Updates 2023 (job hunt etc)

[heartlikealion]

Got some legal feedback. What I was looking for is called a morality clause. It's not in my papers and they were common 10 years ago but less so now. He said I would have had to specifically ask for it to include it because he normally doesn't. But even with it, it can be a pain to enforce. 

There's some vague verbiage about the best interests of the children so if I wanted to push it I could say that having a gf and her son move in is not in the best interests of the children. Then they could decide if I was reaching or if it was a valid argument. They could go down a list of factors like a non-relative boy moving in with my daughter, not enough bedrooms, etc. As of now I'll do nothing and see if she stays interested in moving. 

I don't know if the college cares or not about him letting a non married person move into faculty housing, either. I think another faculty member had a live in boyfriend, but maybe he didn't live there and just visited. So I think they might not enforce that type of thing. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

Got some legal feedback. What I was looking for is called a morality clause. It's not in my papers and they were common 10 years ago but less so now. He said I would have had to specifically ask for it to include it because he normally doesn't. But even with it, it can be a pain to enforce. 

There's some vague verbiage about the best interests of the children so if I wanted to push it I could say that having a gf and her son move in is not in the best interests of the children. Then they could decide if I was reaching or if it was a valid argument. They could go down a list of factors like a non-relative boy moving in with my daughter, not enough bedrooms, etc. As of now I'll do nothing and see if she stays interested in moving. 

I don't know if the college cares or not about him letting a non married person move into faculty housing, either. I think another faculty member had a live in boyfriend, but maybe he didn't live there and just visited. So I think they might not enforce that type of thing. 

The first thing I thought of was the girl and your son living in the same small home.  And unsupervised.  Do you know her age? I see the potential for so much to go wrong there.  
 

But as you say it might not come to pass.  

[heartlikealion]

28 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

The first thing I thought of was the girl and your son living in the same small home.  And unsupervised.  Do you know her age? I see the potential for so much to go wrong there.  
 

But as you say it might not come to pass.  

Yeah, he said she's 2 years older than him which would make her 5 years older than me. I'll turn 40 in Oct. so I'm guessing she's 45. So definitely don't think she'll want to have more kids and hopefully will be careful. 

The home has 3 bedrooms + mudroom. But even if they convert the mudroom into a bedroom, it's not really a bedroom. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea because it wasn't insulated and it was always super hot or cold (we only used it for the cat's stuff, misc storage and the deep freeze. NOT ideal as a bedroom). He claims something was fixed in the air ducts?? so it regulates temperature just fine now (yeah, right). He also claims some new updates will be done on the home like adding a half bath. Ok I'll believe it when I see it lol

I mentioned to a family member that if they ever wnat to go on a date when I have my kids, what will they do with the 12 yr old? xh is too cheap to hire a sitter so he'd probably ask ds to stay home with him (since ds has flexibility to stay there). My relative said well they better not ask you to watch the 12 yr old. Not your problem. I said yeah. 

[Wheres Toto]

Isn't it weird for him to invite you to go Trick or Treating with them more than a month before Halloween?  That seems super bizarre to me.    What's his angle there?

I'm sorry you are going through all this.  Sometimes divorce is absolutely the right decision and very very necessary but the aftermath still sucks.  

[heartlikealion]

24 minutes ago, Wheres Toto said:

Isn't it weird for him to invite you to go Trick or Treating with them more than a month before Halloween?  That seems super bizarre to me.    What's his angle there?

I'm sorry you are going through all this.  Sometimes divorce is absolutely the right decision and very very necessary but the aftermath still sucks.  

He’s a huge Halloween fan and seems to plan things sooner every year — which rattled me when we were separated and he’d bought her a costume before Oct so I didn’t have any part of it. Some years I make their costumes. That year ds’ Squid Game costume got canceled by Amazon and I ran out and bought him the best matching top/bottom I could find last minute and cheap shoes I covered in fabric paint and had a shop monogram the squid game jacket with the number. It was a surprise. He acts like the hoodie is weird to wear without the costume so he never wore again but we got a great photo of him in it and I took them to an event where we won door prizes. Ppffft I’m gonna wear it this fall myself 🤣 

My dad is coming to town this weekend to attend the grandparents’ day event at dd’s classroom Monday. I didn’t know how many grandparents you could invite so I gave xh an opportunity to invite his dad first but he can’t make it. Ex FIL is very lonely since MIL passed away in Jan. so I thought he’d really appreciate the invite. 

Oh speaking of planning hella early — a week or 2 ago he asked me about thanksgiving!! I was like what? He said if I didn’t go to my dad’s for Thanksgiving then he’d have to make 2 trips to his dad’s… once to cook and eat on turkey day with his dad and sister’s family and then go back after my Thanksgiving visit with the kids was over to pick up the kids from his house and return them to his dad’s for leftovers/second Thanksgiving meal with his dad. Not my problem lol His mom passed away so he’s taking it upon himself to prepare the turkey. He didn’t make my life easy the year my mom died Nov 1. He left town with the kids and brought them back Friday. Ass. 

My dad and I are doing what works best for us… my dad and aunt will meet me and the kids at a restaurant in a city between us. Kids love Golden Corral so aren’t disappointed. 

[Faith-manor]

You are doing great, Heart! Ignore that jackass as much as possible. You can't fix his stupid, and he can just keep the girlfriend to himself. You do you. 

Personally, I think he is a lazy ass parent. He found out it isn't all rainbows and unicorns to single parent, and now he is trolling for a woman to do his job for him. He can take the consequences for that which is likely another woman who leaves him because he is a p.o.s. Just remind the kids that if they need to share about his woman drama, they should not do that with you, and to bring it up with their counselor, their priest, a godparent, the guidance counselor at school, etc. Be nice about it, but nip it in the bud.

And again, you're doing great!!!

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Wheres Toto said:

Isn't it weird for him to invite you to go Trick or Treating with them more than a month before Halloween?  That seems super bizarre to me.    What's his angle there?

I'm sorry you are going through all this.  Sometimes divorce is absolutely the right decision and very very necessary but the aftermath still sucks.  

In a normal "healthy" co parenting relationship? Not really. I mean, people are making Halloween plans now, with Trunk or Treats and such having sign ups already, etc. It is sort of normal I'd think to take time in September to plan out what was going to happen with the kids for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years and work out how to handle it all. 

But it seems that this is not normal, or healthy, so who knows. 

[Danae]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

He’s a huge Halloween fan and seems to plan things sooner every year — which rattled me when we were separated and he’d bought her a costume before Oct so I didn’t have any part of it. Some years I make their costumes. That year ds’ Squid Game costume got canceled by Amazon and I ran out and bought him the best matching top/bottom I could find last minute and cheap shoes I covered in fabric paint and had a shop monogram the squid game jacket with the number. It was a surprise. He acts like the hoodie is weird to wear without the costume so he never wore again but we got a great photo of him in it and I took them to an event where we won door prizes. Ppffft I’m gonna wear it this fall myself 🤣 

My dad is coming to town this weekend to attend the grandparents’ day event at dd’s classroom Monday. I didn’t know how many grandparents you could invite so I gave xh an opportunity to invite his dad first but he can’t make it. Ex FIL is very lonely since MIL passed away in Jan. so I thought he’d really appreciate the invite. 

Oh speaking of planning hella early — a week or 2 ago he asked me about thanksgiving!! I was like what? He said if I didn’t go to my dad’s for Thanksgiving then he’d have to make 2 trips to his dad’s… once to cook and eat on turkey day with his dad and sister’s family and then go back after my Thanksgiving visit with the kids was over to pick up the kids from his house and return them to his dad’s for leftovers/second Thanksgiving meal with his dad. Not my problem lol His mom passed away so he’s taking it upon himself to prepare the turkey. He didn’t make my life easy the year my mom died Nov 1. He left town with the kids and brought them back Friday. Ass. 

My dad and I are doing what works best for us… my dad and aunt will meet me and the kids at a restaurant in a city between us. Kids love Golden Corral so aren’t disappointed. 

Too bad so sad for him that it’s no longer your job to arrange things for his convenience.

[heartlikealion]

55 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

In a normal "healthy" co parenting relationship? Not really. I mean, people are making Halloween plans now, with Trunk or Treats and such having sign ups already, etc. It is sort of normal I'd think to take time in September to plan out what was going to happen with the kids for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years and work out how to handle it all. 

But it seems that this is not normal, or healthy, so who knows. 

Maybe some of those holidays but maybe not all. My dad used to get mad when I'd ask him about holiday plans weeks ahead of Christmas and say, "I can't think that far ahead" so I hated to even bring up Thanksgiving to him lol. But my parents sometimes put up their Christmas tree a few days before Christmas LOL. 

[heartlikealion]

@Faith-manor I hadn’t thought of that. I don’t know if that’s cruel to the kids but it makes sense to redirect them if that time ever comes. 

[heartlikealion]

I finished and hung the portal on dd’s wall. Dd colored a little but I can’t find that crayon to fill in the guppy’s eyelids a little. She may not care. She’ll see it tonight. 

Edited September 7, 2022 by heartlikealion

[Rosie_0801]

12 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

@Faith-manor I hadn’t thought of that. I don’t know if that’s cruel to the kids but it makes sense to redirect them if that time ever comes. 

I sometimes redirected dd. Mostly I helped her process.

[heartlikealion]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I sometimes redirected dd. Mostly I helped her process.

Thanks. 

[Scarlett]

28 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

@Faith-manor I hadn’t thought of that. I don’t know if that’s cruel to the kids but it makes sense to redirect them if that time ever comes. 

I disagree. I don’t think I would ever tell my child he couldn’t tell me anything.  

[heartlikealion]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I disagree. I don’t think I would ever tell my child he couldn’t tell me anything.  

Right. I think the important thing is to monitor my responses. And perhaps if there's TMI then curtail a conversation. 

[Rosie_0801]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I disagree. I don’t think I would ever tell my child he couldn’t tell me anything.  

Even mothers are only human and there's only so much of "I'm sorry you don't like the choices you are making" and "I wish I could fix it for you, but I have absolutely no power to do so," we can handle.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Even mothers are only human and there's only so much of "I'm sorry you don't like the choices you are making" we can handle.

I don’t really understand. Who would be saying that to whom?

Edited September 8, 2022 by Scarlett

[Rosie_0801]

Just now, Scarlett said:

I don’t really understand. Who would be saying that to who?

A non-custodial parent to their child who has chosen for them to be the non-custodial parent and is trying to pretend that they shouldn't have consequences they don't like.

[maize]

The portal looks fantastic!

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

A non-custodial parent to their child who has chosen for them to be the non-custodial parent and is trying to pretend that they shouldn't have consequences they don't like.

Oh I see.  Well, I agree mothers are human too.  I think redirecting is fine….but I would not tell a child to not discuss things with me,,

[Faith-manor]

3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

@Faith-manor I hadn’t thought of that. I don’t know if that’s cruel to the kids but it makes sense to redirect them if that time ever comes. 

It isn't cruel because you can't be objective. It is actually healthier to redirect to people who can be more objective.

[Faith-manor]

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Even mothers are only human and there's only so much of "I'm sorry you don't like the choices you are making" and "I wish I could fix it for you, but I have absolutely no power to do so," we can handle.

100% this Unfortunately, we lose so much control when we are separated from the other parent, that we can't just stay on the hook for things we simply cannot do a thing about when gaining objective opinion/advice/perspective from outside the relationship can help the child cope.

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

It isn't cruel because you can't be objective. It is actually healthier to redirect to people who can be more objective.

They don’t have someone like that. Ds doesn’t like the school counselor, doesn’t have a close godparent, etc. I think cutting them off abruptly is cruel. Dd doesn’t exactly have anyone, either. I can’t be very objective but I could keep thoughts to myself and mostly listen. In theory, anyway. Let’s say a kid is upset at 6pm. It’s not practical to say hold that thought, save your thoughts and/or meltdown til X day/time. 

[heartlikealion]

I asked Xh if she had more animals (based on what I’d seen online). He said yes but he told her she could only bring the one dog. So he’s already being controlling. I’d be like no way, I’m not giving up my other animal(s). 

Dd told me that they are moving in one day… so I guess he already shared that with her. She said that the boy will get the mudroom. 
 

Are you kidding me… if I was dating a guy and he said get rid of your other dog and your kid gets the mud room I’d be gone so fast lol 

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

They don’t have someone like that. Ds doesn’t like the school counselor, doesn’t have a close godparent, etc. I think cutting them off abruptly is cruel. Dd doesn’t exactly have anyone, either. I can’t be very objective but I could keep thoughts to myself and mostly listen. In theory, anyway. Let’s say a kid is upset at 6pm. It’s not practical to say hold that thought, save your thoughts and/or meltdown til X day/time. 

I can understand that too. I just meant when possible try to redirect. It is difficult to maintain emotionally in these situations. Hugs! 

[Faith-manor]

26 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I asked Xh if she had more animals (based on what I’d seen online). He said yes but he told her she could only bring the one dog. So he’s already being controlling. I’d be like no way, I’m not giving up my other animal(s). 

Dd told me that they are moving in one day… so I guess he already shared that with her. She said that the boy will get the mudroom. 
 

Are you kidding me… if I was dating a guy and he said get rid of your other dog and your kid gets the mud room I’d be gone so fast lol 

Wow! He is such a prince! 😜.Good grief. I am just so glad you got out.

[Rosie_0801]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Oh I see.  Well, I agree mothers are human too.  I think redirecting is fine….but I would not tell a child to not discuss things with me,,

Topics I didn't want to hear about included:

Ex's health problems
His employment problems
Arguments with his wife
Problems in his intimate life 🤮

"I think your father would prefer you don't tell me these things. He's entitled to his privacy, you know."

🤮🤮🤮

[heartlikealion]

Dad told them about his intimacy problems?? That’s on dad. Poor kid lol 

Edited September 8, 2022 by heartlikealion

[Rosie_0801]

3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Dad told them about his intimacy problems?? That’s on dad. Poor kids lol 

Of course not! He's an interesting character, but not that kind of interesting!

I believe he gave the kid an exercise book to use without remembering he'd been using it as a diary.  ( 🤮 )
 

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Of course not! He's an interesting character, but not that kind of interesting!

He gave the kid an exercise book to use without remembering he'd been using it as a diary. Or that's the story I was told. ( 🤮 )
 

Oh wow lol 

[Faith-manor]

10 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Topics I didn't want to hear about included:

Ex's health problems
His employment problems
Arguments with his wife
Problems in his intimate life 🤮

"I think your father would prefer you don't tell me these things. He's entitled to his privacy, you know."

🤮🤮🤮

Oh boy! 😱😱😱

The other thing too is that it is important to help kids learn the types of things that are simply not okay to share. Privacy can be a hard topic to help children grasp the nuances.

We puke with you, Rosie! 😁

[heartlikealion]

My lawyer was supposed to send a letter to xh’s attorney today. They have a week to respond. Then we can file a motion. I’m totally preparing for it to go before a judge. That letter is more of a courtesy than anything. Like this is your final warning. It won’t be enough to stop xh from trying to move the woman & child in. The kids just stayed in TX again with her this past weekend and the lady/kid are probably visiting xh’s home this weekend again. 

This isn’t about making xh’s life hell. It’s about the children’s best interests/honoring their moral upbringing. Not only my children but let’s face it… how is this in the best interest of the lady’s child, either? To move him to a home that’s too small to give him a proper bedroom and a town with a poor school district so he’ll have to go to private school. My focus is on my kids, don’t get me wrong. But the judgement of both xh and the woman make me go 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Jaybee]

32 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

My lawyer was supposed to send a letter to xh’s attorney today. They have a week to respond. Then we can file a motion. I’m totally preparing for it to go before a judge. That letter is more of a courtesy than anything. Like this is your final warning. It won’t be enough to stop xh from trying to move the woman & child in. The kids just stayed in TX again with her this past weekend and the lady/kid are probably visiting xh’s home this weekend again. 

This isn’t about making xh’s life hell. It’s about the children’s best interests/honoring their moral upbringing. Not only my children but let’s face it… how is this in the best interest of the lady’s child, either? To move him to a home that’s too small to give him a proper bedroom and a town with a poor school district so he’ll have to go to private school. My focus is on my kids, don’t get me wrong. But the judgement of both xh and the woman make me go 🤷🏻‍♀️

It would definitely be hard to stomach. I can't get my head around putting your kids through that additional turmoil after the past couple of years that they have had. Keep your head up, Lion! ETA: I can't see that there is any way this would end well...

Edited September 24, 2022 by Jaybee

[heartlikealion]

Possibly a moot point but I did get confirmation that it’s not ok for faculty to move in outsiders. They just don’t enforce/challenge the rules. But I won’t hesitate to bring that point up to a judge if I needed to point out extra flaws with the move. Tax payers’ money/abuse of faculty housing. 

[Harriet Vane]

I'm confused. 

I agree with you that rushing headlong into cohabiting with this woman is a bad choice all around.

My confusion is that generally divorce agreements do not infringe on either party's right to have a romantic relationship. Does your divorce agreement specify otherwise? If not, I don't understand what motion you can file. 

I will readily admit I am not well versed in such things. I support your concern 100%; I just don't know what can be done.

[heartlikealion]

9 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

I'm confused. 

I agree with you that rushing headlong into cohabiting with this woman is a bad choice all around.

My confusion is that generally divorce agreements do not infringe on either party's right to have a romantic relationship. Does your divorce agreement specify otherwise? If not, I don't understand what motion you can file. 

I will readily admit I am not well versed in such things. I support your concern 100%; I just don't know what can be done.

While there isn't a morality clause in my settlement, there is a section that touches on the children's well being, education and development. We can argue that this is not in the children's best interest/their well being. It's completely up to the judge's opinion. But I'd say considering the divorce wasn't finalized til May 2022, it's kind of rash to discuss moving in people. If I wasn't living here, he might have moved in with her (impression I got). Which makes zero sense unless he was going to lean on her financially til he found work. 

[Harriet Vane]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

While there isn't a morality clause in my settlement, there is a section that touches on the children's well being, education and development. We can argue that this is not in the children's best interest/their well being. It's completely up to the judge's opinion. But I'd say considering the divorce wasn't finalized til May 2022, it's kind of rash to discuss moving in people. If I wasn't living here, he might have moved in with her (impression I got). Which makes zero sense unless he was going to lean on her financially til he found work. 

I see. Thanks for explaining. I hope the judge puts the needs of the kids first.

[heartlikealion]

Attorney sent letter today. I asked for a copy and it was well done. 

I'm 0/2 on finding a mental health professional that will evaluate for "parental alienation" or pathogenic parenting. Even though I offered materials on the topic to both.

[heartlikealion]

So I just called this guy and felt like I got scolded. He said it was not kosher for me to call him and that only lawyers should talk to him and that he only will help in court-ordered circumstances and wouldn't refer/recommend anyone else because it's such a hot button thing and people can risk losing their license. They need all parties on board blah blah blah. I said well I didn't know... I was following recommendations by a psychologist I've been following... I don't recall him saying that it needed to be court ordered etc. He explained that unless it's court ordered, usually one parent will refuse to participate or refuse to let a psychologist speak to their children. Which makes sense. I get it now. But yeesh. He talked to me like I walked in his office naked. 

[Rosie_0801]

3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Attorney sent letter today. I asked for a copy and it was well done. 

I'm 0/2 on finding a mental health professional that will evaluate for "parental alienation" or pathogenic parenting. Even though I offered materials on the topic to both.

Why do you want this?

Such a report may or may not actually reflect reality.
None of the reports we had to get ever did.

[heartlikealion]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Why do you want this?

Such a report may or may not actually reflect reality.
None of the reports we had to get ever did.

It’s complicated. I sometimes question if it will make any difference. Other times I think I will prevent further damage or overturn the current custody arrangement. 

You are right. I guess I sometimes feel like there’s no where to go but up. This is not a standard parent evaluation. This is a very specific type of evaluation that takes several sessions. Most people don’t know of it or how to do it. https://youtu.be/pI3MfThrZoU

Something dd said to me recently got in my head. The way dad is narrating an incident that happened when she was too young to remember it. I gave a more neutral telling of the story. 

She is very perceptive. She’s noticing the stonewalling dad does (described in her own words). I didn’t use the term with her. 

Ds may never see the good in me without external factors but even then it will probably only come with time and not from court orders. 

[Rosie_0801]

5 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I guess I sometimes feel like there’s no where to go but up.

I hope that's true.

[regentrude]

On 9/23/2022 at 9:13 PM, heartlikealion said:

Possibly a moot point but I did get confirmation that it’s not ok for faculty to move in outsiders. They just don’t enforce/challenge the rules. But I won’t hesitate to bring that point up to a judge if I needed to point out extra flaws with the move. Tax payers’ money/abuse of faculty housing. 

Since there are plenty of unmarried faculty couples, I have a hard time imagining the college considers a faculty member's partner an "outsider" and has rules that prohibits them from moving in. 
I would not go there with a judge.

Edited September 27, 2022 by regentrude

[heartlikealion]

48 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Since there are plenty of unmarried faculty couples, I have a hard time imagining the college considers a faculty member's partner an "outsider" and has rules that prohibits them from moving in. 
I would not go there with a judge.

Small, conservative town with limited faculty homes. There may be a couple or two but not many and believe it or not, it’s still on the books in our state that cohabitation is illegal lol no one enforces such a law of course. 

I’m just saying in theory you could argue that unmarried couples need to live off campus. If there’s an accident with someone that was not part of the original group that moved in, would the school be liable? When you move into a home you usually have to disclose household size to landlords or even hotels. IMO it’s a gray area. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

You want your ex to stop meddling in your personal life and your parenting. So why are you trying to do that to him?  It will most likely end very badly. 

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

You want your ex to stop meddling in your personal life and your parenting. So why are you trying to do that to him?  It will most likely end very badly. 

You must not be following the thread. It conflicts with their religious upbringing. If you don’t have issues with it that’s ok. But for our household there is a conflict of interest… the kids attend a private Christian school and are being raised Catholic and we’re going to send a message it’s ok to move in a significant other? Agree to disagree if you will. But I’m not out of line. 

[heartlikealion]

He agreed to raise the kids Catholic when he married me… we had a Catholic wedding. We had conversations before we dated. 

[Rosie_0801]

Judges do not care what religion you raise your kids in and do not want to interfere in such matters.

A judge will, if they are being polite, tell you that your ex is allowed to change his mind about stuff like that.

The court is a court of law, not a court of morality. 

[Faith-manor]

22 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He agreed to raise the kids Catholic when he married me… we had a Catholic wedding. We had conversations before we dated. 

Sadly, I know that you care, and the church cares, but he does not and the court will not give two figs about it. They really don't. All you can do is follow your own conscience and religious beliefs for yourself, and as the kids get older answer their questions honestly about your own beliefs and life, and then gingerly avoid those of their dad because they really do need to take that up with him. It won't go well for you to be seen bad mouthing him on matters of faith. It sucks right now. It is infuriating. But you cannot make it better, and you sure as neck can make it worse. This is the absolute sucky end of co-parenting with a self centered prick like your ex.

My sister in law had this in every way with my jackass of a brother. She kept her tongue in check, and now in adulthood, all three of her sons have very good relationships with their mom, and have nothing to do with their dad as they eventually realized what a lying bastard he really is. 

Many, many, many hugs.

[heartlikealion]

There is a clause in the agreement that my lawyer quoted in reference to our objections which are not solely moral objections. I think I explained this upthread.

The judge may or may not agree with you guys. I don’t think I’m making it worse. If he gets to move her in, so be it. I will know I tried to stop it. That’s better than nothing in my heart and mind. 

Again, feel free to disagree. These are my thoughts and not all judges think alike.