Am I being unreasonable?

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Well the kids are between 1.5 and 2.5 years apart so I'm dragging stuff out very often, but no room to keep it in my house. Clothes too, he kind of expects me to have the hand me downs.

It sounds like he expects a lot from you but isn't willing to give you the assistance you need. I am sorry; this must be very difficult. 

[kbutton]

1 minute ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Well the kids are between 1.5 and 2.5 years apart so I'm dragging stuff out very often, but no room to keep it in my house. Clothes too, he kind of expects me to have the hand me downs.

His expectation = his problem to solve. 

When the kids need clothes from the stash, tell him he needs to get them. When clothes need to go into the stash, take them out of the kids' rooms and put them someplace for him to deal with them.

It's not an unreasonable expectation to save things. It is unreasonable to not give you the means with which to do that. 

His problem, his solution. You'll have to continually make it not your problem. That's trickier with the homeschooling stuff because he's not likely involved that much in that aspect, but clothing the kids is as much his responsibility as yours.

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

It sounds like he expects a lot from you but isn't willing to give you the assistance you need. I am sorry; this must be very difficult. 

He’s not all bad, but we do have very different opinions about how things should be.

[kbutton]

I'll add that there are often underlying issues that make these problems harder to solve. Some people are not neurotypical. They wear you down. It's easier to adjust than to make them change. I get that, but having a friend whose husband is like this...it won't get any better without you taking steps.

[Tanaqui]

You don't need a shed. You need counseling. If he won't go to couples counseling with you, get individual counseling for yourself. This situation is unacceptable. He's putting his minor wants over your serious needs.

[Spryte]

4 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Well the kids are between 1.5 and 2.5 years apart so I'm dragging stuff out very often, but no room to keep it in my house. Clothes too, he kind of expects me to have the hand me downs.

So, then I might approach it as a problem I need his help solving. Is he a problem solver? My DH is a problem solver, no idea if yours is (so this might not work) but I could definitely go to my DH and say, “I have a problem, and I need your help brainstorming how to fix it.” And I know he would help me once he saw that it’s really a problem for me.

Your problem is you need storage space for curriculum and clothes, and you need to not fall over it in the house. 6 people in 1,000 sq ft is no small feat, without the storage issue!

The solutions I see to your problem are: move to a bigger house; don’t save stuff; store it in the current shed along with his stuff (he may need to make room); get a storage unit; or finish the new shed. Maybe you and DH can come up with more ideas or a timeline.

If he’s not interested in helping you solve the problem, and still expects you to save stuff — I agree that it’s time for counseling.

[lauraw4321]

47 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Eh. Yeah, but I can't just do it. I don't have the freedom to just spend money without his ok.

Can you expand on this? Could you get the quote and figure out how you could pay for it? I assume you have access to some family money?

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, lauraw4321 said:

Can you expand on this? Could you get the quote and figure out how you could pay for it? I assume you have access to some family money?

I technically have access to our money, but I always ask before I spend anything.

[lauraw4321]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

I technically have access to our money, but I always ask before I spend anything.

Well, just because you always do it one way doesn’t mean you have to always do it that way. 

[TheReader]

The only thing helpful I have to add is that most folks you might hire will come and give a quote for free. So, having someone come look at what they would charge to finish the job will cost you guys nothing. 

Then, having the quote in hand may spur your DH on to actually finishing, or knowing you are serious about getting it done may spur him to finish sooner than later rather than get the quote. 

If he's unwilling to finish/commit to a reasonable timeline on finishing the shed, *and* unwilling to get a quote at least, then I'd ask him if he can help you figure out where else to store the items -- whether that be swapping his things into the hard-to-get-to attic (or wherever in the house the curriculum and clothes currently live), renting a storage unit, getting rid of unneeded things taking up space so you can share the existing building, or whatever. 

Hopefully one of the above will get his buy-in to some kind of solution. You have my sympathies; I'm sure it's not an easy thing to deal with. 

[freesia]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

I technically have access to our money, but I always ask before I spend anything.

Before this gets jumped on, I want you to clarify. Dh and I are very careful with our money. Out of respect for each other and our budget, we ask each other about big expenditures. That way no one spends all the money. We each also have a personal amount that we can spend freely without asking. Is that the type of arrangement you are talking about? Or does he control all the money. 

[freesia]

Just now, TheReader said:

The only thing helpful I have to add is that most folks you might hire will come and give a quote for free. So, having someone come look at what they would charge to finish the job will cost you guys nothing. 

Then, having the quote in hand may spur your DH on to actually finishing, or knowing you are serious about getting it done may spur him to finish sooner than later rather than get the quote. 

If he's unwilling to finish/commit to a reasonable timeline on finishing the shed, *and* unwilling to get a quote at least, then I'd ask him if he can help you figure out where else to store the items -- whether that be swapping his things into the hard-to-get-to attic (or wherever in the house the curriculum and clothes currently live), renting a storage unit, getting rid of unneeded things taking up space so you can share the existing building, or whatever. 

Hopefully one of the above will get his buy-in to some kind of solution. You have my sympathies; I'm sure it's not an easy thing to deal with. 

I like this idea. Get a quote. Then I’d go with the help me solve this problem tact. Brainstorm together, chose one, pick a date and together come up with a plan B.

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, freesia said:

Before this gets jumped on, I want you to clarify. Dh and I are very careful with our money. Out of respect for each other and our budget, we ask each other about big expenditures. That way no one spends all the money. We each also have a personal amount that we can spend freely without asking. Is that the type of arrangement you are talking about? Or does he control all the money. 

We must each discuss before making big purchases. We don't have our own personal spending money. My name is on everything with him, but he keeps up with the accounts. I have access to the online accounts and stuff by looking in dh’s book of passwords, but he knows how much we need for bills and such and I don't. So if I need to go to the store I ask and he says how much? And then he tells me if we have the money or not.

[Tanaqui]

Normally, Elizabeth86, I'd say it's perfectly reasonable for both parties in a marriage to check with each other before spending a big chunk of money from the shared budget.

However, his behavior is *so* unreasonable here that I think that no longer strictly applies in this specific situation.

I am assuming that you *both* usually get the okay before making a big purchase. If you always get his okay, but he doesn't, then that's an even bigger problem than I had thought. Your posts don't look like that's the situation, but I feel I should cover that just in case. If YOU need to get an okay but he doesn't, or if he doesn't need to get an okay until a much higher cost threshold, then that's a BIG problem.

Again, it doesn't read to me like that is the case, so there's no need to reply explaining that it isn't if it isn't. I only wanted to cover all our bases here.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

If it were me, I'd organise to get some quotes.

Then I'd present the quotes with something like, "I know your back has slowed this project down, so I'm looking at options to get it completed. What do you think?"

The quotes might spur him into action, or he may be willing to pick which quote.

Good luck!

[Catwoman]

25 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

He’s not all bad, but we do have very different opinions about how things should be.

The thing that I think you might be missing here is that your opinion matters as much as his does, and it's way past time that he was made to realize that. 

Why should you always have to be the cooperative, non-complaining, eternally patient one? Why does he get to make these decisions? And why does he automatically get the big shed and you get the old, small one? You seem resigned to accepting whatever he says, and that's not healthy for you. Are you ever assertive with him?

[saraha]

@Elizabeth86 your husband and mine sound very similar. I’m sorry. I would just be downsizing. Right now our bedroom is packed to the gills with stuff we have no room to store and he doesn’t care, no one can see it. 

To everyone else, I can’t imagine doing some of the things suggested and I am really curious how these suggestions of just hire someone yourself or give him a deadline work. I could absolutely give him a deadline but that absolutely means nothing. I have been in this exact same position and when I suggested hiring someone he absolutely refused. Shoot, when we first moved in here our bathroom needing new floor. I waited, suggested, we even went shopping and looked at flooring, but no floor. Then I went and bought peel and stick tile And stacked them in the bathroom. Another month went by. Finally one week I said this weekend I want to put the new tiles down. Sunday rolls around and was expecting all of us to go spend the day at his parents house. I said nope, I’m staying here and putting down the tile. He was livid, took the kids, ate dinner, left the kids at his moms and came back to oversee the project. I never did that again.

Edited March 18, 2022 by saraha

[Elizabeth86]

2 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

Normally, Elizabeth86, I'd say it's perfectly reasonable for both parties in a marriage to check with each other before spending a big chunk of money from the shared budget.

However, his behavior is *so* unreasonable here that I think that no longer strictly applies in this specific situation.

I am assuming that you *both* usually get the okay before making a big purchase. If you always get his okay, but he doesn't, then that's an even bigger problem than I had thought. Your posts don't look like that's the situation, but I feel I should cover that just in case. If YOU need to get an okay but he doesn't, or if he doesn't need to get an okay until a much higher cost threshold, then that's a BIG problem.

Again, it doesn't read to me like that is the case, so there's no need to reply explaining that it isn't if it isn't. I only wanted to cover all our bases here.

Yes. He always checks with me, but he kind of hates spending money so that rarely comes up.

[Catwoman]

4 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

We must each discuss before making big purchases. We don't have our own personal spending money. My name is on everything with him, but he keeps up with the accounts. I have access to the online accounts and stuff by looking in dh’s book of passwords, but he knows how much we need for bills and such and I don't. So if I need to go to the store I ask and he says how much? And then he tells me if we have the money or not.

Honestly, I think you're making a big mistake by not being more directly involved with the finances. 

I'm not saying this because I have anything against your dh paying the bills and keeping track of the accounts; I just think it's important that you be up to speed on everything, as well, in case something ever happens to your dh and you have to suddenly take over all of those responsibilities.

[Elizabeth86]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

The thing that I think you might be missing here is that your opinion matters as much as his does, and it's way past time that he was made to realize that. 

Why should you always have to be the cooperative, non-complaining, eternally patient one? Why does he get to make these decisions? And why does he automatically get the big shed and you get the old, small one? You seem resigned to accepting whatever he says, and that's not healthy for you. Are you ever assertive with him?

Honestly because that's just how my mom was whatever made everyone else happy, she was ok with. It's just what a good wife does.

[Tanaqui]

3 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Honestly because that's just how my mom was whatever made everyone else happy, she was ok with. It's just what a good wife does.

A good wife lets her husband make her unhappy?

That's not good for her - and it's not good for *him* either. It's not good for a person to get what they want all the time, even when that makes the people around them unhappy. That sort of thing is bad for you, bad for your kids - and bad for your husband. It's bad for your entire family.

Edited March 18, 2022 by Tanaqui

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, saraha said:

@Elizabeth86 your husband and mine sound very similar. I’m sorry. I would just be downsizing. Right now our bedroom is packed to the gills with stuff we have no room to store and he doesn’t care, no one can see it. 
To everyone else, I can’t imagine doing some of the things suggested and I am really curious how these suggestions of just hire someone yourself or give him a deadline work. I could absolutely give him a deadline but that absolutely means nothing. I have been in this exact same position and when I suggested hiring someone he absolutely refused. Shoot, when we first moved in here our bathroom needing new floor. I waited, suggested, we even went shopping and looked at flooring, but no floor. Then I went and bought peel and stick tile And stacked them in the bathroom. Another month went by. Finally one week I said this weekend I want to put the new tiles down. Sunday rolls around and was expecting all of us to go spend the day at his parents house. I said nope, I’m staying here and putting down the tile. He was livid, took the kids, ate dinner, left the kids at his moms and came back to oversee the project. I never did that again.

I don't understand relationships like that at all. Why don't you insist on being an equal to your dh instead of being so subservient? 

And why did you never do it again? You needed the floor to be finished and you insisted on it, and he got mad, but ultimately you got what you needed.

Please don't think I'm picking on you and Elizabeth -- I just feel so sad when I hear about situations like this, because it is so foreign to the way I have always believed a marriage should be. 😞 

[regentrude]

10 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

We must each discuss before making big purchases. We don't have our own personal spending money. My name is on everything with him, but he keeps up with the accounts. I have access to the online accounts and stuff by looking in dh’s book of passwords, but he knows how much we need for bills and such and I don't. So if I need to go to the store I ask and he says how much? And then he tells me if we have the money or not.

Elizabeth, I am saying this very gently: this sounds less than ideal. You need to be in full knowledge about your financial situation. It is one thing to discuss larger purchases; we do that too. But you need to know how much money you have available without having to ask your husband.

[Catwoman]

4 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Honestly because that's just how my mom was whatever made everyone else happy, she was ok with. It's just what a good wife does.

No.

It isn't.

It's what a good wife does if she has a considerate husband who considers her his equal, and who treats her with kindness and respect.

A good wife doesn't need to put up with being mistreated and taken for granted. She just doesn't.

[Elizabeth86]

2 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

A good wife lets her husband make her unhappy?

That's not good for her - and it's not good for *him* either. It's not good for a person to get what they want all the time, even when that makes the people around them unhappy. That sort of thing is bad for you, bad for your kids - and bad for your husband. It's bad for your entire family.

Probably, but I've always been a people pleaser.

[Catwoman]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

Probably, but I've always been a people pleaser.

Maybe it's time to stop that.

I'm really serious. 

It's fine to be a people-pleaser when the people around you also care about pleasing you.

That doesn't really seem to be the case here. 

[regentrude]

9 minutes ago, saraha said:

To everyone else, I can’t imagine doing some of the things suggested and I am really curious how these suggestions of just hire someone yourself or give him a deadline work. I could absolutely give him a deadline but that absolutely means nothing. I have been in this exact same position and when I suggested hiring someone he absolutely refused. Shoot, when we first moved in here our bathroom needing new floor. I waited, suggested, we even went shopping and looked at flooring, but no floor. Then I went and bought peel and stick tile And stacked them in the bathroom. Another month went by. Finally one week I said this weekend I want to put the new tiles down. Sunday rolls around and was expecting all of us to go spend the day at his parents house. I said nope, I’m staying here and putting down the tile. He was livid, took the kids, ate dinner, left the kids at his moms and came back to oversee the project. I never did that again.

Why the bolded? It seemed to be the only way for you to get this project done.

It sounds like this is what you'd have to do all.the.time if your DH is so unreasonable.

 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

No.

It isn't.

It's what a good wife does if she has a considerate husband who considers her his equal, and who treats her with kindness and respect.

A good wife doesn't need to put up with being mistreated and taken for granted. She just doesn't.

QFT. +1 million

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, Catwoman said:

Maybe it's time to stop that.

I'm really serious. 

It's fine to be a people-pleaser when the people around you also care about pleasing you.

That doesn't really seem to be the case here. 

Easier said than done.

[Tanaqui]

2 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Probably, but I've always been a people pleaser.

I'm a person. You can please me by going to therapy and taking this up with them. Specifically say that you view yourself in this way.

If your husband tries to veto it - actually, you know what? Don't ask him first. Inform him that you're doing this. You need to go to therapy, same as you would need to go to urgent care if you were physically sick.

[regentrude]

8 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Honestly because that's just how my mom was whatever made everyone else happy, she was ok with. It's just what a good wife does.

The bolded is BS. And you know that.

[Catwoman]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

Easier said than done.

Have you thought about getting some counseling to help you be more assertive?

I don't normally suggest that, but in this case, I think it might really help you. 

 

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, regentrude said:

The bolded is BS. And you know that.

Well I mean, my mom loved every one in the overly devoted selfless way and I just cant help but be this way.

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, Catwoman said:

Have you thought about getting some counseling to help you be more assertive?

I don't normally suggest that, but in this case, I think it might really help you. 

 

No because I think 2 assertive people don't really make for a peaceful household.

[Tanaqui]

I do normally suggest therapy, and I also think it would really help you. You certainly *can* help but be this way because being this way isn't making you happy.

[Tanaqui]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

No because I think 2 assertive people don't really make for a peaceful household.

How peaceful is it now when one of you is unhappy?

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, Tanaqui said:

How peaceful is it now when one of you is unhappy?

Well. We don't argue and fight about things.

[Catwoman]

@Elizabeth86 -- I hope you don't feel like everyone is ganging up on you! We are all seeing your dh treat you like a doormat, and we are upset for you, and we are hoping you can start to change that situation. Obviously, it's not going to happen overnight, but I really think you need to find a way to stick up for yourself, and you can start with this shed. 

I'm not suggesting you go in with guns blazing, ready for a screaming match -- but I am suggesting that you tell your dh you need to have a serious discussion with him about the shed situation, and that you tell him everything you've told us, and if he tries to put you off, you should insist that he be considerate of your needs. You can even offer to help work on the shed with him, if you think that would help.

But really. Do something. Stand up for yourself. No one is going to do it for you, but it has to be done. You need to work toward being an equal partner in your marriage, not as someone who thinks of yourself as a bad wife if you don't accommodate everyone else but yourself.

Sending lots of hugs.

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

No because I think 2 assertive people don't really make for a peaceful household.

Of course they do. Ask anyone in my family and my extended family.

There is a huge difference between assertive and aggressive, and I think you might be picturing aggressive.

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

No because I think 2 assertive people don't really make for a peaceful household.

Not true. A partnership between two people who are both responsive to the other's needs and at the same time assertive when it comes to their own can be perfectly peaceful and completely drama-free.

To be assertive means to confidently speak up -  about your needs, concerns, opinions. This is not the same as bulldozing the other party into submission.

ETA: and the absence of open fights does not equal peaceful

Edited March 18, 2022 by regentrude

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, Catwoman said:

@Elizabeth86 -- I hope you don't feel like everyone is ganging up on you! We are all seeing your dh treat you like a doormat, and we are upset for you, and we are hoping you can start to change that situation. Obviously, it's not going to happen overnight, but I really think you need to find a way to stick up for yourself, and you can start with this shed. 

I'm not suggesting you go in with guns blazing, ready for a screaming match -- but I am suggesting that you tell your dh you need to have a serious discussion with him about the shed situation, and that you tell him everything you've told us, and if he tries to put you off, you should insist that he be considerate of your needs. You can even offer to help work on the shed with him, if you think that would help.

But really. Do something. Stand up for yourself. No one is going to do it for you, but it has to be done. You need to work toward being an equal partner in your marriage, not as someone who thinks of yourself as a bad wife if you don't accommodate everyone else but yourself.

Sending lots of hugs.

Thanks. You are so kind. I'll let you know how the discussion goes. I have worked on the building with him the whole time.

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Well. We don't argue and fight about things.

Yes, but that's because you always give in and he knows it. 

That is so incredibly unhealthy for you.

[Tanaqui]

2 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Well. We don't argue and fight about things.

But you are unhappy.

Do you want your children to be unhappy when they grow up, following your example? Or worse - following your husband's example and watching as all their potential partners leave them because you'd have to be a saint to put up with that?

If you can't put yourself first, can you try to put them first?

Edited March 18, 2022 by Tanaqui

[regentrude]

3 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Well. We don't argue and fight about things.

maybe you should. from time to time.

Big hugs. It is painful for me to read for how little you settle in your relationship.

Edited March 18, 2022 by regentrude

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, Tanaqui said:

But you are unhappy.

Do you want your children to be unhappy when they grow up, following your example? Or worse - following your husband's example and watching as all their potential partners leave them because you'd have to be a saint to put up with that?

I mean I'm not unhappy with my life in general. I just wish sh wasn't so lazy.

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, regentrude said:

maybe you should.

No. That would make me unhappy. I hate confrontation and disagreements with anyone.

[Catwoman]

5 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Well I mean, my mom loved every one in the overly devoted selfless way and I just cant help but be this way.

But you can do that, and still stand up for yourself. Demanding respect and equal treatment has nothing to do with being devoted and selfless. 

It's a lot easier to be selfless when your partner is selfless, too. You don't have that.

I am totally devoted to my dh and my ds, but they don't take advantage of it -- and whenever I need them, they are always there for me. The love and devotion are MUTUAL.

[itsheresomewhere]

3 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Well. We don't argue and fight about things.

Happy marriages do argue. I have a feeling you might not realize how walking in eggshells is not only not healthy for the marriage but for you. 

[elegantlion]

Two things: 

1. Set a hard deadline to finish. "If this is not finished by May 1, I'm going to get quotes to finish this. If I have to do that work, I'm taking the new shed." 

 

2. As a person who had to walk on eggshells in her former marriage, I understand that you want to be a good wife. My mom was a SAHM until I was in high school. My dad wrote the checks, he paid the bills, she made any phone calls. This is not that era anymore.

My ex tried to control everything because he was always screwing it up [insert really long story]. He was financially abusive - which took me years to really understand. I'd ask for $10 to order some homeschooling material and he'd ask what I did with the last $10 he gave me - like 3 months ago. For security and peace of mind, you should know how to access payments, how to pay them, what you owe and where your (combined) money is going. You can still let him pay the bills, but you should be aware of it all. 

I'm sorry you feel like you can't be assertive with your dh or with your finances. You are worth more than just waiting until he makes the time to do this. Your needs are important too. 

 

[itsheresomewhere]

1 minute ago, Elizabeth86 said:

No. That would make me unhappy. I hate confrontation and disagreements with anyone.

Perhaps you might want to explore with a therapist as a neutral party on why this makes you uncomfortable.