How to support widowed parent?

[regentrude]

What can I do for my recently widowed mother? Long distance, I am in the US, she in Germany.
She is physically well, holding it together, able to take care of her affairs.
But she is alone. The days are long.
All advice you see online is stuff like "plan events they can look forward to" or "get them involved in social activities". Nope. The insane Covid numbers make any socializing impossible. 

I call every day. But I wish there was anything else I could do. I won't be able to visit again until the summer.

[Frances]

Can you send her supplies for her hobbies or books to read? Maybe start a small FaceTime or Zoom book club with her and some other family members and/or friends? My widowed mom enjoys knitting, crocheting, and quilting. On and off during the pandemic she has been able to go for social time and project assistance to a local knit shop. But she spends more time crafting alone. What about puzzles? I also have her on our Netflix account.

Are there other people you can encourage to call and write her? Does she do texting and/or FaceTime (or Skype) or similar? Fortunately, all of the young adult grandkids are great about staying in contact with their Grandma. My son frequently calls her when he is commuting. Even when social activities have been off limits, my mom and her friends still make baked goods and drop them off for each other. They also exchange puzzles this way. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Frances

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, Frances said:

Can you send her supplies for her hobbies or books to read? My widowed mom enjoys knitting, crocheting, and quilting. On and off during the pandemic she has been able to go for social time and project assistance to a local knit shop. But she spends more time crafting alone. What about puzzles? I also have her on our Netflix account.

Are there other people you can encourage to call and write her? Does she do texting and/or FaceTime (or Skype) or similar? Even when social activities have been off limits, my mom and her friends still make baked goods and drop them off for each other. They also exchange puzzles this way. 

She lives in a house with approximately ten thousand books. However, right now she has difficulty focusing, which I completely understand. I plan to send her a puzzle for Christmas. She knits and has plenty of supplies. She plays on the computer.

She does talk on the phone with her friends. However, her role in her circle of friends has always been that of the stable practical person, the rock to which her needy dysfunctional self-absorbed friends cling... not exactly what she needs right now.

Her sister who is much older is in a nursing home and currently hospitalized; visitors are prohibited. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by regentrude

[ScoutTN]

Real mail is nice, even when you call often. A pretty postcard, an interesting article, a recipe. 
 

What does she like to do?

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

What does she like to do?

Go to concerts and the opera; she was a professional opera singer and music prof. Museums.
All cultural venues are closed for the forseeable future. And she wouldn't go anyway, with the Covid numbers so insane

ETA: Snail mail can take anywhere from 10 days to 6 weeks, especially during the holidays. Not really satisfying.

Edited December 5, 2021 by regentrude

[jen3kids]

Are you able to do video calls with her?  If so, can you do virtual tours of museums 'together', or watch an online opera or concert with her?  

 

[regentrude]

3 minutes ago, jen3kids said:

Are you able to do video calls with her?  If so, can you do virtual tours of museums 'together', or watch an online opera or concert with her?  

we have done some video calls, but that isn't really her thing. I think she would find it very weird if I suggested doing online museum tours. She does watch opera performances on TV. But right now, she does not have the focus for anything like that. And I get that; I have been unable to focus on any serious reading or art either. Can barely find enough concentration for my job. Everything seems so completely unimportant, YKWIM?

Edited December 5, 2021 by regentrude

[jen3kids]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

we have done some video calls, but that isn't really her thing. I think she would find it very weird if I suggested doing online museum tours. She does watch opera performances on TV. But right now, she does not have the focus for anything like that.

Do you play online games?  You can play each other in games like Scrabble over the computer.

[WildflowerMom]

What about a game y'all play together?  Like on-going Words with Friends games or a game of chess back and forth.  

[WildflowerMom]

1 minute ago, jen3kids said:

Do you play online games?  You can play each other in games like Scrabble over the computer.

I just posted the same thing.   We're twinning tonight! 

[regentrude]

Just now, jen3kids said:

Do you play online games?  You can play each other in games like Scrabble over the computer.

she plays solitaire, or another game where she has to find hidden objects.
We have never played games together after I was a little kid.

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, WildflowerMom said:

What about a game y'all play together?  Like on-going Words with Friends games or a game of chess back and forth.  

games are not her thing

ETA: My father was a competetive chess player and spent hours on it each day. But not mom.

Edited December 5, 2021 by regentrude

[jen3kids]

7 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

I just posted the same thing.   We're twinning tonight! 

 

😅

[jen3kids]

7 minutes ago, regentrude said:

she plays solitaire, or another game where she has to find hidden objects.
We have never played games together after I was a little kid.

 

No time like the present to start!   I should do the same with my mil. 

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, jen3kids said:

No time like the present to start!   I should do the same with my mil. 

I'll mention it to her. The 7 hour time difference makes it a tad difficult though. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by regentrude

[jen3kids]

3 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I'll mention it to her. The 7 hour time difference makes it a tad difficult though. 

 

That definitely makes it challenging!  Is your mom computer literate enough to be able to do it?  My mil struggles with video calls, so I'm not sure we could do a game together.  She gets confused by all the 'business' on the screen.  

Edited December 5, 2021 by jen3kids

[Drama Llama]

24 minutes ago, regentrude said:

we have done some video calls, but that isn't really her thing. I think she would find it very weird if I suggested doing online museum tours. She does watch opera performances on TV. But right now, she does not have the focus for anything like that. And I get that; I have been unable to focus on any serious reading or art either. Can barely find enough concentration for my job. Everything seems so completely unimportant, YKWIM?

I know exactly what you mean. It's hard.

One thing we've done, when we've been separated and stressed out, is to watch something together.  I'd go to google meet, pull up a movie, and then watch it "with" my kids when we were separated due to their brother's hospitalization.  To be honest, I actually usually wouldn't watch the movie, I'd watch my kid's face while he watched the movie.  But it was a way to be together when I was too tired to talk or interact much.

Do you think you and she could watch an opera together?  Even if you were doing things that needed to be done (cooking, or whatever, and she was watching but you could see and comment, and stop the recording and chat a little about it?
 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I know exactly what you mean. It's hard.

One thing we've done, when we've been separated and stressed out, is to watch something together.  I'd go to google meet, pull up a movie, and then watch it "with" my kids when we were separated due to their brother's hospitalization.  To be honest, I actually usually wouldn't watch the movie, I'd watch my kid's face while he watched the movie.  But it was a way to be together when I was too tired to talk or interact much.

Do you think you and she could watch an opera together?  Even if you were doing things that needed to be done (cooking, or whatever, and she was watching but you could see and comment, and stop the recording and chat a little about it?
 

Thanks for the suggestion. I will see. I don't think she will want to watch an opera on her laptop though, because as a musician, sound quality is very important to her. 
Thanks all for the good ideas, everyone. I don't mean to shoot down suggestions; just have a hard time imagining things working. But maybe part of it is because I am also not in the right place... I can't imagine concentrating on an opera or a real book. When I was staying with mom in the week after the funeral, all we were able to do is watch brainless Hallmark movies together because we were emotionally exhausted.

[Drama Llama]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Thanks for the suggestion. I will see. I don't think she will want to watch an opera on her laptop though, because as a musician, sound quality is very important to her. 
Thanks all for the good ideas, everyone. I don't mean to shoot down suggestions; just have a hard time imagining things working. But maybe part of it is because I am also not in the right place... I can't imagine concentrating on an opera or a real book. When I was staying with mom in the week after the funeral, all we were able to do is watch brainless Hallmark movies together because we were emotionally exhausted.

The same thing would probably work better with a brainless Hallmark movie.

 

[regentrude]

3 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

The same thing would probably work better with a brainless Hallmark movie.

yeah but those she watches on German TV when it is 1pm for me 🙂

[happi duck]

My late sister was widowed.  Finding a daily radio show she loved was helpful.  It gave her something to do daily and the banter got her thinking.  She'd call me to share things she heard.

She liked talking on the phone.  Besides talking to each other I told her it was fine to fill up my machine.  She'd leave messages about happy things, sad things, news things etc.  We established that I wouldn't call back for everything.

We shared memories of her late husband, our folks, our late sister etc.

She liked being remembered.

Despite the delay, I think real mail is worth the effort.  I'd choose postcards or note cards in a design she'd like.  They don't need to be timely.  Thinking of you, a memory, a photo, a description of a hike etc.

Pomegranate has a lot of postcards (note cards too). https://www.pomegranate.com/collections/postcard-books-postcards

 

 

[Calm37]

I know you said mail takes a long time. Still...I send out cards to our two moms and an older friend every Tuesday. The cards have a bit of news and one or two recent photos of us, my kids, activities we did, etc. Because they are very regular (I only skipped once in the last year with a warning that I was going to do it) they really look forward to it. My mil raves to my husband about those cards every time he calls. So funny to me, but keeps me going.

ETA: I made a project box for this with supplies, so it's pretty quick to do. I put the box out on the kitchen table every Monday night, so it's there in the morning when I write. I get enough photos printed to last two months or so. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Calm37

[Catwoman]

19 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Thanks for the suggestion. I will see. I don't think she will want to watch an opera on her laptop though, because as a musician, sound quality is very important to her. 
Thanks all for the good ideas, everyone. I don't mean to shoot down suggestions; just have a hard time imagining things working. But maybe part of it is because I am also not in the right place... I can't imagine concentrating on an opera or a real book. When I was staying with mom in the week after the funeral, all we were able to do is watch brainless Hallmark movies together because we were emotionally exhausted.

Please don't worry that people might think you're shooting down suggestions. We all know you and your mom are going through a very difficult time, and the fact that she is so far away makes it much harder to find ways to connect and to feel like you are there for her. So many things that would work if you lived close to each other, simply aren't practical at a long distance -- and the time zone issues make things even more difficult to coordinate.

Sending lots of hugs. I wish I could do more. 😞 

[klmama]

You're a good daughter to try to help her.  So sorry for your loss.  

[ScoutTN]

Does she have a pet or a small garden to care for? Tending living things can be healing. 

[katilac]

21 minutes ago, happi duck said:

 

Despite the delay, I think real mail is worth the effort.  I'd choose postcards or note cards in a design she'd like.  They don't need to be timely.  Thinking of you, a memory, a photo, a description of a hike etc.

100% agree. You can send a couple each week, and they get there when they get there. Have some envelopes preaddressed and stamped, so all you have to do is jot a note when you think of it. 

There are some pretty elaborate e-cards if she might enjoy those; you can put a personal message as well. 

Delivery of flowers, plants, candy, or fruit. Some small but fun random items if you are able to order from her Amazon or similar. 

Do a watch party of a mindless movie on the weekend. You can voice chat and/or text chat. 

Even if she has plenty of knitting supplies, most crafters always enjoy more. Maybe you could find something unusual to send for her to experiment with. 

She might enjoy planning/daydreaming upcoming visits/vacations - talking about possibilities, sending each other ideas. 

A subscription box could be fun. 

Here's a weird one: you can pay celebrities to record a personalized video message on the Cameo app. There are opera singers, lol. 

 

 

[Pam in CT]

During the worst of lockdown, I did weekly "tea" zooms every Sunday with my mother and my daughters -- zooming in from different locations with a cuppa and scones.  On my end, I made a sort of fuss with pretty cloth napkins and proper pot with cups & saucers and flowers from my garden. 

It took a few false starts, but she eventually got comfortable playing online Scrabble and Boggle over zoom -- this was after my kids scattered back to different locations, but I'd always invite them bcc and if they showed up they were like surprise guests.  (She isn't ordinarily much of a game person but it turned out to be nice to have a focus other than ruminating about our various woes.)

My eldest got her onto Netflix-sharing, so  we did that a few times, "virtual popcorn."

And I agree about sending IRL postcards, funny comics, clippings -- even if it does take a long time to arrive, the surprise / asynchronous arrival will brighten a moment when she *isn't* expecting your call.

Other long distance successes I've done for my mom over the years is to send her flowering-plant-of-the-month, indie book subscriptions, Harry & David fruit, etc.  There surely are equivalent goodies in her part of the world?

[Drama Llama]

During the first part of the pandemic I got my mom who lives alone a subscription to flowers.  Every two weeks a new bouquet arrived.

[J-rap]

During the pandemic last Christmas, we got my father a subscription to a family newsletter.  You can have anyone contribute -- family members, friends, or just you.  (In our family, it's all of our children/plus 2 spouses and my dh and I who contribute.)  We bought my dad a one-year subscription, and it comes out monthly.  You're allowed to post about 30 articles + photos each month.  (The bigger part of each article is the photo, with a short description/article to go with it.)  They can of course be about anything ~ your backyard garden, the book you're reading, scenes from a walk, family gatherings, etc.  We each do all the postings on-line, and then my dad gets a paper snail-mail newsletter in the mail.  The newsletter is really nice quality, very professional, with nice big photos.  My dad loves it.  

Here's a website that tells about it:  https://www.famileo.com/famileo/en-US/

 

[Kassia]

Are there any virtual support groups for widows available to her?  Or is there a senior center with services available?  Our county senior center continued to have online social activities scheduled throughout the month - games, exercise classes, book clubs, etc.  Really something for everyone if they wanted to participate.  Is she active in church - maybe there's something virtual she could join for that.  Or a library?  We have all of those things with virtual offerings here but I'm sure that varies by location.  

I'm sorry for your mom.  

[Loesje22000]

4 hours ago, regentrude said:

Go to concerts and the opera; she was a professional opera singer and music prof. Museums.
All cultural venues are closed for the forseeable future. And she wouldn't go anyway, with the Covid numbers so insane

ETA: Snail mail can take anywhere from 10 days to 6 weeks, especially during the holidays. Not really satisfying.

Would it satisfy her to pick up music practise again?

Might be singing, but learning a new instrument might also be an option.

daily music practise structures the days, and music can be quite comforting in difficult days. 
 

I suggested my mother duolingo, to learn English, a language she never learned, but is more and more used in Dutch society. So she does a daily portion of Duolingo now. I got the impression it helps her to start the day. (Another language to learn might suit her situation better)

[Laura Corin]

5 hours ago, regentrude said:

She lives in a house with approximately ten thousand books. However, right now she has difficulty focusing, which I completely understand. 

Would audio books be an option? 

[popmom]

Unpopular opinion. You can only do so much. I think and prepare for these things myself. Is there some reason that you think she won’t be able to cope? I know the last thing I would want is to shift the burden of my loss to my kids. Personally, I have/will have plans in place to ensure my well being in the case of the loss of my husband. Maybe I’m the odd ball. I understand that no one can truly be prepared for such loss. I’m hoping for your mom’s sake that she will let you know what she needs from you. Have you asked her?

Give yourself some grace. It’s so hard.

Edited December 5, 2021 by popmom

[Jean in Newcastle]

My friend, who is a new widow told me that she planned to do a lot of resting at first.  She was caregiver for her ill husband before his death and it totally exhausted her (as well as the grief, of course).  Too much rest and aloneness can be bad, but some can be healing mentally as well as physically.

She has made some arrangements for hikes/ walks with friends outside.  (Not strenuous ones.  My friend is in her 70's but is still active.)  This is a fairly safe Covid activity.

This wasn't fun, but she's actually been quite busy with financial arrangements after her husband's death.

She is also doing an online fitness class for seniors.  She found that caregiving had also had a toll on her physical fitness. 

[Melissa in Australia]

So so sorry to hear about the death of your father

Hugs

[regentrude]

2 hours ago, popmom said:

Unpopular opinion. You can only do so much. I think and prepare for these things myself. Is there some reason that you think she won’t be able to cope? I know the last thing I would want is to shift the burden of my loss to my kids. Personally, I have/will have plans in place to ensure my well being in the case of the loss of my husband. Maybe I’m the odd ball. I understand that no one can truly be prepared for such loss. I’m hoping for your mom’s sake that she will let you know what she needs from you. Have you asked her?

Oh, my mother can cope just fine.  She doesn't burden me with anything. But I would still like to do nice things for her that cheer her up. Because she needs some joy in her life.
(Btw, "having plans in place to ensure well-being" is kind of hard when the majority of the things one would normally want to do are impossible due to the pandemic.)

[regentrude]

3 hours ago, Loesje22000 said:

Would it satisfy her to pick up music practise again?

Might be singing, but learning a new instrument might also be an option.

daily music practise structures the days, and music can be quite comforting in difficult days. 

Definite no. Arthritis makes it impossible for her to play the piano, and singing would be utterly frustrating because the voice deteriorates with aging, and she of all people would be acutely aware of her limitations. 
Listening, yes. 

[regentrude]

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

My friend, who is a new widow told me that she planned to do a lot of resting at first.  She was caregiver for her ill husband before his death and it totally exhausted her (as well as the grief, of course).  Too much rest and aloneness can be bad, but some can be healing mentally as well as physically.

She has made some arrangements for hikes/ walks with friends outside.  (Not strenuous ones.  My friend is in her 70's but is still active.)  This is a fairly safe Covid activity.

This wasn't fun, but she's actually been quite busy with financial arrangements after her husband's death.

She is also doing an online fitness class for seniors.  She found that caregiving had also had a toll on her physical fitness. 

Yes, she absolutely needs to rest, after the hard time of caregiving. She also needs physical therapy for her back because of all the strain from the physical nursing - but cannot because of Covid. 

But she is, like me, a person who likes to get something accomplished and finds that helps her. 

[regentrude]

7 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

Does she have a pet or a small garden to care for? Tending living things can be healing. 

She has a large overgrown yard where she tries to keep up with the most important tasks. Now it's mostly raking leaves off the stairs. But she has never really gardened. (And now it's winter anyway)
My mom never wanted a pet and is adamant that she doesn't now either. But I did give her two bird feeders for her birthday last month, and she really enjoys watching the birds.

Edited December 5, 2021 by regentrude

[regentrude]

Thank you for all the brainstorming, I really appreciate it.
I will see if more online interaction is something she would like. Snail mail and flowers, check.

It would all be very different if Covid wasn't so bad there. Over 1000 per 100k in 7 days. That means even getting non-emergency medical care is a risk one rethinks.

 

[jen3kids]

12 hours ago, J-rap said:

During the pandemic last Christmas, we got my father a subscription to a family newsletter.  You can have anyone contribute -- family members, friends, or just you.  (In our family, it's all of our children/plus 2 spouses and my dh and I who contribute.)  We bought my dad a one-year subscription, and it comes out monthly.  You're allowed to post about 30 articles + photos each month.  (The bigger part of each article is the photo, with a short description/article to go with it.)  They can of course be about anything ~ your backyard garden, the book you're reading, scenes from a walk, family gatherings, etc.  We each do all the postings on-line, and then my dad gets a paper snail-mail newsletter in the mail.  The newsletter is really nice quality, very professional, with nice big photos.  My dad loves it.  

Here's a website that tells about it:  https://www.famileo.com/famileo/en-US/

 

This looks amazing for my mil.  My kids could happily contribute a pic and a few sentences a couple times a month!   Thanks for the link!

 

[kristin0713]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and hers.  I might have missed it but did anyone suggest scrapbooking or digital scrapbooking?  

[elegantlion]

I am sorry for you loss. 

When my dad passed away after a long illness, we were just exhausted. My mom had been taking care of him, and she kind of had to sit in the grief & exhaustion for awhile. My dad died in late November, not sure I remember that winter much. My dad had loved Christmas, so we did a few things to honor him. For my mom, it was just the presence of people that understood the grief that helped. 

It felt like that winter we hibernated. She also knew that she would have to move, so by spring she started planning that. She also hadn't driven much in years, so she had to learn that to get to the grocery and such. It's been 6 years and we can discuss my dad without the heaving grief. Just this week she talked about how different her life is now, it's a good one that she has crafted as her own. 

I don't have any practical suggestions. 

[DreamerGirl]

@regentrude So sorry on the loss of your dad. I somehow missed it.

These scenarios may not be applicable to you, but this is what we did.

If I can give one advice from my experience, be on the lookout for decline. It can be rapid and at the same time subtle while not presenting like that. 

My parents before the pandemic were independent, fiercely at that. They also travelled abroad regularly, took care of their affairs and were very active in walking. I talked every single day, sometime multiple times a day. My brother lived right next door. But we had our own demons to slay, families to take care of so we did not realize how much they had been affected. Just little things they did had consequences. They did not move much, they could not go to a doctor (their doctor also was old), skipped medicines because they were unsure if they took a dose. There were memory issues, their health numbers had become worse. They were diligent about testing sugar, knew their BP numbers before COVID so we never had a reason to doubt that it would not be done. It was a shock. I always assumed that there would be a margin. That a lifetime of good habits would give them some leeway. I was so wrong.

Long story short, we had to make drastic changes including moving them with my brother, moving from our childhood home, changing doctors and a long list of other changes. It has not been easy, both for them and us. But one thing that my brother and I are is united on what needs to be done. I do not know if you have siblings or someone in addition to you so if you do, I would recommend that. Having unity in what needs to be done for caregiving has made it easier because it was a battle every step of the way. It is still a hard dance of respecting their autonomy, independence vs doing what we think is necessary. My brother and I always tend to go the other way to "protect" and sometimes that has really not gone well. So it has been a learning experience as well for us 

We had to decide who has medical authority to take decisions (not sure term for this), paperwork like DNR if it exists or at least have a conversation, legal stuff. 

Brother and I know their list of medications, allergies, times they take which we did not before. We talk to their doctors which we did not before (India does not have strict privacy laws like US). We got them a pill box and they are responsible for filling it every week, but my brother and I take turns watching them do it before us each week and in return we do not bug them to take it. So no forgetting to take. Alarms are set up for each time so that automated. They test each week in front of my brother or me. That was the compromise.

We moved to a house where they can walk and in the beginning they were not so eager. But I decided to take a walk every day at a not so convenient time for me to get them into the habit. Once they established it, I do not hover much. I order groceries for them online taking one thing off their and my brother's plate. They still wanted to cook to maintain some semblance of independence.

I try to control my anxiety and not push. We communicate each and every day by WhatsApp. Multiple times a day. We talk every single day, video call most days. We have a family group where they post. I post my menu each day and they do too. This is honestly an underhand way to check what they are eating and cooking which I feel guilty for but right now it is what it is.

I try really hard not to encroach what is left of their independence, have boundaries, tamp down my anxieties about them, get over my guilt for not watching out better. So many emotions.

So that is where we are

I don't know if any of the essay I wrote is remotely helpful or applicable. But if you want to talk please PM me. ((Hugs))

[regentrude]

@DreamerGirl

Thank you for sharing your experience. 

I  have a sister who lives in the same city as mom. She and mom did the paperwork so my sis can make health decisions etc. She's a doctor; I defer to her in all medical matters. We are on good terms and I don't expect us to have conflicts. My mother has made her wishes clear. 

I feel bad that my sister will have the burden of handling everything,  but it is what it is.

Our brother is developmentally disabled and in a group home; my sister will become his legal guardian.

My mother is a realist and pragmatist and will accept any necessary changes when the time comes. I hope that is not for several years. We will cross that bridge when it comes to it

 

Edited December 5, 2021 by regentrude

[Lanny]

Condolences for the passing of your Father. I have one suggestion: Try to get her to go out of the house early in the mornings!  She should do her shopping, any appointments she has, exercise and if possible visit with friends, early in the day.    Sunset there is very early now.

My DD is there now and it is depressing for her that it gets dark so early. She's coming home for a few weeks and I believe the fact that we have approximately 12 hours of daylight will help her.  Also the warmer temperature here in Colombia.

[regentrude]

4 hours ago, Lanny said:

Condolences for the passing of your Father. I have one suggestion: Try to get her to go out of the house early in the mornings!  She should do her shopping, any appointments she has, exercise and if possible visit with friends, early in the day.    Sunset there is very early now.

Sunrise isn't until 8am, so "early in the morning" isn't really a good option because it's dark. Besides, she is not a morning person (and glad that she finally doesn't have to get up at the crack of dawn anymore which was very hard on her while she was taking care of dad).
She does complete all her errands while it is light outside and chooses times that aren't too busy in stores etc.

[Pen]

I am sorry for your loss.

 

A traditional thing here is a memorial block quilt.  

 

Various family members or friends each make a block - can be fancy like appliqué or embroidery or knit or fairly simple like  drawings (or messages)  with fabric markers . Then someone puts the pieces together with a unified back and in between pieces. The bereaved can then cuddle up in it, or perhaps later hang it up. It becomes also memento of everyone who contributed.

And then  calling or equivalent snd staying in touch and asking if ____ would be helpful.  Sort of “I’m here for you.” Even if here is far physically, frequently expressed.

 

 

[Ausmumof3]

Hopefully the current Covid situation is a wave so that in a few weeks she might have some more options. I know some people foster cats etc for a rescue but I don’t know if her health would allow for that?  I know we had an older friend in a similar situation and she couldn’t bring herself to have a pet because she thought it was self indulgent but ended up pet sitting for an extended period for one of her kids and that brought some happiness without guilt. Yoga may be good if she needs to work on back pain etc, though would need to be done with care if there’s an existing injury. It can be a bit of a balancing act too, because in a grief stage she may not be ready to start new things. It might be a gradual process depending how she’s feeling.

Also although things are probably to fresh are their family photos, stories, memories to be arranged or documented into the future? Someone did a family book of my Dads family going back a few generations and I absolutely loved it as a kid.  It was so fun reading the old stories and snippets.

Edited December 7, 2021 by Ausmumof3

[regentrude]

14 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Hopefully the current Covid situation is a wave so that in a few weeks she might have some more options.

Thank you for that optimism... I can't quite muster this much optimism since we thought that so often since March 2020, and it never really happened except for a very brief window in June. My mother hasn't eaten dinner in a restaurant or attended an indoor cultural event for the entire pandemic, and  neither have I.

This is not Australia.

ETA: Her health is fine but she does not want pets, neither permanent nor foster.

 

Edited December 7, 2021 by regentrude