Updates 2023 (job hunt etc)

[thatfirstsip]

Pm me too

[thatfirstsip]

I don't think it's the end of the world if you can't make this library job work but I do think it's a really good option for you and I'd hate to see you miss out on it or give it up because of the issue with paying a deposit.

[heartlikealion]

24 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

Count me in, as well.   Do they take funds out of gofundme?   If so, I’d rather do it via cashapp or whatever. You can pm me.  

I looked it up today and yes, they keep a percentage. 
I do happen to have PayPal, Venmo and Cash app (three because other people I know needed me to download the last 2). 

[heartlikealion]

19 minutes ago, thatfirstsip said:

I don't think it's the end of the world if you can't make this library job work but I do think it's a really good option for you and I'd hate to see you miss out on it or give it up because of the issue with paying a deposit.

I can’t imagine my dad not helping me this close to my start date but I also don’t want to hold me breath! I am sleeping at his home tonight with the kids and asked if he read my email. He simply said, “the one about the hotels?” and I said, “yes” to which he said, “I’m sure that’s just a daily or weekly rate.” I said, “no, that’s the MONTHLY rate. It’s expensive and not that close to the library.” 

That was pretty much the end of the conversation and I didn’t want to try to press the issue more. The unit is still listed online so might not be taken. 

Waiting on a response from relative. 

[maize]

Heart, please pm me your venmo link

[Scarlett]

Same 

I think just a cash app would be best since go fund takes part of it.  

[Hen]

I'd like your venmo or paypal info, too. Pm me, please. 

[heartlikealion]

I think I sent cash app/venmo/PayPal links to those that asked. 

Alternatively if you don’t have one of those apps you can sign up as my referral and we both get a little money after you send money using the app within so many days. So you could buy a Christmas gift or something and I get a freebie passively. I think I get $10. 

[PeppermintPattie]

Please send me your venmo information, too.

[scholastica]

Pm me too, please.

[jjae3578]

Hi Heart, please send me your PayPal/Venmo link.

[dirty ethel rackham]

PM me your PayPal/Venmo link.  I want to help.

[heartlikealion]

Dd is sick (I think from the antibiotics. The dr said possible sinus infection. I did make her eat with the dose but she’s been real sensitive). 

My dad tends to monopolize time with ds when he’s here. From where I stand it’s just him preaching about health and me wondering if I need to save ds but ds said it’s ok. 

dd is annoyed with my family already lol aunt tried to talk her into drawing a pic for grandpa earlier while dd was drawing because he “does so much for her.” Dd was confused and I said they probably mean like staying here. I see these comments as guilt-trippy coming from my family. She also doesn’t feel comfortable to use the TVs (they are in common areas) because my dad says what do you learn from this and she tells me she watches stuff for entertainment. I told her don’t worry, grandpa watches football and he isn’t learning anything from that. Lol 

I made an excel spreadsheet with recent options. One is a 1 bedroom for $1100 but barely any details and the real estate agent might not get back to me today. I suspect no laundry on site. And probably a pet fee. 

The one I viewed the other day at $900 is 24 min to the library so not the best but budget wise ok. 

A new 2 bedroom was listed at $1200 but I don’t know how tight my budget would be because I don’t know what to estimate for taxes/withholdings from my checks (retirement, health ins, dental). 

I fought with my dad and he said don’t rent til you see your check. So he essentially said I need to wait til late Dec/Jan to move? He said he would pay for the extended stay and I card that’s nuts, it’s gonna be over $60/night when you factor in pet fee. Then ds piped up the cat costs too much and why do I keep her and I started to explain and my dad was like yeah rehome her and I got really angry. 

I don’t care if people think I’m stupid. I’ve had her 10 years and I’m not ditching her this close to the finish line. 

[heartlikealion]

https://www.bookonline.com/hotel/extended-stay-america-new-orleans---metairie

Unless I’m reading incorrectly, the base rate is approx $61 and the pet fee is $25/night and apparently this one charges a $10 housekeeping fee? I stayed at this chain before and I don’t think they did that housekeeping fee unless you requested extra visits. You only got one per 2 weeks. You had to bring your own bedding & towels to the counter to switch out. 

based on this, that’s ~$86-96/night?! 

No, it wouldn’t be my money but I think it’s impractical. 

Edited November 18, 2023 by heartlikealion

[heartlikealion]

The $1100/mo 1 BD does include laundry. He said it’s stacked units in the hall (no pic online) and he typically doesn’t charge a pet fee but if there are damages at move out then that’s another story. Very chill and not strict on breaking lease. You will get your deposit back if you move out with no issues after 12 months. He would need the letter from the library so I couldn’t apply til after background check cleared and it may be off market then. 

[heartlikealion]

My relative said they don’t do loans. 

My dad said if I went into it with the attitude that I’ll be there the full 12 months that’s understandable (duh!! I wouldn’t sign that kind of contract then accept an AL job etc). But I haven’t been able to get a clear cut “ok I’ll give you the money so you can secure it” yet. 

The $1100/mo home is good on paper (haven’t toured) and slightly closer to the library but I can’t really justify paying that much more per month when both locations are only 1 bedroom.

I’m still hoping to secure the $900 one just so I can throw money at my debt faster. And feel more comfortable getting a car note. If he would just hurry up and let me secure it, I could sell my W/D and pay him back part right away. 

[thatfirstsip]

How much do you think you can get for the w/d?

Is there anything for rent less than $900 with a smaller deposit, or a deposit you can pay over a few months?

[heartlikealion]

Ok I just pressed and he said no. He’s being so controlling & annoying!!! 😒

his birthday is in a few days so I feel like an ass for arguing with him but come on. 

[Heartstrings]

Is staying with your friend until you get that first paycheck an option?  I know it’s not a first choice.   
 

 

[heartlikealion]

Just now, thatfirstsip said:

How much do you think you can get for the w/d?

Is there anything for rent less than $900 with a smaller deposit, or a deposit you can pay over a few months?

I was gifted the unit from my old parish and know it ballparks $1000 for the set new. It’s a few years old now. They are not top of the line and the washer is a top loader. 

The typical 1 bedroom is more than $900 unless you live in a sketchier area. 😬

I have not come across such a thing as a payment plan for move in costs. They will just rent to whoever has the funds. 

I’m so mad my dad talks like the drug test is a factor. I’m not gonna fail it!! I even asked if any of my prescriptions would affect my results and the employee said no. 

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, Heartstrings said:

Is staying with your friend until you get that first paycheck an option?  I know it’s not a first choice.   
 

 

The commute is the issue. My car sucks. We’re gonna take it to the autoshop Monday to fix the cv joint but that’s another thing for my dad to hold over my head. 😓

With the fixed cv joint, it still acts up because the transmission is going out. Driving it round trip daily 3 hrs is not possible. 

[Heartstrings]

Just now, heartlikealion said:

The commute is the issue. My car sucks. We’re gonna take it to the autoshop Monday to fix the cv joint but that’s another thing for my dad to hold over my head. 😓

With the fixed cv joint, it still acts up because the transmission is going out. Driving it round trip daily 3 hrs is not possible. 

Ugh!   Everything always falls apart right before things better.  

[heartlikealion]

Just now, Heartstrings said:

Ugh!   Everything always falls apart right before things better.  

I was offered a last min babysitting job tonight but I said no because dd is under the weather plus ds is here. I’m just so frustrated. I did get financial help from the hive and I greatly appreciate that. I think Monday might end my unemployment but I’m not sure because the drug test and background check are pending. So I don’t know when to report the new start date. I might drag it out another week on the basis that it’s pending. 

[Heartstrings]

2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I was offered a last min babysitting job tonight but I said no because dd is under the weather plus ds is here. I’m just so frustrated. I did get financial help from the hive and I greatly appreciate that. I think Monday might end my unemployment but I’m not sure because the drug test and background check are pending. So I don’t know when to report the new start date. I might drag it out another week on the basis that it’s pending. 

I think you keep reporting until you have a week where you worked for pay, at least in Arkansas.   I don’t know about other places though.  

Edited November 19, 2023 by Heartstrings

[heartlikealion]

Just now, Heartstrings said:

I think you keep reporting until you have a week where you worked for pay, at least in Arkansas.   

There’s a gray are. The question section asks if you have a start date. And the employee I spoke to for the WIN job center said well once you list the start date it’ll kick you out of the system. So I haven’t done that. 

[thatfirstsip]

If he's willing to rent you a motel for 2 weeks until you get a paycheck, don't turn that down. With a first paycheck and your w/d money, you might just be able to squeak out a place to rent in mid December. 

Could the cat stay with your friend for a couple of weeks until you get an apartment?

[thatfirstsip]

What does your dad think you should do? What is he willing to help with financially? Would he help keep your car running if you agree to stay at your friend's for another month or so, until you have enough saved to move?

[KungFuPanda]

Is there a way you can get your cat into foster care and stay with your dad until you get a few paychecks?  Then you'll have free lodging and be able to look at available apartments with a job and some paystubs.  You'll be in a position to take something immediately when it's available and you have cash in hand.  They'll likely ask for first and last month's rent and a pet deposit.  You'll need time to gather that.  Also, with the holidays coming up I'd be emotionally prepared not to start until January. 

What are the upcoming holiday closing dates and how soon can you realistically work a full week?  The people doing the hiring seem to be dragging their feet.  I get it because they are probably understaffed and have trouble doing everything in a timely manner, but they're not going to sense your urgency or move faster because of your situation.  It's absolutely maddening, and we have been there at my house, but you have to be physically and emotionally prepared for this to take a few weeks.

I hate to agree with your dad here because he seems SOOO reluctantly supportive, but you need his help  and securing the job before signing a lease does seem like the best idea.

[heartlikealion]

39 minutes ago, thatfirstsip said:

If he's willing to rent you a motel for 2 weeks until you get a paycheck, don't turn that down. With a first paycheck and your w/d money, you might just be able to squeak out a place to rent in mid December. 

Could the cat stay with your friend for a couple of weeks until you get an apartment?

I won’t turn it down exactly but I’d rather bypass the extended stay completely. I’ll feel in debt to him for the ~$86/night rate. I won’t burden my friend with my cat. For one, her dog is vicious toward cats and there is always a chance of a mishap. Two, she’s pregnant and I’d rather her not scooping a litter box.

If the library pays once a month and I start Nov 27, I will have either a partial pay period check mid Dec or no check at all. That won’t be enough to cover everything. And I won’t sell the W/D unless I’ve secured a unit that comes with one. So I really can’t sell them yet. The longer I stall on moving, the longer I pay on the current storage unit. 

Everything feels messy. I get maybe I should be patient but I’ve literally lived in 2 hotels, my dad’s home, a room rental and my gf’s room since July. My mental health is like “ENOUGH. I want my own place and I don’t want to spend Christmas in a hotel room.” 

Of course, I’ll do whatever I have to do. Because I have no choice. 

[heartlikealion]

35 minutes ago, thatfirstsip said:

What does your dad think you should do? What is he willing to help with financially? Would he help keep your car running if you agree to stay at your friend's for another month or so, until you have enough saved to move?

apparently he thinks I should run up a huge extended stay bill and he’ll pay it because he knows best 🙄 Then later it will be thrown in my face. 

I absolutely will not drive 3 hrs a day to the library. That’s what it would be if I commuted from my friend’s. Also, her family is anticipating me moving out soon and their home is full. She has 3 kids, is pregnant, has pets, and her bf (it’s his house) and occasionally his kids are there. 

12 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

Is there a way you can get your cat into foster care and stay with your dad until you get a few paychecks?  Then you'll have free lodging and be able to look at available apartments with a job and some paystubs.  You'll be in a position to take something immediately when it's available and you have cash in hand.  They'll likely ask for first and last month's rent and a pet deposit.  You'll need time to gather that.  Also, with the holidays coming up I'd be emotionally prepared not to start until January. 

What are the upcoming holiday closing dates and how soon can you realistically work a full week?  The people doing the hiring seem to be dragging their feet.  I get it because they are probably understaffed and have trouble doing everything in a timely manner, but they're not going to sense your urgency or move faster because of your situation.  It's absolutely maddening, and we have been there at my house, but you have to be physically and emotionally prepared for this to take a few weeks.

I hate to agree with your dad here because he seems SOOO reluctantly supportive, but you need his help  and securing the job before signing a lease does seem like the best idea.

Foster care - nope. Requires the cat can get along with others. She can’t. Proven by the cat fights at the last place. Also requires updated rabies shot which would cost me a $200 vet fee. I have no concern she has rabies but they require the shots. I looked into this months ago and the person that fosters said my cat would not be a good candidate for fostering. 

Stay with my dad - his house is even further from NOLA than my friend’s and I do not want to stay with him for months or commute 3 hrs daily. The library closes at 7 pm some days. 

One paystub may take a month. A few checks could take several. 

They hired others recently and 4 of us start on Nov 27. I do have a job. I do have a start date.

[thatfirstsip]

Realistically, it looks like your options are:

1. Stay at extended stay hotel for a month or two, if your dad is willing to pay for it. 

2. Stay with your friend for a month or two (or your dad) and make the drive.

3. Sell the w/d and just be okay with going to a laundromat once a week if you end up in a unit without w/d. This may mean you can get out of the extend stay or your friend's house a couple weeks sooner.

4. Any other possibilities here? There are some fairly extreme options, like living in your car or a shelter for the first few weeks, except for the weekends when you have the kids. 

[heartlikealion]

Just now, thatfirstsip said:

Realistically, it looks like your options are:

1. Stay at extended stay hotel for a month or two, if your dad is willing to pay for it. 

2. Stay with your friend for a month or two (or your dad) and make the drive.

3. Sell the w/d and just be okay with going to a laundromat once a week if you end up in a unit without w/d. This may mean you can get out of the extend stay or your friend's house a couple weeks sooner.

4. Any other possibilities here? There are some fairly extreme options, like living in your car or a shelter for the first few weeks, except for the weekends when you have the kids. 

I know he says he’ll pay for the extended stay, but literally a week ago he was saying he needs to pay for this new roof and I’m thinking ok you want to pay for the cv joint and extended stay but not just give me the money for deposit?? I feel like this will bite me in the ass later. My parents are notorious for guilt trips! Oh you don’t have to pay it back but we’ll remind you of all the money we gave you. So then I’ll feel in debt forever. And in a few weeks we’ll have to contact my lawyer to adjust the visitation so that’s another bill. I just don’t want to go deeper into this power dynamic with my dad. “What? You don’t want to visit? After all I’ve done for you??” I hope for some this makes sense. He stresses me out. But if I got a NOLA roommate I’d need to commit 6 months and I’m sure there would be issues having the kids visit. 

I’m trying very hard to rely less and less on my dad but life is making that hard. 

And I glanced at Air BNB options but they are expensive and max you can reserve is a month. I’ll contact the library Monday and ask how often they pay. 

[thatfirstsip]

Sure, I get that. Option one comes with some serious annoyance. Either that rules it out for you and you're down to option 2 or 4, or it's just something you decide to put up with for now and get therapy for later. 

If you do option 1, I'd definitely try to pin him down on how long he'd pay for the extended stay. I wouldn't want you to get stuck there with no paycheck yet and him unwilling to pay for it, etc.

[KungFuPanda]

I missed that you have a start date!  That's great news.  That's next week! (I'm pretending it's tomorrow.) I hope you love it.

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, thatfirstsip said:

Sure, I get that. Option one comes with some serious annoyance. Either that rules it out for you and you're down to option 2 or 4, or it's just something you decide to put up with for now and get therapy for later. 

If you do option 1, I'd definitely try to pin him down on how long he'd pay for the extended stay. I wouldn't want you to get stuck there with no paycheck yet and him unwilling to pay for it, etc.

I’ll stay in the extended stay but in my mind that means losing the $900 unit and potentially getting stuck with a $1100 unit which means when I do get checks I’ll be putting $200/mo toward rent that could have gone toward debt. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don’t know if I can get a straight answer to that. But I do know it wouldn’t be just a couple weeks. I imagine my first full size check won’t arrive til like mid Jan. Just a hunch. 

[heartlikealion]

Time to make BFFs at work — can I stay at your place for a month or two?? 🥺

😆

[cjzimmer1]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

 

Foster care - nope. Requires the cat can get along with others. She can’t. Proven by the cat fights at the last place. Also requires updated rabies shot which would cost me a $200 vet fee. I have no concern she has rabies but they require the shots. I looked into this months ago and the person that fosters said my cat would not be a good candidate for fostering. 

 

Do you have any low cost clinics around you?  We have two lost cost clinics here and rabies shots are only about $20 with no exam fee.  There are also several groups that sponsor low or no costs vaccine clinics that are offered a few times a year.  These are typically on Saturday and on a first come first serve basis.  I've also seen them at some Humane societies.  Just thought I'd throw it out there because they aren't things that are widely publicized around here and most people don't know unless they specifically hunt for them.

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, cjzimmer1 said:

Do you have any low cost clinics around you?  We have two lost cost clinics here and rabies shots are only about $20 with no exam fee.  There are also several groups that sponsor low or no costs vaccine clinics that are offered a few times a year.  These are typically on Saturday and on a first come first serve basis.  I've also seen them at some Humane societies.  Just thought I'd throw it out there because they aren't things that are widely publicized around here and most people don't know unless they specifically hunt for them.

The price is only one reason I avoid her vaccines. She’s kinda small and they don’t adjust the vaccine dose based on weight so it takes a huge toll on her. I confirmed this with the last vet when she got shots. She wasn’t herself for days. 

I don’t know about the clinic rates but my ex worked at the humane society before and may know. 

[cjzimmer1]

2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

The price is only one reason I avoid her vaccines. She’s kinda small and they don’t adjust the vaccine dose based on weight so it takes a huge toll on her. I confirmed this with the last vet when she got shots. She wasn’t herself for days. 

I don’t know about the clinic rates but my ex worked at the humane society before and may know. 

Totally understandable!  I know my sister's vet also told her to stop some of the vaccines for some  of her older animals who never went outside because the stress from the vaccine was higher than their risk of contracting whatever it was (sorry I don't remember if rabies was one of them or not), so you are not completely out of line for being wary about it.  You just have so many obstacles I was hoping that maybe that would be an easy way to get over one of them but that is not the case.  

[heartlikealion]

My dad is saying if I get a letter from the library he’d go with me to view places and do the deposit. I am irritated because now it feels as though any place I looked at without him doesn’t have his approval. I said do you want to go because you just want to go or because you want to physically write the check (vs transferring the money to me). He said, “well it’s my money.” I told him I hate this control dynamic and that’s why I don’t go grocery shopping with him as he’ll determine what’s suitable to go into the grocery cart. 

I just don’t know how to get along with him. That’s a bigger reason than my cat for not living with him. My nosy aunt came to this conclusion that my son is constipated and told my dad. He asked ds and ds said no. Now my dad is saying my kids are constipated if they have a bowel movement once a day or every other day. I said isn’t that pretty normal? He said you should have one after every meal. I said well then I’d rather be deemed constipated! Next he points out my son was coughing and he wanted permission to give him colloidal silver (which I tried for my cough weeks ago and seemingly did nothing). I said yes you may offer it but not pressure him to take it. 

Can you imagine going to someone’s house and worrying they are talking about your bowel movements?! Butt out!!! No pun intended. 
 

(anyone else get Gilmore Girls vibes? Annoying parents control the money) 

Edited November 19, 2023 by heartlikealion

[Heartstrings]

It would suck, but I think you should just go tour apartments with him and let  him pay the deposit.  It’ll be the option that get you out from under his thumb the quickest.  Just grin and bear it.   

[heartlikealion]

Just now, Heartstrings said:

It would suck, but I think you should just go tour apartments with him and let  him pay the deposit.  It’ll be the option that get you out from under his thumb the quickest.  Just grin and bear it.   

Yeah I’ll have to. 
 

And I’m aware there’s a chance the library can say oops the background check is still not done so come back in Dec. And no letter for a couple more weeks. 

[Scarlett]

18 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

The price is only one reason I avoid her vaccines. She’s kinda small and they don’t adjust the vaccine dose based on weight so it takes a huge toll on her. I confirmed this with the last vet when she got shots. She wasn’t herself for days. 

I don’t know about the clinic rates but my ex worked at the humane society before and may know. 

Cats rarely get rabies. I would not  worry about getting her vaccinated.  

[heartlikealion]

12 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Cats rarely get rabies. I would not  worry about getting her vaccinated.  

I was told she’d need all shots up-to-date to foster. That’s the only reason I even thought about it. She’s indoors only. 

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I was told she’d need all shots up-to-date to foster. That’s the only reason I even thought about it. She’s indoors only. 

 Right.  But you don’t really want to do that anyway right?

[heartlikealion]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 Right.  But you don’t really want to do that anyway right?

Yes exactly. I was just explaining because every so many weeks someone suggests I foster her lol 

[maize]

2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

My dad is saying if I get a letter from the library he’d go with me to view places and do the deposit. I am irritated because now it feels as though any place I looked at without him doesn’t have his approval. I said do you want to go because you just want to go or because you want to physically write the check (vs transferring the money to me). He said, “well it’s my money.” I told him I hate this control dynamic and that’s why I don’t go grocery shopping with him as he’ll determine what’s suitable to go into the grocery cart. 

I just don’t know how to get along with him. That’s a bigger reason than my cat for not living with him. My nosy aunt came to this conclusion that my son is constipated and told my dad. He asked ds and ds said no. Now my dad is saying my kids are constipated if they have a bowel movement once a day or every other day. I said isn’t that pretty normal? He said you should have one after every meal. I said well then I’d rather be deemed constipated! Next he points out my son was coughing and he wanted permission to give him colloidal silver (which I tried for my cough weeks ago and seemingly did nothing). I said yes you may offer it but not pressure him to take it. 

Can you imagine going to someone’s house and worrying they are talking about your bowel movements?! Butt out!!! No pun intended. 
 

(anyone else get Gilmore Girls vibes? Annoying parents control the money) 

The constipation stuff is annoying and really not appropriate. 

Him wanting to view apartments with you before spending his money doesn't seem that unreasonable to me. It is his money not yours, controlling where that money gets spent (whether as a loan or gift) is not unreasonable to my mind. I can see how it can feel like him controlling you because you are in such a tight spot and really need his help, but he really doesn't have to spend his money in this way at all. 

You've come from a controlling marriage so I can understand how anything that feels like control could set off defensive alarms.

[heartlikealion]

13 minutes ago, maize said:

The constipation stuff is annoying and really not appropriate. 

Him wanting to view apartments with you before spending his money doesn't seem that unreasonable to me. It is his money not yours, controlling where that money gets spent (whether as a loan or gift) is not unreasonable to my mind. I can see how it can feel like him controlling you because you are in such a tight spot and really need his help, but he really doesn't have to spend his money in this way at all. 

You've come from a controlling marriage so I can understand how anything that feels like control could set off defensive alarms.

I think it’s the age. I’m not 20 years old. And we can’t even always agree on what seems safe or unsafe so the notion that he wants to check out the neighborhood (like to see if it feels safe) doesn’t really mean much to me. 

At what age does a person loan money without being in the store with you? He also follows me to the gas station if he gets gas for me. He won’t use the pump payment option because of skimmers so he parks, comes to my pump, goes inside with his cc, then back to the pump. It’s a whole thing. 

It makes me feel like a kid. And yes, I know I’m his kid. 

[Terabith]

I just got Venmo.  Would you pm me your info and I will see if I can figure out how to actually use it?

 I’m so sorry for all this. It seems ridiculous. And your dad is a jerk. 

[maize]

6 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I think it’s the age. I’m not 20 years old. And we can’t even always agree on what seems safe or unsafe so the notion that he wants to check out the neighborhood (like to see if it feels safe) doesn’t really mean much to me. 

At what age does a person loan money without being in the store with you? He also follows me to the gas station if he gets gas for me. He won’t use the pump payment option because of skimmers so he parks, comes to my pump, goes inside with his cc, then back to the pump. It’s a whole thing. 

It makes me feel like a kid. And yes, I know I’m his kid. 

Thing is, for him to ignore his anxieties and concerns when spending his own money because you don't agree with them...well, that almost feels like it would require him to let himself be controlled by you. To me it feels like--it's his money, he needs to be comfortable with the manner in which it gets spent. He is clearly a high anxiety person, and no those anxieties aren't all rational. But...he can make his own choices about what to do with what belongs to him.

And yes, I'd be feeling frustrated in your shoes as well. Most of all frustrated with the entire situation that has you stuck needing help from him and having to put up with the limits he is comfortable with.