Issue resolved

[Dianthus]

Thank you for the helpful thoughts.

Edited January 9, 2022 by Spirea

[HomeAgain]

I have felt similar.  And it was worse when we were younger, where I felt all the responsibility for budgeting/thinking about our future and he got the freedom of spending.  It has evened out over the years, thanks to a lot of money management work.  But still, I don't even want to know the discrepancy this year between the big gift I got dh and the big gift he got me (a box and a book, so both things we love but the price difference is there).

However, and this is a big marriage saver for us, is that dh and I keep separate savings accounts.  We each put our play money in there and use that to buy gifts for each other.  I can be totally gracious about accepting a gift that I know dh wants to give me and it's not a waste of money - it's planned money to be spent frivolously however we like.  It makes a difference knowing that it's planned and budgeted that way.  The fact is, this Christmas I could not find many things he wanted, didn't have tight specifications for, and were appropriate for this point in our life.

[Dianthus]

I was going to get some furitniture reupholstered for $2k and was trying to get dh to take a family vacation, which would be at least $4k, in a couple months. Now I feel we can't do either of those because I returned his scarf to save money. How can I rationalize returning his gift to save money and making those big purchases.

[SKL]

I'll just say that having observed my mom & dad over the years, some years he does more for her, and some years she does more for him.  Your husband is happy to have found things you both love.  Take off the tags and enjoy your jacket.  It will be the best gift to him if he sees you enjoying it.

You shouldn't let what that other guy said bother you.  But if you can't let it go, wait at least a month, and then mention it to your dh to see what he thinks of it.  Not all men are the same.  In fact, that guy himself was probably just trying to be funny.  I'm sure he appreciates the thoughts that go into gifts from his wife.

[Dianthus]

@SKL

I actually did tell dh a couple days ago. He didn't understand it at first but I explained it. I was trying to explain and apologize for my bad behavior. I did tell my husband they were lovely, thoughtful gift and made me feel so loved. They just also made me feel so undeserving.

Edited January 8, 2022 by Spirea

[SKL]

It also sounds like money is a big source of anxiety for you.  Perhaps you could unpack that and try to separate it out from Christmas 2021.

What is done is done.  Don't worry about it and don't let it control the future.

I do like the idea of separating out a discretionary spending fund for each of you to use for gifts etc.  It sounds like a good way to separate those decisions from family stuff like trips and home improvements.

[Frances]

Maybe in the future your family could try no gifts or only one homemade gift or only stocking stuffers or setting a $ amount, as it seems like gift giving is just creating stress and unhappiness.

As for stress and disagreement about money in a marriage, that is unfortunately very common. Do you plan and work on a budget together,so you both are in the same page about spending and priorities?

[matrips]

Been there done that!  I do the budgeting so when he gets me something I think is overpriced, the budget is what I think of first 😬
 

Keep the items you haven’t returned yet and wear them often.  Don’t save for a special occasion.  That will show the appreciation that maybe you initially lacked.  He thought you were worth it, so revel in that feeling and not the budget.  It’s a bonus that you like the items! 🙂
 

I did take the last items to the store to get a price correction though.  So keeping the item, but not at the full price he paid.  It is now on sale.  So that helps.  Next year, practice your reactions ahead of time for various types of gifts. 🙂. 

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, matrips said:

 

Keep the items you haven’t returned yet and wear them often.  Don’t save for a special occasion.  That will show the appreciation that maybe you initially lacked.  He thought you were worth it, so revel in that feeling and not the budget.  It’s a bonus that you like the items! 🙂
 

I

I love this suggestion!  

 

[matrips]

Also, we use ynab, and I have categories for Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, gifts for others, work related gifts/meals etc.  it takes the sting out when at least some (ideally all, but I wouldn’t have had $1000 set aside) of the money is already budgeted and I don’t have to worry about finding money for bills.  Can you save a certain amount each month and before Christmas let him know how much is in the budgeted categories?  

[Grace Hopper]

You are not undeserving!
 

When we were in the thick of raising school age kids, I was at home doing The Work and dh was the bringing The Paycheck- not that he wasn’t also working, just that the check had his name on it and was compensation for what he did, not what I did, kwim? Of course the rationale is that what I did for the household *enabled* him to bring home the bacon, but it is hard to not feel like you have no control over the money. I experienced similar feelings. 
Also, it was difficult to buy any kind of surprise gift because dh keeps a tight eye on the budget and asks about irregular charges (he’s trying to make sure it’s not fraud/Id theft, but still… kind of infantilizing). 

So, I got a job. Part time at first, more hours now that the nest is virtually empty. I declined to add that to the main bank account, which caused rough waters for a while. But now I have some financial freedom. I have encouraged my adult dd’s and d’s-i-l to always keep up some income earning skills, even when they have kids. 
 

If there is no way (or wish) for you to generate your own stream of income, I suggest you do as a good friend of mine did - request a “paycheck” from your husband. A regular budget amount that you receive and there are no questions asked about how you choose to spend it. FWIW, I pay for a lot of my own things now - clothing, personal care, hair, gifts to others, lunch/coffee/movie with girlfriends. But dh was somehow finding $ to do all those things (including buying me presents when I felt like I couldn’t buy him one with “his” money), and it wasn’t fair. It was financial bondage for me. 

Edited January 8, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Katy]

Think of the gifts as making up for previous years. Wear them with joy. 

Think of you as one family, money belongs to both of you, and think of the man that made that joke as on the verge of divorce because that wasn’t healthy at all. 

At some point in a few weeks when it’s less emotional ask your DH to have a discussion about money, budgeting, retirement, and work. Mine found life so much less stressful when I quit working he didn’t ever want me to go back.  If he was disabled or ill or something I would but he doesn’t at all consider anything “his” vs “ours.” Primarily because he wouldn’t be nearly as successful without me. 

[Farrar]

I've had some similar mismatched gift expectations and giving with dh so I totally feel you on this. Dh used to give me lots of gifts - small and large - without really being aware of when I really loved and appreciated them or not. He did not pick up on subtle hints that some gifts just didn't work for me - especially ones I felt were a waste of money. And when we first tried to have conversations about it, I ended up just making him feel bad because he needed to give gifts to show his love. So I had to give him alternative ways to do that which could work for both of us. It took a bunch of time! And now we sort of laugh about some of the gift giving issues of the past, but that's because we took years to get together on this in a better way.

I would say this... first, gift exchanges don't have to be even to be good and right. And one of the benefits of being in a marriage is being able to have that freedom where you don't have to make everything match. Sometimes one partner does more and another does less and other times it's the reverse. Gifting is just another place where that can be the case - just like running the household, doing the parenting, doing the cleaning, planning the vacations, earning the money, etc. can be those places. If you try to make everything even all the time, you'll go nuts. Let it be uneven sometimes and trust that your marriage is strong enough for that level of waxing and waning.

Second, it's also okay to have a frank conversation around gifting with your dh - ideally in like, March or August or some really neutral time when no one is close to giving anything. I find the paradigm of love languages is really useful in cases like these (even if the specific categories aren't always). It sounds like you really need to give and receive gifts that have thought behind them. Monetary type gifts (which these are - they're big and showy) make you uncomfortable. You want the gift of time and awareness that's behind the gift - the awareness of being known and understood might be a part of that. What does he want with gifts - both to give and receive (because they can be different!). My guess is that he wanted your reaction - maybe words of praise and appreciation for his giving or your pleasure in the gift. But you won't know unless you talk about it. And then within that, have a conversation about budget and come to an understanding around that which will work for both of you.

 

[Grace Hopper]

31 minutes ago, Spirea said:

I was going to get some furitniture reupholstered for $2k and was trying to get dh to take a family vacation, which would be at least $4k, in a couple months. Now I feel we can't do either of those because I returned his scarf to save money. How can I rationalize returning his gift to save money and making those big purchases.

Not saying you should return things, but the logic is that you returned those things so the money that would be available for the these purchases you actually wanted to make. 

[Arcadia]

I think you should keep the jacket and rebuy the scarf you like. While my family doesn’t celebrate Christmas, my birthday is in December. My husband spent more on my birthday presents last month because he gets a work from home allowance in 2021. In total he spent more than $1k, just that mine was on two bags, a few pairs of earrings and a bracelet.

When my DS17 entered public elementary school, my husband spent some money “upgrading” my wardrobe because parents picking up their k-2nd kids were majority dressed in their Sunday best. 
I have been a SAHM since DS17 was born. I do the tax returns every year. My opinion is that spending more than $1k a year on wants when its affordable is very different from spending a much larger sum.  My kids are currently in 11th and 12th grade and my husband’s pay is going down quite a lot this year. So technically we are looking at five years of negligible savings putting both teens in state universities full pay. So pragmatic “luxury” items are going to be used and a nice treat. Your jacket is going to last you years if not decades. Our scarfs has lasted decades. Enjoy your jacket 🙂

[Dianthus]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

It sounds like you really need to give and receive gifts that have thought behind them. Monetary type gifts (which these are - they're big and showy) make you uncomfortable. You want the gift of time and awareness that's behind the gift - the awareness of being known and understood might be a part of that. What does he want with gifts - both to give and receive (because they can be different!). My guess is that he wanted your reaction - maybe words of praise and appreciation for his giving or your pleasure in the gift. But you won't know unless you talk about it. And then within that, have a conversation about budget and come to an understanding around that which will work for both of you.

 

So, yes thoughtfulness. These were thoughtful gifts that happened to be expensive. He did tell me long ago that when a guy wants to get something for his wife, he's not going to wait for it to go on sale, he's just going to get it. I always buy everything on sale. So there's that. I won't buy greeting cards because I refuse to pay $5+ for a piece of paper. He knows this, but still always buys me the nicest cards and I appreciate them even though they cost $5 for a piece of paper. He said this year when he was choosing my card, some guy walked by, reached out, grabbed a card and left. Like everyone choosing cards watched him in shock because zero thought went into that. My husband said, how did the guy know he didn't buy a card in Spanish or something. Anyway, was funny. He does try to be thoughtful. These were thoughtful gifts. I love scarves. Just expensive and I felt guilty I hadn't gotten him anything and oh, I'm just so awkward.

I also felt, the one expensive scarf was so fancy, and I would look silly doing my normal rounds taking the kids to their places and cruising the clearance racks at the grocery store. But maybe he wants me to up my game and doesn't want a frumpy wife.

As an aside. I would have kept less expensive $100 scarf except I didn't like it. Beautiful blue on one half, and the other half was a horrid houndstooth with brown and pink and cream and it was strangely wide and was awkward to wear. So I guess, I could tolerate $100 but not $200 and certainly not $300 for both. I know I need to not price everything and just accept and appreciate. 

We really have a great relationship and we don't have big disagreements about money. Not sure what to do about the house. It's in a fantastic neighborhood but we bought it planning for an addition and now it's building costs are not affordable. We aren't willing to downgrade to another neighborhood even though we could get a larger house. I spend a lot on kids activities, but I'm pretty frugal on other things, so he's OK with it. I know he values their progress and abilities. I still feel I should be careful, mostly because at heart I feel it isn't my money to spend, which I need to overcome.

I think the whole love language thing is not applicable to me. I like thoughtful gifts, I like quality time, physical touch, affirmation... whatever they all are. I like them all. Maybe I'm just needy. I don't have one language and neither does he. It's the one place I'm a polyglot... ha.

We have had some years where I got good gifts for him. 2019, was not expensive, I had some of his very meaningful photos printed and framed. He loved that and I loved his reaction. It was great. I bought him a nice gifts years before when I was still working. I have had offers to work from home but I could never fit it in. I can barely breathe, I have so little time with schooling 3 kids and a 1 yr old.

 

1 hour ago, Arcadia said:

I think you should keep the jacket and rebuy the scarf you like.

I feel like that do. But it also feels crazy to have him return then me to go rebuy. Like, make up your mind already! It won't be on sale at the specialty store he went to either.

[Arcadia]

Here you see people wearing Gucci or Burberry scarfs carrying Louis Vuitton, Prada, Loewe handbags at Grocery Outlet, Dollar Tree and other discount stores. We do live near premium outlets.

In your case, I would just bring my husband to rebuy the scarf. My husband would be happy that he actually picked something I would want, just felt too pricey to keep. 

[Rosie_0801]

13 minutes ago, Spirea said:

. But it also feels crazy to have him return then me to go rebuy. Like, make up your mind already! It won't be on sale at the specialty store he went to either.

Correcting mistakes isn't crazy.
Problem solving isn't crazy.

[ktgrok]

OH man, we had a similar thing happen here this year! About a week before Christmas I asked DH for a total, approximately, of what he spent on me, inclusive of what he was giving me, what was from the kids, what was from my parents (they send us a big check each December for us to spend on gifts for us and the kids from them). 

We have always had a budget for this, but this year things were crazy, and I just needed to know both for budgeting and so I could make sure we were about on the same page gift wise. Um...no. No we were not. I'd spend about $200 on him, INCLUDING gifts from my parents. He'd spent a grand total of around $800!!!!!!! I did NOT react well, I'm afraid. I was really upset, both becasue um, BUDGET!!! and because it was frankly a bit embarrassing. Turns out, he'd been ONLY including gifts from him directly in the $200-250 budget we had for each other each year! I'd been including in that total stuff from me AND from the kids. So in his head he could just say ll the expensive stuff was from them! I was not grateful, not gracious, and he ended up returning some of it. And then I ended up spending more on him, which actually he really loved (but not 800 more!). So seeing him love that was nice, but I'm sTILL stressed about holiday bills. 

Moral of the story, set a budget WELL beforehand - no later than Thanksgiving weekend so you have time to pivot. And then, as I learned, make sure you are clear what that budget includes - sigh. 

But also, remember that he LIKES giving you things. It is hard for me to let my DH spend money on me, but I finally realized that for him, what is the point of working so freaking hard if he can't spend it on the person he loves? that's the REASON he works so much. To buy stuff for me and the kids, to spoil us a bit. So, let him. Let him have that joy. If seeing you in that jacket makes him smile, both because you look lovely in it but also because it makes him feel on top of the world that he could afford to buy it for you, keep it. That's worth it - to him, if not to you. 

That said, returning stuff you don't like is okay too - I returned a few things, and used the money to upgrade one of the other gifts he got me, and that was fine. 

Just work it into the budget better than I did this ear, lol. 

[ktgrok]

Who, just read another of your replies, where you wonder if he got you that nice scarf because he doesn't want a frumpy wife. 

And I say, STOP!!! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!

Your husband got you a lovely gift because he loves you, and it felt good to him to be able to buy you something nice, that he knows you wouldn't go out and buy for yourself. Guys LIKE doing that. 

Do NOT take his desire to spoil you and treat you to something nice because he loves you and appreciates you and turn that into an insult. DO NOT DO THAT! You are a wonderful person who deserves nice things just as much as the next person. Your husband got you something nice, you liked it, that's a win. Don't let satan (or whatever) twist that into something that drives a wedge between you or makes you feel badly. Don't. 

Hugs. 

[Dianthus]

20 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Who, just read another of your replies, where you wonder if he got you that nice scarf because he doesn't want a frumpy wife. 

And I say, STOP!!! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!

Your husband got you a lovely gift because he loves you, and it felt good to him to be able to buy you something nice, that he knows you wouldn't go out and buy for yourself. Guys LIKE doing that. 

Do NOT take his desire to spoil you and treat you to something nice because he loves you and appreciates you and turn that into an insult. DO NOT DO THAT! You are a wonderful person who deserves nice things just as much as the next person. Your husband got you something nice, you liked it, that's a win. Don't let satan (or whatever) twist that into something that drives a wedge between you or makes you feel badly. Don't. 

Hugs. 

He doesn't make me feel frumpy. I know he loves me and he makes me feel beautiful. But he likes me to look nice and not wear tattered clothes. 

[ktgrok]

26 minutes ago, Spirea said:

He doesn't make me feel frumpy. I know he loves me and he makes me feel beautiful. But he likes me to look nice and not wear tattered clothes. 

Ok, just making sure you realize this is him being nice, not him criticizing you 🙂

[Bootsie]

Over the years we have had similar mismatches of gifts.  I have grown more comfortable with it.  Some years there is something expensive DH really wants.   Other years, there just isn't much to get him.  DH is also bad about shopping for himself right before a holiday or birthday and buying what I was going to get him for a gift.  This year was one of the Christmases that there just wasn't much on his list or many ideas.  I just try to see it is averaging out over the long run, saving for years in which there is a special gift that is a possibility and not spending money frivolously in other years just to spend a certain amount.  It is difficult, however, because DH likes gifts--he likes opening them, likes being surprised, really appreciates when someone finds the right toy that he is going to love--but it is rare that anyone can do that.  So, I have to think of it as if every few years I will hit a homerun but not set that expectation for every gift giving situation.

I also have struggled with appreciating some gift from DH.  He is bad about when I say "I would like X" of being really considerate and going to the store, talking to the clerk who tells him if I want X, then X++++ supermodel would be much better and a fantastic present.  So, in an effort to give me a fantastic gift he upgrades to something that has features I won't use, isn't what I really wanted, or spends much more than I would have been willing to spend.  Sometimes I have to say, but I really wanted X and X++++supermodel isn't going to work because it won't fit on the counter or whatever the issue.  

[Kanin]

1 hour ago, Spirea said:

I still feel I should be careful, mostly because at heart I feel it isn't my money to spend, which I need to overcome.

This is tough. Maybe you could figure out what the costs/benefits would be of you going to work... would you need to spend a lot in childcare, and could your income make up for that? What about the stress associated with you working vs. being available for the kids, for unexpected situations, etc. 

Also... 

I hate gift price mismatches. In fact, I don't like the pressure to buy gifts at a certain time of year, just because it's expected. This is a major reason why the adults in my family agreed that we would only spend X dollars on gifts each year. It's really not much, so we mostly get cute stocking stuffers and socks, that sort of thing. We all buy things for ourselves throughout the year, so it doesn't really feel like special things are needed at Christmas time. Having a set budget really takes the stress out of gift giving, for me. 

[Dianthus]

Just now, Kanin said:

This is tough. Maybe you could figure out what the costs/benefits would be of you going to work... would you need to spend a lot in childcare, and could your income make up for that? What about the stress associated with you working vs. being available for the kids, for unexpected situations, etc. 

I don't want to work at all. We were in very similar fields. We would double our income. We would have no where near the same quality of life. We don't like the area schools. So many things. I like being home with the kids and making all our food and having a clean house. Dh likes me to stay at home too. He hates that his coworkers kids are in daycare and always sick and thinks it's a super rat race with people hardly seeing their kids. He likes our house clean and meals made. I wouldn't mind working part time from home but truly don't have the extra time and I know it would be very stressful.

I've tried to think of a summer money making project. I've considered business outside of my field, but it would be time I don't want to take away from my kids. I like our fun summers. I honestly regret the lost time that I worked too much before we had kids. Dh and I should have traveled more together, but I remember a couple years being so hung up with work that I didn't take the time.

[Kanin]

4 minutes ago, Spirea said:

I don't want to work at all. We were in very similar fields. We would double our income. We would have no where near the same quality of life. We don't like the area schools. So many things. I like being home with the kids and making all our food and having a clean house. Dh likes me to stay at home too. He hates that his coworkers kids are in daycare and always sick and thinks it's a super rat race with people hardly seeing their kids. He likes our house clean and meals made. I wouldn't mind working part time from home but truly don't have the extra time and I know it would be very stressful.

So it sounds like you both like the arrangement you have. Like others have suggested, maybe a conversation about budgeting and expectations, at some point, would help. Money conversations leave me literally shaking and sweaty, so I get the hesitation!

[HS Mom in NC]

The impression I got from your original post is of a "score keeper" mindset.  That's seems like an impossible way to live.  Quantifying everything by monetary value is a consumerist/materialistic mindset.  Frankly, that's the one thing I hate about modern feminism: the tendency of many to equate unpaid work with no/low value because it doesn't result in money resulting in prestige and power.  Good heavens,  this world runs on unpaid work, usually done by women. If women stopped doing unpaid work society would go down in flames before spring. It's incredibly valuable. Just because I don't get a paycheck doesn't mean what I do isn't valuable. Thank God my husband sees it that way too. It's our money because what it would cost him to hire someone to do everything I do from gestating the kids, taking care of kids, home schooling, running a household, cooking, cleaning, running errands, shopping, gardening, eldercare, etc.  would be equal to most people's incomes, if not exceed them.  Studies have been done on it.

Also, it seems like there's not a lot of clear communication going on with expectations in general and financial plans in particular before purchases/financial commitments. Remember, no one can read your mind.  Everyone is different. Some differences are dramatic. Unless someone is incapable of clear communication due to developmental stage or infirmity, we are each responsible for articulating as clearly as we can what we're expecting, thinking, and feeling to people who are not inside our heads. 

We talk about what we're going to spend per person on gifts for Christmas by Halloween at the latest. We stick very close to that limit and don't go more than 20% over or under it for each person. Everyone is told to make a wish list before Thanksgiving in case anyone buying gifts for someone doesn't want to/can't figure something out on their own. If someone wants something more expensive than our spending limit,  we give cash so they can save up if that's their preference.   It simplifies things dramatically because it limits choices and reduces financial stress.  We don't make big fat hairy deals out of gift giving either. We have modest Christmases proportionate to our income because this is real life, not the movies. (Don't get me started on how much I despise Hollywood for setting up unrealistic expectations for people who aren't naturally analytical and practical, making those of us who are the bad guys.)

Not everyone is a gift person-some don't have that thing inside them that makes them connect sentiments about relationships symbolically with inanimate objects. I repeat: It's.not.in.them. So you cannot expect that kind of person to do that for you. You have to either give a list for them to work from or accept their method of gift selection.  And I don't think you can demand that of your kids either. Yes, you can teach them that selecting a gift is about making their best guess, based on what they know about the recipient, for what the recipient would like, but measuring the value of it by the amount of thought put in is unfair. Odds are, no matter how much some people think about it, they're not going to come to the same conclusion you think they should.  If it bothers you that what they thought of isn't good enough for whatever reason like it's too expensive, then give them a list of things to choose from that are good enough. You have to give people a fair chance.  If you don't them ideas and you're going to be hurt if they guess wrong, you're laying a trap. That's not fair.

All our financial decisions are made in light of retirement and explicitly stated financial goals and priorities discussed eyeball to eyeball at length and politely negotiated, because no 2 people will make the exact same decisions.  There has to be give and take. There are financial updates and adjustments made accordingly on a regular basis-as in at least once a month, of not twice.  Our budget is carefully thought through, negotiated, set, referred to, and stuck to because it's our agreement on how we'll handle our money. It's not romantic, it doesn't just fall into place, but that's what needs to happen to respect everyone involved and to keep a careful balance between the moment, short term goals, and long term goals.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think there is one thing you should decide right now.

And that is to say, “Wow, thank you so much!” To whatever gift he ever gets you again.  

Then wait over night to decide how you feel about it.  You’ve expressed very mixed feelings in this thread, so that makes me think that taking a day or so to let them simmer and settle down would be a good thing.  And your husband deserves thanks for his thoughtfulness and his desire to adorn you whether or not you end up keeping and enjoying the item.

[Katy]

The thing is you probably wouldn’t double your spending money. Taxes, childcare, activity fees, going out to eat & buying convenience foods, buying things kids want only because of peer pressure, wardrobes, car expenses, being sick more often with kids in school, buying kids cars faster, losing kids college financial aid, and buying crap you “deserve” because you’re working so hard you’re chronically exhausted… If you do the math it might cost more for you to work. It would me. You might retire sooner but have a much more difficult life and marriage. 

Have you considered a work from home job sharing situation so you could feel like you’re contributing financially without ten times the stress? 

[Frances]

13 minutes ago, Katy said:

The thing is you probably wouldn’t double your spending money. Taxes, childcare, activity fees, going out to eat & buying convenience foods, buying things kids want only because of peer pressure, wardrobes, car expenses, being sick more often with kids in school, buying kids cars faster, losing kids college financial aid, and buying crap you “deserve” because you’re working so hard you’re chronically exhausted… If you do the math it might cost more for you to work. It would me. You might retire sooner but have a much more difficult life and marriage. 

Have you considered a work from home job sharing situation so you could feel like you’re contributing financially without ten times the stress? 

Maybe yes, maybe no. When I started working FT outside the home while still homeschooling we had no childcare expenses, no increase in eating out or convenience foods, no extra activity fees, no wardrobe or commuting expenses, no more illness, never bought a kid a car and never will, and no buying crap I deserve. Yes, we paid more taxes and yes, we likely lost out on financial aid. But preparing to pay for college was something we had done since the day our son was born. And where he ultimately chose to attend we would not have received FA even on only my husband’s salary.

Edited January 8, 2022 by Frances

[kristin0713]

I would keep the jacket but not rebuy the scarves. I’m pretty frugal. Things like reupholstering furniture and family vacations would be on my priority list, but $300 of scarves would NOT. Forgoing those things allows us to save for the bigger things. However, your DH wanted to get you nice gifts so wear the jacket and tell him how much you love it.  Re: your DH earning all the money. You have to stop thinking that way. You are valuable to your family and contribute just as much in other ways. It does sound like it would be helpful for you guys to sit down and work out a budget that you both agree on and I think that would help alleviate some of your angst about this. 

[Dianthus]

43 minutes ago, kristin0713 said:

I would keep the jacket but not rebuy the scarves. I’m pretty frugal. Things like reupholstering furniture and family vacations would be on my priority list, but $300 of scarves would NOT. Forgoing those things allows us to save for the bigger things. However, your DH wanted to get you nice gifts so wear the jacket and tell him how much you love it.  Re: your DH earning all the money. You have to stop thinking that way. You are valuable to your family and contribute just as much in other ways. It does sound like it would be helpful for you guys to sit down and work out a budget that you both agree on and I think that would help alleviate some of your angst about this. 

I'm keeping the jacket. I asked dh if he'd want to return it since I found the tags and he said he likes it and wants me to keep it. I wore it around the house again today and told him I liked it. I do think the scarf was too much money but it did look so nice with the jacket. 

We have never had a typical budget. We have savings and are ok financially, but don't allot a certain amount for groceries, etc. We start to talk about it then don't finish.

[footballmom]

I have to go run an errand, so I’m sorry if this comes across as abrupt.  A couple of things jumped out at me from your OP: you may be dealing with feelings of unworthiness - could be the “nice things” factor, could be the $, could be both.  Also, I can understand maybe feeling embarrassed / shame given the disparity in the $ value of the gifts.  
 

I can relate to feeling unworthy, in fact my word for 2021 was WORTHY.  I grew up being told I was never enough or worthy of anything.  It’s hard work to deprogram. It also sounds you are also beating yourself up for coming across as ungrateful when you really just needed a minute to process the whole experience.

DH and I have had to create a system / budget related to gifts.  We agree on amount / max and decide if we will withdraw cash for purchases or direct the other not to comb through our debit card purchases carefully lol.  DH is very practical and budget conscious.  
 

Your DH may have delighted in finding things that were very attuned to you and I would be sincere in sharing your love for the gifts that you loved - the jacket and the $200 scarf.  And I would tell him now that you’ve had a chance to process things, you’ve realized the scarf was a lovely gift and would he be open to going back to get it? Give yourself permission to soak up his thoughtfulness and generosity.

[easypeasy]

HA! I'm reading this after packing up a gift from my dh to return because I just didn't feel worthy of it. lol The guilt of the money he spent!!

He saw it packaged up and was displeased, lol. Then my kids saw it packaged up and, I swear, I got a lecture from each one of them about being gracious and accepting a d@mn gift! lol

(I have unpackaged it and officially opened it and already loving it... but I still have waves of guilt about it).

[Meriwether]

Money is complicated.

 

I respect the fact that Dh earns a paycheck. I appreciate that he supports our family. I consider his status as the breadwinner when we discuss big financial decisions. But the money he earns is ours. Just like the kids that I am mostly raising and educating are ours. Both of our contributions are valuable to our family.

I do feel funny buying gifts for him with money he earns, but since it is our money it isn't actually any odder than him getting something for me. Gifts we give the kids feel more natural, since that is giving our shared capital to someone else.

[marbel]

21 minutes ago, Meriwether said:

Money is complicated.

 

I respect the fact that Dh earns a paycheck. I appreciate that he supports our family. I consider his status as the breadwinner when we discuss big financial decisions. But the money he earns is ours. Just like the kids that I am mostly raising and educating are ours. Both of our contributions are valuable to our family.

I do feel funny buying gifts for him with money he earns, but since it is our money it isn't actually any odder than him getting something for me. Gifts we give the kids feel more natural, since that is giving our shared capital to someone else.

 I agree with this completely. 

When I was a stay-home mom, my husband worked to support our family. And, I supported his ability to work. He would  not have been as successful as he was at work, nor had any balance of home life, if I was not supporting him by staying home and taking care of the kids and the home stuff. He saw how stressed out his coworkers were when they/their working spouse had to decide who would stay home with a sick kid. He saw how coworkers (men and women both) had to turn down travel opportunities that would have helped advance their careers, because they had to consider their working spouse's schedule.

Obviously it doesn't work out that way for everyone, situations are different. Some couples live a seamless life with 2 working spouses/parents.  The point is, it sound as if OP's husband is fine with the arrangement and feels that his paycheck is "their" money, not "his" money.  Sure, gift-giving can feel awkward. Sometimes we have to fight that. I mean, I bought things for myself with his paycheck. I bought clothing, haircuts, food items I liked that he didn't. I stopped for coffee with friends sometimes. A person could drive themselves crazy thinking of the things they did not deserve because it was the working spouse's money. So don't do it. 

A nonworking spouse brings value to the working spouse's life and is deserving of sharing in the benefits of the salary. We all know this, but sometimes it is hard to truly believe it. 

[madteaparty]

My DH is a far better gift giver than I am. I have given up the arms race and now just show genuine enjoyment of gifts. That’s a gift in itself;)  we all have our strengths. 

Edited January 9, 2022 by madteaparty

[maize]

Spirea, it sounds to me like you have the kind of busy, somewhat anxiety-prone mind that can get itself tied up in knots looking for things to worry about.

I think that practicing mindfulness/meditation can be one of the best ways of coping with all those unsettled thoughts. Have you ever looked into that? There are apps that can help walk you through. The idea is to break away from the hamster round of worries and just be in the moment. Our minds are adapted to always looking out for danger, so when there isn't some actual imminent danger--no wolf stalking us, no threat of starvation--our minds start viewing everyday things as worrisome problems. Sometimes the way to address that phenomenon isn't to try to solve the "problem" we are fixating on but to give our brain an intentional break from worrying.

[fraidycat]

In our house, DH and I don't try to "match" gifts in terms of expense year by year, but it tends to work itself out in the long run. For example, I can't remember what I got him the year he got me a Macbook Pro - but I probably spent only about 1/10-1/8th the amount on him. But this year, my gift from him that I picked out myself and told him I wanted was about $40, and the gift I got him was $650. Some other year, I might want/need a bigger ticket item and DH will get the $40-$50 gift. Some years we don't exchange gifts at all.

I hope you are able to have a nice long conversation with your husband about all of the feelings and emotions that were tangled up in this gift exchange so you can apologize where you feel compelled to do so and also help him to understand where you are coming from. That you didn't mean to reject him through his thoughtful act, and that you want him to not have to work until 70, etc. Hopefully it will open up an ongoing dialogue about finances and all of the nuances that affect each of you.

Big hugs! Money is so much more emotional than it is logical.

 

[Dianthus]

2 hours ago, maize said:

Spirea, it sounds to me like you have the kind of busy, somewhat anxiety-prone mind that can get itself tied up in knots looking for things to worry about.

I think that practicing mindfulness/meditation can be one of the best ways of coping with all those unsettled thoughts. Have you ever looked into that? There are apps that can help walk you through. The idea is to break away from the hamster round of worries and just be in the moment. Our minds are adapted to always looking out for danger, so when there isn't some actual imminent danger--no wolf stalking us, no threat of starvation--our minds start viewing everyday things as worrisome problems. Sometimes the way to address that phenomenon isn't to try to solve the "problem" we are fixating on but to give our brain an intentional break from worrying.

I'm not terribly anxious. I think I may be slightly above average in my worrying ability. I doubt I could meditate and don't want to try. I will occasionally do fast yoga exercises for the stretches, but I can't stand to take a yoga class or follow a video. The slowness drives me crazy. I am too impatient. I don't think I could do nothing for that long.

 

 

Hey, I appreciate the comments from everyone. It was helpful to reorder my thinking and to know that others have had the same issue. I'm in a better place now. I'm going to delete the opening and hopefully end the thread. 

Edited January 9, 2022 by Spirea

[ktgrok]

19 hours ago, Spirea said:

I'm keeping the jacket. I asked dh if he'd want to return it since I found the tags and he said he likes it and wants me to keep it. I wore it around the house again today and told him I liked it. I do think the scarf was too much money but it did look so nice with the jacket. 

We have never had a typical budget. We have savings and are ok financially, but don't allot a certain amount for groceries, etc. We start to talk about it then don't finish.

I don't think you have to make a budget for everything, but maybe for gift giving holidays you could set a budget for each other - maybe a month ahead of time or whatever works. Would avoid this, and be less stress I think. Doesn't have to be exact to the dollar, but a range would work. 

[Dianthus]

40 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

I don't think you have to make a budget for everything, but maybe for gift giving holidays you could set a budget for each other - maybe a month ahead of time or whatever works. Would avoid this, and be less stress I think. Doesn't have to be exact to the dollar, but a range would work. 

Yes, we have done in the past, and generally less and less over the years, have done stockings only and have done no gifts. Last year, I think was was gifts from kids and stockings. I dont remember remarkable gifts on either side. I guess I assumed about the same this year. Will have to talk about it next year.