Covid anxiety in a family member - tips?

[Melissa Louise]

Oh boy. Our New Year got totally derailed, not by Covid, but by a family member's Covid anxiety and a resulting blow-up. 

Do you have someone in your family who is intensely anxious about giving others Covid, and if so, how do you deal with it productively when it starts wearing you to a frazzle?

I have responded with patience and empathy 99 times, but I'm afraid on the 100th I got angry at the constant Covid rumination, tears, tests. It did not go well. I need better skills at managing being around this person's health anxiety. 

 

 

 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Goodness, Melissa. That sounds hard for everyone involved.

Is it perhaps a general anxiety disorder that is being triggered by our horrid current situation here? 

I have close family members with anxiety disorders, and I generally go with acknowledge (their feelings) and then distract. Reason can't happen when the anxious brain has taken over.

I often need to have pre-prepared distraction topics, otherwise my emotional (and exhausted) automatic response may be less than helpful.

I'm sorry you are all having to deal with this.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

I'll also mention that in some situations for us it helps if I use 'we' instead of 'you'. It can help to ease the person feeling all the weight of the situation or decision. 

[Melissa Louise]

Yes, GA. 

I normally validate, help person reality check etc. I just suddenly and furiously ran out of the ability to be helpful. 

 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

Yes, GA. 

I normally validate, help person reality check etc. I just suddenly and furiously ran out of the ability to be helpful. 

 

I can relate. Not fun. 

[TechWife]

This is hard. It’s a well known fact that we can’t change others. Is it possible to involve therapy of some kind? Not for the anxious person, though that is certainly reasonable, but for you to strengthen your skills relating to the anxious person and to strengthen your ability to not let them get under your skin?

Maybe it’s legit and we all should be anxious, IDK. 

[TexasProud]

sorry. 

 

Edited January 2, 2022 by TexasProud

[TechWife]

11 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Just interesting.  This board doesn’t think I am cautious enough as I got told in the elder care board. Yet my husband would describe me as the OP describes her loved one. He thinks I worry too much and am too cautious. 

So whose standard do we use? 

I am so incredibly tired of all of this. 

 

Thank you, I completely understand where you’re coming from. People are all over the place and we’re all wildly inconsistent. I think maybe this is what happens when a large segment of the population rejects truth - they cause confusion everywhere. 

[freesia]

15 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Just interesting.  This board doesn’t think I am cautious enough as I got told in the elder care board. Yet my husband would describe me as the OP describes her loved one. He thinks I worry too much and am too cautious. 

So whose standard do we use? 

I am so incredibly tired of all of this. 

 

I don’t think there is a board consensus on every situation. There are people who may take more precautions than you, but that’s not saying you aren’t cautious enough. Sure some people may think that, but others will think you are too cautious. That’s just people. And, unfortunately, there are no guarantees about anything we do right now. If you are ruminating all the time about Covid and if it is effecting your relationships, than it is a mental health issue. That is completely separate from how each of us handles risk assessment and protocols. 
@Melissa Louise, I’m sorry. All of us are imperfect. I, too, want to handle mental health issues perfectly, but fail at times. For me, it’s usually because I am upset or anxious about something else-or the same thing-or I am tired. Take some time to calm yourself and apologize. Once, for me, a break like that actually led to a boundary that was very healthy. Person was dumping anxiety on me without thinking and now uses more control. Our relationship is still strong and person is healthier (not bc of my reaction I don’t think.) Ruminating out loud isn’t any healthier than internationally and dumping anxiety constantly on someone isn’t super great either. ((Hugs))

[TexasProud]

8 hours ago, freesia said:

 

Edited January 2, 2022 by TexasProud

[freesia]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, all of mine is internal since hubby cannot handle or doesn't think my anxiety is normal, so I just smile and don't say anything. Or make sure if I say something it is in a calm, controlled manner. But he knows how worried I am and hates it. He wishes I could relax and not worry about it.  It is life. You cannot control people. They will die. So says the scientist. LOL. 

Do you have a therapist? A few years ago I had a situation I was ruminating about. It was every bit as awful and dangerous as I thought it was and as uncontrollable as Covid. I had a therapist who helped me with coping strategies that helped me get control of the ruminating. Somehow I’d convinced myself that if I didn’t stop thinking about the situation it would spin out of control. It was freeing to learn I could stop and I could limit how much headspace I gave it. 

[TexasProud]

8 hours ago, freesia said:

 

sorry

Edited January 2, 2022 by TexasProud

[freesia]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

I have an intake appointment on the 8th with a new person. But honestly, not hopeful.  The two different therapists I went to acknowledged that my situation was hard, but really gave me no coping techniques. They were not helpful. One of them ( who was attached to the psychiatrist's office, NOT attached to a church or anything) said, "Wow, that is complicated. Have you prayed about it?"

Ughh. Um, yes. Sigh. So we will see. I am trying one last time. But I doubt they will help. 

Oh, I’m sorry. I really hope this is the one. Good for you for trying again. Be clear upfront that you want to work on coping skills first might be a tact to try. 

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, TechWife said:

Maybe it’s legit and we all should be anxious, IDK. 

Yep - that is what makes Covid anxiety so tricky.
My friend's therapist said that normally a key in working with anxiety patients is getting them to understand that their anxiety is unwarranted, but that this won't work with Covid because their anxiety is really justified.

@Melissa Louise I hope you can find a way to work with this situation. 

Edited January 2, 2022 by regentrude

[Dmmetler]

29 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Yep - that is what makes Covid anxiety so tricky.
My friend's therapist said that normally a key in working with anxiety patients is getting them to understand that their anxiety is unwarranted, but that this won't work with Covid because their anxiety is really justified.

@Melissa Louise I hope you can find a way to work with this situation. 

That's almost identical to what L's therapist says. It's hard to treat anxiety when it's actually warranted, so the focus needs to be on "this is what I can do to be safe, and I can't change the behavior of others." And on stopping the ruminating and non-productive behaviors in favor of things that are. 

[marbel]

I'm sorry @Melissa Louise I don't have extreme covid anxiety, but I do on other things. When I start spiraling, I stop myself (or someone stops me) and I start thinking about what I can do, and what I can't do, to control the situation. So for covid, I can follow trusted medical advice (in my case the CDC) and take their recommendations. I don't spend loads of time researching (because that feeds the anxiety and adds to confusion) so I limit myself to one or two sources of information. Within my own family, we agreed at the start of the pandemic that if covid got into our house (too small to isolate), there would be no blaming, because in reality any of of the 4 of us has potential contact at times.  

So, I got vaxxed and boosted on time, I wear a mask always when out, I don't touch people or get close to people who are not also vaxxed to the extent they can be. I don't know anyone who is particularly susceptible or at risk, but if I did I would stay away from them. That helps me control my own anxiety.

Of course I don't know if that's helpful to you, just saying what I do. I hope there is something there that might help.

[KungFuPanda]

4 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

Oh boy. Our New Year got totally derailed, not by Covid, but by a family member's Covid anxiety and a resulting blow-up. 

Do you have someone in your family who is intensely anxious about giving others Covid, and if so, how do you deal with it productively when it starts wearing you to a frazzle?

I have responded with patience and empathy 99 times, but I'm afraid on the 100th I got angry at the constant Covid rumination, tears, tests. It did not go well. I need better skills at managing being around this person's health anxiety. 

 

 

 

I think I could BE the unreasonable Covid anxiety person if I lived in a different area of the country. I’m lucky with geography right now. I can only imagine the stress of living where your level of caution doesn’t line up with the people around you . . . and I’m not even a person who really suffers with anxiety. 

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

Anxiety, mine and other's, rules my world sometimes.  The covid concern looms extra huge with the new year specifically.  

It's really hard.

More (hugs)

[BusyMom5]

I dont really know.  I am in the same boat,  with a person who is prone to worrying.  Last week they accidentally dropped a note out of their pocket- I found it after they were gone.  On it was the latest statistics,  underlined worries (ages, outcomes), etc.  This tells me that this person is struggling more than I thought.  I know on Christmas,  this person woke up with a little congestion and wanted to not go.  They called, we said go ahead and get ready,  see if you feel better or worse.  Long story short, within a few minutes of getting up, no more congestion.   They were fine, and were happy they went to Christmas.  Now, its totally normal to wake up with a bit of a stuffy head- you get up, blow your nose snd are fine.  It isn't a cold or any virus- its that you laid flat all night and things just need cleared!  They know this, but the constant news of gloom and doom is taking a huge toll on happiness.   Ive suggested not watching it, but this person keeps all the morning news programs on every day, plus local news at 5 or 6 and 10.  They are vaxed, we are vaxed- we actually aren't around many people!  They are retired,  we homeschool and work from home.  Our risk is already low. What else can we do?  The isolation isn't good- my kids need to be out more, and are going back to co-op next semester.   My person is very worried, but I gently said that they need this- we've exhausted all our other options.  Its been 2 years.  

I also have a college kid.  I know she's going to get it- or at least get exposed.  We vaxed!  I'm sending meds, and I'll send food if she needs it.  Otherwise life must go on.  Her mental health is important- this started just as she learned to drive and its been so hard on teens.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

There are times when I have to walk away from the anxious person.  99 times I will be there for them and walk them through it but on that 100th time when I'm going to blow, I personally think that it's better for me to be absent than to blow up.  Because in my situation my blowing up exacerbates the anxiety.  So I often physically walk out the door and go for a walk or a drive or whatever.  I do worry about how they are doing while I'm gone but in my personal experience the person is able to calm down on their own without me there.  (Obviously YMMV)

[Jean in Newcastle]

And this goes back to the unfortunate truth that we cannot manage other people's mental health or even their lives (especially anyone older than ten).   And it's unfair for them to blame us for not managing things "just right" for them. 

[Amy Gen]

One of my adult daughters struggles with anxiety, and the anxiety in my family has some OCD characteristics, so I know how debilitating the obsessive ruminations can be.  I don’t see a way to reason one’s way out of obsession. My daughter’s COVID anxiety was edging into mania, and her thoughts were so intrusive that she just stopped sleeping. 
 

I reassured her that I completely respected any boundary she wanted to put in place to keep herself safe, but I just wanted her to ask herself, “Is this really what I believe and what I want, or is this my anxiety speaking?” 
 

My experience with my siblings, myself and my other children has been that our anxiety just gets worse and worse without medication, even if we have had decades of talk therapy, exercise every day, avoid caffeine, alcohol and sugar. It just isn’t enough. 
 

This daughter is against medication, which I also respect. She is celiac and once almost died from an allergic reaction to antibiotics. However, when she hit rock bottom, I did talk her into taking two different forms of magnesium, a time released B complex, D3, a good multi vitamin, L-tryptophan and Valarian root to sleep. Within just a few days, her mind slowed down enough that she was able to push through and do the hard things she needed to do to get to where she wanted to be. We share an Amazon account, so I can see that she is reordering her vitamins whenever she gets low. 
 

She even rode the train to visit me at Christmas after practically not leaving her house for 2 years. For me, I think the degree of Covid caution that she had could be reasonable for a different person. I’m not saying she was trying to be “too safe”. But there is a line where it can start working against your best interest rather than for it. When a person KNOWS that their thoughts and actions are making their lives unmanageable but they just can’t stop, that is when they need help. 

[Ting Tang]

Well, my anxiety is sky high right now.  It has been a confusing time to be alive. People have different opinions, experiences that make all arguments convincing to me.  So I struggle with my decision making.   It can be paralyzing.  I am sorry your plans got derailed.  Does the family member feel safer now that it didn't happen?  That is me some of the time. I pray things get canceled or don't happen because at least I won't feel bad about not engaging.  I am sorry. I am not a help, just a little glimpse inside of an anxious person.  It has gotten bad during the pandemic.

 

[Farrar]

I agree with Jean about walking away. But also, if you have to respond 99 times with a lot of patience, that's really hard. I think it's okay to not respond every time. To draw a boundary line around it and say, we're going to talk about the risks and figure out what we're going to do during this time. And then once that time is over, I'm going to do the things we talked about each of us doing and I'm not going to respond until it's time to talk about this again, on such and such a day/time. And then just walk away/pass the bean dip/restate the boundary where you've set aside times to talk and this is not one of them. That's certainly what I did with my anxious kid when he was younger. And it wasn't always effective and sometimes I let myself be sucked into assuring him at random times, but I do feel like that's fair - even for an adult, even for something that we should all be legitimately concerned about.

[Catwoman]

5 hours ago, freesia said:

Oh, I’m sorry. I really hope this is the one. Good for you for trying again. Be clear upfront that you want to work on coping skills first might be a tact to try. 

@TexasProud -- I hope you will take this advice, because I think it would be a great way to get started with a new therapist. Remember, this is about YOU and YOUR NEEDS, so be sure to advocate for yourself and insist on the focus you want for your sessions. 

I hope the new person is helpful -- it's hard to be optimistic when previous attempts have been unsuccessful, but I give you a lot of credit for trying again!

[TexasProud]

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

sorry 

Edited January 2, 2022 by TexasProud

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I don't know what I want though. 

It seems like coping strategies would be a great way to start, because you will need those throughout your life, no matter what situation you're in. 

Anxiety sucks. 😞 

[TexasProud]

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

Edited January 2, 2022 by TexasProud

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

But do I even have anxiety? When I talked things through with my last therapists, they feel like I have very, very good coping mechanisms. The problem is what I want is not to have to use them. I want things to be safe and stable, which isn't possible. 

But that's the anxiety right there. 

You seem to worry about a lot of things, and you also seem to feel very helpless to control those worries. You also get very upset if you feel like you are being criticized, and you hate it if you see people being unpleasant to each other -- sometimes to the point of having to walk away from the forum for a while. 

Please don't think I'm saying this because I'm trying to be mean -- I'm just pointing these things out because I think they are evidence of your anxiety and your desire to control the uncontrollable, and I think that's why you might want to try to find some new coping mechanisms.

I hate to see you feeling helpless and hopeless!!! 

Sending hugs!

[freesia]

5 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But do I even have anxiety? When I talked things through with my last therapists, they feel like I have very, very good coping mechanisms. The problem is what I want is not to have to use them. I want things to be safe and stable, which isn't possible. 

Maybe they can help you deal with that tension. For instance, when things weren’t feeling safe and stable here, my therapist would redirect me to also consider what was working well. Sometimes that feeling is about what one chooses to focus on. It’s possible they’d help you learn to be ok when not in a safe and stable environment. 

[freesia]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

But that's the anxiety right there. 

You seem to worry about a lot of things, and you also seem to feel very helpless to control those worries. You also get very upset if you feel like you are being criticized, and you hate it if you see people being unpleasant to each other -- sometimes to the point of having to walk away from the forum for a while. 

Please don't think I'm saying this because I'm trying to be mean -- I'm just pointing these things out because I think they are evidence of your anxiety and your desire to control the uncontrollable, and I think that's why you might want to try to find some new coping mechanisms.

I hate to see you feeling helpless and hopeless!!! 

Sending hugs!

Yes, this. I see a lot of anxiety in your words and posts. I say that as one who struggles with anxiety within an extended family who also struggle with anxiety. 

[TexasProud]

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

sory

Edited January 2, 2022 by TexasProud

[Catwoman]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Not mean. Yes, I leave the room IRL if people are not nice. Don't know that is bad. But yes, I then:

Take a walk.

Listen to uplifting music.

Do breath prayers. 

Pray

Whatever. But these do not CHANGE things.  So it is useless. 

I can see how that would be frustrating for you.

One thing you might want to discuss with the therapist is that you seem to blame yourself for a lot of things. Even in this post, you said "don't know if this is bad."  There isn't any right or wrong to what you do. You are awfully hard on yourself!

There are certain therapies that involve trying to sort of re-set your inner voice, rather than simply looking for ways to distract yourself. I know how you feel about that -- distractions don't work well for me, either!

Have you ever heard of cognitive behavior therapy? If you look up CBT, you should be able to find a lot of information about it.

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Not mean. Yes, I leave the room IRL if people are not nice. Don't know that is bad. But yes, I then:
Take a walk.
Listen to uplifting music.
Do breath prayers. 
Pray
Whatever. But these do not CHANGE things.  So it is useless. 

No, not useless. Some things, one cannot change. But one can change one's own reaction to them. Not easy at all, I know.
Remember the serenity prayer.

[freesia]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Not mean. Yes, I leave the room IRL if people are not nice. Don't know that is bad. But yes, I then:

Take a walk.

Listen to uplifting music.

Do breath prayers. 

Pray

Whatever. But these do not CHANGE things.  So it is useless. 

The goal is not changing the circumstance, it’s getting to a point where you can bring your emotions under control and be ok. You may still react, but can find calm again. Think of it like how a type one diabetic takes insulin calibrated to how many carbs they eat. Their blood sugar rises, but the insulin brings it back down again. it isn’t useless if you can feel ok and not hopeless. ( Another thing I see in your posts is black and white thinking and catastrophizing.Those are things the therapist can help with.)
 

[freesia]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I can see how that would be frustrating for you.

One thing you might want to discuss with the therapist is that you seem to blame yourself for a lot of things. Even in this post, you said "don't know if this is bad."  There isn't any right or wrong to what you do. You are awfully hard on yourself!

There are certain therapies that involve trying to sort of re-set your inner voice, rather than simply looking for ways to distract yourself. I know how you feel about that -- distractions don't work well for me, either!

Have you ever heard of cognitive behavior therapy? If you look up CBT, you should be able to find a lot of information about it.

Yes, CBT is made for your situation. 

[TexasProud]

sorry

Edited January 2, 2022 by TexasProud

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

But here is the deal. I do not know how to explain this, but I will try. I generally only have this problem when I am alone with too much time to think. When I am with people, I adjust to them and am much happier. I can say whatever the person needs/wants to hear.  I will get the therapist laughing, even talking about their own struggles. I am quite good at it and not doing it on purpose. Just what happens. Happens with anyone who oversees me: principal, internship supervisor, etc. 

and a GOOD therapist should see through that. It's not like your behavior is unusual. It's easy to distract oneself from negative thoughts by using people as one's coping mechanism. Just shouldn't be the only tool in the tool box, because then you will always be dependent on some other person's availability.

[Drama Llama]

I have anxiety, and I have very good reasons to want to be cautious about covid.  I also have two kids who have good reasons to want to be cautious about covid, one of whom has an anxiety related diagnosis. 

For me, I think that distinguishing between anxious behavior, and cautious behavior is important.  To me, if I am honestly analyzing information that is helpful for a decision I am making now, or that will be helpful as I make decisions in the future, that's caution.  If I'm making decisions that are more restrictive than other people make, either because my values are different, or because my situation is different, or my interpretation of the data is different, that's caution.  People talk about those behaviors as anxious, but they aren't.  I've been told "I can't believe you're so anxious you have your kids wear masks outside" or "I can't believe you're so anxious you're still avoiding stores". But those things aren't anxiety, they're caution, because they are actually reducing a real risk. 

But there's also a point, where whatever decision has been made, and I'm still spiraling.  For example, before omicron, I needed to make decisions about basketball.  I looked at a bunch of data (league policies, school policies) and anecdata (what other sport choices do they have, how have they done emotionally with or without enough exercise), and I decided that I'd let them play, and I'd go and cheer.  The first game I went to, I kept distracting myself with my phone because it was really hard for me to watch my kid out there close to all those other kids breathing heavily.  So, I didn't watch, I didn't see his first basket.  I didn't enjoy myself.  That was anxiety.  Not watching my child play didn't increase his safety a bit.  Not enjoying myself didn't either.  It wasn't productive. 

In our family, we've recently made some decisions about how to respond to omicron.  Some of the decisions were difficult, in part because we've recognized that we need to accept more risk than we did in the past.  When I talked to my kids they responded really differently.  My kid with the anxiety disorder got teary.  He asked me lots of questions about how I knew this plan was safe (I made it clear that I wasn't asking for input on the decision, it was a parental decision, and I was letting them know).  He asked me a bunch of "what if" questions.  Then he asked me to stay in his room until he fell asleep and rub his back so he'd feel better.  I would consider those very natural responses.  But they're also anxious responses.  His million questions didn't lead to anyone being safer, they didn't change anything.  His feeling safe if I'm rubbing his back is straight up superstition.  There is no way that a back rub from mom prevents covid.  (Note: I'm not heartless, the back was rubbed!)

My youngest, on the other hand, can be very very cautious, and cautious in creative, gutsy and self sacrificing ways.     He asked me a few questions to make sure he understood the situation, and then switched to problem solving, and then when he was satisfied that he had a plan for caution with the pieces that were in his control, he went to sleep.  He's not less cautious than his brother, he just doesn't let anxiety bleed over.  

I'll also say that while caution is a continuum with people being more or less cautious, there is significant anxiety in people all the way across the caution continuum.  For example, I have seen people who are very triggered when they see someone driving alone with a mask on.  They clearly find someone making a different choice from them anxiety provoking, and even when the decision is explained to them (at least in my area, often this is Uber drivers who are required to have a mask on when they stop to pick someone up). Their railing is anxiety.  When people have a fit about being asked to gather outside, or to take a rapid test, that's anxiety to IMO. 

[katilac]

5 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But here is the deal. I do not know how to explain this, but I will try. I generally only have this problem when I am alone with too much time to think. When I am with people, I adjust to them and am much happier. I can say whatever the person needs/wants to hear.  I will get the therapist laughing, even talking about their own struggles. I am quite good at it and not doing it on purpose. Just what happens. Happens with anyone who oversees me: principal, internship supervisor, etc. 

Then this should be the very first thing you tell your therapist. If you don't think you can pull it off in the moment, write it down like you have here and hand it to them, "This is something you should know that will affect my therapy." 

When you posted this, I was literally already starting a response to you emphasizing the importance of being vulnerable in therapy. "Just a flesh wound!" isn't good for progress. 

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

 

Edited January 2, 2022 by TexasProud

[Drama Llama]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but even when I was honest with my internship supervisor in writing and she talked about therapy, when we met in person I charmed her and she thought I was doing just fine. Because literally, it doesn't FEEL the way it does in the middle of the night or when I have spent days interacting with just myself.  It FEELS really good and I cannot remember how it didn't. Besides I KNOW the right answers to say.  Anyway, we will see. Most of the therapists are 30 years younger or more than I am, so not thinking it will be helpful, but we will see. I was getting paralyzed by all the choices, so I just did the one that was free and easiest to schedule.  I need to make sure though, whatever I do, my husband doesn't find out. That is the most important thing. He will worry. Part of the reason I am waiting until he is overseas. 

I am entirely different people during the day time and at night when my anxieties spin. 

Why would it be bad if your husband worried?  This is an illness.  Would you want your mom to hide her illness from you, just so you don't worry?

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Baseballandhockey said:

sorry 

Edited January 2, 2022 by TexasProud

[regentrude]

11 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but even when I was honest with my internship supervisor in writing and she talked about therapy, when we met in person I charmed her and she thought I was doing just fine. Because literally, it doesn't FEEL the way it does in the middle of the night or when I have spent days interacting with just myself.  It FEELS really good and I cannot remember how it didn't. Besides I KNOW the right answers to say.  Anyway, we will see. Most of the therapists are 30 years younger or more than I am, so not thinking it will be helpful, but we will see. I was getting paralyzed by all the choices, so I just did the one that was free and easiest to schedule.  I need to make sure though, whatever I do, my husband doesn't find out. That is the most important thing. He will worry. Part of the reason I am waiting until he is overseas. 

A few thoughts: was your internship supervisor a trained mental health professional? Otherwise she has no business assessing whether you are "doing just fine".

It is normal for a husband to worry when his wife has mental health problems. I would expect that to be the case in any functioning relationship. The fact that you feel the need to hide that you attempt getting help because you are afraid he finds out would be the first thing to bring up with your therapist.

ETA: just saw your reply above. You are assuming responsibility for his actions. He is a grown-ass man who can decide for himself where his priorities lie.

Edited January 2, 2022 by regentrude

[Drama Llama]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

He would not go, and he NEEDS to go. He already delayed his trip 3 times for me this past fall because of my mom. He NEEDS to keep up his surgical skills. ( And long story, yes this is the only way to do it right now.) So he is going. Period. I will not stop him again. I won't. 

Will you tell him when he gets back?  

 

[katilac]

13 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

 He's not less cautious than his brother, he just doesn't let anxiety bleed over.  

I would tweak this to say: He's not less cautious than his brother, it's just that his anxiety doesn't bleed over.  

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but even when I was honest with my internship supervisor in writing and she talked about therapy, when we met in person I charmed her and she thought I was doing just fine. Because literally, it doesn't FEEL the way it does in the middle of the night or when I have spent days interacting with just myself.  It FEELS really good and I cannot remember how it didn't. Besides I KNOW the right answers to say.  Anyway, we will see. Most of the therapists are 30 years younger or more than I am, so not thinking it will be helpful, but we will see. I was getting paralyzed by all the choices, so I just did the one that was free and easiest to schedule.  I need to make sure though, whatever I do, my husband doesn't find out. That is the most important thing. He will worry. Part of the reason I am waiting until he is overseas. 

Because literally, it doesn't FEEL the way it does in the middle of the night or when I have spent days interacting with just myself. Then it's going to be crucial for you to keep a diary of some sort. It can be written, audio, or video. 

Besides I KNOW the right answers to say. You don't know the right answers to say, because the right answers in therapy are the honest ones. You are viewing therapy as a test to pass, and you want to be the A+ student who gets told they don't need therapy. That's obviously going to be completely counter-productive to results. 

You need to add this to your notes for the therapist, that your #1 problem is not anxiety or stress or whatever you've been listing; your #1 problem is resistance to therapy, and resistance to being honest and vulnerable in therapy (this is not criticism toward you; these things are hard! and it's common to avoid them). 

If you absolutely cannot turn off the "It's fine, I'm fine, everything is fine!" and the urge to charm your therapist, then it's definitely possible that you would do better with distance therapy that relies heavily on written messages in between video visits. You write and send the message in the middle of the night, when you are alone and feeling your feelings, rather than having to conjure up and present those feelings in a visit several days letter. It seems tailor-made for you.

[TexasProud]

Just now, Baseballandhockey said:

Will you tell him when he gets back?  

 

Only if I am better. But I am going to have to figure out how to pay for it, though.  Which is why I chose this option, it is free at my school.  I solve my problems first before I tell anyone. My goal is to help others, not for others to have to help me. 

[Catwoman]

10 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

He would not go, and he NEEDS to go. He already delayed his trip 3 times for me this past fall because of my mom. He NEEDS to keep up his surgical skills. ( And long story, yes this is the only way to do it right now.) So he is going. Period. I will not stop him again. I won't. 

Does he have anxiety issues, as well?

 

[Drama Llama]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Only if I am better. But I am going to have to figure out how to pay for it, though.  Which is why I chose this option, it is free at my school.  I solve my problems first before I tell anyone. My goal is to help others, not for others to have to help me. 

Oh, I've tried that route.  It doesn't work. 

It is very hard for me to admit to the people who love me that I need help.  But if I turn down their help, and spiral?  I'm no use to anyone. 

[prairiewindmomma]

10 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

Oh boy. Our New Year got totally derailed, not by Covid, but by a family member's Covid anxiety and a resulting blow-up. 

Do you have someone in your family who is intensely anxious about giving others Covid, and if so, how do you deal with it productively when it starts wearing you to a frazzle?

I have responded with patience and empathy 99 times, but I'm afraid on the 100th I got angry at the constant Covid rumination, tears, tests. It did not go well. I need better skills at managing being around this person's health anxiety. 

 

 

 

Are you in a position where you can talk about the mental health aspects of this? In our house we talk about brain glitches and death spirals and actively work on stopping the rumination together. Their fear is valid. Reassurance isn’t necessarily helpful for them. Working on dealing with the unpleasantness of anxiety is where I meet them. 
 

It’s also ok to say you need a break too. There are times when I tap out to go light a candle, put on my noise canceling headphones, and read a book. I can’t help them co-regulate if I am not regulated myself.