Sorted and deleted

[Dianthus]

Deleted

Edited January 24, 2022 by Spirea

[Catwoman]

I'm not quoting, but is this about you?  😞 

How old are the kids? 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

My kids wouldn’t understand this at all, but they are 11, 9 and 6.  I turned 40 last fall and I get it, but my kids would never not celebrate it.

[Corraleno]

I think the person whose birthday it is gets to decide how to celebrate (or not), and anyone who goes against those wishes is being passive aggressive. Depending on the dynamic of the relationship, it can also be a set up — go against the person's wishes and then when they complain accuse them of being ungrateful or a stick-in-the-mud or whatever. (I've been on the receiving end of that one too many times...)

[Dianthus]

X

Edited January 24, 2022 by Spirea

[Kassia]

I think the birthday person should get to decide and others should respect their wishes. 

The only time I think I'd change my mind about this is if the kids themselves knew/remembered it was a birthday and wanted to do something special to celebrate their parent.  Then I think it would be nice to let them do it if possible.  But I'd be pretty irritated if someone else was pushing it on me.  

[Bambam]

My birthday? If I don't want to celebrate, then we don't do anything. People might still send cards, and it is appropriate, I think, to still acknowledge those. 

I'd say I want to save the celebration for later if my mom was really we-must-do-something.  And maybe some day later when I feel like something, we could do a spontaneous picnic in the park. 

 

[Melissa Louise]

She should be allowed to have the birthday she wants, and if that means ignoring it, fine. I hate forced birthday celebrations, and I generally enjoy mine.

Is there something she might like to do that day? Would mom.babysit so birthday person could have some time to themselves ?

 

[GoodGrief3]

I totally get it. I hate celebrating my birthday, and it's not about getting older. I just don't care for the fuss.

Oddly enough, this inclination makes people more likely to want to "surprise" me with a celebration, so I don't know. Accepting the cake might be your best bet. Give some to the kids, freeze the rest.

[Miss Tick]

Maybe the mom could have the kids over for a "Tuesday cake" with candles along with dinner and a movie. The birthday girl gets time by herself, grandma gets the darn cake, the kids have a grand time, win-win-win! Wait, you could even *tell* the kids what is happening. "For my birthday I'm going to take a nap, eat a big salad, and then watch the news. Since that might not be fun for you, you get to go to Grandma's, eat cake, watch a movie and do a GLITTER CRAFT!"

[Selkie]

I don't understand the "go big or go home", "either a big celebration or nothing" part. I thought she doesn't want any acknowledgment of her birthday. Seems like those conflicting wishes are setting the dh up to fail. 

[Kassia]

4 minutes ago, GoodGrief3 said:

 

Oddly enough, this inclination makes people more likely to want to "surprise" me with a celebration, 

That is horrifying!  I have two kids who hate the fuss and I wouldn't dream of doing that to them.  What a way to ruin their special day! 

[Katy]

Tell DH you want a trip NOT cake.  This has nothing to do with go big or go home.  It's about him delivering what you actually want instead of what you don't want. Perfectly reasonable to me, but maybe you didn't state it in such clear terms to him?

[Dianthus]

X

Edited January 24, 2022 by Spirea

[Dianthus]

X

Edited January 24, 2022 by Spirea

[Kassia]

8 minutes ago, Spirea said:

She hates her bday generally, but tolerates it. I think she is conflicted. She said she didn't want anything then later she remembered what she did for her dh's bday and then felt a bit hurt. He is great but I don't think it would even occur to him to do that for her.

 

8 minutes ago, Spirea said:

I also think she would do something with just her kids but doesn't want to tolerate what her mother is planning.

I feel bad for the birthday person - this is just sounding like such a mess for her.  😞 

[Melissa Louise]

If I were the birthday person, I'd just tune out all the noise and ask 'What do I want to do?' and then do that.

It's what I do for my b'days. Sometimes I want a party and sometimes I want to lie in bed and read, and I just do my best to make that happen for myself. 

I hope the birthday person ends up having a lovely day. 

[Selkie]

11 minutes ago, Spirea said:

She hates her bday generally, but tolerates it. I think she is conflicted. She said she didn't want anything then later she remembered what she did for her dh's bday and then felt a bit hurt. He is great but I don't think it would even occur to him to do that for her.

Didn't your dh get you several very nice Christmas presents and you were upset because of the money he spent? He is probably confused about what will make you happy.

[Dianthus]

So she says now she'll just go along with whatever and is too tired to make it an issue. Her mother helps her a lot with the kids and she wants to make her happy too. I'll try to help her plan something she actually wants into the day.

So I'm going to delete the posts.

[Dianthus]

@Selkie I didn't say this was me.   money isn't an issue with them.

Edited January 24, 2022 by Spirea

[marbel]

I think in general people get to do what they want for their birthday. I think though it's important and good for kids to see these sorts of celebrations (however they play out in the family/culture/religion if that's relevant) and in particular to see mom being celebrated. I don't understand the mother/grandmother's deal here, I would think a person who knew and loved the birthday person would want to find a way to celebrate in a way that worked for the person being celebrated. 

So often I have heard/read of women feeling hurt and/or angry because their families don't acknowledge their birthdays or other special days (anniversary, Valentine's Day, etc). So even though I am often rather blue around my birthday we have always done something. My son in particular, who doesn't "get" social conventions naturally, has needed to see this. I didn't want him to grow up not understanding these sorts of occasions and disappointing his as-yet-hypothetical SO. 

I think the birthday person's mother should be told kindly that the celebration is planned and it is not going to include what she wants. But I would also let her make a cake and have the kids over another time. The birthday person can eat or not eat the cake. 

I also think the birthday person should be straightforward with her husband; if she wants a trip, she should tell him she wants a trip. It doesn't have to be immediately after he returns from his work trip, does it? But the trip she gave him has nothing to do with her birthday. I mean, if equal reciprocation is expected, it wasn't really a gift at all. 

Edited January 24, 2022 by marbel

[bolt.]

In general, I think the birthday person should get to do whatever she wants -- including nothing, if that's a true and deep preference.

However, if some people in her life do have a deep respectful regard, love, and appreciation for this person, there is some level of unkindness in 'taking away' all possible ways of acknowledging those truths on or around that person's birthday. A message of, "Please love me by ignoring me." -- is quite difficult for a person's loved ones to live up to. It feels both kind and unkind; respectful and unjust; all mixed together.

So, if at all possible, I suggest that the birthday person find some acceptable way for those people to express those things on or around this day. If there's actually *nothing* that wouldn't be hurtful, of course she is free to stick to asking for no acknowledgements whatsoever. But if there's any small way to give a "Do this instead." -- message; well, I think that would be better for all the people in this relationship web.

It's worth getting creative. Could she handle cards in the mail? A cup of fancy tea (no cake)? A thing on a different day (maybe after DH is home)?

In any case, it shouldn't be about what the kids would enjoy. That's what kids' birthdays are for. Grandmas can get a bit over-focused on what kids like, but on one's birthday is the *last* day a woman should be thinking about 'enduring' kids' things for kids' sake. A birthday is not a public holiday that's supposed to please everyone (the younger the better). It's supposed to please the birthday person!