Update last post: Help me think through this work situation

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I’ve been offered a supervisor position at Job B and can’t figure out what to do.

Job A: Current job, I’ve been there ten years this week actually.  Toxic environment and I’m miserable.  Pay is better than the other two places in driving distance but that’s only because they pay under industry standard.  Call volume is insane; we are running 18,000 calls a year with about 5 crews. I worked a 33 hour shift last week and ran 22 calls during it.  There’s very little downtime.  There’s a lot of mismanagement; it’s a mom and pop organization that’s been passed down through the family and they promote based on friendship and not skill for the most part. I haven’t been promoted and won’t be at this point.  People don’t want to work 24 hour shifts anymore and our call volume per crew is greater than anywhere else in a few hour radius, so we have a lot of trouble hiring and retaining, and management is clear that they care only about having bodies in seats and not about whether you’re actually good at what you do.

The pros though is that I just negotiated a fantastic schedule where I work Sunday/Thursday one week and Tuesday/Friday the next.  I’ve never missed a Christmas, a ball game, a kids’ birthday or a school concert, because management will bend over backwards to get you the time off for those things.  Time off is incredible; six weeks of PTO, one week of sick leave, and basically unlimited unpaid time off if you ask ahead of time.  I can leave with two minutes notice if something happens with my kids and I am only five or ten minutes away.  Those are things that are really important to me.

Job B: 

Probably the best place to work within a three hour drive radius.  They have such a good reputation that people never leave and they are usually swamped with applications so they can pick and choose who they want. Basically: they are able to recruit the best paramedics in the area and do so.  They reached out with a recruitment offer of day shift supervisor, moving into training director when the current one leaves in January. It will be an $8 an hour pay raise.  There will be further advancement opportunities as well.  It’s a very solid and healthy work atmosphere, management is reasonable, and the turnover rate is very low.   The call volume is much lower at 10,000 a year spread over 8-9 crews.   The schedule for supervisors is 2 on/2 off; 12 hour day shifts. I attached a visual representation of the schedule because I had a hard time figuring it out.  I could sleep every night lol. I have close friends that work there, and my direct boss is a friend of over twelve of years.

However. It’s a 75 minute drive.  Because they recruit the top medics and some people come from a long way, they have a block of rooms at a local motel that employees can rent cheap over the summer months and the company pays for them in the winter, so you don’t have to drive back and forth. So I could work 12, sleep 12 in the motel, work another 12 and then drive home for the night and two days. They are not as flexible with time off for things like birthdays and getting parents Christmas morning off.  I’d definitely miss some baseball games.  I wouldn’t be close by while working if something happened.  DH and I would lose our four day weekend twice a month together, and we like to do things with the kids.  (He thinks we should consider a seasonal camping site close to the new work though and he and the kids would just come up April-October).  
 

I don’t know. There’s no really good option and neither is really bad either.  I am miserable and unhappy at work, like sometimes I want to drive my car into a tree on the way there.  I miss working with friends. But I will also be unhappy commuting and feeling like I am not with my kids as often.

ugh. I need advice.

Edited July 25, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[Melissa in Australia]

hard choice

 hugs

 sending positive thoughts in the hope that it helps a tiny bit

[Katy]

Take the new job. You don’t love your current location as much as you thought you would before moving. You might find better schools & housing over there too. 

Every time DH & I have upgraded due to his promotion I’ve been astounded at all the ways every aspect of life is better. It’s really unfair to the poor. But there’s no reason to not take advantage and make life easier for all of you. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

3 minutes ago, Katy said:

Take the new job. You don’t love your current location as much as you thought you would before moving. You might find better schools & housing over there too. 

Every time DH & I have upgraded due to his promotion I’ve been astounded at all the ways every aspect of life is better. It’s really unfair to the poor. But there’s no reason to not take advantage and make life easier for all of you. 

I forgot to add-we aren’t able to move or consider moving until my oldest is out of school.  The new location doesn't have the appropriate therapeutic school for him and he’s doing so fantastic in the school he’s at that I won’t disrupt it.

Job B will hire my husband at any time, and he’d take the job, but we won’t be able to move until oldest is graduated.

[Ausmumof3]

If you rent I’d seriously consider taking the job and then if it’s as good as it seems relocating. But if you own your home it’s probably harder. I can’t imagine a 75 minute commute long term.

[Scarlett]

You really can’t put a dollar figure on time with your kids. Or your husband.  In other threads you have mentioned your Dh is working a lot of hours.  
 

You have also mentioned possibly just quitting all together.  I would explore that option.  You can go back to work when your kids are older.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

You really can’t put a dollar figure on time with your kids. Or your husband.  In other threads you have mentioned your Dh is working a lot of hours.  
 

You have also mentioned possibly just quitting all together.  I would explore that option.  You can go back to work when your kids are older.  

I’d like to just quit. It’s not financially an option right now.  It may be a few years down the road.

We own our home.  

I worked at this company a long time ago when I was first starting out. It really is as good as it seems, they just aren’t as flexible as where I work now.

Edited July 19, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[elegantlion]

You're too young to be miserable to at work. But a long commute would give me pause too. If you're so far away from home, will your dh or someone else be able to be available for the kids if necessary? 

I would consider how unhappy you are at work and does that feeling end once you're home? How much is it affecting your mental and physical well-being? Not things you need to answer here, but things I would consider. 

If anything, this might help you see what you are giving up for the ability to be nearer your children and there for them on short notice. That is worth something. 
 

Edited July 19, 2022 by elegantlion
grammar

[Scarlett]

Just now, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I’d like to just quit. It’s not financially an option right now.  It may be a few years down the road.

We own our home.  

I see.  Well.  In that case I would probably stay where you are for those few more years.  You have a lot of perks.  A lot. But I do know how it is to work in a toxic work situation.  I was in it for 2 years.  So many times I just wanted to walk out the door.  So you gotta do what you gotta do.  I stayed for a number of reasons…..none of them were as good as the many perks you listed. 

[AmandaVT]

I'd lean toward taking the new position - are there any public transportation options? I have a friend who commutes 90 min each way, but she's able to take the bus from the town 20 min from her house. So she can read, etc. on the bus ride. 

 

Are you currently a shift supervisor or out in the field? Is the training director position one you are interested in? $8/hr raise is over $16,000 per year, which could open a lot of financial doors, including that seasonal camp idea. I agree with @elegantlion - consider how miserable you are currently and think about how that may change with a position that doesn't make you want to drive your car into a tree! 

[Elizabeth86]

I'm curious, if the new job doesn't work out, would your old job take you back? It sounds like they would since you say they have a hard time with hiring and keeping employees. If this were so maybe it wouldn't hurt to give the new job a try. 

Edited July 19, 2022 by Elizabeth86

[ScoutTN]

If you take it and it doesn’t work out, would your current employer take you back? If so, I’d try the new job for a year and see how it goes. 
 

Otoh, gas prices are crazy high. How much of that raise would be devoured by that expense? 

[wintermom]

Tough decision, for sure. I'd probably lean toward the new position. The 12 hr shifts seem much easier on your body and overall health. You only do the commute half the week, so it's not every single day. With that many additional crews at the new place, there would be room for you to leave work for emergencies, as there are actually people to back up each other. I don't know how your current place does it, other than simply piling onto the already short-staffed crews.

If your dh is willing and able to support the schedule you'd have at the new place, and the two of you could make it work, I'd probably give that a really serious consideration. Your long-term mental and physical health would probably benefit. You don't want to wake up 5 years from now and be a relatively young woman with the body of an 80 year old. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

My old job would take me back in a heartbeat. That wouldn’t be an issue.

The commute isn’t daily or I wouldn’t consider it. Drive up twice a week and drive back twice a week. 

I am not a supervisor and won’t be here.  The training director position will actually be a $12 an hour raise from what I’m making now. I start out at an $8 raise from what I make now($26.25 now and they’re offering $34 to start).

The company is willing to pay mileage from my house.

Edited July 19, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[Ailaena]

If I thought my patient care was (or would be soon) suffering, I’d seriously consider the new job. That’s an insane amount of calls.  Otherwise, I would value the convenience of proximity and time with my family much higher.

(Tbf, I’m fully expecting to regret my life choice of never working so I can be with my kids)

[ScoutTN]

2 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

My old job would take me back in a heartbeat. That wouldn’t be an issue.

The commute isn’t daily or I wouldn’t consider it. Drive up twice a week and drive back twice a week. 

I am not a supervisor and won’t be here.  The training director position will actually be a $12 an hour raise from what I’m making now.

The company is willing to pay mileage from my house.

Take it. 

Wintermom’s words about your  own long term physical and mental health are wise. Your kids will need you for many years and  investing in/protecting yourself is for them and your Dh too. 

[Elizabeth86]

6 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

My old job would take me back in a heartbeat. That wouldn’t be an issue.

The commute isn’t daily or I wouldn’t consider it. Drive up twice a week and drive back twice a week. 

I am not a supervisor and won’t be here.  The training director position will actually be a $12 an hour raise from what I’m making now. I start out at an $8 raise from what I make now($26.25 now and they’re offering $34 to start).

The company is willing to pay mileage from my house.

Well, what are you waiting for? If you have your old job to fall back on, give te new one a chance! Best of luck! 

[Faith-manor]

3 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I’d like to just quit. It’s not financially an option right now.  It may be a few years down the road.

We own our home.  

I worked at this company a long time ago when I was first starting out. It really is as good as it seems, they just aren’t as flexible as where I work now.

This makes me think you should take it. You would like to eventually quit, and you will be earning $8 an hour more, and able to get better sleep. In so many of your posts, you guys are going through a ton of money on medical bills, and while I know your youngest consumes a bunch, you do too and I have to wonder if lowering your stress level and sleeping more on a better sleep schedule will make a big difference in your health. The money can then be set aside for family vacations and special things or to ease the burden of the med bills.

When my husband commuted that distance, he actually didn't mind it. He would put on an audiobook, and decompress from work. When he arrived home, he was in a good mood. Now he works from home all.the.time., and there is no decompression, no separation of home and work.

I like the idea of the campsite thing. Camping makes such great family memories! And missing a birthday and celebrating at a different time is no big deal or missing a few ball games, if the quality of family life increases. Plus, looking back on my own childhood of a dad who worked REALLY long hours, I didn't have resentment of the missed piano recital or not making it to that school openhouse. He did his best. What he did do was take a three week vacation with us every summer, and a two week one every winter. He was all in, all jolly, and very ready to focus on his kids. Those times were absolutely amazing, and my best memories. He was completely stress free, and fun to be with.

I just feel quality of family life, and anything done that improves it, is more important than quantity if their is balance and parents committed to building relationships. You have consistently demonstrated that you and your husband are those kinds of parents. 

Edited July 19, 2022 by Faith-manor

[Farrar]

I vote take it. The fact that we all know that your kids have had some struggles and the schools haven't always been good to them is literally the only reason it's not a no brainer in my mind. But in the end, knowing you could return to the old job if it turned out to be a bad fit after a reasonable trial... I think you should do it.

[Soror]

I HATE to drive but I think this would be well worth the shot. As you said, if it was every day the drive wouldn't be worth it but it's not. You have the old job to fall back on if you can't stand it. Best wishes.

[Farrar]

Adding the thought that I really believe we all make too much out of particular days and events. It's such a TV trope - the busy parent who misses the important kid event. But that's such a false set up. We don't have to think of these moments as more important than other moments and we don't have to convince our kids to think of them that way either. We've had years dh had to work and missed things. Or years when we all celebrated an important day a different day. Emergencies are different, but schedules are something we can all learn to adjust to.

[Catwoman]

Is there a private school near the new job that might be suitable for your son? Or would a different public school district offer the services he needs (and you could pay tuition for him to attend there?) 

[gardenmom5]

On your drive to work - you think about driving into a tree . . . . Is that how you want to live your life?

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

 I am miserable and unhappy at work, like sometimes I want to drive my car into a tree on the way there.  I miss working with friends. But I will also be unhappy commuting and feeling like I am not with my kids as often.

ugh. I need advice.

 

Do you want to live like that?   what is that stress level doing to your health?

[kbutton]

29 minutes ago, Farrar said:

Adding the thought that I really believe we all make too much out of particular days and events. It's such a TV trope - the busy parent who misses the important kid event. But that's such a false set up. We don't have to think of these moments as more important than other moments and we don't have to convince our kids to think of them that way either. 

I agree. And sometimes the parent isn't overly busy, it's just that the schedule is weird. It also means that parent has free time at odd times to do things another parent might not be able to do. We've been living that for the last dozen or so years.

[Junie]

Another vote to take the new job. 

[AmandaVT]

5 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

My old job would take me back in a heartbeat. That wouldn’t be an issue.

The commute isn’t daily or I wouldn’t consider it. Drive up twice a week and drive back twice a week. 

I am not a supervisor and won’t be here.  The training director position will actually be a $12 an hour raise from what I’m making now. I start out at an $8 raise from what I make now($26.25 now and they’re offering $34 to start).

The company is willing to pay mileage from my house.

Oh sorry- I misread! 

OK - the mileage reimbursement rate just moved to 62.5 cents/mile. If you're commuting 100 miles round trip, that's an extra $62.50/round trip, which is quite reasonable and should cover gas and any extra wear and tear on the car. $250/week if I did my math right. 

 

 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

6 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Is there a private school near the new job that might be suitable for your son? Or would a different public school district offer the services he needs (and you could pay tuition for him to attend there?) 

No, it’s honestly more rural than here, though closer to the large cities.  He’s formed very close relationships with teachers at his school and I think disrupting that at this point would be a bad idea.  
DH thinks the new job won’t really be Functionally more time away from the kids. Work is so busy now that I am up the entire 24 hour shift and come home and sleep most of the next day.  So even if I was gone one day, spent the night, gone the next and then came home to sleep and be home for two days, his argument is my waking time with the kids would be the same or more since I’m sleeping enough at nights.

[Corraleno]

I would take the new job. The old job will always be there if the new one doesn't work out, but you may not have another shot at the new job if you turn it down now and then 6 months from now your mental health declines to the point that you can't continue at the current job. A $12/hr raise in January is a lot of money — that's almost 50% more than you're making now — and that financial cushion could relieve some of the stress you've been under, on top of eliminating the stress of working in the current toxic environment. And if your ultimate goal is to quit working entirely, saving the extra money could also make that happen sooner. If you don't take the job, you're likely to always wonder "what if...," and if you do take it and later change your mind, you can just go back to the current one, so the risk is really minimal.

[Catwoman]

5 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

No, it’s honestly more rural than here, though closer to the large cities.  He’s formed very close relationships with teachers at his school and I think disrupting that at this point would be a bad idea.  
DH thinks the new job won’t really be Functionally more time away from the kids. Work is so busy now that I am up the entire 24 hour shift and come home and sleep most of the next day.  So even if I was gone one day, spent the night, gone the next and then came home to sleep and be home for two days, his argument is my waking time with the kids would be the same or more since I’m sleeping enough at nights.

Honestly, if I were you, I would take the new job. It sounds like a lot more money and a lot less stress. And realistically, if you're less stressed, better rested, and have more money, you'll probably be in a better mood when you're with your family, so that's a big thing right there.

 

 

[Lecka]

I think you should take the new job for one reason.

Your current job is toxic and you need to get out of it.

You won’t know all the effects it has had on you until you are out of it.

When you are at the new job, then you can see things you don’t know about now that you can do to make the situation work.   

[mommyoffive]

At first I was think nope don't take it.  But then when I thought through your commute time isn't really that bad because you are only doing it 2 times a week.  Maybe I would do it.  

[Tiberia]

I vote to take the new job, just based on your stress level at the current job. What have you got to lose by trying it out?

[prairiewindmomma]

If you are at “think about driving into a tree” level of toxicity with job 1, I think trying job 2 is a no brainer. Yes, you lose flexibility, but you’ve been on the edge of breaking for a long, long while now and you need some area of your life where you can thrive.

[gardenmom5]

14 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I think you should take the new job for one reason.

Your current job is toxic and you need to get out of it.

You won’t know all the effects it has had on you until you are out of it.

When you are at the new job, then you can see things you don’t know about now that you can do to make the situation work.   

This

 

that level of stress boosts cortisol levels so high - it takes a toll.  It can wreck your health.

[Shoeless]

Another vote for the new job. More money and they pay mileage. I agree with your dh that it may not be all that more time away from the kids. You may feel more mentally and emotionally present with the kids when you don't have the toxic workplace looming in your life. 

[Katy]

Also social security benefits are calculated off your salary. More money now AND later. 

[Harriet Vane]

 

I vote for the new job. The old job is toxic and always will be, and what you are describing guarantees it will progress to MORE toxic and more difficult. I think you will find the benefits of the new job outweigh the imperfections.

 

Edited because I wrote the benefits of the old job outweigh when I actually meant the benefits of the NEW JOB outweigh the imperfections.

Edited July 19, 2022 by Harriet Vane

[Hilltopmom]

Take New job.

I’m currently trying to convince dh to switch jobs even though he will take a pay cut & get less retirement from new employer.

Being miserable at work is no good for physical or mental health!

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

No, it’s honestly more rural than here, though closer to the large cities.  He’s formed very close relationships with teachers at his school and I think disrupting that at this point would be a bad idea.  
DH thinks the new job won’t really be Functionally more time away from the kids. Work is so busy now that I am up the entire 24 hour shift and come home and sleep most of the next day.  So even if I was gone one day, spent the night, gone the next and then came home to sleep and be home for two days, his argument is my waking time with the kids would be the same or more since I’m sleeping enough at nights.

I think your hubby is spot on with this.

[prairiewindmomma]

You might also find the additional sleep helpful for your mental health. 24h shifts are hard on the brain.

[sassenach]

I vote take it. 

[dsmith]

I personally would take the long commute over a toxic work environment and long shifts. After years of working in a high stress job with long days that started very early while dealing with chronic insomnia probably in part caused by the toxic work environment, it definitely had an effect on my health and most likely contributed to the onset of the autoimmune diseases I struggle with now. I don't know how old your kids are, but working in that environment may spill over to your interactions with them.  Sometimes we have to judge the quality of the time we spend with our kids versus the amount of time. 

[brehon]

You knew I’d chime in, right? 😆

Take the job. As someone who intimately understands more than most here how hard these busy shifts are — I just got off a “48” hour shift some 52 hours after I first clocked in — and as someone who is 50 and still working on the truck, there simply is nothing better than f’n SLEEP. It will help everything — relationships, mental and physical health, everything.

This new system sounds like they have their priorities straight and that’s why there are lots of medics applying to work there. The lack of toxicity alone would be enough for me jump ship. But no/low toxicity + opportunities for advancement + pay raise = accept the job offer (for me). Plus I think your dh is correct that you’ll spend as much time away from your kids as you do now, practically speaking and when you include recovering from long, busy shifts.

Take the job.

ETA: You have nothing to lose except the millstone of nepotism and toxicity that’s around your neck. I would leap at this job in a heartbeat. 

Edited July 19, 2022 by brehon

[rebcoola]

Take the new job give it a year since it sounds like you can go back easily.

[HSmomof2]

I vote take the new job. I completely understand the wanting to drive into a tree…..I absolutely hate my job and feel stuck as well. It’s a terrible way to live. There are lots of benefits to your new job offer, but no longer hating your job is probably the most important and will improve all the other areas of your life. 

[Arctic Bunny]

I would see if another supervisor would like to work 4 on/4 off. Twos sounds kinda crazy. Then it would be pretty perfect.

[Faith-manor]

25 minutes ago, HSmomof2 said:

I vote take the new job. I completely understand the wanting to drive into a tree…..I absolutely hate my job and feel stuck as well. It’s a terrible way to live. There are lots of benefits to your new job offer, but no longer hating your job is probably the most important and will improve all the other areas of your life. 

Yes. I get that too. I once worked for a school district in which I thought, "Wouldn't it be nice to get pneumonia or a ruptured appendix so I can have a nice break from this hell hole!" It isn't like I wanted to actually risk my life, but that it was so mentally draining that being off work for a serious illness felt like it would be less stress than going to work every day. Tiggy's sentiment is something I 100% get.

[Jaybee]

4 hours ago, Lecka said:

You won’t know all the effects it has had on you until you are out of it.

This. I have been in a situation where it took me forever to make the decision. Once I left, wow. The deep sighs of relief every time I realized again that I didn't have to go back every day. It sounds like a much healthier environment, both physically and mentally. The drive time can be good time to reflect, think, listen to podcasts, decompress, etc. You may even find that you are actually more "there" for your children, because you are not as physically and mentally drained.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I haven’t been able to move past the schedule.. 2 on/2 off when I’m starting an 8 day a month schedule at my current job soon.  
But then it occurred to me—I want appreciation but I don’t really care about promotions right now.  The company offers part timers more per hour than full timers, and I would likely be able to negotiate two 16 hour shifts a week.  That would be part time but I don’t need the benefits and with the increase in hourly pay, I’d have no need to work full time.  This would still leave me home with my kids five days a week and give me more control over what days I work.

Its an option that just occurred to me, but my kids are 12, 10 and 7.  There’s nothing to stop me from going full time for advancement in five or six years when they’re older, if I still wanted; or just work 32 hours a week/2 days a week until I’m ready to retire.

This is an option I’m really considering.

[Wheres Toto]

I would take the new job.  It sounds like a healthier situation all around, has more possibilities for the future, more options for balance with the rest of your life (even if not necessarily the Hallmark days), more flexibility.   

90 minute commutes aren't all that uncommon where I am and it's not 5 days a week.