Updates 2023 (job hunt etc)

[Scarlett]

Heart I am just so upset for you.  Your hands are really tied in a lot of ways.  Fighting in  the courts isn’t going to yield you much mainly because of the Alienation of your son. 

Not sure what your ex hopes to accomplish with whatever it is he has filed. Probably an offensive move because he knows he could get in trouble for this move.
 

Regardless, stay focused.

Keep it simple.

Insist on your Wednesday time being made up. 

Do what you have to do to see kids EOW.

And if he gets a job there, move there. Being near them will be crucial in the next few years. 

((((Hugs))))

[heartlikealion]

If I consider moving there it won't be til I see that he's remained over 6 months, because I'm going to conservatively say he signed at least a 6 month lease. Once that lease is up, he'll know if he is willing to pay that ridiculous rent and/or if his rent will increase on month 7th which would also make him re-evaluate that costly rent. Even if he and his spouse become gainfully employed, that rent is not cheap. It's more than most pay for mortgage (which seems to be a country-wide circumstance, not just local). 

I would not be surprised at ALL if he moves the kids again over summer. 

I will anticipate making the drive every other week for the next six months. I normally get Thursday after school and then have to drop dd off at school on Friday. I could consider driving to my dad's on Wednesday nights, work from his house on Thursday and meet her after school on Thursday. But that may not be practical to do weekly (in fact, I'm sure it isn't) so I don't want to offer that as the standard expectation. 

This week I plan to sleep at my dad's til Sun night. We haven't left town yet because the weather was terrible. I am tidying up a little bit and the kids are eating and then we are heading out. 

[heartlikealion]

Everything was filed locally so I won't have to go to him if we end up in court. It's a hassle to move things so they will probably remain local. 

[ktgrok]

Did he SAY anything about this effecting your visitation/custody? Like, has he addressed that AT ALL?

[heartlikealion]

27 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Did he SAY anything about this effecting your visitation/custody? Like, has he addressed that AT ALL?

Nope. 

[freesia]

It seems to me you could ask to have him pay the fees bc it was his choice to move and disrupt visitation. 

[ktgrok]

9 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Nope. 

So have you said, "hey, but what about visitation??"

[heartlikealion]

Just now, ktgrok said:

So have you said, "hey, but what about visitation??"

I don’t remember what I’ve said. I’d have to go through texts. But I know it will go like this: 

me: what about my visitation? 
him: silence or 

“you did this. I moved here because of you” 

he will not head on address questions. He will skirt issues, cast blame, stonewall… 

I don’t even bother engaging most of the time. 

[heartlikealion]

19 minutes ago, freesia said:

It seems to me you could ask to have him pay the fees bc it was his choice to move and disrupt visitation. 

I know but I rarely get what I ask for. I’ll either have him pay transportation fees or reduce my child support and I’m not even holding my breath on either. 

[freesia]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

I know but I rarely get what I ask for. I’ll either have him pay transportation fees or reduce my child support and I’m not even holding my breath on either. 

Well, I think it’s worth asking for. 

[Harriet Vane]

3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I know but I rarely get what I ask for. I’ll either have him pay transportation fees or reduce my child support and I’m not even holding my breath on either. 

It seems that a major disruption in visitation is worth litigating about and asking for him to pay the costs. 

[heartlikealion]

Just now, Harriet Vane said:

It seems that a major disruption in visitation is worth litigating about and asking for him to pay the costs. 

I don’t disagree! I’m just saying I don’t hold my breath for results. I will discuss with my lawyer. 

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

If I consider moving there it won't be til I see that he's remained over 6 months, because I'm going to conservatively say he signed at least a 6 month lease. Once that lease is up, he'll know if he is willing to pay that ridiculous rent and/or if his rent will increase on month 7th which would also make him re-evaluate that costly rent. Even if he and his spouse become gainfully employed, that rent is not cheap. It's more than most pay for mortgage (which seems to be a country-wide circumstance, not just local). 

I would not be surprised at ALL if he moves the kids again over summer. 

I will anticipate making the drive every other week for the next six months. I normally get Thursday after school and then have to drop dd off at school on Friday. I could consider driving to my dad's on Wednesday nights, work from his house on Thursday and meet her after school on Thursday. But that may not be practical to do weekly (in fact, I'm sure it isn't) so I don't want to offer that as the standard expectation. 

This week I plan to sleep at my dad's til Sun night. We haven't left town yet because the weather was terrible. I am tidying up a little bit and the kids are eating and then we are heading out. 

I think this is a reasonable plan.  You can do this.  Don’t let him get you down. 

[heartlikealion]

New info keeps rolling out. Xh didn’t drop off a lunch bag for ds like I asked. Ds currently has his own plus mine (from his last visit at Thanksgiving) at Dad’s home 🤦🏻‍♀️ 

I think I’ll just send him cash. 

I found out google lied about start/end times but the websites don’t make it easy to find the info. Xh tried to get me to sign some transportation papers tomorrow and I said no, I’m just taking dd to school, not doing paperwork. You know d@mn well if I sign anything he’ll say I was fine with the school switch. 

Edited January 5, 2023 by heartlikealion

[Spryte]

Definitely don’t sign anything. Good call.

If you were eventually to pick up some inexpensive lunch containers (even brown bags? I know. Kids. But still.) instead of sending cash, it might help motivate the kids to make sure things migrate between houses. We eventually caught on to making sure kid was invested in having stuff at the right place, but that takes a while, and we replaced a lot of stuff. It does get old.

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, Spryte said:

Definitely don’t sign anything. Good call.

If you were eventually to pick up some inexpensive lunch containers (even brown bags? I know. Kids. But still.) instead of sending cash, it might help motivate the kids to make sure things migrate between houses. We eventually caught on to making sure kid was invested in having stuff at the right place, but that takes a while, and we replaced a lot of stuff. It does get old.

I’ve never sent cash lol this is a last resort. I don’t know what’s in my dad’s kitchen and ds suggested cash. But in the future I’ll stock the house. My dad might even have a bag we could borrow. 

[heartlikealion]

Went to Walmart after dd was asleep. Got more stuff for lunches. Found a bag here. 

[heartlikealion]

The elem school tried to make me sign that transportation paper. Essentially implying it was required to use pick up line. I said I would not be signing anything for legal reasons and dad could sign but how can I pick my daughter up today?? After a little persistence I got permission/placard as I’d already been listed as an authorized pick up person and showed ID. Unfortunately (or maybe not?) ds witnessed the whole interaction and I’m sure I look like the mean, difficult mom. I didn’t think ds would come inside with us. 

Later we went to the high school that starts after 8 and saw other transfer students also waiting to meet with the counselor. She said today they get an acct. number in the cafeteria to add a balance to the account (so not sure cash would have worked) and there’s a portal to access it. Yeah I’m not gonna fool with that. I am glad I sent him a lunch. She escorted them to her office and the parents left. I got his bus number last night from xh and texted it to him as a reminder. Dad must sign something for the school chrome book but he’ll get that today and I won’t have to deal with it. 

I reminded xh they need a signature at the elem and won’t be getting it from me. 

[Faith-manor]

Good job, Heart! I think you handled that just right. That hard NO about signing anything is very wise.

[heartlikealion]

On 1/4/2023 at 12:59 AM, *LC said:

I’m so sorry to hear about this latest development. I agree with everyone else that this move seems clearly to be a problem.

I found this but did not have time to read it. 
https://www.msbar.org/media/2375/gal-disc-3-mississippi-law-on-custody-and-visitation.pdf

The quick search also turned up this explanation on the website of a Mississippi law firm that seems to indicate moving long distance is a no no. The part about moving is in last paragraph. 
 

“Modifying a Mississippi Custody Order

Original custody orders can be modified in some cases, provided the parent seeking a modification can show a material change in circumstances that now adversely affects their children’s best interests. The parent who filed the petition has the burden of proof.

Family court judges won’t grant modifications unless the filing party can show:

A material change in the custodial home;

The change adversely affects your child’s welfare under the current arrangement; and

The modification will be in the best interest of your child.

When a parent moves a few miles away, it’s unlikely to be deemed a material change. However, if one parent wants to move further than 100 miles away, that could be a material change”

This firm says they do free case reviews if you want another opinion just to check.

Which firm? I just see MS Bar. Am I missing something? 

Already struggling this weekend with staying here. Might need to stay with girlfriend next visit. Our kids will get together tomorrow. And even called a rental in town to compare prices. They wanted $800 more a month than I pay and potentially a monthly pet fee on top.

[Faith-manor]

17 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Which firm? I just see MS Bar. Am I missing something? 

Already struggling this weekend with staying here. Might need to stay with girlfriend next visit. Our kids will get together tomorrow. And even called a rental in town to compare prices. They wanted $800 more a month than I pay and potentially a monthly pet fee on top.

Ouch! That is just down right unaffordable. Sorry it didn't go well at dad's house. Maybe between friends and other family like aunts and cousins you could not stay at your dad's too often. Ugh. If there is a contest for "most toxic ex husbands", yours could definitely make a run for the trophy.

[heartlikealion]

9 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Ouch! That is just down right unaffordable. Sorry it didn't go well at dad's house. Maybe between friends and other family like aunts and cousins you could not stay at your dad's too often. Ugh. If there is a contest for "most toxic ex husbands", yours could definitely make a run for the trophy.

My dad and aunt live together. I can stay with that girlfriend but she vapes in her home and I don’t do well with it. I know beggars can’t be choosers. 

Maybe something will improve but I don’t know. And my lawyer didn’t email me back yet. I’m just in limbo. 

[heartlikealion]

Just FYI, I don't qualify for legal aid because I make too much money. I don't get to claim the kids as dependents so I'm considered a one person household. Also, the legal aid for our state is for northern MS so I'm not 100% sure if they deal with people in my area. I think they do expand to my county, but the income alone would disqualify me. 

@*LC can you tell me the firm that does the free case reviews? 

[*LC]

On 1/4/2023 at 1:59 AM, *LC said:

The quick search also turned up this explanation on the website of a Mississippi law firm that seems to indicate moving long distance is a no no. The part about moving is in last paragraph. 

I do not know anything about the law firm. It just came up in a search of Mississippi custody laws. The name of the firm is Harris and they are in Greenville. They do have a phone number on their website to call for free consultation. They also have a form you can fill out and they will call you.

I hate to put random website here, but I can message it to you if you like.

 

[heartlikealion]

2 minutes ago, *LC said:

I do not know anything about the law firm. It just came up in a search of Mississippi custody laws. The name of the firm is Harris and they are in Greenville. They do have a phone number on their website to call for free consultation. They also have a form you can fill out and they will call you.

I hate to put random website here, but I can message it to you if you like.

 

I’ll message you. The only one I found doesn’t do family law. It says personal injury law. 

[heartlikealion]

I followed up on the phone with the firm that does case reviews, but they don’t service my area and I doubt they will respond to the form I submitted online asking about number of miles you can move. The person that answered the phone has no idea. 

My lawyer hasn’t gotten back to me. 

My family is pressuring me to find work closer to them. 

I don’t want that kind of pressure or the daily/weekly pressure to visit if I live closer. I am trying to protect my mental health and I’m happiest not having a lot of interactions with certain family members as we don’t see eye-to-eye. I will speak with my therapist later this week but not sure she’ll offer any feedback. Might just listen. 

[Scarlett]

22 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I followed up on the phone with the firm that does case reviews, but they don’t service my area and I doubt they will respond to the form I submitted online asking about number of miles you can move. The person that answered the phone has no idea. 

My lawyer hasn’t gotten back to me. 

My family is pressuring me to find work closer to them. 

I don’t want that kind of pressure or the daily/weekly pressure to visit if I live closer. I am trying to protect my mental health and I’m happiest not having a lot of interactions with certain family members as we don’t see eye-to-eye. I will speak with my therapist later this week but not sure she’ll offer any feedback. Might just listen. 

Heart I get the not wanting to be closer to family. But you have a big emergency on your hands here. This is about your kids.  It will be very difficult to maintain a relationship with them from 4 hours away.  

As to the legal side of it, this is just reinforcing my lack of trust in the legal system especially in family court.  It is sickening really.  Seems like the vast majority of attorneys just want the retainer then you go to the bottom of the stack and nothing really happens.  

[heartlikealion]

10 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Heart I get the not wanting to be closer to family. But you have a big emergency on your hands here. This is about your kids.  It will be very difficult to maintain a relationship with them from 4 hours away.  

As to the legal side of it, this is just reinforcing my lack of trust in the legal system especially in family court.  It is sickening really.  Seems like the vast majority of attorneys just want the retainer then you go to the bottom of the stack and nothing really happens.  

I know. And it will be hard no matter where I live because I get weekends only indefinitely. I’m not breaking my lease now so it’s weekends only. 

If I move there I will just fall into a deep depression. 

[stephanier.1765]

Is there a middle ground? Some place between where you are now and where the kids are. I guess you could use the rest of your lease to really investigate your options and hopefully a good one is out there somewhere.

[heartlikealion]

Ds only sees me when it’s mandated… so moving closer doesn’t really affect him. I see him holidays and summer. 

[heartlikealion]

Just now, stephanier.1765 said:

Is there a middle ground? Some place between where you are now and where the kids are. I guess you could use the rest of your lease to really investigate your options and hopefully a good one is out there somewhere.

I have applied to jobs that are closer in that direction but would maybe live here and just drive from the office to the drop off meeting place. At this point xh says we need to follow the settlement and meet halfway (funny, didn’t say how he made it impossible to follow the settlement in regards to my weekday time). 

[pinball]

41 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Heart I get the not wanting to be closer to family. But you have a big emergency on your hands here. This is about your kids.  It will be very difficult to maintain a relationship with them from 4 hours away.  

As to the legal side of it, this is just reinforcing my lack of trust in the legal system especially in family court.  It is sickening really.  Seems like the vast majority of attorneys just want the retainer then you go to the bottom of the stack and nothing really happens.  

You don’t see her mental health as an emergency?

So many times the advice on this board is to “put on your oxygen mask first”

why is this not one of those times?

she cannot afford to move independently at this moment to get closer to her kids. Moving in with family is not an option due to their relationships

what if you Scarlett had to move in with your brother in order to make seeing your minor child easier? Based on what you’ve said about him,  do you think maybe that would not be a good idea?

[Harriet Vane]

It comes down to:

If you give up visitation willingly you are not likely to get it back.

It is reasonable to not want to move for all the reasons you have listed.

Somewhere there has got to be a lawyer who will file something to get a change based on ex’s egregious unilateral move to deny you visitation and to change schools without discussing it with you. 

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I followed up on the phone with the firm that does case reviews, but they don’t service my area and I doubt they will respond to the form I submitted online asking about number of miles you can move. The person that answered the phone has no idea. 

My lawyer hasn’t gotten back to me. 

My family is pressuring me to find work closer to them. 

I don’t want that kind of pressure or the daily/weekly pressure to visit if I live closer. I am trying to protect my mental health and I’m happiest not having a lot of interactions with certain family members as we don’t see eye-to-eye. I will speak with my therapist later this week but not sure she’ll offer any feedback. Might just listen. 

Can you use your dads address?

[heartlikealion]

14 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Can you use your dads address?

It’s not a firm near him, either. And for actual court or face-to-face meetings it makes the most sense to have an attorney near where the case it was filed. Everything has been filed in my county. 
———-

The depression comment wasn’t just in reference to moving in with family. Just having to live in that part of the state again does not interest me. I lived there as a teen, young adult (with family) and again during my marriage (in a low-income subdivision once and another time living off xh’s student loan money/SNAP/my part time job). Even outside the district, housing options are not good. 

It won’t happen I’m sure but I really wanted for him to be forced to undo what he’s done. Move back toward me at least somewhat. But now the kids are enrolled etc. 

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I know. And it will be hard no matter where I live because I get weekends only indefinitely. I’m not breaking my lease now so it’s weekends only. 

If I move there I will just fall into a deep depression. 

Well you gotta do what you think is best.  You are important too.  But these next few years until your kids are grown will fly by.  Even if you can’t see your son much you can still be near his school and attend events and teacher meetings etc.  

[heartlikealion]

9 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well you gotta do what you think is best.  You are important too.  But these next few years until your kids are grown will fly by.  Even if you can’t see your son much you can still be near his school and attend events and teacher meetings etc.  

that is a fair point 

[Faith-manor]

3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I know. And it will be hard no matter where I live because I get weekends only indefinitely. I’m not breaking my lease now so it’s weekends only. 

If I move there I will just fall into a deep depression. 

And that isn't good. Not at all. Better to commute or ask for an amendment where you get more time at holidays, on birthdays, and in the summer where you can bring them back to your apartment, and then zoom calls each week or something. Falling into a depression is not helping the kids. I get that. Many hugs!

[Rosie_0801]

And as you said earlier, if you move there, he's just as likely to up and move elsewhere.

[heartlikealion]

3 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

And that isn't good. Not at all. Better to commute or ask for an amendment where you get more time at holidays, on birthdays, and in the summer where you can bring them back to your apartment, and then zoom calls each week or something. Falling into a depression is not helping the kids. I get that. Many hugs!

I already know we have to amend it regardless of whether I push for it as xh has already said so himself. Sadly, best I can come up with is giving me every spring break (we split Thanksgiving break and winter break) and extra summer. 

@ktgrok I did ask him this weekend what he suggested about visitation and he said he’d give me an answer Monday (today). 

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

And as you said earlier, if you move there, he's just as likely to up and move elsewhere.

Yeah I don’t know if moving near him is the equivalent of feeding a troll. I know the job market for him sucks — regardless of my job prospects. We discussed his job prospects in state many, many times. He would take a huge pay cut to stay in his field and I don’t know if his ego would agree to it. On top of that, those roles don’t come open often. 

[Faith-manor]

8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Yeah I don’t know if moving near him is the equivalent of feeding a troll. I know the job market for him sucks — regardless of my job prospects. We discussed his job prospects in state many, many times. He would take a huge pay cut to stay in his field and I don’t know if his ego would agree to it. On top of that, those roles don’t come open often. 

This is valid. If his job market is pathetic, you don't know that he will stay where he is now. He may not even stay in the state. Who knows where he will land a job! You can't just lose your apartment and your job to accommodate this move only to lose it again in the next place in order to move yet again. This is all too soon to know if he will stay put or not.

I think you are doing fine, Heart, not upsetting the apple cart for several months while you see if he manages to make a go of it in the new place.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

This is valid. If his job market is pathetic, you don't know that he will stay where he is now. He may not even stay in the state. Who knows where he will land a job! You can't just lose your apartment and your job to accommodate this move only to lose it again in the next place in order to move yet again. This is all too soon to know if he will stay put or not.

I think you are doing fine, Heart, not upsetting the apple cart for several months while you see if he manages to make a go of it in the new place.

I agree. I have said before her plan of holding tight for a bit makes sense.
 

I don’t know if he can leave the state with out a pre-approved court plan.   I mean he can but I think the consequences could be bad for him. 

[Faith-manor]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I agree. I have said before her plan of holding tight for a bit makes sense.
 

I don’t know if he can leave the state with out a pre-approved court plan.   I mean he can but I think the consequences could be bad for him. 

I agree. The consequences couod.be quite bad. This guy seems to think he can do whatever he wants so I wouldn't put it past him to try it.

[heartlikealion]

The kids leaked to me in the past that dad would have moved to TX but “wasn’t allowed” so there are probably some legal consequences. 
Seems no one can actually provide me with specific rules though 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Rosie_0801]

Or he didn't want to move to Texas, but saying it was a way to make you out to be a spoiled sport.

Who even knows with people like this?

 

((hugs))

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Or he didn't want to move to Texas, but saying it was a way to make you out to be a spoiled sport.

Who even knows with people like this?

 

((hugs))

This. If he isn't lying, check for breath sounds and a pulse.

[heartlikealion]

Well the bf and I broke up. Partly related to the inevitable obstacles with location/kids moving (he lives in opposite direction of where kids moved). We were both direct and cordial. I would have kept trying but he wasn’t able to commit as much, etc. So as far as breaks up go it wasn’t horrible. 

Now I still don’t know how the heck I’d afford to move so I’ll stay put and see if I can improve my résumé skills at all in the meantime. 

[fairfarmhand]

25 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Well the bf and I broke up. Partly related to the inevitable obstacles with location/kids moving (he lives in opposite direction of where kids moved). We were both direct and cordial. I would have kept trying but he wasn’t able to commit as much, etc. So as far as breaks up go it wasn’t horrible. 

Now I still don’t know how the heck I’d afford to move so I’ll stay put and see if I can improve my résumé skills at all in the meantime. 

Awww. I’m so sorry. 

[catz]

That's too bad, but good for you for putting yourself out there and moving on when it was time.