Another guiding teens question

[lovinmyboys]

So my ds16 is a great kid- honestly he is just really really good. He never wants to do anything wrong- follows the rules and is nice to everyone. He had tons of friends as a child, but has had more trouble in the last few years.
 

I am having trouble guiding him on how to be friends with other teens. Some of his friends do things like box in the Target parking lot and steal street signs. Others say inappropriate things about girls and things that he considers racist. He is having a hard time figuring out how to be friends with people who do things he doesn’t agree with. 

He has plenty of friends and people like him- I think he is having trouble knowing what to do when his friends do things that aren’t ok.

I was a lot like him and basically didn’t have friends in middle school and high school. Once I went to college I found my people and things turned out fine. I don’t want that for him. On the other hand, Dh is kinda just telling him that is how teenage boys are??? And I don’t think that is the right message either. I’m pretty sure Dh stole street signs as a kid. 
 

If this makes sense-how do you guide your kids to do the right thing and still have friends. 

[SHP]

Your DH is wrong about that being how teenage boys are. I cannot think of any of the teenage boys I know, including the ones who are no longer teenagers, behaving even close to how you described the teens your DS knows. I am astounded that any of those behaviors would be tolerated.

My DH was no saint as a teenager, but he has grown up and knows that what he did then was wrong and made it clear to all our kids that his behavior was wrong and being young didn't make it right.

As for encouraging friendships that is a hard one if your DS doesn't know many teens who are making good choices. I would seek out new social opportunities to try and find other like minded teens. 

For myself, I take a hard stance when it comes to some of what you described and would cut all contact with them but I am not a teenager and I have more control over my environment and who I interact with. I can walk away from a small group within my hobbies and go elsewhere and meet others who enjoy the same things and are not toxic.

 

[lovinmyboys]

To clarify- Dh doesn’t think any of this is ok or that ds is fine to participate. I think he just thinks that ds is telling the truth that this is how everyone he knows behaves. 
 

I also tend to just find different friends if I don’t share values, but I think it is harder to do that in high school. 

[popmom]

I don’t really have any advice—just want to commiserate. I have a 16 yr old dd with zero “good” friends. The one friend that is always inviting her to do things is very troubled. She has some serious mental illness. My own dd has struggled with mental illness, so I can certainly empathize. We discussed this situation with dd’s pdoc recently. Pdoc is very concerned about them being friends as I am. ((Sigh)) 

It’s so hard. 

 

[popmom]

2 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

So my ds16 is a great kid- 

If this makes sense-how do you guide your kids to do the right thing and still have friends. 

This is the crux of the matter and why me and dd’s pdoc are so concerned. Even the ((best)) most well adjusted kids tend to be negatively influenced by friends who are troubled (for lack of a better word). I’ve seen it in dd’s relationship with this girl who has pretty serious mental illness.
 

I allowed dd to sleep over at this girl’s house recently (I do know the parents pretty well.) When dd got home after the sleepover, I immediately noticed that she had cut herself. (My dd has a history of this along with an ED, but she’s recovering well.)  It’s something that I even warned her about when she befriended this girl. I warned her of my concerns. She’s smart and mature for her age, but there is something about mental illness…. They feed off of each other. It’s the same with drugs, alcohol, etc. They just are not old enough to withstand the negative influence no matter how good they are or how good their intentions are. It’s a huge struggle for us because dd is autistic. She mostly meets potential friends through her social skills group. The older she gets the more problematic this becomes. 😞

Edited July 13, 2022 by popmom

[fraidycat]

I have told my kids to use me as their excuse if they see other kids making undesirable choices or are invited to join in.

"Nope, not going to do that because my mom would kick my a$$ and lock me in the basement until I'm 30" can cover a lot of stuff.

As for the racist or inappropriate girl comments, I'm not entirely sure on that one. From my observations, my DS has no problem telling his friends they are acting like idiots and vice versa, so they kind of police each other, but I've never heard them actually say anything racist or derogatory. Not to say it hasn't happened (I hope it hasn't!), but I've not witnessed it. I would hope that DS would take an opportunity like that to call out the comment as crappy.

"Bro, that really sucks! Don't be an a$$." can also cover a lot things.

Edited July 13, 2022 by fraidycat

[lovinmyboys]

I think part of the problem is that we have only lived here a few years so that also makes it harder. We are getting ready to move again (to a place I think will be a lot better) so I am hoping he can find some good kids to be friends with.

He was just so sad yesterday talking about the first year we were here and how he didn’t have any friends. Now he feels like he has friends, but they do things he doesn’t agree with. I did say he prefers to see just one friend at a time. It is only when they are in a group that they do these kind of things. 

[Kanin]

9 hours ago, fraidycat said:

I have told my kids to use me as their excuse if they see other kids making undesirable choices or are invited to join in.

 

My mom always told me to do that as well. It was great for me to have that excuse.