Have you ever felt "cherished?"

[Jenny in Florida]

I was thinking about this the other day, in the context of a conversation I was having with my husband. (It was a perfectly pleasant, not personal conversation.) I commented that, although I have never been a woman who expects or even wants things done for me that I can do for myself just because I happen to be the woman, I have occasionally wondered what it would feel like to know your partner cherishes you enough to do certain things for you, day in and day out, just to show you they care.

I realized I was kind of in trouble mid-way through the sentence, in danger of hurting my husband's feelings and making myself cry, neither of which I remotely intended. I hastened to clarify that I understood I had never given him the slightest hint that I would want to be treated that way and that I probably didn't, that I was just conducting a thought experiment. And we were off on the next topic.

But that question has kind of stuck with me: What would it be like to feel cherished? To really feel that another person considers you precious?

So, tell me, is that something any of you have experienced? If so, what prompts that feeling?

[Catwoman]

Yes, all the time with my dh and my ds. 🙂 

It makes me feel sad that you don't feel that way.  😞 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Catwoman

[Melissa Louise]

Not in the last two decades.  

And tbh, it sounds a little stifling.

Like, perhaps I might think I want to be cherished, but if someone was doing the cherishing, I'd probably run. 

But I am probably abnormal!

 

[Faith-manor]

Yes, dh and I have always been well suited to be that way with each other. My mother in law never had it nor did my mother. I consider myself very, very fortunate.

[regentrude]

10 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

what it would feel like to know your partner cherishes you enough to do certain things for you, day in and day out, just to show you they care.

I feel loved an appreciated, but the word "cherished" would never be how I'd describe it, and the bolded seems a very strange thing to me.
My DH likes to spend time with me. I can't think of a better companion for my outdoor adventures. We each support each other. We each choose to do some tasks for our joint life that the other doesn't enjoy as much. We have a great marriage.
But to "do certain things, day in day out, just to show he cares?" Nope, not how either of us operate.

Edited January 25, 2022 by regentrude

[catz]

Well, I feel cherished when someone engages in their love language with me.  For my husband that might be running errands for me when asked or hiking in nature together or doing household chores that I hate without me asking.  For my daughter, it might be sitting down with her to talk and talk and talk about something we're both interested in.  So I think it is possible to feel cherished and appreciated without someone stifling your independence. 

I think where people get into trouble is person A has expectations X of person B and person B's love language  is doing Y.   Particularly if A and B aren't good communicators about their needs and feelings.  

I got married later than many on this board and I had my own home prior to marriage.  So I am just naturally indepedant and don't often expect or ask for a lot of hands on "cherishing".  

Also not a fan of the word cherish.  Like the word appreciated or expressing gratitude or loved better.  Cherish has some weird old school Disney princess connotations to me.

Edited January 25, 2022 by catz

[Ditto]

No, not in at least the last 10 years and probably a lot longer.   

Now, not only am I not cherished, I am not even seen or heard.

Edited January 25, 2022 by Ditto

[Pawz4me]

Well, yes and no, I guess.

Daily acts like bringing me coffee in bed, cooking for me, encouraging me to rest and drink plenty of fluids when I'm sick -- no. Those types of things just aren't something DH does. But making sure all the financial stuff is in order, that I'll be in good shape if/when he passes away -- yes. That's his love language.

[Scarlett]

I feel cherished by my dh for sure.  And I feel cherished by my sister and a few close friends.  It isn't so much what they do for me day in and day out, but rather how I FEEL that they feel about me.  

It isn't stifling.  At all.  And if we are talking about the romantic kind.....I very much love that my dh cherishes me.

[HomeAgain]

Oh, this isn't a fair question!  I can answer in the affirmative, but it would just serve to undercut how you feel.

I will say this - it's a two way street here.  There are little ways I show dh how I love him and it's everything from a quick buns grab to making sure his mask drawer is always topped off.  It makes him feel good to know that I still find him just as handsome as the day I married him.  Sometimes it's giving him a few hours alone on his weekend so he has a chance to decompress. And he shows me he loves me just as much.  Today I had exactly 4 minutes between walking in the door from one class to having to sit down to another on Zoom.  He had made me lunch that he handed to me, and while I was in class he prepped dinner before he had to go to work.  He knows it's a busy evening here and wanted to ease my list some.

Love and being cherished in our 40s is much quieter than it was in our 20s.  There are rarely flowers or fancy dates.  Less time to stare into each other's eyes.  But it's tiny things now like folding the pile of laundry or making a meatloaf at 1pm so that the other person can pop it into the oven later.

[Katy]

Yes, but only with DH. Definitely not in previous relationships.

[I talk to the trees]

Nope, never have and probably never will. 
 

eta: I read the question in the context of a romantic relationship. I did always feel special around my maternal grandparents, but I wasn’t thinking about grandparent/grandchild relationships when I replied. 

Edited January 26, 2022 by I talk to the trees
Read other responses and thought about the question in a different way

[Elizabeth86]

No way. My husband does not cherish me. It would be nice. I was my parents’ whole world and still am honestly. I think I was given an unrealistic impression of how “great” I am. lol And dh came from a family where neither spouses nor children were cherished.

With dh, it feels like to me that he always has the attitude that “I work and you don’t have to, what more could you possibly expect me to do.” My love language is acts of service because that is how both my parents show each other love. I really do feel loved because he works and I can stay home. He does make me feel like a burden though. I hate that. Dh doesn’t appreciate acts of service which I am full of. He doesn’t even pick his own clothes and boots up for work. I carry them to him. This doesn’t make him feel loved though, it’s something he takes for granted. On the weekend, unless I have an outing planned, he sits in his chair playing video games and the only time he interacts with us is to fuss at one of the kids. Then when the kids are asleep there is only one thing he wants from me. Maybe if he had lifted a finger to contribute to raising our kids I might be more in the mood. He literally would never do anything unless I asked him to do it. I wish he could see that the dripping faucet needs fixing, but I have to ask for everything. I hate that. That’s how he makes me feel. lol TMI? 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Elizabeth86

[iamonlyone]

I felt cherished by my grandma and grandpa. My grandma's eyes snapped and sparkled when she saw me! She always gave me a huge hug (and for a tiny 4'11" lady, she could give some giant hugs!). When I visited, she always had her yummy homemade brownies in the freezer to pull out (some with black walnuts and some without, since different family members had different preferences). She and my grandpa would surprise me by stopping by my college with some home-baked goodies or a bag of fruit. My grandpa let me borrow his huge (he was 6'2") wool cardigan sweaters to wear at college (a late 1980s style), and then they bought me a gorgeous men's wool cardigan of my own that I still wear at home to this day. I feel wrapped in their hugs when I wear it, even though they have been gone over 20 years.

I love watching how dd22's boyfriend treats her: cherish is an apt word (tucking a blanket around her as they sit together, being aware of where she is to open a door or wait if she stops, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear, really listening to her, dropping by coffee or a treat for her while she is at work). It warms my heart!

My parents and dh aren't/weren't (my parents have passed away) that kind of personality. I would love to feel cherished in those relationships, but things can be good anyway. I'm a Christian, and my desire for/lack of that kind of attention has helped me look to Christ for my identity as a cherished child and lovable individual. That's a process, though, and I do feel sad sometimes.

I hope to be like my grandma and dole out big heaping helpings of love!

[TheReader]

My husband does make me feel that way, and it's.....warm. Comfort. Safe. The security of knowing, 1000%, that this person won't ever hurt you on purpose, and will try like mad not to ever hurt you on accident/unintentionally. 

It's....waking up and trying/hoping you live up to how much they love you. Actively trying to make sure they feel cherished, too, because it just feels selfish otherwise. 

It's......waking up when he had to go to the office super early, or is out of town, or whatever, and the coffee pot is ready to go with a "just push start" note taped over the lid.  

It's....coming home on your busiest, longest day (now that he works from home), and finding that he's caught up all the laundry while you were out. Three loads of it. Just....because. Not that anyone was totally out, not that it was dire, just for the sole reason of taking that off your plate that evening/the next day. 

It's.....him carrying your bags out to the car when you go to work, and remembering to go out early and turn the heat on/de-ice the windows & windshield when you have a rare cold snap, even though he's in shorts/t-shirt, because he'd rather do it than you stand out there (even in your fully dressed, jacket, gloves) yourself. 

It's.....you, getting up in the wee hours of the morning to go fishing with him, taking extra snacks and blankets and waters, to keep him company because you know he *can* go fishing without you, but also that he really *prefers* the company, and gosh, if he doesn't deserve that, who does?

It's....spending all of your Nov/Dec "fun money" on a really amazing gift for him for Christmas, b/c it's the thing he would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have, but would never buy himself, and smiling every time he uses it and says "man, this makes (bread, dough, pizza, etc.) so much easier! I love this thing!" and knowing you did the right thing (even though the cat's subsequent vet bill meant you ended up not actually having fun money until March) 

It's.....him blowing your socks off with his answer/gift response to "is there some kind of something that will still let me play my ancient ipod, but also my CDs at the same time??" and instead you get an incredible retro turntable/CD/radio/MP3/aux in/cassette thing that is amazing. And records of your favorite CDs so you can have both. 

It's.....playing a video game together, and being giddy that his video game character proposed to your video game character...stopping and taking a picture of the screen at your video game wedding...printing & framing it & hanging it up....even as you approach your real-life 25th wedding anniversary (and 30 years since your first date). 

It's........probably something that looks and feels different to each person here, but I think it can be summed up as....still (or again, as the case may be) *feeling* "in love" and not just loved. The difference between "I love you" and "I am so in love with you" (and knowing it's reciprocated).  

I don't know if that answers your question(s) or not, but......that's what it is for me/us. It's that whole real-life Princess Bride, "as you wish" kind of thing. Arwen and Aragorn, choosing the pain of life with a mortal b/c it's less painful than not having him in her life. It's the daily embodiment of "home is where the heart is" and knowing in this case "heart" means him. And for him, it means you. 

I could keep going, but I'll stop there. Know that I know how fortunate I am, and know that there was a time it didn't feel like this, and a time when things almost broke us, and then after the almost breaking, this was the result, and hopefully we hang onto this for the remainder of our days. 

 

[Spryte]

26 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

Oh, this isn't a fair question!  I can answer in the affirmative, but it would just serve to undercut how you feel.

I will say this - it's a two way street here.  There are little ways I show dh how I love him and it's everything from a quick buns grab to making sure his mask drawer is always topped off.  It makes him feel good to know that I still find him just as handsome as the day I married him.  Sometimes it's giving him a few hours alone on his weekend so he has a chance to decompress. And he shows me he loves me just as much.  Today I had exactly 4 minutes between walking in the door from one class to having to sit down to another on Zoom.  He had made me lunch that he handed to me, and while I was in class he prepped dinner before he had to go to work.  He knows it's a busy evening here and wanted to ease my list some.

Love and being cherished in our 40s is much quieter than it was in our 20s.  There are rarely flowers or fancy dates.  Less time to stare into each other's eyes.  But it's tiny things now like folding the pile of laundry or making a meatloaf at 1pm so that the other person can pop it into the oven later.

This. I didn’t even want to answer, because it’s not going to make OP feel better, but also … it doesn’t look like other people might think. But, this, it looks a lot like this. Little things make all the difference. I hope I do enough little things to make DH feel it, too. And big things, too!

Edited January 25, 2022 by Spryte

[Anne]

I think the word “cherish” can carry a lot of emotional baggage, and the search for “cherish” can cause me to overlook what I have.  My dh is not a romantic guy and we don’t have a romantic kind of marriage.  But he is absolutely in my corner all the time.  And he will do anything I need him to do, in addition to the things he just does.  I hope he feels that way about me!

We’re not very exciting (and absolutely not perfect!), but after 40 plus years together, I’m pretty happy and grateful for where we’ve landed - there were an abundance of ruts and potholes on the way to our current space!

Anne

[Kassia]

Yes, my DH makes me feel cherished and has since I met him 36+ years ago.  Every single day from morning until night. I don't know what I ever did to deserve him.  

Sure, there are times we argue and things are unpleasant but I'd say 99% of the time he treats me like a princess.  I don't get it but I sure appreciate it.

[fraidycat]

Yes. My DH does little things almost every day that make me feel "cherished" or at least cared about and looked after. He makes my almost tea every morning so it is steeped strong and cooled down enough for me to drink it by the time I get up. He makes my lunch for me on days that I work. He'll drop by with fresh tea or a treat for me at work if he gets off early, etc. Now that I think about it, I could probably step-up in this area to do the similar for him so he knows that I cherish him, too.

I also feel that I was cherished by my parents and grandparents. It is harder to pinpoint exact "things that they did", but there was never any doubt in my mind that I was wholly loved and appreciated just for being me.

[rebcoola]

Yes, I feel cherished mu DH does a million small things to show he cares and is thinking of me.  

[TheReader]

4 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

 

I also feel that I was cherished by my parents and grandparents. It is harder to pinpoint exact "things that they did", but there was never any doubt in my mind that I was wholly loved and appreciated just for being me.

this and the other poster who mentioned it reminds me, yes, that's how my grandparents made me feel. There's a reason that, in my "diary of a quilter" quilt about my life (to that point), there is one block each for my mom and dad, plus one for the divorce itself (theirs), but 4 blocks for my grandparents. Out of 25 blocks total. Because.....they showed me what it's like to be loved and valued and just what you said, loved/appreciated just for being me. That's exactly it. 

[Jenny in Florida]

Oh, I am most definitely not a flowers and chocolates kind of girl. Never really have been. And I appreciate that my husband gets that. My "love language," to the extent that I believe I have one, is probably mostly acts of service . . . and feeling really heard. 

The acts of service thing has been hit or miss for our entire relationship. Sometimes he really makes an effort for a period of time, but:

• there's always a somewhat "transactional" undertone, like it's clear he's doing these things in expectation of reward or repayment.
• the trend inevitably dies.

And in terms of being really heard? That's vanishingly rare and happens only when I straight up say I need it.

Because others have mentioned it, I'll also say that I never felt cherished by my parents or any other family members when I was a kid, either. I always say I was raised the way you're supposed to cultivate tomatoes, with more or less benign neglect. I was an only kid and had everything material, but never got a lot of attention from either parent. And neither of them had healthy relationships with their own families of origin, so I couldn't run over to grandma's house for a hug and a cookie.

To be honest, I pretty much always felt like an irritation.

I, too, married somewhat later. (We were 30.) And I had been living independently for most of my adulthood by that point. I was the primary breadwinner for the first few years we were together. I never wanted or expected to be "taken care of" in the traditional wife-and-homemaker way. (I remember getting very huffy with my grandmother when she once expressed the wish that I would "find some nice man to take care of me" and insisting that I was doing just fine taking care of myself, thank you.) So I'm not really talking about being put on any kind of pedestal or being smothered in any way.

I guess I would just love to feel, at least occasionally, like I am the most important person in someone's life (besides my dog). 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Jenny in Florida

[73349]

My initial response was that my maternal grandmother made me feel cherished, yes. (I think she made each grandchild feel that way. I'm the oldest.)

In marriage... IDK, that's a lot to sustain over decades of daily life together. Some times more than others, I guess.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I feel like people on this thread might have very different connotations of “cherished”. For me, it means feeling seen, loved, valued.

My husband will scrape the ice off my car when he goes out to work. If he’s refreshing his bedside water bottle at night, he’ll do mine too. He’ll clean the big bathtub because he knows I have a hard time reaching (more a function of my height than the size of the tub lol). He’ll put toothpaste on my brush if he brushes his teeth first at night. I try to do small things in return as well. I may pack up dinner leftovers for his lunch the next day or make phone calls because he hates to make phone calls. All stuff we could do for ourselves, but it’s just nice to know we are thinking of each other. There are big things too; he completely went to bat for me when I had a scary medical experience and couldn’t advocate for myself.  We just try to take care of each other. 

[Insertcreativenamehere]

I do feel cherished by my parents. And by one of my grandpas in particular, but he is no longer living. 

I have some longtime friends who I know love me and would do anything for me. But we're not in contact on a frequent basis and only see each other a few times a year. I'm not sure that cherished would be right word for that relationship. 

I don't really feel cherished by anyone else in my life. Not in my marriage. My kids - maybe when they were little and expressed how much they loved me all the time. Now they are all basically teenagers and pretty focused on their own needs at this developmental stage. 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Insertcreativenamehere

[plaidpants]

Nope. I'm barely a person to most people I know.

(Baby people don't count)

Edited January 25, 2022 by plaidpants

[DreamerGirl]

My family belongs to the Anglican Church and DH and I were married in it.

The wedding vows were partly, "to love, cherish and ____", the ___ being protect for the man and obey for the woman.

DH and I were dead set against using both protect and obey, but we left the cherish in because it signified something we wanted our marriage to be.

Through the ups and downs, we have made it a priority to cherish each other, not just love. It is not just going through life with having someone have your back and you have theirs, but the every day little things.

DH and I are in the process of being ambivalent about all things religion, church and figuring out what matters to us. But one thing we plan to keep is cherishing each other. 

[Melissa Louise]

10 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

 

I guess I would just love to feel, at least occasionally, like I am the most important person in someone's life (besides my dog). 

This is going to sound hokey, and you'll probably hate it, but I think it's worth saying anyway. 

You can be the most important person for you. You can cherish your self. 

No, it's not the same as having another person provide it. It's different. But still important. You are worth your own cherishing. 

[elegantlion]

I suppose my parents cherished me and ds to an extent, but SO is the one that really shows it in a way that resonates with me. I'm not a flowers gal, but he does things for me that show me he cares deeply. He brings me coffee every morning. He talks about his feelings for me. He comes with me to appointments, he buys me chocolate out of the blue. It's so different to be in a relationship where I feel important and valued. 

The late ex dh had a hard time with that. I'd have to practically beg him for something to eat when I was sick. SO makes dinner every night. 

There are other examples, but SO also allows me to fully capable of taking care of myself. I don't feel helpless with him like I did with ex. 

I really never thought I'd have this. He cherishes and empowers me at the same time. I don't take it lightly and I'm sorry for those of you that live w/out someone like that. 

[Kassia]

18 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

My "love language," to the extent that I believe I have one, is probably mostly acts of service .

 

Because others have mentioned it, I'll also say that I never felt cherished by my parents or any other family members when I was a kid, either. I always say I was raised the way you're supposed to cultivate tomatoes, with more or less benign neglect. I was an only kid and had everything material, but never got a lot of attention from either parent. And neither of them had healthy relationships with their own families of origin, so I couldn't run over to grandma's house for a hug and a cookie.

 

I guess I would just love to feel, at least occasionally, like I am the most important person in someone's life (besides my dog). 

First, I just want to say I feel bad that you haven't experienced this because you deserve to - especially by your DH.  Is it possible your love languages just don't line up and he thinks you're the most important person but doesn't know how to show it so that you feel it? 

My love language is also acts of service and my DH loves doing things for me so I do feel very cherished.  However, (and this post reminds me that I need to work on this), his love language is not one that I'm good at and I have to work at making him feel cherished as well.  It's way too easy for me to slack on that, which I've been doing and need to do better because he deserves it.

I felt cherished by my dear aunt but not my parents or grandparents.  She was like my fairy godmother so I did have that unconditional love there even if I didn't have it at home.  

Big hugs to you, Jenny.  ❤️

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

Yes…but it’s been a long, hard road. DH and I both did not respect or cherish each other the way we should have for the first ten years of our marriage.  We loved each other; but we neglected each other’s emotional needs. Busyness, work, special needs kids, very different love languages.  We both sought to fill our emotional needs outside of marriage, though in different ways.  Since the day we decided to stay married, we work really hard and really intentionally to show each other in our individual love language how loved and appreciated and cherished we are.  It’s hard, and it’s work, and we still fail a lot. 
But every couple weeks we try to check in with each other and adjust as necessary.

DS6 has significant GI issues relating to his special needs. Last night he was having some problems, it was 10 degrees, my oldest two kids were already sleeping, DH was at work and I couldn’t get what we needed instacarted. DH said no problem, ran to the store, and drove up the stuff in the ambulance.  Years ago he would have assumed it was my problem to fix, and I would have found a way, definitely, but he knows I feel very cherished and loved when he takes a problem off my shoulders.  It’s a small thing, but after the first decade of our marriage, it’s very significant for us.

He is still not romantic. There’s almost never flowers and candlelit dinners. But he now knows what means the most to me and goes out of his way to make those things happen.

I never felt adored or cherished by my parents. It still hurts.

Edited January 25, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[Tap]

Nope. Xh was respectful most of the time, i think he loved me in his own way, and I know he appreciated that I took care of the family. 

But I never, for one minute felt cherished. I was more like the equivalent of a “work wife”. I think he maybe gave me half a dozen compliments in our 25+ Years of marriage. That includes generic “you look nice tonight” for all the fancy work dinners we went to. 

We dated as teens and got married because I got pregnant. We were ( and still are) more like friends than husband/wife. 

[JustEm]

Yes, every single day even when I can't stand the man.  I don't really know what my love language is. I don't want flowers, chocolates, or gifts. But a real thoughtful gift makes me feel so loved and heard. For example, dh got my an espresso machine for Christmas and the act of service of making drinks for me whenever I want. He didn't do this because I've ever expressed interest in one but because he knows I like espresso, lattes, etc but hate paying ridiculous fees for them. But the year he got me a Keurig I felt like he didn't know me at all because I hate Keurig coffee. So, he's not always great in the gift department.

But I also like acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time. They all seem equally important to me. 

I'm sorry to hear that so many answering don't feel cherished by their spouses or others. I hope if you are cherish by the people in your lives that you can work with them to figure out how they can show it and how you can see it. Hugs.

[MEmama]

I don’t want to be “cherished” or to be seen as “precious”. Those words make me feel all kinds of uncomfortable. I do want a partner and I do want to feel valued and appreciated. I have all those and for that I am grateful. 

[Ditto]

56 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

I guess I would just love to feel, at least occasionally, like I am the most important person in someone's life (besides my dog). 

Me too. ((hugs))

[Ditto]

13 minutes ago, MEmama said:

I don’t want to be “cherished” or to be seen as “precious”. Those words make me feel all kinds of uncomfortable. I do want a partner and I do want to feel valued and appreciated. I have all those and for that I am grateful. 

This is what I want as well.    You are very fortunate to have it.

[HSmomof2]

No, but I don’t think it’s intentional. I know dh loves me, but feel cherished, no. We’ve just been in survival/barely getting by mode for so long, I don’t think we have the energy to cherish each other. 

[Guest]

No, and I never wanted that in a relationship. In fact, I remember my mother using that word one time when talking about what my sister wanted but had not yet found: someone who would cherish her. I remember thinking I did not have that desire at all. Yes, I want to be appreciated, but “cherished” has a connotation of helplessness to me, which I don’t find appealing. 
 

I *have* thought before that it would be nice if I had one of those husbands who would simply do something only because he knew it would please me; I don’t have that and sometimes I wish I did. But not “cherish.” That sounds like idolizing and I didn’t like guys who did that. One of the things I found attractive about dh all those years ago was that he was not needy at all. 

[hippymamato3]

Yes, I actually do with DH. And, oddly, years ago he told me that he strives to make me feel cherished (which I found odd at the time)- and he really does.

[Scarlett]

31 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

Yes, every single day even when I can't stand the man.  I don't really know what my love language is. I don't want flowers, chocolates, or gifts. But a real thoughtful gift makes me feel so loved and heard. For example, dh got my an espresso machine for Christmas and the act of service of making drinks for me whenever I want. He didn't do this because I've ever expressed interest in one but because he knows I like espresso, lattes, etc but hate paying ridiculous fees for them. But the year he got me a Keurig I felt like he didn't know me at all because I hate Keurig coffee. So, he's not always great in the gift department.

But I also like acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time. They all seem equally important to me. 

I'm sorry to hear that so many answering don't feel cherished by their spouses or others. I hope if you are cherish by the people in your lives that you can work with them to figure out how they can show it and how you can see it. Hugs.

Ha ha, I had to laugh because I feel the same.  He is very much an acts of service man and he lives and breaths to do things for others.  But I also love physical touch, words of affirmation and quality time.  He needs all the same from me....We are such a good fit and even when our strong personalities flare up we both feel loved.

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, Quill said:

No, and I never wanted that in a relationship. In fact, I remember my mother using that word one time when talking about what my sister wanted but had not yet found: someone who would cherish her. I remember thinking I did not have that desire at all. Yes, I want to be appreciated, but “cherished” has a connotation of helplessness to me, which I don’t find appealing. 
 

I *have* thought before that it would be nice if I had one of those husbands who would simply do something only because he knew it would please me; I don’t have that and sometimes I wish I did. But not “cherish.” That sounds like idolizing and I didn’t like guys who did that. One of the things I found attractive about dh all those years ago was that he was not needy at all. 

Hmmm. Interesting.  I don't have the helpless idea about the word at all.

[Kassia]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Hmmm. Interesting.  I don't have the helpless idea about the word at all.

I don't either.  

[DreamerGirl]

23 minutes ago, MEmama said:

I don’t want to be “cherished” or to be seen as “precious”. Those words make me feel all kinds of uncomfortable. I do want a partner and I do want to feel valued and appreciated. I have all those and for that I am grateful. 

One of the things I asked my pastor at pre-marital counseling when we discussed the vows was the meaning of cherish. It is after all an old fashioned word and how it applied to someone like me who wanted to treated as a partner and an equal or was it a sneaky word related to submit/obey.

He looked it up in an old fashioned book of synonyms. Both appreciate and value were in the list and also among related words was respect. Those were some of the qualities we both were looking for in a marriage and so we left it. I still remember it vividly.

I would also use words like devoted, steadfast to describe our relationship vs middle aged and boring so I like old fashioned words 😊

[lauraw4321]

While I probably wouldn’t have used the word cherished, when I stop and think about it, he does. He encourages me to do activities that I enjoy even when they inconvenience him, just because he wants to make me happy. He heard me complain that I wanted a piece of artwork framed but couldn’t find the time and did it for me as a Christmas present. And I wasn’t trying to drop a hint. He always takes out the trash (yes I have to ask but he’s never tried to make it my chore). So yes, but I don’t always recognize it. 

[JustEm]

19 minutes ago, Quill said:

No, and I never wanted that in a relationship. In fact, I remember my mother using that word one time when talking about what my sister wanted but had not yet found: someone who would cherish her. I remember thinking I did not have that desire at all. Yes, I want to be appreciated, but “cherished” has a connotation of helplessness to me, which I don’t find appealing. 
 

I *have* thought before that it would be nice if I had one of those husbands who would simply do something only because he knew it would please me; I don’t have that and sometimes I wish I did. But not “cherish.” That sounds like idolizing and I didn’t like guys who did that. One of the things I found attractive about dh all those years ago was that he was not needy at all. 

So when I say I feel cherished it is because dh is like this. I don't have the same negative feelings about the word cherish. It holds no feelings of helplessness attached to it in my mind. 

This is to everyone, where does that definition interpretation come from? I just think of it as holding something dear to them.

 

[sassenach]

2 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

do certain things for you, day in and day out, just to show you they care.

This makes me think of love languages. I don't feel loved when people do things for me. With my husband, I do feel cherished. I haven't always, but I definitely do at this stage of our relationship. Not because of anything he does but because of the quality of our time together and our intimacy. That's how I feel loved and valued.

My initial reaction to the cherished question was actually to think of my grandparents. A lot of my strengths, and a few of my faults, are rooted in feeling cherished by my FOO and my grandparents/extended family. I was the first grandchild and only girl for nearly a decade. I was cherished. 

[HS Mom in NC]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

I feel loved an appreciated, but the word "cherished" would never be how I'd describe it, and the bolded seems a very strange thing to me.
My DH likes to spend time with me. I can't think of a better companion for my outdoor adventures. We each support each other. We each choose to do some tasks for our joint life that the other doesn't enjoy as much. We have a great marriage.
But to "do certain things, day in day out, just to show he cares?" Nope, not how either of us operate.

Same.  It's a odd pairing if you ask me.  Yes, I've felt cherished by my maternal grandmother and my husband.  No, I don't feel that way based on them doing certain things day in and day out that I can do for myself.  That would be awful and wouldn't make me feel cherished at all. I'm not talking about divided labor in the home to share the burden of menial tasks or occasionally doing things now and then as an act of kindness. If someone regularly did something for me day in and day out that I could do for myself I'd tell them to stop.

My primary love language is quality time and my secondary love languages is acts of service.  That doesn't mean daily stuff.

Edited January 25, 2022 by HS Mom in NC

[ktgrok]

Do you mean things like, my Dad making my mom's coffee for her, because he knows she likes the way it tastes when he makes it? Without her asking? Or noticing that the gas tank is low, so filling up her car for her when it gets near empty so she doesn't have to do it? Stuff like that?

[ktgrok]

21 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

So when I say I feel cherished it is because dh is like this. I don't have the same negative feelings about the word cherish. It holds no feelings of helplessness attached to it in my mind. 

This is to everyone, where does that definition interpretation come from? I just think of it as holding something dear to them.

 

Same as you, no negative connotations. 

[wintermom]

I don't really know what exactly "cherishing" behaviour looks like. It seems really vague to me. Do you think you show your dh that you cherish him through any actions you do?  Maybe you could provide him with some examples and you can have a conversation that is about concrete actions.