Sorry

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited July 9, 2022 by Baseballandhockey

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I’m so sorry.

It is way too short.

[Tree Frog]

((((((Hugs)))))

 

[catz]

Sending hugs.  ❤️  

[Soror]

Hugs 🤗 and love to you 💖

[TheReader]

It absolutely is, both of those things. 

Big, big, big hugs to you. I'm so sorry. 

[Spryte]

More hugs. Big ones.

[Lilaclady]

Much hugs 

[maize]

((()))

You gave your son so much love in the time he was with you.

[GoVanGogh]

I am so very sorry. 
 

I hope it is okay to share this with you: I am in vestibular therapy and my therapist randomly handed me a magazine a few weeks ago and scanned through it to the font size he wanted me to work with for an exercise. It was O magazine from October 2020. The article was on grief. It was in relation to Covid, but the article really hit me. I took the magazine to the waiting room after my session so I could snap a picture of the article. The article was written by Richie Jackson. (I should insert here: I had not read O before this and don’t know who the writer is.) 

“… I have an intimate relationship with grief. I had 20 friends die … before I was 30 years old, my sister died of cancer, and I had a baby die at birth. I know deeply the pain of loss, and I have profound, lasting damage from ignoring its power in order to bow to the persistent societal pressure to find closure and simply move on. … One of the challenges of grieving is that no one wants to talk to you about it while you are going through it.” 
 

I don’t know the grief you are going through. But I do know that we, as a society, are so far removed from grief. We want to put it in a pretty box and set it aside and move on and it just doesn’t work like that. My son was premature and there were days we didn’t know if he would make it. I have had family members tell me I need to destroy the photographs I took of him while he was in NICU, that “no one needs to see those.” It isn’t like they are framed and hanging in the living room. They are in his baby book. But even if we did have them in a prominent spot, so what that it makes them uncomfortable? It is part of his story, part of my story, part of our lives. 
 

i only share this because I do sincerely hope that you have a support system that realizes that we don’t just grieve, find closure and move on. Grief is in our cells. It will forever be a part of us. Many, many gentle comforting hugs to you. Please, please always that it is acceptable to express your grief and your emotions. 

[mommyoffive]

I am so sorry.  i am sending some hugs to you.

[Arctic Bunny]

I missed the original post, but sending you many hugs anyway.

[Guest]

I also missed the post but I think I know anyway. Much love to you. 

[Not_a_Number]

Missed the post, too, but I also think I know. Sending big hugs. 

[Robin M]

Hugs. 

[Drama Llama]

I'm sorry to be such a mess.

[saraha]

@Baseballandhockey you have got to be one of the most resilient people I have ever “met”. I didn’t see your original post but know some of your story from here. I am praying for you and wish there was more I could do to relieve some of your pain, both from the past and from your daily. (((Baseballandhockey))) You are amazing, even when you don’t feel like it. Especially when you don’t feel like it.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

3 minutes ago, saraha said:

@Baseballandhockey you have got to be one of the most resilient people I have ever “met”. I didn’t see your original post but know some of your story from here. I am praying for you and wish there was more I could do to relieve some of your pain, both from the past and from your daily. (((Baseballandhockey))) You are amazing, even when you don’t feel like it. Especially when you don’t feel like it.

Agree 100%

 

[Denise in IN]

((((Baseballandhockey))))) 🤗🙏💙

[elegantlion]

Please don't apologize for your grief. Hugs to you. 

[DawnM]

Hugs.   None of this is easy.   You do the best you can, you agonize over the decisions, and you have done both.

[Drama Llama]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

@Baseballandhockey you have got to be one of the most resilient people I have ever “met”. I didn’t see your original post but know some of your story from here. I am praying for you and wish there was more I could do to relieve some of your pain, both from the past and from your daily. (((Baseballandhockey))) You are amazing, even when you don’t feel like it. Especially when you don’t feel like it.

no this isn't true 

[lauraw4321]

1 minute ago, Baseballandhockey said:

no this isn't true 

It is true. You aren’t God and you aren’t perfect. But you gave yourself to your son and did all that you could for him. You are an amazing mom. Don’t hold yourself to impossible, inhuman standards. Much love to you.  

[Melissa in Australia]

Huge huge hugs

[Harriet Vane]

Warm hugs for you. So very sorry.

[YaelAldrich]

Love, support, and gentle hugs. What everyone else said is true. Grief isn't static and doesn't go away.  I hope you feel you can lean on us and people IRL. 

[J-rap]

Thinking of you.  It takes a long time to sort through grief.  Please be gentle and patient with yourself.

[KidsHappen]

It took me five years to grieve my mom. It's hard work and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are an amazingly strong woman and if you need support we are here for you.

[mom31257]

I did not see the post, but I am so sorry for the loss you have had and the grief you have faced! 

My sister lost her husband to suicide and her only child (special needs and illness) just over two years later. I have watched the suffering she has gone through, and it is so difficult. My dh and I lost 5 immediate family members (including them) within 3 years.

Grief is this distant, mysterious thing until you face it. You can't truly prepare for it. You can only walk through it when it comes. I pray you are able to walk through with grace, peace, and comfort. 

 

[fraidycat]

Big hugs. It's ok to be a mess, no apologies necessary, because what you have gone through and continue to go through really, really sucks.

[Drama Llama]

Sorry everyone I really didn’t mean to be so drama llama.

My original post was just saying that as of yesterday, the number of days since DS’s death (647) is the same number as the number of days I had the privilege of being his mom on Earth.  It seems like a silly “anniversary” but for some reason it crushed me.  So I made a whiny post about how 647 days is both too short and too long and then felt guilty about whining, but I feel like deleting is as drama llama as my post.  Also Friday night I got woken up twice by my phone blaring with flash flood warnings, and being woken by midnight phone calls is kind of a PTSD trigger for me.  

I am a little better today.  I got some sleep.  

[freesia]

It’s ok, B&H.  You aren’t being whiney, really. Nor were you being dramatic. We are here for you however you feel ❤️

[Spryte]

More hugs heading your way. 

Not drama llama or whiney at all. 

 

 

[Tree Frog]

I read it as it being yet another difficult time for you. We sometimes share our struggles here, so it didn't feel out of place. There are many women here who have had more than their fair share of grief. I wish I could offer you something other than virtual hugs.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

@Baseballandhockey

I think I can speak for our community here when I say that we think very highly of you; your love, your generosity, your strength, your intelligence, your humour.

What you've endured in the past few years is more than anyone should have to face.

Your precious son is remembered 🌻

[Kassia]

@Baseballandhockeyoh, absolutely not whiny.  You've experienced a tremendous loss - I don't have the right words for it.  And it's definitely not a silly anniversary at all.  Not a bit and it's totally understandable that it would be extremely emotional for you.  I'm so sorry for all you've been through but glad you can turn here for support.  I wish I could do something to ease your pain and loss.  

[Rosie_0801]

7 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

 It seems like a silly “anniversary” but for some reason it crushed me.

Stuff like that isn't silly, it's normal. Emotions form connections to all sorts of things in our heads. Our stories take all sorts of seemingly strange paths through our heads and emotions.

I still cry at indoor swimming pools because my son died the season before I thought I'd be able to get him using a kick board in our dam, even though indoor swimming pools are nothing like dams. It's just that my daughter took swimming lessons in an indoor pool after he died. He placed rather significantly on the special spectrum and had motor planning issues, so of course milestones felt like a bigger deal to me than it probably would have to anyone who may have noticed me watching my dd's swimming lessons with tears running down my face. Life is weird, but not silly.

You have to let these things out somewhere with people not directly involved because you have to be able to make the distance, to reach the end of your story, without self combusting in some way. That's how humanning is.

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs Rosie, your son is remembered as well.

Every time it is pouring rain in late summer I remember him running around and around in my yard, stripping off as he ran until he was a blur of a naked boy running in the rain

Edited July 11, 2022 by Melissa in Australia

[Jaybee]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Stuff like that isn't silly, it's normal. Emotions form connections to all sorts of things in our heads. Our stories take all sorts of seemingly strange paths through our heads and emotions.

I agree. There was nothing "drama llama" or whiney about it. It's just regular old awful painful grieving that takes note of anniversaries of various kinds, milestones that didn't happen, and all kinds of things. Hugs to you B&H--you have been carrying so much, and I wish we could take some of it off your shoulders.

[Jaybee]

6 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Hugs Rosie, your son is remembered as well.

Every time it is pouring rain in late summer I remember him running around and around in my yard, stripping off as he ran until he was a blur of a naked boy running in the rain

Yes, Rosie, hugs to you as well. I love this picture, Melissa--how beautifully and poetically expressed.

[Rosie_0801]

7 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Hugs Rosie, your son is remembered as well.

Every time it is pouring rain in late summer I remember him running around and around in my yard, stripping off as he ran until he was a blur of a naked boy running in the rain

He was a very naked sort of person. 😅

[Drama Llama]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Stuff like that isn't silly, it's normal. Emotions form connections to all sorts of things in our heads. Our stories take all sorts of seemingly strange paths through our heads and emotions.

I still cry at indoor swimming pools because my son died the season before I thought I'd be able to get him using a kick board in our dam, even though indoor swimming pools are nothing like dams. It's just that my daughter took swimming lessons in an indoor pool after he died. He placed rather significantly on the special spectrum and had motor planning issues, so of course milestones felt like a bigger deal to me than it probably would have to anyone who may have noticed me watching my dd's swimming lessons with tears running down my face. Life is weird, but not silly.

You have to let these things out somewhere with people not directly involved because you have to be able to make the distance, to reach the end of your story, without self combusting in some way. That's how humanning is.

Thanks Rosie.

[Drama Llama]

14 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

He was a very naked sort of person. 😅

I would have liked to have met him.  He sounds wonderful.  My boy preferred geeky math T-shirts and sparkles to naked. 

[happi duck]

Our body keeps track.  One day, out-of-the-blue, I felt compelled to figure out how many days I had a mom and how many days I didn't.  It was equal.

How did my body know?  Why was I compelled to know?  It felt like some sort of necessary threshold.

Many (hugs)