Having a conversation about something after the moment

[Ginevra]

It’s an awkward title, I know. But I was faced with something awkward and, I feel, not right, and, while it’s not a big huge deal, I find I want the person to know I was pretty bothered by this. So, first, the situation:

This person (not a family member) presented me, on my birthday - which was in April, y’all - with a *GIFT BAG*, containing several French movies; even remarked that a couple of those “were hard to come by.” The person knows I like all things French and I thought it was very thoughtful. 
 

So. Here we are, eight months out from my birthday, the topic of movies comes up with this person and literally, I was asked if I was finished watching the movies and could return them. Mic. Dropped. Mind. Boggled. 
 

Now, I will say, I don’t particularly care about the movies. I watched most of them and, other than Harry Potter movies, I almost never re-watch movies; it’s a low-priority entertainment for me so *shrug* giving them back is no big deal. It’s the not-really-a-gift-even-though-anyone-would-figure-it-was aspect that I find offensive. 
 

I plan to return the movies and am even going to literally put them back in the same gift bag, with tissue paper. But I am strongly considering coming clean with this person and saying it feels quite uncomfortable to me that something given to me on my birthday in a gift bag was being “lent” to me. Would you? I mean, it’s bound to be awkward as hell and they will probably try to give them back to me like, “Geez! I didn’t know it was such a big deal!” But now I 100% do not want the movies in my house a day longer than necessary. What is more it makes me not want to receive anything from them in future. 

[fraidycat]

I would be bothered, too. If they did not make it clear that they were on loan, then they were in the wrong and it feels like a set-up of some sort.

I don't know that I would say anything to the person right now - I guess it depends on what the end-goal would be in having the conversation. I might mention something when returning about keeping them so long with an explanation "With the gift bag and all, I was under the impression that these were my birthday gift. Apparently there was some miscommunication, so that's why I didn't get them back to you sooner."

In the future, if I were to receive another "gift" from this person, I would absolutely confront them right then and there and clarify whether the item is a loan or mine to keep.

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

I would be bothered, too. If they did not make it clear that they were on loan, then they were in the wrong and it feels like a set-up of some sort.

I don't know that I would say anything to the person right now - I guess it depends on what the end-goal would be in having the conversation. I might mention something when returning about keeping them so long with an explanation "With the gift bag and all, I was under the impression that these were my birthday gift. Apparently there was some miscommunication, so that's why I didn't get them back to you sooner."

In the future, if I were to receive another "gift" from this person, I would absolutely confront them right then and there and clarify whether the item is a loan or mine to keep.

I agree with all of this.  That is bizarre!  

This reminds me of something that happened when dd was born.  My in-laws came to the hospital with a GAP bag and presented the bag to us as if it were a gift for dd (with a congratulations card).  We opened the bag and it was...a very old plastic diaper cover that matched a very old dress.  I assume it belonged to my SIL when she was a baby but it didn't have any kind of sentimental value to pass it down or anything.  They acted like they were giving us a great gift and it was so awkward.  It was an old stained dress.  DH and I were stunned and still talk about it today (dd is 19).  It's not like dd was a surprise - they knew about the pregnancy for almost 7 1/2 months! 

 

 

[Katy]

“Oh, I’m sorry.  You said that was a birthday gift so after I watched them I passed them on to a friend. If they were loaned you might want to offer to loan them instead of presenting them in a gift bag as a birthday present.”

[Catwoman]

13 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

I would be bothered, too. If they did not make it clear that they were on loan, then they were in the wrong and it feels like a set-up of some sort.

I don't know that I would say anything to the person right now - I guess it depends on what the end-goal would be in having the conversation. I might mention something when returning about keeping them so long with an explanation "With the gift bag and all, I was under the impression that these were my birthday gift. Apparently there was some miscommunication, so that's why I didn't get them back to you sooner."

In the future, if I were to receive another "gift" from this person, I would absolutely confront them right then and there and clarify whether the item is a loan or mine to keep.

I think this is the perfect way to handle it!

[Murphy101]

27 minutes ago, Quill said:

It’s an awkward title, I know. But I was faced with something awkward and, I feel, not right, and, while it’s not a big huge deal, I find I want the person to know I was pretty bothered by this. So, first, the situation:

This person (not a family member) presented me, on my birthday - which was in April, y’all - with a *GIFT BAG*, containing several French movies; even remarked that a couple of those “were hard to come by.” The person knows I like all things French and I thought it was very thoughtful. 
 

So. Here we are, eight months out from my birthday, the topic of movies comes up with this person and literally, I was asked if I was finished watching the movies and could return them. Mic. Dropped. Mind. Boggled. 
 

Now, I will say, I don’t particularly care about the movies. I watched most of them and, other than Harry Potter movies, I almost never re-watch movies; it’s a low-priority entertainment for me so *shrug* giving them back is no big deal. It’s the not-really-a-gift-even-though-anyone-would-figure-it-was aspect that I find offensive. 
 

I plan to return the movies and am even going to literally put them back in the same gift bag, with tissue paper. But I am strongly considering coming clean with this person and saying it feels quite uncomfortable to me that something given to me on my birthday in a gift bag was being “lent” to me. Would you? I mean, it’s bound to be awkward as hell and they will probably try to give them back to me like, “Geez! I didn’t know it was such a big deal!” But now I 100% do not want the movies in my house a day longer than necessary. What is more it makes me not want to receive anything from them in future. 

I’d start the conversation by expressing my genuine shock bc I had no idea it was a lent item. I’d tell them point blank that I never want to borrow anything bc it’s extremely stressful to worry about not losing it, damaging it, or whatever which can happen easily and frequently in my life.  Seriously. In my house dvds are shared amount all of us and half of “us” do t even live here, some aren’t even in state. Since so many newer dvds  include a download code, we just don’t care about the physical dvd like people might have 10 years ago.  Never minding that my goodness, I had no idea there was a time limit on watching the dvds.  Most of our movie watching is as a family so it could take a good long while for me to get through my own stuff that no one else wants to watch. 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Katy said:

“Oh, I’m sorry.  You said that was a birthday gift so after I watched them I passed them on to a friend. If they were loaned you might want to offer to loan them instead of presenting them in a gift bag as a birthday present.”

This is what I would *want* to say, but unless I really wanted to alienate the person, I would just give the "gift" back to her and say exactly what fraidycat suggested. It would be different if Quill actually loved the movies and planned to keep them, but as it is, they probably mean a lot more to that other person, so I would just let her have them. I would definitely never view her the same way again, though, because this strikes me as a weasel deal.

Something seems wonky here, like the person originally meant the movies to be a gift, but then she got annoyed at Quill for something and now she regrets having given them to her.

Very weird!!! And tacky!!!

[Shoeless]

My mom gave me a pair of diamond and aquamarine earrings for my wedding. They were hers and she made a point if saying I could keep them. I declined, she insisted, I thanked her profusely for the gift.

Several months later, she made a big, stinky point of asking for the earrings I "borrowed" back. There was some stuff said about me being self-absorbed, greedy, lazy, etc because I had not returned them promptly.  Hmm. 

I gave them back and didn't say anything more about it. I couldn't figure out a way to have a productive conversation about the earrings.  Instead, I filed the info away and remind myself that my mother is weird about "gifts" and generous offers are not what they seem. 

I probably would not say anything into your acquaintance about the "gift". Return it, say thanks, and file the info away that they are weird. 

 

[Katy]

Just now, Catwoman said:

This is what I would *want* to say, but unless I really wanted to alienate the person, I would just give the "gift" back to her and say exactly what fraidycat suggested. It would be different if Quill actually loved the movies and planned to keep them, but as it is, they probably mean a lot more to that other person, so I would just let her have them. I would definitely never view her the same way again, though, because this strikes me as a weasel deal.

Something seems wonky here, like the person originally meant the movies to be a gift, but then she got annoyed at Quill for something and now she regrets having given them to her.

Very weird!!! And tacky!!!

You’re absolutely right, I’m just feeling a little salty tonight. 

Entitled child’s attitude 2 days before getting a bunch more stuff + hearing a horror story from a former coworker who was attacked while nursing (she quit her job & was immediately hired to the children’s hospital so she will be fine) + worry about a family member with diabetes and heart failure’s exposure to Covid.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Something seems wonky here, like the person originally meant the movies to be a gift, but then she got annoyed at Quill for something and now she regrets having given them to her.

I think it was regret. Because I have said I’m not a big movie-watcher; I’m a reader. Most movies I watch are documentaries (or Harry Potter, which I half-watch as a veg activity.) Anyway, I think saying that about movies invoked regret. I think it was actually intended as a gift on my birthday; it was thinking they didn’t go to a movie-lover that caused the regret. 

[footballmom]

That is super weird and I would feel boggled by it.  Has this person done anything weird around gifts before? I probably wouldn’t say anything this time, but the next time something was offered to me (is it a gift. Is it a loan?), I would say right there on the spot “when would you like this back?” to make a point of clarifying their expectations, 

[teachermom2834]

2 minutes ago, Quill said:

I think it was regret. Because I have said I’m not a big movie-watcher; I’m a reader. Most movies I watch are documentaries (or Harry Potter, which I half-watch as a veg activity.) Anyway, I think saying that about movies invoked regret. I think it was actually intended as a gift on my birthday; it was thinking they didn’t go to a movie-lover that caused the regret. 

I think this is likely what happened. Your OP reminded me of some situations with my MIL around gifts and weirdness. She has taken gifts back when they were under appreciated in her opinion. She gave them and then regretted it. 
 

 

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I’d start the conversation by expressing my genuine shock bc I had no idea it was a lent item. I’d tell them point blank that I never want to borrow anything bc it’s extremely stressful to worry about not losing it, damaging it, or whatever which can happen easily and frequently in my life.  Seriously. In my house dvds are shared amount all of us and half of “us” do t even live here, some aren’t even in state. Since so many newer dvds  include a download code, we just don’t care about the physical dvd like people might have 10 years ago.  Never minding that my goodness, I had no idea there was a time limit on watching the dvds.  Most of our movie watching is as a family so it could take a good long while for me to get through my own stuff that no one else wants to watch. 

I totally agree, and in general, I agree with the old proverb about neither a lender nor borrower be.  I very rarely lend anything unless, in my mind, I’m giving it away (I have been burned…) and I rarely ask to borrow anything because I don’t want to worry about caring for other people’s stuff; it’s enough to worry about my own stuff. 

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, footballmom said:

 I probably wouldn’t say anything this time, but the next time something was offered to me (is it a gift. Is it a loan?), I would say right there on the spot “when would you like this back?” to make a point of clarifying their expectations, 

Love this!

[SKL]

1) I think the problem isn't that this wasn't a gift, but that you weren't told at the time that they'd want it back.  I personally don't think it's right to discount the fact that lending you the movies is a kindness.  And a kindness is a gift.

2) It's also possible they did not realize they were going to ask for it back when they "gave" it to you.  And dare I say it's even possible they did try to tell you it was a loan, but you didn't understand them.

3) I would simply assume that anything they ever "gift" you in the future is a loan.  Ask them "when do you need this back?"

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, footballmom said:

That is super weird and I would feel boggled by it.  Has this person done anything weird around gifts before? I probably wouldn’t say anything this time, but the next time something was offered to me (is it a gift. Is it a loan?), I would say right there on the spot “when would you like this back?” to make a point of clarifying their expectations, 

This is the most “severe” iteration, but yes, there have been a couple weird issues before. In one instance, they were planning to move and offered a piece of furniture to me; I said I was interested and asked what amount of money they hoped to get. We settled on a couple hundred dollars. There was another much smaller item that I also said would be handy, though we didn’t actually talk about that. So they “gave” me the smaller item but changed their mind about the furniture. So now I had the piddly thing but not the furniture. Then they asked me if I was going to give them some money for the piddly thing. I said no, never mind; it’s not really the right thing for me after all and I brought it back to them immediately. 
 

The history is a lot of why I don’t really want to file it away as a lesson learned and would rather be forthright and put cards on the table. Because I didn’t think “learning the lesson” would mean that a gift on my birthday was actually a loan. 

[Katy]

Just now, Quill said:

This is the most “severe” iteration, but yes, there have been a couple weird issues before. In one instance, they were planning to move and offered a piece of furniture to me; I said I was interested and asked what amount of money they hoped to get. We settled on a couple hundred dollars. There was another much smaller item that I also said would be handy, though we didn’t actually talk about that. So they “gave” me the smaller item but changed their mind about the furniture. So now I had the piddly thing but not the furniture. Then they asked me if I was going to give them some money for the piddly thing. I said no, never mind; it’s not really the right thing for me after all and I brought it back to them immediately. 
 

The history is a lot of why I don’t really want to file it away as a lesson learned and would rather be forthright and put cards on the table. Because I didn’t think “learning the lesson” would mean that a gift on my birthday was actually a loan. 

This reminds me of one of my friends. Her MIL used to go to garage and estate sales and buy the cheapest broken & stained stuff that should have been trashed instead of sold. Then she would bring it over like a gift and demand my friend pay her for it. 

[Moonhawk]

So I have a completely different incident that happened this week that I'll need to revisit. My details aren't important, but I'll be opening up the conversation (after pleasantries about "How was your Christmas?" etc) with, "So I have to apologize bringing this up again, but last week I was a bit caught off guard when you mentioned ~~~. I should have answered more clearly in the moment, but I just wanted to let you know now that..." and then go into what I should have said at the time but was too shocked to say. 

I really don't know what I would do in your position (return all but the hardest to find one, and include a thank you card for the wonderful gift, maybe??) but maybe some of the introductory fluff will be helpful to you, too. 

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, SKL said:

1) I think the problem isn't that this wasn't a gift, but that you weren't told at the time that they'd want it back.  I personally don't think it's right to discount the fact that lending you the movies is a kindness.  And a kindness is a gift.

2) It's also possible they did not realize they were going to ask for it back when they "gave" it to you.  And dare I say it's even possible they did try to tell you it was a loan, but you didn't understand them.

3) I would simply assume that anything they ever "gift" you in the future is a loan.  Ask them "when do you need this back?"

Anything’s possible. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If I were lending movies to someone, though, I wouldn’t present it to them on their birthday in a gift bag with lavender tissue paper in it. I hardly think I was jumping to conclusions to think they were being given to me permanently. 

[Guest]

So I have to apologize bringing this up again, but last week I was a bit caught off guard when you mentioned ~~~. I should have answered more clearly in the moment, but I just wanted to let you know now that..." 

 

I actually really like something close to that for bringing up this gift thing. I like the part of saying I was caught off guard and didn’t respond clearly at the time. Combining that with some of what @fraidycat said would perhaps reduce the awkwardness some. 

[SKL]

Yeah I really wouldn't bring it up like that unless I wanted to end the friendship.

Some things, yeah, but to complain about gift giving type things, no.

Maybe while returning the gift, say, "sorry I kept it so long, but I misunderstood and thought it was a gift for me to keep."

[*****]

You guys are so good at wording things, I just have to say I wish I could think on my feet like you do! Following this thread to 'take lessons'!

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, SKL said:

Yeah I really wouldn't bring it up like that unless I wanted to end the friendship.

Some things, yeah, but to complain about gift giving type things, no.

Maybe while returning the gift, say, "sorry I kept it so long, but I misunderstood and thought it was a gift for me to keep."

Really? See, I’ve come to think differently at this point in my life, having spent the first four decades always trying to keep everyone else from disliking the words coming out of my mouth. I ve come to think it’s much better to be direct and address it. Otherwise it takes on a walking-on-eggshells quality. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, ***** said:

You guys are so good at wording things, I just have to say I wish I could think on my feet like you do! Following this thread to 'take lessons'!

Right?? I don’t think on my feet that well (at all!) when I am shocked or surprised by someone. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Agreeing with fraidycat’s advice….but, bigger picture, we all know this isn’t normal, right? So now we are dealing with how do we handle interactions with the Not Normal. The reality is I think whatever you say or not say will not translate well to the Not Normal person…so say what you want only if it helps You feel better, set boundaries, etc. 

I’ve BTDT, and I have never come away with a good interaction, whether they gave me something or not. There’s drama no matter what if we interact because that is how the Not Normal person works, and what they really want.

[El...]

7 minutes ago, SKL said:

Yeah I really wouldn't bring it up like that unless I wanted to end the friendship.

Some things, yeah, but to complain about gift giving type things, no.

Maybe while returning the gift, say, "sorry I kept it so long, but I misunderstood and thought it was a gift for me to keep."

This. I would have returned a loan far sooner! I would be feeling so embarrassed that I kept them this long, if they weren't a gift! I'd use that language, "embarrassed." Because they're definitely being weird. 

[Selkie]

That’s odd.

Does this person usually get you a birthday gift? Is it possible they really were just lending them to you and you misunderstood? (Just looking for any possible explanation here.)

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, elroisees said:

This. I would have returned a loan far sooner! I would be feeling so embarrassed that I kept them this long, if they weren't a gift! I'd use that language, "embarrassed." Because they're definitely being weird. 

But it *wasnt* presented as a loan! Literally was told *today*, eight months after my birthday, that they want the movies back. 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Selkie said:

That’s odd.

Does this person usually get you a birthday gift? Is it possible they really were just lending them to you and you misunderstood? (Just looking for any possible explanation here.)

They haven’t been in my life long enough for me to know. This was my first birthday as their friend.

[Tanaqui]

Wow, this person has some nerve.

[Shoeless]

9 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Agreeing with fraidycat’s advice….but, bigger picture, we all know this isn’t normal, right? So now we are dealing with how do we handle interactions with the Not Normal. The reality is I think whatever you say or not say will not translate well to the Not Normal person…so say what you want only if it helps You feel better, set boundaries, etc. 

I’ve BTDT, and I have never come away with a good interaction, whether they gave me something or not. There’s drama no matter what if we interact because that is how the Not Normal person works, and what they really want.

This right here. The odds are that whatever you say won't be received well. This is their S.O.P..  Does it make *your* life easier to say something? If so, get it off your chest. But it probably won't fix their weirdness about "gifts". 

[math teacher]

That was really weird and wrong of your friend. Even more so if you guys regularly exchange gifts.

[fraidycat]

20 minutes ago, SKL said:

Yeah I really wouldn't bring it up like that unless I wanted to end the friendship.

Some things, yeah, but to complain about gift giving type things, no.

Maybe while returning the gift, say, "sorry I kept it so long, but I misunderstood and thought it was a gift for me to keep."

I would try very hard to NOT apologize, being as this is not, in any way, @Quill's fault. Being Canadian (yes we apologize for everything 😂), it took a good bit for me to come up with the wording above because I wanted to convey that the other person was in the wrong in a delicate way that does not create bigger drama for Quill in the long run.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, MissLemon said:

This right here. The odds are that whatever you say won't be received well. This is their S.O.P..  Does it make *your* life easier to say something? If so, get it off your chest. But it probably won't fix their weirdness about "gifts". 

That does give me clarity. I realize that I don’t care if they react poorly. I didn’t do anything wrong. I *will* try to be nice in the way I say it but I’m going to tell the person I interpreted it as a gift and was caught by surprise to learn they wanted them back. 🤷🏻‍♀️ That’s the truth; deal with it. 

[Harriet Vane]

Similar happened to me. A friend offered me some furniture. She was crystal clear that she was getting rid of it and I should feel free to paint it or whatever. (I didn’t paint it—planned to do so and didn’t get around to it.) I took two little 2-drawer end tables and used them in my bedroom for more than a year. They were the perfect size for the tiny space in that room and I had various items perfectly organized in the different little drawers. Friend asked for them back!?! I brought them back immediately, like within a day. A month or so later she mentioned they hadn’t really worked out in the space as she hoped so she donated them to Goodwill?!?!! Which is probably just as well as I was so flummoxed by the take-backsies that I no longer wanted anything to do with them.

[Garga]

45 minutes ago, SKL said:

 

Maybe while returning the gift, say, "sorry I kept it so long, but I misunderstood and thought it was a gift for me to keep."

I like the above wording, except I’d delete the word “misunderstood”. Sorry I kept it so long. I thought it was a gift for me to keep.

 

At first I thought there might have been a miscommunication, but then I read this

1 hour ago, Quill said:

This is the most “severe” iteration, but yes, there have been a couple weird issues before. In one instance, they were planning to move and offered a piece of furniture to me; I said I was interested and asked what amount of money they hoped to get. We settled on a couple hundred dollars. There was another much smaller item that I also said would be handy, though we didn’t actually talk about that. So they “gave” me the smaller item but changed their mind about the furniture. So now I had the piddly thing but not the furniture. Then they asked me if I was going to give them some money for the piddly thing. I said no, never mind; it’s not really the right thing for me after all and I brought it back to them immediately. 
 

The history is a lot of why I don’t really want to file it away as a lesson learned and would rather be forthright and put cards on the table. Because I didn’t think “learning the lesson” would mean that a gift on my birthday was actually a loan. 

Now, there still might be a miscommunication. One thing I’ve learned from The Hive is that some people really do expect you to read their minds, and they live in a world of subtle subtexts that they think everyone else will understand because in their FOO, they all understood.

Either way, this needs to stop. If it’s a miscommunication, then they need to know that you do not understand their subtexts so they’ll have to speak frankly to you from here on out.

If it’s not a miscommunication, then it’s a bunch of passive-aggressive baloney and it’s time for you to confront it head on and stop it. It’s not about making you feel better and it’s not about whether the other person understands. It’s about being 50 years old and being done with putting up with BS. 

Either way, the above wording covers both scenarios.

 

Edited December 24, 2021 by Garga

[footballmom]

It sounds like this is a fairly new friend since it was the first pseudo birthday gift loaned 🤣, and it sounds like it is important to you to draw a line on the behavior that isn’t acceptable to you (very understandable).  

[SKL]

Well, we all know that there's sorry and there's sorry.  Anyone with a brain knows that sorry means, in some contexts, I'm sorry YOU are an idiot.  Kinda like "bless your heart."

And anyone without a brain isn't going to get it no matter how it's worded.

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, SKL said:

Well, we all know that there's sorry and there's sorry.  Anyone with a brain knows that sorry means, in some contexts, I'm sorry YOU are an idiot.  Kinda like "bless your heart."

And anyone without a brain isn't going to get it no matter how it's worded.

“I’m sorry you’re an idiot.” 😄 That belongs on a tee shirt. 

[HS Mom in NC]

8 minutes ago, Quill said:

“I’m sorry you’re an idiot.” 😄 That belongs on a tee shirt. 

And "I'm, sorry your idiocy is affecting me."

[MercyA]

4 hours ago, Quill said:

In one instance, they were planning to move and offered a piece of furniture to me; I said I was interested and asked what amount of money they hoped to get. We settled on a couple hundred dollars. There was another much smaller item that I also said would be handy, though we didn’t actually talk about that. So they “gave” me the smaller item but changed their mind about the furniture. So now I had the piddly thing but not the furniture. Then they asked me if I was going to give them some money for the piddly thing.

5 hours ago, Quill said:

I think it was regret. Because I have said I’m not a big movie-watcher; I’m a reader. Most movies I watch are documentaries (or Harry Potter, which I half-watch as a veg activity.) Anyway, I think saying that about movies invoked regret. I think it was actually intended as a gift on my birthday; it was thinking they didn’t go to a movie-lover that caused the regret. 

I agree with everyone else that this is odd and rude behavior. That said, I think you *might* be dealing with someone who is not neuro-typical or who has OCD. 

It seems that your friend is a. overthinking everything and b. wanting everything to be perfect (in their mind) instead of just letting things go.

I can imagine, as a person with OCD, something like this: They found out you're not a movie lover. They think about you having the "hard to come by" movies and it *bothers* them. They can't just let it go; they have to get the movies back so they can go to a worthier owner. That sounds ridiculous to most people, and it is. They're just movies, and not only that, they were given as a gift and you don't ask for gifts back. But some people's brains have a strong need for things to be resolved to their satisfaction.

Re: the furniture. It didn't seem "right" in their mind that you should have the piddly thing for free when they saw it as a package deal. Again, really strange, since they are the one who asked for the other furniture back. But they have to try to "fix it" in their mind by asking for money for the piddly thing, because it *really bothers* them. 

I really think this could be a possibility. My younger and unmedicated self did something like this once and was tempted to do it another time. It wasn't logical or important, but it seemed so at the time, and my rudeness wasn't as important to me as "fixing" the situation. 

Or your friend could just be unthinking and rude. 🙂 

Edited December 24, 2021 by MercyA

[SKL]

Oh, I didn't notice earlier that you told them you don't really like movies.  Not sure that was the best thing to say to someone who gave you hard-to-find French movies for your birthday.  It would seem like they gave you a thoughtful gift which you didn't appreciate.  At least some people would read it that way.  I've seen other times when someone indicated they didn't like a gift, and the giver said, well then give it back, as I know others who will enjoy having it.

[Carrie12345]

Super duper weird red flag behavior, and I can’t wait for an update!

I used to think I was deficient in understanding people. That was before I learned just how strange people actually are.
Well, I still sometimes don’t get people, and I can be strange, but the point is that I didn’t know just how far off in lala land some people live.

I had (okay, have) a MIL who rented multiple storage units full of random crap, and gave us some furniture from one when we were starting out. Nothing remarkable, just old and functional.  Maybe mid-80s, mass manufactured, floral. All hell broke loose years later when we were finally able to afford to replace it, but didn’t return it.  It was all shot! 4 or 5 kids, multiple pets… it had gone through the wringer. It didn’t need to go back to storage for a few more decades. It wasn’t even in donation condition! But she sure was pissed!

Then I sent ALL of my baby gear to SIL, who was living with her, because who wouldn’t do that in any situation, let alone for an unexpected pregnancy in a financially strained situation? But FIL said not one single thing was ever used.

So I still have no idea how their brains work when it comes to giving or receiving things. 

[Kassia]

7 hours ago, MercyA said:

I agree with everyone else that this is odd and rude behavior. That said, I think you *might* be dealing with someone who is not neuro-typical or who has OCD. 

It seems that your friend is a. overthinking everything and b. wanting everything to be perfect (in their mind) instead of just letting things go.

I can imagine, as a person with OCD, something like this: They found out you're not a movie lover. They think about you having the "hard to come by" movies and it *bothers* them. They can't just let it go; they have to get the movies back so they can go to a worthier owner. That sounds ridiculous to most people, and it is. They're just movies, and not only that, they were given as a gift and you don't ask for gifts back. But some people's brains have a strong need for things to be resolved to their satisfaction.

Re: the furniture. It didn't seem "right" in their mind that you should have the piddly thing for free when they saw it as a package deal. Again, really strange, since they are the one who asked for the other furniture back. But they have to try to "fix it" in their mind by asking for money for the piddly thing, because it *really bothers* them. 

I really think this could be a possibility. My younger and unmedicated self did something like this once and was tempted to do it another time. It wasn't logical or important, but it seemed so at the time, and my rudeness wasn't as important to me as "fixing" the situation. 

Or your friend could just be unthinking and rude. 🙂 

This is all a way of thinking I've never considered.  Very interesting!  I have a son on the spectrum and I can definitely see him thinking this way.  I tend to overthink and obsess about things and think I would do this too but wouldn't go as far as saying anything.  Thank you!

 

2 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

 

So I still have no idea how their brains work when it comes to giving or receiving things. 

So true!  My in-laws have given us so many "gifts" over the years that we just don't understand. 

As far as receiving, years ago we gave ds1's girlfriend some foot lotion from bath and body works in her stocking.  I knew she liked bath and body works products and thought it was a pampering type of gift.  Well, ds told me that she was offended because she took it as I thought something was wrong with her feet!  Ever since there, I am extremely careful with what I give her so she doesn't take things the wrong way.  I still SMH over that but feel bad at the same time that she would think that.  

Edited December 24, 2021 by Kassia

[Guest]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

Oh, I didn't notice earlier that you told them you don't really like movies.  Not sure that was the best thing to say to someone who gave you hard-to-find French movies for your birthday.  It would seem like they gave you a thoughtful gift which you didn't appreciate.  At least some people would read it that way.  I've seen other times when someone indicated they didn't like a gift, and the giver said, well then give it back, as I know others who will enjoy having it.

It was removed from the context of the gift by eight months though. So, they mentioned some James Bond movie and I said, “I haven’t seen that,” and they were all incredulous and I said, “I’ve never seen any James Bond movies; as I’ve said before, I don’t watch movies much.” 
 

It’s not like they gave me a gift bag with movies in it and I said, “Why are you giving me this? I don’t really watch movies.” 

[Guest]

@MercyA I think your theory is very possible. I used to be much more OCD myself years ago and I do know how relentless it can be to think, “This is not ideal/perfect/the best.”