So difficult to not say anything

[itsheresomewhere]

So I have a dear sweet friend who I know her DH is scamming her.  All of us who are close to her have figured it out. But we all know we can’t say anything right now as she is not in the position to believe/see it.  She is completely snowed right now.  We all know that she is going to need a few of us when the everything is exposed.  The only thing we can do is point out some of the minor inaccuracies so it might open her eyes.  So dang hard to not say anything yet.  
 

There is a special place for those who fake cancer. 

[Spryte]

You all think her DH is faking cancer? That’s a thing? That is completely bizarre.

I’m so sorry.

Edited January 25, 2022 by Spryte

[itsheresomewhere]

9 minutes ago, Spryte said:

You all think her DH is faking cancer? That’s a thing? That is completely bizarre.

It is one of many things but he is.  We have proof on that. The amount of crap he is faking/lying about is amazing.  
 

One thing about scammers as they get older is that they don’t realize some things are now public record. Very easy to Google.

Edited January 25, 2022 by itsheresomewhere

[Harriet Vane]

Someone needs to tell her.

[itsheresomewhere]

4 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

Someone needs to tell her.

Unfortunately, the one who did speak up her DH convinced her that person was interested her money. So that is why none of us are doing that method again. Plus, we have some big reasons to fear for her safety if this is not carefully done. 

[KungFuPanda]

It sounds like an intervention is in order. It’s cruel to allow the delusion. She may need time to plan and prepare.  I’d frame it as “we want YOU to know, but he doesn’t need to know we know. What support do you need? Take time to process the information then tell us how we can help.” If your friend is being abused you need to circle the wagons and do the hard, uncomfortable thing. 

[Spryte]

12 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

It sounds like an intervention is in order. It’s cruel to allow the delusion. She may need time to plan and prepare.  I’d frame it as “we want YOU to know, but he doesn’t need to know we know. What support do you need? Take time to process the information then tell us how we can help.” If your friend is being abused you need to circle the wagons and do the hard, uncomfortable thing. 

I agree. Allowing her to continue to be fooled seems unnecessarily cruel. I can’t imagine she will happily hear that everyone around her knew before her, and didn’t say anything, when this is all out in the open. That would make it even worse, one would think.

She needs time to process and plan, and make an escape.

[itsheresomewhere]

11 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

It sounds like an intervention is in order. It’s cruel to allow the delusion. She may need time to plan and prepare.  I’d frame it as “we want YOU to know, but he doesn’t need to know we know. What support do you need? Take time to process the information then tell us how we can help.” If your friend is being abused you need to circle the wagons and do the hard, uncomfortable thing. 

We have decided that five of won’t say anything but drop hints as she is going to need support now and long term.  If we all said something, she would have no one but him left. The others few will say something directly as he is a charmer who can explain it all off and she is completely snowed.  Her second marriage so I think part of it is she doesn’t want to be alone as she is older. 

[Faith-manor]

If he is scamming others for money, fund raising for medical bills or something like that, you could show your proof to the police department. They would be interested, and she would get the news from them, not from friends.

[gardenmom5]

54 minutes ago, Spryte said:

You all think her DH is faking cancer? That’s a thing? That is completely bizarre.

I’m so sorry.

If you read the news - you'd know it was "a thing".  People have gotten money and even bucket list trips because of their "cancer".  That they didn't actually have.

[gardenmom5]

10 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

If he is scamming others for money, fund raising for medical bills or something like that, you could show your proof to the police department. They would be interested, and she would get the news from them, not from friends.

This.

I recall how upset one man was at the guy his sister married.  He tried to stop her from marrying the guy, but she wouldn't listen.

I met the guy and one of our first conversations - I KNEW he was trying to "snow" me.  I can't tell you why I knew, I just did.  We were talking about sheep - so nothing of import.  But I had zero trust in anything he said after that.

A few months later, she got a call.  From the police dept.  He'd been arrested for fraud.  (I think he served seven years?) - anyway,- at that point, she couldn't deny what her family had tried to warn her about before she even married him.

[Pawz4me]

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

If you read the news - you'd know it was "a thing".  People have gotten money and even bucket list trips because of their "cancer".  That they didn't actually have.

Sure.

But . . . faking a spouse? I can't wrap my head around that. I mean I know relationships vary, but when DH was in the process of being diagnosed I was at every appointment. Scans, surgeon, oncologist, radiologist -- if it weren't for the pandemic I would have been to every single one. Even now on the more routine visits (where having someone accompany the patient is discouraged unless necessary) he gets me on the speaker phone. To me it would have to be an unusual relationship for a spouse to not have been to some medical appointment with a cancer patient.

[gardenmom5]

I wonder if general conversations about narcissists/narcissism might "drop hints".   

about how great Dr. Ramani is, and how much you've learned . . . . Maybe it would get her thinking.

Or helping her have the self-respect to know she doesn't deserve to be lied to like this.

[Spryte]

6 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

If you read the news - you'd know it was "a thing".  People have gotten money and even bucket list trips because of their "cancer".  That they didn't actually have.

I do read the news.

I have not, however, read any specific stories of husbands scamming their wives by saying they have cancer. I’m sure they are out there, but it’s not the kind of story I read. I don’t doubt it, but I felt surprised to read it. 🤷‍♀️
 

[itsheresomewhere]

20 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

If he is scamming others for money, fund raising for medical bills or something like that, you could show your proof to the police department. They would be interested, and she would get the news from them, not from friends.

Unfortunately, smart enough to not do that.  

[gardenmom5]

1 minute ago, Pawz4me said:

Sure.

But . . . faking a spouse? I can't wrap my head around that. I mean I know relationships vary, but when DH was in the process of being diagnosed I was at every appointment. Scans, surgeon, oncologist, radiologist -- if it weren't for the pandemic I would have been to every single one. Even now on the more routine visits (where having someone accompany the patient is discouraged unless necessary) he gets me on the speaker phone. To me it would have to be an unusual relationship for a spouse to not have been to some medical appointment with a cancer patient.

yes, it happens.   they simply don't take them to the dr with them, they don't even tell them who their dr is, etc.  it's not as hard as you think.

These people are narcissists - they have "excuses" for everything.  they do a lot of 'stuff' without involving their spouse.  If the spouse asks questions, they'll brush it off.   And because it's always been this way with the spouse, they don't ask questions.

same personality types as bigamists.  Flags get swept under the rug, usually because they're too uncomfortable to face.

[gardenmom5]

2 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I do read the news.

I have not, however, read any specific stories of husbands scamming their wives by saying they have cancer. I’m sure they are out there, but it’s not the kind of story I read. I don’t doubt it, but I felt surprised to read it. 🤷‍♀️
 

I don't read them - but the headlines are there as I'm scanning the pages.

[itsheresomewhere]

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I wonder if general conversations about narcissists/narcissism might "drop hints".   

about how great Dr. Ramani is, and how much you've learned . . . . Maybe it would get her thinking.

Or helping her have the self-respect to know she doesn't deserve to be lied to like this.

That is what we are doing.  Just dropping hints to make her think.  

[Faith-manor]

28 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

Sure.

But . . . faking a spouse? I can't wrap my head around that. I mean I know relationships vary, but when DH was in the process of being diagnosed I was at every appointment. Scans, surgeon, oncologist, radiologist -- if it weren't for the pandemic I would have been to every single one. Even now on the more routine visits (where having someone accompany the patient is discouraged unless necessary) he gets me on the speaker phone. To me it would have to be an unusual relationship for a spouse to not have been to some medical appointment with a cancer patient.

For the vast majority of my father's life, he did not let my mom attend his medical appointments. He wasn't hiding anything so much ad he was a misogynist who didn't give a flip if she was informed, and for darn certain did not want her opinion. He hid serious heart disease for three years because he did not want to take a break from his business for surgery.

[Kassia]

26 minutes ago, Spryte said:

 

I have not, however, read any specific stories of husbands scamming their wives by saying they have cancer. I’m sure they are out there, but it’s not the kind of story I read. I don’t doubt it, but I felt surprised to read it. 🤷‍♀️
 

Same.  It's just baffling that someone would stoop that low and also could get away with it. 

[ikslo]

34 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

Sure.

But . . . faking a spouse? I can't wrap my head around that. I mean I know relationships vary, but when DH was in the process of being diagnosed I was at every appointment. Scans, surgeon, oncologist, radiologist -- if it weren't for the pandemic I would have been to every single one. Even now on the more routine visits (where having someone accompany the patient is discouraged unless necessary) he gets me on the speaker phone. To me it would have to be an unusual relationship for a spouse to not have been to some medical appointment with a cancer patient.

My husband was in his 30s when he met me.  Fully functioning adult, going to doctor's appointments on his own.  I have never been to a doctor's appointment with him.  Only once did he need me to be his ride home after an appointment (biopsy), and it was during covid and I wasn't allowed in. I don't assume he is lying to me when he says he has high blood pressure and prostate cancer.

[Faith-manor]

30 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I do read the news.

I have not, however, read any specific stories of husbands scamming their wives by saying they have cancer. I’m sure they are out there, but it’s not the kind of story I read. I don’t doubt it, but I felt surprised to read it. 🤷‍♀️
 

The case I knew the best was a friend from high school. Her fiance ` faked cancer and managed to snow her, her parents, and his parents. They were in college, and eventually this roommate squealed on him. He didn't do it for money, but for attention and to cover for failing a bunch of classes which he blamed on being sick from chemo. They were fundie and very very anti physical contact prior to marriage, so for him it was extra easy to do.

[Spryte]

13 minutes ago, Kassia said:

Same.  It's just baffling that someone would stoop that low and also could get away with it. 

Every couple I personally know who has dealt with cancer — even the older ones — would find it impossible to fake. Both partners attend appointments and are part of the care plan. Obviously that’s not the case for everyone (waving at ikslo!), it’s just my experience.

The OP surprised me at the end, with the cancer statement, really. I expected some other angle. Another woman, a second life, something more common but still sad. It was a twist ending. 

Not doubting it, just sorry that anyone is going through something so horrible, and sad for OP’s friend.

My own mother was scammed out of her life savings, retirement, and almost all of her belongings in her 70s, by a younger “boyfriend,” so I’m not naive about scammers in general, just never imagined that one could fake cancer to one’s spouse. Learn something new every day.

Edited January 25, 2022 by Spryte
Autocorrect battle, aaack

[Pawz4me]

26 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Every couple I personally know who has dealt with cancer — even the older ones — would find it impossible to fake. Both partners attend appointments and are part of the care plan. Obviously that’s not the case for everyone (waving at ikslo!), it’s just my experience.

The OP surprised me at the end, with the cancer statement, really. I expected some other angle. Another woman, a second life, something more common but still sad. It was a twist ending. 

Not doubting it, just sorry that anyone is going through something so horrible, and sad for OP’s friend.

My own mother was scammed out of her life savings, retirement, and almost all of her belongings in her 70s, by a younger “boyfriend,” so I’m not naive about scammers in general, just never imagined that one could fake cancer to one’s spouse. Learn something every day. 🤣

Same. But we haven't had the good fortune of dealing with "cancer light" or "baby cancer." Not to denigrate anyone else's cancer experience, but . . DH's is much too serious to have the luxury of NOT having had major surgery (requiring a multi day hospitalization), other procedures that required sedation so that an accompanying adult/driver was needed, etc., etc. Our experience has also been that when you're weighing one treatment over another and talking about the number of months of progression free survival one offers over another versus potential life threatening side effects and things like that -- the oncologist definitely wants the patient to have a support/advocate with them. Ours actively encourages it, and has said he'll sign off on me coming to any appointment, pandemic rules or not.

Thankfully the one person we know with prostate cancer is doing quite well and has a very good prognosis, but it's the same story--his wife has been to every appointment with him, he's had multiple procedures that necessitated someone accompanying him, etc.

I simply can't fathom how a spouse couldn't know, how their assistance couldn't have been required at some appointment or surgery or . . . something.

Edited January 25, 2022 by Pawz4me

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, itsheresomewhere said:

We have decided that five of won’t say anything but drop hints as she is going to need support now and long term.  If we all said something, she would have no one but him left. The others few will say something directly as he is a charmer who can explain it all off and she is completely snowed.  Her second marriage so I think part of it is she doesn’t want to be alone as she is older. 

I'm confused. Maybe it's because I had no idea that faking cancer was something anyone would do, but I'm trying to figure out the guy's angle. What benefit is he deriving from this? How is he using it to scam his own wife?

I'm not doubting your story at all -- I just don't understand what you know that she doesn't know, and how he is using this lie to scam her, and how she might be in danger if she finds out the truth.

I'm sorry to be so clueless!

Edited January 25, 2022 by Catwoman

[itsheresomewhere]

34 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Every couple I personally know who has dealt with cancer — even the older ones — would find it impossible to fake. Both partners attend appointments and are part of the care plan. Obviously that’s not the case for everyone (waving at ikslo!), it’s just my experience.

The OP surprised me at the end, with the cancer statement, really. I expected some other angle. Another woman, a second life, something more common but still sad. It was a twist ending. 

Not doubting it, just sorry that anyone is going through something so horrible, and sad for OP’s friend.

My own mother was scammed out of her life savings, retirement, and almost all of her belongings in her 70s, by a younger “boyfriend,” so I’m not naive about scammers in general, just never imagined that one could fake cancer to one’s spouse. Learn something new every day.

One would think.  This “cancer” battle is a new addition to his tactics.  His downfall in him telling her this is everyone of us has personal experience with cancer and medical experience.  So his “stories” didn’t add up.  She has never had to deal with it before.  Unless there really is a wonder drug no one knows about that makes you throw up the cancer and can have your cancer completely treated by telemed ( no office visits even before the pandemic). 

Edited January 25, 2022 by itsheresomewhere

[itsheresomewhere]

5 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I'm confused. Maybe it's because I had no idea that faking cancer was something anyone would do, but I'm trying to figure out the guy's angle. What benefit is he deriving from this? How is he using it to scam his own wife?

I'm not doubting your story at all -- I just don't understand what you know that she doesn't know, and how he is using this lie to scam her, and how she might be in danger if she finds out the truth.

I'm sorry to be so clueless!

That is what we are trying to figure out.   Is it the power of being in complete control of someone who thinks everything you say is correct or is it/was it the money.  And you can’t call it financial fraud if you are spending the money certain ways.  
 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by itsheresomewhere

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I have a high school acquaintance who I am convinced has some form of Munchausen’s.  She has claimed to have “blood cancer” for six or seven years along with many, many other ailments.  The stories she posts on FB are so see through to anyone who has any form of medical training or has been a patient with anything serious.   No one ever calls her out on it because she then gaslights, backtracks, privately accuses you of lying or misinterpreting what she says.  The end game is all attention for her; I don’t know if that’s what your friends husband is going for or what he’s getting out of it.  She leaves churches and friend groups whenever more than a few people start seriously questioning her myriad of ailments.

Personally, I’d just call him out on it. Ask questions like you’re going along with it until he’s so caught up in the lies that she has to see what’s going on. 

[Catwoman]

12 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

One would think.  This “cancer” battle is a new addition to his tactics.  His downfall in him telling her this is everyone of us has personal experience with cancer and medical experience.  So his “stories” didn’t add up.  She has never had to deal with it before.  Unless there really is a wonder drug no one knows about that makes you throw up the cancer and can have your cancer completely treated by telemed ( no office visits even before the pandemic). 

Honestly, how gullible is she?

I don't mean to sound flippant, but a quick visit to Dr. Google would disprove claims like that.

This is so weird. No wonder you don't know what to do -- if she is truly that obtuse and clueless, I'm not sure how you can convince her. 

I have to admit, though, that I would do what has already been suggested -- get your friends together and stage an intervention, with proof that his claims are lies. If nothing else, you will know that you have done everything you can. Letting her believe his lies when you know what he is doing is not being a good friend to her -- and when she finds out the truth and learns that all of you knew it all along, she is going to feel betrayed by both her husband and her friends, and she may feel like she has no one to turn to for help.

[itsheresomewhere]

4 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I have a high school acquaintance who I am convinced has some form of Munchausen’s.  She has claimed to have “blood cancer” for six or seven years along with many, many other ailments.  The stories she posts on FB are so see through to anyone who has any form of medical training or has been a patient with anything serious.   No one ever calls her out on it because she then gaslights, backtracks, privately accuses you of lying or misinterpreting what she says.  The end game is all attention for her; I don’t know if that’s what your friends husband is going for or what he’s getting out of it.  She leaves churches and friend groups whenever more than a few people start seriously questioning her myriad of ailments.

Personally, I’d just call him out on it. Ask questions like you’re going along with it until he’s so caught up in the lies that she has to see what’s going on. 

I think it is a combo of things that gives him the high.   We don’t get to see him as he is currently in hiding in a room in the house to stay safe from germs due to his “cancer”.  I know she has a doctors appointment this week so I am hoping she might say something that her doctor might question. 

[Faith-manor]

Also covid protocols make it easier. Locally, no one can bring another person into the medical facility for an appointment without approval. For MIL, I can walk her to the door but despite her confusion, memory lapse, and poor physical condition, I am not allowed inside the office/lab/hospital. If she had a surgical procedure, I might be able to get permission, but mostly it is all, "go sit in the car or at home and wait to be briefed by phone if she says it is okay for us to call". He may be able to use that for a little duck and cover.

He legally has a right to privacy. He does not have to allow her to have access to his medical information nor attend an appointment. If she has very limited or zero experience with serious illness or injury, combined with a desire to ostrich because she doesn't want to face the truth, I can see it happening. Sociopaths are good at what they do and especially so with a naive victim.

It is crazy. Normally there is a financial motive, but maybe he is just a sicko who likes to pull one over on her.

[ikslo]

25 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

Same. But we haven't had the good fortune of dealing with "cancer light" or "baby cancer." Not to denigrate anyone else's cancer experience, but . . DH's is much too serious to have the luxury of NOT having had major surgery (requiring a multi day hospitalization), other procedures that required sedation so that an accompanying adult/driver was needed, etc., etc. Our experience has also been that when you're weighing one treatment over another and talking about the number of months of progression free survival one offers over another versus potential life threatening side effects and things like that -- the oncologist definitely wants the patient to have a support/advocate with them. Ours actively encourages it, and has said he'll sign off on me coming to any appointment, pandemic rules or not.

Thankfully the one person we know with prostate cancer is doing quite well and has a very good prognosis, but it's the same story--his wife has been to every appointment with him, he's had multiple procedures that necessitated someone accompanying him, etc.

I simply can't fathom how a spouse couldn't know, how their assistance couldn't have been required at some appointment or surgery or . . . something.

I guess we're just not at that stage yet.  But my point was just because it isn't one's own personal experience, doesn't automatically mean the person is faking.  Who knows? Maybe I'll be posting two years from now that it was all a lie and I can't believe I was hoodwinked.

[itsheresomewhere]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

Honestly, how gullible is she?

I don't mean to sound flippant, but a quick visit to Dr. Google would disprove claims like that.

This is so weird. No wonder you don't know what to do -- if she is truly that obtuse and clueless, I'm not sure how you can convince her. 

I have to admit, though, that I would do what has already been suggested -- get your friends together and stage an intervention, with proof that his claims are lies. If nothing else, you will know that you have done everything you can. Letting her believe his lies when you know what he is doing is not being a good friend to her -- and when she finds out the truth and learns that all of you knew it all along, she is going to feel betrayed by both her husband and her friends, and she may feel like she has no one to turn to for help.

Not internet or tech abled.  She can use a phone and that is it.  
 

I did Google his “doctor” in front of her one day.  No one came up and he explained that to her that his doctor is so specialized that he doesn’t need to advertise for patients.  She bought it.   

[Faith-manor]

3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Honestly, how gullible is she?

I don't mean to sound flippant, but a quick visit to Dr. Google would disprove claims like that.

This is so weird. No wonder you don't know what to do -- if she is truly that obtuse and clueless, I'm not sure how you can convince her. 

I have to admit, though, that I would do what has already been suggested -- get your friends together and stage an intervention, with proof that his claims are lies. If nothing else, you will know that you have done everything you can. Letting her believe his lies when you know what he is doing is not being a good friend to her -- and when she finds out the truth and learns that all of you knew it all along, she is going to feel betrayed by both her husband and her friends, and she may feel like she has no one to turn to for help.

My husband's bosses wife, his first boss many moons ago, was raised very Duggar style. She was profoundly gullible! Like we were just "Wow" at the level of basic grown up living stuff.that she did not know. Epic. And it stuck with her. she just didn't get over it. Later on when she had teens, we caught up with them again, and it was the same thing. Her own kids did a lot of, "Mom, you have got to start thinking" type comments. The worst thing was her misogynist prick husband thought it was hilarious to tell her all kinds of untrue crap and watch her fall for it, find out later he had lied, and then end up embarassed . He was a jerk boss too so it is good that DH didn't work for him very long before finding a better job.

[itsheresomewhere]

3 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Also covid protocols make it easier. Locally, no one can bring another person into the medical facility for an appointment without approval. For MIL, I can walk her to the door but despite her confusion, memory lapse, and poor physical condition, I am not allowed inside the office/lab/hospital. If she had a surgical procedure, I might be able to get permission, but mostly it is all, "go sit in the car or at home and wait to be briefed by phone if she says it is okay for us to call". He may be able to use that for a little duck and cover.

He legally has a right to privacy. He does not have to allow her to have access to his medical information nor attend an appointment. If she has very limited or zero experience with serious illness or injury, combined with a desire to ostrich because she doesn't want to face the truth, I can see it happening. Sociopaths are good at what they do and especially so with a naive victim.

It is crazy. Normally there is a financial motive, but maybe he is just a sicko who likes to pull one over on her.

I think there was a financial motive originally but that boat has now been sunk.  

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, ikslo said:

I guess we're just not at that stage yet.  But my point was just because it isn't one's own personal experience, doesn't automatically mean the person is faking.  Who knows? Maybe I'll be posting two years from now that it was all a lie and I can't believe I was hoodwinked.

This story seems crazy, though -- I'm sure your dh isn't faking!!! 

Also, you're a very bright person, so I'm sure you would be more than a little suspicious if your dh was telling you he could be cured by vomiting and telemedicine! 

[ikslo]

Now you all have me wanting to Google my husband's doctor 😂

[Catwoman]

Just now, itsheresomewhere said:

I think there was a financial motive originally but that boat has now been sunk.  

So what's his end game? What benefit is he deriving from this?

I'm sorry to keep asking questions, but this whole thing is kind of mind boggling and I'm trying to make sense of it.

[itsheresomewhere]

Just now, ikslo said:

Now you all have me wanting to Google my husband's doctor 😂

Lol.  I am betting his can be found on Google.  

[itsheresomewhere]

Just now, Catwoman said:

So what's his end game? What benefit is he deriving from this?

I'm sorry to keep asking questions, but this whole thing is kind of mind boggling and I'm trying to make sense of it.

Not really sure.  There is some other stuff we have found out but I can’t say on here.  

[ikslo]

1 minute ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Lol.  I am betting his can be found on Google.  

Or our medical bills all over the kitchen counter 

[Faith-manor]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

So what's his end game? What benefit is he deriving from this?

I'm sorry to keep asking questions, but this whole thing is kind of mind boggling and I'm trying to make sense of it.

He could have started it as a money scam, didn't pan out, and then knew if he admitted it to her, she might leave him. If he thinks he would be wiped out financially in a divorce, that would be a good incentive to run the con as long as he can.

[Catwoman]

5 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Not internet or tech abled.  She can use a phone and that is it.  
 

I did Google his “doctor” in front of her one day.  No one came up and he explained that to her that his doctor is so specialized that he doesn’t need to advertise for patients.  She bought it.   

Wow. I don't know anyone who doesn't use the internet. 

Even if she won't believe anything you tell her about her dh, maybe you and your friends can help her get a little more tech-savvy. She sounds like the perfect victim right now, and maybe if she develops some basic skills, she will be better equipped to cope with her life once she finally wises up and realizes what her husband has been doing to her.

[itsheresomewhere]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Wow. I don't know anyone who doesn't use the internet. 

Even if she won't believe anything you tell her about her dh, maybe you and your friends can help her get a little more tech-savvy. She sounds like the perfect victim right now, and maybe if she develops some basic skills, she will be better equipped to cope with her life once she finally wises up and realizes what her husband has been doing to her.

Older and doesn’t see the need. We have been showing her all the cute cat/dog videos she could be watching if she wanted too.  

Edited January 25, 2022 by itsheresomewhere

[Catwoman]

Just now, itsheresomewhere said:

Older and doesn’t see the need. 

Ok, I have to ask. How old is she?

[itsheresomewhere]

Just now, Catwoman said:

Ok, I have to ask. How old is she?

One is 64 and the other is 74

[Catwoman]

7 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

One is 64 and the other is 74

That seems so young to not use the internet or have smart phones!

We have several family members, friends, and clients older than 74 who are all at least relatively tech-savvy. I'm so sorry your friend seems to be living in the past when it comes to this sort of thing. It sounds like she likes living in her own little bubble with her dh and doesn't like the idea of change -- and maybe that's why she might be being willfully obtuse to her husband's lies. Maybe she's too afraid of change to face the truth. 

I feel sad for her. 

[Moonhawk]

I understand you and friends don't feel like you'd win in a head-to-head with him, since she believes any excuse he gives.

Can you lead her to the water backward? Like, say you're very concerned about next steps of his cancer treatment, and since you/friends have experience with cancer recovery and support, let's plan a day to get you all set up with all the info you need, without having to stress out the cancer patient. Little tips you've found helpful in care and recovery.

Things like: if he has a relapse, or is unconscious on the floor one morning -- which happens to cancer patients, doncha know -- you need the number of his doctor. And not just his doctor: his pharmacist, and a list of the medications he's on, so you can tell paramedics if they seem necessary. And, the hospital the doctor wants him taken to. And who to ask for at the hospital. 

Also, as the person who is making his food, she needs to make sure that his medications don't have a contraindication with his food, since almost all cancer meds/patients have special needs; while you've never heard of a med that lets someone "vomit out cancer" it must need special dietary needs since it's affecting his digestive system. She can't take his word for it if he says nothing special or just a few tweaks: he may be willing to suffer because he loves your cooking, or maybe his doctor wasn't clear, or maybe he was told while he was having "cancer brain fog", and she really needs to see the fine print on the medication papers to make sure because how horrible would it be for him to suffer through this but then the medicines aren't working because of his food. 

Also, you/friends have found that going to a recovery consult has been essential to long-term recovery, because the doctor often knows what a spouse can do to help speed recovery and what signs to watch for for relapse. And since it's telemed, she can easily just pop in and out, she doesn't have to be there for "embarrassing" questions.

Regardless, hugs to you and your friends as it must be so frustrating to just watch from the sidelines but can't yell loud enough to be heard.

[itsheresomewhere]

1 minute ago, Moonhawk said:

I understand you and friends don't feel like you'd win in a head-to-head with him, since she believes any excuse he gives.

Can you lead her to the water backward? Like, say you're very concerned about next steps of his cancer treatment, and since you/friends have experience with cancer recovery and support, let's plan a day to get you all set up with all the info you need, without having to stress out the cancer patient. Little tips you've found helpful in care and recovery.

Things like: if he has a relapse, or is unconscious on the floor one morning -- which happens to cancer patients, doncha know -- you need the number of his doctor. And not just his doctor: his pharmacist, and a list of the medications he's on, so you can tell paramedics if they seem necessary. And, the hospital the doctor wants him taken to. And who to ask for at the hospital. 

Also, as the person who is making his food, she needs to make sure that his medications don't have a contraindication with his food, since almost all cancer meds/patients have special needs; while you've never heard of a med that lets someone "vomit out cancer" it must need special dietary needs since it's affecting his digestive system. She can't take his word for it if he says nothing special or just a few tweaks: he may be willing to suffer because he loves your cooking, or maybe his doctor wasn't clear, or maybe he was told while he was having "cancer brain fog", and she really needs to see the fine print on the medication papers to make sure because how horrible would it be for him to suffer through this but then the medicines aren't working because of his food. 

Also, you/friends have found that going to a recovery consult has been essential to long-term recovery, because the doctor often knows what a spouse can do to help speed recovery and what signs to watch for for relapse. And since it's telemed, she can easily just pop in and out, she doesn't have to be there for "embarrassing" questions.

Regardless, hugs to you and your friends as it must be so frustrating to just watch from the sidelines but can't yell loud enough to be heard.

He will not share any of this as this is his battle.  He holds the number to the doctors in his phone. And the telemed appointments are via a normal phone call.  He will not give permission for them to speak to her.  He claims he is saving her from worrying.  Plus, his “doctor” has someone bring his cancer medicine conveniently as she has just left.  
 

It is hard as we want to shout it and shake her but can’t.  He has cut off too many who did question things.  Best place for us right now is to be there when everything falls. 

[Faith-manor]

13 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

That seems so young to not use the internet or have smart phones!

We have several family members, friends, and clients older than 74 who are all at least relatively tech-savvy. I'm so sorry your friend seems to be living in the past when it comes to this sort of thing. It sounds like she likes living in her own little bubble with her dh and doesn't like the idea of change -- and maybe that's why she might be being willfully obtuse to her husband's lies. Maybe she's too afraid of change to face the truth. 

I feel sad for her. 

I agree with you that there is some willful ostrichness going on. When it crashes, it is going to be quite a train wreck. 😱