Dad update

[DawnM]

I am having to clean out his fridge and parts of his room weekly.   Otherwise, he drinks sour milk, eats rancid food, and spills and it gets gross.   I now just toss perishables that are over a week old, and start new.

Today we had church in the living room, as we have been doing, but he started in again on wanting to GO to church.   When I grew up, we went every time the doors opened.  He hates not going.   But, when he does go, he takes 20 min. to get to the bathroom and into the service after we get there.   Then we go in, he promptly falls asleep in his wheelchair, then loudly says he wants to go the bathroom, which is another 20 min. fiasco.   Then we come back in and it is end of service.   There is NO POINT in going.   But for him there is.

Today he said to me,  (and just pretend my last name is Jones)

"What is the name of the wife of that boy?"   
What boy dad?

You know, the one with Tommy, Steve, and Darrin?

Me:  Tommy JONES?   Your nephew?   As in Tommy, Steve, and Dalton?   (there is no Darrin)

Him:   Yes, doesn't Tommy have a wife?

Me:   Yes dad, her name is Allison

Sigh, he can't even remember the names of his nephews, but even more so, he couldn't remember their last name, which is the SAME as his!

[scholastica]

Elder care is hard. I do think I would try to take him a couple of times a month. It must be fulfilling a need for him to be so insistent. 

[happi duck]

What denomination?  Would a clergy visit and at home communion help?

(hugs)

[DawnM]

2 minutes ago, happi duck said:

What denomination?  Would a clergy visit and at home communion help?

(hugs)

No, he wants the "fellowship of believers" even though he fellowships with no one when he goes these days.  

He doesn't care about denomination as much as it being a protestant church that is fairly conservative.

[kbutton]

Hugs. I can understand both sides of the going or not going. I felt that way when my kids were little sometimes, especially while breastfeeding. It is probably extra hard now with all the shifting going on in churches due to pandemic rules. 

It probably still feels good to him. 

[Faith-manor]

36 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I am having to clean out his fridge and parts of his room weekly.   Otherwise, he drinks sour milk, eats rancid food, and spills and it gets gross.   I now just toss perishables that are over a week old, and start new.

Today we had church in the living room, as we have been doing, but he started in again on wanting to GO to church.   When I grew up, we went every time the doors opened.  He hates not going.   But, when he does go, he takes 20 min. to get to the bathroom and into the service after we get there.   Then we go in, he promptly falls asleep in his wheelchair, then loudly says he wants to go the bathroom, which is another 20 min. fiasco.   Then we come back in and it is end of service.   There is NO POINT in going.   But for him there is.

Today he said to me,  (and just pretend my last name is Jones)

"What is the name of the wife of that boy?"   
What boy dad?

You know, the one with Tommy, Steve, and Darrin?

Me:  Tommy JONES?   Your nephew?   As in Tommy, Steve, and Dalton?   (there is no Darrin)

Him:   Yes, doesn't Tommy have a wife?

Me:   Yes dad, her name is Allison

Sigh, he can't even remember the names of his nephews, but even more so, he couldn't remember their last name, which is the SAME as his!

That is hard. I have no soothing words, but I do encourage you to not put yourself through the Sunday rigamarole. Elder care is crazy hard, and making it worse simply because the elder will not embrace the reality of the work involved for.caregivers is not acceptable. Stay strong. Do not make your weekends that much more exhausting and frustrating.

Hugs!

[katilac]

It's hard. 

I would probably decide what is practical as far as how often I could get him to church, and then stick to that schedule, whether it's every other week or once a month. You can mark the dates on the calendar. When he says he wants to go to church, you can say, yes, dad, we'll be going to church very soon, on the 15th. It's on the calendar. This week we have church at home, and next week we go out to church. That relieves you of the mental burden of going back and forth with him about attending; sometimes it's great to make a decision and quit thinking about it all the time. 

I wouldn't worry about any of the other stuff. God doesn't care if he asks to go the bathroom in His home, lol. And manage it however is easiest. If it works best for someone to stay home with the little one, do that. If it's easier to have all hands on deck to help with dad, then do that. 

 

[katilac]

Back with another thought: ask the church for help. Most churches have a ministry, formal or informal, that both gets people to and from church plus helps them as needed in the service. 

[Katy]

I’m sorry. That’s hard. 

[DawnM]

35 minutes ago, katilac said:

Back with another thought: ask the church for help. Most churches have a ministry, formal or informal, that both gets people to and from church plus helps them as needed in the service. 

He would literally need a 1:1 caregiver.   He can't hear worth beans, refuses to wear a hearing aid, says they don't work, and so when he asks questions, he can't hear the answers.

DH and I are working on some sort of plan.   We may do the every other week thing and just find a church that we won't really connect with, but we can take him.

[DawnM]

I do wonder if any of the local retirement centers have a service he could join.   I may call around.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

6 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I do wonder if any of the local retirement centers have a service he could join.   I may call around.

I was going to suggest this.  I am sure it’s probably harder with Covid rules, but the nursing homes in my area all have church services. In previous times the public was able to attend, though I don’t think many people did.

[Kassia]

10 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I do wonder if any of the local retirement centers have a service he could join.   I may call around.

I hope that works out.  

[Catwoman]

This may be a stupid question, but have you had your dad checked for a urinary or kidney infection? He seems to be going downhill pretty quickly, and I'm wondering if there could be a physical cause for at least some of his memory issues.

[DawnM]

10 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

This may be a stupid question, but have you had your dad checked for a urinary or kidney infection? He seems to be going downhill pretty quickly, and I'm wondering if there could be a physical cause for at least some of his memory issues.

Yes, he went to the doctor a month ago and everything checked out.

He has deteriorated quickly since the fall.

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

Yes, he went to the doctor a month ago and everything checked out.

He has deteriorated quickly since the fall.

We were told that the beginning of falling was the beginning of accelerating decline. So it seems like he’s following that course. 
 

One thing the social workers told me, specifically with an elder with dementia, was that my job was to keep this person safe, sheltered, fed and medical/personal care needs met. They told me I was not obligated to provide entertainment, it was kind if I could but shouldn’t feel bad if I couldn’t. In your shoes, I think if your dad was wanting to go in person to the church congregation he’d attended for decades, it would be a different scenario, kwim? If you can help him have some fellowship that is meaningful (like a pastoral visit or senior center group) that would be a kindness, but don’t feel guilty for not doing the whole shebang, especially with covid still about.  

Edited January 31, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[katilac]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

He would literally need a 1:1 caregiver.   He can't hear worth beans, refuses to wear a hearing aid, says they don't work, and so when he asks questions, he can't hear the answers.

DH and I are working on some sort of plan.   We may do the every other week thing and just find a church that we won't really connect with, but we can take him.

We have churches that do that (1:1 caregiver), so it might be worth asking. 

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

I do wonder if any of the local retirement centers have a service he could join.   I may call around.

Ooh, what a good idea! 

[readinmom]

Dawn, so sorry.  We are in such similar places right now.  Praying for you...

[Scarlett]

This breaks my heart Dawn.  So sorry.   You are doing a great job.  

[Anne]

So sorry for you, Dawn, and all those who are walking such a difficult path right now.  Big hugs to you all!

Anne

[DawnM]

12 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

We were told that the beginning of falling was the beginning of accelerating decline. So it seems like he’s following that course. 
 

One thing the social workers told me, specifically with an elder with dementia, was that my job was to keep this person safe, sheltered, fed and medical/personal care needs met. They told me I was not obligated to provide entertainment, it was kind if I could but shouldn’t feel bad if I couldn’t. In your shoes, I think if your dad was wanting to go in person to the church congregation he’d attended for decades, it would be a different scenario, kwim? If you can help him have some fellowship that is meaningful (like a pastoral visit or senior center group) that would be a kindness, but don’t feel guilty for not doing the whole shebang, especially with covid still about.  

thank you, that is helpful.

He has NO IDEA what a chore it is to get him to and from church.   Not a clue.   He says, "Oh, I am a little slower."   Um, no, you are at a 10% of where you used to be.   And you need care, and we miss most of service, then you don't want to stay for anything, so we have to get you home, which is a chore.   If we want to go out with friends we are 45 min. late, etc....so we no longer go either.

And, he has become some right wing anti "jab" person.   He refuses to get the vaccine.   

THIS IS NOT MY DAD!

[DawnM]

And his room has smelled SO BAD.   I think just old person smell.   I bought Bad Air Sponges and they helped a bit.   Then I just bought Angry Orange and it seems to really help.   I spray all the fabric and carpet.   I am hoping this actually removes the smell.

[Scarlett]

Just now, DawnM said:

And his room has smelled SO BAD.   I think just old person smell.   I bought Bad Air Sponges and they helped a bit.   Then I just bought Angry Orange and it seems to really help.   I spray all the fabric and carpet.   I am hoping this actually removes the smell.

Is he showering regularly? I know so many elderly people just don’t want to bath anymore.  That is such a mystery to me.  

[DawnM]

22 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Is he showering regularly? I know so many elderly people just don’t want to bath anymore.  That is such a mystery to me.  

YES.   it isn't like that kind of smell.....it is old person smell.   I have been reading that their skin cells don't sluff off as well as younger folks and it produces an odor.   I am assuming that is what it is, but not sure.

EDITING: I know he showers but I don't know how often.   I think it is every other day based on what I see when I do in (wet shower, etc...)

Edited February 1, 2022 by DawnM

[chiguirre]

9 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

And, he has become some right wing anti "jab" person.   He refuses to get the vaccine.   

 

I'm sorry, Dawn, that's really sad. It's also a hard and fast no for going out into a crowd of people. Do you think he could understand the trade off between vaccination and being able to go to church in person? If he can't, you'll have the awful responsibility of just saying no to that foolishness and holding firm. Taking him out unvaccinated is equivalent to deliberately exposing him to a disease that will almost certainly kill him.

Hugs!

[mlktwins]

Dawn, I am so sorry.  I have so much compassion for you as I am living it too.  I have done it longer, but he is not in my home and I know have 24/7 caregiving for him.  I know that is not doable for you -- and really, it takes some of the burden/stress/worry from me, but not anywhere near all of it.

My dad has declined over the past 3 years and has had multiple minor falls, but since his big fall in July, I have seen a huge decline in him.  Both health and dementia wise.  It really is the beginning of the end for so many elderly when they start falling.

My dad also does the bathroom thing - whether home or out.  We have seen the doctor many times and while we can do surgery to help with his flow, his frequency during the day and night will never change.  The surgery to help his flow will require a minimum of 4-6 weeks of recovery and this is for the outpatient procedure.  For the inpatient procedure, which may be 20% more effective, that will be an 8-10 week recovery.  I used to be the one getting dad to the bathroom when we were out.  Now it takes me and a caregiver to help him (and this is just at doctor's appointments).  It takes a long time and is such an effort for him and for us.  He refuses to go in the Depends I require him to wear when we leave the house.  His stubbornness really makes it all harder on him and me/caregivers.

At this point, I won't take him anywhere but to the doctor's office (because that is necessary).  I might be more willing if he were to just use the Depends, but that is his choice.  I don't think this is the case with your dad, but my dad has not cared about the impact of all of this on me (or anyone else).  Before it was just him not caring.  Now, his dementia is much worse and he doesn't remember anything from the day before so it is a different type of not caring.  It is hard.  He makes everything hard.

Unless someone has walked in your shoes and knows what you are dealing with in taking him to church, or anywhere else, they don't get it.  He is unable to make good decisions for himself and understand the impact on those caring for him.  It is now up to you to make those decisions for him.  And...it is OK to make things easier on yourself.  IT IS HARD!!! You are doing a very hard thing.  Like we love them, but it wasn't really our decision.  We were just thrown into it and are doing what we have to do.

For me, I would not allow someone at a church, that doesn't really understand what all is involved in keeping him safe, to care for him while he is there.  That is a huge risk for me!!!  I have 6 wonderful caregivers, but one of them I wouldn't allow to take him out at all.  I don't make any appointments for him on her day (she is just one weekday a week).  She is fine if he is at home, but not so great trying to get him in and out of the van, taking him to the bathroom while we are out, etc.  I was having to tell her what to do for him.  I definitely would not trust someone you don't really know with that.

With him not being vaccinated, that is a whole different issue and he for sure would not be leaving the house/property unless it was necessary.  It is just how it is now.  Dad is vaccinated/boosted and I am still careful with him.

As for showering, dementia makes that even harder.  My dad tries to go days without a shower, but I require the caregivers to get it done at least every other day.  If he declines, they let me know and I call him.  I give him all the reasons why regular showers are important (usually me saying he is at greater risk for UTI does the job) and he will usually get off the phone and go take one.  It would actually be better to have him take one everyday because routine is very important for dementia patients.

If you want to talk about his bathroom issues, I have learned a lot over the past 3.5 years.  And...we just had an endoscopy of his bladder to confirm some things we thought were the issues.  I am happy to talk about that with you or answer any questions you make have.

Just know you are doing right by your dad.  IT IS HARD!!!!  And...caring for our dad's isn't our only responsibility.  Huge hugs for you!!!

I have to get my boys to class so am not reading what I wrote - sorry for typos.

 

 

    

[Janeway]

18 hours ago, DawnM said:

I am having to clean out his fridge and parts of his room weekly.   Otherwise, he drinks sour milk, eats rancid food, and spills and it gets gross.   I now just toss perishables that are over a week old, and start new.

Today we had church in the living room, as we have been doing, but he started in again on wanting to GO to church.   When I grew up, we went every time the doors opened.  He hates not going.   But, when he does go, he takes 20 min. to get to the bathroom and into the service after we get there.   Then we go in, he promptly falls asleep in his wheelchair, then loudly says he wants to go the bathroom, which is another 20 min. fiasco.   Then we come back in and it is end of service.   There is NO POINT in going.   But for him there is.

Today he said to me,  (and just pretend my last name is Jones)

"What is the name of the wife of that boy?"   
What boy dad?

You know, the one with Tommy, Steve, and Darrin?

Me:  Tommy JONES?   Your nephew?   As in Tommy, Steve, and Dalton?   (there is no Darrin)

Him:   Yes, doesn't Tommy have a wife?

Me:   Yes dad, her name is Allison

Sigh, he can't even remember the names of his nephews, but even more so, he couldn't remember their last name, which is the SAME as his!

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I’m very happy that you get to have this time with him and however short or different it might be. But I’m extremely sorry that your family is going through all this. And you especially. (((Hugs)))

[DawnM]

17 minutes ago, mlktwins said:

Dawn, I am so sorry.  I have so much compassion for you as I am living it too.  I have done it longer, but he is not in my home and I know have 24/7 caregiving for him.  I know that is not doable for you -- and really, it takes some of the burden/stress/worry from me, but not anywhere near all of it.

Are you paying for it or is he?   I am getting the lowest quotes at $25/hour.   that add up quickly.    And dad is adamant that he doesn't need help,. so he won't pay.   

17 minutes ago, mlktwins said:

My dad has declined over the past 3 years and has had multiple minor falls, but since his big fall in July, I have seen a huge decline in him.  Both health and dementia wise.  It really is the beginning of the end for so many elderly when they start falling.

Yes, he had a big fall in August and has gone more downhill since then.

17 minutes ago, mlktwins said:

My dad also does the bathroom thing - whether home or out.  We have seen the doctor many times and while we can do surgery to help with his flow, his frequency during the day and night will never change.  The surgery to help his flow will require a minimum of 4-6 weeks of recovery and this is for the outpatient procedure.  For the inpatient procedure, which may be 20% more effective, that will be an 8-10 week recovery.  I used to be the one getting dad to the bathroom when we were out.  Now it takes me and a caregiver to help him (and this is just at doctor's appointments).  It takes a long time and is such an effort for him and for us.  He refuses to go in the Depends I require him to wear when we leave the house.  His stubbornness really makes it all harder on him and me/caregivers.

At this point, I won't take him anywhere but to the doctor's office (because that is necessary).  I might be more willing if he were to just use the Depends, but that is his choice.  I don't think this is the case with your dad, but my dad has not cared about the impact of all of this on me (or anyone else).  Before it was just him not caring.  Now, his dementia is much worse and he doesn't remember anything from the day before so it is a different type of not caring.  It is hard.  He makes everything hard.

Unless someone has walked in your shoes and knows what you are dealing with in taking him to church, or anywhere else, they don't get it.  He is unable to make good decisions for himself and understand the impact on those caring for him.  It is now up to you to make those decisions for him.  And...it is OK to make things easier on yourself.  IT IS HARD!!! You are doing a very hard thing.  Like we love them, but it wasn't really our decision.  We were just thrown into it and are doing what we have to do.

For me, I would not allow someone at a church, that doesn't really understand what all is involved in keeping him safe, to care for him while he is there.  That is a huge risk for me!!!  I have 6 wonderful caregivers, but one of them I wouldn't allow to take him out at all.  I don't make any appointments for him on her day (she is just one weekday a week).  She is fine if he is at home, but not so great trying to get him in and out of the van, taking him to the bathroom while we are out, etc.  I was having to tell her what to do for him.  I definitely would not trust someone you don't really know with that.

With him not being vaccinated, that is a whole different issue and he for sure would not be leaving the house/property unless it was necessary.  It is just how it is now.  Dad is vaccinated/boosted and I am still careful with him.

There is a bit of me that just thinks, "Fine, stubborn  man, if you want to expose yourself to a virus, go ahead, I am sick of hearing you whine!"

17 minutes ago, mlktwins said:

As for showering, dementia makes that even harder.  My dad tries to go days without a shower, but I require the caregivers to get it done at least every other day.  If he declines, they let me know and I call him.  I give him all the reasons why regular showers are important (usually me saying he is at greater risk for UTI does the job) and he will usually get off the phone and go take one.  It would actually be better to have him take one everyday because routine is very important for dementia patients.

If you want to talk about his bathroom issues, I have learned a lot over the past 3.5 years.  And...we just had an endoscopy of his bladder to confirm some things we thought were the issues.  I am happy to talk about that with you or answer any questions you make have.

He does have prostate issues, but he is willing to use a urinal thing if necessary.   It is the #2 I am not dealing with....nope, not happening.   

17 minutes ago, mlktwins said:

Just know you are doing right by your dad.  IT IS HARD!!!!  And...caring for our dad's isn't our only responsibility.  Huge hugs for you!!!

I have to get my boys to class so am not reading what I wrote - sorry for typos.

 

 

    

Thank you.   It is definitely hard.   I admit I have some regrets not just moving him directly to a home, but I was worried that with Covid, I wouldn't be able to visit him, AND, he was insisting on staying with my friends, who really didn't want him there anymore.   They love him, but they were so worried about him all the time.   And they didn't sign up to be caregivers.

[itsheresomewhere]

Is there any chance that there is a senior daycare near you?  It might be a way to give you a bit of a break and he might agree to it.  While it is not that cheap, I might be worth it.  They will pick him up and take them to the movies, bowling, etc along with going back to the assisted living and let them join in the activities.  My friend is doing that now with her very stubborn doesn’t need help mom and it is working out. And bonus, all her new friends “don’t need hearing aids” either so she fits right in.  She says it is worth it for the 2 days a week.  

 

[freesia]

39 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Is there any chance that there is a senior daycare near you?  It might be a way to give you a bit of a break and he might agree to it.  While it is not that cheap, I might be worth it.  They will pick him up and take them to the movies, bowling, etc along with going back to the assisted living and let them join in the activities.  My friend is doing that now with her very stubborn doesn’t need help mom and it is working out. And bonus, all her new friends “don’t need hearing aids” either so she fits right in.  She says it is worth it for the 2 days a week.  

 

My grandfather in-law went Tom one of these a couple of days a week. It was a huge help to my MIL. 

[DawnM]

11 hours ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Is there any chance that there is a senior daycare near you?  It might be a way to give you a bit of a break and he might agree to it.  While it is not that cheap, I might be worth it.  They will pick him up and take them to the movies, bowling, etc along with going back to the assisted living and let them join in the activities.  My friend is doing that now with her very stubborn doesn’t need help mom and it is working out. And bonus, all her new friends “don’t need hearing aids” either so she fits right in.  She says it is worth it for the 2 days a week.  

 

He probably won't go, unless it is a VERY Christian place.

[itsheresomewhere]

Just now, DawnM said:

He probably won't go, unless it is a VERY Christian place.

I wonder if you can get him to go visit one.  He might see one that has a group meeting doing a Bible study and it might  get his interest enough to try. 

[DawnM]

7 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

I wonder if you can get him to go visit one.  He might see one that has a group meeting doing a Bible study and it might  get his interest enough to try. 

I did a search and there is one near me, it isn't Christian, but maybe there are others.  

From their website:

 

• 1 day/week – Attendance: $500 monthly; Transportation: $100 monthly
• Up to 3 days/week – Attendance: $775 monthly; Transportation: $200 monthly
• Up to 5 days/week – Attendance: $1,200 monthly; Transportation: $325 monthly

[itsheresomewhere]

1 minute ago, DawnM said:

I did a search and there is one near me, it isn't Christian, but maybe there are others.  

From their website:

 

• 1 day/week – Attendance: $500 monthly; Transportation: $100 monthly
• Up to 3 days/week – Attendance: $775 monthly; Transportation: $200 monthly
• Up to 5 days/week – Attendance: $1,200 monthly; Transportation: $325 monthly

That sounds right price wise.  Take a tour.  Some have the residents/day seniors who form a Christian/Bible study group in there who meet during the time besides doing the activities. 

[Melissa in Australia]

16 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Is he showering regularly? I know so many elderly people just don’t want to bath anymore.  That is such a mystery to me.  

there is no mystery . it is so physically draining to have a shower when you are very old and takes hours and hours to recover. it is easier to just skip it, especially if the oldie want to do anything else at all that day. I worked in aged care, as a personal carer - primarily in showering and taking oldies shopping. oldies would have to rest up for hours after a shower to recover.

Edited February 1, 2022 by Melissa in Australia

[Laura Corin]

19 hours ago, DawnM said:

And his room has smelled SO BAD.   I think just old person smell.   I bought Bad Air Sponges and they helped a bit.   Then I just bought Angry Orange and it seems to really help.   I spray all the fabric and carpet.   I am hoping this actually removes the smell.

See if you can talk to a care home about what they do. My mum's room smelled terrible at our house but doesn't at her care home. Both are carpeted, un-airconditioned, with the same furniture. Some kind of magic.

[Katy]

8 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

See if you can talk to a care home about what they do. My mum's room smelled terrible at our house but doesn't at her care home. Both are carpeted, un-airconditioned, with the same furniture. Some kind of magic.

The difference is most likely tub baths or being showered and given peri care by another person who is actually cleaning them. 

ETA: I am NOT suggesting a tub bath at home. In a nursing home there are not only lifts, there are therapy tubs that move up and down and keep the water at a safe temperature.  

Edited February 1, 2022 by Katy

[Catwoman]

15 hours ago, DawnM said:

I did a search and there is one near me, it isn't Christian, but maybe there are others.  

The biggest concern right now is the Covid risk, especially with your dad being unvaccinated.

It must be so hard for you to see your dad refusing the vaccine, particularly since he is a retired doctor who was always so smart and sensible. 😞 

[Laura Corin]

2 hours ago, Katy said:

The difference is most likely tub baths or being showered and given peri care by another person who is actually cleaning them. 

ETA: I am NOT suggesting a tub bath at home. In a nursing home there are not only lifts, there are therapy tubs that move up and down and keep the water at a safe temperature.  

I would have guessed this too. However when she first moved into the home she was looking after her own showering for around a year. And the room still smelled better.

[sassenach]

On 1/30/2022 at 11:51 AM, DawnM said:

I am having to clean out his fridge and parts of his room weekly.   Otherwise, he drinks sour milk, eats rancid food, and spills and it gets gross.   I now just toss perishables that are over a week old, and start new.

Today we had church in the living room, as we have been doing, but he started in again on wanting to GO to church.   When I grew up, we went every time the doors opened.  He hates not going.   But, when he does go, he takes 20 min. to get to the bathroom and into the service after we get there.   Then we go in, he promptly falls asleep in his wheelchair, then loudly says he wants to go the bathroom, which is another 20 min. fiasco.   Then we come back in and it is end of service.   There is NO POINT in going.   But for him there is.

Today he said to me,  (and just pretend my last name is Jones)

"What is the name of the wife of that boy?"   
What boy dad?

You know, the one with Tommy, Steve, and Darrin?

Me:  Tommy JONES?   Your nephew?   As in Tommy, Steve, and Dalton?   (there is no Darrin)

Him:   Yes, doesn't Tommy have a wife?

Me:   Yes dad, her name is Allison

Sigh, he can't even remember the names of his nephews, but even more so, he couldn't remember their last name, which is the SAME as his!

My FIL's fridge went out and he drank/ate rancid food for days before I realized it. That's when I decided that FIL is equivalent to a 7 year old. He can keep himself alive, but needs regular supervision (he lives in a place that serves 3 meals a day and does his cleaning). 

He also values going to church even though it often goes poorly. We have a woman with advanced dementia in our church. I think it's a sweet thing to give to them, even though it's hard. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Elderly lose or have greatly diminished sense of taste and smell. Thus the problems with rancid food etc.  

[BlsdMama]

On 1/31/2022 at 7:12 AM, DawnM said:

YES.   it isn't like that kind of smell.....it is old person smell.   I have been reading that their skin cells don't sluff off as well as younger folks and it produces an odor.   I am assuming that is what it is, but not sure.

EDITING: I know he showers but I don't know how often.   I think it is every other day based on what I see when I do in (wet shower, etc...)

Honestly he may not be able to shower effectively. Showering  is my hard. I love it and I despise it. But honestly? Even if I go through the motions, I’m largely ineffective. It’s why accessible showers are so great - they make helping a possibility. Is a CNA 3X a week a possibility?

[sassenach]

On 1/31/2022 at 5:12 AM, DawnM said:

YES.   it isn't like that kind of smell.....it is old person smell.   I have been reading that their skin cells don't sluff off as well as younger folks and it produces an odor.   I am assuming that is what it is, but not sure.

EDITING: I know he showers but I don't know how often.   I think it is every other day based on what I see when I do in (wet shower, etc...)

If he has diabetes, there's also a very distinctive smell to that. I can't wash FIL's clothes or towels with any of ours because they pick up the smell. He used a blanket while at our house last week and I had to wash it twice to get the smell out.

[Katy]

4 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

I would have guessed this too. However when she first moved into the home she was looking after her own showering for around a year. And the room still smelled better.

Frequently washed bedding, incontinence care, a chux pad (covered by a blanket for dignity) on every chair, peri care twice a day, someone helping to make sure she does shower frequently even if they aren’t assisting, cleaning products with enzymes, ozone & uv air cleaners, or probably a combination of all of it. IME every new resident needs more bathroom assistance than either they or their family realizes, and it isn’t often something that’s shared with the family.

[DawnM]

6 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

Honestly he may not be able to shower effectively. Showering  is my hard. I love it and I despise it. But honestly? Even if I go through the motions, I’m largely ineffective. It’s why accessible showers are so great - they make helping a possibility. Is a CNA 3X a week a possibility?

He is saying no to anything unless a doctor says he needs it and insurance pays.....

[hippymamato3]

On 1/31/2022 at 9:19 AM, DawnM said:

Are you paying for it or is he?   I am getting the lowest quotes at $25/hour.   that add up quickly.    And dad is adamant that he doesn't need help,. so he won't pay.   

Yes, he had a big fall in August and has gone more downhill since then.

There is a bit of me that just thinks, "Fine, stubborn  man, if you want to expose yourself to a virus, go ahead, I am sick of hearing you whine!"

He does have prostate issues, but he is willing to use a urinal thing if necessary.   It is the #2 I am not dealing with....nope, not happening.   

Thank you.   It is definitely hard.   I admit I have some regrets not just moving him directly to a home, but I was worried that with Covid, I wouldn't be able to visit him, AND, he was insisting on staying with my friends, who really didn't want him there anymore.   They love him, but they were so worried about him all the time.   And they didn't sign up to be caregivers.

What will you do when he needs nursing care? For bathroom issues, etc? 

[Grace Hopper]

On 1/31/2022 at 8:50 PM, DawnM said:

I did a search and there is one near me, it isn't Christian, but maybe there are others.  

From their website:

 

• 1 day/week – Attendance: $500 monthly; Transportation: $100 monthly
• Up to 3 days/week – Attendance: $775 monthly; Transportation: $200 monthly
• Up to 5 days/week – Attendance: $1,200 monthly; Transportation: $325 monthly

We found that for one of my elders, daycare was unaffordable. For another, it was tremendously beneficial (I don’t know the cost then, but I believe the VA provided some funding). 

14 hours ago, DawnM said:

He is saying no to anything unless a doctor says he needs it and insurance pays.....

Are you on his HIPAA? Even if you are not, call his doctor’s office and let them know he does need it. You need it. There should be a nurse navigator or social worker liaison with the insurance company to help figure out getting home health assistance covered. 
 

You are in the most difficult season, Dawn. Your elder is cognizant enough to have a strong opinion, but has declined in ways he won’t acknowledge. It is sad but true that a bit farther down the road, things often get easier because the needs become more obvious. Hang in there.