Adult sibling relationships

[saraha]

As a spin off of my other thread, I  am exploring the idea that a totem pole system for siblings is not the norm.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I am estranged from my only brother, by his choice although I have no idea why. He is also estranged from our mother (I know the reason here) and only responds to texts from my sister like once a year. My sister has some mental health issues of her own that resemble the narcissism that my mother suffers from. We are untangling a crazy web with my mother, but are not close. So far  we have not had to work together on anything.

I married the youngest child of a farm family. All three siblings live within 5 miles of dh’s parents. The siblings are not close, like seek to hang out with each other besides organized get togethers, but speak often as there is cooperative work that happens on the main farm. There is definitely a hierarchy, or pecking order. Oldest is sil and she is always taking charge of everything. She and fil give a ton of weight to her husband’s opinions on anything.
Next is bil, he has an equally strong personality and the older two often disagree. Sil and bil give his wife very little weight to her opinions and ideas. They are never solicited.

Dh is the youngest and unless there is a split on a decision that needs to be made, he is not given a single ounce of weight. No one solicits his opinion on things. As his wife, I rarely am acknowledged let alone sought out or heard. I thought this was a normal dynamic in close families, I didn’t like it, but just excepted my spot. It has been very negative for dh. His self esteem has always been in the dirt.  It has only been in the last five years or so that he has stopped trying to be seen and not treated like a perpetual child. He has been pulling back from any not necessary engagements. This has led to accusations of non participation within the family by his siblings. He just kind of shrugged and said you know where I live, and has spent time with his parents on his own terms.
 

What do your sibling relationships look like? Are you happy with them? How does your relationship with your siblings impact how your parent your children?

[Melissa Louise]

Good.

Mostly.

I admire their parenting and think they do an awesome job, but our kids are at different stages, so not so much influence.

There's no totem pole. 

 

[freesia]

That is not my experience with my family or that of my dh. There is no totem pole. Both our dads have passed. We are both oldest children. MIL asks opinions of both her children and takes both into account. The only reasons she may go with SIL’s opinions a bit more are that SIL is local so knows the situation better and also bc SIL is more like MIL and less pragmatic than dh, so SIL’s opinions  match MIL’s more often. They live about three hours away and we see them every couple of months and keep in touch by phone and text group. 
 

My family is spread about more and we all get together twice a year and keep in contact by text group in between ( and zoom during Covid.) oh, except I call my mom once a week or so. My mom tends to make decisions without getting input but does share big decisions with us all and listen if we have opinions. My brother is more involved in her affairs but that makes sense bc he is a lawyer and local to her so things like medical POA and access to her money are easier if in his hands. 
I am sorry your families treat you so badly. 

[freesia]

Oh, my relationship with my siblings doesn’t impact my parenting.

[Carrie12345]

I live 12 hours away from my sisters. I text with one of them pretty much daily. I don’t talk to the other. Those two talk to each other. 

I’ve never really thought about them in regards to my parenting.

I do wish my kids knew their cousins “for real”, but mine are much older anyway. (Well, there’s one between my 4th and 5th.)

[Arcadia]

I have only one sibling, a brother nine years younger than me. We don’t have any hierarchy though any bureaucratic red tape stuff gets auto dump on me. 
My dad was the youngest of 9 and bullied by some of his siblings. His oldest sibling does protect him when possible (his mom practice favoritism)

My husband is at the bottom of the totem pole. He is always called upon for tasks but never for nice stuff. Big reason for having our first marital home on the opposite end of the island from his parents, and then relocating to the states. My husband has always been more willing to think the best of others but his brother is now so deep in MLM that it is harming FIL’s health so my husband is just hoping it’s unintentional and not because of the five digit monthly income financial gains from MLM. His brother is MIL’s favorite. His sister is pragmatic and FIL’s favorite. My husband, kids and I are never acknowledged unless we did something brag worthy like my husband being the first grandchild to get a PhD. 

[matrips]

Our sibling relationships have changed over time due to distance and families.  But we all share good memories so that helps.  I can’t say I have anything much in common anymore with my older brother, but we both made efforts to get together, once or twice a year, especially when my kids were younger, and we’d have fun playing games, talking and reminiscing.  But we have very different lifestyles and we’re thousands of miles apart. So friendly, but 🤷‍♀️.  Now my sister is 10 years younger but we are close.  However she lives across the world, 8 hours time difference at the moment.  When we get together, we get along great, talk a lot, and have fun.  she is married, with two kids, and works.  That plus the time difference means we don’t chat frequently.  However she will be moving back to the states soon 🙂. 
I think accepting they are both very different from me, but we share roots and memories, helps.

I would like for my three children to live near each other, at least the same state or region.  It would be nice to have larger family gatherings.  And I’ll be careful what I wish for 😂

 

[prairiewindmomma]

Both dh and I grew up in unhealthy family dynamics. We literally moved cross country to opt out of it all and to protect our kids from the crazy. I have caregiving stories that are eyebrow raising, but it’s taken me the better part of a decade to emotionally process what all went down and why. Be gentle with yourself, and know it’s ok to prioritize parenting your kids. No one else will, but there are plenty of nursing homes, home health aides and other caregivers that can do elder care.  

[Meriwether]

My sister and I are very close. We live 6 hours apart but see each other 10-12 visits per year. I love my brother and wish I saw more of him, but due to a variety of reasons (moved 20+ hours away, works a job that makes visits difficult, has a more private wife) we don't even talk that often. The three of us were very close growing up and that bond won't go away regardless of frequency of visits.

[Katy]

I don’t have that sort of relationship with my siblings. We’re all happy for others to do well. I am closest to one sister. I think my parents didn’t set up super healthy dynamics but for the most part we’re doing better. 

[1234]

My little brother and I were super close but he was killed in a car accident when we were both young adults (not long after my oldest was born). I was never that close with my older brother and sister and I actually haven’t spoken with either of them in almost a year. My poor mom. 😔 I know it bothers her but I don’t see it changing anytime soon. My dc are actually why I finally stood up for myself with my older siblings and we no longer talk. I feel very fortunate that my two dc are really close and hope it doesn’t change.

Edited January 20, 2022 by Joker2

[Indigo Blue]

.

Edited January 21, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[kristin0713]

Growing up we definitely had the classic stereotypical birth order dynamic. I’m the oldest and the boss. My sister had middle child syndrome, always felt left out and got in trouble but really she’s a people person and everyone always loved her. My brother the youngest was very theatrical and had to make himself heard. We all have strong personalities. My parents’ marriage was pretty healthy and our adult relationships are great. We are pretty close and deal with conflict when it happens.  My sister is definitely still the most insecure but she’s a successful business owner. My brother still has to be the loudest in every debate to make sure he is heard. And of course I like to be in charge and I’m always right 😂  But we have such a good time together and make the effort to keep things good. 

DH’s family on the other hand is messed.up.  Estranged from both brothers, one is an addict that also stole DH’s identity, his parents are still married but hate each other. It’s very sad and I’m always amazed and thankful that my DH is the husband and father that he is because he certainly had no good role models at home. 

[JustEm]

I am the youngest of many.  My relationship with all of them is pretty close.  Pre- pandemic we'd see all the local ones pretty regularly (weekly mostly) when my dad would make food twice a week.  I can talk on the phone for hours with my sister who is farthest away.  We only see each other once a year now but that hasn't made our relationship any less close. Pre pandemic we went on family vacations once a year.

The second youngest moved across the street from us last year. We grew up a few blocks from some cousins and loved it so we wanted that for our kids.  We also share driving kids to shared activites and watch each others kids regularly.  It has been great.  I would love for any of my siblings to live in the same neighborhood as us.

We see dh's 2 siblings multiple times a year, it used to be weekly at family dinners before covid.  We love them very much and love being able to be close with their spouses and kids but we certainly aren't as close with them as my siblings.  We get along great and enjoy each others company at family gatherings but no longer seek hanging out together like we did in the beginning of our marriage. No real reason why.

Edited January 20, 2022 by hjffkj

[TechWife]

I’m the youngest of five, dh the youngest of four. All four of our parents are deceased. Dh’s two brothers are deceased, with his sister living.  My oldest brother, who is also the oldest sibling, is deceased and I have two sisters and one brother remaining. Dh and his sister get along very well. No pecking order - each has their own family. My siblings and I are not close. We were a bit closer when our parents were alive, but have had strained relationships since then for a variety of reasons. No pecking order there, either. We each have our own lives. We do not live near either of our families. For all I know my siblings have a pecking order among themselves as they live near one another. 

 

[J-rap]

I realize I'm quite lucky to be from an unusually kind-hearted and gentle family, and my dh is too.  We don't necessarily all see eye-to-eye on everything, but both my dh's and my parents raised us to always treat each other with respect and love, and see the good in each other.  And we always have.  As we've grown older and have experienced the ups and downs of life, we've come to appreciate each other even more and have softened in our differences as well.  We are always there for each other, and we all check in with each other often.  I'm so grateful that my kids have so many thoughtful, wise, unselfish aunts and uncles as role models.  I know it's unusual.

I'm the youngest in my foo and my dh is second youngest (out of 7 kids), but we've been treated as equal adults for as long as we've been adults.

My sister and I are especially close and we are in touch all the time.  I also consider a couple of my dh's sisters to be some of my closest friends.

ETA:  My dh's parents have both passed.  My mother is in a LTC facility and my father still lives independently, but depends on our help.  

Edited January 20, 2022 by J-rap

[maize]

I'm third in a family of ten kids.

We all have really good relationships. 

Honestly, a lot of this is probably easier because we are scattered over thousands of miles--we've all had space to grow into our own individual adult lives. We hold reunions every two years and get together for smaller gatherings as we are able, and we chat over a family discord server every day. My siblings have been my most solid support network as an adult. My five sisters especially--I talk to them on the phone pretty regularly, one in particular several times a week. 

We disagree with each other about all kinds of things--we are ten different people after all! But my nine siblings are my favorite people in the world, aside from my own spouse and children. When we do get together it's a little slice of heaven.

I can't say exactly how that came about--there've been rocky bits along the way but we've worked through them. We love each other and we give each other room.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Youngest of five.  No pecking order.  We all listen to each other.  One sibling is a bit more prickly than everyone else - just a personality thing.  Though that has gotten better over time. 

We have zero input in each other's parenting.  And how I was raised has zero impact on my own parenting.  (For one thing, I am on a totally different continent in totally different circumstances from where I was raised.) 

[Janeway]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

As a spin 

My older sister is in charge and she always has been. I don’t question her. I practically laugh whenever anyone else tries to question her. Do you think we all know better. Ultimately in the end, we all realize she’s in charge. i’m kind of down on the totem pole toward the bottom so I don’t have much say about stuff so, I don’t think it actually bothers me. It never really has bothered me actually. I suppose if my older sister were a total jerk it would bother me but she’s been a little bit of a jerk sometimes but for the most part she’s never been harmful or anything. I think things that she’s a jerk about is mostly because of things that are lacking in her life. For example she always was focused on her career and she had a power career and so she never married or had kids and I know she wanted to marry and have kids. When I was pregnant with my first she used to tell me what name she was planning on naming her children and asked me not to use those names. But then she grew past that age and she’s in her 50s now and she will never have children or likely even marry. She does all the work regarding my parents estate. It has always been this way. I think the totem pole type thing when the oldest child is on the top and the youngest child is you know super spoiled is kind of the norm. But I would never use the term pecking order with my family. Because pecking order entails the idea that the older kids feel they have the right to pick on the younger kids. That is not at all how it has ever been. My older sister always took care of me and she was always very good to me when I was growing up. 

Edited January 20, 2022 by Janeway

[HS Mom in NC]

My husband's only sister died of cancer 4 years ago. They had a good relationship as adults.  He still has moments when he really wants to call her and talk to her. He was turd to her as a kid because of his rigid thinking, but apologized to her as a young adult.  She lived with him as a young adult until she and her then finance moved in together.

I have a biological brother (we're Irish twins, full term, 11 months, 3 days apart) and 3 step-siblings.  We were raised with 2 step-siblings who are 10 years older than us. My mother swears we spoke our own language as toddlers/early preschoolers and my husband says my brother and I can read each other's minds and communicate complex information without words. What I called conversations with my brother while my husband was present my husband insists didn't take place completely out loud.  They unnerved him a little. 

Brother is an artist (not by profession) and I remember when I was a teen my mother calling me into the kitchen where her friend was with her.  Mom held up a piece of brother's charcoal artwork that I had never seen before. She said, "What's this a picture of?" I quickly responded, "It's a rumpled pile of fabric at first glance, but you can see that it's a shadowy figure of a person in a trench coat and hat."  The friend looked up from her watch and said, "3 seconds." My mom responded, "I told you. They've always been like that."  It took each of them much longer to see it and could only see it clearly after he had carefully walked them through it.

We were very close friends until I moved across the country 3 years ago. When we announced we were moving everyone who knew both me and my brother responded with variations on "What are you two (my brother and I) going to do without each other?" We regularly hiked, camped, and hung out together. Others who have known us over the years have commented to effect of, "I've never seen adult sibling with such a best friend kind of relationship like you and your brother have."

My kids are 16, 24, and 26.  Older two are married.  We're all within a 15 minute drive of each other. We usually see each other every 1-2 weeks for games and lunch or dinner.  The three siblings spend time together outside of our time as a family. Youngest spends the night every month or two with oldest and they do fun stuff.  Middle and oldest do things together sometimes. Youngest and middle do things together sometimes.  The spouses are in on the groupings and each have an older brother vibe going on with youngest.

We never talk about issues with one kid with any of the other kids-we respect their privacy.
We never compare the kids to each other.
We treat them as equally as possible under the circumstances.
We listen to them when they have gripes.
We tell them to tell us when we're doing something stupid or clueless because everyone is stupid and clueless at times.
We let them be who they are.

[Scarlett]

My life has been weird.  I was raised with my brother who is 4 1/2 years younger than me. We love each other very much but he has struggled with addiction and mental health and has made one terrible decision after another.  He is raising his son alone….his xw died about 30 days after their divorce….and she was his 4th wife.  We live such different lives that it is difficult to be close but we stay in touch via text and phone…

The step sister I acquired when I was 37 and I are very close.  Our lives are very similar…our beliefs etc. we live 2500 miles apart but we are close.

I have a sister.. we share a father…and we were kept from each other for most of our lives. When we found each other 13 years ago that bond was still very strong and we are very very close.  
 

None of those relationships affect my parenting….and there are no issues with our parents. Certainly no hierarchy. My mom is closer to me than my brother because of his lifestyle choices and how he turned on our faith.  
 

Dhs family is more traditional…..7 of them total. Their father was killed in an accident when the youngest was in the womb….5 of them are very very very close. The oldest is a little out there and toxic and remembers their child wildly different than the rest of them…..and is always trying to cause trouble between them.   Very middle has thrown in with her and is…..lost in life I think.  Dh is the second oldest and very much the leader in a sense, but not absolute.  Youngest, who is a girl is the organizer, get it done one….but leans greatly on my Dh for advice.  MIL is wonderful and never tries to cause problems or show favorites.   

I am very close to all my SILs (well not the oldest)….…both the daughters and DILs.  They love me like a sister…but they also are still very kind to dhs XW when the rare situation arises where they see her. 
 

I would say that I am sure my brother thinks he is low man on the totem pole….but he has placed himself outside the family in so many ways.  There was no system to exclude him because he was the youngest or male or whatever.  And when he was young he had the first grandkids and my mom spent a lot of time with them in those days.  With his youngest child—-not so much….for many reasons all due to my brothers way of life.  That sounds nothing thing like what @saraha is describing.  
 

Families are funny.

[Lecka]

It took living far away and having my own family to break some dynamics.

I moved back to my hometown, and it has been hard at times, but I am able to stand up for myself now in a way I don’t think I ever would have been able to without being gone for 20 years.  

It’s not something where any one does it on purpose or maliciously, it is just habits that are very engrained, and I don’t get a bad reception, but maybe some surprise like I am not doing the expected thing.  
 

There are some dynamics I think were more dysfunctional but I think they have all gotten better as we have gotten older and experienced personal growth, and one of my sisters moved to Alaska and then the Pacific Northwest and didn’t come home for Thanksgiving or Christmas for years.  This alerted some family members that we had better try to be more accommodating if she were going to come visit for holidays again.  She also set some boundaries over time that let her be able to come at holidays and have a nice visit.  If she hadn’t done that I think a lot of things would never have changed, that changed in a good way!  

[Shoeless]

N/m

 

Edited January 20, 2022 by MissLemon

[PinkTulip]

I’m the youngest of 4 and we are all very close in age (within 5 years). Growing up, we all tried to find our own unique voice so weren’t super close. But one of our parents died when we were all in our 20s and we have been really tight since then. One of my sisters lives 5 minutes away, and my other two siblings 1500 miles away, but we all talk weekly. We don’t agree on a lot of things, including politics and vaccines, but we absolutely have each others’ backs. One example: I am currently going through a very ugly divorce from a narcissist and my brother flew 1500 miles to help me move into my new apartment. After we were done for the day he said he had an errand to run that would take about an hour, and he came back with 27 bags of groceries to help get me started on basics like flour, salt, peanut butter, trash bags, etc. 

Edited January 20, 2022 by PinkTulip

[MercyA]

Middle child of three. No totem pole. We love each other, we get each other, and we are affectionate, but not what I would call super close. We don't get together outside of family gatherings and holidays, but text occasionally. We all chose to homeschool our kids, even though only one of us was homeschooled. We share generally the same religious beliefs and fairly similar political beliefs (all of us slowly changed those over the years, in different ways and at different rates). We are very different in our interests and all quirky in our own ways. We've gotten annoyed at each other for various things throughout the years but there have never been any big fights or estrangements.

I am thankful for what we have. I hope that we may grow closer in old age, when my parents are gone. I worry about my DD being lonely when we are gone, as she has no siblings. Please, God, let her marry into a big happy family. 🙂

Edited January 20, 2022 by MercyA

[MercyA]

@PinkTulip, so glad your siblings have your back. 🙂  What a good brother.

[Loowit]

I am the middle of three kids.  We get along well now.  It was a bit touchy in the teen years.  My sister is only 15 months older, so we were one grade apart in school.  That made things a bit rough sometimes.  I don't talk to my siblings as much as I would like due to the busyness of raising kids, but I hope that will change as the kids grow up and move out.  DH and my brother were actually friends before we met.

We don't really have any sort of hierarchy that I have noticed, although to be honest I mostly just go along with whatever my brother and sister decide on many things.  We have had a couple of crises come up in the last few months, and they have been handled well with no disagreements or hurt feelings.  My sister is really good to make sure I am in the loop on things as she talks to my parents more often than I do.

I think it will be interesting as my parents age to see how it all works out, but my parents have been pretty good about having things in order legally.  My sister and I share power of attorney if anything happens, and my brother will be the executor of the will.  My mom had a horrible time working with her siblings after her mom died and again after my grandfather disappeared and eventually declared dead.  I think they wanted to avoid that for us by having things as ironed out as possible.

I haven't really pulled anything from my growing up years and sibling relationships into my own parenting of my children that I can think of, other than letting my kids work out their own conflicts with as little interference from parents as possible.  My kids have had times they fought a lot, especially youngest and oldest, but it has smoothed out over time (and DD going away to school for a while) and now they get along well.

[BlsdMama]

It’s interesting… I’m oldest, then my brother is six years my junior, then my sister is 11 years younger.  
 

We have such different personalities that it’s difficult to say that family dynamics influence more than individuals and their perceptions. 
 

For instance, my sister would say my brother is the favorite. I would say that my brother took longer to mature and even when he did, he had a deployment, minor PTSD, and was more than dabbling in drugs and alcohol. Mom and dad talked him into a non travel and non construction job so he’d have more time to farm. As a parent with older kids? I feel they knew he needed more scaffolding to lead a healthy life. It wasn’t that he was favored. It was that my parents saw an opportunity to help their kid be well. He’s hardworking and well meaning. We’re very very different. He doesn’t know he’s loud and obnoxious. I think he thinks he is charming but often accidentally offensive. He’sa great guy but as redneck as they come and he’d own that so I think he’d agree with me saying it. He’s not a narcissist but the way he thinks conversations go is - you say something and he “relates” by saying something about him. I think he sees it as a volley of sharing but every conversation comes back to himself. It’s just a lack of self awareness. I had it too when I was younger. 
 

My parents have least to do with my life of us three. I wouldn’t say they’re hands off, but I will say they never worry about me carrying the load of life. My husband is a more than equal partner. Even before I was sick he was the “come home from work, help with laundry, cook something, pitch in” guy. I was an extremely independent strong willed kid who excelled in a lot but listened to no one. I’ve softened a LOT but we are all wary of stepping on One another’s toes. I actually would like them more involved, especially since I’ve gotten sick, but I spent eight years out of state and live furthest away. Plus neither of us have a good clue about how to step into one another’s space… We tiptoe a bit around one another despite caring for each other very deeply.

My sister and I are in different stages in life. She’s sorting out who she is and she’sa great mom. I respect her on a woman to woman level.  She’s like me in that she can’t just enjoy being still. She has an idea of how she’d like everything to be and is smart enough and works hard enough that she can force most things to be that way. However that’sa rough way to live life - BTDT. It causes one to push people harder. She doesn’t yet know that a decent amount of who she is is just gifting - not through her own hard work. And when you think everyone could pull off what you’ve done if only they work harder, it lacks understanding. She’s me - 20-25 years ago. I’m sad for her because I think she’ll regret not taking it down a notch and enjoying now. But I see too much of me to be impartial. 
Hard to judge future decision making - there are little to none to be made. My parents have been very successful by any measure - impressive because high school graduate and high school dropout. Dad is very intelligent and has incredible people skills. Mom is very business savvy and good with numbers. If she has as much confidence in her brains and abilities as I do, she’d have done incredibly things. She is very introverted and I suspect social anxiety.  Dad was willing to work hard and hand over money, mom was conservative and a planner. They have appreciating nursing home insurance and extensive life insurance. My brother is already taking over parts of farming and they’ll carry enough life insurance that he will be able to purchase the farm and we would get financial inheritance. But honestly? 🤷🏼‍♀️ So what? I can’t imagine quibbling over stuff with them. Brother has farmed now for fifteen years. Sister and I never have. My sister is more financially savvy than me. I’m better with relationships. As much as we are similar, life and experiences are very different. 
 

It is impossible to treat kids equally. One needs more coaching and it looks like coddling or favoring in the eyes of another. One kid is incredibly easy to get along with, the other an arrogant ass… all of a sudden someone thinks the easy  one is the favorite. It’sa no win scenario. 
I know someone who says, “Ugh. They make all the decisions.” Do you ever say, “I want..” Nope. Decisions are being made while that person sits on their thumbs pouting or waiting to be asked…. Does someone need an invite to toss in 0.02 to an immediate family discussion? In our families, that would be a long wait. But each family is different. 

[fraidycat]

I am close-ish with my siblings. Mental health and pandemic times definitely play a part in the "ish". We've been closer in the past. It makes me a little sad that things are this way, but it is what it is. 

I wouldn't say there is a hierarchary or totem pole system within the family as a whole. Each person has different strengths and interests, so the "expert" on a given topic will have their opinion given more weight on that topic, but overall each sibling has a say. Spouses are asked for their opinion too, but both (DH and SIL) usually just say "whatever you guys think is best".

There are certain ways that I try to parent my kids based on what I learned from my parents with us kids. Most of it is what to do, but there are also a few what not to dos.

[gardenmom5]

I'm youngest, my sister is oldest, my brother in the middle.

My mother died about 12 years ago.  I am estranged from/nearly no contact with my brother (so are his kids).  I had to have contact with him while our mother was alive.  (i was her PoA, dh the executer - and I was looking into what organizations to contact for elder abuse - by my brother.  and what constituted elder abuse - that they would actually do something about.)

My sister and I are trying to have contact.  Last time I saw her, i told her our mother had to die before we could have a relationship because of the amount of interference from her (and our grandmother before she died.).

It has no impact on my parenting.

Edited January 20, 2022 by gardenmom5

[Tap]

My parents each had a 1st marriage, and then they got together and had me. My mom has 4 living children from that first marriage. My father has 3 living children from his first marriage. I am the only one with these parents. I was raised with my mom's kids and only barely met my father's kids. 

My mom's kids are all older than me: 12 years, 10 years, (a baby who died would be 9 years) 7 years, and 6 years older. The two groupings are very, very close emotionally, and all four are quite close as a larger grouping. I am the odd man out. I don't look like them, think like them, live like them or appreciate the same things. They always treated me like the baby and my mom still referred to me as "the baby" until I was in my 40s. In real life, I have always been more settled and mature than they are. I bought my first house at 22 and was married with a baby the same year. I haven't had a simple life, but I have always had means to provide for my family, even if it meant working 2 jobs. 3 of my siblings likely don't have even 1 extra months of income in savings, but always have money to party. If they are all 4 together in a restaurant, they will be the loudest table, but in a happy, laughing way (not being obnoxious).  They all seem to live in the moment much more than I do.

There hasn't been a hierarchy, other than I was not included  in thier lives. They would all do things together (even with my parents) and not invite me. When I was younger it was because they would go to bars and I wasn't 21. But then I was 21 and still not invited, I realized it was because they didn't want me there.  I tried for many years to connect with them, thinking that once we were all adults, we would have other things in common. But nope. It never happened. 

Because of this, I have absolutely made sure my kids value family. I am the baby of 9 kids and yet, haven't talked to any of them in years. I tell my kids, that I can't change the past, but I can change the future and the future generations all start with us and what we want our family to feel like. 

 

 

Edited January 22, 2022 by Tap

[annandatje]

In my professional field, I have encountered those dynamics you describe with numerous family businesses from privately held small businesses all way up to publicly traded on the exchange.

[HomeAgain]

One of my siblings and I have a close relationship.  We don't talk often because we're busy, but we make time for each other in our lives when we can.  Next summer we're vacationing together and we're planning another vacation in 3 years.

One of my siblings is welcome to live their own life, preferably with no contact with mine.

Dh is the only member of his family to have moved seriously away.  He wasn't close to them when he lived there, always feeling like he was treated differently (he was) and it put some thorns in the relationship.  Enough to aggravate, not enough to be full blown issues.  But even so, because he has spent much of his adult life being the only one who wasn't available for Sunday dinner every week, it's a different relationship between him and the rest of his siblings/family.  I think the internet changes things for the next generation, though.  DS11 got to "meet" his cousin for the first time, really, since they had only spent one afternoon together when his cousin was 3.  The two connected on Messenger Kids and play video games together, chatting and talking about mundane stuff.  If they ever see each other in person again it'll be like seeing an old friend and not an awkward afternoon of forced play.

[lynn]

My oldest sister has always been a jerk but I learned to rise above my feelings of the past and attempt to have meaningful conversations with her.  I try my best not to call her out on her bs to keep the peace.

My other older sister I do my best to stay in contact with but she's always been difficult to talk to but I try.

My younger sister and I are probably closest and tell each other everything and  we can safely vent on family issues and move on.  I know I can call her and say "Don't talk, just listen" when I need to and see does the same.

Haven't talked to my brother in years.  Long story but it is what it is.

[Emba]

I have two siblings. I’m the oldest, my sister is the middle, brother is youngest. My sister and I were very close as kids, but have grown apart since getting married/having kids. We still get along and enjoy time together but don’t talk on the phone much. My brother and I aren’t really close but we enjoy seeing each other at family gatherings. I hardly ever see him outside of a gathering that includes my parents, but my sister and I and our families see each other more.

 As far as hierarchy, I don’t think there is one. As a kid I was the boys older sibling, but they’ve learned to stand up for themselves and I’ve learned to not be bossy. I think sister and I do tend to plan things without brothers input, but it’s because as an adult he’s proved he just doesn’t care about planning things like anniversary parties for my parents, and is less than reliable if he says he will help with certain things.

 As far as my parents are concerned, I think they give pretty equal weight to all of our opinions, within reason. My sister is an accountant. They’d be fools to listen to my opinions more than hers on tax matters, for instance. 

but there was a time shortly before my marriage and into early marriage when we bought cattle together, me, my siblings and my parents. We all got an equal vote on cattle things. DH didn’t because we weren’t married when it started, but if we were to do the same sort of thing today, I think he and the other spouses would have a more equal say, though I can’t imagine my SIL’s opinion being taken quite as seriously as the other spouses, because she didn’t grow up around agriculture at all and has no experience with cattle, while my BIL and my DH have. 

[Faith-manor]

My brother was my father's golden child. And my brother is a colossal screw up when it comes to relationships. Four out of five of his adult children have chosen limited contact. They call him on his birthday, Christmas Day, and Father's Day, only one allows an annual 3 day visit, and only if step mom who is malignant narcissist is not along. The one who has contact with him and her mom on a regular basis is NOT mentally healthy because of it.

So growing up, for most of our childhood, it was he and I, and he was golden with my dad regardless of his stupid behavior especially during his teen years, and I was hammered on emotionally by dad though mom did not engage in that. She also did not do a damn thing about the emotional abuse either so in adulthood, our relationship has had problems and will always have some strain to it. My sister did not come along until I was 13 and my brother 17. She has zero relationship with him. He went to college when he was 18, had a kid and was married by 19, and she was not a person he was interested in knowing. They have a just about zero relationship. Since she moved to France nine years ago, the most they have is an occasional text with one another. When she comes home, until covid once per year for a month, he spends one afternoon visiting with her at mom's house. That is it. I, on the other hand, was sister-mommed by my parents. So when I became an adult, went to college, and married she was still a little kid, and when ever she was with me, we defaulted into a mother-child relationship. It took me a lot of years proactively trying to change that dynamic as she aged. At some point when she was in college, we managed to forge an adult sister relationship and remain close to this day. We communicate A LOT on Facebook messenger, What's Ap, video calls, and I spent three weeks with her in France a few years ago.

I don't know what normal is except to say that my cousin and her brother seem to be a regular, fairly close, health adult sibling relationship from the outside looking in.

 

[elegantlion]

I have one older sister and we only talk when she visits or an occasional social media post. She lives a few states away. We were never close. Our personalities clash a little and she has an jerk of a dh that we can't stand. When we were young, she was daddy's girl and I was mommy's girl. Now that  it's just my mom, it's still that kind of way. My mom is more like a sister, our personalities just fit better. 

As we get older (we're in our 50s), I think she's trying a bit more. One of her children and her were super mean to my mom right after my dad died, and I haven't quite forgiven them. 

Am I happy with the way things are? I don't know. I never missed it. 

It never really affected my parenting, except that when people assumed my only child was lonely because he was an only. I never wanted more children and I certainly didn't think, based on my own experience, that I'd be creating an automatic playmate and friend for ds. We had pets for that. 

[DreamerGirl]

Oldest of 2, one younger brother living in my country of origin.

There was definitely a hierarchy growing up because my dad especially was raised in patriarchy and my mom was very much the submission/obey wife. But my brother always helped me get around that by "escorting" me to places. But eventually my mom put her foot down, dad changed and here I am which would not happened without that.

Parenting wise, that impacted us both very much. We both have one boy and one girl each and very diligent about bringing them up as equals. My brother because he saw how it impacted me when I was raised in patriarchy. 

We used to share a room growing up, it is common in my country of origin. I have memories of listening of music, just talking about things lying in the darkness. It formed a very strong bond that exists to this day because we have nurtured it though we have not lived in the same country our adult lives. Our day to day lives are vastly different but we make it an absolute priority. 

 We both consult and collaborate with each other on things pertaining to parents who are older and need care when they were independent before. The relationship has had it moments, but he has been consistently someone I can and have counted on since I remember. We had the usual sibling rivalry, but we were always very protective of each other from small. 

I don't have a lot of friends, but he is one of my best and he is my sibling.

Edited January 20, 2022 by DreamerGirl

[Bambam]

I have two siblings. I suspect their stories would be different from mine as I was a very late baby.  They were really gone (high school and leaving home) before I was 8/10.  I was the baby, and therefore it seems like I was to be protected. No one told me anything. 

And that continued for many years. But some of that was possibly because they were physically closer to my parents so they could help out, and I lived far away? I was always the last to learn anything, and I'm still finding out things that I didn't know but everyone else did. 

I went to help one sibling after the death of a spouse and later two major surgeries. That has helped us grow closer, and I'm more in the loop, but I think my opinion/input is still lesser than the others.  It's hard to grow out of the way things have always been. They are working on it, but some of it is just unconscious, you know? It's hard to break out of established patterns of behavior/thought. It isn't an excuse, it is just the way things are. Change takes time and effort. And sometimes other things require more effort. 

Edited January 20, 2022 by Bambam

[Pam in CT]

I have one sibling and my husband has two. At this point, we're all within 50 miles of each other, though there've been times that one of his siblings has been across the country and my brother was on the other side of the world.  We all see/speak with each other regularly, though some relationships are closer than others.  When our kids were small, I spent several weeks every summer with my husband's sister and her/my kids, without the husbands. Between all that shared experience and the 15+ years my brother spent on the other side of the world (and the fact that his kids are still young whereas mine are launching-adult stage), I'm probably closer to that SIL than to my own brother.  But we all get along.

If there's a collective decision to be made on his side of the family (like, his parents had a property that eventually had to be disposed of after his mom died), I figure he's the one who has standing. If OTOH the collective decision is on my side of the family (like, a series of housing and financial decisions during my dad's ultimately-fatal cancer), I figure I'm the one who has standing. Neither of us expects our views to be "solicited" by one another's families.  We can certainly help with the *execution* of decisions once they are made (ie, I helped my SIL clear out the house; he worked with my mom's attorney to get certain documents drafted). But however long we've intermingled within our own nuclear family, I still figure we are each the best (sole) representative out to the extended family.

[City Mouse]

I am 2nd of 5 siblings. I am not particularly close to any of then, but there is no big anger at least on my part. We just love different lives.If I am honest, my mother spent most of our growing up and younger adult years comparing us all, and she made sure that we all knew what was better about a particular sibling or sibling’s spouse. I think that has a lot to do with our emotional distance. My sister’s think my mom listens to me better than she does either of them. I think that is a combination of me being the only girl to live in the same city as my parents past high school. (We did move away 10yrs ago when I was in my early 40’s) and the fact that I can “handle” mom better.

My DH is 8 of 9. There is a range of over 20 yrs between the youngest and oldest, so there was a more obvious hierarchy between the siblings, but that has faded over the years as everyone has gotten older. They are spread out all over the country, but seem closer than my siblings or at least talk more.

[SKL]

We generally all get along, but we don't spend a ton of time together.  There are times when someone gets oversensitive and doesn't talk to one or more family members for a short time, but so far it's always gotten back to our normal.

We all live within 1.5 hours' drive of my folks' house - where they have lived since we were all minors (over 40 years).  Some live within walking or biking distance and visit the folks more often than others, but not because anyone is estranged.

We like to get together for the holidays etc. to the extent it works out.  But we don't have any business deals or similar together at this point.

I don't think there's a pecking order.  I do think different siblings kind of take turns being in good and bad graces with my mom.  When you're in bad graces, there will be some mild bad-mouthing, but it will be temporary.  Then it will be someone else's turn.  😛 Though there's been a lot less of that in recent years.  (Or maybe it's been my turn, LOL.)

My youngest sister had a micropreemie and thus needed a lot of help with her kids for some time.  My girls were preschoolers at the time, and my folks pretty much stopped spending any time with them, but I believe it's because the folks didn't have the energy after helping with the younger grandkids.  It's a by-product of being older when our kids are born.  A bit sad, but nobody's fault.  I feel more bad that I'm not able to go over there and help my folks with things.