Popular Post DawnM Posted March 1, 2022 Popular Post Share Posted March 1, 2022 I think I have found someone. It is neither of the two I mentioned before. This is a man, who cared for his father until his father passed away. He worked at a local grocery store as a manager for 42 years and retired during Covid. He is 62 and says he wasn't quite ready to retire but heianwas tired of his job AND his father needed full time care. He says he isn't medical in any way, but he loves helping people and he is asking for very little $$. I am actually going to pay him a bit more than his asking because it is too low IMO, and I want him to stick around and love coming to help dad. But it will also allow us some additional time to have him come. He WILL do personal care if needed, unlike the other male I found. He also will take dad out for lunch and to appointments. He seems very nice and comes with good personal references and is a Christian, which is important to dad. Looks like we may have found what we were looking for! Fingers crossed! He comes today to meet us and meet dad. 62 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted March 1, 2022 Share Posted March 1, 2022 Sounds great - I really hope this works out for you! 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martha in GA Posted March 1, 2022 Share Posted March 1, 2022 I hope this works out for everyone involved! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmasc Posted March 1, 2022 Share Posted March 1, 2022 Wonderful! It is so, so hard to find a good fit sometimes in this situation, and it sounds like you may have found him! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristin0713 Posted March 1, 2022 Share Posted March 1, 2022 That is great! It sounds like a good fit for your dad! I do think that a backup is also important, especially since this is an older gentleman who only has personal experience with this sort of thing, not professional experience. Not saying that he won't work out. He just might get burned out faster than he realizes. And, people do get sick. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 1, 2022 Author Share Posted March 1, 2022 1 minute ago, kristin0713 said: That is great! It sounds like a good fit for your dad! I do think that a backup is also important, especially since this is an older gentleman who only has personal experience with this sort of thing, not professional experience. Not saying that he won't work out. He just might get burned out faster than he realizes. And, people do get sick. Thankfully dad doesn't need a lot of care at the moment. I have no idea how to find someone to just be on hold unless I need them at the last minute. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted March 1, 2022 Share Posted March 1, 2022 38 minutes ago, DawnM said: I have no idea how to find someone to just be on hold unless I need them at the last minute. When we did this, it wasn't really a matter of having people just being on hold until needed. It was more that we started with one person, then found others through their personal network. For example, we hired a woman who was a CNA. Her cousin and mother had also done the same sort of work, and we ended up hiring them also. They were able to cover most hours between them, the younger two handling the bulk of the care, and the mother coming in occasionally when they couldn't. Obviously finding a family with the right experience isn't going to be common, but in previous situations we found that people who had caregiving experience had their own connections. Once you're starting from a person you know and like, their recommendations are likely to give better results than random people who respond to ads. And, if they're working with people they know and like, they're happier, and there's more cooperation between them. You may not need this level of care yet, but maybe as the situation evolves the flexibility of this approach might help. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 1, 2022 Share Posted March 1, 2022 Yay! I hope your dad likes the guy -- he sounds like the perfect fit! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith-manor Posted March 1, 2022 Share Posted March 1, 2022 That is a great update! I hope it works out well. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 3, 2022 Author Share Posted March 3, 2022 Well, the guy hasn't even started yet and dad is taking a bad turn. He is in a lot of pain and it is keeping him up at night. And he is starting to have accidents. He said yesterday that maybe it is time to start looking for an assisted living place for him. I would say this happened fast, but it really has been a process and he has gone downhill since mom died, and even more rapidly since his fall. It may not be the worst thing. And I am glad that he didn't go in during Covid or I wouldn't have been able to see him. So, at least I can visit him now if he goes in. 3 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeLovePassion Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 I'm sorry, Dawn, but in happy he is the one recognizing the need. If you are looking at AL, I would still try to keep your guy to lend a hand while you find a place as it may take a while to tour some places and find an open spot. If his needs escalate too much, there may be facilities that offer emergency placement (but they have maximum allowable stays as their sole purpose is emergency stays/respite care) 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 (edited) 8 minutes ago, LifeLovePassion said: I'm sorry, Dawn, but in happy he is the one recognizing the need. If you are looking at AL, I would still try to keep your guy to lend a hand while you find a place as it may take a while to tour some places and find an open spot. If his needs escalate too much, there may be facilities that offer emergency placement (but they have maximum allowable stays as their sole purpose is emergency stays/respite care) Yes. He may require independent caregiving to come in to help in AL at this point. Maybe look at nursing homes too. I’m so sorry, but I am glad he is recognizing it is time. For his sake and for yours. Hugs… ETA: It is also the time to start wearing Depends : ( Edited March 3, 2022 by mlktwins 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted March 3, 2022 Author Share Posted March 3, 2022 24 minutes ago, mlktwins said: Yes. He may require independent caregiving to come in to help in AL at this point. Maybe look at nursing homes too. I’m so sorry, but I am glad he is recognizing it is time. For his sake and for yours. Hugs… ETA: It is also the time to start wearing Depends : ( That's easy to say, and probably necessary, but getting him to wear them is a different thing altogether. I can try. This is a really dumb question, but do they have a diaper genie type device for depends? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 32 minutes ago, mlktwins said: Yes. He may require independent caregiving to come in to help in AL at this point. Maybe look at nursing homes too. I’m so sorry, but I am glad he is recognizing it is time. For his sake and for yours. Hugs… ETA: It is also the time to start wearing Depends : ( I don't know about the different terminologies in the US but for my mum we were advised to choose a nursing home - with full time nursing staff - rather than a care home with visiting nursing staff. It means that it's easier to avoid a hospital trip if she gets ill, as she doesn't want to go to hospital. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 6 minutes ago, DawnM said: That's easy to say, and probably necessary, but getting him to wear them is a different thing altogether. I can try. This is a really dumb question, but do they have a diaper genie type device for depends? I get it! My dad still won’t wear them at home, but he has 24/7 care. I won’t take him out of the house without one - my rules. He wants to go somewhere, Depends it is. TBH, AL may require them. It would probably be actual diapers in a nursing home. AL is going to charge based on his level of care. He may need supplemental caregiving to come in also. AL isn’t going to run in there every time he has an accident to clean things up. When I went to tour AL facilities in 2019 for my in-laws-laws, I found they did checks every 2 hours. If he has fallen, they might not see him until the next check. If he messes his pants, they may not get to help him until next check. My dad is a huge fall risk and is why I am trying to keep 24/7 care in his apartment for now. At some point in the next year or so, he will go directly to a nursing home. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 5 minutes ago, Laura Corin said: I don't know about the different terminologies in the US but for my mum we were advised to choose a nursing home - with full time nursing staff - rather than a care home with visiting nursing staff. It means that it's easier to avoid a hospital trip if she gets ill, as she doesn't want to go to hospital. My FIL told DH 2 months before his death that it was time for him and MIL to go to AL. We said that ship has sailed at this point. It would be a nursing home. They were way past AL care. My dad goes to the bathroom every half hour or hour. He currently has rails on his bed at home because he won’t ask for help to go to the bathroom if he didn’t. He hates them, but he would be falling a lot if he didn't have them. He refuses Depends or diapers that would allow him to sleep better. Neither AL or nursing hime has the time or staff to rush him to the bathroom as often as needed. Such a sad thing to watch the stubbornness. He is not happy, but at this point, I need to keep him safe and this is what it looks like. One of the many reasons he isn’t living with me. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeLovePassion Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 21 minutes ago, Laura Corin said: I don't know about the different terminologies in the US but for my mum we were advised to choose a nursing home - with full time nursing staff - rather than a care home with visiting nursing staff. It means that it's easier to avoid a hospital trip if she gets ill, as she doesn't want to go to hospital. I think it varies by facility here. Most we toured had a nurse on staff at all times, but we made sure to choose one that did. They offered different levels of care as well and were equipped to let residents age in place offering more services as needed. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 6 minutes ago, LifeLovePassion said: I think it varies by facility here. Most we toured had a nurse on staff at all times, but we made sure to choose one that did. They offered different levels of care as well and were equipped to let residents age in place offering more services as needed. I found this to be true as well. But they needed to get in early enough to age up in the places I looked at. Harder to get in if you were coming in with a lot of extra care needs already. Dawn’s dad may need memory care at this point too. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 Depending on his insurance, etc height qualify for in home or in AL supplemental care through hospice or their palliative care team. My friends FIL gets this and doctor, nurse And lab work all come to him. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 Assisted Living has been wonderful for my dad. He is in an MRC retirement community. I don't know if that affiliation helps, but his place is really great. Like a ritzy hotel. They have many nurses on staff and check in with him daily on medical stuff. A doctor (nurse practitioner) comes in once a week and usually he sees her and they find something and catch it and prescribe something. They have caught cellulitis and pink eye and allergies and leg pain and constipation and his legs used to be super swollen and aren't anymore and.... They notice when he needs physical or occupational therapy and schedule that to happen in the community. He is walking more and more independent. (His issues are mainly Parkinson's.). It has been a wonderful decision, and he will live a longer, better quality of life there. Best wishes that your dad experiences similar results. By the way, if he is saying he needs AL, jump on that now. He may waffle on that quite a bit so strike while the iron is hot. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 Many (hugs) Glad he's recognizing his needs. He could very well know he's past AL but saying it that way has got to hurt less. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 39 minutes ago, happi duck said: Many (hugs) Glad he's recognizing his needs. He could very well know he's past AL but saying it that way has got to hurt less. Same from me - many hugs and I'm glad he brought it up. I'm so sorry you (and your dad) are going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 I agree with the others that if independence in toileting is going, it’s time for a nursing home. I would at least consider doing the qualification screener. AL is more appropriate where you just need med oversight, housekeeping, some meals and the occasional checkin from a nurse—kind of where your dad was when he moved to your state. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 I'm glad he has a clearer view of his condition. Some people really enjoy assisted living because they get to socialize more. Facilities that have a range of care options can be helpful. My grandmother's sister was in one from the time she just needed someone to supervise medications and meals until the end when she was bedridden and needed full on 24/7 nursing care. I'm sorry to hear about his decline. I know it's hard when someone we love is declining. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 5 hours ago, DawnM said: This is a really dumb question, but do they have a diaper genie type device for depends? Not really. A lined trash can with a tight fitting lid helps, but trash will still need to be emptied daily to control the smells. They do have specific devices, like this: https://www.amazon.com/JANM330DAEA-AKORD-Diaper-Disposal-System/dp/B00KI01FI8 but it’s not the same as a diaper genie. They have adult pull-ups if he has his balance and hand strength still but as they are more difficult to wrangle, I would recommend bars around the toilet and having the can right at hand. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 On the topic of nursing home vs AL and toileting, there are a lot of possible causes and ways to address the toileting accidents. It sounds like he's aware enough that it's probably more of a mechanical issue than awareness. He might even be constipated, which can impact bladder control. My point being, I wouldn't jump to assuming that AL isn't the right fit. I would start with addressing the toileting with the dr and figuring out if there is something to be done about it. I'm really glad he brought up AL. I think it will be a much better quality of life for everyone. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlktwins Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 8 minutes ago, sassenach said: On the topic of nursing home vs AL and toileting, there are a lot of possible causes and ways to address the toileting accidents. It sounds like he's aware enough that it's probably more of a mechanical issue than awareness. He might even be constipated, which can impact bladder control. My point being, I wouldn't jump to assuming that AL isn't the right fit. I would start with addressing the toileting with the dr and figuring out if there is something to be done about it. I'm really glad he brought up AL. I think it will be a much better quality of life for everyone. I agree. @DawnM I don't have any experience with kidney cancer, but could this be an issue related to his possible recurrence? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 In place of a diaper genie, when I worked with adult students that wore briefs (we didn't call them diapers) we put the used one into a Walmart type bag and then tied it shut before putting it in the trash. That helped with odors. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 10 hours ago, DawnM said: That's easy to say, and probably necessary, but getting him to wear them is a different thing altogether. I can try. This is a really dumb question, but do they have a diaper genie type device for depends? Yes. I got one on Amazon. However, it still kinda reeked, and I found it necessary to empty it pretty frequently. I was glad to have it as there were many times I just could not immediately get out to the garage with the soiled briefs. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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