Updates 2023 (job hunt etc)

[Lecka]

Sometimes the little things go a long way!  I hope he likes Young Sheldon 🙂

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I plan to sign up for a trial of Paramount Plus because I think you can watch the newer seasons of Young Sheldon on it and we were both disappointed that HBO Max only has seasons 1-4 of it. 

My prickly kid and I love Young Sheldon and have really bonded over it.

[Farrar]

I just want to say what a heartening thread this is. You're in such a tough situation, heartlikealion, but threads like this where someone bares themselves and gets good advice and takes it to heart make me remember why the forums can be a really special internet place sometimes. I think as long as you keep yourself this open to growth and reflection that things will come right with your ds, even though it might take years.

[Ann.without.an.e]

21 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Ds will be dropped off Mon morning when dd is at VBS. I bought a frozen pizza and a coconut creme pie for him. He likes coconut (I can’t stand it). 

If he doesn’t like it I’ll just have to not show a negative reaction and tell myself well you’re making an effort and you’ll continue to do so and hopefully that is the take away.

You probably won't see immediate results. Don't lose heart, always remember that you're playing the long game here ❤️ 

[heartlikealion]

7 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

One thing to remember is that your ds is likely being fed a constant stream of negativity about you. If he’s always hearing “mom is the reason for x, y and z” and “she’s only faking that she likes you” etc, no wonder he’s tense at your house. Every nice thing you do he may be second guessing. Your job is to be positive and kind and help him figure out what the truth is—-moms not perfect but she does love him deeply and is trying so hard to show that love. 
 

just try to remember what he’s likely hearing and try it have compassion for the impossible situation he has to try to navigate 

I don’t think xh is necessarily saying anything outright about me at this time but according to Dr Childress a child may feel a requirement to show loyalty to one parent and therefore go along with a negative narrative. He gave an example like: 

parent: what’d you do at other parent’s home this past visit? 
child: nothing really

parent: they didn’t plan anything?! You must have been bored 

child: yeah 

——-

Last summer I won tickets to a water park. I took the kids. Ds joked we should return without dd because she’s wild and we couldn’t even relax in the lazy river (she sped through it and I had to keep up with her and she lost her glasses on the attraction). 
At some point we had seen vomit where a kid must have gotten sick on another attraction. 

Another day I spoke to xh about returning and he said, “ds doesn’t want to go back. He thought the place was gross and saw vomit.” 

Who knows if ds volunteered that stance or if xh said eww that place sounds nasty. YKWIM. Ds is like a politician. He kinda says what he thinks people want to hear sometimes. So it’s really hard to know his true thoughts. 

I’m sure I’ve failed at being neutral myself but I know better and try to do better than before. 

Xh is a future faker. Any big plans he shares I take with a grain of salt. He claims he thinks he can take the kids next summer to Orlando (the family trip we often discussed that ds flat out said he didn’t care about and tried to go to Georgia to see a Walking Dead set instead — I said that was not a family vacation as dd wouldn’t want to go and the actors weren’t even on set). It’s my goal to stick to my word. Eventually I will get those kids on a family vacation. 

 

[Hen]

Heart...{{hugs}} I will be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.  

[heartlikealion]

Paramount Plus ad-free trial is set up. They have season 5. Season 6 comes out in Sept. Last time dd was here ds was not allowed to just stay home alone all day and had to go to work with dad so he might decide it's more fun to come here ha who knows. 

[heartlikealion]

If anyone is curious how today went 

ds came to the house bright & early holding a few items dad sent. I said hey baby glad you came over. He replied “unfortunately.” 

I didn’t know til about 30 min later there was food in one of the items. I asked him if he knew/did he want to eat. He was completely oblivious (later dad said I can’t believe that, he helped me pack it last night). I ate and told him he could eat but if not I’d need to put the food away. He ate something. 

I told him options for lunch but don’t think he ever ate a real one. I saw he ate a Clif bar or 2 today. We watched Young Sheldon but he was looking at his phone a lot trying to earn money. 

Later closer to dinner I said there are a few options (besides pizza I also bought beer battered fish as I know we both like it). He chose to just eat tacos (maybe to help me use that up first I don’t know. I had cooked the meat the night before). I ran down the road to get more tortillas and asked if he wanted anything else. He said verde sauce and I was shocked a dollar store had it.  I bought it. Before I left the house I told him he could watch the show without me if he wanted and he said he’d wait. We watched another ep later. 

I asked if he wanted anything else. He answered oddly and I said do you have everything? He said yes regarding the food but then no. I pressed a little to say is there something missing I could fix? He said no, nothing you can fix (clearly a complaint about me). 

Dd turned on some crazy YouTube show and the dad was missing. Ds commented why is it always the dad that leaves? Well except in our family, you left. I said, “I had no choice. That home is for faculty. I had to move out.” I still don’t know how literally he meant his comment. But yes I see how it looks. Mom left us. Divorce is mom’s fault.

so yeah not horrible not wonderful. frankly better than I expected. And he slept here. Tomorrow morning I want to watch the old top gun with him since I found it on paramount Plus. He already saw the new one. 

Side note when I moved here I had the jellyfish channel and shared content with a friend. My kids saw and came over saying dad told them it was illegal. I explained it is a sharing platform. I decided to delete it because of the drama and example I was setting. Not one of my finer moments but back then I retorted that dad used to download movies illegally and I asked him not to. 

Fast forward to today. Dd shared she saw Bad Guys with dad (I took the kids to see it in the theatre another day). I asked what streaming channel and she said it wasn’t on one just the computer… 🤔 I bit my tongue. I’m growing lol 

[heartlikealion]

I completely forgot to offer the pie. It’s in the freezer. 

[Catwoman]

11 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I completely forgot to offer the pie. It’s in the freezer. 

You can eat it tomorrow while you're watching Top Gun! 🙂 

[Rosie_0801]

On 6/13/2022 at 11:20 AM, heartlikealion said:

 Ds is like a politician. He kinda says what he thinks people want to hear sometimes. So it’s really hard to know his true thoughts. 

He possibly can't help it. Involuntary compartmentalisation. My daughter does it a lot.

[Ceilingfan]

I think it's actually a pretty good development - he feels safe enough to start talking with you directly about how he feels about the divorce! I think maybe the family therapy helped after all. 

It might be useful to have a store of neutral but loving things you can say when he questions your actions in the divorce. I tend to try for things like, I'm sorry honey, I know this has been really hard for you. sometimes grownups just can't live together anymore, but we both still love you. Families do divorces all different kinds of ways, and we're both trying our best, even though parts of it are hard for all of us. 

But it's more cultivating an attitude of saying something like that and less memorizing a script. What you do is get clear in your head what the essential framework is (these are adult decisions, we love you, I miss seeing you every day, I'm glad you're here now, Absolutely No Defensiveness about your decision to get divorced or actions during the divorce, segue to asking about something he's interested in or that's been going on in his non-family life recently). Then you can make up the response within that framework on the fly.

[heartlikealion]

I don’t really give therapy credit for this but who knows. During the Johnny/Amber case I once said something (I know I shouldn’t have) like I related to him and then ds compared me to Amber. So he’s been capable of his zingers all along and that’s really the only time he usually discusses anything about divorce. 

[Scarlett]

I think it went really well from what you have posted.  What was your overall impression?  
 

I think there is a fine line between not discussing adult things while also correcting blatant falsehoods.  I too would have reminded him you had to be the one to move out because it was faculty housing.  
 

My position about talking to kids is ‘age appropriate truth without venom.’

 

 

[freesia]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t really give therapy credit for this but who knows. During the Johnny/Amber case I once said something (I know I shouldn’t have) like I related to him and then ds compared me to Amber. So he’s been capable of his zingers all along and that’s really the only time he usually discusses anything about divorce. 

My off the cuff interpretation/sense is that he felt you were attacking his dad with the J/A comment and he went on attack. I wouldn’t put much credence in it—but I know it hurts. 

[heartlikealion]

5 minutes ago, freesia said:

My off the cuff interpretation/sense is that he felt you were attacking his dad with the J/A comment and he went on attack. I wouldn’t put much credence in it—but I know it hurts. 

Yes I realized that retrospectively. 

[heartlikealion]

46 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I think it went really well from what you have posted.  What was your overall impression?  

I think there is a fine line between not discussing adult things while also correcting blatant falsehoods.  I too would have reminded him you had to be the one to move out because it was faculty housing.  

My position about talking to kids is ‘age appropriate truth without venom.’

Thank you. I felt like I couldn’t say nothing. And they (xh and his lawyer) literally evicted me and he had the school maintenance change the locks while I was waiting on my current landlord to let me move in. It was really messy. They let me extend my stay a bit at first but life there was super toxic and then they evicted me. I had to sleep in a hotel (he refused to bring the kids by) then stay with my dad for a while further away. The hotel was only used because I had a work meeting and needed to stay close enough til I fulfilled that obligation. But it was a growing experience. 

Sometimes ds will do a half-hearted offer like he feels obligated. He offered to help me empty the dishwasher last night. I was still pretty wounded from something he’d said and figured he didn’t even want to help so I declined at first but he insisted so we emptied it together which was nice. He also refilled the soap in the bathroom when he told me it was low and I said where the extra was. I didn’t fully expect him to refill it so much as was letting him know we weren’t out.  I’ll be sure to bring it up today to thank him for his help (can’t remember if I did). He needs more praise. 

I asked him if he has to go to work with dad all the time and he got on guard asking why I wanted to know. I said I just wasn’t sure if it was when I had dd only or what. He then explained it’s only required if dad is working too far away at another campus. I said ohh ok (I had thought xh didn’t want ds on screens all day unsupervised). 

There have been several issues with him and online access. I think my approach was warranted but we are where we are. My initial approach was limit access to certain things til he is older (ie the fight about him showing his face on YouTube, whether or not he could have a Facebook, TikTok etc). Dad approved several things without my consent (therapist seemed to say not the hill to die on) and then Dad revoked a couple. Currently ds is banned from exchanging any DMs with people. This was dad’s recent rule and I’ve agreed to keep it at my home (no Discord program). 

Overall I think yesterday was good compared to other visits. Dd lashed out on me for using my own phone when she wanted it (I was on phone with the bank). I talked to her later and did a silly impression to convey how OTT it was and she laughed. I can’t do that stuff with ds, though. 

[ktgrok]

Sounds good. I think helping you with the dishes, and the soap, is DSs way of showing his love for you, when he can't do it otherwise. Definitely good to accept it!

[TexasProud]

33 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yes I realized that retrospectively. 

@heartlikealion I want to encourage you. I was part of Greater Impact Ministries for awhile and at the time she had a kind of Deflating Defensiveness kind of thing.  A big part of her training was staying calm, having self-respect, etc. while interacting with your spouse, kid or co-worker.  Part of the training was that you have several stages of growth: being oblivious to your behavior/seeing triggers, seeing them, beginning stages of correct responses but you really have to think and be intentional, and then it being automatic. 

I see a lot of growth in you from being oblivious to seeing your own responses and his responses.  Continue to be curious and look at things and don't get too upset with yourself that you do not respond correctly.  This type of growth takes time.  Eventually, you will get to the point where you do not need to defend yourself or worry what your son thinks about you and whether it is exactly true.  (Not saying you never correct, but you will know more when to do it and when not to and how to stay completely calm and not defensive and feel love while you say it.) 

Anyway, just proud of you for working on this.

[heartlikealion]

Thanks. 

It seems I found the HBO Max Superman & Lois show at a good time... Clark Kent screws up as a dad, Lois Lane yells at her son and has to talk to a therapist about it... the kids are pissed at their parents off/on lol

I know they are fictional characters but my internal dialogue was like, "even Superman messes up with his kids." haha

[ktgrok]

Just now, heartlikealion said:

Thanks. 

It seems I found the HBO Max Superman & Lois show at a good time... Clark Kent screws up as a dad, Lois Lane yells at her son and has to talk to a therapist about it... the kids are pissed at their parents off/on lol

I know they are fictional characters but my internal dialogue was like, "even Superman messes up with his kids." haha

hey, Joseph and Mary LOST Jesus! No one is a perfect parent. 

[bolt.]

I'm so glad yesterday went well.

Don't underestimate the impact of "just plain time" without active conflict going on. That's the foundation for everything.

Yesterday was a big win, not just "okay". In your circumstances an "okay" visit is fantastic.

[Kassia]

2 hours ago, ktgrok said:

Sounds good. I think helping you with the dishes, and the soap, is DSs way of showing his love for you, when he can't do it otherwise. Definitely good to accept it!

 

19 minutes ago, bolt. said:

I'm so glad yesterday went well.

Don't underestimate the impact of "just plain time" without active conflict going on. That's the foundation for everything.

Yesterday was a big win, not just "okay". In your circumstances an "okay" visit is fantastic.

exactly! I feel like this is so encouraging.  Hang in there - you're doing a good job.  ❤️

 

[heartlikealion]

3:00 and he still hasn't left his room except for a few minutes. He says he's sad but won't elaborate. I urged him to eat and have checked on him a few times. 

Sigh. 

[Harriet Vane]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

3:00 and he still hasn't left his room except for a few minutes. He says he's sad but won't elaborate. I urged him to eat and have checked on him a few times. 

Sigh. 

Poor kiddo.

You're doing great, Heart. Steady on. 

One other idea is to give him a simple note that says only: I love you (and then signed "Mom" or whatever he calls you). Sometimes something we can feel and touch and look at again helps. Just an idea--I know you're doing so very, very much.

[freesia]

47 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

3:00 and he still hasn't left his room except for a few minutes. He says he's sad but won't elaborate. I urged him to eat and have checked on him a few times. 

Sigh. 

He’s grieving. Just be patient. Have you brought out the pie, yet?

[heartlikealion]

I witnessed him leave his room once and heard the rustling of a chip bag or something so don’t think he are any real food. I asked again if he’d eaten and he refused to answer just repeating don’t worry about me. I said I’m your mom I’m allowed, I just want to make sure you eat. Then he went into the kitchen and rustled through the fridge. He said he’d finish up the food dad brought over (I didn’t take that as a slight at all! I hate wasting food). 

The pie is defrosting in the fridge now and he saw it. I told him what it was and said maybe he’d want a piece and he mumbled sure. 

He would not tell me earlier if his sadness was related to me or not. I did thank him for yesterday and he asked why I brought that up today. I told him because I don’t remember if I really thanked him (or if he heard) and that I appreciate it. 

He speaks very low and mumbles so that also makes communication difficult for me. Anyone remember the low talker on Seinfeld. That’s how I feel sometimes 

[Kassia]

big hugs to you @heartlikealion  I think you're both handling this the best way you can.  Glad you can come here for support and advice.  I've benefitted from this thread as well.  

[maize]

I have a mumbling teenager Heart; does not make for easy communication!

[freesia]

22 minutes ago, maize said:

I have a mumbling teenager Heart; does not make for easy communication!

Me, too. Or he answers good to any question to “get me off his back.”  He is 17 and growing out of it—unless he’s tired, hungry or sad. 

[heartlikealion]

Ds doesn't always communicate his true feelings and then you find out later. When you address it head on, he will say "it's ok" or "not a big deal" but I'm learning that's all fluff. He's just not a very direct person. I'm trying to workout and a couple years ago I bought a couple sets of dumbbells. Ds said he was interested so I remember at least one set I got I told him were for him. He doesn't use them and they're just sitting at the other house. I asked about him bringing them here and we could both use them, he didn't have to leave them here, etc. He acted very negative about this idea and finally just said, "you're a grown woman and you're always trying to get things from me." Wow. Ok. So that's been communicated. But if I try to give him money or something he'll say you don't need to. It's really crazy making to me, but I know that it's not to be read with malice. 

You cannot accept anything from him, he will hold it against you later. So it's maddening if he insists on paying for something and you have to decline as you know the other shoe will drop later. He spent a big chunk of money on his teachers at the end of the year and then when I asked about him saving up for something (I suggested he save up for a laptop because he can't lug the PC here and I'm often needing mine and his school Chrome book blocks most sites) he says he doesn't want to do that and he had more money but he spent a lot on his teachers. I think to myself, "no one told you to blow $80 on your teachers." But when we discussed it in the past he got defensive (I didn't say it quite like that) and he thinks I'm criticizing his choices. So I try not to comment on how he spends his money and try not to accept anything from him anymore. Literally I've accepted a few bucks here and there at a drive thru and that came back to bite me in the butt even though I showed him his joint bank account with me reflected his money was all there. He'll come over here and say things like, "we should watch Stranger Things" and I'll say, "didn't you already watch it?" and he'll say, "yeah but you should watch it. I'll watch it again with you" and I'll say, "I can't afford to sign up for Netflix right now." and he'll say, "I'll pay!" and I just think, "IT'S A TRAP." Ds inflates in his head how much he has helped me, sits on his phone all day trying to earn money doing surveys and junk, and then criticizes me for pulling over to use a fast food app to save lol. Xh and I joked that ds is me circa 2015 with his Swagbucks. 

In the beginning we argued (this was a couple months ago) because I told him it wasn't ethical what he was doing. But I've let it go. He lies on surveys and says it doesn't matter, no one cares, yada yada. I said I have a degree in advertising, people like me rely on surveys for information about their target audience. So it's kind of annoying when people lie.

Long story short, I've accepted that my outlook on life is different than his and that may or may not change as we age. I will continue trying to provide for my family without accepting anything from him other than acts of service as there are clearly hidden strings attached. I did apologize about the dumbbells and said I didn't realize how he felt about it and I won't ask for stuff like that again. (I was bitter because now I have to spend more money to buy more weights, but whatever). 

He liked the pie and had a couple pieces. 

[Pam in CT]

He ate some pie! He liked the pie!  He stayed through the whole day! Celebrate the baby steps.

[Kassia]

13 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

He ate some pie! He liked the pie!  He stayed through the whole day! Celebrate the baby steps.

Yes, this - celebrate the baby steps.  And you might take a couple of steps forward and then a few back.  But hopefully it will overall be forward.  ❤️  

[heartlikealion]

Yes, true!!! And I know he genuinely liked the pie. He couldn't' wait for the next slice to fully defrost lol. 

[Kassia]

58 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yes, true!!! And I know he genuinely liked the pie. He couldn't' wait for the next slice to fully defrost lol. 

Aw, this makes me so so happy for both of you!  ❤️

[heartlikealion]

I agreed to something that got modified unbeknownst to me so when I just asked xh to pay on the recent group session (me, ds, therapist) he sent a screen shot of the settlement that says he only pays it in full if he initiates or schedules it. So basically there’s no motivation for xh to schedule anything. I said at the very least you owe me half. 

what a mess. 

[NewnameC]

I’m sorry to hear about the settlement issue. Do you have a copy of the settlement? In today’s world, i would want to see it on my copy.

I am glad to hear your son are the pie.

I’ve had a bunch of teen boys, and for many of them, food is their “love language.” 

I just read through this whole thread, and I’m glad to see the change in attitude. Teens can be prickly and it is hard not to take it personally sometimes. I have found the one time I can count on my teens to drop the attitude (at least temporarily) is when we volunteer together. It might be worth looking into if you can’t find something else to do together.

[heartlikealion]

I looked up my copy vs what had been discussed (also had original proposal in writing) and my lawyer thought he talked to me about the part where xh only pays if he initiates/schedules a mental health appt. I said right now this document is saying not only does he not pay full unless he schedules, but he no longer pays half of the ones I set up? How did we get here? After some discussing it became clear it’s not fair to ask him to pay half because I could theoretically rack up big therapy bills and send him a bill. Certainly it makes sense he may not sign another version, too. 

Unless I see something else crazy I’m going to let it go. I know that this will of course affect our motivation to schedule appointments. I’ll plan to not schedule any group sessions with ds this summer and re-evaluate in the fall. The individual sessions will like not be scheduled by xh unless group resume (he feels individual should take place when group does). 

I pay little for the group sessions as my plan is better and I just pay co-pay. But I can’t add kids to my plan and individual is billed to xh’s plan costing us $150/session. I was owing him like $76 each time. So moving forward if xh schedules the individual I won’t owe anything but I don’t know if he’ll keep scheduling them. 

I talked to ds about Father’s Day and options for a card, if he wanted one. He took one of my blank ones and will use that. I also got him to write a thank you to my aunt that recently sent him a birthday gift. I was afraid I’d upset him when I pointed out he signed the wrong half of the inside (it was a blank inside and the handwritten message and sig ended up upside down by mistake). I said don’t worry I have more cards. He sorta laughed at himself. And did a new card. 

Edited June 16, 2022 by heartlikealion

[scholastica]

I would reconsider therapy starting sooner. Your ds needs a safe place to learn healthy communication skills. Also, if he learns to trust that person, he would have a safe third person to talk to about his feelings about you and the divorce and then would be able to help him express those to you. 

[heartlikealion]

3 minutes ago, scholastica said:

I would reconsider therapy starting sooner. Your ds needs a safe place to learn healthy communication skills. Also, if he learns to trust that person, he would have a safe third person to talk to about his feelings about you and the divorce and then would be able to help him express those to you. 

It’s a combination of issues. I’m constantly on the verge of overdrafting. Today one card said insufficient funds when I went to the store to buy a few things. My pay day is “around” the 15th of the month and the 5th. I don’t get paid til the 20th sometimes. I don’t know how much it will cost to move and that will be very soon. 

If you’re talking one-on-one therapy, I don’t even know if ds talks about anything deep there. And those are the $150 sessions that must be scheduled by xh or else I foot the bill. The group sessions where I’m present are only $25 and I can’t even afford those right now. 

[scholastica]

22 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

It’s a combination of issues. I’m constantly on the verge of overdrafting. Today one card said insufficient funds when I went to the store to buy a few things. My pay day is “around” the 15th of the month and the 5th. I don’t get paid til the 20th sometimes. I don’t know how much it will cost to move and that will be very soon. 

If you’re talking one-on-one therapy, I don’t even know if ds talks about anything deep there. And those are the $150 sessions that must be scheduled by xh or else I foot the bill. The group sessions where I’m present are only $25 and I can’t even afford those right now. 

I mean the therapy for the two of you. We developed a relationship with a counselor and when trust was built, one of our kids was able to express to the counselor privately what was on their mind and then counselor mediated the child expressing that to the person in the family that was involved. The counselor also helped mediate solutions.

[heartlikealion]

8 minutes ago, scholastica said:

I mean the therapy for the two of you. We developed a relationship with a counselor and when trust was built, one of our kids was able to express to the counselor privately what was on their mind and then counselor mediated the child expressing that to the person in the family that was involved. The counselor also helped mediate solutions.

He never meets privately with that one, though. 

[scholastica]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

He never meets privately with that one, though. 

We just stepped out of the room for a few minutes during a group session.

[heartlikealion]

Just now, scholastica said:

We just stepped out of the room for a few minutes during a group session.

Oh he sometimes allows that (we do zoom but I can log in late) but another time I brought something up he said that was for the other therapist. It’s kind of all blurry. 

[Ceilingfan]

You might look around, especially with the availability of zoom therapy, and see if you qualify for anyone's sliding scale. I doubt you would need to pay full price anywhere that has a sliding scale with your income so low.

That's a pretty weird cost-sharing agreement, and it's too bad you didn't understand it fully before signing (or weren't carefully informed). No therapist can ethically treat someone they don't think needs the help, so it's not like you could just rack up big therapy bills willy-nilly. Is your DS insured by his father? Could he at least get individual therapy under that insurance? 

[heartlikealion]

48 minutes ago, Ceilingfan said:

You might look around, especially with the availability of zoom therapy, and see if you qualify for anyone's sliding scale. I doubt you would need to pay full price anywhere that has a sliding scale with your income so low.

That's a pretty weird cost-sharing agreement, and it's too bad you didn't understand it fully before signing (or weren't carefully informed). No therapist can ethically treat someone they don't think needs the help, so it's not like you could just rack up big therapy bills willy-nilly. Is your DS insured by his father? Could he at least get individual therapy under that insurance? 

The kids are on xh’s plan so all therapy is billed to him and my income would be irrelevant. They share a family deductible of $3000 but almost never meet it. My boss pays for my ins but it’s not cheap. Any time I go to my own therapy or therapy with ds I run my card and pay a co-pay. it’s not bad but it adds up since I’m already paying for my individual therapy and/or ladies’ group therapy depending on what I’m doing at the time. I’ve cut out most non essentials (closed my storage unit, don’t always have a streaming service) but then gas and groceries went up. 

I saw a psychologist concerning ds about a month ago and xh refused to pay toward that consult. It had to be billed to xh’s ins, though so I paid more than my copay. The next step was to have ds go in for a psych evaluation and then see if ASD testing was warranted. I think that was all going to cost $$$ but thought we’d be splitting it. NOW if I do it I’ll have to eat the entire bill and I’ll get a ton of push back so I haven’t rushed to schedule anything. I’ve had ds tested for other things in the past that weren’t cheap and xh wasn’t necessarily on board with so yes I can see how he would think I’ll run up bills.

For what it’s worth, everything I had done did offer valuable feedback though ds doesn’t agree with the diagnoses (ADHD inattentive type & Auditory Processing Disorder). The first test (psych ran a gambit of tests at children’s developmental clinic including looking for ADD) showed issues on the bender gestalt visual motor test and I sought out a developmental optometrist that discovered the kids had retained primitive reflexes and both needed glasses (plus dd’s esotropia and peripheral vision issues— all of which have vastly improved after years of dr visits and some OT). 

I did look into income assistance in other ways but always miss the requirements. Example - can’t get food stamps or WIC. Can’t even claim the kids as dependents so my household size is considered 1. I make like $200 too much for the RAMP program in our state for renter’s assistance and that appears to just be a short-term help. 

[heartlikealion]

Oh and in my state I pay child support til they are 21. Even after ds ages out I’ll send the same amount because they’ve reduced it as much as possible. Normally the rate goes down based on number of kids under 21 (not a typo. My state isn’t 18).

[Scarlett]

8 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Oh and in my state I pay child support til they are 21. Even after ds ages out I’ll send the same amount because they’ve reduced it as much as possible. Normally the rate goes down based on number of kids under 21 (not a typo. My state isn’t 18).

That is just crazy to me……If you guys had stayed married you would not be responsible for financial support past 18. 
 

And who gets the cs from 18 to 21?  I would think in many cases the 18 year old would move out of the home and yet the parent keeps getting the money?  So weird to me.  

[heartlikealion]

15 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

That is just crazy to me……If you guys had stayed married you would not be responsible for financial support past 18. 
 

And who gets the cs from 18 to 21?  I would think in many cases the 18 year old would move out of the home and yet the parent keeps getting the money?  So weird to me.  

The money just goes to the child remaining. In my case I just send the same amount for dd after ds moves out. 

The way we have it worded I’m not responsible for the private school tuition, though. During our separation he used money from the child tax credit toward tuition plus any cs I sent. I don’t really know how he’s paying for 2 kids. Probably since I’m not on his insurance and he dropped out of his phD program he allocated that toward it. /shrug. 

edit: oh I misread. My guess is they would be in college so the money would go toward text books, classes, or such. I don’t know. If xh has it his way, ds will attend community college where he works (reduced rate) and just live with him I guess? I’m not opposed to that exactly, but I was hoping to get the kids to the city public schools before them. Ds is entering high school (grade 9) in the fall. 

Edited June 16, 2022 by heartlikealion

[Forget-Me-Not]

On 6/14/2022 at 7:29 AM, heartlikealion said:

 

Sometimes ds will do a half-hearted offer like he feels obligated. He offered to help me empty the dishwasher last night. I was still pretty wounded from something he’d said and figured he didn’t even want to help so I declined at first but he insisted so we emptied it together which was nice. He also refilled the soap in the bathroom when he told me it was low and I said where the extra was. I didn’t fully expect him to refill it so much as was letting him know we weren’t out.  I’ll be sure to bring it up today to thank him for his help (can’t remember if I did). He needs more praise. 

 

These might be non-verbal apologies. Praise him to the skies for anything positive you can. 

Re: feeling sad. I’d just validate him feeling sad and make it clear you’re available if he wants to talk. Don’t press him to talk about it or try to justify the things that happened to make him feel sad. Like someone else said, he’s grieving. His family looks different now and he’s finding a new normal.