Just need to vent, caregiving is hard

[saraha]

Mil and fil have Covid. For the last week I have been spending nights there as well as big chunks of the day as dh and his brother both work during the day. Sil has Covid too so can’t help out. They are getting better and for once the siblings seem to have good communication between them (I suspect because sil is too sick to be a pill)

mil has dementia. I have been learning about dementia and ordered a copy of a great book recommended here for caregivers of dementia for everyone. No one has bothered to read it, especially fil who up until they got Covid was her daily caretaker with bil managing doctors appointments and sil managing medications, refills etc. I have been doing a weekly cleaning of their house for years, and helping where needed.

Today tempers boiled over between fil and I over her taking her medicine. Fil and bil have no patience for her when she is contrary, and just bully her into doing what they want her to do. She wouldn’t swallow her pills this morning and he started yelling at her. I suggested he go get dressed for today and I will help her take her medicine. We  got down all of her actual medicine and I decided that we could skip the ridiculous sized vitamin for now. I know it is not an intregal part of her medication, it’s an extra vitamin c with immune system boosters and it is huge. I wouldn’t want to take it either. But it can be taken any time of day, where some of her other medicines are time sensitive. Anyway, when he asked about her medicines I said she got them down, he said even the black one, and I responded truthfully we didn’t take that one, it’s just a vitamin and before I could continue to say it could be taken at lunch or tonight he went off about how it is not just a vitamin etc. So I went to the kitchen and got it and laid it on the table. I finished my list for the morning and left hurt and annoyed. 
 I keep reminding myself that it is a stressful time for him and that he is worried about her. I know that everyone is doing what they can. I know he is probably burnt out. I know he is prideful and accepting help is super hard for him. (He is really not going to like it when they are over Covid and the siblings band together to insist he get a home health aid) and and and. But I’m annoyed at so many things today, not the least that he is happy to bully her to take all these supplements etc that my sil finds, but wouldn’t get the vaccine that could have made this last two weeks so much less traumatic. 
ugh, I just need a break from them.

[bolt.]

You are doing a good thing. And it's hard! You have my respect and sympathy. (And, yes, getting enough breaks is what makes the system sustainable. Breaks are important.)

[Kassia]

That is such a stressful situation for everyone involved.  And, yes, you are doing a good thing that is very very hard but you do need to take care of yourself as well, if possible.  I always think of the saying, "You can't pour from an empty cup."  It is so true but sometimes it's hard or even impossible to fill your own cup.  Sending hugs.  

[Katy]

Hugs

[Scarlett]

(((((( @saraha))))))

[Soror]

Many hugs, that sounds so incredibly hard!

[mlktwins]

It is hard!!!  So very hard!!!  Especially with the dementia.  I have been caring for my dad with dementia for 3 years and I have just last weekend borrowed that book from the library.  Big hugs...

[mlktwins]

39 minutes ago, Kassia said:

That is such a stressful situation for everyone involved.  And, yes, you are doing a good thing that is very very hard but you do need to take care of yourself as well, if possible.  I always think of the saying, "You can't pour from an empty cup."  It is so true but sometimes it's hard or even impossible to fill your own cup.  Sending hugs.  

My quote that first year I was caring for my dad (and it was a LONG year) - "You can't squeeze blood from a turnip."  As much as everyone tried -- LOL.

[Corbster98]

I am sorry Saraha. Caregiving is so so hard. You are doing wonderful for your in-laws. I helped with caregiving for both of my parents several yrs back ( dad- ALS and then mom- metastatic cancer). Emotions run high, stress is high and conflict at times is inevitable as everyone deals with processing differently. 

Take breaks as needed....even if that just entails crying in your car to release the frustration and pent up emotion. 

Hugs!

[prairiewindmomma]

Hugs.

It is really hard. I think not only is it physically and emotionally hard to care for the individual, often it’s the family relationships around the individual that are hardest to navigate.

One thing to keep an eye out for is that it may be getting harder for her to manipulate a pill in her mouth and coordinate the swallow. Her balking about that may be rooted in something she can’t articulate. It’s super common to need to switch to crushed powders hidden in a spoonful of chocolate pudding or the like as a coping mechanism.

[Spryte]

Yes, it’s hard!

Hang in there!

By the way, that’s an excellent book, but only DH mad I read it, here. No one else. You’re not alone!

[Spryte]

Just now, prairiewindmomma said:

Hugs.

It is really hard. I think not only is it physically and emotionally hard to care for the individual, often it’s the family relationships around the individual that are hardest to navigate.

One thing to keep an eye out for is that it may be getting harder for her to manipulate a pill in her mouth and coordinate the swallow. Her balking about that may be rooted in something she can’t articulate. It’s super common to need to switch to crushed powders hidden in a spoonful of chocolate pudding or the like as a coping mechanism.

Yes, this. On the large vitamin pill, I keep thinking that maybe it’s possible to switch to liquid, chewables or gummies, or several smaller pills. Dementia affects swallowing.

[mlktwins]

1 minute ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Hugs.

It is really hard. I think not only is it physically and emotionally hard to care for the individual, often it’s the family relationships around the individual that are hardest to navigate.

One thing to keep an eye out for is that it may be getting harder for her to manipulate a pill in her mouth and coordinate the swallow. Her balking about that may be rooted in something she can’t articulate. It’s super common to need to switch to crushed powders hidden in a spoonful of chocolate pudding or the like as a coping mechanism.

I want to add here that my dad has dementia and has just been diagnosed with swallowing issues related to dementia.  We were trying to get at the cause of his chronic cough.  The pulmonologist referred us to a speech pathologist for a swallow evaluation.  The initial evaluation diagnosed the swallowing issues.  We did a follow-up swallowing barium x-ray, which was very cool to watch by the way, that confirmed it.  He is now to take each pill one at a time (not the handful he usually tries to swallow).  He has other things he has to do now too.

I just wanted to say that @prairiewindmomma could be right!

[prairiewindmomma]

Also, swallowing with water is harder than swallowing with milk or juice or a thicker liquid. It sounds counter-intuitive, but thin liquids and mixed textures in the mouth (water + pill) are hard to coordinate. 
 

The intermediate step between now and crushed in pudding is to go only to life-essential meds and to make them chewable or serve with milk. 
 

As a tangent, I hope that the sons will take FIL aside and tell him the yelling needs to stop now and never happen again. It’s not ok to verbally abuse an incapacitated person (or any person, but you especially don’t bully a dementia patient). Thank you for taking care of her today. 

[Storygirl]

24 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Hugs.

It is really hard. I think not only is it physically and emotionally hard to care for the individual, often it’s the family relationships around the individual that are hardest to navigate.

One thing to keep an eye out for is that it may be getting harder for her to manipulate a pill in her mouth and coordinate the swallow. Her balking about that may be rooted in something she can’t articulate. It’s super common to need to switch to crushed powders hidden in a spoonful of chocolate pudding or the like as a coping mechanism.

I was coming here to say this.

Your FIL probably doesn't realize this, and maybe you can talk to him about it in a time when he is less likely to be reactive. If he is the type to respond better to factual information, perhaps print out something from the internet that explains this. Since someone else manages the medication, it would be good to have that conversation with all concerned.

Perhaps switch the vitamin C to a gummy form. I get the Costco brand, and I love it and would eat it like candy, if that were healthy to do. It won't have all of the benefits of the one that she currently takes, but as dementia progresses, some medications will fall by the wayside. For the last few years of my mom's life, she was taking no medications and only ate pureed foods.

I'm sorry. I often, daily, felt emotionally battered when my mom was living with me, before she went into a nursing home. Our elderly relatives don't mean to be difficult, and it's a part of aging, but it's still hard to cope with.

[Storygirl]

And I wanted to tell you what a blessing you are to your in-laws, even if they don't realize it. Many, and perhaps most people would not step up to help in-laws in the same way that they would help their own parents.

My SIL, for example, did absolutely nothing to help with my mom, other than criticize the eventual decision to put her in a nursing home. And, as far as I know, she never even visited my mom in the nursing home for the whole nine years, though it was local, 15 minutes from where my brother and SIL live. But for her own mother, she returned to her home country and personally nursed her mother for months, at her mom's house, until her death.

Your family may not show you the appreciation that you deserve, so I wanted to acknowledge it. You are a blessing to them. You are going over and beyond what most people would do. You deserve appreciation and respect. I want to offer you the thanks that you may not be getting in real life.

[saraha]

Thanks everybody. I know swallowing can become an issue, but as he won’t read the book (and doesn’t “ do internet”) I don’t think he really gets that. Maybe I’ll go find his copy of the book tonight after they go to bed and see if I can show it to him tomorrow. Thanks for being gentle with me, I’m just really tired from not having a complete nights sleep in a week and miss spending my days with my kids. Serious shout out to moms who work third shift! My dh has been great and helps where he can, and thanks me at least once a day for helping his parents. Even my sister in law thanked me once, so that was something!

eventually there will be some sort of care being provided by an outside source, but while they are still sick with Covid, that will have to wait. One good thing to come out of this is that the siblings have all had there eyes opened at how much commitment it would take to care for them as their overall health declines. And that is a good thing.

[prairiewindmomma]

Consider that he may not be able to read and really comprehend the book. In my family, I have several relatives who cannot do so even though they are functional in other ways. 
 

You can use the book as a reference to authority and tag pages for his later reference, but I suspect you just need to calmly and gently lay out how dementia progresses and affects the entire body. 
 

I also suspect given how her initial diagnosis played out that there is a heavy layer of denial that may still be present. For the older generation there can be some shame surrounding mental issues even if dementia is common enough in aging. 

[saraha]

I think another thing that is adding to stress of taking care of two households is the recent revelations in my relationship with my own mother and the guilt of knowing I would walk through fire for my mil but my own mother I am having to draw hard boundaries with and there are a lot of hard feelings I’m working through with that

12 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Consider that he may not be able to read and really comprehend the book. In my family, I have several relatives who cannot do so even though they are functional in other ways. 
 

You can use the book as a reference to authority and tag pages for his later reference, but I suspect you just need to calmly and gently lay out how dementia progresses and affects the entire body. 
 

I also suspect given how her initial diagnosis played out that there is a heavy layer of denial that may still be present. For the older generation there can be some shame surrounding mental issues even if dementia is common enough in aging. 

QFT

There has been a struggle with denial this whole time. I hadn’t thought about the book being overwhelming for him to read. An oversight on my part

Edited January 19, 2022 by saraha

[saraha]

@prairiewindmomma she has a teledoc appointment this afternoon that bil and fil will be sitting in on. I just sucked up the nerve to text bil in the sibling group text thread and ask if at her appointment it would be possible to ask the doctor about eating and swallowing issues and how to spot them. He said he would, yay, sil immediately responded she swallows just fine 🙄

see what I’m up against

omg sil just texted and said she’s just being lazy

Now she is saying g we should Get a home test and if she tests negative someone should take her to the beauty shop for her weekly appointment and we should ask people to come and visit. SIL has been over today for the first time since they all got Covid. I don’t know who she thinks is going to drive her 30 minutes to the beauty shop?!? Fil should not be driving her if he hasn’t been off the couch for more than ten minutes in the last 15 days! Omg I think I might explode 

Edited January 19, 2022 by saraha

[saraha]

Dh is on break at work and is seeing all of her texts and has very nicely asked me not to respond, he’ll take care of it. I hadn’t responded to any of the follow up texts after asking about the doctor appointment but I am sure he can feel my blood pressure rising all the way from here and is trying to prevent me from saying something I will regret. Sil likes to remind me of My position on the totem pole as wife of the youngest child.

[Kassia]

21 minutes ago, saraha said:

Dh is on break at work and is seeing all of her texts and has very nicely asked me not to respond, he’ll take care of it. I hadn’t responded to any of the follow up texts after asking about the doctor appointment but I am sure he can feel my blood pressure rising all the way from here and is trying to prevent me from saying something I will regret. Sil likes to remind me of My position on the totem pole as wife of the youngest child.

I'm so sorry SIL is just adding to your stress but glad DH is taking care of it.  I'd say more about her but figure you're better off just moving on from the subject if possible.  

[Harriet Vane]

You are absolutely right about the issues (swallowing and otherwise), and it really sucks being the low person on the totem pole. It also sucks dealing with people who choose to live in denial and are not receptive to the training they really do need for caring for a complex degenerative condition.

I am glad your dh is wading into the mix.

I am sorry for your sorrow--I experienced much the same. Warm hugs for you, both for the complicated emotions and for your exhaustion in caregiving.

 

[saraha]

Today was my first day in over a week where I could be home for more than a couple of hours and sil decides she’s feeling better and needs to insert herself after being completely uninvolved as she herself was in the bed for two weeks. I need to go angry clean something I think

[Spryte]

2 minutes ago, saraha said:

Today was my first day in over a week where I could be home for more than a couple of hours and sil decides she’s feeling better and needs to insert herself after being completely uninvolved as she herself was in the bed for two weeks. I need to go angry clean something I think

I’m so sorry. I completely relate to this. My SILs each live 12 hours away (different directions) and are not active at all in caregiving for ILs. There is a decided coolness when I respond on the group text with info about ILs. I think it’s guilt, whether they realize it or not. I have learned to filter it all through DH or keep it to myself.

FWIW, I think your MIL is fortunate to have you on her side, and you are a wonderful DIL and SIL!

[saraha]

This is the first time I’ve been invited to a sibling group text. Mostly because I was the one there all the time and they could get quicker answers by having me involved then having to go through dh at work. My dh is probably goi g to make sure it’s my last, haha

[mommyoffive]

Sending some hugs.  You are the sweetest person for helping your FIL and MIL and dealing with their kids.

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry. Your family dynamics sound difficult and unhealthy. I do hope you know that any notion that you are on the bottom of the totem pole, because you married the youngest son is so wrong and that families that would think and act this way are dysfunctional. I'm sorry that you have to deal with those hateful attitudes, and I'm impressed that you are so actively involved in the family life, anyway. I'm sure that you are teaching your children that that is not the way families should operate; often these things travel down through the generations, if there is not a deliberate attempt to teach that things should be otherwise.

I wanted to say that in a tone of encouragement, not admonition, just in case it doesn't come across correctly. I want to acknowledge that you are in a difficult circumstance. I think it would be better for your husband to stand up for you to his family, instead of taking you off of text chains, but of course I don't understand your whole situation. I'm glad your husband is being gracious to you.

[saraha]

1 minute ago, Storygirl said:

I'm sorry. Your family dynamics sound difficult and unhealthy. I do hope you know that any notion that you are on the bottom of the totem pole, because you married the youngest son is so wrong and that families that would think and act this way are dysfunctional. I'm sorry that you have to deal with those hateful attitudes, and I'm impressed that you are so actively involved in the family life, anyway. I'm sure that you are teaching your children that that is not the way families should operate; often these things travel down through the generations, if there is not a deliberate attempt to teach that things should be otherwise.

I wanted to say that in a tone of encouragement, not admonition, just in case it doesn't come across correctly. I want to acknowledge that you are in a difficult circumstance. I think it would be better for your husband to stand up for you to his family, instead of taking you off of text chains, but of course I don't understand your whole situation. I'm glad your husband is being gracious to you.

It is a weird dynamic, my poor dh is only slightly higher than me on that totem pole. He is perpetually treated like a child and it has really affected him. His self esteem has always been in the dirt. Imagine being a 46 yo man with a large family of his own he is doing a great job with, successful career, but when it comes to the farm, his parents, any serious decision he is not taken seriously unless his opinion breaks a tie.

[Spryte]

13 minutes ago, saraha said:

This is the first time I’ve been invited to a sibling group text. Mostly because I was the one there all the time and they could get quicker answers by having me involved then having to go through dh at work. My dh is probably goi g to make sure it’s my last, haha

For your own sanity, I’d take the opportunity to get off those texts and run!

If you must stay on, like me … I mostly ignore the sibling group text now, but occasionally DH has me respond when he’s deep in a work project. I am careful, now, to start my text off with, “DH is working and asked me to relay this on his behalf . . . “ or something like that. I never offer any thoughts or opinions as my own anymore! Of course, if you’re the only one with MIL at her home, that’s a bit different, so it may not always work. I am matter off fact and blunt when that’s the case, here.

My MIL is in hospice now, and the SILs haven’t even acknowledged it. It’s a strange dance between their not wanting to be involved, living in denial, with sudden spurts of needing to be authorities on whatever is going on. I try not to take any of it personally now, because I know I am the one in the trenches, doing the hard work and the right thing. They are dealing with their feelings about being absent as best they can, and their attitudes aren’t worth taking personally.

In your case, it sounds like there’s already a weird dynamic. The younger/elder sibling thing is bizarre. I’m sorry that’s complicating things!

[saraha]

@Spryte you are a good daughter in law

Hugs to everyone caring/cared for a loved one with dementia 

Edited January 19, 2022 by saraha

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

This is the first time I’ve been invited to a sibling group text. Mostly because I was the one there all the time and they could get quicker answers by having me involved then having to go through dh at work. My dh is probably goi g to make sure it’s my last, haha

That is a little strange.....I am included in many group texts with my dh's family.  Certainly those important like the ones that involve sick parents.

In fact, my sisters in law and my MIL often include me and not dh!  

[BlsdMama]

SO hard. 😞

Two suggestions that might help? If he doesn't normally read to learn, it's doubtful he'd pick up the book.  My hubby does not like reading.  I will send him a link to something I'd like him to watch or get it on audiobook? It's a thought.  Second? Vitamin C ascorbate powder - doesn't irritate the stomach and tastes decent, no pill.  If there is anything that could be made drinkable it might be a solution.

I am so sorry.  You are in between a rock and a hard spot here and it's just not easy in any direction.  I'm sorry your efforts aren't being met halfway. 😞 I hope they get that you're just trying to find solutions and help in a difficult situation.

[Melissa in Australia]

Huge hugs

[saraha]

Can I just say that the patient is the easiest part of this caregiving situation? I know I’m belly aching, but really, at this point I just want to walk away, but I can’t. My kids have made it clear they are watching and appreciate what I’m doing for their grandparents and my dh seems very grateful, mostly because he doesn’t have to apply cream to his mothers backside among other things I do. Tonight he said that home health care workers should unionize because they are seriously the unsung heroes of the world.

ETA: and if I have to listen to one more if refrain of “sister in law can’t help it, that’s just the way it is” I think I might strangle someone.

Edited January 24, 2022 by saraha

[Harriet Vane]

Warm hugs for you. I'd love to wave my magic fairy-godmother wand and give you a month on the beach.

Edited January 24, 2022 by Harriet Vane

[saraha]

4 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

Warm hugs for you. I'd love to waive my magic fairy-godmother wand and give you a month on the beach.

That would be so fabulous. Today I scheduled a day where I was only there at 7:30 am and 8:30 pm because all 6 of my kids could hang out at the same time.  I made sure that all three meals were covered with a combination of microwave reheat and a meal in the crockpot and yet I still got texts, had to listen to praises of their “real daughter”  and ended up starting and ending my “day off” there. And actual sons who say nope, I’m not putting cream on anyone, and couldn’t answer me when I said well, what if I quit? Will you leave her with a raw bottom?!?
To all of those daughters and daughter in laws who step up, you are the bomb!

[Soror]

What a mess. It is a big bunch of crap that you are being treated like you are when you are the one taking care of them. People suck sometimes.

[Kassia]

7 hours ago, saraha said:

I know I’m belly aching, but really, at this point I just want to walk away, but I can’t.

You're not belly aching at all.  Please vent here whenever you want/need to.  What a horrible situation for you.

 

7 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

Warm hugs for you. I'd love to wave my magic fairy-godmother wand and give you a month on the beach.

Yes!!!!  Me too!  

 

7 hours ago, saraha said:

 I made sure that all three meals were covered with a combination of microwave reheat and a meal in the crockpot and yet I still got texts, had to listen to praises of their “real daughter”  and ended up starting and ending my “day off” there. And actual sons who say nope, I’m not putting cream on anyone, and couldn’t answer me when I said well, what if I quit? Will you leave her with a raw bottom?!?
 

You have been amazing throughout all of this.  I'm sorry for how the rest of the family is acting - that just makes a hard situation so much harder.  I just can't believe how much everyone expects from you and yet there is no appreciation.  

[HS Mom in NC]

Yeah, tough decisions have to be made with dementia patients and I completely understand why you didn't push the vitamin at the time. With my grandmother we had to make similar decisions.  I'm so sorry more family members aren't seeing the wisdom in your decisions and aren't more appreciative of your approach.

[BlsdMama]

On 1/19/2022 at 11:34 AM, mlktwins said:

I want to add here that my dad has dementia and has just been diagnosed with swallowing issues related to dementia.  We were trying to get at the cause of his chronic cough.  The pulmonologist referred us to a speech pathologist for a swallow evaluation.  The initial evaluation diagnosed the swallowing issues.  We did a follow-up swallowing barium x-ray, which was very cool to watch by the way, that confirmed it.  He is now to take each pill one at a time (not the handful he usually tries to swallow).  He has other things he has to do now too.

I just wanted to say that @prairiewindmomma could be right!

If it's helpful to use/find medical terms, it's called dysphagia.  One source I found said that 75% Alzheimer's patients have dysphagia.  It is a VERY real threat to end life - less by choking (as one would think) and more likely by getting pneumonia from swallowing liquids wrong.  While I sympathize with the harsh learning curve, it is imperative that the family recognize he must learn to recognize signs of additional needed care.  He needs some sort of learning support.  It looks like you cannot be this person due to resistance, so a source must be found, whether that's a support group, a social worker, or some other resource that the hospital/clinic/doctor can point to.

[Spryte]

9 hours ago, saraha said:

That would be so fabulous. Today I scheduled a day where I was only there at 7:30 am and 8:30 pm because all 6 of my kids could hang out at the same time.  I made sure that all three meals were covered with a combination of microwave reheat and a meal in the crockpot and yet I still got texts, had to listen to praises of their “real daughter”  and ended up starting and ending my “day off” there. And actual sons who say nope, I’m not putting cream on anyone, and couldn’t answer me when I said well, what if I quit? Will you leave her with a raw bottom?!?
To all of those daughters and daughter in laws who step up, you are the bomb!

Goodness, you are doing all the heavy lifting. You can’t physically be the only one. You just can’t.

I feel like a hypocrite suggesting this, because I didn’t do it and just did it all when we had my mother, but have you considered quietly researching alternative care options with your DH? Then, when and if the need arises, that legwork is done?

If that’s something you want to do, let me sing the praises of various agencies on aging! If you can find yours, and speak to a human, you may get gobs of ideas for support. At the least, they may help guide you to companies that can help.

Caregiving services offer different options, so what one does or requires will differ from others.

Also, possibly more palatable to stubborn people who don’t think they need help … her Medicare may cover some services in the form of OT or PT or something like that (swallowing PT is a thing, and could be useful). Your DH can ask her regular doc about that. It would get eyes on her, besides yours, and Home Health would send a nurse along with PT and OT to asses her (not as often, but one to check in). They will help get her moving, work on balance, and advise you on how to help her best and set up the house. If she has Medicaid (I’m guessing not), they would cover a lot more.

You are an angel for doing what you do. I want to encourage you, though, to find help however you can. It will eventually be more than you can handle, and you need back up.

Also — check into Meals on Wheels. For both of them. That will cover one meal a day. Depending on their income, they may need to pay a bit. It’s worth it.

Edited January 24, 2022 by Spryte

[mlktwins]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

If it's helpful to use/find medical terms, it's called dysphagia.  One source I found said that 75% Alzheimer's patients have dysphagia.  It is a VERY real threat to end life - less by choking (as one would think) and more likely by getting pneumonia from swallowing liquids wrong.  While I sympathize with the harsh learning curve, it is imperative that the family recognize he must learn to recognize signs of additional needed care.  He needs some sort of learning support.  It looks like you cannot be this person due to resistance, so a source must be found, whether that's a support group, a social worker, or some other resource that the hospital/clinic/doctor can point to.

Yes, I know the term for it.  He was just diagnosed.  He has 24/7 caregiving with instructions on what he needs to be doing.  He hates the $42 Provale cup that only allows 10 cc of water to come out at a time.  They just keep reinforcing it each day.  He uses ThickenUp in his other fluids, like coffee.  They make sure to sit with him while he eats to make sure he takes a sip of his drink between each bite of food.  They hand him his meds one at a time.  Me and one caregiver will be going to training with the speech pathologist soon to talk about other things we can do to help him and what dietary changes may be needed.  We will train everyone else. 

I understand the severity of the problem too.

 

Edited January 24, 2022 by mlktwins
correcting my typing (I am multi-tasking LOL)

[saraha]

@Spryte
Oh thank you for these suggestions, I’ve heard of the agencies on aging but didn’t know what they are/do! I’m going to look into this. My mil is such a sweetie that it is not hard to want to care for her, it’s the rest of them, not counting dh that I could do without. Although I will say yesterday my bil stayed there so I could have the bulk of the day with my family and as he left telling me he had couldn’t come back for three days due to a work trip, he thanked me. I’m pretty sure it’s because of said cream 😆 but I’ll take it.

Edited January 24, 2022 by saraha

[saraha]

Does anyone know how I find out what her Medicare covers?

[Spryte]

7 minutes ago, saraha said:

Does anyone know how I find out what her Medicare covers?

They send a big book once a year, that details coverage. But I rarely referenced it. If your DH can call her doc, possibly ask for a telehealth appt, and explain that you are doing the caregiving at her home, and want to go as long as possible, can s/he suggest any services that might help you help her? Ask if PT/OT home services might help with balance. Balance is a BIG issue and they always want to work on that, thus the suggestion. 🤣 Make sure you mention the skin sores, the swallowing (or reluctance to take pills … and ask about if swallowing could be the issue), and anything else. Slow walking? Short, tiny steps? Wobbly when she stands?  Showering difficulty? Once the doc refers you for it, the ball will start to roll and you’ll find out how much is covered. My mom had a nurse visit at the start to assess, then PT/OT twice weekly for a few months. Nurse checked in periodically. It was a huge help! And they will assign exercises that her DH can help her do, daily.

Edited January 24, 2022 by Spryte

[mlktwins]

7 minutes ago, saraha said:

Does anyone know how I find out what her Medicare covers?

I'm just going to put this out there in case it helps anyone. Medicare has a form that can be filled out to allow designated individuals to speak to them on behalf of the patient.  Dad has done this for me so I am able to speak with them freely about benefits, etc.  Here is a link to the form https://www.cms.gov/Medicare/CMS-Forms/CMS-Forms/CMS-Forms-Items/CMS1193148 .  For this one, I was told he only has to fill out once.  I would get this form done for both of your in-laws sooner than later.

There is also a form for their supplemental health insurance (if any) to do the same thing.  My dad has Federal BCBS and we have to fill that form out yearly. You will need to check with their provider to see if they have one.

It has saved me a lot of headaches in the past 3 years to have these completed and on file.

[saraha]

Warning: Petty rant ahead. Feel free to ignore 

SIL has decided she is recovered from Covid and is now ready to take over the job of telling people what to do without needing input at aaaalllll. I am trying to grow duck feathers and let it roll off. I succeed some days, other days not so much. Today, not so much. I am trying to find a way to back out a lot now that fil is feeling better and let sil take over, but she doesn’t want to spend time there, she just wants to tell me what to do. Like tonight she had a nurse from their church out to look at a sore mil developed. They were there an hour earlier than my scheduled shift, no word, no offer to just go ahead and do the night time thing, only reason I knew is that dh was out on the tractor and saw car lights and went up to the house to see if something was wrong. He called me and I texted and said hey, since you are already up there, how about doing the night time thing… I got back, how did you know I was here? I guess I can.  🤦‍♀️ Like it would have killed her since she was already there and I have done it every night for going on three weeks, and she has never done it.  I also need to figure out how to set boundaries now that the emergency seems to be over and before they get used to me doing it all.

Oh and here’s the extra petty part of me, the nurse confirmed what I said about the sore 3 days ago and what we should do about it. 🙄

thanks for letting me vent here, my poor husband is having a hard enough time as it is 

 

[Harriet Vane]

Vent away. We are right here with you.

Good for you texting for her to do the night stuff. Boundaries are a good thing, the sooner the better.

[Kassia]

7 minutes ago, saraha said:

Warning: Petty rant ahead. Feel free to ignore 

SIL has decided she is recovered from Covid and is now ready to take over the job of telling people what to do without needing input at aaaalllll. I am trying to grow duck feathers and let it roll off. I succeed some days, other days not so much. Today, not so much. I am trying to find a way to back out a lot now that fil is feeling better and let sil take over, but she doesn’t want to spend time there, she just wants to tell me what to do. Like tonight she had a nurse from their church out to look at a sore mil developed. They were there an hour earlier than my scheduled shift, no word, no offer to just go ahead and do the night time thing, only reason I knew is that dh was out on the tractor and saw car lights and went up to the house to see if something was wrong. He called me and I texted and said hey, since you are already up there, how about doing the night time thing… I got back, how did you know I was here? I guess I can.  🤦‍♀️ Like it would have killed her since she was already there and I have done it every night for going on three weeks, and she has never done it.  I also need to figure out how to set boundaries now that the emergency seems to be over and before they get used to me doing it all.

Oh and here’s the extra petty part of me, the nurse confirmed what I said about the sore 3 days ago and what we should do about it. 🙄

thanks for letting me vent here, my poor husband is having a hard enough time as it is 

 

I'm glad you feel you can vent here but so sorry about the whole situation.  I'd be losing my mind.  This has just been a nightmare