind we can get it from a tub and ship it to her. When she eventually settles somewhere, it will be easy to either drive the tubs to her new place or repackage the stuff for shipping.

Anything that didn’t end up in a tub is fair game to be thrown out, handed down, given away, used up, etc.

[Beth S]

I've loved these past 2 years of Empty Nest.

Yes = adjusting to just cooking (new, lowfat) diet for my dh.
Realizing that I *never* could have had a clean house while the kids were at home.

My biggest adjustment was realizing that it wasn't all 100% "free time".
At least half my time is STILL spent with "Food-Clothing-Shelter" >> cooking, laundry, cleaning.
And all the spontaneous help that our parents and kids need.

So now I set aside every Friday just for special craft projects, etc. 
It's fun! 

 

[regentrude]

Re stuff:
since graduation, DD lives in a small apartment and does not have room for everything. We still keep her books and some things. When she visits, we go through the misc things and thin it down. It's a process, but I have repurposed her room and don't mind.
DS still has his room intact with all his stuff. He has just moved and is starting grad school. He will most likely move again several times for short term positions before any stable job situation establishes. Since we have the space, we will keep his things so he doesn't have to lug them across  the country.

 

[gardenmom5]

16 hours ago, KidsHappen said:

Getting everyone to take their stuff with them when they leave. For some reason some of my children seem to think that mom's house is where they store stuff that they don't need right now but might need someday. And some of them would absolutely die (figuratively of course) if got rid of their things but are themselves in no hurry to move it themselves. We are kind of in limbo right now but we are hoping that when it is time to downsize they will realize that we no longer have room for storing their stuff and will move it in a timely manner.

I started taking their stuff with me when I'd visit them.  But my girls own their homes.  (though 2dd is currently renting in another state - they didn't sell their house and are hoping to be back in it in the next six months. or less.)

sil and her dh bought a house when they got married - while they were on their honeymoon, his mother moved all his stuff into it.

[TexasProud]

I guess I don't know what all this stuff is you are talking about. I mean their furniture stayed here and will.  I have a couple of under the bed boxes with their baby books, school stuff, etc. that will eventually go with them.  But other than that, for the boys in particular, there is no other stuff.  Now my daughter does have more nicknacks and stuff hung on her walls, but have no doubt that will go with her. Whatever she leaves when she graduates, she will know is eligible for goodwill.  But, I mean, they don't have stuff. So I am not sure what everyone is talking about.  That has not been an issue.

[Laura Corin]

22 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I guess I don't know what all this stuff is you are talking about. I mean their furniture stayed here and will.  I have a couple of under the bed boxes with their baby books, school stuff, etc. that will eventually go with them.  But other than that, for the boys in particular, there is no other stuff.  Now my daughter does have more nicknacks and stuff hung on her walls, but have no doubt that will go with her. Whatever she leaves when she graduates, she will know is eligible for goodwill.  But, I mean, they don't have stuff. So I am not sure what everyone is talking about.  That has not been an issue.

For us it's books. Eldest has no space for her six or seven boxes of books in her shared house.

[EKS]

Adjusting the food thing and then adjusting back when one or both are here.  

But the bigger issue for me has been the thing that regentrude and Jenny in Florida talked about--a sense of purpose.  

[skimomma]

One thing that kind of blindsided me was that I fully expected dd would be home for the summers.  So it didn't seem final when we walked away from the dorm room during freshman move-in.  But, it seems that is not to be.  She got an internship for the summer after freshman year and it is now clear she will likely never live at our house again other than visits.  Even though she is local, she has rented a house with friends and I suspect will choose to sleep at her place during breaks even.  I can see her crashing in her childhood bed for a night here and there but gone are the days of being fully here for any length of time.

I did forbid her from bringing her laundry home.

[Miss Tick]

18 minutes ago, EKS said:

But the bigger issue for me has been the thing that regentrude and Jenny in Florida talked about--a sense of purpose.  

I'm not an empty nester, but this year is like a half-way step and I can already feel the cloud of purposelessness looming. It is dark with a light tinge of panic at the edges. I'm going to devote some time this year to intentionally studying it, keeping those posters' journeys in mind.

[Bootsie]

My kids still have things here.  There are some things I thought they would want to take--like all of those special Christmas ornaments--that they have no interest in taking at this point.  There is the bicycle, the skateboard, the fishing pole--things they will not use on a daily basis but are enjoyable activities when they are back home.  Since graduating from college, DD has been out of the country, for the most part.  She has books and special items like a quilt her aunt made her that have not been practical for her to move all around the world.  She comes back for a month or two at a time, so keeps some extra clothing here.  The "stuff" I have problems with is my mom keeps cleaning out saying that "things" aren't important to her, but she thinks these same things should be very important to my kids and sends them to my house for safekeeping.  

[kfeusse]

thanks for all of the replies.   All 3 of my kids still have things here (including the oldest who is married....but only living in a tiny apartment).  They all come home from time to time....on breaks...and maybe summers...(not the married child obviously).  

I guess I am just sort of dreading the quiet and the lack of not having a child's schedule to dictate at least some of our lives.  Things will just be really different and I am not sure how either one of us will handle it.  

Time will tell, I guess. 

[regentrude]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I guess I don't know what all this stuff is you are talking about. I mean their furniture stayed here and will.  I have a couple of under the bed boxes with their baby books, school stuff, etc. that will eventually go with them.  But other than that, for the boys in particular, there is no other stuff.  Now my daughter does have more nicknacks and stuff hung on her walls, but have no doubt that will go with her. Whatever she leaves when she graduates, she will know is eligible for goodwill.  But, I mean, they don't have stuff. So I am not sure what everyone is talking about.  That has not been an issue.

Each of my kids has several hundred books for which they don't currently have room in their own apartments.
Both have some highschool materials they may wish to keep. And bicycles.

DS has boxes full of notebooks with manuscripts for stories and novels and lots of judo trophies. And sports equipment in the garage: mats, martial arts supplies, punching dummy, boxing sack.

DD had old journals, letters, mementos, horses show ribbons, and riding gear for which she currently has no use.

Edited August 16, 2022 by regentrude

[KidsHappen]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I guess I don't know what all this stuff is you are talking about. I mean their furniture stayed here and will.  I have a couple of under the bed boxes with their baby books, school stuff, etc. that will eventually go with them.  But other than that, for the boys in particular, there is no other stuff.  Now my daughter does have more nicknacks and stuff hung on her walls, but have no doubt that will go with her. Whatever she leaves when she graduates, she will know is eligible for goodwill.  But, I mean, they don't have stuff. So I am not sure what everyone is talking about.  That has not been an issue.

As an example, one of my dd has a reptile room that contains 3 snakes, 2 lizards, 2 aquariums, 3 frogs and I ridiculous amount of tarantulas. Obviously, this can not be moved to an apartment and must stay here until she has a home of her own.

She also has two cats and a dog which she could probably take with her but she certainly would not be able to take all of the cages, and cat condos and animal beds that she has accumulated for them. And that is just the things related to her living collections. 

A couple of have old clothes, purses, shoes, stuffed animals, knick knacks and pictures that they haven't gone through to decide what they want to keep.

The two that still live at home have entire apartments' worth of furniture as well as household goods for when they move out.

And then the older ones have moved baby furniture, toys and clothes into my attic so that can be passed down to later grandchildren.

Now we still live in a big house and the youngest two moved back in during covid but if that was not the case we probably would have already downsized.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I guess I don't know what all this stuff is you are talking about. I mean their furniture stayed here and will.  I have a couple of under the bed boxes with their baby books, school stuff, etc. that will eventually go with them.  But other than that, for the boys in particular, there is no other stuff.  Now my daughter does have more nicknacks and stuff hung on her walls, but have no doubt that will go with her. Whatever she leaves when she graduates, she will know is eligible for goodwill.  But, I mean, they don't have stuff. So I am not sure what everyone is talking about.  That has not been an issue.

Wow, it’s a lot of stuff for both my young adults. For dd: a desk full of journals, artwork, momentoes, photo albums. A bookcase full of her own books. Dressers with clothing, dance dresses, sports clothing. Sports equipment, stuffed animals, art tools, a sewing machine, and numerous framed works of art with ribbons and awards in them. 
 

For Ds: trophies, sports memorabilia and sports equipment: baseball, snowboarding, lacrosse, soccer. Photos of old girlfriend, stuff for music. Guitars. Motorcycle. Stuffed animals. Clothes. 

[TexasProud]

Wow, yeah, we are pretty minimalist, I guess. And books, well, you can never have too many books. Not sure if they are theirs or mine at this point. LOL.  I love books. 

[Ellie]

20 hours ago, KidsHappen said:

Getting everyone to take their stuff with them when they leave. For some reason some of my children seem to think that mom's house is where they store stuff that they don't need right now but might need someday. And some of them would absolutely die (figuratively of course) if got rid of their things but are themselves in no hurry to move it themselves. We are kind of in limbo right now but we are hoping that when it is time to downsize they will realize that we no longer have room for storing their stuff and will move it in a timely manner.

We've been empty-nesters for, oh, about 20 years now. We moved to Texas from the West Coast, where both dc live, and brought their stuff with us, because we had room here and they did not. Last fall I started cleaning out the room where we store all the things, and reboxed their stuff; in June we took a road trip and gave them all the boxes--not that many, and for one dd, it was tricky as she lives in a small home. But (1) we can either do it now, or they can do it when we die, really, so (2) it was better to do it now. When I went through the boxes, I found stuff I did not know I still had, such as wrapping paper from older dd's baby shower (!). I tossed things, and I shipped some boxes back to them at that time. Honestly, it felt good. 🙂

And that was the last time I was productive, but that's a tale for another time, lol.

[Kassia]

43 minutes ago, Quill said:

Wow, it’s a lot of stuff for both my young adults. For dd: a desk full of journals, artwork, momentoes, photo albums. A bookcase full of her own books. Dressers with clothing, dance dresses, sports clothing. Sports equipment, stuffed animals, art tools, a sewing machine, and numerous framed works of art with ribbons and awards in them. 
 

For Ds: trophies, sports memorabilia and sports equipment: baseball, snowboarding, lacrosse, soccer. Photos of old girlfriend, stuff for music. Guitars. Motorcycle. Stuffed animals. Clothes. 

This is basically it for us too - times 4.  Lots and lots of Legos from my boys, too.  But none of them are settled and they all live in small apartments.  I really need them to pack their stuff up in totes but their time at home is so limited and we want to enjoy that time together.  And DH doesn't like to part with anything either.  

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, Kassia said:

This is basically it for us too - times 4.  Lots and lots of Legos from my boys, too.  But none of them are settled and they all live in small apartments.  I really need them to pack their stuff up in totes but their time at home is so limited and we want to enjoy that time together.  And DH doesn't like to part with anything either.  

Yeah, I guess part of this is at different times, we have gone through the trophies:tons of piano ones, sports ones. We threw them all away.  No one wanted them. Legos....LOL we gave all of those away when they got to be teenagers. My kids are just not sentimental, I guess.  But yeah, my MIL still has all of the original toys her kids played with: like original Little People set and an Alamo playset in its original box.  We have nothing for antique roadshow.  Plus, my kids didn't really make anything worth keeping.  I mean I kept some of the stuff like placemats they made, but when they went through their boxes to condense it to one box, most of that got thrown away. 

[Bootsie]

While we still have some of our kids stuff at our house, come to think of it, one of the biggest adjustments is looking for things and realize they took it with them.  For some reason, DH decided to clear out a lot of what was in the garage when DS moved out and sent it with DS.  I keep discovering more things.  Where's the drill?  Do we have any nails?  Where is my screwdriver? ....

[Miss Mousie]

I absolutely LOVE the empty nest.  It's so peaceful and pleasant, and DH and I can spend the precious little time we have together just focused on each other and our solo pursuits.

Breaks home from college are challenging.  Day 1 is usually fine.  Days 2-5 can be a rough re-adjustment period.  Then, almost as soon as we are all back in the groove, it's time to go back to campus (or to the summer job, or whatever).  Some things have improved as the kid matures, but the visits still grate on me.  I'm just really ready for the kid to have his own place, and visits can be daytime-only or maybe a single overnight. 

Another challenge for me has been returning to standard work hours.  I had cut back to 31 hrs/wk to homeschool, and I could have retained that schedule, but I wanted to get my old paycheck back, LOL.  So now I've lost my peaceful/productive mornings at home and instead have lots of downtime (boredom and resentment that I could be doing XYZ at home instead of being chained to my cubicle) on top of the stupid commute.  I cannot wait to retire!

 

[Jenny in Florida]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I guess I don't know what all this stuff is you are talking about. 

• Books
• Stuffed animals/favorite toys
• Dance and theatre costumes
• More books
• Craft projects
• Bedroom decor and collections
• More books

 

[Jenny in Florida]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Wow, yeah, we are pretty minimalist, I guess. And books, well, you can never have too many books. Not sure if they are theirs or mine at this point. LOL.  I love books. 

As do I, but each of mine has a couple of boxes of "their" special, beloved books that they hope to take with them "someday." These, therefore, cannot be simply integrated into my collection.

[Jenny in Florida]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I guess part of this is at different times, we have gone through the trophies:tons of piano ones, sports ones. We threw them all away.  No one wanted them. Legos....LOL we gave all of those away when they got to be teenagers. My kids are just not sentimental, I guess.  But yeah, my MIL still has all of the original toys her kids played with: like original Little People set and an Alamo playset in its original box.  We have nothing for antique roadshow.  Plus, my kids didn't really make anything worth keeping.  I mean I kept some of the stuff like placemats they made, but when they went through their boxes to condense it to one box, most of that got thrown away. 

I think my viewpoint on this is colored to some extent by my own experience. Because of my estrangement from my family of origin, I have virtually no keepsakes from my own childhood. When my kids were little and asked to see pictures of me as a child, I had nothing to show them. When I wanted to share a favorite book with them, I had to go scrounging on the internet for a (ridiculously expensive) used copy. 

I was determined that, if my kids felt like they wanted to hold onto something for sentimental reasons, I was going to enable that.

[Miss Mousie]

I should also say that the transition has been different, in some ways more difficult, for DH.

DH still "demands" a weekly phone call (which doesn't always come).  I'm fine with less frequent calls and find that there's usually more interesting conversation than the one-sided Q&A of weekly calls.

When the kid is home on break, my attitude about food is "There is plenty in the house, kid can read and follow a recipe or make a sandwich, he can eat when he's hungry."  DH, on the other hand, still wants to cook (or reheat) food and have it on the table at DH's idea of "dinnertime."  Then he gets upset when the kid doesn't come running to the table to eat it.

I think, if it weren't for me, DH would encourage the kid to live at home forever.  I, on the other hand, seem to be pushing and shoving as hard as I can to get him fully out of the nest!

 

[gardenmom5]

What is this empty nest of which you speak?   🙄

 

 

[Lady Marmalade]

The biggest adjustment for me is when one comes back.  DS moved out completely, but DD is in college and moving back and forth.  Who knows if/when she'll ever actually move out.  

I immensely enjoy the quiet when she's gone.  DH and I stopped cooking for the most part.  We kind of do our own things, but when there's another person there asking what's for dinner... It's kind of annoying at times.  I like eating what I want when I want, and I really like watching what I want when I want.   Honestly, I was ready for her to go back weeks ago, and I was a little dismayed when I found out school doesn't start until Labor Day.  

I planned ahead for the empty nest season by preparing to throw myself into work, and it takes a staff of 150 to replace my two at home.  

Edited August 16, 2022 by Lady Marmalade

[KungFuPanda]

11 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I guess I don't know what all this stuff is you are talking about. I mean their furniture stayed here and will.  I have a couple of under the bed boxes with their baby books, school stuff, etc. that will eventually go with them.  But other than that, for the boys in particular, there is no other stuff.  Now my daughter does have more nicknacks and stuff hung on her walls, but have no doubt that will go with her. Whatever she leaves when she graduates, she will know is eligible for goodwill.  But, I mean, they don't have stuff. So I am not sure what everyone is talking about.  That has not been an issue.

Shoes. My daughter has so many shoes. (It skips a generation) She has clothes and art and so so many books. She also has classroom supplies from the first year of the pandemic when she was teaching virtual classes during student teaching after the university sent everyone home. There’s a keyboard in there. She has several coats. I threw out a lot of nail polish and personal products. I left the books in the bookcases. Our guest room just has a library now. 🤣 Everything else went into bins in her closet. Nobody else can use that closet, but the room is big enough that a guest won’t need it. 

[sassenach]

On 8/15/2022 at 2:25 PM, Jenny in Florida said:

I solved the "how much to cook/how much food to buy" question by basically just not cooking anymore. I continued for a while, but then my work schedule seriously diverged from my husband's, and we kind of got out of the habit of planning/making/eating meals together. Even now that we're both back on a pretty traditional 9-5 schedule, we both mostly do our own thing, food-wise. 

He likes to go to the market two or three times a week as entertainment; I do not find it entertaining or pleasant to shop with him. We keep a write-on/wipe-off board on the 'fridge and just write down what we need/want. He snaps a picture of the board before he heads to the market, and groceries magically appear. Maybe once or twice a week, we'll decide to have a meal together, but I'm honestly out of practice even cooking these days.

This is my dream

[sassenach]

13 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

 

The actual hardest part is seeing everyone become empty nesters and knowing DS will never be able to live independently. I grieve for him. An empty nest would be a blessing. 

Yes, this. I am also losing a lot of my support people. My able-bodied kids are a tremendous safety net with ds. They can sign his nurse out and often stay with him for a few hours at a time. We're losing all of our 2nd string players. I don't think I realized until now just how much I've grown to depend on this being a family affair. Add to that that dh is starting a new position and I am also working full time out of the house...it's all a very thin operation. 

[marbel]

16 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

What is this empty nest of which you speak?   🙄

 

 

Word! I've been waiting for the nest to empty for a while now.

I had a taste of it in fall of 2019 when my kids left for college. They had been CC kids, so only had 2 years at their universities. I LOVED having them out of the house. I missed them a little, but they were close enough that we saw them periodically and we talked on the phone (with decreasing frequency LOL). Well y'all know what happened when they came home for spring break in March of 2020, right? Suddenly the house seemed more crowded than it had before they left. One of them never returned to school-at-school. The other got a full semester back in the dorms right before graduation in 2021. 

And they've been here ever since. One of them is moving out this week. A lot of stuff will stay behind. Clothes, shoes, artwork - she was an art major and we have a lot of paintings, not all on the walls - just stuff. 

I think part of my eagerness for empty nest is my age. I was over 40 when my kids were born. This has not been a problem really, but now I'm feeling my age and want my space. My husband is not as eager as I am but he's a bit younger. He does enjoy having them out but is not as eager as I am to get them fully out.

16 hours ago, Miss Mousie said:

When the kid is home on break, my attitude about food is "There is plenty in the house, kid can read and follow a recipe or make a sandwich, he can eat when he's hungry."  DH, on the other hand, still wants to cook (or reheat) food and have it on the table at DH's idea of "dinnertime."  Then he gets upset when the kid doesn't come running to the table to eat it.

Similar dynamic here. Meals are often very haphazard, as I work 4 evenings over dinnertime. I do enjoy cooking on the nights I am free. But I am over trying to coordinate family meals for a house full of adults. I figure these young adults can do as they want. Happy to have them sit down to dinner with dad and me, but if not, meh. Now, I do on occasion want to have a nice dinner that we plan out and everyone has a part in producing. I think it makes it more fun anyway when it's not all the time.  My husband is a little more stuck in family dinner mode than I am.  

Edited August 17, 2022 by marbel

[Kassia]

39 minutes ago, marbel said:

 

 

I think part of my eagerness for empty nest is my age. I was over 40 when my kids were born. This has not been a problem really, but now I'm feeling my age and want my space. My husband is not as eager as I am but he's a bit younger. He does enjoy having them out but is not as eager as I am to get them fully out.

 

I'm the opposite - I was 23 when my first was born and now I'm almost 55.  I've had kids in my home for almost my entire adult life and I'm ready for some freedom.  Love the kids dearly but don't love having us all under one roof for long.  

[Laura Corin]

11 hours ago, sassenach said:

This is my dream

I actually regained my interest in cooking once a) Husband semi-retired and took on 50% of the cooking - he would do it all but we both value the variety as we have different styles b) I was cooking for fewer people in general and c) my mother was no longer living with us.

[cjzimmer1]

23 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I guess I don't know what all this stuff is you are talking about. I mean their furniture stayed here and will.  I have a couple of under the bed boxes with their baby books, school stuff, etc. that will eventually go with them.  But other than that, for the boys in particular, there is no other stuff.  Now my daughter does have more nicknacks and stuff hung on her walls, but have no doubt that will go with her. Whatever she leaves when she graduates, she will know is eligible for goodwill.  But, I mean, they don't have stuff. So I am not sure what everyone is talking about.  That has not been an issue.

Count your blessings!

Between my oldest two boys, they have probably somewhere between 200-300 lego sets (and growing, this is still an active passion).  Plus the boxes from at least a third of them.  They are also collectors of board games.  Probably at least 50-75 of those(also still growing).  Then there is the drones.  At that is only the first two kids.  Yes they take some of them right away but since they are short on room, extras live at my house and get rotated or stored till they have more space.

 

Edited August 17, 2022 by cjzimmer1