Curious your thoughts (teens in YouTube videos, etc)

[heartlikealion]

Curious your thoughts about your OWN teen showing themselves on video (YouTube, TikTok, or any other public forum).

I have a strained relationship with my son and my push for him to remain off camera has done us no favors. I am at the point where maybe I just throw my hands up in the air and say well if he's going to do it anyway, maybe help him cultivate better content (or remain neutral as opposed to trying to get him to stop). 

I had him watch a few minutes of Undercover Underage with me (WARNING: it gets more intense than I expected. I didn't even finish the first episode). I have a cheap Discovery+ deal right now, but you can access the show on Amazon Prime as well. My goal was to show him how I feel as a parent, worried about my child in regards to pervs. 

Dad said he'd talk to me about it more so we can try to get on the same page but meanwhile ds thinks he has dad's approval to do this so... so much for united front.

I am not going to say there's a right or wrong answer. I do really think it is such a personal decision. Just curious your thoughts about how your family approaches this. 

 

[alisoncooks]

Mine are 15 and 13 (girls). I’m pretty permissive when it comes to screens and content…but I do not allow them to post videos anywhere. I do allow them to video chat with friends on discord and such. 

[Sneezyone]

I pick my battles. DD is 17 and in a year I will have exactly zero control over that. Our emphasis was always and only on developing good judgment and discretion not prohibition. Oldest has some random tik toks with cheer friends and duck face photos with animal filters. All harmless, no screeds or anything provocative. I’m OK with that. It will age well and look like the harmless fun that it was. DS has nothing. When they were younger, they wanted to start a YouTube channel. I have no regrets about putting a halt to that. They're amazing and it would have been hilarious but, no.

Edited February 2, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Spryte]

What worked for us won’t work for you, in your shoes, necessarily. We did zero online presence until kids were/are adults. No SM, no pics posted by us or anyone else. We want them to have a blank slate, as adults, for many reasons. Pervs are one reason, there are many more.
 

I don’t mind if they chat with IRL friends, play games, make/share art with their IRL friends, whatever. But no posting pics or videos of themselves.

 

Our one exception is that DS was interviewed at a major event by actual journalists, from reputable news sources. DD was photographed as well, along with her bestie.

 

ETA: by 16/17, this was DS’s choice, too, or we’d have been rethinking it.

Edited February 2, 2022 by Spryte

[heartlikealion]

My son's only hobby is YouTube and he was CRUSHED when he didn't get monetized because his content was not original. He ticked all the boxes (hours logged, subscribers) but he was mostly editing existing music and we kept telling him to do something more unique, more of his own. Eventually he started making some other content and I found out when I saw a public video of him online (left my laptop open to his channel or something). I didn't even want him to have a TikTok account and when I first discovered it I was like what no, he shouldn't be on TikTok. Then it was all it's no big deal, he barely uses it and he's just viewing videos, not making them. But I think he's made one since. I can't remember. 

There's really not much way to monitor this anyway even if I was going to try to. 

[SounderChick]

They post pics and videos of their projects and they are occasionally shown.  They don't share/ show any identifying info.  

[Sneezyone]

7 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

My son's only hobby is YouTube and he was CRUSHED when he didn't get monetized because his content was not original. He ticked all the boxes (hours logged, subscribers) but he was mostly editing existing music and we kept telling him to do something more unique, more of his own. Eventually he started making some other content and I found out when I saw a public video of him online (left my laptop open to his channel or something). I didn't even want him to have a TikTok account and when I first discovered it I was like what no, he shouldn't be on TikTok. Then it was all it's no big deal, he barely uses it and he's just viewing videos, not making them. But I think he's made one since. I can't remember. 

There's really not much way to monitor this anyway even if I was going to try to. 

If he is REALLY good and enjoys the work, my emphasis would be different, helping him develop content he would/could be proud of later. Social media is a business and many people make their living that way. Think about the stupid stuff those California boys turned boxers did. That’s the kinda thing I’d push him to avoid. It’s not all bad. Both of my kids enjoy YouTube celebrity content, from Cory Kenxin to this one LA family of four/five with kids to a lesbian couple in the UK. There’s good stuff too.

Edited February 2, 2022 by Sneezyone

[heartlikealion]

3 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

If he is REALLY good and enjoys the work, my emphasis would be different, helping him develop content he would/could be proud of later. Social media is a business and many people make their living that way. Think about the stupid stuff those California boy turned boxers did. That’s the kinda thing I’d push him to avoid. It’s not all bad.

He wants to post goofy, silly things and we had a whole discussion including Dad about how, "think about it... this could follow you into adulthood. Do you want to go to a job interview and be known as the guy who ate lettuce?" (I felt like he was mimicking another YouTuber that gets views for just eating onions on camera all the time?) and ds was like, "sure." LOL I am not familiar with the story you referenced. What should I google? I don't think I got the right results. 

I think his biggest YouTube idol is Mr. Beast. I don't agree with all of Mr Beast's methods... but ds says that Mr Beast takes a lot of his profit and turns it back into good (ie. planting trees, donating food). Now the guy has his own chocolate and he's doing a Willy Wonka type game with it. That chocolate is outrageously expensive. Like Mr Beast has videos where he's openly giving away things to people and I say why film that... you don't have to film every act of kindness. But ds says well the videos get views and generate more income and then he can do more. This may be true, but when YouTube/Facebook etc is used to highlight good deeds sometimes it's cringy. Especially if you are showcasing a homeless person. 

[SKL]

My girls are 15.  Until about age 14, I had and enforced strict rules about posting photos of anyone on the internet / social media.  I must admit I don't really police this any more.  We have periodic talks to remind them about dangers.  At the moment, I have no reason to believe they are doing anything dangerous.  But I always reserve the right to pull the technology / social media if I find out anything.

My girls tend to police each other somewhat.

[thewellerman]

My kids also have zero sm, excepting discord.  They know how we feel about it, and also know the many reasons, but I think the most important thing we've done is simply to keep them too busy.  My kids have so many things filling their time, they don't have a desire for sm anyway.  It struck me when you said it is his only hobby.  It is more concerning to me that maybe he is trying to meet an unfilled need through getting likes, or hoping to make money to avoid a proper education.  I might be totally off on that feeling, but either way, I think finding better things to crowd out unwanted hobbies is probably better than confrontation at this point. 

[Sneezyone]

13 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He wants to post goofy, silly things and we had a whole discussion including Dad about how, "think about it... this could follow you into adulthood. Do you want to go to a job interview and be known as the guy who ate lettuce?" (I felt like he was mimicking another YouTuber that gets views for just eating onions on camera all the time?) and ds was like, "sure." LOL I am not familiar with the story you referenced. What should I google? I don't think I got the right results. 

I think his biggest YouTube idol is Mr. Beast. I don't agree with all of Mr Beast's methods... but ds says that Mr Beast takes a lot of his profit and turns it back into good (ie. planting trees, donating food). Now the guy has his own chocolate and he's doing a Willy Wonka type game with it. That chocolate is outrageously expensive. Like Mr Beast has videos where he's openly giving away things to people and I say why film that... you don't have to film every act of kindness. But ds says well the videos get views and generate more income and then he can do more. This may be true, but when YouTube/Facebook etc is used to highlight good deeds sometimes it's cringy. Especially if you are showcasing a homeless person. 

The boys my kids used to watch were the Paul boys, Logan and?? They did some crazy, destructive things. Lots of stuff on YouTube is stupid IMO but they’re not creating for my demo. 🤷🏽‍♀️A new demo always gives rise to new media and talent. As opposed to don’t do x… maybe point out some alternatives. I think DD watched Rosie and Rose? Also this family that uses Pro-pak/pack as their tag…there are plenty other adult role models. To be successful, you have to create your own niche…mentor the creativity.

Edited February 2, 2022 by Sneezyone

[catz]

The no media approach would not have worked here.  Both DH and I have software engineering backgrounds and we use a lot of technology.  BUT, they were allowed to ramp up technology and social in a very stepwise way with a lot of hands on involvement.  As homeschooled kids, they communicate with friends via texting or snap chat, etc.  We have always followed our kid's social media though now that the youngest is 17, I don't very closely anymore but she doesn't care if I do.  Technology always in the main areas of the house.  To this day, my kids charge their phones on the charging dock we have set up in our dining room out of habit, they rarely take laptops or phones to bedrooms.  That only shifted a little during covid when at the beginning there were times when we'd have like 3 zoom meetings running at once.  

The way we talked about it is don't put anything out on social media or the internet you wouldn't want your grandmother, your future college or your future employer to see.  My kids got what was acceptable talking about it in these terms pretty quickly.  Even if you are texting with a friend, that can be captured and reshared and kids can do this without malicious intent because they are learning.  Or private videos can be screen snapped and reshared.  So it doesn't really matter if you think you are posting publicly vs privately.

If you are trying to get something workable with the ex, I think asking that technology stay within view and docked in a public space and talking about posting things that won't come back to bite you later is wise.

[heartlikealion]

9 minutes ago, thewellerman said:

My kids also have zero sm, excepting discord.  They know how we feel about it, and also know the many reasons, but I think the most important thing we've done is simply to keep them too busy.  My kids have so many things filling their time, they don't have a desire for sm anyway.  It struck me when you said it is his only hobby.  It is more concerning to me that maybe he is trying to meet an unfilled need through getting likes, or hoping to make money to avoid a proper education.  I might be totally off on that feeling, but either way, I think finding better things to crowd out unwanted hobbies is probably better than confrontation at this point. 

BINGO. That is what I'm trying to address, too... he says he wants the money... but I think it's more than that. It's his only outlet right now. We (ds and I) have a new group therapist we're going to start seeing this week. I had a consult with him already and told him I want my son to make real friends (he says he has none at school) and we live in such an isolated area (hardly anything to do and the one sport he was super keen on was not run well and did not provide any companionship as he was the only boy at practice. Long story) during an isolated time (pandemic) that it's hard. 

So yes, I think cultivating other activities/friendships will help. I don't even like discord really but that's because his one friend on there cusses and I've had to tell him to tell his friend to knock it off. And meanwhile dd is starting to type messages in her games and I'm like wait what? Are you talking to people??? They don't give out any identifying info but they want to make friends on the server. If it wasn't for the pandemic I would be more apt to invite people over. 

[heartlikealion]

One of my roles is social media editor and I film livestreams sometimes and am hoping I can find a healthy way to share our interest. I recently brought a stand for my cell phone and my goal is to (hopefully) this weekend upload some of my DIY stuff to my YouTube channel. I am not sure how I feel about having him in videos on my own channel but that may be something that would work too (ie. one of my reviews. Review a product together). 

[Sneezyone]

4 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

One of my roles is social media editor and I film livestreams sometimes and am hoping I can find a healthy way to share our interest. I recently brought a stand for my cell phone and my goal is to (hopefully) this weekend upload some of my DIY stuff to my YouTube channel. I am not sure how I feel about having him in videos on my own channel but that may be something that would work too (ie. one of my reviews. Review a product together). 

This, honestly, sounds like a better compromise. Sharing his interest and helping develop/channel it constructively. Yes, encourage and support other activities. IJS. I don’t know any teen that would respond well to an immediate and sudden prohibition, especially if you have a social media channel yourself. It would smack, to them, of hypocrisy no matter how you use it.

[gardenmom5]

Sometimes, it's just explaining the realities/dangers and how to do so safely.  Compromising with a set of rules to keep him safe.  And so he understands, sometimes it's not just themselves they are putting at risk.

[fairfarmhand]

16 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

One of my roles is social media editor and I film livestreams sometimes and am hoping I can find a healthy way to share our interest. I recently brought a stand for my cell phone and my goal is to (hopefully) this weekend upload some of my DIY stuff to my YouTube channel. I am not sure how I feel about having him in videos on my own channel but that may be something that would work too (ie. one of my reviews. Review a product together). 

I think that is a great compromise. 

[BusyMom5]

Age matters- big difference between say 13 and 17.  I had one that really wanted a YT channel so we came up with a list of rules and she has followed them.  I think she was 14?

1.  No controversial content- everything family friendly.

2.  No showing her face.   She does show her hands, but she's been very creative about interacting without showing her face while talking.  

3.  I had to approve of everything posted.  

Its been 2 years, and she is still making original content.  She never broke my rules either- which is probably rare.  She's a really good kid and we talked extensively about safety.  Another thing is that her content is directed towards younger girls, so all her comments are very nice and encouraging.  The entire genre she watches is all crafty, creative, and kind.

One other thought I had when reading- my DD does want to monetize her channel and she has lots of followers  but not enough.  If he has that many followers,  I wonder at his online interactions.  Definitely something to keep track of.  It can become like a big popularity contest.  Thats part of the toxicity.  We told ours that content matters, not the number of followers.  Shes fine with that, but I know some kids can really get sucked into the count and compromise rules to gain followers.  He also doesn't sound like he is aware of piracy rules.  

In your situation I dont know what the right answer is.  If Dad really is on board and not willing to monitor,  then you need to monitor.   Follow him on all his social media and let him know when he's breaking rules.   

[kirstenhill]

When my kids were much younger, they really liked making silly videos of them acting out different stories they created, showing how to build something with legos, or things like "The top ten ways to laugh" or "The top ten ways to faint" -- it would just been them acting out each of ten ways to do those things.  They put varying amounts of time into editing and producing them, but I would then upload them to a youtube channel attached to my username so we could share with friends/family.  I wasn't concerned about their faces being visible because there was no identifying information in the videos.  Most of them have like, 10 views.   Randomly, one video has 9,000 views though, which was pretty surprising.  Then for about a year in middle school my DD had a stop motion video channel of her own on youtube, but she was too busy to continue that hobby in high school.   She got very few views or comments.  None of my kids ever have had any desire to "be a youtuber" or monetize their content or anything like that -- it was really just a way to share fun/hobby projects.    My teens have zero interest in TikTok, and only my DD has any social media, of which she mostly uses IG to share artwork and to sometimes share other photos with friends.    DS14 has no desire to try any kind of social media...LOL.  I've always followed my DD's social media accounts pretty closely, but she has never come anywhere near anything problematic. 

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, Sneezyone said:

This, honestly, sounds like a better compromise. Sharing his interest and helping develop/channel it constructively. Yes, encourage and support other activities. IJS. I don’t know any teen that would respond well to an immediate and sudden prohibition, especially if you have a social media channel yourself. It would smack, to them, of hypocrisy no matter how you use it.

I have hardly used it (just a couple people are subscribed) and he encouraged me to post. But then I also sorta became interested in it myself more recently. The age thing is what I always told him (Dad let him set up the Facebook and TikTok and I think he had just turned 13 or did so at age 12 and I was upset I wasn't involved in that conversation. Just boom, there he is on SM). 

[heartlikealion]

42 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

Age matters- big difference between say 13 and 17.  I had one that really wanted a YT channel so we came up with a list of rules and she has followed them.  I think she was 14?

1.  No controversial content- everything family friendly.

2.  No showing her face.   She does show her hands, but she's been very creative about interacting without showing her face while talking.  

3.  I had to approve of everything posted.  

Its been 2 years, and she is still making original content.  She never broke my rules either- which is probably rare.  She's a really good kid and we talked extensively about safety.  Another thing is that her content is directed towards younger girls, so all her comments are very nice and encouraging.  The entire genre she watches is all crafty, creative, and kind.

One other thought I had when reading- my DD does want to monetize her channel and she has lots of followers  but not enough.  If he has that many followers,  I wonder at his online interactions.  Definitely something to keep track of.  It can become like a big popularity contest.  Thats part of the toxicity.  We told ours that content matters, not the number of followers.  Shes fine with that, but I know some kids can really get sucked into the count and compromise rules to gain followers.  He also doesn't sound like he is aware of piracy rules.  

In your situation I dont know what the right answer is.  If Dad really is on board and not willing to monitor,  then you need to monitor.   Follow him on all his social media and let him know when he's breaking rules.   

That's the problem. He's only 13. But it's getting no where asking him not to show his face. It has pushed him away even more. I am feeling like "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" at this point. Sigh. 

At least he had some logical arguments. He said basically if a perv watches my channel I can delete inappropriate comments/ignore, and they aren't coming to my house. I'm not giving out my address. 

[Catwoman]

5 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

That's the problem. He's only 13. But it's getting no where asking him not to show his face. It has pushed him away even more. I am feeling like "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" at this point. Sigh. 

At least he had some logical arguments. He said basically if a perv watches my channel I can delete inappropriate comments/ignore, and they aren't coming to my house. I'm not giving out my address. 

If he’s filming outdoors near your home or your dh’s home, he might as well be giving out his address, especially if the front of the house, the house number, and /or a mailbox with the street address is visible. Ditto if he films by a window and it’s easy to see the neighbors’ houses. 

Teens often don’t realize how easy it is to figure out where someone lives by watching a bunch of their videos and listening closely to their commentary. 

[Soror]

I think you are going to have to compromise with your limited control and already strained relationship. I'd focus on engaging with him so you can have more input and keep an eye on what he is doing. I think the collaborative approach is a great idea. Keep on throwing out tips for safety for him. If it's possible I'd see if you can work with your xh to establish some rules for him that you can both agree on.  

[Melissa Louise]

When ds wanted to do a YouTube unboxing Pokemon thing, I made him keep it private, because he was onscreen. He just shared the link with friends. 

He later had a Minecraft channel for a while - screen + voice - I'm pretty sure I didn't make him keep it private, because I wasn't so fussed about his voice being out there.

He lost interest after a while, so it wasn't an ongoing negotiation. He was 11/12 at the time. 

 

[heartlikealion]

He currently has 3 channels. He branched out because his main channel got denied monetization. I just went through the thumbnails of the videos and it appears he's only visible on a couple. There are no identifying things (filmed indoors, not in front of house, etc). The other videos are gaming videos (images from the game) and music remixes (images from the artist or music video or such). 

I also read through some comments and there's nothing bad. I think most are written by kids. They say things like "lol" or "pog" (which is one of their slang words for cool). 

[Sneezyone]

49 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

If he’s filming outdoors near your home or your dh’s home, he might as well be giving out his address, especially if the front of the house, the house number, and /or a mailbox with the street address is visible. Ditto if he films by a window and it’s easy to see the neighbors’ houses. 

Teens often don’t realize how easy it is to figure out where someone lives by watching a bunch of their videos and listening closely to their commentary. 

These are all issues that can be addressed separate from an outright ban. I wouldn’t have allowed this at that age but dad did and here they are. I kinda feel like diminishing the forbidden fruit aspect might not only reduce friction but also reduce the appeal.

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

These are all issues that can be addressed separate from an outright ban. I wouldn’t have allowed this at that age but dad did and here they are. I kinda feel like diminishing the forbidden fruit aspect might not only reduce friction but also reduce the appeal.

I agree! I’m not in favor of an outright ban , either!  🙂 

[Melissa Louise]

The gaming videos and the music mixes wouldn't worry me too much. Sounds like school friends are commenting, maybe? 

I think I remember I made ds use a pseudonym, and we talked about not filming anything identifying him or where he lived. 

I think it would be reasonable to allow him to continue, because it's a fun hobby, and the risks are quite small and can be managed. I'd just subscribe to his videos and keep an eye on them, and on the comments. 

 

[heartlikealion]

7 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

The gaming videos and the music mixes wouldn't worry me too much. Sounds like school friends are commenting, maybe? 

I think I remember I made ds use a pseudonym, and we talked about not filming anything identifying him or where he lived. 

I think it would be reasonable to allow him to continue, because it's a fun hobby, and the risks are quite small and can be managed. I'd just subscribe to his videos and keep an eye on them, and on the comments. 

 

I don’t know if any are from classmates but I know some are from other Youtubers (they subscribe to each other) or probably kids from a gaming server where he shared his channel. 

His computer is in the communal area of the house at Dad’s and when he visits me he uses my laptop (in the living room) since his school banned so much on his school chromebook. He can view YouTube but not upload from his school computer so he doesn’t use it much anymore. 

[itsheresomewhere]

DD has discord and Instagram.  She is starting a YouTube channel show how she does her art pieces.  My DS has the above along with a YouTube channel.  He has never shown his face as that is what I prefer.  We are careful to embrace these platforms as they will continue to be part of their lives.  I wanted them to learn how to do it safely.  One of our relatives is huge on YouTube and that has been a unique lesson on even as an adult things can go weird in seconds.  He was one of the ones a few years ago who had the police called on him saying they were being held hostage and such. 

Edited February 2, 2022 by itsheresomewhere

[Melissa Louise]

Another way to look at is that it's better for teens to be producing content than just consuming it. One is creative and skills are learned, the other not.so much.