My parents were in a bad car accident today

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

I hear what you're saying about your dad.  Through different traumatic things I did like to keep on with some of my responsibilities.  It even hurt to have people keep insisting that "it's okay to quit, we understand" when I really needed something normal and occupying to my brain.

What would he normally do with a sabbatical? (even if it ends up being fmla on paper). Can he structure this time somewhat like that?  Can he offer to proofread or get his name out there to read new books in his field and give reviews?

[Dmmetler]

1 hour ago, happi duck said:

Many (hugs)

I hear what you're saying about your dad.  Through different traumatic things I did like to keep on with some of my responsibilities.  It even hurt to have people keep insisting that "it's okay to quit, we understand" when I really needed something normal and occupying to my brain.

What would he normally do with a sabbatical? (even if it ends up being fmla on paper). Can he structure this time somewhat like that?  Can he offer to proofread or get his name out there to read new books in his field and give reviews?

Well, the last one (probably almost 20 years ago) my parents went to South Africa with the Heifer Project.

 

If he were home he could focus on research, but obviously I don’t have a NMR mass spectrometer in my homeschool science supplies. 

[YaelAldrich]

30 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

Well, the last one (probably almost 20 years ago) my parents went to South Africa with the Heifer Project.

 

If he were home he could focus on research, but obviously I don’t have a NMR mass spectrometer in my homeschool science supplies. 

Well, those are in all the cool homeschooler's homes.  Next to their SEM microscopes and PCR machines and hand looms.

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, plaidpants said:

For dinner, they're not the world's greatest, but not awful, especially with a salad or something-- those skillet meals from Bertolis or similar in the frozen section. Takes about 20 minutes, just dump and stir occasionally. Even less work than the crockpot.

How are you doing?

Trader Joe's also has a lot of prepared meals. I don't know what they have out during a pandemic, but our Whole Foods has a lot of hot meals and so do some of the fancier grocery stores. Usually they are more nutritious options than fast food even if they're still a little higher calorie. Most places like that have veggies in with their options. 

[cbollin]

giggle..  "don’t have a NMR mass spectrometer in my homeschool science supplies.  "   giggle.  LOL

anyway, short of your dad going to my dh's office, I can't help on that. I mean you know we just downsized all of the analytical chemistry equipment in the last year after return to office for work. (giggle. LOL)

but in seriousness,  check PM for meal pick up idea.  don't have to go inside or have contact at pick up. 

[LifeLovePassion]

Bagged salad mixes also add a fresh element to a quick meal. 

[TravelingChris]

1 hour ago, Dmmetler said:

Well, the last one (probably almost 20 years ago) my parents went to South Africa with the Heifer Project.

 

If he were home he could focus on research, but obviously I don’t have a NMR mass spectrometer in my homeschool science supplies. 

Nope we don't have those.  But homeschooling science meant that dh could buy lots of fun stuff. And we still have it all too and he still uses a lot of it- just not with the kids anymore.

[Dmmetler]

5 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

Nope we don't have those.  But homeschooling science meant that dh could buy lots of fun stuff. And we still have it all too and he still uses a lot of it- just not with the kids anymore.

It’s hard to match what a PhD college professor who has been at the same school and writing grants for his lab for 45 years has to play with, though. If I still had any kids homeschooling,  I’d suggest that he take over teaching homeschool Chem.

Edited January 10, 2022 by Dmmetler

[TravelingChris]

1 minute ago, Dmmetler said:

It’s hard to match what a PhD college professor who has been at the same school and writing grants for his lab for 45 years has to play with, though. If I still had any kids homeschooling,  I’d suggest that he take over teaching homeschool Chem.

Oh I agree completely,  But my dh hasn't had a lab to play in for well over 10 years though he is still a PhD physicist.  Basically he loves most hard sciences and I love the rest- I am much more into meteorology than him. And I know much more about medical science.

[Dmmetler]

Mom had another good day. She’s sitting up in a chair some of the time, writing notes, watching TV, and wants to come home. 

[Kassia]

42 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

Mom had another good day. She’s sitting up in a chair some of the time, writing notes, watching TV, and wants to come home. 

That's fantastic.  I love reading about her slow and steady progress.  I'm sure it's a huge relief for you.  

[Dmmetler]

Mom had another good day, where she was sitting up and moving more, awake for longer periods, and generally building up stamina. The goal is to get off the ventilator entirely, and just to build up strength as she continues to heal. She wants to go to VMRC to recover 🙂. 

The hospital social worker is going to help with FMLA as well. We got all the paperwork from JMU today and have a zoom call with Dad's doctor tomorrow. 

[NewnameC]

I’m so glad to read of your mom’s continued improvement. She is amazing.

[Dmmetler]

In more good news, we got the settlement information for the car, and since it was low mileage and fairly new (and the assumption is that all personal belongings were a loss, which is pretty close to true), they're being generous.

[Dmmetler]

I've decided the hardest part of this for me isn't seeing my parents struggle, but that I am now in the position of having to parent my parents. It's a difficult transition, especially when it happened in under a day. 

 

On the other hand, I find that I'm really not anxious about L at all, and the fact that most of what my actual child needs can be supplied via a credit card is kind of a relief. (I just put a Posh mask order in this morning). 

[Dmmetler]

Sometimes blessings look like a 40% off Schwan's delivery coupon in your email at just the right time.

[mlktwins]

1 hour ago, Dmmetler said:

I've decided the hardest part of this for me isn't seeing my parents struggle, but that I am now in the position of having to parent my parents. It's a difficult transition, especially when it happened in under a day. 

 

On the other hand, I find that I'm really not anxious about L at all, and the fact that most of what my actual child needs can be supplied via a credit card is kind of a relief. (I just put a Posh mask order in this morning). 

This is a hard place to be - especially in an emergency situation such as this.  Huge hugs.

We have a new Elder Care club if you care to join.  I sent you an invite to make it easier.  Just a place for support, to vent, get advice.  A lot of us are in various stages of this.  If you aren't interested, that is fine too :-).

 

 

[Dmmetler]

And more good news-my dad did a Zoom appointment with his doctor, who will sign off on him being off on FMLA for this semester due to post-concussion symptoms. Which means that FMLA for dependent care can be saved for if it is needed for mom ongoing (or, it gives him until next Fall to officially retire if that's what he decides to do). 

 

 

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

I've decided the hardest part of this for me isn't seeing my parents struggle, but that I am now in the position of having to parent my parents. It's a difficult transition, especially when it happened in under a day. 

 

On the other hand, I find that I'm really not anxious about L at all, and the fact that most of what my actual child needs can be supplied via a credit card is kind of a relief. (I just put a Posh mask order in this morning). 

I remember that feeling.  My parents got  better though and I am sure yours will too.  

It is quite the jolt to realize you have to just take over.

[Dmmetler]

Mom is continuing to improve-she was sitting up for about 5 hours today and stayed awake and with it for the full visit 🙂

[Dmmetler]

They lowered mom's vent settings today, so she was a bit more tired because breathing is hard work. She very much enjoyed all the notes and cards people sent, and even typed a response to an e-card on my iPad. So a hard day, but a good one. 

 

[Dmmetler]

A couple of weeks in, I am very thankful that

 

A) they were still close enough to Memphis that mom was transported here. Both because the dedicated trauma hospital is first-rate, but also because it means we do have a home base. And that since it is a trauma hospital, it isn't being slammed with COVID cases (there may be some "with COVID", but no "Of COVID". The ICU has actually never been full, and for the most part, the nursing staff are busy, but not overloaded. The difference between the specialty hospital and what I'm hearing from general ones is so great right now.

 

B) that L isn't applying for colleges now. This would have been awful to deal with if you were trying to get the last applications in, do scholarship and honor college apps, etc. 

 

C) that Agnes Scott did open dorms, but is doing classes online. It has drastically reduced my stress

 

D) that food delivery and online ordering is a thing. 

 

E) that my parents have a big friend circle of the generation that writes letters and sends cards, because those mean so much to my mom. 

 

F) that I had already delayed the start of my semester thinking it would be better for COVID, even pre-Omicron, which means I have time now. 

 

G) that so far, we have not seemed to encounter anyone who wasn't trying to be nice and helpful-from insurance to HR to everyone in the hospital, to the TN highway patrol, to the wrecker...all have been just amazing. 

 

And, that so far, Mom's recovery has honestly been extremely good and steady, when that was not at all assured. In a bit over two weeks we've gone from "we'll do what we can, but the Outlook isn't good, and it would be touch and go even for a young person" to the medical staff all seeming much more positive. And that's a gift. 

[TravelingChris]

7 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

A couple of weeks in, I am very thankful that

 

A) they were still close enough to Memphis that mom was transported here. Both because the dedicated trauma hospital is first-rate, but also because it means we do have a home base. And that since it is a trauma hospital, it isn't being slammed with COVID cases (there may be some "with COVID", but no "Of COVID". The ICU has actually never been full, and for the most part, the nursing staff are busy, but not overloaded. The difference between the specialty hospital and what I'm hearing from general ones is so great right now.

 

B) that L isn't applying for colleges now. This would have been awful to deal with if you were trying to get the last applications in, do scholarship and honor college apps, etc. 

 

C) that Agnes Scott did open dorms, but is doing classes online. It has drastically reduced my stress

 

D) that food delivery and online ordering is a thing. 

 

E) that my parents have a big friend circle of the generation that writes letters and sends cards, because those mean so much to my mom. 

 

F) that I had already delayed the start of my semester thinking it would be better for COVID, even pre-Omicron, which means I have time now. 

 

G) that so far, we have not seemed to encounter anyone who wasn't trying to be nice and helpful-from insurance to HR to everyone in the hospital, to the TN highway patrol, to the wrecker...all have been just amazing. 

 

And, that so far, Mom's recovery has honestly been extremely good and steady, when that was not at all assured. In a bit over two weeks we've gone from "we'll do what we can, but the Outlook isn't good, and it would be touch and go even for a young person" to the medical staff all seeming much more positive. And that's a gift. 

Ye,s  that is all so very good.  I was thinking about how lucky your family was that it happened near Memphis rather than along the way,.

[Dmmetler]

45 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

Ye,s  that is all so very good.  I was thinking about how lucky your family was that it happened near Memphis rather than along the way,.

If they had been probably even 25 miles farther along, they would have been transported to Vanderbilt, which is a good hospital, but would have been so much harder to manage. 

[TravelingChris]

3 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

If they had been probably even 25 miles farther along, they would have been transported to Vanderbilt, which is a good hospital, but would have been so much harder to manage. 

Yes,  it would have been.  Is Memphis about 3 hours away from Nashville?

[Dmmetler]

5 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

Yes,  it would have been.  Is Memphis about 3 hours away from Nashville?

3-4 depending on time of day. (and recognizing that it can take an hour to get through either Memphis or Nashville at times). 

 

[melmichigan]

I am so glad to see the positive updates and hope the trend continues.  Don't forget to take care of yourself.  

[Dmmetler]

Mom was pretty tired today. She's working hard on breathing, and it takes a toll. We were able to get to the bank so Dad could get checks, which was reassuring to him. We also got a quilt from the Trinity Stitchers group, and took it in to show Mom. 

[Grace Hopper]

On 1/10/2022 at 11:00 AM, Dmmetler said:

Dad’s having a really tough morning. I think it’s hitting him that “extremely good progress” means a minute longer off the vent and a total of a few minutes a day more, not a miraculous recovery, and that things may never go back to normal. 
 

I hope that we can get the paperwork needed for the sabbatical/FMLA so he doesn’t have to worry about teaching…but at the same time,I’m a little worried that if he doesn’t have teaching to worry about, and mom’s still in the hospital with very limited visitation, he won’t have anything. 
 

I’m also realizing that I need to figure something out as far as meals. We’ve been doing far too much takeout. But with visiting happening right at dinner time, it’s definitely a struggle. 

Maybe you could encourage him to write some articles? Publish in a professional journal?

[Dmmetler]

10 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

Maybe you could encourage him to write some articles? Publish in a professional journal?

Apparently his research is on his computer in the office. He brought his files to teach this semester, but not the research stuff.  If it looks like Mom will need to do rehab here (we're hoping that it will be possible for her to go somewhere closer to home), we may be making a quick trip to VA to pick up what he needs. 

[ScoutTN]

19 hours ago, melmichigan said:

I am so glad to see the positive updates and hope the trend continues.  Don't forget to take care of yourself.  

This!

Praying for all of you!

[Dmmetler]

Mom is continuing to progress. She has had some nausea and stomach issues which they're working on, but they are reducing the ventilator and she is progressing there. She loves the prayer quilt and cuddled under it, although we aren't allowed to leave it there. 

We went early today since it is expected to start freezing tonight and is raining quite heavily now. I don't know if we'll be able to go in to visit tomorrow or not. 

[Dmmetler]

I'm ordering This. Mom will love it, and when she's out of ICU, it will be great to take to her room. She's never liked cut flowers, and she adores butterflies. 

[Kanin]

1 hour ago, Dmmetler said:

I'm ordering This. Mom will love it, and when she's out of ICU, it will be great to take to her room. She's never liked cut flowers, and she adores butterflies. 

That is awesome!

If you like making things with paper, you might like this book. It's awesome.

[DreamerGirl]

@Dmmetler Have not been keeping up with this thread and so nice to read about your mom's steady progress.

I know a little bit of the gut punch of being in a position to transition to taking care of your parents in a visible way where it is not mutual but more on you. Glad your DD is doing well too.

The butterfly bouquet looks so nice.

I hope you are doing well too.

[Dmmetler]

I'm generally doing OK, although I have no clue how it's going to work next week, when I'm supposed to be back teaching, and it should work, since I only work 3-4 hours/day-but those hours also overlap the evening hospital visitation. Although that may change anyway-once mom is out of ICU, which now looks like it really is just a matter of time and healing (I really wonder if they're actually delaying moving her specifically BECAUSE ICU has more flexible visitation than the other units right now, and recognize that she needs to be able to see my Dad, and my dad needs to be able to spend time with her). Dad is not able to drive again yet-both due to post concussive symptoms and just plain anxiety, and we'd run into trouble with cars needing to be in two different directions at once. 

 

Plus, I'm no longer allowed to mandate masking, meaning I'm going to be hoping that my students' parents are willing to make their kids wear masks when it's not required. I am hoping that they'll do so-especially since most have been masking for the last year and a half without issue, but the idea that I can't control that, and knowing that even a mild breakthrough COVID case could so easily be fatal for mom right now is terrifying. 

 

The general consensus among my family is that I shouldn't quit-that at this point, when things are stable and we're unlikely to have to run down at a moment's notice-and with visitation limited anyway, there's no reason for me to do so, and good reasons to keep my job and my program going and growing. And emotionally, I think I need it. But it doesn't stop me from being terrified-and not really knowing if the terror is rational or not. 

 

[Dmmetler]

Yep, we have snow this morning. I'll call for an update later on, but the combination likely means that we both can't get to the hospital and that the trauma hospital staff is busy (hopefully not many people will wreck badly enough to need them, but it'sMemphis plus frozen streets. That's a bad combination). 

 

Feeling very down this morning. 

[Dmmetler]

Just checked on Mom. She's doing well, and they're working on lowering the ventilator pressure. She's still having some stomach issues, but that seems to be under control. And she has one of her favorite nurses today. So generally positive. 

[Starr]

It's tough for all of you but I am amazed at how well you are all doing given the circumstances.

[sassenach]

21 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

I'm generally doing OK, although I have no clue how it's going to work next week, when I'm supposed to be back teaching, and it should work, since I only work 3-4 hours/day-but those hours also overlap the evening hospital visitation. Although that may change anyway-once mom is out of ICU, which now looks like it really is just a matter of time and healing (I really wonder if they're actually delaying moving her specifically BECAUSE ICU has more flexible visitation than the other units right now, and recognize that she needs to be able to see my Dad, and my dad needs to be able to spend time with her). Dad is not able to drive again yet-both due to post concussive symptoms and just plain anxiety, and we'd run into trouble with cars needing to be in two different directions at once. 

 

Plus, I'm no longer allowed to mandate masking, meaning I'm going to be hoping that my students' parents are willing to make their kids wear masks when it's not required. I am hoping that they'll do so-especially since most have been masking for the last year and a half without issue, but the idea that I can't control that, and knowing that even a mild breakthrough COVID case could so easily be fatal for mom right now is terrifying. 

 

The general consensus among my family is that I shouldn't quit-that at this point, when things are stable and we're unlikely to have to run down at a moment's notice-and with visitation limited anyway, there's no reason for me to do so, and good reasons to keep my job and my program going and growing. And emotionally, I think I need it. But it doesn't stop me from being terrified-and not really knowing if the terror is rational or not. 

 

I don't know what you teach but would it be possible for you to share your situation with students/families? Maybe say, "I cannot require masks but it would mean so much to me if you chose to continue masking to help me protect my mom." IDK. We've been through a lot with my son recently and we've definitely had people choose to mask around us purely to help us protect him. Different context but maybe it would work?

[TexasProud]

36 minutes ago, sassenach said:

I don't know what you teach but would it be possible for you to share your situation with students/families? Maybe say, "I cannot require masks but it would mean so much to me if you chose to continue masking to help me protect my mom." IDK. We've been through a lot with my son recently and we've definitely had people choose to mask around us purely to help us protect him. Different context but maybe it would work?

YES!!! I would so play this card. 

[Dmmetler]

1 hour ago, sassenach said:

I don't know what you teach but would it be possible for you to share your situation with students/families? Maybe say, "I cannot require masks but it would mean so much to me if you chose to continue masking to help me protect my mom." IDK. We've been through a lot with my son recently and we've definitely had people choose to mask around us purely to help us protect him. Different context but maybe it would work?

I hope so...but there is some part of me that is afraid that I'll ask and they won't do it. And I'm not sure emotionally I can handle having people knowingly refuse after I've had their kids, in some cases, for several years (I teach piano, general music and woodwinds, and right now have only private lessons). If that makes any sense....

 

I do plan to include it in my introductory e-mail this semester because I usually turn my phone completely off while teaching, and since I am the hospital contact, being out of touch for four hours at a stretch would be bad. 

[Dmmetler]

I just sent out my "lessons begin next week" email, including the plea to please continue masking in the studio. I'm really hoping that parents are willing to have their kids do so. Legally, I am not allowed to require it in my state, but with my mother still in the hospital (doing well, but many broken ribs and internal injuries means a LONG recovery) there is NO WAY I want COVID, the Flu, a cold, or anything else right now! I am so furious at my state legislature for removing the option for local governments and businesses to require masking. I am confident that we would have a mask mandate in place given COVID numbers in my area right now if the county health department were allowed to put one in. At least my local school district has continued masking, although based on teachers I know, enforcement is entirely dependent on whether the adult in the room tells the kids to do it or not-there is really no support one way or the other at the building level.

[Dmmetler]

Very hopeful update today. I went over to see Mom and brought Asbury's service on my iPad. She stayed "with it" the whole time, and except for popping off her trach when trying to sing, really seemed to enjoy it. She's doing well and reducing pressure. 

I also talked to the person in charge of the Extended respiratory care, and she plans to evaluate mom tomorrow, and it's likely mom will be stepping down this week. Apparently insurance covered extended Care for ventilator weaning better after 21 days, which is why they've waited this long, but she doesn't think there will be any problem in getting it approved. The upside is that, basically, she's getting better. The downside is that currently visitation is limited except in critical care settings, which means that once she steps down, we'll be limited to FaceTime, etc and phone contacts with the hospital staff until the COVID levels drop enough to allow visitation again. But, hearing that Mom's to a level where she isn't considered critical care is a big deal, to say the least. 

So, feeling pretty good.

[TravelingChris]

23 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

I hope so...but there is some part of me that is afraid that I'll ask and they won't do it. And I'm not sure emotionally I can handle having people knowingly refuse after I've had their kids, in some cases, for several years (I teach piano, general music and woodwinds, and right now have only private lessons). If that makes any sense....

 

I do plan to include it in my introductory e-mail this semester because I usually turn my phone completely off while teaching, and since I am the hospital contact, being out of touch for four hours at a stretch would be bad. 

Well the woodwind kids can't mask, right?

[TravelingChris]

5 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

I just sent out my "lessons begin next week" email, including the plea to please continue masking in the studio. I'm really hoping that parents are willing to have their kids do so. Legally, I am not allowed to require it in my state, but with my mother still in the hospital (doing well, but many broken ribs and internal injuries means a LONG recovery) there is NO WAY I want COVID, the Flu, a cold, or anything else right now! I am so furious at my state legislature for removing the option for local governments and businesses to require masking. I am confident that we would have a mask mandate in place given COVID numbers in my area right now if the county health department were allowed to put one in. At least my local school district has continued masking, although based on teachers I know, enforcement is entirely dependent on whether the adult in the room tells the kids to do it or not-there is really no support one way or the other at the building level.

Yes, I think it is ridiculous for the legislatures and Governors to forbid masking.  I really hope my legislature doesn't do this- I know my Gov doesn't want this but she is up for re-election and at least one of the morons running against her (this guy is a real moron - he compared Roy Moore's bad behavior with a 14 year old to Jesus and Mary-- plus he is anti-vacc, anti-mask too), so I am not sure what she would do.  Another woman is running who used to be running for the Senate seat and I am totally unclear what her position is at all.  I have been so happy with my state's response to COVID-- totally moderate and not loony.  Like my school district and the closest city to mine both re-adopted mask mandates when Omicron came after the Christmas Break-we didn't really have it much before- and I wasn't paying any attention as to whether they had one then or not.  In the fall semester, schools opened up in August when we were in the midst of a giant Delta wave.  My school district opened up with masking--- the county schools didn't and had a lot of teachers and students getting it and then belatedly doing masking.  You can't solve stupid.

[TravelingChris]

2 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

Very hopeful update today. I went over to see Mom and brought Asbury's service on my iPad. She stayed "with it" the whole time, and except for popping off her trach when trying to sing, really seemed to enjoy it. She's doing well and reducing pressure. 

I also talked to the person in charge of the Extended respiratory care, and she plans to evaluate mom tomorrow, and it's likely mom will be stepping down this week. Apparently insurance covered extended Care for ventilator weaning better after 21 days, which is why they've waited this long, but she doesn't think there will be any problem in getting it approved. The upside is that, basically, she's getting better. The downside is that currently visitation is limited except in critical care settings, which means that once she steps down, we'll be limited to FaceTime, etc and phone contacts with the hospital staff until the COVID levels drop enough to allow visitation again. But, hearing that Mom's to a level where she isn't considered critical care is a big deal, to say the least. 

So, feeling pretty good.

I don't understand the visitor policy at all.  Is it the COVID levels in the hospital that is the concern?? Or?????  I was happy to still see that the hospital I was in twice last year still allowed visitors although now down to 1 from the two that were allowed both times I was there.

[Dmmetler]

2 hours ago, TravelingChris said:

Well the woodwind kids can't mask, right?

My one current flute student is with me because the local homeschool music program isn’t taking COVID seriously. We’ve been meeting outside for the last semester. While the hope had been that since she was finally eligible to be vaccinated at the end of last term that we could come back with masks, we’ll be starting this semester on zoom or outdoors depending on weather as well. I dropped my group beginning class this semester.  I dropped group general music classes when COVID started, too. 

 

Edited January 18, 2022 by Dmmetler

[Dmmetler]

1 hour ago, TravelingChris said:

I don't understand the visitor policy at all.  Is it the COVID levels in the hospital that is the concern?? Or?????  I was happy to still see that the hospital I was in twice last year still allowed visitors although now down to 1 from the two that were allowed both times I was there.

I think they are just plain trying to keep COVID out by keeping people out, and they can’t legally ask visitors vaccination Status. So, critical care patients can have one visitor a day, as can pediatric patients. But adult patients who aren’t critical cannot have in person visitors except under specific conditions, and they try to do FaceTime, etc instead. 
 

Basically, it’s because my state legislature has restricted what precautions they can take OTHER than keeping visitors out, so if positivity is in the red zone, visitation is cut off. If it drops, they’ll start allowing visitation again.

[Dmmetler]

In Mom's own words "Stood up today. thought I'd die". They're continuing physical therapy, and she's continuing to progress.

Allstate is proceeding with a claim on underinsured/uninsured motorist coverage because the other driver doesn't have enough coverage to handle four sets of injuries (including at least 21 days in ICU). So far, they are continuing to be helpful. 

I am developing downright affection for the weeknight hospital security people, who see us coming and have everything set for one of us to go up and visit before we barely get in the door.