The hardest stage of parenting

[Amethyst]

5 hours ago, WTM said:

Nooooo!!! Tell me it gets easier, please!!!

Well,…they’re already potty-trained, so that part’s easier. 😉 

[Eos]

11 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

Yeah, I am feeling this.  No adults yet, but man this worries me for the future.  Does it get better at a certain age?  When they get married, get a job, reach full adulthood?  Give me something positive to focus on it.

My big kids can be lots of help, but I much prefer little kids even though those days are physically exhausting.  I am mentally and emotionally exhausted with tweens and teens.  

I'm going to be the outlier and say how much I've loved the teen years and the young adult years. My youngest has been the most challenging teen yet, and we're coming to much better place now after a year of intensive focus on our relationship.  Older dc are 33, 26, and 23 and still ask me for advice or help when they need it and tell me about their failures and challenges.  I find this time quite fun, and think it will be harder if/when the younger three get married and don't live at home in the summers.  I will be sad when they all have their own Christmas, etc.

 

5 hours ago, WTM said:

Nooooo!!! Tell me it gets easier, please!!!

It does!

[Soror]

I'm going to vote for depends on the kid. And def agree that younger years are more tiring physically and the older ones emotionally. Then again the adjustment to parenthood itself was rough at times ( my first was very "high needs" and subsequent children were easier just because I had experience).

My cousin, who has a new baby, was just asking/saying--- the baby years are the hardest, right?   Pffft. I had to break his bubble that it doesn't really work like that. 

I went through a little sh*t phase in my teen years but never did much of anything bad. I just had some typical teen attitude. As a young adult I never gave my parents any grief. I was responsible with money. Didn't break the law. Went to college, did well, and married a good guy. My parents agree with that as well I was pretty easy to raise and didn't give stress in the YA years. Not all YA's are difficult.

The problem is when YA's do have problems they can have huge consequences. My oldest (ADHD - smart but not always great decision making) turns 18 in a few weeks and I'm trying not to think of all the stupid things he could do as a legal adult because I have enough stress right now!

So far my son was the hardest from birth until 9/10 and then 16-17. Dd was a needy baby but not to the scale of ds so it didn't seem so bad. At the age of 14 (aka the same time as ds struggled) was her worst/hardest time. My 2nd daughter has always been a pretty easy kid and the youngest nursed literally hours a day but was otherwise easy. Thank goodness with the stress I've been through with the oldest 2. 

 

[ScoutTN]

I’m not to the YA stage yet, but so far I’m agreeing with @Soror. I have one easy kid and one incredibly challenging one. They have been this way through all the stages, infant - teen. The hard one was easier to potty train and learned to swim fast; those were his only easy moments in my parenting life!
 

I definitely see that the stakes are higher as they get older and potential negative consequences from bad choices are scary. Right now, I am enjoying my teens, but the Future is certainly intimidating.

[teachermom2834]

If only to give people hope-

Things are humming along beautifully here for my 24, 22, and 19 yos. (And I have a 14 yo still at home). While young adults making questionable decisions or going through hard times is awful, when they are doing well it is pretty great! 
 

Now I do say “at the moment” because when things go sideways they can really go sideways but it is nice to have grown independent kids! 

Not to minimize what we go through with older kids (and it can be really bad) but sometimes I think we can look at ourselves a little and see if somethings we need to let go of a little. Sometimes my dad will get upset about something I have done or some decision I have made. He is 72. I am 47. I’ll think “dude…you should not be letting this steal your peace. Let it go.”

But hugs to everyone dealing with tough stuff with grown kids!

[Tree Frog]

Though I miss the day to day variety with my kids when they were home, I agree that watching them develop their wings and fly is pretty exciting. The interactions are different and they need me to listen and ask clarifying questions more than offer advice. I've also been able to tell myself that good or bad, their decisions are their decisions and there's not a lot I can do about it. That's been very freeing.

Dh, though, is sure they're headed down the wrong path. At least he only laments to me about his concerns rather than taking them to the kids. While it's very tedious to me, his ability to bite his tongue with them has improved his their relationships. (And given them the opportunity to prove him wrong, even if they have no idea that's what they're doing.)

[wintermom]

I wonder if timing and the world situation has anything to do with the stressors of being young adults these past couple years? Covid has been especially tough on older teens/YA, I think, as it hit many of them right at the time they're getting ready to transition into independent living. Then the world changed almost overnight. 

Edited July 7, 2022 by wintermom

[stephanier.1765]

For me, it got even worse when the grandchildren came along. Keeping my mouth shut is so much harder now. All the decisions about raising the children are theirs, definitely not mine, but I desperately want to offer advice. Sometimes I even want to beg them to please give their children healthy meals. Even if they don't eat a bite of a vegetable, it should at least be an option. Please stop feeding them constant ice cream and junky snacks all day long. But I don't. I just sit back and worry and it's so very hard. My grandparent mouth is firmly closed.

[Kassia]

@stephanier.1765 that would be very hard!  I haven't even thought about the grandparenting stage yet and how tough that could be.  

 

[*****]

4 hours ago, Eos said:

Older dc are 33, 26, and 23 and still ask me for advice or help when they need it and tell me about their failures and challenges.

It would be nice to be asked for advice. Instead, they rely on their friends who have like no experience, yet they rely on them as if they know everything 🙄

 

49 minutes ago, Tree Frog said:

Dh, though, is sure they're headed down the wrong path. At least he only laments to me about his concerns rather than taking them to the kids.

This would be me. I appreciate having a listening ear.

 

55 minutes ago, Tree Frog said:

The interactions are different and they need me to listen and ask clarifying questions more than offer advice.

This is good, I will have to remember this, to ask clarifying questions more than offer advice. (Where do you people learn these skills?!!😉)

[Arcadia]

3 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

For me, it got even worse when the grandchildren came along. Keeping my mouth shut is so much harder now. All the decisions about raising the children are theirs, definitely not mine, but I desperately want to offer advice.

But I don't. I just sit back and worry and it's so very hard. My grandparent mouth is firmly closed.

My parents could write the exact same thing except it isn’t about food. My SIL is diabetic with hypertension so she is cautious about food. My parents told me to maintain ties to my brother so that if he needs help he would come to me. My brother does ask me for medical and education advice, the medical part because I am the most sickly grandchild on both sides and a bit too familiar with ER.

What I can suggest is if able take your grandchildren out for the weekend and feed them what you prefer. My oldest love salmon teriyaki as a toddler but we were very broke then so my mom would take us to the Japanese or Korean eatery weekly as a treat. 

[PerfectFifth]

I remember older women telling me don’t sweat the baby/toddler/teen years….that the adult living at home years are the worst. They weren’t ,kidding   We raised our kids on a steady diet of discussing and working out conflict and processing emotional stuff.    I’m glad we did but I am so throughly exhausted processing with my 3.  I’m glad they value my opinion but half the time they get frustrated with my input and I end up saying, “then don’t ask me!?!?’   I also know far more about my kids ‘Lives’ than I wanted to. 😂. I’ll always be there for them but some days I wished I lived somewhere with more affordable housing so they could get out. Lol

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, PerfectFifth said:

that the adult living at home years are the worst. They weren’t ,kidding   We raised our kids on a steady diet of discussing and working out conflict and processing emotional stuff.

It was much easier once they moved out permanently. Our marriage also strengthened once the kids were out. They were one of our biggest sources of conflict. 

[whitestavern]

6 hours ago, ***** said:

It would be nice to be asked for advice. Instead, they rely on their friends who have like no experience, yet they rely on them as if they know everything 🙄

 

This would be me. I appreciate having a listening ear.

 

This is good, I will have to remember this, to ask clarifying questions more than offer advice. (Where do you people learn these skills?!!😉)

I have several friends who have grandchildren. Their kids all hire experts to help with parenting. Sleep therapists, feeding therapists, etc. It’s kind of ridiculous. 

[Melissa Louise]

7 hours ago, PerfectFifth said:

I remember older women telling me don’t sweat the baby/toddler/teen years….that the adult living at home years are the worst. They weren’t ,kidding   We raised our kids on a steady diet of discussing and working out conflict and processing emotional stuff.    I’m glad we did but I am so throughly exhausted processing with my 3.  I’m glad they value my opinion but half the time they get frustrated with my input and I end up saying, “then don’t ask me!?!?’   I also know far more about my kids ‘Lives’ than I wanted to. 😂. I’ll always be there for them but some days I wished I lived somewhere with more affordable housing so they could get out. Lol

I hear you on knowing more than you want to know!

It's weird for me, b/c I left home the minute I finished school and never lived at home again. So my lucky parents got to live in blissful ignorance of whatever I was up to. 

[PerfectFifth]

1 hour ago, Melissa Louise said:

 

It's weird for me, b/c I left home the minute I finished school and never lived at home again. So my lucky parents got to live in blissful ignorance of whatever I was up to. 

I did the same   And knowing what I know now, I wish I had had the money to send them away to school 😂

[PerfectFifth]

7 hours ago, Tree Frog said:

It was much easier once they moved out permanently. Our marriage also strengthened once the kids were out. They were one of our biggest sources of conflict. 

Same here. Our biggest problem is marital privacy. 😇. We can’t even have a private conversation without hiding.   Our house is small. Which is fine. But it feels like it’s getting smaller. Lol

[Arcadia]

36 minutes ago, PerfectFifth said:

Same here. Our biggest problem is marital privacy. 😇. We can’t even have a private conversation without hiding.   Our house is small. Which is fine. But it feels like it’s getting smaller. Lol

Grocery trips are useful for privacy. Mine are still teens but they aren’t interested in tagging along.

[Amethyst]

9 hours ago, Tree Frog said:

It was much easier once they moved out permanently. Our marriage also strengthened once the kids were out. They were one of our biggest sources of conflict. 

Yes! Oh, how I love my kids. And I had such disdain for parents cheering when their kids went back to school in Sept. But dare I say… I’m looking forward to them all being gone for exactly the reason you state…less conflict with dh.