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Dramatic Kids


fairfarmhand
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JAWM or gentle advice. Please don't jump all over me. 

 

I'm just so fed up with my dramatic kid.

He's 14. Always been dramatic.

If he's a bit tired, he flops around as if he's so tired he can't hold up his head. Until it's time to go do something he enjoys. Then he's fine.

If he's doing something difficult, it's "I just feel so sick," and sitting there with a pained, baleful look on his face until the difficult task is over (the difficult task is always made more difficult by foot dragging and whining and stalling."

The drama is driving me bonkers.

I get it. We all have aches and pains and hard things. We all have days when we are not at 100 percent. I am not denying that. I'm not denying that everyone experiences life differently. But the drama drags out necessary stuff to frustrating levels. We're not going to not do math day after day because every time we get started he "feels so sick." (School is, as much as it can be in the 8th grade, as pleasant as I can make it. Sometimes things are hard and we have to push through them) He is fully capable of everything that I ask him to do. 

We're not going to never do chores because when we get started he's "so tired." 

We're not going to stop doing English because it "makes him anxious" and copying a pronoun list makes him curl up on the couch. 

This crap NEVER WORKS! WHY DOES HE DO IT! He never gets extra attention from it.

On days where he has something fun to do in the day, he manages just fine. But if there's not a carrot on a stick, it's like he has to figure out ways to make school last as long as possible. He doesn't do this around his friends. He saves it for his family. Aren't we special?

I try to ignore it, but dang, it's SO freaking frustrating.

I love this kid. He's a great kid. But this part of his personality makes me want to bash my head against the side of my brick house. 

Anyone have a cure for drama in kids? 

 

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As a former dramatic kid and now mom with history with dramatic girls, I’d start by making more videos on your phone. There’s a large aspect of lack of self-awareness and watching yourself on video can make it clear how obnoxious you’re being in a way no comments from anyone else can. 

There’s also something to be said for perspective (stories of kids his age doing hard things, stories of survival & kids with far less), and goal setting.  To some extent it’s hormonal & to some extent, IME, dad demanding the chores get done without bitching helps some too.  And depending on the kid, gentle teasing, but that works wonders on some personalities and creates life long trauma in others, so don’t do it with anyone sensitive.

You could also point-blank say you’re concerned he’s facing depression and wondering if he needs to go to a doctor. Chores are chores but he seems to be having an abnormal reaction to normal human responsibilities. 

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I don't know if this works for drama specifically, but it has worked here for other types of reluctance that fell into the "put on your big boy pants" behaviors...offering a choice that is carefully constructed to make the request you want him to choose look better. Ideally, the choice you don't want him to make is something that he'd likely decline but isn't so far out there that he'd be suspicious.

I rarely have to use this anymore, but it used to be a main staple with one of mine. My neighbor taught me this--full credit goes to her. 

 

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Wait. Why is my kid at your house?!

 


Lots of empathy coming your way. My kid is much better now than he was at 14—honestly, you were describing mine at 14 in your post—and it does get better. But we still have tough days. Today is tough. Sigh. So I’m following along for ideas.

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Yes, it is maddening. But mine grew out of it eventually...when they went to college. LOL. Seriously. My girl who was so dramatic that I, like you, though WHY??? This doesn't work!!! Eventually realized that. Now she is the most level-headed, organized, good with money/budgeting, etc. It is like a switch just switched.  My middle boy was also somewhat dramatic, but man, we bumped heads... especially at 14. He got somewhat better with my by senior year, but worse with his father. But again, college made him realize how good he had it. He wrote both of us letters at different times, thanking us for being great parents. Hang in there. It was no fun at all while we were in the midst of that time. So much sweeter now.

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My kid isn't quite that dramatic, but he has those tendencies. He has been growing out of it! It also got better when other issues were dealt with. So even though he was not actually experiencing that much pain from a stubbed toe (I mean, how could anyone experience the level of pain he claimed to be having from little things like that?!? Sigh...) he was dealing with other pain. I doubt that's the case for your kid... but I have noted that sometimes for my anxious kid, adding something that should be no big deal can be the straw that breaks the camel's back very suddenly. 

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I'd ask, "Do you need to see a counselor? I'm worried that you might have some anxiety that needs professional help if this is that much of a burden to you."  Say it with a straight face, and sincerity in your voice, because that isn't normal behavior.  My kids who have anxiety do manifest it in the ways that you describe. 

And, if in your mind, you're brushing away what I'm saying, I'd really stop and ponder why that is.  Either these are real manifestations of something, or they aren't, but even my "dramatic kids" (and I have a couple) can pull it together when I am calm, non-reactive, matter of fact, and consistent in my expectations.  They might get a raised eyebrow at some of the flopping and sighing, but the physical "stomach aches" and persistent task avoidance rings warning bells in my mind that are worth exploring. 

ETA: tone is hard to read over the 'net. Imagine we're talking about this over some coffee, I'm rolling my eyes at the stupidity of our collective kids' behavior, and I'm offering gentle advice based on my own BTDT...

Edited by prairiewindmomma
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Tbh: has he ever been eval'd for ADD?  seriously.  I have two dramatic kids - both have ADD.  (both got much worse at puberty, which ped neuro said is extremely typical.)  (other ADD kid also didn't have normal reactions - but went the other direction to no response.)

All had full work-ups by specialists, not a pediatrician/GP.

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After reading more replies, coming back to say that at 14 we started our kid like this with a therapist and then a psych. There was anxiety at play, and getting that under control made a huge impact. Huge. I agree that evals are a good idea, too. 

But even with all that, my kid just needed some maturity, I think. Also—more acting classes, theater. I don’t have anything to back this up, but it feels as though some kids just have a big presence, and finding an appropriate outlet for that can help. It helped mine, anyway.

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1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

Tbh: has he ever been eval'd for ADD?  seriously.  I have two dramatic kids - both have ADD.  (both got much worse at puberty, which ped neuro said is extremely typical.)  (other ADD kid also didn't have normal reactions - but went the other direction to no response.)

All had full work-ups by specialists, not a pediatrician/GP.

This was my thought as well. His "dramatics" sound like attempts to avoid tasks that are boring or that require sustained mental effort, which is super common among people with ADHD. To some extent, it's normal for kids to avoid things that are boring or hard, but it sounds like this is nearly constant and has been going on for a long time. When you can, I would get him in to see a psychologist who can assess for ADHD and other issues like anxiety/depression so you can be sure of what is going on with him. 

I have two dramatic kids - my 11yo (ADHD) is like your son, whereas my 13yo is the "my life will be over if you don't let me go to a movie with the boy I met on TikTok" kind of dramatic. Fun and fun. 

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I think 14 in boys is 12 in girl years and hormones, growth spurts, and drama don’t make for the most focused kid. It’s almost like revisiting toddlerhood. I think both of my kids needed a refresher on good organization skills at this phase. I also had to be realistic about what they actually could do independently and what I just imagined they “should be able to do by now.” We had to prioritize rest and rework schedules. I had to switch routines that worked best for ME and replace them with schedules that worked with my kids’ energy and motivation levels.  
 

With my kids, it took some recalibration to adjust to a new phase of life. They did come out of the tunnel. I’m not suggesting ignoring behaviors that could benefit from professional help. 

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We have sometimes been able to extinguish unwanted behaviors via a fee, because my child's currency is...currency. E.g., asking once when dinner will be ready is free, but each additional time the same night (a nuisance to whoever's cooking) costs $10. We had to enforce exactly once but have left the notice up in the kitchen. So if you feel that this is truly just a bad habit, I'd try giving some notice so he can work on it, but consider instituting a Drama Fee, and see what happens.

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Just want to note that there are two different diagnosis directions on this thread - ADHD or anxiety/depression. Those are not mutually exclusive conditions. Far from it! People with ADHD are disproportionately prone to mental health issues. One does not preclude the other.

Edited by Tanaqui
last sentence missing a.
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Adult siblings can affectionately tease the dramatic teenager, assuming their personality is such that everyone involved can both take it and dish it out. I've also been known to do my Mrs. Bennet impression from Pride and Prejudice (a family favorite) where I do a swooning, "You don't know how I suffer!" Sometimes I say, "Could you please be more dramatic?  I was kind of bored with that performance." or, a matter-of-fact "Wait... roll your eyes again.... I want to see something." And then she won't toll her eyes again just to make a point but she REALLY wants to roll her eyes again.  Ha! checkmate, dramatic kid!

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