Estranged family members

[Spryte]

Please don’t quote this one 

 

Thanks, all!

 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Spryte

[Katy]

I would assume they want a Christmas card only, cordial but distant relationship. I would not assume guilt has anything to do with it.

[prairiewindmomma]

I would assume that this was a polite thing they could do while holding you at complete arm’s length. Phonecalls, emails and other direct contact are closer in intimacy. I wouldn’t read deeply into it at all—I don’t think they are trying to assuage guilt or poke the bear or do anything like that at all. This is just what they can manage, and so this is what they do—politeness, maybe a bit of box checking, at complete arm’s length.

Edited November 19, 2021 by prairiewindmomma

[MooCow]

I would think they were just doing the bare minimum to ease their own conscience or perhaps to make somebody in their life be quiet because they were nagging them about this situation.

[Spryte]

Ok, good. Thanks. I can go with this. I would prefer not to take it personally.

 

 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Spryte

[Moonhawk]

We've been on both ends: DH's brother cut off contact for about 6 years, we would get generic Christmas cards (no birthday cards).

It felt very impersonal and almost like an automated message when we received the brother's annual card. But we took it as a sign that they wanted to leave the door open to possible future communication, so it was kind of like a little ray of hope in the mailbox, lol.

Now, DH has cut off contact from the rest of the family, and will send birthday and Christmas cards, but will not respond to texts, phone calls, any type of communication.

DH has made the decision for both birthday and Christmas cards because he wants to acknowledge the person and show he cares for them, but he cannot manage any greater contact with them. It is a way of him holding the door open and to show he hasn't forgotten about them, and that he wishes them well.

The birthday card in particular is going "above and beyond" the cultural norms so is a more personal show of feeling. For him, it's trying to take their feelings into account and show what care he can in a way he is able, not about his guilt or anything. (For the one person he just cannot imagine ever talking to again, he no longer sends a birthday card, but will do a Christmas card.)

eta: I thought of how to phrase it: it's how he shows them they are on his mind for their birthday, and that he thinks of them.

Edited November 19, 2021 by Moonhawk

[Rosie_0801]

Nearly a decade? I wouldn't care enough to bother assuming anything. This isn't the way we treat people we love, so I would conclude I am of no importance and respond appropriately- by tossing their cards into the bin, unopened, like any other junk mail.

[Spryte]

6 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Nearly a decade? I wouldn't care enough to bother assuming anything. This isn't the way we treat people we love, so I would conclude I am of no importance and respond appropriately- by tossing their cards into the bin, unopened, like any other junk mail.

Thank you. 

[happi duck]

I would assume it was all they could manage.

My grandmother disowned my mom and the rest of us.  I think if she would've sent a card we would have been thrilled.  Something would've been better than nothing, kwim?

However, if it hurts I agree with Rosie to just chuck it.

Many (hugs)

[Carol in Cal.]

It sounds like this person has set a boundary for unclear reasons that may or may not be reasonable to anyone else.

I probably wouldn't bother sending anything back.

[Lawyer&Mom]

I would worry less about what it “means” and more about how it makes you feel.  Because the only thing you can truly know and influence is how you feel.  And you are allowed to frame it in a way that makes you feel good.  “I’m glad my parent remembers me.  I wanted more of a relationship, but I’m glad my parent remembers me.”  Or maybe you look forward to tossing it in the fireplace and watching it burn.  What would be best for *you*? 

[PeterPan]

I was going through some of my dad's things from his move and found a huge pile of cards my brother had sent and some I had sent. Mine were more like the generic card + sig you're tempted to be offended by and my brother's had these lovely, sincere paragraph notes. I guess I don't gush in cards, which is totally odd considering how much I write here.

I have a number of quirky relatives and I find it works best to accept them exactly where they are. I did think, seeing the comparison, that my cards were pretty lame. On the other hand, I have an erudite friend with a phd who does something pretty similar and I know we have a fine friendship. I think don't read too much into it. They were thinking of you and sent you a card. Were you glad they were thinking of you?

[SKL]

They don't want a deep relationship, which does not mean they hate you.

I have people I don't respond to, because their reaching out is just way more than I can take.  I only have so much capacity for close personal relationships.  Think of me what you will.  I have a big family and I'm practically never alone and I rather like being alone.  I just can't do more.

[Spryte]

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

I was going through some of my dad's things from his move and found a huge pile of cards my brother had sent and some I had sent. Mine were more like the generic card + sig you're tempted to be offended by and my brother's had these lovely, sincere paragraph notes. I guess I don't gush in cards, which is totally odd considering how much I write here.

I have a number of quirky relatives and I find it works best to accept them exactly where they are. I did think, seeing the comparison, that my cards were pretty lame. On the other hand, I have an erudite friend with a phd who does something pretty similar and I know we have a fine friendship. I think don't read too much into it. They were thinking of you and sent you a card. Were you glad they were thinking of you?

I don’t feel offended by card + sig in general, and I think it’s sweet that your dad saved all those cards! I’m sure he was just happy you thought of him. Not lame at all! And you seem to have a good relationship with him, so there was conversation and communication besides the cards, right? The card is a nice thought, but not the sum total of your relationship. It’s like an exclamation point on the rest of the ways you showed your care for him.

~deleted personal bits~

 

 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Spryte

[PeterPan]

4 minutes ago, Spryte said:

reminder of

Fwiw, my dad did some things for which I later, as an adult, had trauma therapy. So I hear you on family trees, long consequences. And yes we talk now, etc. but I'm not really super gushy with him with overflowing sentiment that *isn't true* kwim? 

There's a system called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (like CBT only DBT) that emphasizes this idea of nonjudgment. I've only read on it briefly, but I think that's where I'm going with this. I know another person in our family struggled because they wanted my dad to be so much more, wanted x relationship or it wasn't good enough. And there's peace in accepting someone exactly where they are, as they are, without judgment. Doesn't mean don't have boundaries or make yourself uncomfortable. Doesn't even mean you can't throw the card away! Throw it away if you've seen it and are done with it. It was advisory, reflects a certain level of relationship, and that's it. It's the judging, the thinking about what it "means" that is making you unhappy, and that doesn't really need space in your life.

You're happy, complete, and content in your life otherwise, right? So anything that person does is bonus and them not thinking of you doesn't cause you to go without as you're already whole, complete, satisfied, joyful, and done, right? For me, that's how I got there.

[Harriet Vane]

No. You are NOT the monster. HE IS, and he's really stupid as well. Because he has chosen to alienate a daughter who has done her very best to go beyond all reasonable expectations to attempt a relationship. And I have every confidence you have agonized over the ethics and have given more than he deserves. He has nobody to blame but himself for missing out. 

[Spryte]

@PeterPan Yep, that’s where I’m headed. It is what it is, and my life is good. 

[PeterPan]

Just now, Spryte said:

and my life is good.

That's a BIG THING when you finally conclude this, get this, and are sure of it. 

[Spryte]

10 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

That's a BIG THING when you finally conclude this, get this, and are sure of it. 

It’s been a lot of hard work, and there are two times a year that I wobble. Thus the attempt to reframe. My previous view wasn’t making *my* life any better.

 

 

 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Spryte

[gardenmom5]

suggestion - stop taking it personally.

Maybe they're a box checker, maybe they think this is 'reaching out', maybe this is how they live with low/no contact.

 

I was fine with only sending my brother christmas/birthday greetings. (My therapist asked me why I was doing that much.)  It was my way of "keeping my hand out", and the door open. Hoping one day things would 'be better'.  now - I've had to block him and I will no longer be sending anything. 

[Indigo Blue]

Hey, Spryte, you are not a monster. I have an estranged sort of relationship with my father as well. It makes me sad, but it’s for the best. I’m glad you are getting to where you are in a good place.