Being asked to be reminded/responsible to remember someone's birthday

[Indigo Blue]

I have been asked by someone to remind them of someone else's upcoming birthday. This isn't the first time. I have mixed feelings. In this particular case, I don't want to, because if I forget to remind them, they will then say to me, "You didn't TELL me it was so and so's birthday!" With a tone in their voice. This person wants to be reminded because they say they are getting more forgetful, which is only partly true. On the other hand, they don't forget other important things they need to remember. They set timers for medication, and never forget an appointment. Work schedule goes on the calendar. This all wouldn't be so bad, but it's just that when they realize they forgot, there would be just a bit of under the surface anger toward me. I just don't want this, even if they will tend to forget. And yes, I do think it's kind of awful that they can keep certain things pretty much together, but want ME to remind them of upcoming birthdays.

There are situations where I may do this for someone, but even then, if I forget, it's kinda my fault. I think in general, I don't want to do that at all. If, in the scenario above, if I simply stated that I didn't want to remind them of someone's birthday, that in of itself would be enough for them to project negative vibes my way. So, I end up feeling that I'm being "mean" for not wanting to remind them. This is why I don't want to ever, ever start this long term. I may truly forget to remind them, and I just don't want to have to deal with all the weird emotions involved. 

So, it's hard to know that on a certain day it's someone's birthday, it's the end of the day, and knowing this person forgot. Then I have to wonder how long before they figure it out and say, "Oh no!!! You DIDN'T remind me!" I just want them to be responsible, and if they forget, oh well. I want these relationships to happen or not happen (all concerned parties are adults, not children) as they will, with my hand out of it..........mostly because of toxicity and things being made too complicated.

In my situation, do you think my thinking is justified? Generally speaking, how do you feel about being the one responible for reminding someone of a birthday?

I think it's kind of like my husband asking me to wake him up at a certain time, and, if I forget, he jumps up asking why didn't I wake him? I tend to not do that anymore, either. I don't like being blamed for things like this that really aren't my fault. 

But then I just want to make sure I'm not being a jerk. It's so darn confusing sometimes.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Does the person not have a calendar or post-it notes?  There is no reason why you should have to do this for even a forgetful adult. I would laugh, write the name and date on a post it note and say “there, I reminded you “. 

[Kassia]

I wouldn't want that responsibility and would feel awkward about the situation.  If this person is able to handle other parts of their life, it doesn't seem like they can't handle this.  Like @Jean in Newcastle mentioned - something as simple as a calendar or post-it notes would work rather than relying on you to do it for them.  

[El...]

😆😆😆 I'd howl with laughter. Remembering stuff is not my job or skillset. Really, I have to write down everything. I'd recommend person do something to remind himself.

[catz]

Is this a parent or in law or spouse that you otherwise have a good relationship with?  If so, I might just do it to keep the peace.  OR alternatively, I might ask if they want a tutorial how to set up birthdays on their calendar with reminders. 

If this were just about anyone else, unless I had an unusually close relationship with someone, I'd just say something like "I have to set my own calendar up, I doubt I'll remember.  But I recommend Google calendar (or whatever)."  

[Arcadia]

Birthdays go on the same calendar that the person use for appointments and work schedules. If the calendar is on a smart phone, he can always set a reminder alert weeks ahead for buying a gift and the day itself for calling the person. 
For my in-laws birthdays, I do remind my husband to wire transfer the money for his share of the cost to his siblings. 

[happi duck]

Definitely don't say yes if you don't want the responsibility.  I agree with others that you can suggest something like adding it to another system that already works.  They may not have thought of that.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I assume you are not this person's personal assistant, so yes, you are absolutely justified in feeling this way. As others have said, calendars are widely available. Phone reminders are free to set. If they want to remember something, that is their responsibility, not yours. Sheesh, I am mad on your behalf. 

[vonfirmath]

I do remind both my son and husband of certain things. (both with executive function difficulties) But particularly for my son, since I'm trying to help him set up for when I'm not around to remind him anymore, I'll say something like "I'll do my best to remember to tell you but I might forget so lets see if we can find a way for YOU to remember as well just in case I forget. Because you are the one who is going to suffer/miss out if you forget."

[SKL]

I think I'd say something like:  "I'm just as likely to forget.  Let's both put it on our calendars right now!"

One of my sisters used to send everyone a message when it was someone's birthday.  I am usually great at remembering birthdays, but there are times when I don't remember to wish the person at a logical time of day iykwim.  Still, I always got low-key irritated when I got my sister's text implying that I was more likely than she to forget a birthday.  😛

I don't think it should be anyone's responsibility.  Either a person remembers birthdays or they don't.  Exception being married couples.  IMO it is legitimate to break any responsibility down between two married people, as long as the responsible party accepts it.

I also don't think it's an unforgivable sin to forget a birthday of someone who isn't very close (like immediate family close).

[Tanaqui]

Unless you are that person's personal assistant, and you've been hired to do this job, then no, it's not unreasonable to say "That won't be possible. I can't remind you of things like this."

This person clearly understands how to add things to their planner or calendar, so let them do it.

Edit: If this is anybody you've posted about before, then add another +20 points in the "they're the unreasonable ones" column.

Edited February 10, 2022 by Tanaqui

[vonfirmath]

8 minutes ago, SKL said:

I think I'd say something like:  "I'm just as likely to forget.  Let's both put it on our calendars right now!"

One of my sisters used to send everyone a message when it was someone's birthday.  I am usually great at remembering birthdays, but there are times when I don't remember to wish the person at a logical time of day iykwim.  Still, I always got low-key irritated when I got my sister's text implying that I was more likely than she to forget a birthday.  😛

I don't think it should be anyone's responsibility.  Either a person remembers birthdays or they don't.  Exception being married couples.  IMO it is legitimate to break any responsibility down between two married people, as long as the responsible party accepts it.

I also don't think it's an unforgivable sin to forget a birthday of someone who isn't very close (like immediate family close).

Agreed. One of the ladies I work with at AWANA told me Sunday she has 28 great-grandchildren. And I was amazed (Wondering how she remembered all their birthdays etc -- but not wanting to be rude) but she volunteered she keeps all the dates in a calendar with her birthday cards and sits down weekly to send out birthday cards for each and every one of them. 

 

(As much as I wanted 4 kids and lots of grandchildren -- I do think I'd give myself grace/not set up the expectation of remembering them all in this case!)

Edited February 10, 2022 by vonfirmath

[Indigo Blue]

Deleted for privacy 

Edited February 11, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[mommyoffive]

3 minutes ago, vonfirmath said:

Agreed. One of the ladies I work with at AWANA told me Sunday she has 28 great-grandchildren. And I was amazed (Wondering how she remembered all their birthdays etc -- but not wanting to be rude) but she volunteered she keeps all the dates in a calendar with her birthday cards and sits down weekly to send out birthday cards for each and every one of them. 

 

(As much as I wanted 4 kids and lots of grandchildren -- I do think I'd give myself grace/not set up the expectation of remembering them all in this case!)

My grandma had 14 grandchildren, more than that great grandchildren (I can't remember how many she had when she died and they are still being born now) but she always remembered everyone's birthday.  Sent a card.  And everyone got the same amount of $$.  She even did this for her grandchildren's spouses.  She did anniversaries.  Everything.    She too was doing it on the calendar system.

[El...]

Aw, ok, if it was my mom I'd try.

I'd fail, but I'd wish I could.

[SKL]

To your last "clarify but don't quote" post:

I just think you should tell your children that grandma told you she has been forgetting things like birthdays, so don't feel badly if she doesn't remember to call you.

My folks still try to do things for my kids' birthdays (they are 15), but I don't think they should have to, and I've told them so.  I definitely don't expect them to continue this when my kids are adults.  They have enough to keep track of.

[mommyoffive]

I can't remember your history with her, but it sounds like there is some that isn't great.  

That is a different ballgame.

[Kassia]

If you have many reasons not to remind her, then just don't and let it go.  It's not your responsibility to remind her of her own grandchildren's birthdays.  If it's something you wanted to do because you wanted to help out your mom or you thought your kids would be hurt (my dd was devastated once when she was younger and in-laws forgot her birthday) than that would be different.

[alisoncooks]

I have a terrible memory myself, so I get it, but I still don’t like being in a position of “adulting” for another adult. 

Most likely, I’d offer to set up a shared phone calendar or show how to set alarms/notifications on the phone. Once those are in place, my role would be finished. The other adult would get their notifications and the ball would in their court. 

[Indigo Blue]

I think later today (shopping now) I will post some some backstory that I really should not post. I’ll delete it later. I really want to know if I’m justified, and if you know some more facts, you can better know where I’m coming from. 
 

I really appreciate all the replies. I’m reading all of them.

[Tiberia]

I would make a one-page printout of a year calendar, with every important birthday in the proper month with the day next to it. Tape it to her fridge, and then be done with it.

Example:

January:

1. Fred 1/13/1985
2. Aiden 1/20/2000

February:

1. Cicily 2/5/2002

March: No birthdays

April:

1. Wanda 4/17/1983

and so on...

We have a bunch of grandkids, and this is the only way to remember their birthdays and keep track of how old they are. 

If your relationship is strained with her, tell her you've done all you are willing to do, and she just needs to check the fridge.

If there are other factors involved, like narcissism and constant blaming, then I'd just say you're not willing to remind her of something she can do herself. 

Good luck with this. Sounds like there's more to the story than a simple request from her.

 

Edited February 10, 2022 by Tiberia

[mommyoffive]

Just sending a hug and letting you know you aren't alone.  

I have a nonexistent relationship with my mom now.  All the history dates back to my childhood that I can see more clearly now things were not normal.   She went through a phase where she didn't remember or do anything for my kids for their birthdays.   They are her only grandchildren and she would play the best grandparent role and then not even a phone call or card on their birthdays for years.  Not that I wanted her to give them anything, just call them.   It was upsetting to but for me I just had to let it go.  I couldn't force her to do things.   Now she is back to acknowledging them.    Obviously there is more to the story than just that.  

[Kassia]

4 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

Just sending a hug and letting you know you aren't alone.  

I have a nonexistent relationship with my mom now.  All the history dates back to my childhood that I can see more clearly now things were not normal.   She went through a phase where she didn't remember or do anything for my kids for their birthdays.   They are her only grandchildren and she would play the best grandparent role and then not even a phone call or card on their birthdays for years.  Not that I wanted her to give them anything, just call them.   It was upsetting to but for me I just had to let it go.  I couldn't force her to do things.   Now she is back to acknowledging them.    Obviously there is more to the story than just that.  

My in-laws did the same thing.  No involvement with my kids at all (and they only have one other grandchild, who was the favorite for a long time until she ghosted them as an adult) and would act and really believe they were the best grandparents ever.  It was so frustrating and they continually hurt my DH and kids over the years.  It would be hard for me to do anything nice for them at all (we're now in the situation of being caregivers for my widowed MIL, unfortunately).  

[EKS]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

Work schedule goes on the calendar.

I'm not sure why the birthday can't also go on the calendar.  Tell them that instead of reminding them, you'll help gather a list of the birthdays they want to remember and put them in the phone (or whatever calendar they use for work).

[wintermom]

The grandmother of my friend in Holland had a calendar just for birthdays. No days of the week, This was a permanent calendar that stayed the same year after year. Just add in new grandbabies, anniversaries, etc. as appropriate. This lady hung her birthday calendar on the back of the bathroom door so she could see it daily. 

Sounds like this might be helpful for your mom. https://www.amazon.ca/Birthday-Calendar-revised-Sandra-Boynton/dp/1523510722/ref=asc_df_1523510722/?tag=googleshopc0c-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=459435329492&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9078339418791615953&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9000685&hvtargid=pla-942385283262&psc=1

No, you should not have to reminder her. You have enough on your plate. If she misses a birthday here and there that's fine. Stuff happens. I'm sure her family know that she still loves them. 😊

Edited February 10, 2022 by wintermom

[Tanaqui]

Normally I'd tell you that you can help your mother set up her phone calendar so it gives her an automatic alert on somebody's birthday. That way she doesn't have to look at it.

But I do remember your other posts about her and I think she can sink or swim.

There is a very good chance that this isn't really about the birthdays anyway. It's an excuse to cause some drama with you.

[almondbutterandjelly]

If I am remembering correctly, much like me, you have been trained to do what this person wants.  Therefore, it feels really weird and kind of wrong when you don't want to, for any reason.  There is guilt, there might be meanness.  They will make it your fault that they forgot.  It's not.  You are correct to say no, or just to quietly not do it.  It is not your job to be that person's brain or calendar.  Healthy people don't behave like this person.  

Be strong.  

[Jaybee]

My mom (92 this year) announced a couple of weeks ago that she was no longer going to send birthday cards and money, that it was getting too difficult for her to keep up with. We told her that was perfectly all right. She told me privately that if she can, she may add that in to the Christmas money, but that Christmas is a lot easier to keep up with since it is everybody on one date.

Long ago, I was in some class or conference or something, and the leader mentioned that we should never ask someone else to remind us of something. That we are responsible for our own stuff, and we shouldn't put someone else in the position of doing that for us--it's not their job. I've never forgotten that, and don't do it. The exception would be that someone asks me to do something that directly benefits them, and I'm not in a position to help at that moment or to jot myself a reminder.

I do occasionally remind my dh of a special date, just to be helpful, or wake up ds for class because he is struggling with sleep issues right now. But in neither of those situations is it understood to be my responsibility to do so.

[gardenmom5]

can you help them set up a reminder on their phone/computer?  it's easy to do in the calendar.  and if they learn to do set up their own reminders they will be able to do so when they need to do it.

It's even easy to set up an auto-email to go out the day before (or whenever).

 

or perhaps - they really don't want to remember.

[saraha]

@Indigo Blue I think I remember some mom issues we’ve discussed before, and I don’t blame you one bit. I would chafe about that too. It sounds dumb on the surface but all those years of treatment by her tend to breed little rebellions. At least in me. This year my mom gave me a birthday card for dh, me and all the kids and then made it my task to dole them out. She tried that last year and I just gave them all out the day she gave them to me so I wouldn’t have to be in charge of them and that made her so mad. So this year she gave them to me at Christmas and said I want you to give these out on the first day of the month of their birthday and I’m going to call and check. So far we haven’t had any birthdays so not sure what I’m going to do with them…

Anyway, I totally get what you are feeling and I wouldn’t do it either.

[gardenmom5]

1 minute ago, Jaybee said:

My mom (92 this year) announced a couple of weeks ago that she was no longer going to send birthday cards and money, that it was getting too difficult for her to keep up with. We told her that was perfectly all right. She told me privately that if she can, she may add that in to the Christmas money, but that Christmas is a lot easier to keep up with since it is everybody on one date.

 

I know an older couple that just did something once a month for those who had a birthday that month, then they didn't need to deal with half a dozen different days in a given month

[Jean in Newcastle]

As someone else said, this isn't really about the birthday or the person's memory in this case.  Yes, as we age we can have a harder time remembering details but a reasonable person would ask for or accept help setting up a calendar app etc.  My elder sister was happy to help my 96 year old mom write and send out birthday cards because Mom's heart was still loving but old age made it so that she could no longer do it herself (there was some dementia involved as well).  But in this case it sounds like a game with the birthday grandkid as the "hostage" (to totally mix metaphors). 

[Jaybee]

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I know an older couple that just did something once a month for those who had a birthday that month, then they didn't need to deal with half a dozen different days in a given month

I suppose she could have done that, but since this was coming from her and she sounded done, we just agreed!😂 Besides, she doesn't really need to continue giving all of us money or spending it on cards.

[J-rap]

I think there are several one-time things you can do, and then leave it up to her if that feels right.

You can do as someone suggested above, like a one-page year calendar where you mark all the birthdays and tape it on her fridge.  Or just a list in order of calendar dates for her fridge.

You can also set up her phone or laptop to give her a calendar reminder each day.  

There's a site called memotome.com where you can set up an email reminder for anything.  You can set it up 5 days in advance, the day before, the day of, all three, however you want to do it.  You can also set it up for doing it yearly.

I help my dad remember his grandchildren's birthdays, but that's a different story.  He's 94 years old and independent, but he recently "lost" his wife and best friend of almost 70 years (she's alive but overnight lost all cognition and ability to function in a stroke, and is in a LTC facility).  He's trying to keep up with everything she used to do half of:  paying all the bills, remembering birthdays and anniversaries, figuring out Medicare and all that, keeping up doctor appointments, keeping up with online banking, sending out Christmas cards, checking in on old friends, and so much more.  Plus he spends every afternoon with my mother.  I'm happy to help him remember by calling a few days ahead of time and on the day of.   (I'd rather not bother him at all with it, and our kids sure wouldn't mind at all!  But I know it means a lot to him to wish them a happy birthday.  We also always include him in our in-person parties if they're in town.)

[Garga]

22 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

There is a very good chance that this isn't really about the birthdays anyway. It's an excuse to cause some drama with you.

In this particular case, the above is what I’m thinking. It’s another game to play with you as the loser. Another hoop to try to get you to jump through. I wouldn’t remind her.

Edited February 10, 2022 by Garga

[Katy]

Nope. You’ve got a calendar and a cell phone. This is in the not my problem category.

[Slache]

You're handling it perfectly. We don't need to know more. As others have said, it's her responsibility.

[HS Mom in NC]

Whether this is really about the birthday or not, people are responsible for keeping track of the birthdays they care about.  Assuming this isn't a cognitively impaired person you're legally responsible for, explicitly decline. 

Say something like:

"Why would you ask ME to do that? I can barely keep track of my own responsibilities."
" No, I'm not going to do that."
"How do you keep track of other important things? You can plug the birthday into that system."
"I only do that for my spouse and kids."
"No."

[OH_Homeschooler]

I feel like she's an adult, and your kids are adults. Your kids surely have an understanding of what she is like and not to take it personally if she flakes out. If they were younger and I was worried about them having hurt feelings, then I might remind her for that reason only. But they are adults, therefore old enough to form their own opinions of her based on her behaviors. 

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Okay, I’ll clarify a bit, but please don’t quote this post!

 

I'll be the dissenter here.

I would just remind her. She asked you to remind her so she doesn't forget and hurt anyone's feelings by missing their birthdays. 

Honestly, it seems petty to purposefully not remind her, especially when this is your own kid's birthday. It's not like she's asking you to remind her of the birthday of your distant cousin who you've only met twice, so you'd have to go out of your way to put the date on your own calendar and then remember to tell your mom about it. This is a date you will absolutely always remember, so it's not a hardship for you to remind your mother of it.

I know you and your mom have issues, and I know she is very difficult, but this is your own kid's birthday, so how hard is it to give your mom a quick call and remind her? This seems like you're testing her or something, and if she is used to you reminding her of these things, I wouldn't really blame her for being annoyed if you don't call her today. 

Ok, I'm ready, everybody. Start throwing the tomatoes at me! 😉 

Edited February 10, 2022 by Catwoman
Edited to remove the quote because it says right there, PLEASE DON'T QUOTE THIS POST!

[Kassia]

14 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

Ok, I'm ready, everybody. Start throwing the tomatoes at me! 😉 

No tomatoes!  I think it's great that you provided a different perspective.  Even if I don't agree with it, I see your point.

[QueenCat]

My mom would need reminders. She had a very hard time the last few years of her life remembering to use her calendar or losing track of days. It was for my kids benefit to get that call from Grandma. She'd usually send gifts on time because my sister would remind her about two weeks out and take her shopping. 

[HS Mom in NC]

19 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I'll be the dissenter here.

I know you and your mom have issues, and I know she is very difficult, but this is your own kid's birthday, so how hard is it to give your mom a quick call and remind her? This seems like you're testing her or something, and if she is used to you reminding her of these things, I wouldn't really blame her for being annoyed if you don't call her today. 

Ok, I'm ready, everybody. Start throwing the tomatoes at me! 😉 

Because it's a trap. I don't recommend people walk into traps.  Walking into a trap for the "sake of a kid's feelings" is being manipulated into sticking around for the toxic sludge dump that can potentially with it. That's exactly how manipulators work. Kids of all ages can be told in a way they can understand that an extended family member must be kept at a distance for the sake of everyone's sanity. The phrasing varies by developmental level and personality. The kid can have a great birthday without an extended relative acknowledging it.

Also, grown ups keep track of their own stuff.  This isn't a marriage situation where couples divide up shared responsibilities. Infantalizing competent people demeans everyone involved.

[sgo95]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I really want to know if I’m justified

I think you are. Don't remind your mom if you don't feel good about it. You don't need to provide a reason for other people to approve of what you need to do to maintain your mental health.

 

36 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I know you and your mom have issues, and I know she is very difficult, but this is your own kid's birthday, so how hard is it to give your mom a quick call and remind her? This seems like you're testing her or something, and if she is used to you reminding her of these things, I wouldn't really blame her for being annoyed if you don't call her today. 

I think what @Indigo Blue deals with is not what you're thinking. For example, my mom and I have issues. We have values that are poles apart and I have some abandonment issues from what she did in my childhood. We currently have a cordial relationship in which I would happily remind her about my kids' birthdays. However, my mom is not toxic or manipulative and respects me as my own person.  From what I remember, Indigo's mom is different story and Indigo is still trying to heal and have a healthy sense of boundaries.

Edited February 10, 2022 by sgo95

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, sgo95 said:

I think what @Indigo Blue deals with is not what you're thinking. For example, my mom and I have issues. We have values that are poles apart and I have some abandonment issues from what she did in my childhood. We currently have a cordial relationship in which I would happily remind her about my kids' birthdays. However, my mom is not toxic or manipulative and respects me as my own person.  From what I remember, Indigo's mom is different story and Indigo is still trying to heal and have a healthy sense of boundaries.

I can understand that. I'm also thinking, though, that it's important to pick your battles, and this one isn't worth the drama because it's such an easy thing to do, and is literally no inconvenience whatsoever for Indigo Blue to remind her mom of her own kid's birthday. 

If Indigo had posted and said the day had passed and she had forgotten all about reminding her mom, and now her mom is annoyed about it, I would have said that it wasn't her responsibility to remember things for her mom, so she shouldn't feel guilty -- but as it is, she remembers that her mom asked to be reminded, and is intentionally not doing it, just because she wants to prove a point. That seems petty to me. I know everyone else disagrees, but that's how I see it.

[Corraleno]

19 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

If Indigo had posted and said the day had passed and she had forgotten all about reminding her mom, and now her mom is annoyed about it, I would have said that it wasn't her responsibility to remember things for her mom, so she shouldn't feel guilty -- but as it is, she remembers that her mom asked to be reminded, and is intentionally not doing it, just because she wants to prove a point. That seems petty to me. I know everyone else disagrees, but that's how I see it.

But her mom was very aware of the date a few days ago, and is almost certainly aware of the date now. She doesn't want a reminder, she wants to test how much she can continue to jerk Indigo's chain, and she figures it's a win-win for her either way: if Indigo reminds her then that proves Indigo will still do her bidding, and if Indigo doesn't remind her then she can play the martyr and tell Indigo what a terrible, selfish person she is that she wouldn't do this one simple little thing to ensure that her son's birthday was acknowledged by his own grandmother.

As HS Mom said, it's a trap, and the healthiest thing Indigo can do is refuse to walk into it. When her mom insists she should have reminded her, she should say "that's not my job, you have a calendar and you knew the date." Toxic, abusive narcissists rely on the support of people who have never dealt with such a relationship and will unknowingly contribute to gaslighting the victim by siding with the NPD parent that the victim was wrong not to do some "simple little thing" that most people would do for a parent. What may look "petty" to outsiders is actually the establishment of boundaries that are absolutely necessary to the mental health of the victim.

[SKL]

Am I the only person who would feel icky reminding my mom to do something for my adult child's birthday?

Doesn't it feel like "Mom, you are expected to do something extra for my grown-up kid," and isn't that icky?

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Corraleno said:

But her mom was very aware of the date a few days ago, and is almost certainly aware of the date now. She doesn't want a reminder, she wants to test how much she can continue to jerk Indigo's chain, and she figures it's a win-win for her either way: if Indigo reminds her then that proves Indigo will still do her bidding, and if Indigo doesn't remind her then she can play the martyr and tell Indigo what a terrible, selfish person she is that she wouldn't do this one simple little thing to ensure that her son's birthday was acknowledged by his own grandmother.

As HS Mom said, it's a trap, and the healthiest thing Indigo can do is refuse to walk into it. When her mom insists she should have reminded her, she should say "that's not my job, you have a calendar and you knew the date." Toxic, abusive narcissists rely on the support of people who have never dealt with such a relationship and will unknowingly contribute to gaslighting the victim by siding with the NPD parent that the victim was wrong not to do some "simple little thing" that most people would do for a parent. What may look "petty" to outsiders is actually the establishment of boundaries that are absolutely necessary to the mental health of the victim.

I guess my question, then, is how Indigo responded when her mom asked for the reminder. Did she tell her mom she would remind her, or did she say that she wouldn't be doing that for her?

If she said she would remind her, I think she should keep her word, and if she said she wouldn't do it, then that's a different story. And if she didn't respond at all and quickly changed the subject, I guess we could say that she could go either way with it, but my feeling is still that this is such an easy thing to do, that it's not worth creating drama over it. If Indigo wants to maintain any kind of positive relationship with her mother, this doesn't seem like a hill to die on. 

I know I'm in the minority here, but I'm sticking with what I said. Obviously, Indigo can ignore me completely!  🙂 

[Kassia]

7 minutes ago, SKL said:

Am I the only person who would feel icky reminding my mom to do something for my adult child's birthday?

Doesn't it feel like "Mom, you are expected to do something extra for my grown-up kid," and isn't that icky?

I think it depends on the relationship.  In a healthy relationship where the reminder was requested, I think it would be fine.  

[Catwoman]

Just now, Kassia said:

I think it depends on the relationship.  In a healthy relationship where the reminder was requested, I think it would be fine.  

It seems that many of the people here wouldn't even consider it to be fine in a healthy relationship. I find that so odd, because people do little favors like that for each other all the time. I don't always remember every last little thing I'm supposed to do, and I have been guilty of asking my dh or my ds to remind me of something here and there, and I had no idea that anyone would think I was an irresponsible adult for doing so. I do the same favors for them, and I never think twice about it.

I'm still wondering how Indigo replied to her mom. I would retract everything I said if Indigo told us that she'd told her mom that she wouldn't be able to remind her of the birthday. But if she didn't refuse, I think the mom would be right to expect the reminder, because she would assume that Indigo would keep her word.