WWYD “joke” edition

[saraha]

Ok, so a little backstory. My mom and sister have an ongoing feud about the food served for thanksgiving. Sis wants traditional food so my mom is serving tacos. Disagreement ensues, mom says we’ll that’s what Saraha’s kids want sooooo. Except that is not exactly how it went.  My mom is an undiagnosed narcissist.

The dilemma: my mom went to Walmart and saw a kids sized shirt that said “let’s taco bout it, nacho problem” or something like that-point is is it’s taco themed. She bought it and came up with this plan for youngest ds to come in and quickly change into this shirt and then run out and say haha auntie we’re having tacos. Ds is 11.

I have my reservations about this joke as at some point it went from that’s what my kids wanted to eat to that’s what my youngest ds wanted to eat. Still not true. Also, we are not a joking family, and if it backfired sis might be mad at youngest. Also, youngest is not even sure he wants to do it, but he suspects grandma might be mad if he doesn’t, which she will.

I texted sis yesterday and gave her a run down, no response. Texted today to see if she got it, no response. Not sure why no response. We are not close and don’t usually talk on the phone.

Also, if the situation were reversed and my sister played this “joke” on my mom she would be beyond pissed because she would take it as someone running it in her face and consider it gloating over her lack of power in the decision making process  
Anyway, I don’t know what to do now.

Edited November 22, 2021 by saraha

[Katy]

I don’t think I’d assume any kid’s shirt was a commentary on dinner plans.

Besides, while I’m all for untraditional Thanksgiving foods, everyone knows tacos are for Christmas Eve.   🤣

[MooCow]

Don't do it. It might backfire on your youngest.

[Melissa Louise]

Yeah, don't play the joke. 

Jokes and taking the mickey work in families that are generally close and comfy with each other. 

I'd be especially uncomfortable putting the child in the role of jokester. 

Just say no..

[fairfarmhand]

"Sis, mom is trying to drag me and mine into this disagreement. We're not going there,"

"Mom. This joke isn't funny anymore. Ds will not help you pester sis about this."

"Ds, granny may think its funny but auntie doesnt think so. We don't make jokes by making others unhappy and we're not going to help granny do that either. We're staying out of it. Granny's reaction to it is not your problem. If she gets mad, she can be mad at me because I won't let you do this."

[saraha]

5 minutes ago, Katy said:

I don’t think I’d assume any kid’s shirt was a commentary on dinner plans.

Besides, while I’m all for untraditional Thanksgiving foods, everyone knows tacos are for Christmas Eve.   🤣

Except she literally said she wants him to run out to auntie and taunt her while pointing at the shirt.

[saraha]

I don’t want to play the joke but can’t figure out how to get out of this situation with no one being mad. I texted sis hoping she would say “ah, got it. I won’t be mad at him and he can play the joke so mom won’t be mad either” but she hasn’t responded to my texts for an unknown reason. Should I try texting her again? I texted yesterday and this morning.

Edited November 22, 2021 by saraha

[Starr]

This is a Nancy moment, not Nike. Just say “No.”

[Tanaqui]

You know why this is a bad idea. Tell your mother no, and make sure your kids know too.

[saraha]

So no way of getting out of it without making someone mad huh? Darn

[Tanaqui]

Just saw your new comment.

You can't control whether or not your mother is mad at you - and since she's the one in the wrong here, she's the one you shouldn't be worried about pissing off.

So you're gonna have to move to phase two - accept that somebody will be mad at you, accept that it's going to be Mom, and then act as though you don't care. You do care, of course, but doing nothing is not going to improve the situation.

[theelfqueen]

11 minutes ago, Katy said:

I don’t think I’d assume any kid’s shirt was a commentary on dinner plans.

Besides, while I’m all for untraditional Thanksgiving foods, everyone knows tacos are for Christmas Eve.   🤣

Where the heck do you live? Tacos are for Easter. Lasagna is for Christmas Eve.

[Melissa Louise]

5 minutes ago, saraha said:

I don’t want to play the joke but can’t figure out how to get out of this situation with no one being mad. I texted sis hoping she would say “ah, got it. I won’t be mad at him and he can play the joke so mom won’t be mad either” but she hasn’t responded to my texts for an unknown reason. Should I try texting her again? I texted yesterday and this morning.

There's your problem ( don't worry, I share it). 

If mom will get mad when you won't let your kid play the joke, the problem isn't the joke. It's fear of your mom. 

[mmasc]

I’m sorry for the sticky situation, but there’s no way I’d let my kid be in your mom’s joke. It seems intended for meanness, and not fun, so I’d be a hard pass on that. Like other posters have said, if your mom gets mad then that’s on her.

[Garga]

Don’t let your son get caught up in a mean-spirited “joke”, because it’s not a joke. Practical jokes are only jokes if the recipient will laugh, and there’s no way your sister is going to laugh at this. It’s just not funny.

Let Mom be mad. You need to set this boundary.

[Spryte]

Ouch! Yeh, no.

 

[Catwoman]

11 minutes ago, saraha said:

I don’t want to play the joke but can’t figure out how to get out of this situation with no one being mad. I texted sis hoping she would say “ah, got it. I won’t be mad at him and he can play the joke so mom won’t be mad either” but she hasn’t responded to my texts for an unknown reason. Should I try texting her again? I texted yesterday and this morning.

Forget texting and give her a call. 🙂 

[Garga]

If I was Sis, I’d probably be so hurt/angry at what Mom was trying to set up with Nephew, that I wouldn’t even know how to respond to your text. 

I mean, not only does she have to eat tacos on Thanksgiving, but now she’s going to have to say if it’s ok for Nephew to taunt her about it? 

I personally think it’s crummy when someone wants a traditional Thanksgiving dinner and the family won’t oblige (unless, of course, Sis wasn’t going to help at all…). But if Sis was willing to help, I think it’s normal to want a traditional Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving day.  People eat tacos all the time, but they only eat Thanksgiving dinner once a year.

[Garga]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

Forget texting and give her a call. 🙂 

And if you do, start off by apologizing and saying, “I don’t even know why I let myself think it would be a good idea. I’m sorry for even texting you about it. Of COURSE I’m not going to go along with the “joke”.”

[Alte Veste Academy]

So wait. You said your kids wanting tacos was not how it actually went. So do you and/or your kids want tacos for Thanksgiving? What about sister and her kids (if she has any)? Sounds like your mom calls the shots and everyone is supposed to take it and be subjected to ridicule for being on the losing side of her decisions. Yuck.

I would call sister on the phone and tell her what’s going on and I would definitely not let your son take any part in in mockery. Plus I would make a plan with sister to incorporate what she and her family want to eat into the Thanksgiving dinner plans.

Edited November 22, 2021 by Alte Veste Academy

[Shoeless]

16 minutes ago, saraha said:

I don’t want to play the joke but can’t figure out how to get out of this situation with no one being mad. I texted sis hoping she would say “ah, got it. I won’t be mad at him and he can play the joke so mom won’t be mad either” but she hasn’t responded to my texts for an unknown reason. Should I try texting her again? I texted yesterday and this morning.

You can't get out of it without someone being mad. That's the underlying point when narcs play these games. 

Either they get what they want, or they get the secondary prize of groaning and screaming about how they've been done wrong. They like both options, so they end up winning no matter what. 

For what it's worth, I wouldn't participate in this t shirt joke and I wouldn't let my kid do it, either. Mom can be mad. She likes being mad, so let her be mad. 

 

[Alte Veste Academy]

If you and your sister are not close, maybe she doesn’t feel like she knows for sure that you don’t want to be part of it? 

[saraha]

4 minutes ago, Alte Veste Academy said:

So wait. You said your kids wanting tacos was not how it actually went. So do you and/or your kids want tacos for Thanksgiving? What about sister and her kids (if she has any)? Sounds like your mom calls the shots and everyone is supposed to take it and be subjected to ridicule for being on the losing side of her decisions. Yuck.

We don’t care what we eat, most of my kids don’t like turkey. My sister is divorced, no kids and doing thanksgiving foods for her seems like it would be a curtesy, but this feud has gone on for years now and somehow my family is the pawn

[saraha]

3 minutes ago, Alte Veste Academy said:

If you and your sister are not close, maybe she doesn’t feel like she knows for sure that you don’t want to be part of it? 

Good point. I hope she could tell from my text, but you never know. I might try calling her this evening. Just one year without drama would be sooooo nice 

Edited November 22, 2021 by saraha

[saraha]

11 minutes ago, Alte Veste Academy said:

would tell sister flat out what mom was going to do and not let your son take any part in in mockery. Plus I would make a plan with sister to incorporate what she and her family want to eat into the Thanksgiving dinner plans.

I did that two years ago and it made the day horrible. My sister, who has her own  narc tendencies, is driving 5 hours the night before and staying at my moms and will drive home on Friday. She would absolutely help with dinner

its a weird power struggle between them, they will fight each other for attention all day and try to one up each other etc. it’s ridiculous 

Edited November 22, 2021 by saraha

[saraha]

Ok, so any suggestions on what to say to my mom? I am dreading the call, I’m going to get massacred 

[WildflowerMom]

Who's cooking the dinner and who's house is it held at?

[catz]

Who is hosting?  I think the host gets to decide the food.  Guests can come or not come.  We're having untraditional thanksgiving so having tacos (or whatever) doesn't seem that weird to me.

That said if this is some weird joke you don't want to be a part of, I would just tell your mom "Hey, I'm not sure Sister is going to take this well.  You can serve what you want but I'm not comfortable being part of this joke.  But we're looking forward to the day."  If your mom is mad, that's her problem.  I'd give you sister a courtesy heads up  on what to expect if you think that would be helpful.  

[Corraleno]

Just now, saraha said:

Ok, so any suggestions on what to say to my mom? I am dreading the call, I’m going to get massacred 

How about "my family has decided to avoid the drama and stay home this year."

Why are you having Thanksgiving with her at all if you're afraid she's going to be nasty because you won't go along with a mean, unfunny "joke"? 

[Pam in CT]

4 minutes ago, saraha said:

Ok, so any suggestions on what to say to my mom? I am dreading the call, I’m going to get massacred 

"Kids aren't pawns.  Mean jokes are mean. I'll bring my yummy green beans. Look forward to seeing y'all, gotta go, I got a lot going on."

[WildflowerMom]

Could you just say, 'whoops I ruined the joke and accidentally spilled the beans to sister! Oh well!'

[saraha]

2 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

How about "my family has decided to avoid the drama and stay home this year."

Why are you having Thanksgiving with her at all if you're afraid she's going to be nasty because you won't go along with a mean, unfunny "joke"? 

My mom and sister are the only family I have. We only get together on major holidays and one day during the summer.
My mom is hosting and making every bit of the food so she is absolutely on the right to choose the menu, however she does this because the first time she went untraditional 10 years ago my sis complained and it’s be “on” ever since

[Shoeless]

Yeah, I would not go to this event if this is par for the course.

Tell her everyone has stomach flu and can't come. 

 

[fairfarmhand]

37 minutes ago, saraha said:

So no way of getting out of it without making someone mad huh? Darn

Probably not. But anyone with sense wouldn't drag a little kid or other people into their "pranks"

[Garga]

I’d come down with Covid on Wednesday if I was you. The entire family. Covid. Can’t come. So sorry!

[Melissa Louise]

12 minutes ago, saraha said:

Ok, so any suggestions on what to say to my mom? I am dreading the call, I’m going to get massacred 

This comes from someone with zero ability to be upfront with mom, so take the other suggestions well before mine...but if you can't say it, can you 'forget' the t-shirt? 

This is bad advice, btw, but better than going ahead with the joke. 

[saraha]

So I chickened out on calling my sister and texted her never mind, I’m going to be a big girl and tell mom we’re not doing it. It’s not funny it’s mean. 

When dinner is over I’m calling my mom.  
 

Two drama queens in the same house even for one day is exhausting.

[saraha]

2 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

This comes from someone with zero ability to be upfront with mom, so take the other suggestions well before mine...but if you can't say it, can you 'forget' the t-shirt? 

This is bad advice, btw, but better than going ahead with the joke. 

Haha I wish, she lives an hour away and has the tshirt at her house 

[Matryoshka]

55 minutes ago, saraha said:

I don’t want to play the joke but can’t figure out how to get out of this situation with no one being mad. I texted sis hoping she would say “ah, got it. I won’t be mad at him and he can play the joke so mom won’t be mad either” but she hasn’t responded to my texts for an unknown reason. Should I try texting her again? I texted yesterday and this morning.

Your mother is being a flying a$$hat.  No way no how would I let her get away with that and implicate me or my kid in the process.  Sure, she'll be mad.  If you can't get out of this without someone being mad, the a$$hat gets the booby prize.  She has no cause to be mad that other people won't be roped in to being mean along with her.  Not your problem, and don't let her drag you into this or make it your problem.  

Edited November 22, 2021 by Matryoshka

[saraha]

I feel bad that I told my sister now. It was cowardly. I should have been more firm when she suggested the idea. I’m a crummy sister.

[theelfqueen]

36 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

You can't get out of it without someone being mad. That's the underlying point when narcs play these games. 

 

But you CAN get out of it without being cruel or mean spirited. So go for that! 

[Indigo Blue]

I think given all the backstory and the way you sense that your mom would be mad if the joke were reversed, I wouldn’t do it. This could be funny in some families, if pulled off in the right context in a family where that tension didn’t exist. I don’t mean to sound critical; I can just relate, and this has all my spidey senses going off. 

Some people can make the smallest, seemingly insidious things passive aggressive. 

[Tanaqui]

Your mom and sister aren't the only family you have. You have your kids, at the very least.

Do you really want to continue to subject them to your mom and sister's petty fighting?

[Rosie_0801]

22 minutes ago, saraha said:

My mom and sister are the only family I have. We only get together on major holidays and one day during the summer.
My mom is hosting and making every bit of the food so she is absolutely on the right to choose the menu, however she does this because the first time she went untraditional 10 years ago my sis complained and it’s be “on” ever since

As someone who is going to spend Christmas sitting about by herself...

There are worse things than having holidays by yourself, and that's trying to play nice with the crazy narcs. Narcs don't like you. They like having pawns. So, bugger that for a joke. Stay home and keep the phone off the hook until after Easter.

[Rosie_0801]

6 minutes ago, saraha said:

I feel bad that I told my sister now. It was cowardly. I should have been more firm when she suggested the idea. I’m a crummy sister.

It didn't matter what you did, you were going to end up in the wrong. That's the point of the game.

[Emba]

1 hour ago, theelfqueen said:

Where the heck do you live? Tacos are for Easter. Lasagna is for Christmas Eve.

I am just shaking my head here. tamales are for Thanksgiving, and chili is for Christmas Eve. That, or oyster soup.

OP, I think you’re just going to have to make people mad. If your mother is toxic like this often, you probably just need to get used to doing things that you know will upset you if you know they are the right things to do. I’m sorry. It isn’t fun, but the alternative is worse.

[mathnerd]

31 minutes ago, saraha said:

Ok, so any suggestions on what to say to my mom? I am dreading the call, I’m going to get massacred 

Don't allow the narcissist to attack another family member by using your poor 11 year old as a weapon. It was not his idea to have tacos, he did not want it, you did not want it either and now she is passing off a lie that your son originated this idea in order to one-up another daughter. This is classic Triangulation which narcs do all the time and you and your son are being used as Flying Monkeys. Just say calmly to her that if she wanted to serve tacos, she should do it without using your child as an excuse. Ask her to wear that T Shirt herself if she enjoys the joke. Allowing this to happen is also exposing your son to narcs pushing boundaries, manipulating their families, triangulating etc.

[saraha]

Ok, so I just discovered I can pull this back a little! 🎉 Because I am obsessed with this right now I was going over my texts to sis and realized why she wasn’t answering, I was sending them to an old number in my contact list! So she doesn’t know anything about it! So now I’m just going to pull my big girl panties up and call my mom. I still feel like a jerk though because I was so hoping that my sister would go along to make it easier on me and didn’t really take into account her feelings. At least she doesn’t know what a coward and selfish person I was being. 

[theelfqueen]

Just now, saraha said:

Ok, so I just discovered I can pull this back a little! 🎉 Because I am obsessed with this right now I was going over my texts to sis and realized why she wasn’t answering, I was sending them to an old number in my contact list! So she doesn’t know anything about it! So now I’m just going to pull my big girl panties up and call my mom. I still feel like a jerk though because I was so hoping that my sister would go along to make it easier on me and didn’t really take into account her feelings. At least she doesn’t know what a coward and selfish person I was being. 

Family drama is Shit. 

And selfish parents make us feel like children who don't want to get into trouble. 

It's awful and I'm sorry it is making your holiday hard. 

I'm super proud of you for standing up for your sister. 

[saraha]

19 minutes ago, theelfqueen said:

And selfish parents make us feel like children who don't want to get into trouble. 

Yup, this exactly