Discouraged about going back to work after years as SAHM

[AnniePoo]

I have been a longtime lurker here from my homeschool days but really need some encouragement. I’ve been a SAHM for almost 16 years (homeschooling for a chunk in there) and started grad school last fall. While I love grad school (the learning portion at least) I am feeling so discouraged as the token old person. I’m 39. Not crazy old. The next older person in my cohort is 27. So it’s me, a 27yo, and a bunch of 22yos. I thought I’d be the cool old lady but nobody seems to want much to do with me. 

I need an internship to graduate. I applied to one this year and will apply to many more next year. Just got the rejection. I know job rejections are to be expected but I can’t help but feel ridiculous competing against a bunch of 22yos for these limited spots in a position typically held by young people.

I am just feeling so discouraged and uncomfortable trying to navigate this all as an “old” woman with a huge gap in my resume. There is literally no one I know IRL who can relate to this.

I could really use some commiseration or hope that things might work out favorably for me. I feel like a joke right now and the thought of having to do more internship interviews at my age feels so discouraging. And this isn’t even considering my interviews for entry-level positions in a couple years.

 

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, AnniePoo said:

I have been a longtime lurker here from my homeschool days but really need some encouragement. I’ve been a SAHM for almost 16 years (homeschooling for a chunk in there) and started grad school last fall. While I love grad school (the learning portion at least) I am feeling so discouraged as the token old person. I’m 39. Not crazy old. The next older person in my cohort is 27. So it’s me, a 27yo, and a bunch of 22yos. I thought I’d be the cool old lady but nobody seems to want much to do with me. 

I need an internship to graduate. I applied to one this year and will apply to many more next year. Just got the rejection. I know job rejections are to be expected but I can’t help but feel ridiculous competing against a bunch of 22yos for these limited spots in a position typically held by young people.

I am just feeling so discouraged and uncomfortable trying to navigate this all as an “old” woman with a huge gap in my resume. There is literally no one I know IRL who can relate to this.

I could really use some commiseration or hope that things might work out favorably for me. I feel like a joke right now and the thought of having to do more internship interviews at my age feels so discouraging. And this isn’t even considering my interviews for entry-level positions in a couple years.

 

39 is very young.  Maybe @Quill will weigh in since she had trouble breaking back into the field she was in before kids.

[Sneezyone]

On 3/31/2022 at 7:13 PM, AnniePoo said:

I have been a longtime lurker here from my homeschool days but really need some encouragement. I’ve been a SAHM for almost 16 years (homeschooling for a chunk in there) and started grad school last fall. While I love grad school (the learning portion at least) I am feeling so discouraged as the token old person. I’m 39. Not crazy old. The next older person in my cohort is 27. So it’s me, a 27yo, and a bunch of 22yos. I thought I’d be the cool old lady but nobody seems to want much to do with me. 

I need an internship to graduate. I applied to one this year and will apply to many more next year. Just got the rejection. I know job rejections are to be expected but I can’t help but feel ridiculous competing against a bunch of 22yos for these limited spots in a position typically held by young people.

I am just feeling so discouraged and uncomfortable trying to navigate this all as an “old” woman with a huge gap in my resume. There is literally no one I know IRL who can relate to this.

I could really use some commiseration or hope that things might work out favorably for me. I feel like a joke right now and the thought of having to do more internship interviews at my age feels so discouraging. And this isn’t even considering my interviews for entry-level positions in a couple years.

 

If you haven’t considered non-traditional outlets (e.g. creating your own internship) like non-profits, look there. They desperately need talented people.

Edited April 4, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Frances]

 

I’m guessing you have lots of life experience you can bring to the program, internships, and future jobs that most 22 year olds lack. I would focus on connecting with one or two classmates and keep applying for internships. Focus on what you can bring to the table, not what you lack. Try to project self confidence and see where you can add value and use your age and life experiences to your advantage.

I admit I’m intrigued as to what your field is where youth would supposedly be such an advantage.

Edited April 1, 2022 by Frances

[katilac]

If you can share what field you're in, people might have some specific advice. 

[Katy]

My grandmother retired, went back to school, and ended up running her state’s branch of a national nonprofit. And I know a lot of people who had no patience for school due to a chaotic home life, joined the military, some served for 20 years, and are only now going back for either college or grad school. And I have three brothers in law (spread over both my family and DH’s) that are now going back for college or grad school in a mid career pivot. It’s absolutely doable, common, and without knowing what field you’re in sometimes people who are neurological adults with responsibilities are considered much stronger candidates than 22 year olds when it comes to real jobs. 

Edited March 31, 2022 by Katy
Autocorrect

[kristin0713]

Being older can be seen as an advantage as you won’t be quitting to start a family. I’m also curious as to what field you’re in. 

[maize]

I understand how you feel completely!

I'm still homeschooling so not looking for full-time employment at this point but I am dipping a toe in part time to build up a work resume and reference pool. I'd like to have the option of going back full-time should the need or desire arise.

My state recently set up a state-level "returnship" program targeted at training and job placement for people (mostly moms!) who have been out of the workforce. It's a model that I hope will catch on elsewhere. It was championed by our lieutenant governor, who was an at-home mom for 13 years.

[AmandaVT]

I'm just about to graduate from grad school (did my orals yesterday!)- I started at 42, 3 years ago. Happy to support in any way!! 

[Arcadia]

25 minutes ago, kristin0713 said:

Being older can be seen as an advantage as you won’t be quitting to start a family. I’m also curious as to what field you’re in. 

Employers are usually happy because they don’t need to worry about maternity leave and childcare. My husband’s paternity leave is much shorter than my maternity leave after all. 

[Frances]

1 minute ago, Arcadia said:

Employers are usually happy because they don’t need to worry about maternity leave and childcare. My husband’s paternity leave is much shorter than my maternity leave after all. 

Interesting. I’ve never heard of a place with different maternity/paternity leave policies. I’m not doubting you, just interesting to hear it’s a thing.

[madteaparty]

I have sympathy and not a great solution. Everyone I work with including my bosses are younger than me. I was trying to illustrate a provision  and mentioned Lehman recently and the room went quiet. I told the story to my husband who reminded me these people were not in law school yet never mind working when Lehman happened. They had no clue what I was talking about. Every single day I see the exact cost of having mommytracked myself. I mean daily. 
On the other hand. I have really good kids and I got to do that the way I wanted. It’s not nothing. 
All I can say is, you’re not alone. And most days I can laugh at myself. But some days you cry and that’s that. The thing is, I am at a very prestigious firm now. I did not look for the job, they called me. And every day I put up with it I learn and sort of fit in more. You just have to live with the discomfort and rejection for a bit. I’ve practice being “the other” and while it does take some energy, it gets better. It does. 

Edited April 1, 2022 by madteaparty

[Arcadia]

7 minutes ago, Frances said:

Interesting. I’ve never heard of a place with different maternity/paternity leave policies. I’m not doubting you, just interesting to hear it’s a thing.

My husband gets a week paid leave. His female colleagues in the same company, same location, get a month paid leave. One of the companies I worked for gave two months paid leave. These are paid by the employer and not the state’s Paid Family Leave program.

[Carol in Cal.]

There are lots of programs for women who used to be in tech to return to it via internships, and if you resemble that I can post some links.  Ageism and sexism are alive and well all over, but the worker shortage has reduced them and made finding jobs and launching a career later in life much easier than it would have been 20 years ago.  Don’t worry too much about this, if you can help it.  It’s a new world now.  

[2squared]

I’m a hiring manager, and I like hiring older and younger employees. I can easily find benefits to both, and I really enjoy having a people with a variety of background experiences on my team. You might need to go through a bunch of interviews to find the right fit, but I think that’s pretty typical regardless of age. 
 

With the labor shortage, I’m desperate for good people!

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

39 is very young.  Maybe @Quill will weigh in since she had trouble breaking back into the field she was in before kids.

I will speak to this in an hour or two. Gotta go drive through a tornado to get ds from work…🧐

[AnniePoo]

Sadly, there are no returnships in my area. I’m in a mid-size city and it’s just not large enough for that. My undergrad was perfect for that. I realized that to get back in the field I’d need to go back to school and since I didn’t love my original field, I switched to something else. Feel free to pm me if you want to know exactly what I’m studying. It’s a subset of statistics. 
 

You don’t need to be young to get a position in this field, but, at least around here, the universities to offer this degree didn’t start until recently. So, when I interviewed, my three interviewers were likely late 20’s at the oldest. 
 

really I’m just feeling discouraged and insecure. It’s hard to put yourself out there repeatedly in an uncomfortable situation and it’s just catching up with me tonight. Normally I’m very proud of my life path. Most likely it’ll all work out just fine but right now I’m just feeling sad

[AnniePoo]

38 minutes ago, madteaparty said:

I have sympathy and not a great solution. Everyone I work with including my bosses are younger than me. I was trying to illustrate a provision  and mentioned Lehman recently and the room went quiet. I told the story to my husband who reminded me these people were not in law school yet never mind working when Lehman happened. They had no clue what I was talking about. Every single day I see the exact cost of having mommytracked myself. I mean daily. 
On the other hand. I have really good kids and I got to do that the way I wanted. It’s not nothing. 
All I can say is, you’re not alone. And most days I can laugh at myself. But some days you cry and that’s that. The thing is, I am at a very prestigious firm now. I did not look for the job, they called me. And every day I put up with it I learn and sort of fit in more. You just have to live with the discomfort and rejection for a bit. I’ve practice being “the other” and while it does take some energy, it gets better. It does. 

You get it. I’ve dealt with the discomfort all year and it’s hitting me hard today.
 

I actually have a prestigious bachelor’s degree from a top university but I feel like everyone thinks I’m dumb now. It’s disorienting.

[AnniePoo]

Thank you all for your kind words. I have no regrets staying home with my kids, but looking forward feels daunting. 

[Ausmumof3]

Yep. I have the added advantage of never having a full degree in the first place due to the culture for my religious groups going up being girls just quit work and have babies so what’s the point.
 

Aside from job interviews I never felt nervous or worries about work pre kids. Roll on 15 years and I’m always anxious. I’ve ended up in the typical homeschool mum thing tutoring. I keep turning over what the long term possibilities are. But I’m also still home schooling and trying to work and finding time on top of all that to retrain is impossible.

I have noticed the days my DH is home to help with the kids I’m way less anxious about work so I think trying to balance all the things doesn’t help. 

[Faith-manor]

36 minutes ago, Quill said:

I will speak to this in an hour or two. Gotta go drive through a tornado to get ds from work…🧐

Please be safe!!!!!

OP, I totally get it. Many hugs. 💓

[madteaparty]

28 minutes ago, AnniePoo said:

Sadly, there are no returnships in my area. I’m in a mid-size city and it’s just not large enough for that. My undergrad was perfect for that. I realized that to get back in the field I’d need to go back to school and since I didn’t love my original field, I switched to something else. Feel free to pm me if you want to know exactly what I’m studying. It’s a subset of statistics. 
 

You don’t need to be young to get a position in this field, but, at least around here, the universities to offer this degree didn’t start until recently. So, when I interviewed, my three interviewers were likely late 20’s at the oldest. 
 

really I’m just feeling discouraged and insecure. It’s hard to put yourself out there repeatedly in an uncomfortable situation and it’s just catching up with me tonight. Normally I’m very proud of my life path. Most likely it’ll all work out just fine but right now I’m just feeling sad

Yeah some days I feel like I need to let some skin grow back. And then once more into the fray. There are so many of us. ❤️

[Selkie]

This may not apply to your field, but I know multiple business owners and managers who are actively trying to hire people 35+ because they have found them to be more reliable about showing up and getting work done than younger employees.

[Guest]

I like madteaparty’s post. 
 

I think there are advantages to being older but age discrimination is definitely a thing. 
 

I’m sorry I don’t have much that’s helpful to say. 

[Frances]

1 hour ago, AnniePoo said:

Sadly, there are no returnships in my area. I’m in a mid-size city and it’s just not large enough for that. My undergrad was perfect for that. I realized that to get back in the field I’d need to go back to school and since I didn’t love my original field, I switched to something else. Feel free to pm me if you want to know exactly what I’m studying. It’s a subset of statistics. 
 

You don’t need to be young to get a position in this field, but, at least around here, the universities to offer this degree didn’t start until recently. So, when I interviewed, my three interviewers were likely late 20’s at the oldest. 
 

really I’m just feeling discouraged and insecure. It’s hard to put yourself out there repeatedly in an uncomfortable situation and it’s just catching up with me tonight. Normally I’m very proud of my life path. Most likely it’ll all work out just fine but right now I’m just feeling sad

Can you look for internships in closely related fields first and then maybe get one specific to your degree later? It seems like you might be qualified for all different sorts of analytical positions and there might be a wider range of ages in those jobs. Maybe even something with a non-profit that needs help? It sounds like we have similar backgrounds and I know when I was trying to go back to work, lots of non-profits were eager to have me volunteer.

When I was looking to go back to work, I felt like some of my tech skills were a bit outdated. But surprisingly, I found once I looked outside of the big name companies, lots of smaller companies and public and non-profits were still using many of the tools that I had experience with. So I was able to shine on those while picking up new skills which gave me confidence.

Edited April 1, 2022 by Frances

[kbutton]

34 minutes ago, Frances said:

When I was looking to go back to work, I felt like some of my tech skills were a bit outdated. But surprisingly, I found once I looked outside of the big name companies, lots of smaller companies and public and non-profits were still using many of the tools that I had experience with. So I was able to shine on those while picking up new skills which gave me confidence

That’s encouraging. I feel like that’s where I’ll be if I try to re-enter my field.

OP, in my first job, I came onboard at almost the same time as someone who had just finished her degree at 40ish, and she did really well. Most people her age had gotten into the field in a roundabout way (related degrees), but people my age had tailored degrees for the same job.

I hope the other students discover your value and experience!

[elegantlion]

2 hours ago, AnniePoo said:

Sadly, there are no returnships in my area. I’m in a mid-size city and it’s just not large enough for that. My undergrad was perfect for that. I realized that to get back in the field I’d need to go back to school and since I didn’t love my original field, I switched to something else. Feel free to pm me if you want to know exactly what I’m studying. It’s a subset of statistics. 
 

You don’t need to be young to get a position in this field, but, at least around here, the universities to offer this degree didn’t start until recently. So, when I interviewed, my three interviewers were likely late 20’s at the oldest. 
 

really I’m just feeling discouraged and insecure. It’s hard to put yourself out there repeatedly in an uncomfortable situation and it’s just catching up with me tonight. Normally I’m very proud of my life path. Most likely it’ll all work out just fine but right now I’m just feeling sad

For me the bolded is a grad school ritual that happens every few months. 

I started my undergrad at 46 and am now a 54 year old PhD student after finishing my masters in 2020.  I am not the oldest student in my department. 

As for the intership, have you talked with your advisor? If it's required of the program, they should have outlets to help. Sometimes it's just knowing the right person. Also, if you haven't updated the way you write your resume and looked at how keywords play a role in getting interviews, look into that. (I'm too exhausted to look up links right now). Utilize any helps your university has in the graduate school, career developement, practice interviews, etc. Even if you're an online student there should be resources available to you. 

How is your LinkedIn account. I kind of hate it, but when I start applying for jobs, I'll have it updated and polished. I'm old school employee. My first job was in 1983 at a toy store. I'm not used to the way hiring etc is done today, but it is the way. 

As for being the oldest student, I get that. I was the oldest in my master's cohort, very much the oldest in my undergrad. My graduate institution is more of a commuter school, so there's not a lot of camaderie developed. Once some of the students realized I was just trying to muddle my way through, relationships got better. My attitude has always been that I may have more life experience (we were homeschooling high school when I started college), but I'm still just as ignorant about a subject as the next student in the class. I'm also just as exhausted and stressed. I also realize that just because I'm older, I'm afforded a bit more of authority automatically (it's more perceived than actual) and I could be seen as intimidating. When I was in my undergrad and I was just hanging out with my friends (I'd made some by then), I had another student literally ask "What is your role at this university?"  - I'm just a student...😏

Thing is, grad school IS hard. I don't know how your semester is going, but mine has been rough. We're coming out of pandemic mode and everything just seems a bit wonky at my university.

Are you doing online or in person classes? Online is harder to build relationships but not impossible. 

Remember,  you are doing grad school for a reason. It's always important to keep that in mind. 

[Clarita]

My mom went back to school to get her bachelors in her mid-thirties, I know having that career for a little bit was her proudest achievement. Even though her teenage daughter (me) told her career choice is the most boring. 

[Eos]

11 hours ago, Quill said:

advantages to being older

Trading in high energy levels for patience, the older person's super power.

[Guest]

24 minutes ago, Eos said:

Trading in high energy levels for patience, the older person's super power.

…And yet, thoroughly aware that you do not need to buy people’s B.S….

[Resilient]

19 hours ago, AnniePoo said:

I actually have a prestigious bachelor’s degree from a top university but I feel like everyone thinks I’m dumb now. It’s disorienting.

BTDT, in a slightly different way.  From being a Fortune 50 top-level decision-maker/action-taker to an hourly employee has taken some getting used to, behaviorally and in thought orientation.  Consider this a commiseration.

[Jenny in Florida]

Oh, you young whippersnapper.

I was 50 when my younger one graduated and made me obsolete as a homeschooling mom. I started back to work very part-time and took four years to claw my way into a "real job" with full-time hours and PTO and insurance and such. Along the way, I earned a graduate certificate and a couple of professional certs. 

I'm now 57 and returning to school this fall to finish my master's.

I've been with my current employer for almost three years. Until a recent acquisition brought in 20-ish new people, I was the oldest person in my department. My boss is only a decade older than my older child and is in the same academic program I will be joining next semester.

When I first went back to work, the only thing that kept me sane is that I am, by nature, a future-focused, planner type. Life is boring for me if I'm not working towards a goal. So, I threw myself back into the fray realizing I was starting over more or less in the same place I had been when I graduated from college 30-whatever years prior. Even then, with my freshly printed BA on my resume, I started out in working part-time in retail and worked my way up. I did it again when I decided to change my focus later. So, just acknowledged I was going to have to do it one more time.

 

[Jenny in Florida]

18 hours ago, elegantlion said:

How is your LinkedIn account. I kind of hate it, but when I start applying for jobs, I'll have it updated and polished. I'm old school employee. My first job was in 1983 at a toy store. I'm not used to the way hiring etc is done today, but it is the way. 

This is also very true. Even when I'm not actively job hunting, I keep my LinkedIn up to date. I am connected with people I used to work with, people I have met through classes, presenters whose sessions I have attended at online conferences, people who work for the same company I do but with whom I do not have regular/daily interactions . . . Even when I have my profile set to "not looking," I get messages and feelers from recruiters a couple of times a week. 

I have also been involved in discussions about hiring people for my current department, and I can say that anyone who either doesn't have a presence at all on LinkedIn or whose profile is out of date automatically drops down the priorities list.

[wintermom]

On 3/31/2022 at 8:53 PM, AnniePoo said:

You get it. I’ve dealt with the discomfort all year and it’s hitting me hard today.
 

I actually have a prestigious bachelor’s degree from a top university but I feel like everyone thinks I’m dumb now. It’s disorienting.

That is probably just your insecurity speaking to you, and not actually what people are thinking. Or perhaps the school and program you're in is not a good fit for you. Maybe it's highly competitive? 

I just graduated from a graduate diploma program at age 54. I was older than most of the professors, forget the other students. The only prof older than me was pretty close to retirment. So here's me, after 20+ years of being a SAHM and 16 years homeschooling, getting back  into the workforce when most people my age are retiring. 

Despite this fact, I loved my program and really enjoyed learning new things. I didn't feel embarrassed at all. I was so happy to share my experiences being a mother and homeschooling parent, my different view point, and learn new things - especially the technology. I'd already completed a Masters degree before having kids, so I felt that I was at least on equal footing as the other students in the class.

I landed an amazing full-time job even before I completed my program. I'm older than a lot of my collegueas, but it make no difference at all. Every staff member has at least a Masters degree, and many have PhDs, so the average age is older, and the maturity is lovely. We're all working from home, meeting via Zoom, so my wrinkles are not as obvious as they might be in-person. 😅

I encourage you to keep studying - if not in this program, try looking at other programs. Then relax and enjoy the experience. You deserve to be there! 

I just wanted to add: every interview you land is a prime learning opportunity. If you get the position, wonderful, but if you don't, it's still an excellent experience to learn from. Dont' give up. Take a deep breath and keep trying. I went through many interviews before I landed my current job. They were all frightening, but also amazing. Each one got easier.

Edited April 2, 2022 by wintermom

[Laurel-in-CA]

I *left* the workforce at 40 to do f/t homeschooling and spent the next 20+ years doing it. Picture returning to the work force during lockdown at age 64! Lots of women do have resume gaps. I covered mine by calling myself a tutor -- I did teach small group english classes and develop materials for them some years, so it's not too out of range and fits with my particular job goals. I was able to reconnect with work colleagues after years away, and am working p/t with them now...at my old rate of pay too, but hourly.

As far as being the oldest in a class, in grad school I would consider that a big advantage. You have a much different perspective and it will enrich the class time. Getting to know your teachers in office hours may be a lot more accessible to you than younger students, and they can make great job networking and references too. I really think they are lucky to have you in that program!

You might be able to ask some friends to do practice interviews for you. My husband belonged to a professionals networking group when he was unemployed and they would tape each others' mock interviews and critique. It sounds like your biggest challenge is figuring out how to be positive about the skills and creativity needed to homeschool, no apologies. Your life pattern is unique and that means you bring something unusual and beneficial to the table. You can also talk about being energized by learning and how much fun you're having, how much you look forward to really committing to your career. Employers love to hear that, love a mindset of diligence and learning and growth.

[sassenach]

Very relatable. I just graduated nursing school and am entering a market where the most desirable new hires seems to be the ones in their late 20's. All you can do is keep your eye on the prize. You have a lot to offer. 

I have no other plan than apply, apply, apply. 

[Amethyst]

Keep interviewing! Sooner or later, you’ll have someone interview you is 61, and they’ll think you are very YOUNG!