nm; thanks all

[MercyA]

Thank you all. You are very important to me and your kind words, suggestions, and songs shored me up. I repeated several of them in my head, esp. Quill's "I am an impervious wall of stone." Going to keep reading this thread over this next week.

I did not cry, because the conversation did not go how I thought it would. I still need to find the strength and wisdom to create boundaries with this person. 

Love to all. 

Please don't quote.

Edited January 22, 2022 by MercyA

[scholastica]

🙏

[Spryte]

You’re not an idiot!

I’m so sorry you are hurt.

Beaming strength and wisdom to you.

[fraidycat]

I'm sorry. I don't know you IRL, but from what I can tell from these boards, you are a person with a gigantic heart full of kindness. Unfortunately, people with less kindness will take advantage of that. 🥲🥲

I hope you are able to find a way to set a boundary out of kindness to yourself. 
 

Big hugs!!

[prairiewindmomma]

Sending you love and well wishes!

[Katy]

You're not an idiot. You've been following the path of love - always trusting, always hoping. Now that you know not to expect better from this person, you can draw a boundary.

[KSera]

I’m sorry, Mercy. I pray for the strength for you to say what you need to say. 

[ktgrok]

Tell yourself they are a waste of your emotional energy. 

[Catwoman]

Praying for you! I hope you will have the strength to stand up to this person (and if anyone is an idiot, it’s that person, not you!!!)

[Tap]

(((((Hugs ))))  

When I need to do things like this, I write out what I want to say to the person. It really helps me think it all through and helps me to prioritize what I need to say. Whether or not they hear or understand, isn't as important as you saying what you need to. 

I'm sorry you are hurting. ((((( ♥️))))))

[Melissa Louise]

Not an idiot. Sending good thoughts for the right mantra or phrase. And a gentle hug if you want one x

 

[Slache]

(((Big hugs)))

[Rosie_0801]

Try this one:

“Elinor agreed to it all, for she did not think he deserved the compliment of rational opposition.” ― Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility.

[Guest]

I have a mantra for you, “I have value, I’m *NOT* an idiot, I am a very wise person who sees exactly what she does and it has nothing to do with me; I am an impervious wall of stone.”

I have gotten my life close to 100% free of useless people. I highly recommend it. 

[BlsdMama]

Being generous towards someone doesn’t make you an idiot. It makes you kind. Taking advantage of generosity does reflect something about the take… 😒 

 

I’m so sorry. 

[Kassia]

10 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

Being generous towards someone doesn’t make you an idiot. It makes you kind. Taking advantage of generosity does reflect something about the take… 😒 

 

I’m so sorry. 

This is what I wanted to say.  You are absolutely not an idiot.  Not even close.  You are a kind person and others see that and take advantage of you.  I hate that being kind results in your getting hurt.  Sending big hugs to you.  

[cintinative]

I just wanted to say--you are not an idiot.

Being a loving person does not make you an idiot.  Love is one of the fruits of the Spirit, so is patience and kindness and gentleness.  Is it wrong to have these traits? No, absolutely not.

The hard part is balancing this against what we know from Scripture. Have you ever noticed that Jesus did not push Himself to convince the Pharisees and Sadducees that He is Lord? He knew their hearts, that they were hard, and that this would be futile.  Similarly, why didn't He chase after the rich young ruler and say, "come, I know you can choose the right thing?"  Because He knew that the rich young ruler wouldn't.  Sometimes, we are given this discernment about people, that investing in them is the equivalent of pearls before swine (Mt 7:6).  It's hard. We don't want to give up on people.  We know how much we have been forgiven.  Yet we see in Scripture that even Jesus sometimes walked away.  His wisdom was perfect, ours is not, and yet James 1 says that if we ask for wisdom God will give it generously. So we ask for wisdom in those relationships where we feel we should walk away and we trust that God will do all He promises and give us that wisdom. We trust God to take care of that person, far better than we ever could.  And we pray Phil 4:6 that the peace of God would guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus and that He would help us to set our hearts at rest whenever our hearts condemn us (1 Jn 3:17-20).

Many hugs to you.  

 

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, cintinative said:

I just wanted to say--you are not an idiot.

Being a loving person does not make you an idiot.  Love is one of the fruits of the Spirit, so is patience and kindness and gentleness.  Is it wrong to have these traits? No, absolutely not.

The hard part is balancing this against what we know from Scripture. Have you ever noticed that Jesus did not push Himself to convince the Pharisees and Sadducees that He is Lord? He knew their hearts, that they were hard, and that this would be futile.  Similarly, why didn't He chase after the rich young ruler and say, "come, I know you can choose the right thing?"  Because He knew that the rich young ruler wouldn't.  Sometimes, we are given this discernment about people, that investing in them is the equivalent of pearls before swine (Mt 7:6).  It's hard. We don't want to give up on people.  We know how much we have been forgiven.  Yet we see in Scripture that even Jesus sometimes walked away.  His wisdom was perfect, ours is not, and yet James 1 says that if we ask for wisdom God will give it generously. So we ask for wisdom in those relationships where we feel we should walk away and we trust that God will do all He promises and give us that wisdom. We trust God to take care of that person, far better than we ever could.  And we pray Phil 4:6 that the peace of God would guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus and that He would help us to set our hearts at rest whenever our hearts condemn us (1 Jn 3:17-20).

Many hugs to you.  

 

ooh....discernment - what a great word to hold on to!!!

Maybe some reading in scripture on discernment would help. 

If not, well, this is no where near as um...dignified...but I found great help in this song when I was working through my codependence issues. When someone who had proven themselves unworthy of my emotional energy, I'd repeat this song in my head. 

 

 

[chiguirre]

I think your mantra should be "Bye, Felicia". If you can't avoid dealing with this person this time, at least make it the last time.

[73349]

*hugs*

A mantra to try: I can't change other people; I will make the choice that does the least harm.

[MercyA]

.

Edited January 22, 2022 by MercyA

[cintinative]

22 minutes ago, MercyA said:

 

Please continue to pray and send good thoughts for wisdom to know what to say, the ability to articulate it, and no tears!

praying this from James 1: 

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[Tiberia]

You are not an idiot for being kind, trusting, and loving. You are adding hope to a situation that doesn't necessarily warrant such hope. I'm sorry you keep getting hurt. You are innocent as a dove; now you must work on becoming wise as a serpent, without losing the innocence. You sound like a very sweet, loving person, and you won't lose that by setting some boundaries to protect yourself. Give yourself permission to set boundaries and lower your expectations. 

Hugs to you. I'm glad you have a great husband!

Edited January 22, 2022 by Tiberia

[Lady Florida.]

No @MercyA you're not an idiot. You're a caring, generous person who tries to give people the benefit of the doubt. At least that's what I see here and I can't imagine that you're different IRL. I'm sorry you were hurt again by this person. 

[AmandaVT]

I try to think of family/friends/acquaintances as belonging in a series of concentric circles. The people that "live" in the innermost circle are the ones I devote the most energy/emotion to. And then as the circles move outward, the energy I'm willing to give lessens. Currently, I have a very dear friend struggling with grief from losing her husband and she is understandably needier and because she's in one of the innermost circles, I will give her everything I have, even when she's asking a lot. It's the least I can do for her. Other people, who have hurt me or who are emotionally unsafe, get much less of my energy/time/emotion. People can move from circle to circle, so they're not fixed. 

Maybe you can mentally place this person in a circle that you have assigned them. One that doesn't ask you to give much, if any emotional energy, you can remind yourself what you're willing to give when they are being unreasonable. 

I can kind of envision something like this: "Mercy, I need you to spend 6 hours in 0 degree weather with no coat, while moving icicles one at a time from one side of a football field to another."

You: "Thanks for asking, but that doesn't work for me. Best of luck with your project."

Them: "You're a terrible horrible person and I can't believe you won't do this one tiny thing for me after everything I've done for you!" 

You (mentally reminding yourself of the energy you're willing to give): "OK - I hope all goes well for you. Have a great afternoon." 

And then you don't need to think about it any longer except to contemplate them moving icicles alone, while you're focusing your energy on people in the inner circles.

[goldberry]

I had to open this thread, because I saw the title and thought "No way is Mercy an idiot". ((hugs))  I've learned that when we trust too much it's because we judge others by how we ourselves would act.  We would want a second chance, and WE wouldn't spoil it!  We would do it better.  It's hard for us to understand how some people just won't.  I don't want to ever be stupid.  But erring on the side of trust/love/compassion, even when it bites me sometimes?  I'm okay with that.

So please don't feel bad.  Their behavior is on them.  Agreeing they are not worth your emotional energy.  

[kbutton]

Another song...not so much about boundaries (sounds like it's about people you can't avoid), but the feelings are pretty apt. 

 

[DreamerGirl]

I have very few people I know who I would consider try their utmost to be kind in every interaction. You are one of the people I know in real and online. It comes shining through with every interaction you make. 

That does not make you an idiot. Not at all.

But show the same kindness you give others to yourself. 

It is ok to set boundaries. It is ok to walk away. It is ok to say I cannot do this.

You are a strong, wise woman

Sending ((hugs)) and good thoughts.

 

[Scarlett]

Aww

[lauraw4321]

Someone said “I’m not taken advantage of. I give my advantage away.”  I embrace that. I try not to give unless its conscious and giving so that I can echo those words if I am “taken advantage of” in the eyes of the world. 
 

and you definitely aren’t an idiot.