Stroke brain

[DawnM]

A dear friend of mine had a stroke a couple of years ago.   She was just over age 50.  

She and I have always been close and I still talk to her several times per week even though we live several states apart.

She has has several friends kind of abandon her or not talk to her much anymore.   I have tried really hard to continue our friendship, but things are definitely very different.   I am assuming all of this is normal, but it is heartbreaking.

I doubt she will ever be able to work again, even though she talks about "When I go back to work....."

Her personality is definitely different.   She can't carry on conversations like she used to.   She talks to other people while we are in the middle of a conversation (her partner lives with her and takes care of her and she has kids and grandkids nearby.).  I often find out she hasn't been listening to me at all.   She has been talking to someone else or on her phone looking at Instagram or FB.   Her attention span is just gone.

But the saddest part to me is that her ability to understand jokes is completely gone.   She almost gets irritated at jokes and says, "What does that even mean?"   Her sense of humor and our ability to both make jokes about those things in life that were struggles, is just gone.   It makes me so sad.

She has gotten "simpler" if that makes sense.   She seems to only be able to focus on the here and now and often states simple facts as if they are great concepts of thought that she has been pondering for days.

I find myself pulling back a bit.  She used to be someone who I would confide in, but I don't even feel she is capable of listening to any of my stories, much less analyze or talk through anything with me.    But I also feel so bad for her.   Her own children have retreated a bit because they feel she is needy and far less of a "mom" figure.

It has been over 2 years.   What are the chances of her getting better or more back to normal?   They are pretty much none aren't they?   It is so hard to listen to her talk about "When I get back to work" or "When I can drive my car again" or any number of "when" statements.   I don't want her to give up or lose hope, but I am a realist and feel it is always best to face things in reality.   

Her doctors HAVE told her not to expect to get any better.   I don't say much about it and I know it isn't my job to say much.   I just listen.

Mostly I am just sad more than anything.

[Katy]

I think it’s probable that she’ll see some improvement over 10 years, but she will never recover the way she thinks. I also think it’s okay to pull back a bit. 

[Faith-manor]

My brother needed special speech therapy after his stroke, and not because he couldn't speak clearly - he regained that quickly - but because his brain needed to be retrained to carry on adult conversations. It took a while, but the therapist was an expert working with stroke victims, and did a very good job. I suspect your friend needs that.

It is natural to feel yourself pulling away when the nature of your relationship has changed so fundamentally. Sad. But I do get it. She really needs a support group that can help her through all the changes she is experiencing and understands what she needs to overcome if she is going to return to a semblance of normal. Sadly, you also need a friend who as a peers has your back, so to speak. 

As for prognosis, my brother's doctor told him what you gain back in the first two years is what you get. There is virtually no improvement after that. I think the doctor is in general correct simply because almost no one can get any meaningful therapy after two years due to insurance restrictions that make lofty goals and then if not reached in a crazy short period of time, refuse to pay for more therapy, and likely people kind of give up. My brother did not. It has been 5 years and he has still made strides. But my brother is tenacious. Just tenacious about it. So instead of settling for "The therapist said I road a mile on my exercise bike so I am not going to get more of X therapy", he bought a bike, and in the winter rides 20 miles a day on a stand in his living room, and in good weather, 20 miles a day outside. When his wife and daughter pushed him about his conversational skills and speech patterns, he fought like mad with his insurance company until he got specialized speech therapy. I am going to guess that many patients cannot advocate for themselves that well or have policies with lower lifetime maximums and the insurance company cannot be forced to pay for anything.

[Idalou]

A stroke or even a traumatic brain injury  can definitely alter a person's sense of humor, depending a lot on what part of the brain was damaged. If I remember correctly, the front right part of the brain controls humor, which is different than the language area. 

[DawnM]

11 minutes ago, Idalou said:

A stroke or even a traumatic brain injury  can definitely alter a person's sense of humor, depending a lot on what part of the brain was damaged. If I remember correctly, the front right part of the brain controls humor, which is different than the language area. 

Makes sense.   It is just so strange.   The tiktoks she sends me that she wants to share because she thinks they are so funny, are not my sense of humor at all (and weren't hers).   They tend to be more juvenile, making fun of people for falling or getting kicked in the crotch types.   

[Ottakee]

Can you use text or fb messenger to communicate?  Something that she could read and reread and respond when she can?   I would suggest in person visits but see that you live several states away.   Would it be any better with video chat where she can see you and your facial expressions, etc. and you can notice when her attention is gone?