JAWM Disgusted by the Victim Blaming and Shaming

[Soror]

Yet another case.... hs teacher sent inappropriate messages to a girl. It started at once someone posted her name publicly so everyone would know who was involved. Then came the accusations that it was her fault. She came onto him. MIL came down and was saying how it is just as much the girl's fault as his. She wasn't even pretty. She was "big". (The implication of course that he wouldn't want to pursue her).  I told her flat out, no this is not equal responsibility, he is the one in the position of power. Doesn't matter even if she did come onto him, he should have reported that (she needed help). It was his responsibility to make sure he was never alone with her or sent her any private communication. Then on and on about how he was such a nice guy to all the girls and helped them (girl's coach).  She had family troubles. I told her you know predators target girls with family problems, that's how grooming works. [[[[[ What I wanted to say was nice guys don't send d*k pics. Nice guys would be horrified that a teenage girl is coming onto them (if that happened)]]]]]]] It is all so predictable. 

Now the teacher involved committed suicide. Another teacher was walked out of the school, no word yet on the accusations there.

[Carrie12345]

My sister did have multiple young students coming on to her as a substitute teacher.

She did not accidentally send pornography to a single one.

Edit to add: realizing that might not have come off right. She didn’t intentionally do that, either. She was an adult with no urges to be involved with minors.

Edited April 3, 2022 by Carrie12345

[Melissa Louise]

Hope the girl has support. 

Your MIL - no words. 

[Faith-manor]

😠😠😠 So sick of people excusing abusers, and pummeling victims.

Don't send d$ck pics and don't pursue teenage girls are NOT difficult things for grown males to understand. Apologists for such behavior need to shut up.

[Pam in CT]

1 hour ago, Soror said:

 nice guys don't send d*k pics

to high school girls

 

That is the whole of the issue; all else is commentary. 

[BusyMom5]

Oh, no- what a bad situation for everyone.  This will ruin her life, too.  I hope she's getting support.  

And agree- nice guys don't send d*ck pics.   (Do women or girls ever really want to see them????  I have never understood why this would be considered a selling point.   Yes, you have one, but a pic doesn't tell me if you know you to use it properly!  Lol)

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

😠😠😠 So sick of people excusing abusers, and pummeling victims.

Don't send d$ck pics and don't pursue teenage girls are NOT difficult things for grown males to understand. Apologists for such behavior need to shut up.

Seriously!!!! Like, this is NOT HARD. It is NOT CONFUSING!

 

Edited April 3, 2022 by ktgrok

[Tanaqui]

Quote

 

Then on and on about how he was such a nice guy to all the girls and helped them (girl's coach). 

 

I sure hope all those girls are getting therapy now, and not just the one we know he hurt. Because what are the odds he only hurt one girl?

[Faith-manor]

19 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

I have never understood why this would be considered a selling point.   Yes, you have one, but a pic doesn't tell me if you know you to use it properly!  Lol)

😂😂😂😂😂

[Grace Hopper]

39 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Seriously!!!! Like, this is NOT HARD…

 

Well considering the context….😂😂😂

[eta sorry to make this a laughing matter - this was just low hanging fruit - I thoroughly agree with Pam in CT upthread]

Edited April 4, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Catwoman]

14 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Well considering the context….😂😂😂

[eta sorry to make this a laughing matter - this was just low hanging fruit - I thoroughly agree with Pam in CT upthread]

😂  I am so glad I am not the only person who thought of that! (But you get the credit because you had the nerve to post about it!) 

[Emba]

3 hours ago, Soror said:

Then on and on about how he was such a nice guy to all the girls and helped them (girl's coach). 

Yeah, I’ve seen too many coaches and a band director be revealed as predators to feel like that removes him from the pool of suspicious people AT ALL. And the more time outside of school hours and regularly scheduled practices that the teacher/coach/whatever spends “helping” students, the worse.

a sad commentary on the world  we live in, but there it is.

 

[Clarita]

7 hours ago, Soror said:

What I wanted to say was nice guys don't send d*k pics. Nice guys would be horrified that a teenage girl is coming onto them (if that happened)

You are so much more tactful than me. That's probably what I would have said.

[Ausmumof3]

6 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

Well considering the context….😂😂😂

[eta sorry to make this a laughing matter - this was just low hanging fruit - I thoroughly agree with Pam in CT upthread]

My first thought… 😂😂😂

[Guest]

11 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

😠😠😠 So sick of people excusing abusers, and pummeling victims.

Don't send d$ck pics and don't pursue teenage girls are NOT difficult things for grown males to understand. Apologists for such behavior need to shut up.

As my sister said about a similar event: “It don’t matter if she danced naked on your desk; you can’t pursue a relationship with a minor.” 

[wintermom]

Very sad situation for all involved. Why is real life so messy? 

Sometimes people far removed from a particular situation jump to a conclusion and make a comment without knowing anything about the circumstances. They need to learn to think before speaking. 

I'm not even going to comment further about the teacher and student. It just hurts my heart too much. 

[SKL]

Yeah I don't care if she came on to him or not.  It isn't uncommon at all for teens to have fantasies about their teachers and sometimes try to act on them.  The teacher has to be the adult.  I agree, it's not a difficult concept.  The teacher who fails to respect boundaries is at fault.

I'm sorry about the suicide, especially since this will cause more pain for the true victim.  Wish there was a way to shelter her.  😞

[catz]

My 21 year old college junior is touring with a group that does workshops for middle school and high school students most weekends.  Each of them typically gets assigned 3-4 students to work with (they're all working as a big group in a large space, there is no one on one with this set up).  Well a couple weekends ago one of the girls in his group expressed she had a crush on him.  Which I found hysterical.  🤣   But he had the sense to have her moved to another group immediately.  It's not rocket science.  Teens have hormones.  Someone needs to be the adult, it makes sense for it to be the actual ADULT in the room.  

This is a very sad situation.  But no one should be blaming the literal child, I hope she's getting appropriate help.

[ktgrok]

22 minutes ago, SKL said:

Yeah I don't care if she came on to him or not.  It isn't uncommon at all for teens to have fantasies about their teachers and sometimes try to act on them.  The teacher has to be the adult.  I agree, it's not a difficult concept.  The teacher who fails to respect boundaries is at fault.

I'm sorry about the suicide, especially since this will cause more pain for the true victim.  Wish there was a way to shelter her.  😞

Yup. I had a HUGE crush on my 9th grade world history teacher! He was young, in his twenties, and SO cute. He was also from Boston, and as a Florida girl I thought his accent was so sexy. Oh, and he was the baseball coach, so athletic. And a rebel - he told us how much he hated having to wear a tie, and when another kid tried to rat me out for a dress code violation (my shirt didn't have a full collar) he pretended to send me to the office for a demerit but instead wrote on the hall pass, "just walk around for 10 minutes and come back". I mean, what freshman girl isn't going to fall in love, lol?

But, he was professional, and an adult, and of course probaby knew half of us had crushes, and was never alone, or stood too close, with any of us. Cause, he was a grown up. Duh!

But then, look at the song by the Police, Don't Stand So Close to Me - that one totally glamorizes it. (and I would think of that history teacher of mine whenever I heard it, lol)

[Faith-manor]

7 hours ago, Quill said:

As my sister said about a similar event: “It don’t matter if she danced naked on your desk; you can’t pursue a relationship with a minor.” 

This should be a billboard! 

[lmrich]

7 hours ago, Quill said:

As my sister said about a similar event: “It don’t matter if she danced naked on your desk; you can’t pursue a relationship with a minor.” 

NOR can you groom them as minors and then pounce as soon as they turn 18 - calling out our youth pastor!

[Faith-manor]

2 hours ago, ktgrok said:

Yup. I had a HUGE crush on my 9th grade world history teacher! He was young, in his twenties, and SO cute. He was also from Boston, and as a Florida girl I thought his accent was so sexy. Oh, and he was the baseball coach, so athletic. And a rebel - he told us how much he hated having to wear a tie, and when another kid tried to rat me out for a dress code violation (my shirt didn't have a full collar) he pretended to send me to the office for a demerit but instead wrote on the hall pass, "just walk around for 10 minutes and come back". I mean, what freshman girl isn't going to fall in love, lol?

But, he was professional, and an adult, and of course probaby knew half of us had crushes, and was never alone, or stood too close, with any of us. Cause, he was a grown up. Duh!

But then, look at the song by the Police, Don't Stand So Close to Me - that one totally glamorizes it. (and I would think of that history teacher of mine whenever I heard it, lol)

Yes was just thinking about the woodworking and shop teacher at our high school. Mr. L. I never took one of his classes. But oy! Man did the girls fawn over him. If you have ever seen Matt Bromer on the tv show White Collar then you have seen the basic model of Mr. l. And he dressed smart! When it got to the place that he was concerned with just how hard a couple of girls were coming on to him, he went to the administration. They told him they would hire a teacher's aide so he would never have to be alone with students, but that he needed to " ugly up". 🙄 Seriously stupid school principal, call the girls and their parents into your office, have the school psychologist have a talk with them, tell them what the penalty is going to be for crossing the line. Don't tell a someone to "ugly up". Poor man did it. Started wearing ugly clothes and shoes, let his hair get scruffy, you name it. He took a contract at a different district the following year after only one year with ours. He was a very good teacher so it was a loss for the district. He was always a professional.

There are some real gross ones out there. Dh's high school choir teacher fresh out of college, decided he had a thing for the choir accompanist (he was 23, and she was 16). He secretly dated her for two years, and some how managed to not be seen (so my guess is she lied to her parents a lot, and this was pre-internet and everybody has a cell phone so since it was a big city with lots of places to go and not be seen by locals, he was successful keeping it on the down low though the entire choir mumbled about it. She graduated, and they eloped three days after commencement. The administration did nothing. He and his fellow students/graduates had issues with it!

Our culture is so messed about this stuff. Mary K LaTourneau comes to mind. How hard is it for adults to grasp "Don't have sex with kids", " Be a professional"? And as a caregiver, which teachers are a version of, how on earth does one even go there in their minds? These are your students, children entrusted to your care. Depraved is what it is! 

Edited April 4, 2022 by Faith-manor

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, ktgrok said:

Yup. I had a HUGE crush on my 9th grade world history teacher! He was young, in his twenties, and SO cute. He was also from Boston, and as a Florida girl I thought his accent was so sexy. Oh, and he was the baseball coach, so athletic. And a rebel - he told us how much he hated having to wear a tie, and when another kid tried to rat me out for a dress code violation (my shirt didn't have a full collar) he pretended to send me to the office for a demerit but instead wrote on the hall pass, "just walk around for 10 minutes and come back". I mean, what freshman girl isn't going to fall in love, lol?

But, he was professional, and an adult, and of course probaby knew half of us had crushes, and was never alone, or stood too close, with any of us. Cause, he was a grown up. Duh!

But then, look at the song by the Police, Don't Stand So Close to Me - that one totally glamorizes it. (and I would think of that history teacher of mine whenever I heard it, lol)

My mom is the one who had a crush on my 7th grade math teacher. 🙄 It resulted in her smiling and nodding at his every word and me never getting the help I needed when I was seriously struggling through his class. I imagine she had crushes on lots of teachers over the years.