Military moms and wives I have a question

[lynn]

My son half joking  told me I could be on his base to welcome him home in May (I don't know what the Navy calls it) from his 6 month deployment, haven't seen the kid in over 2 years.    Here's the thing he's married but she has been living in San Diego and he in Washington.  I want to see him at the Welcome home thing for his unit but don't want to take anything away from her....... So moms should I plan to go, I need to hug that boy😢 or let his wife be there and  DH and I step back tell him we'll be there this summer.    advice....

[Katy]

Why don’t you call her and ask?

[Tree Frog]

I think that might be a question better asked of his wife. If you do go, be prepared to stay in the background. Maybe also stay at a hotel instead of with them and plan to give them a lot of space. 

Dh deployed many times, but I don't ever remember seeing a mom to welcome the crew home. It may  be different for Navy.

[fairfarmhand]

If you ask her, preface it with "I want your real honest thoughts and if you want to think about it and call me back that's fine too. Don't feel obligated or pressured either way. Just say what you think."

Some people would say yes, only because they feel weird telling their mother in law no. But then they really do mind.

[thewellerman]

I've never heard a wife be excited any extra family was coming, and I've attended a lot of homecomings, even if they are super close and love their family dearly.  Homecomings are wonderful, but also very stressful.  I would recommend asking if you can come one week after he gets back, stay in a hotel, and have a loose plan for what you will do while you are there.  It is good to go, though.  Wives also get frustrated that their husbands have to use their limited leave to travel to see family, when the family never endures the cost and effort of travel.  

[Navymom]

Navy mom here for over 20+ years.

My DIL invited me to be there for homecoming one time. It was amazing to be there and actually see the ship coming in through the fog and returning to home port. I will always be grateful to her for including me.

I NEVER would have asked to attend and felt honored to be there. My son had been in the Navy for some time though, at that point. 

[theelfqueen]

So I'm both ... both Air Force wife and mom...

I'd ask DIL what her plans are for the return without even implying that you'd like to attend. If she invites you, go. Otherwise back off. 

[TarynB]

It sounds to me like your son wants you to be there . . . 

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, lynn said:

My son half joking  told me I could be on his base to welcome him home in May (I don't know what the Navy calls it) from his 6 month deployment, haven't seen the kid in over 2 years.    Here's the thing he's married but she has been living in San Diego and he in Washington.  I want to see him at the Welcome home thing for his unit but don't want to take anything away from her....... So moms should I plan to go, I need to hug that boy😢 or let his wife be there and  DH and I step back tell him we'll be there this summer.    advice....

I would do whatever your son wants you to do. I know people seem to be prioritizing your DIL's wishes, but honestly, I think this is your son's decision to make.

[Anne]

7 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I would do whatever your son wants you to do. I know people seem to be prioritizing your DIL's wishes, but honestly, I think this is your son's decision to make.

But realize that your son may not really be thinking through the logistics at all - he knows he wants to see you, but maybe not thinking about exactly how that would best shake out.  

[mum]

Marine mom here. I would ask DIL her/their plans, without hinting anything else. I have been around for deployment return (not on base, but at their house since I was helping while he was gone). Re-entry can be rough and I think I'd rather have been there about 2 weeks after!

[El...]

I've returned from long gritty government sponsored trips, and I didn't ever think of asking my parents to come see me. I was really exhausted. 

However, I got to attend my brother's return from a long time out, and the navy does something special. It was awesome to see it. 

If you are sure his wife is delighted to have you, I'd go, but do NOT stay at their house. Stay at a hotel, pay for some good barbecue to be delivered for a family meal, and don't overstay. Homecomings are fraught and intense, and they will need their space to reconnect. 

Here's a bit of general information. https://www.militaryonesource.mil/military-life-cycle/deployment/returning-home-from-deployment/

[mmasc]

I’d probably say coming a week or two later would be good. The logistics can be weird for sure. Do you stay in a hotel? Or at their house? Spend time with them the next day/his first day home? How long do you stay?

I am extremely close to my MIL and love her very much, but I’d think it weird for her to be there because of the logistics. Reintegration is no joke—it can be hard in the best, tightest, closest marriages. I know those first several days home are always super special for us as a married couple and as a family. 

That’s all just my opinion and experience of course! Your DIL might love for you to be there, but you’d need to feel comfortable having an open and honest discussion about it, like @fairfarmhand suggested.