School choices for my musician

[Drama Llama]

In the next couple months we need to make a high school decision for my 8th grader.  He's a good musician, playing trombone and bass, and enjoying singing and musical theater.  He also loves children, and his hope is for a career that combines music and children, such as music teacher, music therapist, or church music director.  

Right now he's in a private school that goes through 12th grade.  The school is great, and he's learning a lot, but also working hard to keep up, due to some LD's.   Add in a commute, and a longer school day in high school, and there isn't much time for extracurricular music.  He could take a music class at school, but just one a semester, so he'd need to choose between instruments or choir.  

Another option is our local public school, which happens to have a specialized program in the performing arts.  There he could take multiple classes each semester, and participate in great musical theater and/or marching band after school.  Plus, he'd have more time for stuff after school due to a shorter day, shorter commute, and less homework, which would open up time for private lessons, or outside theater.   However academically, it's far weaker. Class sizes are huge, there's not a lot of individual attention.

Any thoughts on balancing these two things?

And yes, there are lots of other factors, like covid, and whether he wants to be with his little brother, and tuition, and religion.  But let's pretend those don't exist.  

[Farrar]

Here's what I find a lot of parents of kids with LD's have to balance when choosing between private and public schools. And this is a gross generalization, but I've seen this choice so many times.

The private schools typically have more staff, stronger community, and smaller more nurturing classes. BUT they have dramatically less experience and patience for learning disabilities.

The public schools typically have weaker communities, weaker academic support, larger classes, and lots of bureaucracy. BUT they have tons more experience with learning differences, are legally required to accommodate for learning disabilities, and often have a wider array of programs and options.

I'd do the public school. It sounds like a better fit. That said, you've had lots of family turmoil, so if the community wins out, I could get that. But I've actually seen private schools fare worse in situations like that... I'm thinking of a friend who left her kid in private school because of a major death in the family, because she felt they would be better. Kid had a very minor learning issue. School just... was horrible to kid about it over time. By the time they finally landed in public school, the mom was like, how did we not do this sooner!?

[EKS]

I vote for the public school.  Especially for kids with LDs, it is incredibly important to nurture their interests in a way that ensures that they have the time and energy to pursue them.  It sounds like the public school wins out in that regard.

Also everything that Farrar said!

Edited December 31, 2021 by EKS

[Ceilingfan]

I'd lean toward the public, but I haven't had a kid in private (or in a very small high school) and my personal experience was in a large public with a very good music program that I loved, so there's my bias.

Being part of a large band, or choir, or a big well-run musical theater program, is a powerful experience. It's nothing like being in a 20-person band at a small school that isn't serious about music. It was the best thing about high school for me, and I was serious about academics - I was a NM scholar, etc. - but band and orchestra were what I cared about, and I felt that the school took them seriously and that made me take them (and myself) seriously.

[Drama Llama]

6 minutes ago, Farrar said:

Here's what I find a lot of parents of kids with LD's have to balance when choosing between private and public schools. And this is a gross generalization, but I've seen this choice so many times.

The private schools typically have more staff, stronger community, and smaller more nurturing classes. BUT they have dramatically less experience and patience for learning disabilities.

The public schools typically have weaker communities, weaker academic support, larger classes, and lots of bureaucracy. BUT they have tons more experience with learning differences, are legally required to accommodate for learning disabilities, and often have a wider array of programs and options.

I'd do the public school. It sounds like a better fit. That said, you've had lots of family turmoil, so if the community wins out, I could get that. But I've actually seen private schools fare worse in situations like that... I'm thinking of a friend who left her kid in private school because of a major death in the family, because she felt they would be better. Kid had a very minor learning issue. School just... was horrible to kid about it over time. By the time they finally landed in public school, the mom was like, how did we not do this sooner!?

The school seems to have a lot of patience and empathy for him.  He's in the gap that I feel like public school doesn't serve well academically.  He won't meet their criteria for an IEP.  If it weren't for the music, I think it would be an easy decision to leave him. 

But the extra time is really tempting him. 

[MooCow]

Public. We got our homeschooled child diagnosed privately and then his doctor helped with the transition to public school. We got a 504 quite "quickly" considering. Child's doctor also came to that meeting. 

 

[Ceilingfan]

One thing I sort of took for granted as a high schooler but didn't realize was such a big deal until mine were in high school is start times. High schools start ridiculously early, and it seems like even 30 minutes more sleep in the morning would be a huge improvement in my older kids' mental health. It's not just total sleep - they have a really hard time going to bed at 9 in order to wake up at 6, and it would be so much better if they could do 10-7 or (gloriously) 11-8. If he gets more sleep in one school schedule or another I'd consider it, even if it's not a big deal to him yet.

[MooCow]

Would he meet the criteria for a 504? 

[Drama Llama]

12 minutes ago, MooCow said:

Would he meet the criteria for a 504? 

Yes, but there aren't any accommodations he would get with a 504 he doesn't currently get. 

 

[Drama Llama]

16 minutes ago, Ceilingfan said:

One thing I sort of took for granted as a high schooler but didn't realize was such a big deal until mine were in high school is start times. High schools start ridiculously early, and it seems like even 30 minutes more sleep in the morning would be a huge improvement in my older kids' mental health. It's not just total sleep - they have a really hard time going to bed at 9 in order to wake up at 6, and it would be so much better if they could do 10-7 or (gloriously) 11-8. If he gets more sleep in one school schedule or another I'd consider it, even if it's not a big deal to him yet.

So, the private starts later, but the commute cancels it out.  He'd leave at the same time either way.  

[Drama Llama]

1 minute ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Yes, but there aren't any accommodations he would get with a 504 he doesn't currently get. 

 

We were going to send him to pubic this year, but got worried about covid.  His current school has great precautions.  So, we wrote a 504.  We basically took that document to the private and they are implementing everything on it.  

[MooCow]

Ok, just an FYI, my child is about to graduate highschool and his follows him to college. 

Eta: yay! I'm glad they did that!

Edited December 31, 2021 by MooCow

[Drama Llama]

I really have no complaint about the private, other than it’s not right next to my house and it’s a long day. It’s really about the music.  

 

[Dianthus]

Does the public school have a good music program? The public schools in our area do not.

I would stay at the private school. If you can afford it, it's generally a better path to college. Really, there are no extracurriculars that you could fit in? Could you add in private lessons?

He can take 1 music class per semester at the private school. How many music classes would you want him to take each semester at the public school? How would he fit his high school credits in around 2-3 music classes?

I would stay put. He is already invested in the community, his brother would be there, and isn't this the catholic school that's so important to your dh? If your son wants to do more music and you can't swing anything extracurricular, buy him a theory book or have him watch YouTube tutorials, or learn to make Acapella maker videos. Or just add an extra hour of his own practice time.

[Drama Llama]

4 minutes ago, Spirea said:

Does the public school have a good music program? The public schools in our area do not.

I would stay at the private school. If you can afford it, it's generally a better path to college. Really, there are no extracurriculars that you could fit in? Could you add in private lessons?

He can take 1 music class per semester at the private school. How many music classes would you want him to take each semester at the public school? How would he fit his high school credits in around 2-3 music classes?

I would stay put. He is already invested in the community, his brother would be there, and isn't this the catholic school that's so important to your dh? If your son wants to do more music and you can't swing anything extracurricular, buy him a theory book or have him watch YouTube tutorials, or learn to make Acapella maker videos. Or just add an extra hour of his own practice time.

Neither of the schools I mentioned here are Catholic. That is a whole other issue to sort out.   

At the public school he could probably take instrumental and choir each semester and dance as his PE.  Plus he’d be home at 3:00 with minimal homework vs 6:00 with substantial homework, or be could spend 3-6 at school doing a musical or marching band.  

[Dianthus]

16 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Neither of the schools I mentioned here are Catholic. That is a whole other issue to sort out.   

At the public school he could probably take instrumental and choir each semester and dance as his PE.  Plus he’d be home at 3:00 with minimal homework vs 6:00 with substantial homework, or be could spend 3-6 at school doing a musical or marching band.  

How does the catholic HS compare? 

I'm sorry you're dealing with these complicated decisions on your own.

[Drama Llama]

Just now, Spirea said:

How does the catholic HS compare? 

I'm sorry you're dealing with these complicated decisions on your own.

We live in an area with a lot of Catholic high schools, and don’t know where he will her in, but the Catholic/not Catholic thing is complicated.  I think all of us (DS, me, his dad) need to figure out what we want the most and then come together and I know for me it would be one of these two options. 

[Ceilingfan]

I think that on the whole the public school probably builds in more margin than the private, from what you've said. coming home at 6 with substantial homework is not a lot of margin. It gives him the option of choir plus band (and I assume plus extra-curriculars like marching band or the school musical); it doesn't mean he has to take them. How terrible a school is it academically? 

I know he's endured a fair amount of trauma in the past few years and things aren't completely settled. My oldest signed up for a lot of things that significantly reduced her margin - 2 year IB classes that are hard to drop, etc. When she finally started processing the trauma, it turned out she needed a lot of that margin back. If she got home at 6 and had homework I don't think she'd have made it through this semester - it was only by dropping everything extra and dialing back on expecting perfect grades that she managed to get through. I'd be inclined to leave him the margin if it's possible - sign up for marching band and etc., but in a situation where he can cut back later if he has to without having to change schools.

[Tap]

Where will the brother attend school?

I made the same decision for dd23. She was homeschooled, then moved to a secular private for 6th and 7th, then to a religious private for 8 and start of 9th. I moved her to a public school, the second half of 9th. I can tell you her story and maybe it will help you. We considered moving her to public at the start of 9th, but I asked her to try the highschool program before she made her final decision. 

 

For dd, it was the social network that she needed. She has always been in the 'popular crowd' where ever she has gone. She was a solid student, selected to be in the honors program in private school, but she is also ADHD and dyslexic. She is smart, but school takes her a lot more work than other students. The academics in private were better, and the sports where a slightly higher caliber (due to so many of the kids playing on private teams). The coaches, were also coaches on private teams, so they expected more from the students but were fair to kids who were weren't great athletes as well. They were great coaches! The teachers had more time and the students were all known by name, by every staff member. The staff knew the students well and they knew that dd tried really hard to keep up, and they were respectful of that. When I notified the school that we were changing schools, teachers called me personally to find out if there was anything they could do to keep her there. They really, really cared, honestly liked her and it showed. She didn't need a formal accomodation at private school, just a document to show her diagnosis. The teachers worked with her and just came up with what she needed. She still did all the same work as everyone else, just certain parts weren't graded. (ie she took typing, but her speed wasn't graded. She wasn't marked down for missspelled words, but had to correct them and resubmit etc) Even though she was friends with just about everybody, she never really found a BFF there. We are not rich, I just sacraficed to pay for her schooling. The financial difference between her and her friends wasn't noticeable on the outside, but she knew we didn't take 3+ vacations a year, and we didn't have a million dollar house like most of her friends. 

Public school meant a formal 504. She quickly moved into the school and didn't really miss a beat. She decided to step out of the honors track and just did regular classes. That gave her more time, and she felt less pressure. She felt more at home in regular classes because she was often at the top of her class with less effort that she needed in private school. LOL She was still on an advanced path due to the classes she started in private school (she was in biology/geometry instead of life science/algebra)  She was able to choose from more electives and quickly found more friends 'like her'. Sports were ok, and there were more choices. She chose the same sports as private school, but the coaches weren't as good. There were more art classes, which she liked 🙂 but the teachers were spread pretty thin. One thing about the arts....they kids who like preforming arts were much happier in the public school, because they had so many other 'drama kids' to bond with.  The 9th english teacher was overworked and terrible (mid-year she still didn't have a single assignment graded and returned to her students). I had to go to the counselor to request a meeting with him, the teacher and us, to get even the most generic feedback. I quickly learned that I had to teach her to be more proactive about fighting for herself. It is a good skill to have, but hard for a 14-17yo to master. Her grades a tiny bit that first year and strengthened the next year and thereafter. I think that public school puts a bit more accountablity on the student, because there is much less communication going home to parents. This is good, when it works...but for when it doesn't, it really sucks. 

Her husband did the same thing, moving from private to public in 9th grade. They were in different private schools, but ended up at the same public school. They both agree....hands down, the academics were better at the private school. But they both agree that they felt more at home, in the public school. They liked the larger group of teens to find friends with, and they liked the options with electives and academics. One struggle with private schools, is that the students all knew everything about eachother. There wasn't a chance to change friend groups as they grew up.  They would like to use homeschool/private school for the younger grades and let thier children attend public school in highschool. Her husband is highly gifted and won numerous academic awards in school. So it wasn't just due to her LDs that led to this conclusion. 

DS27 was in a magnet program inside a large highschool in 10th grade. He was academically advanced but has ADD. The massive distractions in public school was very distracting to him. He really disliked the 'teaching to the lower end of the class' in the highschool and felt the instructors weren't as high quality as he had before. For example, his Spanish teacher had a Brittish accent. A lot of the overworked teachers relied heavily on students working as a group and teaching eachother. He hated public school and switched to the community college in 11th grade. He thrived in the college program and never looked back. 

I can say what I would do in your place, but one thing to remember, is that no decision is permanent. If he doesn't do well, I would hope that the private school would happily take him back the next year. The public school, will always be there!

[Drama Llama]

His brother will probably stay put.  If we moved them, they wouldn’t be together, because all of the schools we are looking at for oldest are 9-12, other than their current school. 

And that’s a factor, because he’s got separation issues, and Catholicism is a factor, and Covid and tuition . . .

I just want to pull out this one, which is basically which serves him better, more time and skill development on academics or on music.  

[Frances]

2 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

His brother will probably stay put.  If we moved them, they wouldn’t be together, because all of the schools we are looking at for oldest are 9-12, other than their current school. 

And that’s a factor, because he’s got separation issues, and Catholicism is a factor, and Covid and tuition . . .

I just want to pull out this one, which is basically which serves him better, more time and skill development on academics or on music.  

Given his career aspirations, I’d go with the public school. As someone else noted, being part of a strong music program can be an amazing and even life changing experience. As someone who went to a small, mediocre public school in the very rural Midwest, based on my experience and that of many of my classmates and college friends, he will be prepared just fine academically for college because he has involved parents. It sounds like the private would be much more pressure and academic work and result in him having far less time to pursue his passion for music.

[Carrie12345]

4 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

 Plus he’d be home at 3:00 with minimal homework vs 6:00 with substantial homework, or be could spend 3-6 at school doing a musical or marching band.  

I have no personal experience weighing the pros and cons of school choices, unless you count the split seconds I took 2 times to rule out the charter an hour away. (Or, yk, the whole home vs. school thing, lol.) There just aren’t options here.

That said, I don’t know what pro I could find to out weigh the con of getting home at 6 and then having a lot of homework. I just can’t fathom that. I wasn’t even happy when my oldest was getting home at 4:30.

As far as music goes, I’d weight the therapeutic value of that passion pretty high, with future aspirations being more of a side note. My own music kid didn’t actually do much music through the schools when he was enrolled K-4 or 8-10. He didn’t even have fancy lessons, just some weekly sessions through the local mom and pop music shop that used to be here, and a lot of passion.  After 10th grade, he did start a music major in community college. Then he took a great big detour for years. (Playing and composing all the while.) And yet, he still got accepted to a highly ranked school of music and begins classes in the New Year.

I do value lifestyle and mental health over academics, so that’s what would guide me if I were making these choices. And I think time for the things that bring us joy would win over anything the private school option could give *my child.

[Terabith]

I vote for more time on music, which he loves.  I’m a big believer in margin, too.  I would do public.  

[kristin0713]

I’d focus on the music opportunities and choose public school. Academics aren’t everything, especially for a kid with LDs. Maximize opportunities for him to grow in his strengths and make friends with similar interests. This sets him up to thrive as opposed to just get by. 

[Clemsondana]

 I don't have any input about the learning issues, but I will say that in many places being involved in music at a school gives you a community and friend group for your high school years.  I was a band kid, and the only people that I am still in touch with from high school are a handful of other band kids that I hung out with.  Band activities took a lot of my time and meant that I spent hours with the other kids every week.  I know that you have a lot of factors to consider, but since you've talked about stability and community I thought I'd toss in the idea that being part of the band kids, choir kids, and theater kids would likely be a strong social group.  

[East Coast Sue]

10 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

He's in the gap that I feel like public school doesn't serve well academically.  He won't meet their criteria for an IEP.

Are you sure? The school might not want to provide an IEP but certain situations are mandated for an IEP even when the impairment isn’t rising to a high level. Here, we have IEP’s under OHI (other health impairment) for kids with anxiety and other types of issues. It’s a broad category snd if you’ve got testing/evaluation paperwork it is generally sufficient. It’s just that most parents don’t know that it is sufficient and the school won’t tell you. I’m an educator myself with a masters degree, and I didn’t know but had to figure it out for one of my kids. Feel free to PM if you go this route. 

[AmandaVT]

9 minutes ago, East Coast Sue said:

Are you sure? The school might not want to provide an IEP but certain situations are mandated for an IEP even when the impairment isn’t rising to a high level. Here, we have IEP’s under OHI (other health impairment) for kids with anxiety and other types of issues. It’s a broad category snd if you’ve got testing/evaluation paperwork it is generally sufficient. It’s just that most parents don’t know that it is sufficient and the school won’t tell you. I’m an educator myself with a masters degree, and I didn’t know but had to figure it out for one of my kids. Feel free to PM if you go this route. 

Yep - I agree with this. I'm a special educator and would bet you can get him qualified under OHI, if not for a Specific Learning Disability. Also, look into Tier 2 or targeted supports that the school may offer. They're for kids that may not immediately quality for an IEP but need additional instruction to solidify concepts. Then, if he's still struggling, he may qualify for an IEP based on not responding to the targeted instruction as expected. Then he'd be able to receive more specialized instruction. 

I'm thinking public could be a good fit - that's a lot of extra time in his day for pursuing music and other things he loves. That's almost 20% of his waking hours freed up! 

[catz]

I would not be enthusiastic about the hours the private school requires.  I would also weigh carefully cost if your kids are college bound unless you have a situation where your children have a trust set up or something.  It was actually helpful when my kids were this age to sit down with a financial advisor and run some school's calculators and make sure we were planning for retirement as well. 

My kids chose to homeschool and then dual enroll high school specifically so they could do more performing arts, we toured and considered a number of high school options.  My oldest is a college double major, one of his majors is music.  I have ZERO regrets about allowing him to go crazy with music and theater in high school.  Both my kids have had such great peer groups through these activities.  I also think what a lot of private schools label rigor is really more output.  If your child wants/needs more rigor, there are likely PS options available.  Lots of kids here dual enroll part time their last 2 years if they want to and are ready and still are 2 feet in public school activities.   Kids here launch from not well regarded urban publics successfully to all sorts of competitive college situations.  The most important ingredient is an involved parent and your sons are so blessed to have you.  My oldest was a had stats/test scores to apply anywhere kid.  He has been a dean's list student most semesters at college at a top 15 public university.  And plenty of people here would have labelled his high schooling less than rigorous and I'm often the person arguing a kid doesn't need to sit at a table for 8 hours a day with a traditional curriculum to have a rigorous education and be very college ready.  He did have around 30 dual enrollment credits.

All that said, with what your boys have been through in recent history, I would weigh want your son wants to do VERY heavily into the decision.  If you are leaning toward the public, but he is leaning toward private, I would take the time to have him tour and lay out the days side by side to make sure he has all the information because it's very easy for kids this age to be black and white or have tunnel vision when they are comfortable in a situation.  But it may be right now that his comfort and security is the most important consideration.

I also agree with whoever said nothing is permanent.  Every year we homeschooled, I took a deep breath and told myself if this doesn't work, we'll do something else.  

Edited December 31, 2021 by FuzzyCatz

[kbutton]

6 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

My own music kid didn’t actually do much music through the schools when he was enrolled K-4 or 8-10. He didn’t even have fancy lessons, just some weekly sessions through the local mom and pop music shop that used to be here, and a lot of passion.  After 10th grade, he did start a music major in community college. Then he took a great big detour for years. (Playing and composing all the while.) And yet, he still got accepted to a highly ranked school of music and begins classes in the New Year.

@Carrie12345, would you be willing to PM about this? I have a musical child that is considering music therapy (has the personal qualities for it), but dental issues delayed his starting a group instrument. Then Covid took away our band option (no precautions). We could use some inspiration for various routes to his goal. Thanks!

[Longtime Lurker]

A school with a strong music program can be a huge blessing for a musically inclined child. I have been amazed at the opportunities my DD had in our district's phenomenal orchestra program. The band and theatre programs are of similar quality. A smaller school simply cannot compete in this area.

[Hilltopmom]

2 minutes ago, kbutton said:

@Carrie12345, would you be willing to PM about this? I have a musical child that is considering music therapy (has the personal qualities for it), but dental issues delayed his starting a group instrument. Then Covid took away our band option (no precautions). We could use some inspiration for various routes to his goal. Thanks!

I’m just going to chime in on this. Most of my music therapy friends were unable to find work and now work in other fields- mostly special Ed. In my area, music therapy exists- we have one music therapist who works for a private sped agency & provides services across a huge (several hours wide) area. Spends most of her time driving (& the drive time is not paid).
Most school districts do not approve music therapy for students and will not pay for it. Nursing homes are another option but it’s usually informal- like a lady just comes and plays music once a week, not a music therapist. 

Music therapy can be amazing (I’ve seen t work well for non verbal kids and used it myself, untrained, with non verbal preschoolers in my sessions) and if a therapist lives in a city that has say, private schools for autism, they may find a job. But it’s tough to find work.

[Drama Llama]

1 hour ago, AmandaVT said:

Yep - I agree with this. I'm a special educator and would bet you can get him qualified under OHI, if not for a Specific Learning Disability. Also, look into Tier 2 or targeted supports that the school may offer. They're for kids that may not immediately quality for an IEP but need additional instruction to solidify concepts. Then, if he's still struggling, he may qualify for an IEP based on not responding to the targeted instruction as expected. Then he'd be able to receive more specialized instruction. 

I'm thinking public could be a good fit - that's a lot of extra time in his day for pursuing music and other things he loves. That's almost 20% of his waking hours freed up! 

I'm a special educator too.  I am sure.  

He's not struggling at school.  He keeps up where he is now, which is pretty rigorous.  It's just with a lower workload, I think he'd have more time for other things.  

[kbutton]

14 minutes ago, Hilltopmom said:

I’m just going to chime in on this. Most of my music therapy friends were unable to find work and now work in other fields- mostly special Ed. In my area, music therapy exists- we have one music therapist who works for a private sped agency & provides services across a huge (several hours wide) area. Spends most of her time driving (& the drive time is not paid).
Most school districts do not approve music therapy for students and will not pay for it. Nursing homes are another option but it’s usually informal- like a lady just comes and plays music once a week, not a music therapist. 

Music therapy can be amazing (I’ve seen t work well for non verbal kids and used it myself, untrained, with non verbal preschoolers in my sessions) and if a therapist lives in a city that has say, private schools for autism, they may find a job. But it’s tough to find work.

I appreciate this information.

Our state has scholarships for services and for alternative schools so it might not be a bad market here. We also know that if you want to do music, you have to plan on it as Plan A with something else for backup. You can’t usually get into a program with music as Plan B. We’re assessing if we can even have a Plan A given the weird way things came together.

He has a personality type that is statistically likely to be underemployed, and he has some physical issues that make a lot of jobs not a good fit, so whatever he comes up with could be problematic financially. 

I am hoping maybe he’ll be interested in multiple therapy areas as backup—he’s always been drawn to peers with obvious challenges. Even as a toddler, he knew how to soothe the other kids in the nursery at church by watching them and learning what toys they preferred, etc. 

[Carrie12345]

25 minutes ago, kbutton said:

@Carrie12345, would you be willing to PM about this? I have a musical child that is considering music therapy (has the personal qualities for it), but dental issues delayed his starting a group instrument. Then Covid took away our band option (no precautions). We could use some inspiration for various routes to his goal. Thanks!

Sure, I’ll do my best!  
Ill be popping in and out through the day. 

18 minutes ago, Hilltopmom said:

I’m just going to chime in on this. Most of my music therapy friends were unable to find work and now work in other fields- mostly special Ed. In my area, music therapy exists- we have one music therapist who works for a private sped agency & provides services across a huge (several hours wide) area. Spends most of her time driving (& the drive time is not paid).
Most school districts do not approve music therapy for students and will not pay for it. Nursing homes are another option but it’s usually informal- like a lady just comes and plays music once a week, not a music therapist. 

Music therapy can be amazing (I’ve seen t work well for non verbal kids and used it myself, untrained, with non verbal preschoolers in my sessions) and if a therapist lives in a city that has say, private schools for autism, they may find a job. But it’s tough to find work.

Very serious points to consider.

Honestly, having a music major “kid” (he’s certainly no longer a child) has always worried me. He has 2 sets of parents who will always be there (I mean, while we’re alive at least) for him as back ups, and that’s what keeps me from panicking. And he’s also not above taking non-prestigious work to pay the bills, so…

(Also, having many frank discussions makes me feel like I did my part.$

[Farrar]

13 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

The school seems to have a lot of patience and empathy for him. 

I was thinking about this statement and wanted to come back to poke at it just a little. One thing I've seen from some nurturing communities when dealing with a square peg is that they spend a lot of time gently whittling away at the kid's edges to make them fit in the round hole. But the best approach will help make the hole more square. In other words, being patient and gentle and understanding is all very good (and it is good!) but isn't anywhere near as good as giving appropriate supports and accommodations. And, again, most private schools are terrible at those. I don't know which situation this is. It's just a piece that occurs to me, especially since one of the sacrifices isn't even an "edge" that holds him back - music - it's just something that doesn't fit as well at the private school.

[Faith-manor]

I would do the public school. If he wants to major in music, he needs to come from a decent performing arts program. Music in college is very competitive, admission is not a guarantee even if someone is a "good player", and absolutely no merit money is going to follow coming from a poor fine arts program. Tutor personally or hire tutors to help with the academics as needed, and use the ps dual enrollment program to get him things like college comp and college algebra or a couple other standard GEN Eds IF these are being done with actual college professors and not high school teachers instructing. The colleges have a lot of accommodations for LD's, and it demonstrates readiness if the school is widely known to be weaker.

He needs to flourish musically. I cannot emphasize this enough. An music therapy programs are crazy competitive to get into so if he aspires to this, you have to prioritize his music and a wide depth of musical experience. If he can assist in some way with children, work with the elementary school music teacher, volunteer counselor at Fine Arts camp, similar type things, all the better. I do not recommend sacred music as a career at the moment. Many churches saw a huge fall off of donations during the pandemic and let their paid musicians/directors go. In my experience, once those salaries are eliminated from church budgets, congregations rarely add back in the future and spend the money on other things. There is a dearth of highly qualified church music directors out of work now, and many of them are going to remain out of work in that field for quite some time. When he graduates college, he will be the one with no experience up against 200 other people with experience trying to get that one advertised church music director job. When this happened back in the 70's during the energy crisis, it took more than a decade to sort out before there were enough churches wanting paid musicians again to make it a viable career choice, and in many instances it was only churches with parochial k-8 schools hiring which meant needing a sacred music degree plus a music education degree and license. A ton of protestant, non-liturgical or less liturgical churches did not go back to paid positions, and the number of parochial schools has dropped like a rock in recent years. I really think he would have a hard time carving out a career in sacred music even if it is 8 years from now when he needs a job.

But music therapy is a wonderful field, and he should be able to find a position that pays decently and comes with benefits.

[kbutton]

14 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Sure, I’ll do my best!  
Ill be popping in and out through the day. 

I think your box might be full.

[Roadrunner]

11 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Neither of the schools I mentioned here are Catholic. That is a whole other issue to sort out.   

At the public school he could probably take instrumental and choir each semester and dance as his PE.  Plus he’d be home at 3:00 with minimal homework vs 6:00 with substantial homework, or be could spend 3-6 at school doing a musical or marching band.  

If he is serious about music, you need time for lessons and practice at home. That means a huge no to a private school. If a kid gets home at 6 and still has homework, when is he going to practice? I would go with a public. 

[SKL]

Without knowing more, I'd choose the public school.  Reasons:

• More course options that suit your child.
• More time to pursue healthy personal interests.
• More time to spend with family.  This is something my dad pointed out to me in relation to my brother being in a private across town.  It becomes so important and so hard to connect with your teen son.
• Academically, if he has to work very hard, maybe public will be a better fit.  Advanced studies aren't for everyone.
• Depending on where you live, public schools often do a much better job helping kids with differences.  For example, my kids' school has two teachers in every classroom all day long.  The extra teachers give one-on-one assistance to kids who need help, whether they have an IEP or not.  The teachers also offer office hours for extra help.  Maybe they also offer help at the private school, but where the student body isn't as intellectually diverse, it may be harder for the kids socially to admit that they need help.  (Not that it's super easy at public school either, but at least they aren't the only kid needing it.)

Churches offer programs for teens in public school, and you can do some things as a family if the church's offerings aren't enough.  Based on the kids I know in parochial schools, I don't think they are any better off spiritually than public school kids with spiritual-minded families.  In fact, in some cases I think the public schools are better for the kids' mental health.  While I don't like all the things I hear teens talking about, it seems better than trying to force teens into a box that they don't feel they fit in.

Full disclosure - my kids were in Lutheran school until age 13 / 8th grade.  It was fine for them then.  I was leaning toward parochial high school for a long time.  But teens go through a lot of mental / emotional changes that we can't predict.  In the end, parochial high school would probably have been terrible for one of my kids, and marginal for the other.

On the other hand, during Covid, the parochial schools have been in-person almost the whole time, while public was mostly online or hybrid last year.  I would have preferred in-person.  But who knows what the future holds?  If I had to do it over, knowing what I know now, I probably still would have chosen public.

[EKS]

With regard to how small private high school works with LDs combined with strong focused interests...

My older son has dyslexia and a strong interest in engineering and computers.  He went to a small private high school, the only secular one within driving distance, for two semesters.  The school was great about implementing his 504 plan, and the experience was wonderful--until it wasn't.  In the second semester he was there, which was the first semester of his junior year, it became obvious that the school was a poor fit.  The homework load was insane (IB diploma program) and the school's STEM offerings were meager.  This meant that his interests weren't supported during the school day and he had no time to pursue them outside of school.  He ended up leaving the school mid year in his junior year (that was interesting to explain to colleges!) and going to the local CC where he could focus on his interests and the time he needed to devote to his studies was far less.  He even had time for a part time job at a small engineering company.

[SKL]

I would also add that my kids' public school has a good music program, and it's literally been the best thing to happen to them over the past 2 years.  For all the reasons mentioned above.  The marching band is a great social, physical, and artistic outlet all in one.  I only wish my kids would try theater also.  🙂

[Kanin]

12 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Neither of the schools I mentioned here are Catholic. That is a whole other issue to sort out.   

At the public school he could probably take instrumental and choir each semester and dance as his PE.  Plus he’d be home at 3:00 with minimal homework vs 6:00 with substantial homework, or be could spend 3-6 at school doing a musical or marching band.  

Wow, getting home at 6 with substantial homework? That sounds awful. Spending 3-6 pm doing something he loves sounds awesome. 

[Moonhawk]

Another thought to add: does you son plan to take private music lessons, or does he already? If he does, do you plan to stay with this studio or move to a different teacher? I'd hate for you to move to the public school then 6 months later he's taking lessons from someone who lives in the same block as the private school, or something like that. Conversely, staying with the private then finding a teacher that is in your neighborhood that only has openings at 4-5pm.

(Sorry, I don't want to make it more complicated. But this is a big consideration if music is the trajectory he's on. We ended up moving 2 hours away from the studio my daughter studies piano in, and it was worth it to us to find accommodations so that she could continue with that teacher. So speaking from experience is all.)

Edited December 31, 2021 by Moonhawk

[Dmmetler]

Make 100% sure that he won't hit the problem of anything needed for LD not being compatible with music classes. One big problem we've hit with M this year is that her need for math remediation removed all electives from her schedule, making it an extremely miserable situation. 

[hshibley]

I would lean towards the public school with a strong music program. My dd went to a very well regarded state university music program for undergrad. Admission was very competitive. The ps gave her ample opportunity to stretch musically-  all state band, all state orchestra, encouragement to attend college honor band programs, Govenor school for music performance, and local youth orchestra etc. Her band teacher and her local private music teacher were tremendous mentors that really helped her grow and navigate the admissions process. College music programs can be very competitive. Also it was an area where dh and I knew nothing. 

[katilac]

If I were choosing, I'd go with the public school. I do think he should have a lot of input, as both choices are acceptable, but I'd possibly not tell him it was entirely his decision, as I'd worry about him choosing a school to make other people happy (not necessarily on a conscious level). 

I'd also emphasize that a decision is being made for what is best for him right now. While it is smart to plan with college in mind, it's also important to remember that these four years of his life are just as authentic, and no less important, than the four college years. And the growing-up years are no less authentic than the grown-up years. This means not placing undue emphasis on the future when talking about his current school; that is, I would want to talk about how much he gets from the music program and how good it is for him now, versus talking about how good it is because he wants that type of major or career some day. This keeps the focus on these years being important in and of themselves, rather than as prep for the future, and also leaves lots of room for the young person to change their mind without undue angst. 

The above is a bit of a digression from your specific situation; it's what I think in general. And a bit of a thing with me, lol. 

 

[GoodGrief3]

This is a situation where I'd let the student's desires carry most of the weight, unless there are financial or other considerations that need to take priority.

I had one that was heavily involved in theater in middle school/high school. I'd say it was a mixed blessing. Not sure it was the healthiest atmosphere looking back on it all. But she did develop some public speaking ability.

I've had two that did music through high school, one with quite a few accolades. I've known many, many music kids. It can be really wonderful, but things can go south fairly quickly there as well. Not sure I'd make an educational decision for a budding middle school musician based primarily on music offerings. If your son's desire was to follow that track though, I think it would be worth pursuing.

Either school will likely work out nicely in its own way.

[Drama Llama]

5 hours ago, Farrar said:

I was thinking about this statement and wanted to come back to poke at it just a little. One thing I've seen from some nurturing communities when dealing with a square peg is that they spend a lot of time gently whittling away at the kid's edges to make them fit in the round hole. But the best approach will help make the hole more square. In other words, being patient and gentle and understanding is all very good (and it is good!) but isn't anywhere near as good as giving appropriate supports and accommodations. And, again, most private schools are terrible at those. I don't know which situation this is. It's just a piece that occurs to me, especially since one of the sacrifices isn't even an "edge" that holds him back - music - it's just something that doesn't fit as well at the private school.

I do think, other than workload, that they are doing right by him.   I don't feel like he's been whittled into the wrong hole.  He's well liked, has made friends, participates in sports which he also loves.  It's not that they're communicating that his music isn't valued.   It's just that they don't offer as many things as our public which has 6 times as many students.  

I think part of it is that, due to covid, he chose not to do choir or band or the play this year.  So, we're trying to compare two programs without a lot of experience in either.

What I wish for is a crystal ball.  Mine is broken.  Knowing what covid, and our family situation will be like would really make this all easier.  

 

[Drama Llama]

5 hours ago, Moonhawk said:

Another thought to add: does you son plan to take private music lessons, or does he already? If he does, do you plan to stay with this studio or move to a different teacher? I'd hate for you to move to the public school then 6 months later he's taking lessons from someone who lives in the same block as the private school, or something like that. Conversely, staying with the private then finding a teacher that is in your neighborhood that only has openings at 4-5pm.

(Sorry, I don't want to make it more complicated. But this is a big consideration if music is the trajectory he's on. We ended up moving 2 hours away from the studio my daughter studies piano in, and it was worth it to us to find accommodations so that she could continue with that teacher. So speaking from experience is all.)

He takes a private string lesson at school, and plays in the beginner orchestra there.  He picked up a new instrument this year because he wanted to make music with other people, and didn't want to take off his mask.  He takes a private trombone lesson virtually, and we're looking at adding voice.  If he stays at his current school, he could do all of those things there.  If he goes to public, we'd do private lessons at a music school near us.  The virtual thing is just due to covid. 

[Drama Llama]

5 hours ago, Kanin said:

Wow, getting home at 6 with substantial homework? That sounds awful. Spending 3-6 pm doing something he loves sounds awesome. 

If he stays at private he'd be doing his music lessons there, and sports every day.  So, he'd be doing things he loves either way.  If he goes to public, we'd need to supplement with those things, but he'd still end up with more time for music practice or to do something like a musical. 

Right now, he rather be at school than home.  Home is pretty stressful.  I hope that changes by fall.