Updates 2023 (job hunt etc)

[heartlikealion]

Just emailed the secretary again. 

[Spryte]

4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

A few pages back? I said I wasn't sure what I could disclose. Because it hasn't formally happened. Anything they reference was probably from something I told them in a PM. Basically, I'm waiting on someone to knock on my door any day now. Xh thinks I'm in contempt. 

Ah, ok. I didn’t quite get that.

Nevertheless, even if he thinks you are in contempt, I think you can file for the modifications that are necessitated by his move. You bring in contempt doesn’t give him the right to just move and change the agreement.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

[heartlikealion]

2 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Ah, ok. I didn’t quite get that.

Nevertheless, even if he thinks you are in contempt, I think you can file for the modifications that are necessitated by his move. You bring in contempt doesn’t give him the right to just move and change the agreement.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

He already fully admits we have to modify it. So that's why I think my lawyer is waiting. It's inevitable. It's not a question of if we modify, but when. 

[heartlikealion]

There's a possibility that xh didn't convey to his attorney's office that I drove down to the coast recently so they may have tried to serve me when I was on the coast. I have no idea if they have attempted to come to me yet. 

Edited January 16, 2023 by heartlikealion

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

There's a possibility that xh didn't convey to his attorney's office that I drove down to the coast recently so they may have tried to serve me when I was on the coast. I have no idea if they have attempted to come to me yet. 

Can’t you just go sign off on having received the papers? Just to get the show on the road so to speak?

[heartlikealion]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Can’t you just go sign off on having received the papers? Just to get the show on the road so to speak?

That lawyer said if he was going to represent me, he could waive the delivery. But then he didn't respond when I asked what he'd do for my case. 

Yes, it appears I will just stick with him. I don't know if we want to waive delivery or not... I can see pros and cons to both ways of handling it. 

[Drama Llama]

My husband threatens me with contempt for all sorts of ridiculous things, sometimes he gets his lawyer to write threatening letters.  I am pretty sure his attorney tells him “I can write this if you pay me but you are not going to win this.”  
 

 

[heartlikealion]

8 minutes ago, BandH said:

My husband threatens me with contempt for all sorts of ridiculous things, sometimes he gets his lawyer to write threatening letters.  I am pretty sure his attorney tells him “I can write this if you pay me but you are not going to win this.”  

 

I wonder if my xh's attorney thinks he's a nutter by now. Some of the things said Lol. 

[AmandaVT]

2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

There's a possibility that xh didn't convey to his attorney's office that I drove down to the coast recently so they may have tried to serve me when I was on the coast. I have no idea if they have attempted to come to me yet. 

I have been following your story and I am just hopping mad that he's trying to claim that YOU'RE in contempt. Ugh - I don't know what it's about but I'm ready to go get my law degree and get bar certified in your state just so I can stick it to him for you. 🤬 I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, Heart!!

[heartlikealion]

Maybe this is all happening so I can write a book lol 

I only saw one relevant job (the one I applied to) in that area so far ugh.

[Drama Llama]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I wonder if my xh's attorney thinks he's a nutter by now. Some of the things said Lol. 

I think my husband’s attorney profits richly from his nuttiness, mine certainly does!  
 

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I wonder if my xh's attorney thinks he's a nutter by now. Some of the things said Lol. 

For sure. 

My ex's first barrister made him return dd before dinner time on Sundays because he didn't trust him to feed her. And he was right, he didn't start feeding her properly on Sundays until he wanted to accuse me of not feeding her.

The last lot laughed at him for having an email sig line all about loving one's neighbour and one's god, while he was being anything but loving towards his daughter.

 

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

For sure. 

My ex's first barrister made him return dd before dinner time on Sundays because he didn't trust him to feed her. And he was right, he didn't start feeding her properly on Sundays until he wanted to accuse me of not feeding her.

The last lot laughed at him for having an email sig line all about loving one's neighbour and one's god, while he was being anything but loving towards his daughter.

 

how annoying

[heartlikealion]

I want to pull my hair out, I don't know what I should be doing. Applying to jobs here or there. I don't know if we can stop him from moving again. And I don't know if I can get travel expenses. What if I ask for travel costs and then end up moving there? So then my modification request makes no sense. I don't even know what to ask for or do. 

[Rosie_0801]

I don't think you should try to move. It's too exhausting to make changes that open you up to being screwed over yet again. He's got more agency than you do, since he also has a wife to screw over and help screw you over.

What do you actually *need?* (Ya know, other than a Tardis and a billion dollars.)

You need to stay where there is reasonable rent.
You need time with your kids.
You need travel to be less of a burden.

[Spryte]

23 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I want to pull my hair out, I don't know what I should be doing. Applying to jobs here or there. I don't know if we can stop him from moving again. And I don't know if I can get travel expenses. What if I ask for travel costs and then end up moving there? So then my modification request makes no sense. I don't even know what to ask for or do. 

I would proceed the way you would if he lives there, and you live where you are.

Travel expenses or he does all the transportation, increased summer and school break visits to make up for lost weekday visits, and wording to the effect that he can’t move the kids outside of X radius. And write into any agreement that if you manage to move within X miles of them again that you get you regular weekday visits back as well. 

There may be more you should ask for, but the above is a minimum. And then if you do land a job there and move, that’s a bonus, but you can take your time about deciding to do that.

I definitely would not move without some sort of confirmation that he won’t move again. 

[heartlikealion]

2 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I don't think you should try to move. It's too exhausting to make changes that open you up to being screwed over yet again. He's got more agency than you do, since he also has a wife to screw over and help screw you over.

What do you actually *need?* (Ya know, other than a Tardis and a billion dollars.)

You need to stay where there is reasonable rent.
You need time with your kids.
You need travel to be less of a burden.

I guess I’m worried that not moving is the same as saying no weekday visits and then that mom guilt will hit hard. 
I can drive to see dd this week after school but only because I have flex hours. I need to make more and most jobs will keep me tied to a desk 8-5. 

[heartlikealion]

2 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I would proceed the way you would if he lives there, and you live where you are.

Travel expenses or he does all the transportation, increased summer and school break visits to make up for lost weekday visits, and wording to the effect that he can’t move the kids outside of X radius. And write into any agreement that if you manage to move within X miles of them again that you get you regular weekday visits back as well. 

There may be more you should ask for, but the above is a minimum. And then if you do land a job there and move, that’s a bonus, but you can take your time about deciding to do that.

I definitely would not move without some sort of confirmation that he won’t move again. 

See the issue with increased summer is it doesn’t actually translate to something useful if I’m working most hours and/or coughing up summer camp/child care/burdening ds to watch his sister. 

[Rosie_0801]

6 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I guess I’m worried that not moving is the same as saying no weekday visits and then that mom guilt will hit hard. 
I can drive to see dd this week after school but only because I have flex hours. I need to make more and most jobs will keep me tied to a desk 8-5. 

I would have been given Wednesday nights too, if I'd agreed to move to the city. I couldn't afford to move to the city, so stiff petunias. Reality is what it is.

You moving would be a big sign saying "Kick Me" so he probably would. You wouldn't be able to afford to move again when he did.

Mum guilt has its place in our lives, but guilt because you can't control reality is misplaced guilt and you must learn to ignore it. If kids ask, you say "I can't do X without damaging myself. That is why I'm not doing it." Nobody ever thanks us for damaging ourselves.

 

[heartlikealion]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

I would have been given Wednesday nights too, if I'd agreed to move to the city. I couldn't afford to move to the city, so stiff petunias. Reality is what it is.

You moving would be a big sign saying "Kick Me" so he probably would. You wouldn't be able to afford to move again.

Mum guilt has its place in our lives, but guilt because you can't control reality is misplaced guilt and you must learn to ignore it. If kids ask, you say "I can't do X without damaging myself. That is why I'm not doing it." Nobody ever thanks us for damaging ourselves.

Thank you. That might be the first time in this thread where someone said it’s ok to sacrifice a weekday (even if it’s not totally replaced with some other visit). 

Weekday visits amount to a little time together, dinner and bedtime. It’s not the equivalent of a full Saturday or such. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

Thank you. That might be the first time in this thread where someone said it’s ok to sacrifice a weekday (even if it’s not totally replaced with some other visit). 

Weekday visits amount to a little time together, dinner and bedtime. It’s not the equivalent of a full Saturday or such. 

Right, but for the sake of paper trail, you need it lodged with the court that he has chosen to deprive you of court ordered visitation, and (wording this however legal people word things) while you wouldn't dream of trying to control his life by having him ordered back within a reasonable distance, his choice has not only cheated you and your daughter out of your weeknight, but the weekend travel is causing unreasonable hardship so he needs to compensate you accordingly.

[heartlikealion]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Right, but for the sake of paper trail, you need it lodged with the court that he has chosen to deprive you of court ordered visitation, and (wording this however legal people word things) while you wouldn't dream of trying to control his life by having him ordered back within a reasonable distance, his choice has not only cheated you and your daughter out of your weeknight, but the weekend travel is causing unreasonable hardship so he needs to compensate you accordingly.

That makes sense. 

Just applied to a job closer to where I currently live. Much better pay than the one by the kids. 

[Jaybee]

26 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I don't think you should try to move. It's too exhausting to make changes that open you up to being screwed over yet again. He's got more agency than you do, since he also has a wife to screw over and help screw you over.

What do you actually *need?* (Ya know, other than a Tardis and a billion dollars.)

You need to stay where there is reasonable rent.
You need time with your kids.
You need travel to be less of a burden.

I agree with Rosie. You currently have a job(s). You currently have a nice place to live. I would not throw those away without a more secure knowledge that he is going to stay where he is. Especially if he currently does not have employment. I don't know how it will/should all work in regard to visitation, etc. But it does not seem wise to me to put yourself in an unstable and variable position for a condition that could change at any time. Keep working with a lawyer. Unless, of course, you get hired for an amazing much higher-paying job that would be better for you in every way, and that you would choose no matter the other circumstances.. Moving is expensive, and making your own situation less steady doesn't seem wise. I'm afraid it would backfire and you would be (and look) more flighty and unsettled.

[Jaybee]

And yes, I like all of @Rosie_0801's posts. It isn't fair that you get less visitation. But I do think it is important that you take care of yourself and try to get yourself on a more or continued path toward stability. If you don't, that could be used against you too. It stinks that it currently appears that he is getting everything his way. And that he puts your relationship with the kids in jeopardy. As much as is in your power, he shouldn't get to put your safety and stability (financial and otherwise) in jeopardy as well. 

What do I know? But I do think there will be a point in time that it all comes back to bite him, and you will be glad for using common sense for yourself. I agree that the visits are important, and that you should not just give up that time. But I also agree that if you are jerked around by every whim of his, that you risk doing a lot of damage to yourself, which could cause the time that you do have to be more fraught. He is the one who moved away, not you. 

[Spryte]

38 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

See the issue with increased summer is it doesn’t actually translate to something useful if I’m working most hours and/or coughing up summer camp/child care/burdening ds to watch his sister. 

If you end up getting more summer weeks in compensation, it can be written into the agreement that he pays for the daycare or summer camps since his move necessitated that change. Or he pays half the cost of care.

It might be worth a try. 
 

ETA: if it doesn’t work, it’s ok to protect yourself and not pursue extra time to make up for weekdays.

Edited January 16, 2023 by Spryte

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I don't think you should try to move. It's too exhausting to make changes that open you up to being screwed over yet again. He's got more agency than you do, since he also has a wife to screw over and help screw you over.

What do you actually *need?* (Ya know, other than a Tardis and a billion dollars.)

You need to stay where there is reasonable rent.
You need time with your kids.
You need travel to be less of a burden.

Yes, this.

[Harriet Vane]

51 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Right, but for the sake of paper trail, you need it lodged with the court that he has chosen to deprive you of court ordered visitation, and (wording this however legal people word things) while you wouldn't dream of trying to control his life by having him ordered back within a reasonable distance, his choice has not only cheated you and your daughter out of your weeknight, but the weekend travel is causing unreasonable hardship so he needs to compensate you accordingly.

YES.

[Drama Llama]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Right, but for the sake of paper trail, you need it lodged with the court that he has chosen to deprive you of court ordered visitation, and (wording this however legal people word things) while you wouldn't dream of trying to control his life by having him ordered back within a reasonable distance, his choice has not only cheated you and your daughter out of your weeknight, but the weekend travel is causing unreasonable hardship so he needs to compensate you accordingly.

Why would she say the bolded?  Why can't she file asking that he be required to move back within visitation distance, and to return the children to the school they agreed on?

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, BandH said:

Why would she say the bolded?  Why can't she file asking that he be required to move back within visitation distance, and to return the children to the school they agreed on?

The only reason I’d let it go is because I don’t like jerking the kids around but I’m curious, too. 

[Rosie_0801]

31 minutes ago, BandH said:

Why would she say the bolded?  Why can't she file asking that he be required to move back within visitation distance, and to return the children to the school they agreed on?

I don't like to invite punishment from the ex, which happens enough anyway.
The kids seem to be happy there, so there's no good in creating further resentment.
Demanding further instability for the kids isn't great.
Women are already control freaks in these situations just by existing.
 

But, bare in mind, I'm much better at being a dv victim than otherwise, so perhaps it is poor advice, but in this situation winning wouldn't be winning, so one might as well try and use it to improve one's image, or at least not worsen it. I might very well advise otherwise if Son wasn't such a strong ally to Mr Abusive.

[heartlikealion]

@Rosie_0801 thank you for clarifying

[Drama Llama]

2 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I don't like to invite punishment from the ex, which happens enough anyway.
The kids seem to be happy there, so there's no good in creating further resentment.
Demanding further instability for the kids isn't great.
Women are already control freaks in these situations just by existing.
 

But, bare in mind, I'm much better at being a dv victim than otherwise, so perhaps it is poor advice, but in this situation winning wouldn't be winning, so one might as well try and use it to improve one's image, or at least not worsen it. I might very well advise otherwise if Son wasn't such a strong ally to Mr Abusive.

I'm not actually saying that I think they should move back.  I understand the logic of saying "Given that the kids have already been through a big transition, I'm not advocating another one, so let's look for a solution where the kids stay put and their relationship and time with me is protected".  It was the "I wouldn't dream of . . . " language that I think I reacted to.

[Rosie_0801]

Just now, BandH said:

I'm not actually saying that I think they should move back.  I understand the logic of saying "Given that the kids have already been through a big transition, I'm not advocating another one, so let's look for a solution where the kids stay put and their relationship and time with me is protected".  It was the "I wouldn't dream of . . . " language that I think I reacted to.

That's why I said it needed to be said the proper lawyer way. I know it is not good wording.

[Scarlett]

I agree you need to sit tight for  a minute.  I disagree that you should not move. 

Even if he has to pay travel expenses or do all traveling your kids still have to travel 8 hours every other weekend. They will hate it.  That is 8 hours of your weekend you lose with your kids. Also just being so far away…. There is a lot you will miss. 
 

You need to go ahead and ask for the modification. Get what you can get . If that is extra money for travel great. Then if you move it would be on  him to modify the court order. 

[heartlikealion]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I agree you need to sit tight for  a minute.  I disagree that you should not move. 

Even if he has to pay travel expenses or do all traveling your kids still have to travel 8 hours every other weekend. They will hate it.  That is 8 hours of your weekend you lose with your kids. Also just being so far away…. There is a lot you will miss. 
 

You need to go ahead and ask for the modification. Get what you can get . If that is extra money for travel great. Then if you move it would be on  him to modify the court order. 

Hmm. 

Well for this particular week, I have decided to drive down Wed night (that means no car ride for dd) as opposed to meeting dd and xh at the midpoint on Friday night. I will stay there the full weekend. 

But, I literally may not afford to move to their city/surrounding area. I was told by my father and a former high school classmate that lives in the area, what I need to make to survive there. It's significantly more than I make now. The job I applied to in that area had an Indeed salary estimate, not given by the company. But if it's anywhere close to the truth, that job would not pay enough to warrant my move. It would fall 10k short. 

So I'm prepared to potentially NOT move. I will not take on a roommate long-term. I will not live with my dad/aunt. 

[heartlikealion]

And regarding missing events at the school -- those didn't come up that often. Dd's Christmas pageant for example, fell at 10am on a weekday and I was unable to attend due to having an appt in the city the same day in addition to work. 

I've lived away from the kids for 2 years now. I can probably count on one hand school-related events. Meet the Teacher, awards ceremony, fall fest, dd's Halloween class party. That sums up most if not all. 

 

[Rosie_0801]

24 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

And regarding missing events at the school -- those didn't come up that often. Dd's Christmas pageant for example, fell at 10am on a weekday and I was unable to attend due to having an appt in the city the same day in addition to work. 

I've lived away from the kids for 2 years now. I can probably count on one hand school-related events. Meet the Teacher, awards ceremony, fall fest, dd's Halloween class party. That sums up most if not all. 

 

I didn't go to any of those things. Dd didn't want me to either. We both knew I didn't belong there and I can only choke down so much secondary wounding.

[heartlikealion]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

I didn't go to any of those things. Dd didn't want me to either. We both knew I didn't belong there and I can only choke down so much secondary wounding.

I don’t know if I follow. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

I don’t know if I follow. 

I didn't go to dd's school events.

[heartlikealion]

13 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I didn't go to dd's school events.

I mean about wounding. Did you have to run into the x? That’s the part I hate!!!

[Rosie_0801]

3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I mean about wounding. Did you have to run into the x? That’s the part I hate!!!

Secondary wounding? Oh yes, dealing with him usually makes me feel like my veins are filled with toxic waste, but for me it was more than that. It was the entire system. I am far too autistic to play nicely in an upper-socio area when neither dd nor I like the taste of the local Kool-aid.

My brother went to some of the speech nights though.

[heartlikealion]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Secondary wounding? Oh yes, dealing with him usually makes me feel like my veins are filled with toxic waste, but for me it was more than that. It was the entire system. I am far too autistic to play nicely in an upper-socio area when neither dd nor I like the taste of the local Kool-aid.

My brother went to some of the speech nights though.

Ohh ok. 
Last school event I went to they created a second text chain I somehow didn’t get added to… so I showed up to the Halloween party after all the parents had left because I was going by the previous time stated! But the teacher let me stay and host the game I made, dd gave me a big hug, and I didn’t have to cross paths with xh or stepmom.  

[heartlikealion]

Talked to my attorney. We will waive delivery of papers. Apparently a court date is already set (not sure exact date, I never saw it) so we don’t want to wait. 99% chance we’re going to court. If you have more ques send me a PM. 

New question - so I said I’d pick dd up from school. My dad suggested to just meet her at the bus stop. The car line is a whole ordeal. Well then xh informs me she’s switched buses! “To cut down on her bus time” (or maybe he needed after school care, no idea) she gets dropped off in front of my ex SIL’s home. I was told I can park in her driveway to meet dd. I’m having second thoughts. I don’t know if ex SIL will be home. I just don’t want any interactions/accusations. 

[Harriet Vane]

Perhaps park on the street? I think you have to go where dd will be either way, though I definitely sympathize with your desire not to have accusations or interactions. If you see SIL there, turn your phone video on.

[Faith-manor]

Just now, Harriet Vane said:

Perhaps park on the street? I think you have to go where dd will be either way, though I definitely sympathize with your desire not to have accusations or interactions. If you see SIL there, turn your phone video on.

This. And also, you could make it seem like you are working, have your laptop out and randomly typing while sitting and waiting (though make sure you are not running the engine because if the engine is on and a cop drives by, he/she could get snarky) which might make her consider not bothering you or put the phone up to your ear, roll down the window, and say "I'm taking a work call. Can't talk!" Then turn your head away and keep pretending until she leaves or call a friend or work colleague so you are genuinely on the phone. 

[Spryte]

If possible, I would pick DD up directly from school. If not, I’d opt to park on the street and look busy working/on a call.

The phone video is a good idea, and if you can pull it off, that’s a great plan. I’ve never mastered whipping out the phone and videoing stressful moments—not gracefully anyway. Gotta work on that skill!

[heartlikealion]

Call me paranoid but I just called the school and set up dd as a car rider today. It’s a huge time suck but I’ll wait in the car line. Ex SIL is a bit crazy (one time called me accusing me of taking xh’s work clothes when I moved out because he couldn’t find a certain shirt that was hanging up all along) and sometimes works from home so I have no idea if I’d see her. My former niece & nephew were pretty much blocked from my life too and I don’t know if I’m “allowed” to interact with them should they be around. 

[Spryte]

23 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Call me paranoid but I just called the school and set up dd as a car rider today. It’s a huge time suck but I’ll wait in the car line. Ex SIL is a bit crazy (one time called me accusing me of taking xh’s work clothes when I moved out because he couldn’t find a certain shirt that was hanging up all along) and sometimes works from home so I have no idea if I’d see her. My former niece & nephew were pretty much blocked from my life too and I don’t know if I’m “allowed” to interact with them should they be around. 

Good move!

[heartlikealion]

My neighbor agreed to check on the cat again. She wouldn’t take money but likes my baked goods. I left her muffins I made from an apple Bundt cake recipe. 

[Harriet Vane]

3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Call me paranoid but I just called the school and set up dd as a car rider today. It’s a huge time suck but I’ll wait in the car line. Ex SIL is a bit crazy (one time called me accusing me of taking xh’s work clothes when I moved out because he couldn’t find a certain shirt that was hanging up all along) and sometimes works from home so I have no idea if I’d see her. My former niece & nephew were pretty much blocked from my life too and I don’t know if I’m “allowed” to interact with them should they be around. 

Excellent plan! Way to be proactive.