Urgent Covid Advice Needed - updated advice question in first and last post (repeated)

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I’m so sorry, especially since you saw it coming.  Normally—I’d say it’s inevitable now that Covid is going to sweep through everyone and not to change family plans, but you have special circumstances right now. I had ankle reconstruction surgery a few years ago and totally get it.  DH did manage to get the flu during that time and we actually had to farm the kids out to grandmothers. It was so difficult. I am praying that they don’t get Covid and you were not actually exposed.

If it helps at all—A vaxxed and boostered coworker had a rapid positive on Friday of last week and I and several other people spent all of Thursday in close contact. No masks and we were usually much close than six feet for hours(I was actually helping him in the storeroom which is a small 12 x 12 room with no ventilation for about two hours straight).   Nobody else has gotten sick out of the ten people he was around all day.  Omnicron is definitely contagious, but it is not inevitable that they caught it and exposed you.

Edited December 28, 2021 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

.  Omnicron is definitely contagious, but it is not inevitable that they caught it and exposed you.

I agree and we discussed this before telling them we thought it was best they left.  We said that there was a good chance they were fine but we just weren't comfortable with the risk.  And I totally believe that  - that's what makes it so hard.  We gave up family time with all four of my kids together under one roof (this rarely happens) because of the possibility they were infected.  We don't even know for sure.  Such a tough decision.  😞 

[Toocrazy!!]

I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. It’s certainly a terrible situation. They were irresponsible, but like so many they probably just don’t know enough to be scared or take the proper action. All of this has caused so much heartache among families and friends. 
It’s so hard to tell the ones we love that we don’t think it’s a good idea to spend time together right now. 
did they test before they came yesterday? I know that was a possibility. Hopefully they didn’t get it, or it was too early for them to be contagious. You did the right thing! Wishing you all good health! 

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Toocrazy!! said:

did they test before they came yesterday? I know that was a possibility. Hopefully they didn’t get it, or it was too early for them to be contagious. You did the right thing! Wishing you all good health! 

They did not test even though I told them I thought it would be valuable - not for infection from the party, but for what they were exposed to prior to that spending the week with her parents who aren't careful.  They ate at restaurants, went shopping, visited with relatives, etc.  

Hoping they are healthy and there are no hard feelings in the future.  This is going to be a very bad memory.  😞  

Thank you for all the support.  

[Katy]

4 minutes ago, Kassia said:

They did not test even though I told them I thought it would be valuable - not for infection from the party, but for what they were exposed to prior to that spending the week with her parents who aren't careful.  They ate at restaurants, went shopping, visited with relatives, etc.  

Hoping they are healthy and there are no hard feelings in the future.  This is going to be a very bad memory.  😞  

Thank you for all the support.  

Refusing to test implies that they knew there was a high chance they had it. That’s terrifying and I’m so glad they left. Hopefully the anecdotal stories of not being contagious until hours after symptoms develop is true and even if they have it they didn’t pass it to you.

[Kassia]

7 minutes ago, Katy said:

Refusing to test implies that they knew there was a high chance they had it. That’s terrifying and I’m so glad they left. Hopefully the anecdotal stories of not being contagious until hours after symptoms develop is true and even if they have it they didn’t pass it to you.

Thanks.  I really don't think they had any idea about the risk and that's why they didn't test.  As selfish and inconsiderate they've been, I don't think they thought they were positive and didn't test.  If that were the case, they wouldn't have told us that someone from the party tested positive.

I am grateful they at least told us about the positive case - they didn't have to do that.

[Spryte]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

Thanks.  I really don't think they had any idea about the risk and that's why they didn't test.  As selfish and inconsiderate they've been, I don't think they thought they were positive and didn't test.  If that were the case, they wouldn't have told us that someone from the party tested positive.

I am grateful they at least told us about the positive case - they didn't have to do that.

I agree that they didn’t understand the risk. Thankfully, they did tell you about the positive.

[Garga]

12 hours ago, Spryte said:

I agree that they didn’t understand the risk. Thankfully, they did tell you about the positive.

I have to admit that at age 19, I wouldn’t have had a clue, either. I was invincible and thought everyone else was, too. I might have acted like your son’s gf at that age, I’m ashamed to say. If she’s like me, when she’s older she’ll look back at a few memories like this one and cringe. 

Edited December 28, 2021 by Garga

[Kassia]

5 minutes ago, Garga said:

I have to admit that at age 19, I wouldn’t have had a clue, either. I was invincible and thought everyone else was, too. I might have acted like your son’s gf at that age, I’m ashamed to say. If she’s like me, when she’s older she’ll look back at a few memories like this one and cringe. 

Oh, ds' girlfriend is 29!  It's my dd who is 19.  At 29 - no excuse.  

[Kassia]

Any advice on where to go from here with girlfriend after she left without saying goodbye?  I usually send a Happy New Year text on NYE.  I plan on doing that but don't even know if it's appropriate or how to navigate the relationship now.  She's caused some drama in the past but it's never been like this.  They packed up the car and she never came back inside to say goodbye.  I couldn't go outside because I can't walk.  I told ds1 to tell her I said goodbye.  😞  

 

I'm pretty angry about the whole situation but can't hold a grudge if I want to maintain a relationship with them.  I just don't know where to go from here.

 

 

[MEmama]

Can you find the emotional and mental strength to send your usual text, keeping it light and neutral? Let her take the lead from there? It might that she’s mortified by her behavior (hopefully) but doesn’t know how to reach out first? 
 

I'm sorry you are faced with such a tricky and delicate situation, and on top of everything else you have on your plate. Sending you gentle hugs.

[Kassia]

19 minutes ago, MEmama said:

Can you find the emotional and mental strength to send your usual text, keeping it light and neutral? Let her take the lead from there? It might that she’s mortified by her behavior (hopefully) but doesn’t know how to reach out first? 
 

I'm sorry you are faced with such a tricky and delicate situation, and on top of everything else you have on your plate. Sending you gentle hugs.

Yes, I can absolutely do that.  I can just do the same thing I always do - send a Happy New Year text with a bitmoji or something like that.  I just didn't know if it was appropriate - like in her mind we kicked her out and now I'm wishing her a Happy New Year...

I'll do just about anything to maintain the relationship.  It will never be good but I certainly don't want estrangement.  

[Terabith]

I think I would send a Happy New Years text and say how sorry you are about the circumstances and that covid is such a jerk to mess up plans again.  I would put the blame on covid, not them or you.  I would say something light about you hope x (something you know she’s interested in or planning) goes well to make it more personal.  

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I think I would send a Happy New Years text and say how sorry you are about the circumstances and that covid is such a jerk to mess up plans again.  I would put the blame on covid, not them or you.  I would say something light about you hope x (something you know she’s interested in or planning) goes well to make it more personal.  

That's a great idea - they are moving this weekend so it would be easy to just add that in.  And I forgot that I already have a group text with ds1 and gf so I could just send one text to the both of them so it wouldn't be as awkward.

[Catwoman]

I would definitely send your usual text, with an extra note wishing them good luck with their move.

Honestly, they should be the ones texting you to see if any of the family caught Covid, but…. if I were you, I would be the bigger person and reach out first.

[mmasc]

11 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I think I would send a Happy New Years text and say how sorry you are about the circumstances and that covid is such a jerk to mess up plans again.  I would put the blame on covid, not them or you.  I would say something light about you hope x (something you know she’s interested in or planning) goes well to make it more personal.  

This is what I’d do too. Hopefully it’ll all smooth over soon! Nerves are frayed and with a bit of forgiveness and grace from both parties, I think you’ll all get past it.

[Kassia]

9 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

Honestly, they should be the ones texting you to see if any of the family caught Covid, but…. if I were you, I would be the bigger person and reach out first.

I agree.  The way they have acted is very upsetting and disappointing but I don't want the relationship to deteriorate more than it already has so I do need to be the one to reach out.  I did text my son the other day because his gf left her hairbrush here and asked if I should ship it to them.  I should have texted her about it and now I regret that.  I'm just used to communicating with him most of the time

 

Edited December 31, 2021 by Kassia

[SKL]

Sounds like it was awkward for everyone, and she may have wondered why you didn't say goodbye when they went out to pack the car.  She may have been worried that going back in the house would make you even more upset.  It may not be her usual practice/culture to go back in and say goodbye after leaving to pack the car.

So I would send the text and wish them well.  Unless it would be a lie, I would also say I hope to see them again when Covid is no longer a concern.

I agree with being the bigger person.  In the long run, it doesn't matter who reached out first, but it will matter a lot if nobody reaches out at all.

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

Sounds like it was awkward for everyone, and she may have wondered why you didn't say goodbye when they went out to pack the car.  She may have been worried that going back in the house would make you even more upset.  It may not be her usual practice/culture to go back in and say goodbye after leaving to pack the car.

So I would send the text and wish them well.  Unless it would be a lie, I would also say I hope to see them again when Covid is no longer a concern.

I agree with being the bigger person.  In the long run, it doesn't matter who reached out first, but it will matter a lot if nobody reaches out at all.

She was very angry and in a huff when packing and I know she has better manners than to just leave without saying goodbye.  She knew I couldn't go outside.  I actually got up and used my scooter waiting for her to come back in so I could say goodbye standing up rather than lounging on the couch but she never came back in.  
 

I absolutely wish them well.  I love them both dearly even if they are both difficult people.  😛

I will definitely reach out and appreciate the responses so much.  I love being able to come here for wise advice!  ❤️

 

[Catwoman]

11 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I agree.  The way they have acted is very upsetting and disappointing but I don't want the relationship to deteriorate more than it already has so I do need to be the one to reach out.  I did text my son the other day because his gf left her hairbrush here and asked if I should ship it to them.  I should have texted her about it and now I regret that.  I'm just used to communicating with him most of the time

 

Don't beat yourself up about not having texted her about the brush -- if you usually communicate with your son, I think you were fine. If you usually texted with her and then texted your son about the brush, that would have seemed weird, but as it is, I don't think it's a big deal.

I hope you hear back from them after you send the text! If you don't get a reply, you have a good excuse to give them a call next week, because you can ask how their move went and how they like their new place so far. You could also send a cute housewarming gift as a little peace offering, if you think it would help patch things up a little.

[LifeLovePassion]

7 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

You could also send a cute housewarming gift as a little peace offering, if you think it would help patch things up a little.

This is what I was going to suggest in addition to your usual text. 

[Kassia]

9 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

You could also send a cute housewarming gift as a little peace offering, if you think it would help patch things up a little.

 

1 minute ago, LifeLovePassion said:

This is what I was going to suggest in addition to your usual text. 

Thanks!  I don't know why I didn't even think about this.  When they moved two years ago, we sent a Bed, Bath, and Beyond gift card (a generous amount for us) and ds1 told me on our weekly phone call that they "got the gift card."  No thank you or anything...good grief, they are difficult.  It might be hard to convince DH to go for another housewarming gift.  

[Catwoman]

Just now, Kassia said:

 

Thanks!  I don't know why I didn't even think about this.  When they moved two years ago, we sent a Bed, Bath, and Beyond gift card (a generous amount for us) and ds1 told me on our weekly phone call that they "got the gift card."  No thank you or anything...good grief, they are difficult.  It might be hard to convince DH to go for another housewarming gift.  

Ugh! If they didn't even bother to thank you for the gift card, I wouldn't waste a single moment shopping for another gift. 

After reading that rudeness seems to be a bit of a pattern with the gf, I would try to keep things light and pleasant, but I don't think I'd go out of my way for them. (I'm assuming your ds wasn't like this before he got involved with her.) The one thing I would do is try to keep your relationship with your son as strong as you can, but not in an obvious way that would irritate the gf. I'm thinking that you text him funny memes or little "I saw this and it made me think of you" types of messages, and you can send messages that include phrases like "you guys" or "both of you," so it doesn't seem like you are excluding the gf. 

It sounds like you're in a tough spot here -- but please know that none of this is your fault. You haven't done anything wrong!

[LifeLovePassion]

6 minutes ago, Kassia said:

 

Thanks!  I don't know why I didn't even think about this.  When they moved two years ago, we sent a Bed, Bath, and Beyond gift card (a generous amount for us) and ds1 told me on our weekly phone call that they "got the gift card."  No thank you or anything...good grief, they are difficult.  It might be hard to convince DH to go for another housewarming gift.  

Ugh, given that info, I'd stick with simple...maybe some flowers or a gift basket with a redbox code and some snacks, or maybe a gift card to a local pizza place if you do anything at all. 

[Catwoman]

Just now, LifeLovePassion said:

Ugh, given that info, I'd stick with simple...maybe some flowers or a gift basket with a redbox code and some snacks, or maybe a gift card to a local pizza place if you do anything at all. 

I agree -- but honestly, in that situation, I probably wouldn't do anything at all, because it doesn't sound like the last gift was appreciated. If anything, they might feel slighted by receiving a smaller gift this time. The gf sounds kind of entitled. 

[2squared]

Do you have a family group chat? If so, are ds and the girlfriend included? My kids are a little younger, but our family group chat has helped my out-of-the-nest kids stay connected better. 

[Kassia]

12 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Ugh! If they didn't even bother to thank you for the gift card, I wouldn't waste a single moment shopping for another gift. 

After reading that rudeness seems to be a bit of a pattern with the gf, I would try to keep things light and pleasant, but I don't think I'd go out of my way for them. (I'm assuming your ds wasn't like this before he got involved with her.) 

It sounds like you're in a tough spot here -- but please know that none of this is your fault. You haven't done anything wrong!

Let's just say ds1 and his gf are perfect for each other.  Ds1 has always had a sense of entitlement that I don't understand and it's always been upsetting and disappointing to me.  But he's definitely gotten worse over the years.  DH and I aren't like that and my other kids aren't either.  

 

10 minutes ago, LifeLovePassion said:

Ugh, given that info, I'd stick with simple...maybe some flowers or a gift basket with a redbox code and some snacks, or maybe a gift card to a local pizza place if you do anything at all. 

Thanks.  I actually think they prefer not to receive gifts from us.  It's weird and I don't understand it.  I don't expect a formal thank you or anything like that to make it hard on them - I do like to hear that a gift was received/delivered if it was sent though.

 

1 minute ago, 2squared said:

Do you have a family group chat? If so, are ds and the girlfriend included? My kids are a little younger, but our family group chat has helped my out-of-the-nest kids stay connected better. 

No, we don't.  My four kids have their own discord group but ds1 doesn't participate much.  I don't think anyone else is part of that (there are three SOs in addition to my kids).  

[Kassia]

13 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I agree -- but honestly, in that situation, I probably wouldn't do anything at all, because it doesn't sound like the last gift was appreciated. If anything, they might feel slighted by receiving a smaller gift this time. The gf sounds kind of entitled. 

DH definitely doesn't want to get them anything due to their attitudes and also that this is just another temporary move and they aren't buying a house or anything like that.  

Both the gf and my own son are like that - it's not just her.  It's baffling to me and DH because we don't know how he got that way.  

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

Let's just say ds1 and his gf are perfect for each other.  Ds1 has always had a sense of entitlement that I don't understand and it's always been upsetting and disappointing to me.  But he's definitely gotten worse over the years.  DH and I aren't like that and my other kids aren't either.  

 

Thanks.  I actually think they prefer not to receive gifts from us.  It's weird and I don't understand it.  I don't expect a formal thank you or anything like that to make it hard on them - I do like to hear that a gift was received/delivered if it was sent though.

 

No, we don't.  My four kids have their own discord group but ds1 doesn't participate much.  I don't think anyone else is part of that (there are three SOs in addition to my kids).  

I don't expect formal thank yous, but in the gift card situation, it would have been just as easy to say, "We got the gift card -- thanks!" as it was to just say they got the gift card. 

If they prefer not to receive gifts, I wouldn't send one. And as much as I hate to say this, if your ds and his gf both have a sense of entitlement, I think you'd be better off casually keeping the lines of communication open with lighthearted stuff, and hoping that will help keep the relationship going with both of them. But I would spend more time and effort on your other kids, who sound more like you and your dh, and who will appreciate it. 

 

[Catwoman]

6 minutes ago, Kassia said:

DH definitely doesn't want to get them anything due to their attitudes and also that this is just another temporary move and they aren't buying a house or anything like that.  

Both the gf and my own son are like that - it's not just her.  It's baffling to me and DH because we don't know how he got that way.  

It's probably just a personality thing -- sometimes people in a family are all so similar to each other, but there's one who it seems like must have gotten switched at birth at the hospital or something, because they are so different from everyone else.

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

It's probably just a personality thing -- sometimes people in a family are all so similar to each other, but there's one who it seems like must have gotten switched at birth at the hospital or something, because they are so different from everyone else.

I have fraternal twins who are SO different but one is on the spectrum and the other isn't.  Nature vs. nurture is fascinating.  

[Bootsie]

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.  It is worrisome to think that you might have been exposed and stressful and sad to have a tense situation with your son/girlfriend.  I would try to not focus much on the fact that the gf did not come back in to say goodbye.  If I were in a situation in which someone said that they weren't comfortable with my being in their home because of possible COVID exposure, I would try to leave as quickly as possible and I would probably not go back in to say goodbye, increasing the risk of exposure.  

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.  It is worrisome to think that you might have been exposed and stressful and sad to have a tense situation with your son/girlfriend.  I would try to not focus much on the fact that the gf did not come back in to say goodbye.  If I were in a situation in which someone said that they weren't comfortable with my being in their home because of possible COVID exposure, I would try to leave as quickly as possible and I would probably not go back in to say goodbye, increasing the risk of exposure.  

Thank you.

 

I did think of the fact that she didn't come in due to exposure but she could have sent a text or something to say goodbye.  It definitely wasn't done to be considerate in any way.  

[Kassia]

Thanks everyone!  Your advice was very helpful (as always).

Sent the text and got a "Happy New Year" reply from gf.  Glad I sent something and relieved I heard back.  🙂

[Grace Hopper]

16 hours ago, Kassia said:

Yes, I can absolutely do that.  I can just do the same thing I always do - send a Happy New Year text with a bitmoji or something like that.  I just didn't know if it was appropriate - like in her mind we kicked her out and now I'm wishing her a Happy New Year...

I'll do just about anything to maintain the relationship.  It will never be good but I certainly don't want estrangement.  

I think the most disarming, de-escalating thing you can do is resume being your typical gracious, loving self. Be genuine. [eta - I mean the way you’ve always been to them - not grudging and not extravagant.) You are only responsible for your own attitude and behavior - you are not responsible for how she decides to go from here. 

Edited January 1, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Grace Hopper]

16 hours ago, Kassia said:

That's a great idea - they are moving this weekend so it would be easy to just add that in.  And I forgot that I already have a group text with ds1 and gf so I could just send one text to the both of them so it wouldn't be as awkward.

I think it’s in your best interest to text them as a pair. That way she knows he knows exactly what you said, kwim? No possibility of triangulation. 

[Kassia]

3 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

I think the most disarming, de-escalating thing you can do is resume being your typical gracious, loving self. Be genuine. [eta - I mean the way you’ve always been to them - not grudging and not extravagant.) You are only responsible for your own attitude and behavior - you are not responsible for how she decides to go from here. 

 

3 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

I think it’s in your best interest to text them as a pair. That way she knows he knows exactly what you said, kwim? No possibility of triangulation. 

This is exactly what I did and I feel good about it.

I just worry now about years down the road when ds1 and gf are reminiscing with their kids/my grandkids about the time "grandma Kassia kicked us out of the house."  Because I'm sure they will always see it that way.  

[freesia]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

 

This is exactly what I did and I feel good about it.

I just worry now about years down the road when ds1 and gf are reminiscing with their kids/my grandkids about the time "grandma Kassia kicked us out of the house."  Because I'm sure they will always see it that way.  

Well, you can’t control the stories they will tell, you know that. But really, I think it will fade in importance and may even somehow become a funny story. I don’t think any grandchildren will hold it against you in any way if you are warm and loving to them. Try to let it go and not worry about what might happen. These decisions are hard and exhausting. 

[Starr]

Navigating this is so painful. I'm sorry you are going through it. You were correct about the covid. We have friends who went through this situation and the adult kids did get covid at an inlaw holiday gathering. Your kids are just mad they can't do what they want and taking it out on you instead of good planning. I would send gifts as you usually would. They can carry on to themselves about how they like them or not. But they will know you are being nice. 

[Bambam]

20 hours ago, Bootsie said:

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.  It is worrisome to think that you might have been exposed and stressful and sad to have a tense situation with your son/girlfriend.  I would try to not focus much on the fact that the gf did not come back in to say goodbye.  If I were in a situation in which someone said that they weren't comfortable with my being in their home because of possible COVID exposure, I would try to leave as quickly as possible and I would probably not go back in to say goodbye, increasing the risk of exposure.  

This. I would be uncertain what the best thing to do is. I take meals to some shut-ins. Should I offer to come inside and put it in their kitchen (hard for them to get up/walker/etc) or should I just wait till they can make it to the door? If they seem to want to talk, should I stay and chat for a while? It's so hard to figure out the right thing to do - it helps so much if the other person is frank about what they are comfortable with. I'm good with anything usually, but I'm not sure everyone is frank and forthright about what they are comfortable with. I mean, you probably don't want to hurt the feelings of someone doing you a favor?  But it won't with me! I'd be happy to just leave it by the door and wave at you through your window!

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, Bambam said:

This. I would be uncertain what the best thing to do is. I

My son knew I was uncomfortable with the risk of exposure long before the party.  I don't know if gf knew or not.  But I do think that she could have texted to say goodbye if she really was concerned about coming back in the house and making me uncomfortable instead of just leaving with a lot of drama.  But it's over and done with and we will move on.  To me, the relationship is always the most important thing and I want to maintain that even if it's not the relationship I always wanted/hoped for.

 

[ktgrok]

23 hours ago, Kassia said:

 

Thanks!  I don't know why I didn't even think about this.  When they moved two years ago, we sent a Bed, Bath, and Beyond gift card (a generous amount for us) and ds1 told me on our weekly phone call that they "got the gift card."  No thank you or anything...good grief, they are difficult.  It might be hard to convince DH to go for another housewarming gift.  

Could he be a bit near the spectrum, as it were? I could see my oldest, who has Aspergers, saying that and thinking it WAS the thank you. In his mind (and we've had this exact conversation...more than once, lol) of COURSE he's thankful to get it, anyone would be, that is obvious, so it doesn't make sense to actually say the words "thank you" out loud, because you would of course KNOW that if he got it, he's thankful for it. Seriously, he's explained it to me, and thinks I'm crazy to require the actual words. But, now that we've had the conversation and I explained that even if it seems ridiculous, that is the social expectation, he will say them. And he does mean them, he just thinks it is silly to say them, lol. 

In other words, assume miscommunication rather than ill will or a lack of appreciation. 

(man...brings back memories of me SCREAMING in frustration at my son, "Don't you know how to act grateful?!?!". My question was meant to be rhetorical...except it turned out that no, he did NOT know how to "act" grateful. His lack of expressing it in normal terms was not indicative of feeling or not feeling grateful. 

So before jumping to entitlement, maybe consider it is a failure to understand the importance of expressing the feeling, rather than a lack of having the feeling. Simply say, without judgement or scolding, "I am sure you appreciated the gift, cause of course, lol, but people really like to hear you say it, or they doubt themselves. So I'd appreciate it if you could go through the motions of saying thank you, just so I don't second guess myself later when gift giving, you know?"

(as an aside, my father does SAY thank you, and that he likes a gift, but he SOUNDS very underwhelmed so people always think he is just being polite and doesn't like the gift - but for him saying ANYTHING is a sign of HUGE emotion...sometimes you can't win, lol)

[ktgrok]

Also, she may have been angry at herself, not you, and just acting out. Some people do that. For a long time I would think my now DH was angry at me when he acted in a huff like that - until one day I said something and he was flabbergasted I thought that. He was angry at HIMSELF, not me. Again, try to assume positive intent, and that she was if nothing else, mostly mad at  Covid and the situation, not you in particular. 

[Halftime Hope]

2 hours ago, Kassia said:

My son knew I was uncomfortable with the risk of exposure long before the party.  I don't know if gf knew or not.  But I do think that she could have texted to say goodbye if she really was concerned about coming back in the house and making me uncomfortable instead of just leaving with a lot of drama.  But it's over and done with and we will move on.  To me, the relationship is always the most important thing and I want to maintain that even if it's not the relationship I always wanted/hoped for.

 

The bolded is, I think, the essence of parent/adult offspring relationships. We do the best we can with the hand we've been dealt, always, always communicating love.  This is something I'm learning to do.

We parents still have the option of continuing to take first steps (and ongoing steps) to preserve relationships, even though it should not have to be that way, i.e. one sided. 

For example, you could sending a small handwritten snail-mail note congratulating them on their new place, wishing them well in it, and expressing love for them.  If it were me, I'd tuck in a separate sheet with a note saying something like, "I'm so sad that the COVID exposure, combined with our temporary inability to take any risks, interrupted your visit, something we really desired. We love both of you and are looking forward to a return to more normal times and less stressful circumstances.  I put this on a separate note, and I'd be pleased if you threw it away after reading, because I believe there is happiness in choosing to forget the disappointing things, and focusing on remembering the good: we love you both, are so happy you have each other, and we wish you the best in your new apartment. All our love, [Kassia and husband]"  

 

 

 

Edited January 1, 2022 by Halftime Hope

[catz]

I agree maintaining the relationship is most important.  Humans of all ages are imperfect and when the unexpected happens they can act in strange ways and when we're stressed we can perceive actions in weird ways.  I would attempt to move on like it didn't happen, maybe express excitement when you can visit each other again and move forward.  You're a good mom!  ❤️ 

[Kassia]

17 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Could he be a bit near the spectrum, as it were? I could see my oldest, who has Aspergers, saying that and thinking it WAS the thank you. In his mind (and we've had this exact conversation...more than once, lol) of COURSE he's thankful to get it, anyone would be, that is obvious, so it doesn't make sense to actually say the words "thank you" out loud, because you would of course KNOW that if he got it, he's thankful for it. Seriously, he's explained it to me, and thinks I'm crazy to require the actual words. But, now that we've had the conversation and I explained that even if it seems ridiculous, that is the social expectation, he will say them. And he does mean them, he just thinks it is silly to say them, lol. 

In other words, assume miscommunication rather than ill will or a lack of appreciation. 

(man...brings back memories of me SCREAMING in frustration at my son, "Don't you know how to act grateful?!?!". My question was meant to be rhetorical...except it turned out that no, he did NOT know how to "act" grateful. His lack of expressing it in normal terms was not indicative of feeling or not feeling grateful. 

So before jumping to entitlement, maybe consider it is a failure to understand the importance of expressing the feeling, rather than a lack of having the feeling. Simply say, without judgement or scolding, "I am sure you appreciated the gift, cause of course, lol, but people really like to hear you say it, or they doubt themselves. So I'd appreciate it if you could go through the motions of saying thank you, just so I don't second guess myself later when gift giving, you know?"

(as an aside, my father does SAY thank you, and that he likes a gift, but he SOUNDS very underwhelmed so people always think he is just being polite and doesn't like the gift - but for him saying ANYTHING is a sign of HUGE emotion...sometimes you can't win, lol)

Hmm...this is something to think about.  He doesn't really have any other qualities of ASD other than a disturbing lack of empathy.  I do have a son on the spectrum who does express appreciation for things, though.  

But ds1 has told us many times that he doesn't like gifts.  He certainly enjoys thoughtful gifts we give him but he doesn't like gifts just given because it's his birthday or Christmas or whatever.  And there are certain things I know he likes and those are always hits.  He's delighted with some gifts. 

ETA:  his gf never thanks us for anything unless it's in person.  she doesn't acknowledge any gifts we send at all.  

 

 

15 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Also, she may have been angry at herself, not you, and just acting out. Some people do that. For a long time I would think my now DH was angry at me when he acted in a huff like that - until one day I said something and he was flabbergasted I thought that. He was angry at HIMSELF, not me. Again, try to assume positive intent, and that she was if nothing else, mostly mad at  Covid and the situation, not you in particular. 

I might think that if this were an isolated incident, but she does have a history of creating drama.  I always feel appreciative that she comes to stay with us since we obviously cause her a lot of stress and we drive her crazy after a while, so I am understanding if/when she has a meltdown.  She's even done it on family vacations when she and ds1 have had their own rooms and the freedom to do whatever activities they wanted all day.  Eventually, we must make her crazy but I accept that because I'm grateful that they join us at all.

 

Edited January 1, 2022 by Kassia

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, Halftime Hope said:

The bolded is, I think, the essence of parent/adult offspring relationships. We do the best we can with the hand we've been dealt, always, always communicating love.  This is something I'm learning to do.

We parents still have the option of continuing to take first steps (and ongoing steps) to preserve relationships, even though it should not have to be that way, i.e. one sided. 

For example, you could sending a small handwritten snail-mail note congratulating them on their new place, wishing them well in it, and expressing love for them.  If it were me, I'd tuck in a separate sheet with a note saying something like, "I'm so sad that the COVID exposure, combined with our temporary inability to take any risks, interrupted your visit, something we really desired. We love both of you and are looking forward to a return to more normal times and less stressful circumstances.  I put this on a separate note, and I'd be pleased if you threw it away after reading, because I believe there is happiness in choosing to forget the disappointing things, and focusing on remembering the good: we love you both, are so happy you have each other, and we wish you the best in your new apartment. All our love, [Kassia and husband]"  

 

 

 

Thank you - this is really beautiful and I can't imagine how they would be offended by it.

My own mother and I were estranged.  My MIL/FIL had a very distant relationship with us until FIL died and suddenly MIL needed DH's help with everything.  But she still completely ignores her grandkids and does nothing to keep a relationship with them.  I'll never understand that.  I'd do just about anything to maintain a relationship with my kids, their SOs, and my grandchildren.  

 

[Halftime Hope]

6 minutes ago, Kassia said:

Thank you - this is really beautiful and I can't imagine how they would be offended by it.

My own mother and I were estranged.  My MIL/FIL had a very distant relationship with us until FIL died and suddenly MIL needed DH's help with everything.  But she still completely ignores her grandkids and does nothing to keep a relationship with them.  I'll never understand that.  I'd do just about anything to maintain a relationship with my kids, their SOs, and my grandchildren.  

 

Like I said, I'm learning this the hard way.  I'm moderately extroverted, and somehow I ended up with three adult family members (one kid and two spouses) who are flaming introverts. Boy, is that difficult to navigate! 

ETA:  I see your motivation and share it.  Similar circumstances in my family.  I so wanted to avoid what happened in prior generations of my family, but I think it's going to be an uphill battle, one that requires intentionality and persistence.  

I have co-workers my kids' ages who invite me to eat lunch with them and pop by my office to chat, so it's not that I'm "mom-zilla". I wish my kids could see that. 

Whee...the human condition...

 

 

Edited January 1, 2022 by Halftime Hope

[Kassia]

@ktgrok a couple more things

gf has a degree in psychology and a master's degree in human resources (that's her career) so I would think she should be able to navigate communication and relationships better.

ds1 is incredibly selfish/self-centered, etc. in addition to the lack of empathy.  I'm thinking more about the spectrum idea but I just don't see it anywhere else like I do with my other son.  Interesting perspective, though.  

[Katy]

17 minutes ago, Kassia said:

@ktgrok a couple more things

gf has a degree in psychology and a master's degree in human resources (that's her career) so I would think she should be able to navigate communication and relationships better.

ds1 is incredibly selfish/self-centered, etc. in addition to the lack of empathy.  I'm thinking more about the spectrum idea but I just don't see it anywhere else like I do with my other son.  Interesting perspective, though.  

I have one friend who has a masters in HR and has worked in it for maybe 15-20 years. She has terrible people skills. She’s very good at doing and saying the legal & politically correct thing, but she doesn’t understand actually having a normal friendship and never has. I think I met her in 7th grade. She’s got good intentions but has always been awkward, in her head, and is more likely to be condescending than assume the best of anyone. My point is, I think HR attracts people who are better at rules than relationships.